I lay awake in my bed upstairs. I kept looking at the clock, wondering when blessed sleep would finally come.
The first time I glanced over at it, the digits read 2:09 a.m. That’s when I could hear Mom and Slate making love in their room below mine. I suppose it was a comforting thing, more than anything else. Mom needed to feel alive and Slate certainly made her feel that.
Grandma had taken one of her ‘nerve’ pills and was sleeping soundly in the other bedroom upstairs. She was all cried out for the moment. Mom was all cried out as well. She’d been comforted by Slate. Grandma had been comforted by all of us. I was lacking in comfort at the moment.
I glanced over at the clock again: 2:48 a.m.
Fuck this.
I got out of bed and quietly slipped into a pair of jeans and a sweater. I hadn’t even bothered to wash my make-up off earlier. That was something I did religiously, but not tonight. I’d simply collapsed into bed in my underwear once it was clear everyone was crashing.
I ran my fingers through my hair and slipped on a pair of side-zippered boots. I slipped quietly down the carpeted stairs, thankful that the set of Mom’s car keys Taz had tossed to me earlier were still in my purse. I grabbed my bag and headed out into the pre-dawn hours of Christmas morning.
I started my mother’s car and backed out of the driveway. I knew exactly where I was going and what type of comforting I needed.
As I pulled my mother’s Mercedes up in front of Taz’s place, the reality of what I was doing sunk in.
Suddenly, all the resolve along with the sprinkle of courage I’d mustered upon setting out on this twenty minute drive suddenly dissipated.
Holy crap.
What if he totally rejected me once again? Could I handle double rejection from the same guy? Worse yet, what if he wasn’t alone? Oh God, I hadn’t even considered that before I set out on this pathetic quest for comfort.
I reiterated in my mind that comfort was really all I wanted from Taz at the moment. Those strong, warm arms wrapped around me at the house before he left had been soothing, comforting and, for some odd reason, felt caring.
I gathered my courage once again, and walked up the steps to his front porch. His apartment was dark with the exception of a dim light from a lamp further back in the apartment. It was probably in his room. Was he up?
I rang the bell and heard it chime from within. I sucked in the cold, December air as I waited to see what reaction my middle of the night visit would evoke. From somewhere inside, a light switch was hit, illuminating his porch light.
God, I felt like I was standing under a spot light looking fairly pathetic at this point. I heard the lock on his front door click, and the door was pulled open.
“Lindsey? What the hell?”
He pushed open the storm door, holding it ajar so that I could step inside into the warmth of his apartment. I noticed he was wearing a pair of grey sweat pants with a drawstring and a tight, black tee. His PJ bottoms hung low on his hips, his T-shirt clinging to his muscular chest and firm belly.
“Are you okay?”
“No, Taz,” I whispered, coming to stand next to him in the entry hall, “I feel so sad right now and so alone. I’m sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. I don’t want to be alone. Will you hold me?”
I saw his face, his beautiful face soften as he understood. He shut the door behind me and took me once again into his strong arms.
“Of course I will, baby girl,” he murmured, pulling me tightly against him. “Come here.”
He helped me off with my jacket, wrapping his arm around me as he walked me into the living room. He switched on a lamp next to the sofa and pulled me down next to him on the sofa. His eyes were searching mine. He was searching for a clue as to why I was here. It was difficult for me to understand why I was. How could I possibly explain it?
“Can I get you something, a glass of wine maybe?”
I knew it would at least nudge me in the right direction. Maybe it would even give me the boost of courage I needed in order to tell him what I really wanted.
I nodded.
“Okay,” he said, patting my knee consolingly. “Sit tight.”
He returned moments later with a glass of white wine, offering it to me. I took the glass and downed the contents, setting the empty glass down on the coffee table.
I turned to look at him. I swallowed nervously my hands folded neatly in my lap. He was watching me expectantly.
“Taz, with the loss of my father, for all intents and purposes, and now with the loss of my grandfather, it occurred to me that I have lost every single man that cared about me, that loved me. I have no one.”
“That’s not true,” he interrupted. “You have your mother. You have Slate.”
“It’s not the same. My mother’s in need of comfort. Slate’s there for her. I had no one to comfort me when Daddy did what he did. Slate cares about me because he cares about my mother. It’s not the same thing. I feel so much loss.”
My voice cracked as tears started flowing again.
