What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Book 6: Chronicles of St. Mary's

by Jodi Taylor

Genres: Time Travel; Contemporary Fantasy

Synopsis

The sixth book in the bestselling Chronicles of St Mary's series which follows a group of tea-soaked disaster magnets as they hurtle their way around History. If you love Jasper Fforde or Ben Aaronovitch, you won't be able to resist Jodi Taylor.

What if the course of history was on your shoulders?

'To do what I do - go where I go - see what I see - it's a wonderful, unique, never-to-be-taken-for-granted privilege.'

With great privilege comes great responsibility, something Max knows only too well, and as newly appointed Chief Training Officer at the St Mary's Institute of Historical Research, it's up to her to drum this guiding principle into her five new recruits.

With a training programme that includes Joan of Arc, an illegal mammoth, a duplicitous Father of History, a bombed rat, Stone Age hunters and Dick the Turd, the question everyone is asking themselves is - what could possibly go wrong?

(P) 2015 Audible, Ltd

Release date: January 1, 2019

Publisher: Audible Studios

Print pages: 300

Sample

Dramatis Thingummy

Dr Edward Bairstow

Director of St Mary’s Institute of Historical Research.

Mrs Partridge

Kleio, daughter of Zeus, Muse of History. PA to Dr Bairstow.

History Department

Dr Tim Peterson

Chief Operations Officer.

Mr Clerk

Historian.

Miss Paula Prentiss

Historian.

Mr Tom Bashford

Recently rescued historian.

Miss Elspeth Grey

Ditto but strangely reluctant to resume her duties.

Mr Gareth Roberts

Historian.

Mr David Sands

Historian and possessor of the world’s worst collection of knock-knock jokes.

Miss Rosie Lee

PA to Chief Operations Officer.

Trainees

Dr Maxwell

Chief Training Officer. Also Mrs Leon Farrell.

Mr Phil Atherton

The quiet one.

Mr Laurence Hoyle

The mysterious one.

Miss Constance Lingoss

The misfit.

Miss Celia North

The perfect one.

Miss Elizabeth Sykes

The psycho.

Mrs Shaw

PA to Chief Training Officer.

Technical Section

Chief Leon Farrell

Chief Technical Officer.

Mr Dieter

The other Chief Technical Officer.

Security Section

Major Ian Guthrie

Head of Security Section.

Mr Markham

Security guard and winner of the one-handed bra-unfastening competition.

Mr William Randall

Security guard.

Mr Evans

Security guard.

Mr Gallaccio

Security guard.

Mr Cox

Security guard.

Mr Keller

Security guard

Medical Section

Dr Helen Foster

Suffering nicotine deprivation and possibly even more unstable than normal.

Nurse Diane Hunter

Recipient of Mr Markham’s affections.

Nurse Fortunata

Junior nurse.

Professor Andrew Rapson

Head of Research and Development.

Dr Octavius Dowson

Librarian and Archivist.

Miss Polly Perkins

Head of IT.

Mrs Theresa Mack

Kitchen Supremo.

Mrs Mavis Enderby

Head of Wardrobe.

The Time Police

Captain Matthew Ellis

Looking for trouble and choosing not to find it.

Dr Kalinda Black

Liaison officer to Thirsk University.

Vortigern

Agoraphobic kitchen cat reluctantly participating in vital historic research.

Key Historical characters

Herodotus

Father of History, Father of Lies, and a complete bastard.

Joan of Arc

Not having a good day.

Richard Plantagenet

Dick the Turd.

Henry Tudor

A man who would drink his own bathwater.

Sundry Egyptian tomb-builders, Neanderthals, Homo sapiens, mammoths, citizens of Rouen, the entire city of Bristol celebrating in the streets, various medieval armies, and a couple of passing policemen.

Chapter One

I stared at Dr Bairstow.

‘I’m sorry, sir. Could you say that again?’

A bit of a mistake there. He doesn’t like to repeat himself. We’re supposed to pick things up the first time around.

‘Which particular part was unclear, Dr Maxwell?’

I took a deep breath.

‘The bit about the American, sir.’

