Chapter One
“You always misunderstand me,” Kevin spat.
Amelia Wilson pressed both hands to her cheeks. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”
“You can’t just apologise and expect it all to be okay.”
“What do you want from me?” She sighed, feeling tired to her very bones. This fight was the same every time. He didn’t like something about her, she didn’t know what could be done to fix it, she fought back, he got angry, she apologised, and round and round they went.
Dappled light danced across the barn floor. In the distance, a horse neighed. Amelia raised a foot to rest on a hay bale while she tugged on her riding boots one at a time.
“I want you to care.”
“I do care.”
“I sometimes wonder if you have a heart. You’re so cold and calculating. Look at you — you haven’t even broken a sweat. I’m a mess, and you’re absolutely fine.”
She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. He hated when she did that. “I’m not sure what purpose it would serve for me to be all emotional.”
“It would show that you care!” he exploded.
She didn’t respond. These kinds of conversations always left her feeling the same way — empty, ashamed, alone. She wasn’t like other people and didn’t know what to do about it. They showed emotion, but she barely felt any most of the time. Anger was an emotion she was well acquainted with, but whatever this thing was that Kevin was experiencing, she just didn’t get it. Why get so worked up over an argument they seemed to have every other week?
Dust tickled the inside of her nostrils, and she pressed a hand over her nose to stifle a sneeze. The dry heat was oppressive, but it did a number on her nasal passages. Her nose was constantly red, and her eyes itched. Not to mention the ever-present sunburn across her cheeks. The scents of hay and horse manure combined with the sweat of bodies and the stink of livestock, reminding Amelia of freedom. There was nothing she loved more than riding horses and being out on the land, away from everyone and everything. There was power in a woman and her horse riding alone, without needing anything from anyone.
“You’re saying you want to move in together. Is that right?” She was doing her best to understand him, but sometimes he was so emotional and dramatic, she wondered if it was worth it.
He groaned. “I want to know where this relationship is headed. I’m not exactly the type who settles down, but we’ve been dating for five years and you still aren’t ready to go to the next level. Even I’m getting itchy. I don’t understand why you’re not. Aren’t you supposed to have a biological clock ticking or something like that?”
This time, her eye roll was perfectly justified, and anger fanned a flame inside her. “A biological clock? That’s your argument for why I should move in with you? Very romantic, Kev.”
“You know I’m not a sap. You also know how I feel about you.”
“Do I?” She wasn’t so sure about that. Sometimes she thought perhaps she was just arm candy for him to show off at the pub on the rare occasion when she joined him and his mates.
“You bloody well should. I’ve been here for five years. That’s enough for most girls.”
“I’m not most girls.” Her stomach clenched. She didn’t owe anyone anything. Why did he think he was entitled to take something from her? Especially since she wasn’t sure it was something she could give. Maybe she wasn’t capable of love. It would make sense, given her childhood. But Kevin had never understood that about her. He couldn’t understand. He’d been raised by two loving parents and had four brothers and sisters he saw every week.
“That’s the truth.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He reached for her hand and held it between his, his tone softening. “I mean that you’re one of a kind. You’re amazing and sexy, but you drive me crazy. I don’t know what you’re thinking—I can’t guess how you feel. You tell me nothing, give me no clues. And yet I let you keep tagging me along. I’m not sure this can go on for much longer, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m head over heels for you.”
She smiled. This was familiar territory. She hated it when he lost control of his emotions and took it out on her. But he was reverting back to his charming self, and she knew they could leave the argument alone for another week or two. But he was right about one thing. They couldn’t keep living this way. She was sick of the arguing. The way he pushed her constantly to move in, or get engaged, or have a baby — any of those steps would be fine with him. He’d made it perfectly clear. Just so long as they were moving forward in their relationship. But she didn’t want to do things out of order. Her own parents had done that, and look where it’d gotten them.
When she made the decision to live with a man and have a family with him, it would be because she loved him and wanted to spend her life with him — and only after they were married. The commitment was what she was looking for. Yet not with Kevin. Even though on paper, he was perfect for her, there was something missing. She had no idea what it was, but she couldn’t ignore the fact that she didn’t feel about him the way he did about her. Although it did make her question whether she was even capable of those emotions, given the fact that she’d never loved anyone. Well, maybe her last foster mother and a few of her foster sisters. But that was a different kind of love, and not one she relied on.
She’d never been able to bring herself to break up with Kev. If she did that, she’d officially have no one in her life who cared about her. He was the only person in the entire world who wanted to spend his free time with her, who called her at the end of a long day to talk, who offered her some kind of stability, affection and companionship, no matter how temporary it might be.
