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Synopsis
Mike Ashley is back with an all-new edition of one of the bestselling Mammoth Books ever, from the funniest writers in the field, including Neil Gaiman, Tom Holt, and Terry Jones. The thirty- five off-the-wall comic fantasies featured in Ashley's new collection are a mix of specially written stories and hard-to-find gems: a computer salesman in fairyland, a vampire football match, a psychotic Father Christmas, and a wizard allergic to magic. Ashley expertly turns fantasy and horror fiction on its head and magic into mayhem. This is huge fun for all comic fantasy fans.
Release date: August 15, 2013
Publisher: Little, Brown Book Group
Print pages: 160
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The Mammoth Book of New Comic Fantasy
Mike Ashley
All of the stories are copyright in the name of the individual authors or their estates as follows. Every effort has been made to trace holders of copyright. In the event of any inadvertent transgression of copyright please contact the editor via the publisher.
“A Rude Awakening” © 2005 by Gail-Nina Anderson. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Yo Ho Hoka!” © 1955 by Fantasy House, Inc. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, March 1955. Reprinted by permission of The Chris Lotts Agency, New York, and David W. Wixon on behalf of the respective authors’ estates.
“The Sea Serpent Syndicate” by Everard Jack Appleton. First published in The Royal Magazine, April 1905. Copyright expired.
“The Strange Affair of Mr Corpusty” © 1932 by George A.A. Willis. Reprinted from The Prince Who Hiccupped and Other Tales (Benn, 1932) by permission of the author’s estate.
“The Blue Magnolia” © 2000 by Tony Ballantyne. First published in The Third Alternative #22 (January 2000). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Great Wish Syndicate” by John Kendrick Bangs, first published in Jack and the Check Book (New York: Harper, 1911). Copyright expired.
“The Power and the Gory” © 2005 by James Bibby. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Kaluza-Klein Caper” © 2005 by Damien Broderick. Originally published in a different form as part of the novel Striped Holes (New York: Avon Books, 1988). Printed by permission of the author.
“Bad Timing” © 1991 by Molly Brown. First published in Interzone, December 1991. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Fractal Paisleys” © 1992 by Paul Di Filippo. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, May 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Sweet, Savage Sorcerer” © 1989 by Esther Friesner. First published in Amazing Stories, January 1990. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Forbidden Brides of the Faceless Slaves in the Nameless House of the Night of Dread Desire” © 2004 by Neil Gaiman. First published in Gothic! edited by Deborah Noyes (Cambridge, MS: Candlewick Press, 2004). Reprinted by permission of the author and Candlewick Press.
“A Drama of Dragons” © 1980 by Craig Shaw Gardner. First published in Dragons of Light edited by Orson Scott Card (New York: Ace Books, 1980). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Almost Heaven” © 2004 by Tom Gerencer. First published as “Almost (But Not Quite) Heaven” in Realms of Fantasy, October 2004. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“I Married a Robot” © 1999 by Ron Goulart. First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, November 1999. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Wrong Planet” © 2005 by Tom Holt. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Deaths of Robin Hood” © 2002 by Rhys Hughes. A slightly different version was published as “Robin Hood’s New Mother” in Stories from a Lost Anthology (Leyburn: Tartarus Press, 2002). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Sooner or Later or Never Never” © 1972 by Gary Jennings. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, May 1972. Reprinted by permission of McIntosh and Otis, Inc., on behalf of the author’s estate.
“Christmas Games” © 1993 by David Langford. First published in Christmas Forever edited by David Hartwell (New York: Tor Books, 1993). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Return of the Warrior” © 2005 by Laird Long. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Sing a Song of Sixpence” © 1999 by Robert Loy. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, June 1999. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Mirrors of Moggropple” © 1982 and 1989 by John Morressy. First published as two separate stories in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, “The Crystal of Caracodissa” (September 1982) and “Mirror, Mirror, Off the Wall” (August 1988). Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Colquitt’s High-Energy Trousers” © 2003 by Steven Pirie. First published in Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #7 (June/July 2003). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Mrs Wilson and the Black Arts of Mrs Beelzebub from Number Six” © 2005 by Steven Pirie. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Fowl Play” © 2005 by Steve Redwood. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Day We Played Mars” © 1949 by Maurice Richardson. First published by Lilliput, March 1949. Reprinted by permission of David Higham Associates as agent for the author’s estate.
“Pest Control” © 2005 by Adam Roberts. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Spoiled Rotten” © 1993 by Grey Rollins. First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, April 1993. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Shoes” © 2001 by Robert Sheckley. First published in Fantasy & Science Fiction, February 2002. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Stephen Skarridge’s Christmas” by Frank R. Stockton. First published in Scribner’s Monthly, January 1872. Copyright expired.
“Stakes and Adders” © 2005 by Marilyn Todd. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Birth of A.I.” © 1998 by Cynthia Ward. First published as “The Birth of Artificial Intelligence” in XOddity #3 (May 1998). Reprinted by permission of the author.
It was a dark and stormy night. Deep in the forest, just within earshot of the Walderslade bypass, a young, virile but careworn man sat hunched over a pile of manuscripts.
“Now, what have we here?” he muttered to himself as the winds battered against his window and the trees formed eerie tracery against the scudding clouds. He began to leaf through the stories in front of him, recalling their pleasures.
“Ah, yes, the intelligent alien banana turned detective, the teddy-bear pirates, the computerized shoes, the high-energy trousers that threaten the universe, the Neighbourhood Watch and the forces of Beelzebub, the missionary who underestimates an aboriginal ritual, the talking moose head . . .”
Hang on, hang on. What’s all this?
“Ssshh – don’t interrupt.”
What are you doing?
“Go away. You’ll spoil everything.”
You’re not doing another of your Introductions, are you?
“Of course not. This is the story of a forgotten genius and his great works.”
Forgotten genius! What’s this: “young . . . virile!”
“Be quiet. You’ll ruin it.”
Look, we had all this out last time. No one reads Introductions. I bet they’re already halfway through the book. They can find out what everything’s about themselves.
“No, no, I must reveal what wonders lie before them. All the hard work that went into the book. That there are eight brand new stories and some very rare reprints. And about the politically incorrect bits . . .”