‘Really? I thought I expressed myself perfectly clearly.’

‘You did, sir. It’s the concept rather than the words that I’m not quite clear on.’

‘I have five trainees for you, Dr Maxwell. As Chief Training Officer, I had expected more enthusiasm. Not to mention gratitude.’

‘As you must know sir, enthusiasm and gratitude are my default state. It’s surprise that I’m wrestling with.’

‘And I have no doubt you will gain the upper hand any moment now.’

I sighed. ‘Upper hand gained, sir.’

‘There will be five of them – two men and three women.’

‘Excellent, sir.’

‘And one of them is from America.’

‘So – an American, sir?’

‘Normally, the answer would be yes. As you so rightly point out, a person from America is usually an American. But in this case – no.’

‘So – not an American then, sir?’

He smiled. I suspected he was winding me up and while I believe that senior managers should be given every opportunity to display their frivolous side, it should not happen at the expense of their newly appointed Chief Training Officer.

‘Perhaps,’ I said cunningly, ‘as someone new to this country, it would be helpful if she could spend a period of time at Thirsk University, acclimatising herself, so to speak.’

As if St Mary’s was perched atop the Andes.

‘Actually, Dr Maxwell, she is a he.’

‘Well, that’s no good to us, sir. We need more women. The History Department is unbalanced enough as it is.’

‘At last, we are in agreement over something. As you know, I always maintain that if two parties discuss their difficulties in a rational and sensible manner, common ground always emerges.’

This breath-taking hypocrisy from someone whose style of management had passed autocratic years ago and was entering the foothills of dictatorship left me temporarily speechless and while I was attempting to regroup he stooped to conquer.

‘I am at a loss to understand your consternation, Dr Maxwell.’

‘Well, the borders have been closed for some time now. How did he get out?’

‘Through the Canadian Corridor, I believe.’

That shut me up for a bit. The Canadian Corridor is not a stroll in the park.

I tried again.

‘Will he be able to understand us, sir? It’s a foreign language over there. I’ve heard they spell plough with a “w”?’

‘I share your horror,’ he said, ‘but since I have the strongest doubts that anyone in the History Department can spell the word plough in any language, I do not feel this is an insurmountable barrier to admission at St Mary’s.’

‘And he’s probably called Otis P. Hackensacker III. Or Spiced Tea Bag. Or something like that.’

He pretended to consult his notes. ‘No, he gives his name as Laurence Hoyle.’

‘What sort of name is that for an American?’

‘I believe we have covered this already, Dr Maxwell. He is not an American.’

‘You said …’

‘I said nothing of the kind. He is British and found himself caught there when the borders closed. He has, apparently, devoted the last two years of his life to returning to this country.’

I said sceptically, ‘What was he doing there in the first place? Is he a spy? Why would he want to come here to St Mary’s? Really, sir, it’s all very suspicious. And annoying.’

‘Strange though it may seem to you, Dr Maxwell, I do not believe Mr Hoyle smuggled himself out of America, crawled along the Canadian Corridor, transported himself across the Atlantic, and hitch-hiked his way across this country for the sole purpose of annoying you.’

‘So who has he come to annoy?’

There was a bit of a silence.

‘In an organisation that already contains you, Dr Maxwell, the acquisition of any further irritants would be superfluous.’

He was effortlessly hacking the ground from beneath my feet. I made a last valiant effort.

‘Do we know why he was in America in the first place, sir?’

‘It’s no secret. He was undertaking some research and was overtaken by events when the borders closed. Which makes him half way to being a member of the History Department already, I think you’ll agree.’

I nodded, gloomily. He had me there.

‘Five trainees for you, Dr Maxwell, arriving in ten days’ time. Will you be ready for them?’

I brought up the data stack.

‘The training schedule is complete, sir.’

‘Talk me through it, if you would be so good.’

‘As you can see, sir, the focus is on getting our trainees out there as soon as possible.’

‘Not too soon, I hope.’