Breaking up with him would sever her connection to the world of love and community she’d always wanted. And she couldn’t do that. Maybe one day, but not yet.
She reached forward to kiss his lips. He pulled her closer and wrapped his arms around her to deepen the kiss. She didn’t resist.
“Why do you do this to me?” he asked.
She shrugged. “I can’t help who I am. You know this about me — I’m all messed up inside. I’d tell you more, but it’s really boring.”
“Maybe you should talk to someone.”
“I saw a therapist a few years ago and talked all about feelings, it was utterly painful. And the one thing I learned is that it’s going to take me time to overcome some of my issues. I don’t trust people and I find intimacy difficult. At least, that’s what the therapist said. I didn’t keep seeing her, though, because she was expensive and I aged out of the system, so Medicare wouldn’t cover any more sessions. But I got the general gist of things, I think.”
“That’s great, Milly, but I need an answer.”
“All I’m saying is give me some time.”
“I’ve given you five years of my life.”
“And I’ve given you the same.”
“That’s true,” he admitted. “Still, it doesn’t change anything. Why won’t you just accept that we’re meant to be together?” He groaned and took a step back, running his fingers through his hair.
She reached for a horseback-riding helmet resting beside her on a bale of hay, pushed it onto her head and buckled it beneath her chin. “We can talk about it later. I’ve got to get to work or I’ll lose my job. And then where would I be?”
“Maybe you’d finally have to rely on me,” he muttered.
The idea of that sent a shiver through her body. She couldn’t imagine allowing herself to be in a situation where she had to rely on anyone for her livelihood and safety ever again. She’d spent her entire childhood being ferried from one foster home to another, always at the whim of the adults who ran the system. She’d felt powerless for the first eighteen years of her life—she wasn’t about to allow that to happen again.
“I’ll see you tonight,” she called, resisting the urge to snap at him, as she spun on her heel and headed out of the barn and into the glaring sunlight. Irritation buzzed up her spine. Why should she rely on him? He’d spent the past five years pointing out her flaws, threatening to leave. He wasn’t someone she could rely on, yet he expected her to give up everything that made her who she was and mould herself to fit his view of how she should be.
“Bye,” he said quietly behind her.
She didn’t bother responding. Maybe it was time to move on. She didn’t usually stay so long in one place and was getting irritable. It was her home, for now. But she’d spent five years in one place, Longreach, in the middle of the Queensland Outback. And she’d never intended to stay at all.
The wildness of the place, the hardness of the people, the promise of work with horses and livestock—it’d been too much for her wandering heart to pass up. So, she’d stayed. And then she’d met Kevin, and it made sense to stay longer. But the coast was calling her name. She’d never been away from the beach this long before. And with the way things were going between her and Kevin, it could be the perfect time to pack up and head east.
The horse she was set to break in stood waiting in a small, round yard. She watched it briefly. It was a young green stallion who’d been captured during a roundup of brumbies several months earlier. She guessed he was about three years old. And she’d had reservations about breaking the horse, but Bob, her boss, was adamant.
“If you can’t do a simple break, Milly, what have we hired you for? Eh?” he’d said with an annoyed shake of his head, his half-moon glasses perched on a thin nose beneath a balding pate. “Get to it.”
He’d gone back to staring at the computer screen at his small desk, and she’d headed out to the barn to prepare, where Kevin was looking for her. The interaction with her boyfriend had distracted her momentarily, and her head felt muddled.
What was she doing again? Oh, yeah. Looking for the bridle.
She strode back into the barn and found the bridle she’d used for several days now to get the brumby ready for her first attempt at riding him. She didn’t want to rush things, but Bob had a schedule he wanted her to keep. There was already an interested buyer waiting, and if the horse was unbroken, that buyer would look elsewhere for their purchase.
She climbed over the fence and spoke quietly to the horse as she approached. His eyes were focused on her, and his ears flickered back and forth. A swish of the tail as she reached him, and his head jolted up suddenly. She soothed him with a stroke along his neck, and his head lowered again, eyes wide.
“Come on, good boy,” she crooned as she slipped the bridle into place over his ears and adjusted the bit in his mouth.
His head jerked back a couple more times, but each time, she drew him back into a calm demeanour with her soft voice and gentle hands.
“Let’s do this,” she said. “Good boy. It’s going to be fine. We’re all going to be fine.”