Ah, that sounds good. I must look out for those.
“. . . and the significance of the title.”
Why, what have you called it this time? The Enormous Book of Strenuously Comic Fantasy? The Huge Book of Rib-tickling Fantastica?
“No I haven’t. It’s now become a standard title.”
A what?
“Look, never mind. Go away and let me explain everything properly.”
You don’t need to explain everything. It spoils the magic.
“That’s true, I don’t want to spoil the magic. But there’s still so much I want to say.”
Why not save it for those story blurbs you write?
“No, no, I’m not doing story notes here, because I want the stories to flow together. I’ve arranged them so that they’re kind-of connected.”
Really?
“Well, sort of.”
That’s good. So there’s even less of your ramblings.
“No. I’ve done a note on contributors at the back of the book.”
Good, say what you want there. Now can we get on with it?
“Well, yes, I suppose so.”
At last. Take it away, Neil. Get this show on the road.
Mike AshleyFebruary 2005
Somewhere in the night, someone was writing.
Her feet scrunched the gravel as she ran, wildly, up the tree-lined drive, Her heart was pounding in her chest, her lungs felt as if they were bursting, heaving breath after breath of the cold night air. Her eyes fixed on the house ahead, the single light in the topmost room drawing her toward it like a moth to a candle flame. Above her, and away in the deep forest behind the house, night-things whooped and skrarked. From the road behind her, she heard something scream, briefly – a small animal, that had been the victim of some beast of prey, she hoped, but could not be certain.
She ran as if the legions of hell were close on her heels, and spared not even a glance behind her until she reached the porch of the old mansion. In the moon’s pale light the white pillars seemed skeletal, like the bones of great beast. She clung to the wooden doorframe, gulping air, staring back down the long driveway, as if she were waiting for something, and then she rapped on the door – timorously at first, and then harder. The rapping echoed through the house. She imagined, from the echo that came back to her that, far away, someone was knocking on another door. muffled and dead.
“Please!” she called. “If there’s someone here – anyone – please let me in. I beseech you. I implore you.” Her voice sounded strange to her ears.
The flickering light in the topmost room faded and vanished, to reappear in successive descending windows. One person, then, with a candle. The light vanished into the depths of the house. She tried to catch her breath. It seemed like an age passed before she heard footsteps on the other side of the door, and spied a chink of candle-light through a crack in the ill-fitting doorframe.
“Hello?” she said.
The voice, when it spoke, was dry as old bone – a desiccated voice, redolent of crackling parchment and musty grave-hangings. “Who calls?” it said, “Who knocks? Who calls, on this night of all nights?”
The voice gave her no comfort. She looked out at the night that enveloped the house, then pulled herself straight, tossed her raven locks, and said, in a voice that, she hoped, betrayed no fear, “’Tis I, Amelia Earnshawe, recently orphaned and now on my way to take up a position as a governess to the two small children – a boy, and a girl – of Lord Falconmere, whose cruel glances I found, during our interview in his London residence, both repellent and fascinating, but whose aquiline face haunts my dreams.”
“And what do you do here, then, at this house, on this night of all nights? Falconmere Castle lies a good twenty leagues on from here, on the other side of the moors.”
“The coachman – an ill-natured fellow, and a mute, or so he pretended to be, for he formed no words, but made his wishes known only by grunts and gobblings – reined in his team a mile or so back down the road, or so I judge, and then he shewed me by gestures that he would go no further, and that I was to alight. When I did refuse to do so, he pushed me roughly from the carriage to the cold earth, then, whipping the poor horses into a frenzy, he clattered off the way he had come, taking my several bags and my trunk with him. I called after him, but he did not return, and it seemed to me that a deeper darkness stirred in the forest gloom behind me. I saw the light in your window and I . . . I . . .” She was able to keep up her pretence of bravery no longer, and she began to sob.
“Your father,” came the voice from the other side of the door. “Would he have been the Honourable Hubert Earnshawe?”
Amelia choked back her tears. “Yes. Yes, he was.”
“And you – you say you are an orphan?”
She thought of her father, of his tweed jacket, as the maelstrom seized him, and whipped him onto the rocks and away from her forever.
“He died trying to save my mother’s life. They both were drowned.”
She heard the dull chunking of a key being turned in a lock, then twin booms as iron bolts were drawn back. “Welcome, then, Miss Amelia Earnshawe. Welcome to your inheritance, in this house without a name. Aye, welcome – on this night, of all nights.” The door opened.
The man held a black tallow candle; its flickering flame illuminated his face from below, giving it an unearthly and eldritch appearance. He could have been a Jack O’Lantern, she thought, or a particularly elderly axe-murderer.
He gestured for her to come in.
“Why do you keep saying that?” she asked.
“Why do I keep saying what?”
“On this night of all nights. You’ve said it three times so far.”
He simply stared at her for a moment. Then he beckoned again, with one bone-coloured finger. As she entered, he thrust the candle close to her face, and stared at her with eyes that were not truly mad, but were still far from sane. He seemed to be examining her, and eventually he grunted, and nodded. “This way,” was all he said.
She followed him down a long corridor. The candle-flame threw fantastic shadows about the two of them, and in its light the grandfather clock and the spindly chairs and table danced and capered. The old man fumbled with his keychain, and unlocked a door in the wall, beneath the stairs. A smell came from the darkness beyond, of must and dust and abandonment.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
He nodded, as if he had not understood her. Then he said, “There are some as are what they are. And there are some as aren’t what they seem to be. And there are some as only seem to be what they seem to be. Mark my words, and mark them well, Hubert Earnshawe’s daughter. Do you understand me?”
She shook her head. He began to walk, and did not look back.
She followed the old man down the stairs.
Far away and far along the young man slammed his quill down upon the manuscript, spattering sepia ink across the ream of paper and the polished table.
“It’s no good,” he said despondently. He dabbed at a circle of ink he had just made on the table with a delicate forefinger, smearing the teak a darker brown, then, unthinking, he rubbed the finger against the bridge of his nose. It left a dark smudge.
“No, sir?” The butler had entered almost soundlessly.