‘No indeed, sir. They will undergo the basic training, of course. Theory and practice, getting themselves fit, self-defence, first aid, outdoor survival, all the usual stuff. However, instead of waiting until after they’ve worked their way through the theory and practice-of-pods module and the endless simulations, I propose to introduce a number of small jumps quite early on in the process. These jumps will be purpose-oriented. For instance, the first jump, the one to the Valley of the Kings, will incorporate mapping and surveying skills. The third, to Thurii, will cover interacting with contemporaries, and so on. Obviously, I’ll need to liaise with Dr Peterson, because this will all be subject to pod availability, and the needs of the History Department will take priority, but these new procedures mean we could knock months and months off the training period.’

He frowned. ‘These jumps, especially the early ones, will, of course, be heavily supervised?’

‘Oh yes, sir. Either by historians, the Security Section, or a combination of the two, and I or a member of the History Department will personally be present at each jump.’

‘There is a certain amount of risk involved in sending inexperienced and only half-trained people on real-life assignments.’

‘Agreed, sir, but it works both ways. If there’s a problem with any of our trainees, surely it’s better to discover this fairly early on in the programme, rather than after we’ve spent a fortune on getting them trained up. Or worse, suppose they go to pieces halfway through their first assignment when others may be depending on them.’

He stared at the stack for a while. ‘Very well, Dr Maxwell, the schedule is approved. Work it up into a full training programme. Involve Dr Peterson, of course. As Chief Operations Officer, he will be providing the backup. Mr Markham will provide the security.’

I flattened the data stack and looked up.

‘What about Major Guthrie, sir?’

‘He may not be available for a short period. He has requested permission to spend some time at Thirsk.’

Elspeth Grey was at Thirsk. It struck me suddenly that she had been there for a long time, now. She and her partner, Tom Bashford, had recently been rescued after being missing for ten years, and had gone off to Thirsk for a few months to get themselves reoriented. Bashford had returned and was noisily among us. Seemingly, he had acclimatised himself to his new world with no problems at all. Not so Elspeth Grey, apparently. I couldn’t find it in my heart to criticise. Bashford had been semi-conscious throughout their ordeal. Most of it had gone way over his battered head. She had been the one who battled to keep them both alive.

I kept my face as non-committal as I could. ‘Well, the Major never takes any leave so perhaps it will do him good.’

‘Perhaps,’ he said levelly.

‘Sir, may I make a suggestion?’

‘Of course.’

‘You asked me to select someone to represent us on the Belverde Caves expedition.’

He looked up. ‘The Botticelli paintings?’

I crossed my fingers for luck. ‘If they’re still there, of course.’

He smiled. ‘I think the world would know if they had already been discovered, Dr Maxwell.’

‘True. Anyway, sir, may I suggest Miss Grey? It could be a stepping-stone for her before returning to full duties here. Perhaps it would give her a chance to regain her confidence.’

He seemed to consider the suggestion. ‘I believe you were to nominate Mr Sands?’

How does he know these things? Yes, I had been considering David Sands but I didn’t remember mentioning it to anyone.

He smiled faintly. ‘Miss Prentiss and Mr Bashford are scheduled for 11th-century Coventry. Mr Clerk and Mr Roberts are putting together the Riveaux assignment and as the only historian not currently assigned, that really only leaves Mr Sands. I am not, actually, omnipotent, Dr Maxwell.’

‘Alas, sir. Another illusion shattered.’

‘As is, I believe, the large window in R&D. May I expect a report on the History Department’s latest catastrophe in the very near future?’

I replied with all the confidence of one no longer in charge of an erring History Department. ‘A trifling episode, sir. The result of a – vigorous – discussion between Dr Dowson and Professor Rapson on the long-standing question of torque versus tension.’

‘And was any decision reached?’

‘Still undetermined, sir. It was direction control that got away from them this time. Literally, you could say. However, on Dr Peterson’s instructions, any further experiments are to be conducted outside.’

‘Very wise. And how are you settling into your new position, Dr Maxwell?’

‘Absolutely fine, thank you, sir. Dr Peterson and I always work well together.’

‘That wasn’t quite what I meant. I was enquiring into your new status.’

I blinked. ‘Sorry?’