He immediately enfolded me into his strong arms, running his fingers through my hair. I pushed back from him. I needed to finish what I started.
“Please listen to what I’m saying because it’s extremely difficult to say this to you.”
He nodded, waiting for me to continue.
“My bedroom is directly upstairs from Mom and Slate’s. I hear them sometimes making love. Sometimes it’s loud and sexual. Other times, like tonight, it’s soft and consoling. It’s their connection sexually that accommodates what they need at the moment. It’s really beautiful. It’s their love for each other that sets the tone of their sexual play.”
“Lindsey look, I have—”
“Please hear me out. I get that they love each other. I realize that you and me—well, we’re barely friends, in all honesty. I’m telling you this because, right now, I need to feel that sexual closeness with someone. I want it to be with you.”
He moved away from me, raking his hands through his thick mass of hair. I could tell I’d freaked him out.
“Lindsey,” he said softly, “please let me explain myself to you, okay?”
I nodded, my eyes locked with his.
“A few weeks ago, when I—when we—well, when we started something that we didn’t finish, I had no clue that you were inexperienced. I would’ve felt like a total piece-of-shit if I’d taken advantage of you.”
“We both wanted it. You know that.”
“Maybe so, but I was totally under the impression that you likely had some high-school or college lovers in your past. I mean, please believe me, I didn’t intend for you and me to be a one-night-stand. I figured we could kick it for a while, no strings attached, and just enjoy it for what it was.”
“So, what makes you think differently now?”
“Experience,” he answered flatly. “Lindsey, I’m older than you. I’ve been around the block and I’ve learned things from my experience. One thing I’ve learned is that a woman’s first time often leads her to developing feelings of attachment that may not be reciprocated. I’m not into attachments and, in particular, I’m not about to do anything that would hurt you emotionally.”
“Oh, I get it,” I replied. “So, you think the moment you ‘do me’ I’m going to fall in love and want to set the date or something?”
“I’m just saying that you could develop an attachment that I’d not reciprocate. It’s not who I am. I’m devoted to one thing and one thing only and that’s my career.”
“Well, I guess you’re kind of fucking full of yourself then, aren’t you? Is it inconceivable that maybe the only thing I’m interested in is getting the experience I currently lack? I mean, come on, Taz, you’re certainly not my idea of a ‘happily ever after’ prospect for a variety of reasons.”
He cocked an eyebrow, studying me intently. I liked the fact that I’d subtly put him in his place. It was time for me to go in for the kill. I’d strategized this in my mind the whole way over.
“Look,” I said, “it’s quite simple. I could use some physical comforting tonight. I want to make love for the very first time. The fact that I have no experience is something that you already know. The fact that you can provide me with the experience I need going forward, is something that I already know.”
He sucked his breath in, rubbing his hand across his face.
“What the hell, Lindsey?”
“It’s simple, Taz. Teach me how to fuck. There are no strings attached. With everything that’s happened recently, I’m finding myself drawn to Kyzer. He just may be the one that I could engage with in my first-ever serious relationship. I’m not talking marriage at my age. I’m talking about being able to hold my own with a college man that I could, quite frankly, have a future with at some point. I don’t want to come across as some ‘bumbling’ virgin when the time comes.”
He stood up, walking away from me as if he was having difficulty in rationalizing what I’d just shared. He spun around, looking totally perplexed.
“Kyzer? Really?”
I nodded. “There’s just something about him, I guess.”
Taz came back to where I was sitting on the sofa. His eyes were gazing into mine intently. He held his hand down to me. I placed mine into it and he pulled me up from the couch.
We were now standing face-to-face. He looked down into my eyes. His expression was serious.
“I promised Slate I wouldn’t hurt you,” he said. “He suspected something happened between us, for some reason. I didn’t tell him a thing.”
“I’m not looking to get hurt, Taz. I’m just looking to get laid.”
We were mere inches apart. I could feel the heat of his body close to mine. His hands fisted in my hair as he pulled my face up close to his. His lips lowered to mine and he kissed me with something close to fury.
I held my ground, meeting his assault on my lips with every bit as much energy and greed of my own. My hands traveled down to the tight swell of his ass as I pulled him in against me, feeling his rock hardness.
He bit my lower lip and his hands were now planted firmly on my ass, roughly massaging it as he pulled me closer yet to him. My body molded against his. He quietly led me to his room, softly shoving me down onto his bed.
“Get your clothes off. I’ll be right back.”
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