“It’s happening again, Toombes. Humour creeps in. Self-parody whispers at the edges of things. I find myself guying literary convention and sending up both myself and the whole scrivening profession.”
The butler gazed unblinking at his young master. “I believe humour is very highly thought of in certain circles, sir.”
The young man rested his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead pensively with his fingertips. He sighed. “That’s not the point, Toombes. I’m trying to create a slice of life here, an accurate representation of the world as it is, and of the human condition. Instead, I find myself indulging, as I write, in schoolboy parody of the foibles of my fellows. I make little jokes.” He had smeared ink all over his face. “Very little.”
From the forbidden room at the top of the house an eerie, ululating cry rang out, echoing through the house. The young man sighed. “You had better feed Aunt Agatha, Toombes.”
“Very good, sir.”
The young man picked up the quill pen and idly scratched his ear with the tip.
Behind him, in a bad light, hung the portrait of his great-great grandfather. The painted eyes had been cut out most carefully, long ago, and now real eyes stared out of the canvas face, looking down at the writer. The eyes glinted a tawny gold. If the young man had turned around, and remarked upon them, he might have thought them the golden eyes of some great cat or of some misshapen bird of prey, were such a thing possible. These were not eyes that belonged in any human head. But the young man did not turn. Instead, oblivious, he reached for a new sheet of paper, dipped his quill into the glass inkwell, and commenced to write:
“Aye . . .” said the old man, putting down the black tallow candle on the silent harmonium. “He is our master, and we are his slaves, though we pretend to ourselves that it is not so. But when the time is right, then he demands what he craves, and it is our duty and our compulsion to provide him with . . .” he shuddered, and drew a breath. Then he said only, “. . . with what he needs.”
The bat wing curtains shook and fluttered in the glassless casement as the storm drew closer. Amelia clutched the lace handkerchief to her breast, her father’s monogram upwards. “And the gate?” she asked, in a whisper.
“It was locked in your ancestor’s time, and he charged, before he vanished, that it should always remain so. But there are still tunnels, folk do say, that link the old crypt with the burial grounds.”
“And Sir Frederick’s first wife . . .?”
He shook his head, sadly. “Hopelessly insane, and but a mediocre harpsichord player. He put it about that she was dead, and perhaps some believed him.”
She repeated his last four words to herself. Then she looked up at him, a new resolve in her eyes.
“And for myself? Now I have learned why I am here, what do you advise me to do?”
He peered around the empty hall. Then he said, urgently, “Fly from here, Miss Earnshawe. Fly while there is still time. Fly for your life, fly for your immortal aagh.”
“My what?” she asked, but even as the words escaped her crimson lips the old man crumpled to the floor. A silver crossbow quarrel protruded from the back of his head.
“He is dead,” she said, in shocked wonderment.
“Aye,” affirmed a cruel voice from the far end of the hall. “But he was dead before this day, girl. And I do think that he has been dead a monstrous long time.”
Under her shocked gaze, the body began to putresce. The flesh dripped and rotted and liquefied, the bones revealed crumbled and oozed, until there was nothing but a stinking mass of foetor where once there had been a man.
Amelia squatted beside it, then dipped her fingertip into the noxious stuff. She licked her finger with her tongue, and she made a face. “You would appear to be right, sir, whoever you are,” she said. “I would estimate that he has been dead for the better part of a hundred years.”
“I am endeavouring,” said the young man to the chambermaid, “to write a novel that reflects life as it is, mirrors it down to the finest degree. Yet as I write it turns to dross and gross mockery. What should I do? Eh, Ethel? What should I do?”
“I’m sure I don’t know, sir,” said the chambermaid, who was pretty and young, and had come to the great house in mysterious circumstances several weeks earlier. She gave the bellows several more squeezes, making the heart of the fire glow an orange-white. “Will that be all?”
“Yes. No. Yes,” he said. “You may go, Ethel.”
The girl picked up the now-empty coal-scuttle and walked at a steady pace across the drawing room.
The young man made no move to return to his writing-desk; instead he stood in thought by the fireplace, staring at the human skull on the mantel, at the twin crossed swords that hung above it upon the wall. The fire crackled and spat as a lump of coal broke in half.
Footsteps, close behind him. The young man turned. “You?”
The man facing him was almost his double – the white streak in the auburn hair proclaimed them of the same blood, if any proof were needed. The stranger’s eyes were dark and wild, his mouth petulant yet oddly firm.
“Yes – I! I, your elder brother, whom you thought dead these many years. But I am not dead – or perhaps, I am no longer dead – and I have come back – aye, come back from ways that are best left untravelled – to claim what is truly mine.”
The young man’s eyebrows raised. “I see. Well, obviously all this is yours – if you can prove that you are who you say you are.”
“Proof? I need no proof. I claim birth-right, and blood-right – and death-right!” So saying, he pulled both the swords down from above the fireplace, and passed one, hilt first, to his younger brother. “Now guard you, my brother – and may the best man win.”
Steel flashed in the firelight and kissed and clashed and kissed again in an intricate dance of thrust and parry. At times it seemed no more than a dainty minuet, or a courtly and deliberate ritual, while at other times it seemed pure savagery, a wildness that moved faster than the eye could easily follow. Around and around the room they went, and up the steps to the mezzanine, and down the steps to the main hall. They swung from drapes and from chandeliers. They leapt up on tables and down again.
The older brother obviously was more experienced, and, perhaps, was a better swordsman, but the younger man was fresher and he fought like a man possessed, forcing his opponent back and back and back to the roaring fire itself. The older brother reached out with his left hand and grasped the poker. He swung it wildly at the younger, who ducked, and, in one elegant motion, ran his brother through.
“I am done for. I am a dead man.”
The younger brother nodded his ink-stained face.
“Perhaps it is better this way. Truly, I did not want the house, or the lands. All I wanted, I think, was peace.” He lay there, bleeding crimson onto the grey flagstone. “Brother? Take my hand.”
The young man knelt, and clasped a hand that already, it seemed to him, was becoming cold.