‘Chief Farrell?’

‘Oh.’

Oh. Yes. Leon Farrell. Chief Technical Officer. My … husband.

Yes. My husband. I was married. To Leon, I mean. I still had difficulty with that. Not being married, I mean. No, that wasn’t what I meant. I mean … oh, I don’t know. Start again, Maxwell.

Leon and I were married. Something neither of us ever thought would happen, and I’m damned sure no one else thought it would happen either and then, suddenly, right out of the blue, it did. On a wonderful starlit evening, surrounded by friends, we’d been married. We’d slipped away when no one was looking, driven off into the magical night, and ten minutes later we’d been assisting the police with their enquiries. A tree had been involved. Leon and I had history with trees. Apparently, the whole thing had passed into St Mary’s legend, and unkind people were still making jokes at our expense.

‘Everything is fine, thank you, sir.’

And it was. Mostly. There were the usual – discussions – that would always arise when two people, very accustomed to solitary lives, were suddenly living together, but this was easily overcome. In my new position, I wouldn’t see as much of him as I had when I’d been Chief Ops Officer. I was almost nine to five these days. He left me a cup of tea in the mornings when he departed and I often wouldn’t see him again until the evening meal. And Dr Bairstow had requested that, as far as possible, we didn’t both go on the same assignments, which made sense, so we were gently working things out as we went along and so far, marriage wasn’t anything like as bad as I thought it would be. Still, give it time.

I picked up the personnel files from Dr Bairstow’s PA, Mrs Partridge, took everything away, and went through it all very carefully. There were the usual discrepancies between the information provided by the trainees themselves and that uncovered by Major Guthrie's detailed background checks. The things people don’t mention are always more interesting than the things they do. Still, on paper at least, they all looked relatively normal. Even the non-American.

There were five of them. Alphabetically, we had Mr Atherton, Mr Hoyle, Miss Lingoss, Miss North, and Miss Sykes. All were single – in fact, come to think of it, I was the only married person I knew. And Leon, of course. Atherton, the oldest, had been briefly married. Very briefly. She’d left him and he’d kicked his banking job into touch and returned to his first love, History. He’d come to us via Thirsk.

The non-American, Laurence Hoyle, was only in his mid-twenties, but looked older. Every time I looked at his photo, he reminded me of someone and I just couldn’t think whom. He was thin-faced with a long nose, a wide mouth, and deep, dark eyes that gave nothing away. I searched his features for any signs of humour and found none. If asked to guess his profession, I would have said monk. Or fanatic. He had a fragile look about him. I suspected possible childhood illness. He was another one who’d come to us from Thirsk. In fact, he’d been specially recommended by our liaison officer, Kalinda Black. Despite that, he looked harmless enough.

Not so Miss Lingoss.

‘Wow!’ said Peterson, appearing alongside and staring at the photograph on the inside of the front cover. ‘She’s eye-catching.’

I nodded gloomily. He was right. Historians, like librarians, sometimes labour under an unfortunate image. Quiet, mousy, hairy skirts, thick stockings, glasses on a chain round their necks – and that’s just the blokes.

Miss Lingoss wore her thick black hair in a Mohican that added a good six inches to her height. She wore a short, tight leather top and an even shorter and tighter leather skirt. Her stockings were ripped; her heavy boots unlaced. Although, yes, maybe she was historian material after all because she certainly was wearing a heavy-duty chain around her neck. For what purpose I could only guess. Don’t ask me what she looked like. There probably was a face under all that make-up. She stood in her photo, hands on hips, challenging …

‘Does she have a first name?’ asked Peterson, peering over my shoulder.

‘Um …’ I flicked the file.

‘Doesn’t matter,’ he said, grinning. ‘They’re going to call her Connie,’ and disappeared, laughing his head off.

And if Miss Lingoss looked like trouble, next up was Miss North. Celia North came from a good family background, had had the best education money could buy, and contrary to the usual spoilt-brat behaviour, had more than exceeded everyone’s expectations. Perfect, was the word that described everything about her. Perfect grades, perfect appearance, perfect life. It would appear that Miss North had only to set her sights on something for it to fall into her lap. This would be interesting.