Nerves fluttered in her chest as she gathered the reins. He wasn’t ready for a saddle yet, but she preferred to start things off bareback anyway. She had only broken two other horses, and both of them had already been hand raised and were easy to handle. This horse would be on another level entirely, but Bob believed she could do it. And she’d never know if she was prepared for a brumby stallion until she tried.
She hated that her boss was in such a rush. This horse was still so young and flighty. Another six months would give him time to mature and for her to win him over. But it was all about the money for Bob and the property owner. They didn’t want to keep feeding brumbies if they could get them to the sale yard and make top dollar for them.
The station had been in drought for the past three years. There was barely a blade of grass on the ground, and feeding livestock was expensive. Red dust sifted through the railings of the fence that encircled her and the horse. The sun baked her shoulders beneath the checked long-sleeve shirt. Her long brown hair hung messy over one shoulder. It was the same colour as the bay horse beside her.
“Okay, boy, are you ready?” she asked.
The horse quivered beneath her fingers. Her stomach clenched, and her head felt light.
Carefully she slid onto the horse’s back. He stood still, ears twitching. She smiled. “Good boy…”
As the words left her mouth, the horse rose on his hind legs into a rear, then bucked. She held on to the reins and a handful of mane, her legs wrapped firmly around his sides.
“Whoa!” she called.
But the brumby wasn’t listening. He bucked again, over and over. Head down, he was doing everything he could to dislodge her, and she felt her grasp slipping.
Then she was sailing through the air. She readied herself to hit the ground, but it still knocked the wind out of her. She landed hard, on the top of her back, and heard a crack.
That’s not good.
As she lay on her back, looking up at the washed-out sky overhead, she marvelled at how calm she felt. Nothing hurt too badly—maybe she’d be okay. She tried to sit up, but she found she couldn’t move. Then the pain washed over her. It emanated from her neck, and it rushed up to her head, making her cry out.
“Milly!”
She heard Bob’s voice in the distance. Then he was beside her, looking down with concern, his grey eyes bloodshot and his mouth ajar as he puffed thin, wheezing breaths.
“You okay?” he asked.
She tried to shake her head but couldn’t. The pain was too great, and her body wasn’t cooperating.
“Can’t move,” she said.
His eyes narrowed. “Don’t try. Stay still. I’ll call the ambos.”
What followed was a blur of pain, panic, anger, denial and flashing lights. The ambulance took an hour to get to the remote station, and by that time, Bob had run through every conversation he could think of to keep her distracted and now sat quietly by her side holding her hand. She could feel his warm hands around hers, but she still couldn’t feel her feet. And she asked him a question he refused to answer over and over.
“What’s wrong with my legs? Why can’t I feel them?”
He’d pat her hand again and reply, “Don’t worry about that right now. They’ll be here as soon as they can. Then we’ll get some answers.”
She’d never seen Bob anxious before, and certainly never held his hand. But he was worried now—she saw it in his eyes. So she closed her own and tried her best to think of other things. The beach, the curling waves, jumping over the waves and catching them to shore. She thought of her time living with her last foster mother in Palm Beach and how it’d changed the direction of her life, having someone who finally seemed to care whether she ate, did her homework, or ditched to smoke behind the library. It bothered her to have rules, but at the same time, it gave her a sense of security she’d never had before, and now looking back, she could see how much Hannah had impacted her, even though she’d only taken her on at fifteen years of age.
Tears filled her eyes. What would Hannah say if Milly never got her legs working again? Milly had lost contact with her, hadn’t called her in months. Leaving her past behind was the easiest way to pretend it never existed, but she shouldn’t have let go of the one person who’d made that past bearable. She wouldn’t do it again. If she made it out of there, she’d call Hannah and reconnect. She hadn’t realised just how much she missed her, along with a few of the foster sisters who’d come and gone over the years and who’d been her lifeline during that lonely period of her life. She’d pushed them all away when she moved out of home and went on with her life. But now they were the people who sprang into her mind, who lingered in her thoughts, as she lay waiting for the ambulance to arrive.
The horse wandered by, reins dragging in the dust. Bob let go of her hand to walk him back out of the yard and release him into an adjoining field to graze on bales of scattered hay with the other horses.
Just then, the ambulance pulled into the yard. Milly heard the tyres crunching on the circular gravel drive. Bob spoke to them in a tone she recognised as concern, but she couldn’t make out the words they exchanged.
The paramedics were chipper and loud when they spoke to her. But before she could answer, her thoughts grew foggy around the edges, and then she slipped into darkness.
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