“Before I go into that night that none can follow, there are things I must tell you. Firstly, with my death, I truly believe the curse is lifted from our line. The second . . .” His breath now came in a bubbling wheeze, and he was having difficulty speaking. “The second . . . is . . . the . . . the thing in the abyss . . . beware the cellars . . . the rats . . . the – it follows!”
And with this his head lolled on the stone, and his eyes rolled back and saw nothing, ever again.
Outside the house, the raven cawed thrice. Inside, strange music had begun to skirl up from the crypt, signifying that, for some, the wake had already started.
The younger brother, once more, he hoped, the rightful possessor of his title, picked up a bell and rang for a servant. Toombes the butler was there in the doorway before the last ring had died away.
“Remove this,” said the young man. “But treat it well. He died to redeem himself. Perhaps to redeem us both.”
Toombes said nothing, merely nodded to show that he had understood.
The young man walked out of the drawing room. He entered the Hall of Mirrors – a hall from which all the mirrors had carefully been removed, leaving irregularly-shaped patches on the paneled walls, and, believing himself alone, he began to muse aloud.
“This is precisely what I was talking about,” he said. “Had such a thing happened in one of my tales – and such things happen all the time – I would have felt myself constrained to guy it unmercifully.” He slammed a fist against a wall, where once a hexagonal mirror had hung. “What is wrong with me? Wherefore this flaw?”
Strange scuttling things gibbered and cheetled in the black drapes at the end of the room, and high in the gloomy oak beams, and behind the wainscoting, but they made no answer. He had expected none.
He walked up the grand staircase, and along a darkened hall, to enter his study. Someone, he suspected, had been tampering with his papers. He suspected that he would find out who later that evening, after the Gathering.
He sat down at his desk, dipped his quill pen once more, and continued to write.
Outside the room the ghoul-lords howled with frustration and hunger, and they threw themselves against the door in their ravenous fury, but the locks were stout, and Amelia had every hope that they would hold.
What had the wood-cutter said to her? His words came back to her then, in her time of need, as if he were standing close to her, his manly frame mere inches from her feminine curves, the very scent of his honest labouring body surrounding her like the headiest perfume, and she heard his words as if he were, that moment, whispering them in her ear. “I was not always in the state you see me in now, lassie,” he had told her. “Once I had another name, and a destiny unconnected to the hewing of cords of firewood from fallen trees. But know you this – in the escritoire, there is a secret compartment, or so my great uncle claimed, when he was in his cups . . .”
The escritoire! Of course!
She rushed to the old writing desk. At first she could find no trace of a secret compartment. She pulled out the drawers, one after another, and then perceived that one of them was much shorter than the rest, which seeing she forced her white hand into the space where the drawer had been, and found, at the back, a button. Frantically, she pressed it. Something opened, and she put her hand on a tightly rolled paper scroll.
Amelia withdrew her hand. The scroll was tied with a dusty black ribbon, and with fumbling fingers she untied the knot, and opened the paper. Then she read, trying to make sense of the antiquated handwriting, of the ancient words. As she did so, a ghastly pallor suffused her handsome face, and even her violet eyes seemed clouded and distracted.
The knockings and the scratchings redoubled. In but a short time they would burst through, she had no doubt. No door could hold them forever. They would burst through, and she would be their prey. Unless, unless . . .
“Stop!” she called, her voice trembling. “I abjure you, every one of you, and thee most of all, oh Prince of Carrion. In the name of the ancient compact, between thy people and mine.”
The sounds stopped. It seemed to the girl that there was shock in that silence Finally, a cracked voice said, “The compact?” and a dozen voices, as ghastly again, whispered “The compact,” in a susurrus of unearthly sound.
“Aye!” called Amelia Earnshawe, her voice no longer unsteady. “The compact.”
For the scroll, the long-hidden scroll, had been the compact – the dread agreement between the Lords of the House, and the denizens of the crypt in ages past. It had described and enumerated the nightmarish rituals that had chained them one to another over the centuries – rituals of blood, and of salt, and more.
“If you have read the compact,” said a deep voice from beyond the door, “then you know what we need, Hubert Earnshawe’s daughter.”
“Brides,” she said, simply.
“The brides!” came the whisper from beyond the door, and it redoubled and resounded until it seemed to her that the very house itself throbbed and echoed to the beat of those words – two syllables invested with longing, and with love, and with hunger.
Amelia bit her lip. “Aye. The brides. I will bring thee brides. I shall bring brides for all.”
She spoke quietly, but they heard her, for there was only silence, a deep and velvet silence, on the other side of the door.
And then one ghoul-voice hissed, “Yes, and do you think we could get her to throw in a side-order of those little bread-roll things?”
Hot tears stung the young man’s eyes. He pushed the papers from him, and flung the quill pen across the room. It spattered its inky load over the bust of his great-great-great grandfather, the brown ink soiling the patient white marble. The occupant of the bust, a large and mournful raven, startled, nearly fell off, and only kept its place by dint of flapping its wings, several times. It turned, then, in an awkward step and hop, to stare with one black bead eye at the young man.
“Oh, this is intolerable!” exclaimed the young man. He was pale and trembling. “I cannot do it, and I shall never do it. I swear now, by . . .” and he hesitated, casting his mind around for a suitable curse from the extensive family archives.
The raven looked unimpressed. “Before you start cursing, and probably dragging peacefully dead and respectable ancestors back from their well-earned graves, just answer me one question.” The voice of the bird was like stone striking against stone.
The young man said nothing, at first. It is not unknown for ravens to talk, but this one had not done so before, and he had not been expecting it to. “Certainly. Ask your question.”
The raven tipped its head onto one side. “Do you like writing that stuff?”
“Like?”
“That life-as-it-is-stuff you do. I’ve looked over your shoulder sometimes. I’ve even read a little here and there. Do you enjoy writing it?”
The young man looked down at the bird. “It’s literature,” he explained, as if to a child. “Real literature. Real life. The real world. It’s an artist’s job to show people the world they live in. We hold up mirrors.”
Outside the room lightning clove the sky. The young man glanced out of the window: a jagged streak of blinding fire created warped and ominous silhouettes from the bony trees and the ruined abbey on the hill.
The raven cleared its throat.
“I said, do you enjoy it?”