And finally came the one I suspected would be the biggest troublemaker of all. Elizabeth Sykes was the baby of the group. Short and dark, the face in her photo smiled up at me angelically. I knew that look. I should do. I held the patent.

I sighed. What had seemed a perfectly straightforward exercise on paper suddenly seemed a great deal more complicated now that I actually had trainees.

On the positive side, as usual, none of them had children or close family ties. I was particularly pleased about this because if my plan to get them out there as quickly as possible came crashing to the ground – and it well might – we could tie a brick around their necks, throw them into the lake, and move on to the next batch as quickly and quietly as possible. This was bound to appeal to Dr Bairstow – quick, efficient, and with minimum expenditure and fuss.

I estimated training time at around six months. Give or take a few weeks for the odd wound to heal. Just six short months. Get them trained up, hand the training section back to Peterson, and return to what I still thought of as my real job as head of the History Department.

I thought it would be safe. Dull, even. The perfect way to spend my period of medically imposed light duties. I would engage our trainees with a little gentle lecturing in the morning, and then they would go off and spend the rest of the day either with Leon, learning about pods; or with Markham, learning self-defence; or in the Library, studying something or other. I had a lot to learn about teaching, because the reality wasn’t like that at all.

There’s a surprise.

Chapter Two

The big day dawned. I stood in the window, watching as they trickled up the drive, and were security wanded and signed in by Mr Strong, our caretaker. I sent them to be kitted out in the trainee-grey jump suits, ushered them to Sick Bay where they were medically probed, handed their blood-donating schedule, and vaccinated against everything in the world because Dr Foster likes to get all the bad stuff over in one go.

I’d sent them for lunch, after which they’d endured the terrors of Dr Bairstow’s allegedly welcoming monologue, and now they stood in the Great Hall, bemused, expectant, and lightly traumatised. And waiting for me.

My plan was to give them a moment to absorb the ambience, and then usher them into the training room for my own carefully thought out ‘Welcome to St Mary’s’ speech. However, from that moment in the Great Hall to the day the survivors graduated, it would be fair to say that very little went according to plan.

We’re St Mary’s. We don’t scream. Although we do tend to be a cause of screaming in others. So when a yelping Bashford raced past, followed by a stampede of St Mary’s staff, all of them shrieking contradictory instructions, you could say my attention was caught.

‘My feet are melting! My feet are melting!’

I gestured to my trainees to remain where they were. The sooner they got used to this, the better. I had no clue what was going on. Given those involved, it could be anything from a reconstruction of some medieval torture device to a re-enactment of the famous scene from The Wizard of Oz.

As I said, we’re St Mary’s. To give us our full title, we’re the Institute of Historical Research based at St Mary’s Priory, just outside of Rushford. We’re part of the University of Thirsk. We research major historical events in contemporary time. Yes, time travel. As would soon be experienced by the innocents in my charge.

I cleared my throat to regain their attention.

A waste of time. Before I could continue, Dr Dowson erupted from the Library, trailing his own staff, all of them eager to become involved, and considerably adding to the confusion.

He planted himself firmly in front of a hopping Bashford, demanding, ‘What’s going on here? What’s the old fool up to now?’

He meant Professor Rapson. The Professor and Dr Dowson are old adversaries. Or old friends. Whichever it is, they delight in winding each other up.

‘My feet are on fire! Aaaagghh!’ yelled Mr Bashford, possibly feeling that not enough attention was being paid to his pain.

In one smoothly synchronised movement, Mr Clerk tackled him to the ground and Prentiss rolled him over and sat on his chest. I felt a glow of pride. It’s not often we historians manage to achieve that level of coordination. Roberts and Sands wrestled off his boots. Mrs Mack and her team emerged from the kitchen with ice packs.

Professor Rapson found his spectacles, took up the boots, and examined them closely, apparently quite oblivious to the curses of Bashford, now encased in ice to his knees and probably in imminent danger of frostbite.

