The Mourning Woods

Book 3: The Tome of Bill

by Rick Gualtieri

Genres: Humorous Fantasy; Urban Fantasy; Action & Adventure; Fantasy action & adventure; Occult & Supernatural; Vampires

Synopsis

THREE WORDS: VAMPIRES VERSUS SASQUATCH.

Bill Ryder – gamer, geek, and legendary vampire – is back in his wildest adventure yet.

A war is brewing between ancient enemies from the dawn of time. If it can’t be stopped, the veil will be lifted and all of humanity’s darkest nightmares will be unleashed to wreak havoc. Bill and his friends are the only chance we have – Lord help us all!

The leaders of the vampire nation dispatch Bill to a faraway land in order to broker peace with an army of angry Sasquatches, but it’s not going to be easy. His enemies want him dead. Hell, some of his allies do too. Danger lurks at every turn and in places where he least expects it.

Now he must rely on his friends, master his fledgling powers, and use every four-letter word in his vocabulary to stop the war, uncover the conspiracy, and solve the mystery that lies at the heart of the Mourning Woods.

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Experience a hilarious adventure like never before with The Mourning Woods – book three of the bestselling Tome of Bill horror comedy series.

If you love The Dresden Files, The Nate Temple Series, The Rebellion Chronicles, or The Montague & Strong Case Files, then the Tome of Bill series is sure to trample your funny bone like an angry bigfoot.

Don’t miss out! Click Buy Now to join Bill Ryder on this unforgettable quest into hysterical horror today.

Genres: Horror Comedy, Urban Fantasy, Action & Adventure

Age: 18+

Content Warning: adult language, violence, gore, sexual situations, sophomoric humor

Release date: January 12, 2014

Publisher: Freewill Press

Print pages: 416

Sample

 

Tis better To Have Loved and Lost

“What do you mean she quit?!” The question came out ... well okay, it came out far less harshly than I had intended. I had really meant to scream a massive string of obscenities into the phone. Sadly, even I had to admit that yelling, “What the fuck are you talking about you balding little middle management douche of a shit?!” probably wouldn’t have been particularly diplomatic, especially considering that I was speaking to my boss.

“I know it’s abrupt,” replied Jim, my manager at HopskotchGames, “and believe me, I’m as upset as any of you, but we’ll just have to handle our own paperwork for a while. Don’t worry, I’ll start interviewing for a replacement next week.”

My roommate and coworker, Ed, hit the mute button. We were seated in his bedroom/office for the weekly conference call. He knew me well enough to know when a tirade was incoming, one that it was probably best to spare Jim from – particularly if we wanted to avoid the unemployment line.

Jim’s voice continued to drone, moving on to whatever topic of “importance” was next on the agenda. I didn’t hear a single word he said. For all I knew, he could have been telling us that he had just won the lottery and was currently getting a blowjob from a thousand-dollar hooker.

“Calm down,” Ed said preemptively.

“Paperwork?” I spat, ignoring him. “He thinks I’m worried about paperwork? The only woman I’ve ever loved has just walked out of my life, and he’s concerned that he has to print his own fucking spreadsheets.”

“Being just a tad melodramatic, aren’t we?”

“No. I mean, I know we’ve only been dating for a few months, but...”

“Dating?” he interrupted. “You’ve gone out for coffee maybe three...”

“Four!”

“Fine, four times. And didn’t you say it was Dutch each time?”

I glowered at my friend, letting my fangs extend menacingly. He stared right back, nonplussed. I’m a vampire – an immortal terror of the night – and I couldn’t even get the humans I shared an apartment with to tremble in fear. My God, life was just not fair.

“Are you done pouting?” Ed asked.

“This is not pouting. It’s supposed to be threatening.”

“You might want to practice that in the mirror some more.” He stood up and stretched. “Anyway, as I was saying, you’re overreacting just a bit.”

“Like you would know?”

“As a matter of fact, I do. Growing up, my older sister used to force me to watch Disney movies with her. Trust me. Four non-dates do not a fairytale romance make.”

“There was more to it than that and you know it. Sheila and I...”

“Had nonstop, mind-blowing sex?”

“Well, no...”

“Played multiple games of tongue-hockey?”

“Not exactly.”

“Spent every waking moment together?”

“Okay, I get the point!”

“Christ, did you ever even hold her fucking hand?”

“Well, once I brushed up against...”

“Exactly,” he stated. “You pined for her for years and that’s it. I had a more intimate relationship with my grandmother.”

“Thanks for the visual, dude.”

“Do you guys have any questions?” the voice from the speakerphone asked.

“Huh?” Ed and I both replied in unison. Oh, yeah, we had forgotten all about Jim. Hopefully, he hadn’t been saying anything important.

Ed quickly un-muted the phone and said, “Nope. I think we’re good.”

“Awesome,” Jim replied. “Then I’ll let you guys get back to work. Keep me updated on your projects.”