The young man looked at the bird, then he looked away and, wordlessly, he shook his head.
“That’s why you keep trying to pull it apart,” said the bird. “It’s not the satirist in you that makes you lampoon the commonplace and the humdrum. Merely boredom with the way things are. D’you see?” It paused to preen a stray wingfeather back into place with its beak. Then it looked up at him once more. “Have you ever thought of writi
“A Rude Awakening” © 2005 by Gail-Nina Anderson. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Yo Ho Hoka!” © 1955 by Fantasy House, Inc. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, March 1955. Reprinted by permission of The Chris Lotts Agency, New York, and David W. Wixon on behalf of the respective authors’ estates.
“The Sea Serpent Syndicate” by Everard Jack Appleton. First published in The Royal Magazine, April 1905. Copyright expired.
“The Strange Affair of Mr Corpusty” © 1932 by George A.A. Willis. Reprinted from The Prince Who Hiccupped and Other Tales (Benn, 1932) by permission of the author’s estate.
“The Blue Magnolia” © 2000 by Tony Ballantyne. First published in The Third Alternative #22 (January 2000). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Great Wish Syndicate” by John Kendrick Bangs, first published in Jack and the Check Book (New York: Harper, 1911). Copyright expired.
“The Power and the Gory” © 2005 by James Bibby. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Kaluza-Klein Caper” © 2005 by Damien Broderick. Originally published in a different form as part of the novel Striped Holes (New York: Avon Books, 1988). Printed by permission of the author.
“Bad Timing” © 1991 by Molly Brown. First published in Interzone, December 1991. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Fractal Paisleys” © 1992 by Paul Di Filippo. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, May 1992. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Sweet, Savage Sorcerer” © 1989 by Esther Friesner. First published in Amazing Stories, January 1990. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Forbidden Brides of the Faceless Slaves in the Nameless House of the Night of Dread Desire” © 2004 by Neil Gaiman. First published in Gothic! edited by Deborah Noyes (Cambridge, MS: Candlewick Press, 2004). Reprinted by permission of the author and Candlewick Press.
“A Drama of Dragons” © 1980 by Craig Shaw Gardner. First published in Dragons of Light edited by Orson Scott Card (New York: Ace Books, 1980). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Almost Heaven” © 2004 by Tom Gerencer. First published as “Almost (But Not Quite) Heaven” in Realms of Fantasy, October 2004. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“I Married a Robot” © 1999 by Ron Goulart. First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, November 1999. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Wrong Planet” © 2005 by Tom Holt. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Deaths of Robin Hood” © 2002 by Rhys Hughes. A slightly different version was published as “Robin Hood’s New Mother” in Stories from a Lost Anthology (Leyburn: Tartarus Press, 2002). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Sooner or Later or Never Never” © 1972 by Gary Jennings. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, May 1972. Reprinted by permission of McIntosh and Otis, Inc., on behalf of the author’s estate.
“Christmas Games” © 1993 by David Langford. First published in Christmas Forever edited by David Hartwell (New York: Tor Books, 1993). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Return of the Warrior” © 2005 by Laird Long. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Sing a Song of Sixpence” © 1999 by Robert Loy. First published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, June 1999. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“The Mirrors of Moggropple” © 1982 and 1989 by John Morressy. First published as two separate stories in The Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction, “The Crystal of Caracodissa” (September 1982) and “Mirror, Mirror, Off the Wall” (August 1988). Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Colquitt’s High-Energy Trousers” © 2003 by Steven Pirie. First published in Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #7 (June/July 2003). Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Mrs Wilson and the Black Arts of Mrs Beelzebub from Number Six” © 2005 by Steven Pirie. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Fowl Play” © 2005 by Steve Redwood. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Day We Played Mars” © 1949 by Maurice Richardson. First published by Lilliput, March 1949. Reprinted by permission of David Higham Associates as agent for the author’s estate.
“Pest Control” © 2005 by Adam Roberts. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“Spoiled Rotten” © 1993 by Grey Rollins. First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, April 1993. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Shoes” © 2001 by Robert Sheckley. First published in Fantasy & Science Fiction, February 2002. Reprinted by permission of the author’s estate.
“Stephen Skarridge’s Christmas” by Frank R. Stockton. First published in Scribner’s Monthly, January 1872. Copyright expired.
“Stakes and Adders” © 2005 by Marilyn Todd. First publication, original to this anthology. Printed by permission of the author.
“The Birth of A.I.” © 1998 by Cynthia Ward. First published as “The Birth of Artificial Intelligence” in XOddity #3 (May 1998). Reprinted by permission of the author.
It was a dark and stormy night. Deep in the forest, just within earshot of the Walderslade bypass, a young, virile but careworn man sat hunched over a pile of manuscripts.
“Now, what have we here?” he muttered to himself as the winds battered against his window and the trees formed eerie tracery against the scudding clouds. He began to leaf through the stories in front of him, recalling their pleasures.
“Ah, yes, the intelligent alien banana turned detective, the teddy-bear pirates, the computerized shoes, the high-energy trousers that threaten the universe, the Neighbourhood Watch and the forces of Beelzebub, the missionary who underestimates an aboriginal ritual, the talking moose head . . .”
Hang on, hang on. What’s all this?
“Ssshh – don’t interrupt.”
What are you doing?
“Go away. You’ll spoil everything.”
You’re not doing another of your Introductions, are you?
“Of course not. This is the story of a forgotten genius and his great works.”
Forgotten genius! What’s this: “young . . . virile!”
“Be quiet. You’ll ruin it.”
Look, we had all this out last time. No one reads Introductions. I bet they’re already halfway through the book. They can find out what everything’s about themselves.
“No, no, I must reveal what wonders lie before them. All the hard work that went into the book. That there are eight brand new stories and some very rare reprints. And about the politically incorrect bits . . .”
Ah, that sounds good. I must look out for those.
“. . . and the significance of the title.”
Why, what have you called it this time? The Enormous Book of Strenuously Comic Fantasy? The Huge Book of Rib-tickling Fantastica?
“No I haven’t. It’s now become a standard title.”
A what?
“Look, never mind. Go away and let me explain everything properly.”
You don’t need to explain everything. It spoils the magic.