Dr Dowson was, as he frequently is, beside himself. ‘What on earth is going on? May I remind you – again – Andrew, that this is an educational establishment and as such …’

He got no further. Bashford, feet encased in ice, interrupted him. ‘It might have been my own fault, sir. I think I may have overheated them.’

Professor Rapson frowned. ‘I told you, my boy, ten seconds for every stone of body weight.’

‘Stone? You said pound!’

‘Did I?’ he said vaguely, already drifting off back to Planet Rapson. ‘Dear me. What was I thinking?’

‘Well, they work, sir.’

‘What works?’ demanded Peterson, pushing his way through the by now quite large crowd, because St Mary’s will stop working at the drop of a hat.

‘For the expedition to the prehistoric age,’ said Miss Prentiss, comfortably ensconced on Bashford’s chest and obviously in no hurry to move. ‘Heated boots.’

‘Oh. Cool.’

The professor sighed. ‘Well, no actually, and that’s what appears to have been the problem. Sadly, it looks as if I shall have to go back to the drawing board and I have to say I was rather proud of these. Heat exchangers, you know.’

Peterson took a boot from him and subjected it to close scrutiny. ‘Like the human nose, Professor?’

‘Something similar, yes, although I based this design on the human testes. I’m sure you’re all familiar with the pampiniform plexus which cools and reheats the blood to ensure optimum delivery of seminal … well, never mind that now.’

Miss Prentiss got up in a hurry. ‘I’m not wearing anything whose design is based on Bashford’s testicles.’

‘You could do worse,’ said Bashford indignantly, from ground level.

‘Not according to what’s written in the ladies’ loo on the third floor. And there’s a diagram on the wall, as well.’

‘Really?’ said Bashford smugly. ‘The entire wall?’

‘Most of it seemed to be contained in an area approximately equivalent to that of a postage stamp.’

‘What?’ He struggled indignantly to his ice-wrapped feet.

Once, I would have had to deal with this. Now, however, as Chief Training Officer, I could sit back and let others take the strain.

My trainees stood nearby, mouths slightly agape. It was interesting to study their reactions. Hoyle, North, and Atherton looked slightly taken aback. Hoyle particularly so. If he had been expecting hallowed halls of learning, he was in for a bit of a shock. Lingoss had acquired a boot and was peering closely at the sole. Sykes was a picture of bright-eyed mischief. I made a mental note to keep an eye on her.

Detaching them from the inevitably vigorous discussion that was building nicely, I led them into the training room.

They say it takes a teacher a whole term to sum up her class. They also say it takes her class a whole minute to sum up their teacher. I wondered what they saw when they looked at me. A short, ginger historian in a blue jump suit, still leaning on a walking stick (Not so much because I needed it, but because I thought it gave me gravitas. And it was something to wield should my teaching skills prove unequal to the task in hand.) My name is Maxwell. I was Chief Ops Officer and then I had to have a partly new knee. I mean a partial knee replacement – so I’m on light duties for a while. Tim Peterson had the History Department now. Good luck to him.

Anyway, I ushered them into the training room and stood looking down at them. I remembered Dr Bairstow’s trick of standing silently for a while. They looked at me. I looked at them. There were a lot more of them than there was of me.

I let the silence gather.

‘Welcome to St Mary’s. My name is Maxwell. I am your primary trainer.’

I paused to let that blow sink in.

‘As you will remember from your interview with Dr Bairstow, we investigate major historical events in contemporary time. Don’t call it time travel. If Dr Bairstow overhears you referring to it as time travel, then I’m afraid I won’t be able to save you.

‘If you would consult your organisational charts, please, you will find a list of the different departments and their functions. St Mary’s is a large establishment, but most people are easily identifiable. As you can see, trainees wear grey. Historians wear blue. The Technical Section wears orange. Security wears green. IT wears black. The Admin department wears whatever it likes – and members of R&D wear protective clothing, wound dressings, and a dazed expression.

‘Moving on to your timetables now … you will see that your schedule is divided into three areas. The first part of your training should take around four to six weeks and will consist of self-defence, first aid, and outdoor survival, all supervised by the Security Section. Then you will. . .