“We will,” I answered, having no idea what he was talking about. A moment later, he cut the call off from his end. Oh well, I could always tease the info out of him later with a carefully worded email. Besides, Jim was so far from the top of my priority list right then that he barely even existed.

“Goddammit!” I cried and brought my fist down. The cheap folding table that served as our “conference room” immediately buckled, sending the phone clattering to the floor. Crap. Sometimes I forgot our furnishings weren’t built to withstand vampire-level abuse.

“I can see that you’re having a moment, Bill,” Ed replied nonchalantly, stepping over the debris. “Coffee?”

“Sure. Blood and cream, if you don’t mind.”

“No prob. Regular or Baileys?”

“The latter. It’s gonna be one of those days.”

He nodded and walked from the room, leaving me alone with my rapidly darkening thoughts.

I swear, when life decides to kick you in the balls, it sometimes wears metal cleats. It seemed like that had been my existence for the past year, one big haymaker to the nuts after another. Oddly enough, that timeframe coincided just about perfectly with when I was turned into a vampire.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to get all weepy and angst filled. I’ll leave that shit to Anne Rice. No, the reality of being a vampire isn't about sitting around for millennia, writing shitty poetry while you pine for your lost mortal existence. It’s actually far more like being stuck in high school again, except this time it's for all eternity. This is fine if you happen to be one of the jocks. It’s not nearly as much fun if you’re in the vamp equivalent of the nerd herd. The main problem was that, instead of growing up, the undead assholes running the show never matured past that stage and just ended up becoming bigger assholes as the centuries flew by.

They’re not the only ones, either. In the past year, I had learned that there's an entire supernatural underworld that exists just outside of plain sight. Magic, monsters, and whatnot were all real ... and almost all of them were dicks, too. I know people say that absolute power corrupts, but they don’t know the half of it.

It wasn’t all bad, though. I had good friends and powerful allies. I’m the leader of my own coven of vampires. Heck, I’m even told that amongst the undead I’m special – and not in a short bus kind of way either. Still, it’s been a rough road. Most days, the plusses have been just barely enough to keep me from opening up the curtains and embracing the sunshine.

That’s where she came in.

Sheila is ... err, was ... an administrative assistant at my job. I first met her about four years prior, on the very day I first interviewed there. How I actually managed to get hired, I have no idea. I spotted her when I entered the office and, it was as if everything else blanked out for me. To this day, I’m surprised that my paychecks are actually made out to William Ryder, as I’m fairly sure whatever I wrote on the job application was an incomprehensible scribble.

Unfortunately, whatever powers dictated the concept of “love at first sight” were likewise also assholes – big surprise, huh? It hadn’t been mutual. Therefore, I spent the next few years of my mortal life barely being able to say “hi” to her. All the while, she hardly acknowledged my existence.

Amazingly enough, my rebirth as one of the undead was actually the catalyst that helped propel our “relationship” out of the rut it was in – and probably would have stayed. No, I didn’t tell her that I’m a vampire. No bullshit Twilight love story for me. Generally speaking, announcing the existence of vampires to humans was considered a no-no, at least, if one didn’t want to find themselves on the business end of a wooden stake. Sure, my roomies, Tom and Ed, knew about it. A few of my other friends did, too. I mean, hey, even Bruce Wayne had a few people who knew that he’s Batman.

Anyway, through a series of events that ended with me getting my ass thoroughly kicked – by vampire assassins and a douchebag wizard/marketing VP – I momentarily forgot about my many insecurities and wound up asking Sheila out for coffee. Sure, it wasn’t much, but it was practically earth-shattering progress compared to what I had managed before. Imagine my surprise when she actually said “yes.” It was amazing. At my darkest hour, she was there like a beacon of hope.

But now, she was gone, and I couldn’t help but feel that it was my fault.

♦ ♦ ♦

Our fourth, and apparently last, non-date had been just a few weeks prior. On a Friday night, we had met at a café in the Village section of New York City. Normally this would’ve been a little out of the way for me. For starters, I lived in Brooklyn. Since I’m a vampire, things like working in an office during the day tended to be difficult. It’s generally pretty hard to get any work done when a stray beam of sunlight could turn you into a smoldering pile of ash. Fortunately, thanks to my doctor friend, Dave, I was able to work from home. He wrote a bullshit medical excuse that allowed me to permanently telecommute. That being said, my coven was headquartered in SoHo and I’d usually end up there on the weekends anyway...

Oh, who am I kidding? Fuck the coven! I would’ve walked barefoot across the Sahara to spend five minutes with Sheila. If she had told me to meet her at the top of the Empire State Building at sunrise, I’d have been there in a heartbeat –metaphorically speaking, anyway.

I had let her lead the conversation, as I usually did. Even though I’d gotten past that first hurdle of actually asking her out, I didn’t trust myself to say too many sentences in a row without stammering like a retard. Still, as our coffee encounters continued, I was pleased to find myself becoming more comfortable in her presence.