“That’s true, I don’t want to spoil the magic. But there’s still so much I want to say.”
Why not save it for those story blurbs you write?
“No, no, I’m not doing story notes here, because I want the stories to flow together. I’ve arranged them so that they’re kind-of connected.”
Really?
“Well, sort of.”
That’s good. So there’s even less of your ramblings.
“No. I’ve done a note on contributors at the back of the book.”
Good, say what you want there. Now can we get on with it?
“Well, yes, I suppose so.”
At last. Take it away, Neil. Get this show on the road.
Mike AshleyFebruary 2005
Somewhere in the night, someone was writing.
Her feet scrunched the gravel as she ran, wildly, up the tree-lined drive, Her heart was pounding in her chest, her lungs felt as if they were bursting, heaving breath after breath of the cold night air. Her eyes fixed on the house ahead, the single light in the topmost room drawing her toward it like a moth to a candle flame. Above her, and away in the deep forest behind the house, night-things whooped and skrarked. From the road behind her, she heard something scream, briefly – a small animal, that had been the victim of some beast of prey, she hoped, but could not be certain.
She ran as if the legions of hell were close on her heels, and spared not even a glance behind her until she reached the porch of the old mansion. In the moon’s pale light the white pillars seemed skeletal, like the bones of great beast. She clung to the wooden doorframe, gulping air, staring back down the long driveway, as if she were waiting for something, and then she rapped on the door – timorously at first, and then harder. The rapping echoed through the house. She imagined, from the echo that came back to her that, far away, someone was knocking on another door. muffled and dead.
“Please!” she called. “If there’s someone here – anyone – please let me in. I beseech you. I implore you.” Her voice sounded strange to her ears.
The flickering light in the topmost room faded and vanished, to reappear in successive descending windows. One person, then, with a candle. The light vanished into the depths of the house. She tried to catch her breath. It seemed like an age passed before she heard footsteps on the other side of the door, and spied a chink of candle-light through a crack in the ill-fitting doorframe.
“Hello?” she said.
The voice, when it spoke, was dry as old bone – a desiccated voice, redolent of crackling parchment and musty grave-hangings. “Who calls?” it said, “Who knocks? Who calls, on this night of all nights?”
The voice gave her no comfort. She looked out at the night that enveloped the house, then pulled herself straight, tossed her raven locks, and said, in a voice that, she hoped, betrayed no fear, “’Tis I, Amelia Earnshawe, recently orphaned and now on my way to take up a position as a governess to the two small children – a boy, and a girl – of Lord Falconmere, whose cruel glances I found, during our interview in his London residence, both repellent and fascinating, but whose aquiline face haunts my dreams.”
“And what do you do here, then, at this house, on this night of all nights? Falconmere Castle lies a good twenty leagues on from here, on the other side of the moors.”
“The coachman – an ill-natured fellow, and a mute, or so he pretended to be, for he formed no words, but made his wishes known only by grunts and gobblings – reined in his team a mile or so back down the road, or so I judge, and then he shewed me by gestures that he would go no further, and that I was to alight. When I did refuse to do so, he pushed me roughly from the carriage to the cold earth, then, whipping the poor horses into a frenzy, he clattered off the way he had come, taking my several bags and my trunk with him. I called after him, but he did not return, and it seemed to me that a deeper darkness stirred in the forest gloom behind me. I saw the light in your window and I . . . I . . .” She was able to keep up her pretence of bravery no longer, and she began to sob.
“Your father,” came the voice from the other side of the door. “Would he have been the Honourable Hubert Earnshawe?”
Amelia choked back her tears. “Yes. Yes, he was.”
“And you – you say you are an orphan?”
She thought of her father, of his tweed jacket, as the maelstrom seized him, and whipped him onto the rocks and away from her forever.
“He died trying to save my mother’s life. They both were drowned.”
She heard the dull chunking of a key being turned in a lock, then twin booms as iron bolts were drawn back. “Welcome, then, Miss Amelia Earnshawe. Welcome to your inheritance, in this house without a name. Aye, welcome – on this night, of all nights.” The door opened.
The man held a black tallow candle; its flickering flame illuminated his face from below, giving it an unearthly and eldritch appearance. He could have been a Jack O’Lantern, she thought, or a particularly elderly axe-murderer.
He gestured for her to come in.
“Why do you keep saying that?” she asked.
“Why do I keep saying what?”
“On this night of all nights. You’ve said it three times so far.”
He simply stared at her for a moment. Then he beckoned again, with one bone-coloured finger. As she entered, he thrust the candle close to her face, and stared at her with eyes that were not truly mad, but were still far from sane. He seemed to be examining her, and eventually he grunted, and nodded. “This way,” was all he said.
She followed him down a long corridor. The candle-flame threw fantastic shadows about the two of them, and in its light the grandfather clock and the spindly chairs and table danced and capered. The old man fumbled with his keychain, and unlocked a door in the wall, beneath the stairs. A smell came from the darkness beyond, of must and dust and abandonment.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
He nodded, as if he had not understood her. Then he said, “There are some as are what they are. And there are some as aren’t what they seem to be. And there are some as only seem to be what they seem to be. Mark my words, and mark them well, Hubert Earnshawe’s daughter. Do you understand me?”
She shook her head. He began to walk, and did not look back.
She followed the old man down the stairs.
Far away and far along the young man slammed his quill down upon the manuscript, spattering sepia ink across the ream of paper and the polished table.
“It’s no good,” he said despondently. He dabbed at a circle of ink he had just made on the table with a delicate forefinger, smearing the teak a darker brown, then, unthinking, he rubbed the finger against the bridge of his nose. It left a dark smudge.
“No, sir?” The butler had entered almost soundlessly.
“It’s happening again, Toombes. Humour creeps in. Self-parody whispers at the edges of things. I find myself guying literary convention and sending up both myself and the whole scrivening profession.”
The butler gazed unblinking at his young master. “I believe humour is very highly thought of in certain circles, sir.”
The young man rested his head in his hands, rubbing his forehead pensively with his fingertips. He sighed. “That’s not the point, Toombes. I’m trying to create a slice of life here, an accurate representation of the world as it is, and of the human condition. Instead, I find myself indulging, as I write, in schoolboy parody of the foibles of my fellows. I make little jokes.” He had smeared ink all over his face. “Very little.”
From the forbidden room at the top of the house an eerie, ululating cry rang out, echoing through the house. The young man sighed. “You had better feed Aunt Agatha, Toombes.”
“Very good, sir.”
The young man picked up the quill pen and idly scratched his ear with the tip.
Behind him, in a bad light, hung the portrait of his great-great grandfather. The painted eyes had been cut out most carefully, long ago, and now real eyes stared out of the canvas face, looking down at the writer. The eyes glinted a tawny gold. If the young man had turned around, and remarked upon them, he might have thought them the golden eyes of some great cat or of some misshapen bird of prey, were such a thing possible. These were not eyes that belonged in any human head. But the young man did not turn. Instead, oblivious, he reached for a new sheet of paper, dipped his quill into the glass inkwell, and commenced to write:
“Aye . . .” said the old man, putting down the black tallow candle on the silent harmonium. “He is our master, and we are his slaves, though we pretend to ourselves that it is not so. But when the time is right, then he demands what he craves, and it is our duty and our compulsion to provide him with . . .” he shuddered, and drew a breath. Then he said only, “. . . with what he needs.”
The bat wing curtains shook and fluttered in the glassless casement as the storm drew closer. Amelia clutched the lace handkerchief to her breast, her father’s monogram upwards. “And the gate?” she asked, in a whisper.
“It was locked in your ancestor’s time, and he charged, before he vanished, that it should always remain so. But there are still tunnels, folk do say, that link the old crypt with the burial grounds.”
“And Sir Frederick’s first wife . . .?”
He shook his head, sadly. “Hopelessly insane, and but a mediocre harpsichord player. He put it about that she was dead, and perhaps some believed him.”
She repeated his last four words to herself. Then she looked up at him, a new resolve in her eyes.
“And for myself? Now I have learned why I am here, what do you advise me to do?”
He peered around the empty hall. Then he said, urgently, “Fly from here, Miss Earnshawe. Fly while there is still time. Fly for your life, fly for your immortal aagh.”
“My what?” she asked, but even as the words escaped her crimson lips the old man crumpled to the floor. A silver crossbow quarrel protruded from the back of his head.
“He is dead,” she said, in shocked wonderment.
“Aye,” affirmed a cruel voice from the far end of the hall. “But he was dead before this day, girl. And I do think that he has been dead a monstrous long time.”
Under her shocked gaze, the body began to putresce. The flesh dripped and rotted and liquefied, the bones revealed crumbled and oozed, until there was nothing but a stinking mass of foetor where once there had been a man.
Amelia squatted beside it, then dipped her fingertip into the noxious stuff. She licked her finger with her tongue, and she made a face. “You would appear to be right, sir, whoever you are,” she said. “I would estimate that he has been dead for the better part of a hundred years.”
“I am endeavouring,” said the young man to the chambermaid, “to write a novel that reflects life as it is, mirrors it down to the finest degree. Yet as I write it turns to dross and gross mockery. What should I do? Eh, Ethel? What should I do?”
“I’m sure I don’t know, sir,” said the chambermaid, who was pretty and young, and had come to the great house in mysterious circumstances several weeks earlier. She gave the bellows several more squeezes, making the heart of the fire glow an orange-white. “Will that be all?”
“Yes. No. Yes,” he said. “You may go, Ethel.”
The girl picked up the now-empty coal-scuttle and walked at a steady pace across the drawing room.
The young man made no move to return to his writing-desk; instead he stood in thought by the fireplace, staring at the human skull on the mantel, at the twin crossed swords that hung above it upon the wall. The fire crackled and spat as a lump of coal broke in half.
Footsteps, close behind him. The young man turned. “You?”
The man facing him was almost his double – the white streak in the auburn hair proclaimed them of the same blood, if any proof were needed. The stranger’s eyes were dark and wild, his mouth petulant yet oddly firm.
“Yes – I! I, your elder brother, whom you thought dead these many years. But I am not dead – or perhaps, I am no longer dead – and I have come back – aye, come back from ways that are best left untravelled – to claim what is truly mine.”
The young man’s eyebrows raised. “I see. Well, obviously all this is yours – if you can prove that you are who you say you are.”
“Proof? I need no proof. I claim birth-right, and blood-right – and death-right!” So saying, he pulled both the swords down from above the fireplace, and passed one, hilt first, to his younger brother. “Now guard you, my brother – and may the best man win.”
Steel flashed in the firelight and kissed and clashed and kissed again in an intricate dance of thrust and parry. At times it seemed no more than a dainty minuet, or a courtly and deliberate ritual, while at other times it seemed pure savagery, a wildness that moved faster than the eye could easily follow. Around and around the room they went, and up the steps to the mezzanine, and down the steps to the main hall. They swung from drapes and from chandeliers. They leapt up on tables and down again.
The older brother obviously was more experienced, and, perhaps, was a better swordsman, but the younger man was fresher and he fought like a man possessed, forcing his opponent back and back and back to the roaring fire itself. The older brother reached out with his left hand and grasped the poker. He swung it wildly at the younger, who ducked, and, in one elegant motion, ran his brother through.
“I am done for. I am a dead man.”
The younger brother nodded his ink-stained face.
“Perhaps it is better this way. Truly, I did not want the house, or the lands. All I wanted, I think, was peace.” He lay there, bleeding crimson onto the grey flagstone. “Brother? Take my hand.”
The young man knelt, and clasped a hand that already, it seemed to him, was becoming cold.
“Before I go into that night that none can follow, there are things I must tell you. Firstly, with my death, I truly believe the curse is lifted from our line. The second . . .” His breath now came in a bubbling wheeze, and he was having difficulty speaking. “The second . . . is . . . the . . . the thing in the abyss . . . beware the cellars . . . the rats . . . the – it follows!”
And with this his head lolled on the stone, and his eyes rolled back and saw nothing, ever again.
Outside the house, the raven cawed thrice. Inside, strange music had begun to skirl up from the crypt, signifying that, for some, the wake had already started.