That night, the conversation had turned, as they often did with twenty-something-year-olds, to our hopes and dreams for the future. I sputtered something to the effect of enjoying what I did and hoping that the world didn’t stop needing programmers anytime soon. It was a lie, but it was better than going off on some rant about being surrounded for all eternity by a bunch of immortals that looked and acted like spoiled underwear models.

After I had finished, she stared at me for a few seconds. Sheila had the most stunning eyes, a soft grey color. I don’t think I could ever get tired of looking into them. After a brief pause, she replied, “I’m glad you’re happy. I don’t think there’re too many things better than earning a living off of something you enjoy.” Oh, I could think of a few. “For me, though...”

“What?”

“Well, I think it’s pretty obvious I’m not exactly in my dream job.”

“Has Jim been cracking the whip?”

“No,” she replied dismissively. “Don’t get me wrong, I like working for him. I just want ... I don’t know ... something more.”

“That’s no surprise. Besides, what you do is just a stepping stone to something bigger.”

“Maybe... I just don’t know if I have what it takes for whatever that something might be.”

I laughed. She narrowed her eyes at me in response, causing me to almost choke on my latte. I quickly added, “Sorry, I’m not laughing at you. It’s just funny.”

“What is?”

“You do all this stuff for Jim, me, and the rest of the team. You put together the presentations, you handle all the HR crap, and you update all of our project schedules ... hell, that’s not even half of it. You keep the department running. Without you, we’d all fall flat on our faces.”

“I doubt that.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked incredulously. “Remember when you took those sick days last year?”

“It was a bad flu season.”

“If you think you had it bad, you should have seen us. Jim was practically a basket case without you. Ed and I weren’t much better off, either. Nothing got done that week. I mean it. Nothing! So no offense, but to hear you question yourself is a little silly.”

“Really?”

“Really,” I echoed, meaning every word of it. She threw a smile back at me that made me want to run through the hills singing the theme from The Sound of Music. I gave my head a quick shake so I wouldn’t get lost in the moment. Nothing more jarring than to be talking about work when suddenly the bozo across from you started screaming, “GOD, I LOVE YOU!”

Instead, I somehow managed to continue with the conversation at hand. “I’ve seen you work. You get things done where the rest of us wouldn’t have a clue. They couldn’t replace you if they tried.”

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

“Thank you, Bill.”

“No thanks necessary. It’s the truth and, deep down, I think you know it.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment. In retrospect, I wouldn’t have been surprised if Future Bill had picked that exact moment to appear from out of a time machine and beat the ever-living shit out of me. If I had any part in her decision to move on, it’s there that those seeds were sown.

Finally, she answered, “Maybe you’re right. I guess I just needed to hear it from somebody else. I have all these ideas, all these things I want to do, but sometimes it’s hard to believe in myself. When I lie awake at night, I have all these doubts about whether I really can do better.”

“My mother always says sometimes we’re afraid to believe in ourselves until somebody else does it first.” Well, okay, I don’t recall my mom ever saying that. At the time, though, I was trying to sound supportive. Sue me for making up shit on the spot. “Just for the record, I believe in you. I believe you can do better.”

“Seriously?” she gave me a dubious eye just in case I was joking.

But I wasn’t. Sure, I might’ve been a little biased. Emotions can do that to a person. Hell, if she ever said, “Bill, your roommates annoy me. Can you please kill them?” I would probably gleefully walk home and go on a bloodthirsty massacre.

Still, there was (love struck) sincerity in my voice when I answered, “You know what I see when I look at you?” Besides the most gorgeous creature to ever walk the face of this planet? “I see someone with the talent to do anything she puts her mind to. I have no doubt that you could move mountains if you decided to.”

Again, she looked thoughtful. Her eyes got a faraway look for a few moments. Oh, if only she would wear that expression when she thought about me. For that, I’d gladly suffer an eternity of the minions of darkness using my nuts as croquet balls. Hell, I’d even tolerate Sally, my vampire partner in crime, being the one to swing the mallet. Fortunately, Sheila spoke again before that particular imagery could further solidify.

Her eyes regained their focus, and maybe it was just me, but I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of determination in them that wasn’t there before. She nodded her head once and said, “Maybe your mom’s right. Either way, you’ve given me a lot to think about.”

The rest of our little pseudo-date was spent talking about considerably less heavy topics, or at least I think it was. My brain had given its all just to get those thoughts out. I had no idea what I said or did, other than making puppy dog eyes at her until we went our separate ways. Sadly, I didn’t have a clue as to how separate they were about to become.

It figured. I’d survived multiple brushes with death in the past several months, most of them at the hands of creatures far more lethal than I. Wouldn’t it figure that at the end of the day I would be my own worst enemy?

God, I am such an asshole.