The younger brother, once more, he hoped, the rightful possessor of his title, picked up a bell and rang for a servant. Toombes the butler was there in the doorway before the last ring had died away.
“Remove this,” said the young man. “But treat it well. He died to redeem himself. Perhaps to redeem us both.”
Toombes said nothing, merely nodded to show that he had understood.
The young man walked out of the drawing room. He entered the Hall of Mirrors – a hall from which all the mirrors had carefully been removed, leaving irregularly-shaped patches on the paneled walls, and, believing himself alone, he began to muse aloud.
“This is precisely what I was talking about,” he said. “Had such a thing happened in one of my tales – and such things happen all the time – I would have felt myself constrained to guy it unmercifully.” He slammed a fist against a wall, where once a hexagonal mirror had hung. “What is wrong with me? Wherefore this flaw?”
Strange scuttling things gibbered and cheetled in the black drapes at the end of the room, and high in the gloomy oak beams, and behind the wainscoting, but they made no answer. He had expected none.
He walked up the grand staircase, and along a darkened hall, to enter his study. Someone, he suspected, had been tampering with his papers. He suspected that he would find out who later that evening, after the Gathering.
He sat down at his desk, dipped his quill pen once more, and continued to write.
Outside the room the ghoul-lords howled with frustration and hunger, and they threw themselves against the door in their ravenous fury, but the locks were stout, and Amelia had every hope that they would hold.
What had the wood-cutter said to her? His words came back to her then, in her time of need, as if he were standing close to her, his manly frame mere inches from her feminine curves, the very scent of his honest labouring body surrounding her like the headiest perfume, and she heard his words as if he were, that moment, whispering them in her ear. “I was not always in the state you see me in now, lassie,” he had told her. “Once I had another name, and a destiny unconnected to the hewing of cords of firewood from fallen trees. But know you this – in the escritoire, there is a secret compartment, or so my great uncle claimed, when he was in his cups . . .”
The escritoire! Of course!
She rushed to the old writing desk. At first she could find no trace of a secret compartment. She pulled out the drawers, one after another, and then perceived that one of them was much shorter than the rest, which seeing she forced her white hand into the space where the drawer had been, and found, at the back, a button. Frantically, she pressed it. Something opened, and she put her hand on a tightly rolled paper scroll.
Amelia withdrew her hand. The scroll was tied with a dusty black ribbon, and with fumbling fingers she untied the knot, and opened the paper. Then she read, trying to make sense of the antiquated handwriting, of the ancient words. As she did so, a ghastly pallor suffused her handsome face, and even her violet eyes seemed clouded and distracted.
The knockings and the scratchings redoubled. In but a short time they would burst through, she had no doubt. No door could hold them forever. They would burst through, and she would be their prey. Unless, unless . . .
“Stop!” she called, her voice trembling. “I abjure you, every one of you, and thee most of all, oh Prince of Carrion. In the name of the ancient compact, between thy people and mine.”
The sounds stopped. It seemed to the girl that there was shock in that silence Finally, a cracked voice said, “The compact?” and a dozen voices, as ghastly again, whispered “The compact,” in a susurrus of unearthly sound.
“Aye!” called Amelia Earnshawe, her voice no longer unsteady. “The compact.”
For the scroll, the long-hidden scroll, had been the compact – the dread agreement between the Lords of the House, and the denizens of the crypt in ages past. It had described and enumerated the nightmarish rituals that had chained them one to another over the centuries – rituals of blood, and of salt, and more.
“If you have read the compact,” said a deep voice from beyond the door, “then you know what we need, Hubert Earnshawe’s daughter.”
“Brides,” she said, simply.
“The brides!” came the whisper from beyond the door, and it redoubled and resounded until it seemed to her that the very house itself throbbed and echoed to the beat of those words – two syllables invested with longing, and with love, and with hunger.
Amelia bit her lip. “Aye. The brides. I will bring thee brides. I shall bring brides for all.”
She spoke quietly, but they heard her, for there was only silence, a deep and velvet silence, on the other side of the door.
And then one ghoul-voice hissed, “Yes, and do you think we could get her to throw in a side-order of those little bread-roll things?”
Hot tears stung the young man’s eyes. He pushed the papers from him, and flung the quill pen across the room. It spattered its inky load over the bust of his great-great-great grandfather, the brown ink soiling the patient white marble. The occupant of the bust, a large and mournful raven, startled, nearly fell off, and only kept its place by dint of flapping its wings, several times. It turned, then, in an awkward step and hop, to stare with one black bead eye at the young man.
“Oh, this is intolerable!” exclaimed the young man. He was pale and trembling. “I cannot do it, and I shall never do it. I swear now, by . . .” and he hesitated, casting his mind around for a suitable curse from the extensive family archives.
The raven looked unimpressed. “Before you start cursing, and probably dragging peacefully dead and respectable ancestors back from their well-earned graves, just answer me one question.” The voice of the bird was like stone striking against stone.
The young man said nothing, at first. It is not unknown for ravens to talk, but this one had not done so before, and he had not been expecting it to. “Certainly. Ask your question.”
The raven tipped its head onto one side. “Do you like writing that stuff?”
“Like?”
“That life-as-it-is-stuff you do. I’ve looked over your shoulder sometimes. I’ve even read a little here and there. Do you enjoy writing it?”
The young man looked down at the bird. “It’s literature,” he explained, as if to a child. “Real literature. Real life. The real world. It’s an artist’s job to show people the world they live in. We hold up mirrors.”
Outside the room lightning clove the sky. The young man glanced out of the window: a jagged streak of blinding fire created warped and ominous silhouettes from the bony trees and the ruined abbey on the hill.
The raven cleared its throat.
“I said, do you enjoy it?”
The young man looked at the bird, then he looked away and, wordlessly, he shook his head.
“That’s why you keep trying to pull it apart,” said the bird. “It’s not the satirist in you that makes you lampoon the commonplace and the humdrum. Merely boredom with the way things are. D’you see?” It paused to preen a stray wingfeather back into place with its beak. Then it looked up at him once more. “Have you ever thought of writi
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The Mammoth Book of New Comic Fantasy
Mike Ashley
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