Everyday Horrors

Book 2: Bill of the Dead

by Rick Gualtieri

Genres: Fantasy action & adventure; Contemporary Fantasy; Humorous Fantasy; Urban Fantasy; Action & Adventure; Vampires

Synopsis

ONE GEEK AGAINST THE RISING DARKNESS.

Bill Ryder is having a hell of a week. Magic is back, one of his friends has been entombed in solid rock, and he once again has no pulse to speak of.

Too bad it's about to get worse. Something is hunting vampires in New York City. A smarmy wizard has been called in to investigate, one with skeletons in his closet and eyes for Bill's girlfriend. All the while, Neolithic horrors not seen since the dawn of time are reappearing, wreaking havoc wherever they step.

Bill will need to rally his friends, both new and old, if he's to have any chance of turning the creeping tide of chaos threatening to drown his city. But it won't be easy. The balance of power in the supernatural hierarchy has been upended, and all the attitude in the world might not be enough to fix it.

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Bill Ryder is back in Everyday Horrors – Bill of the Dead 2 – by Rick Gualtieri, the creepy uncle of vampire comedy.

If you enjoy the snark of Shayne Silvers, Steve McHugh, Michael Anderle, or Jim Butcher, then you're in for one hell of a bloody fun ride in this humorous fantasy series.

Release date: January 9, 2020

Publisher: Freewill Press

Print pages: 420

Sample

 

BRAND NEW DAY, SAME SHIT

On the scale of shit that sucked, few things were less gratifying than having one’s own face slammed forcibly into a brick wall.

Crunch!

Oh wait, I almost forgot about a swift kick to the balls. Yep, that definitely topped a broken nose. Ugh, my aching nuts!

I slumped to the ground, knowing I couldn’t afford to stay down, despite wanting to do nothing more than curl up in a fetal ball and cry for my mother. Problem was, I had a feeling the pair of human shit stains laying into me weren’t finished, not by a long shot. I was simply one more stop on their merry murder spree, as they sought to paint the streets of New York red with the blood of their victims.

Someone needed to stop them, and that someone had to be me.

Okay, perhaps that’s being a bit melodramatic. The two fuckheads in question, one old the other young, were both freshly minted vampires – no more than a few weeks turned. That made them dangerous, sure, but it wasn’t like Godzilla and Ghidorah had washed ashore to level downtown Manhattan.

Besides, it’s not like I was chopped liver, even if my scrotum currently felt like it.

“That’s enough fun,” the older of the two said, a near-geriatric vamp with faded tattoos up and down his wrinkled yet still meaty arms. “Let’s drain this shitbox and get out of here.”

Powerful hands dragged me to my feet and spun me around – adding momentum to what I’d already been preparing to do.

In human terms, this would’ve been no contest. The one who’d grabbed me – a shaven ape with a massive beer gut and swastikas inked on both arms – was the sort of goon who’d probably be turned away at a Hell’s Angels gathering for being too scary looking.

Under normal circumstances, someone like me – all of five ten, wearing glasses, and a bit soft around the middle – would have to be crazy to tangle with this dickhead, unless they were a secret ninja or some shit like that.

I wasn’t.

However, being a secret vampire was almost as good.

“Drain this, fucker,” I snapped, clonking the younger of the two in the face with a backhand.

Fat Hitler went flying a good ten feet to land flat on his prodigious ass in a dirty mud puddle.

The older one, a guy who looked like he probably considered solitary at Rikers Island to be a relaxing weekend, bared his fangs at me.

“What the fuck?” he snarled, sounding about as surprised as I’d hoped he’d be.

“Sorry, did I forget to introduce myself?” I replied. “I’m the Freewill.”

“Freewill? You some kind of hippie queer?”

Oh yeah, I needed to remember the vast majority of vamps these days, nearly all of whom were no more than a few weeks old, had no idea what a Freewill was.

Not helping was that I’d skipped my well-rehearsed opening speech the second I laid eyes on these assholes. Most vamps I’d managed to track down so far had been given a choice. The ones who weren’t completely drunk on their own power were offered a chance to join the new coven I was forming, the primary rule of which was simple – don’t slaughter people like fucking cattle.

These guys, though, got shunted to the other option within about a second of seeing them – the one reserved for feral, blood-crazy vamps, or assholes who were obviously irredeemable pricks.

In this case, the decision was an easy one.

I’d caught scent of them in the middle of my patrol and then tracked them to one of New York City’s innumerable construction sites, where they’d been in the process of finishing off a security guard. It was too late for him, sadly. They’d not only drained the poor sap but had taken the time to stomp his skull into paste. On the upside, at least there was little chance of him rising again after that. One less vamp for me to worry about.

The dickheaded duo kept on pummeling the already quite dead guy, cackling like it was the funniest thing in the world, until the younger of the two suggested they find a woman next.

It didn’t take much eavesdropping with my supercharged ears to realize they were enjoying the fuck out of the depraved shit they’d already done and still planned to do. Needless to say, there wasn’t a lot of soul searching necessary before deciding on my course of action.

Which was probably stupid as fuck on my part.

Five years ago, this would’ve been a piece of cake, especially after I’d finally mastered the beast inside of me – a hell spawn of an evil spirit I called Dr. Death. I’d have splattered these fuckers across the sidewalk like so much paint. Now, though, we were in the same boat. My powers had only recently returned – thanks to the cataclysmically stupid actions of my idiot friend Dave, who somehow thought it was a good idea to hawk hand cream infected with vampire DNA. Combined with a little psycho named Gan, who’d managed to unleash magic on the world again, and you had the perfect recipe to turn my life into a shit soufflé.

Anyway, I was strong, fast, and tough, but no more than either of these baboons, and they had the advantage of looking like they knew how to handle themselves in a brawl.

Case in point, Gramps stepped in and took a swing at me, his arm moving like lightning. Fortunately, my reflexes were up to the task and I was able to block him, if just barely. Vampire he might’ve been but, judging by the look of surprise on his face, I felt safe in assuming that he was used to guys like me folding faster than a piece of origami.

That was the one beauty of being undead. In the normal world, size mattered. The big could bully the small. But vamp powers were the great equalizer. They could turn a peewee into a powerhouse, size be damned.

That was good for me. Not only did it save my face from being caved in, but it left me an opening to even the odds in this fight – and maybe even a bit more.

See, I wasn’t just making up some bullshit superhero name when I’d called myself the Freewill. It’s what I am, a rare breed of vampire – with abilities above and beyond the normal undead rabble. And one of those abilities harkened back to what Gramps here had threatened to do when he thought me still human.

Had they followed through and tried to drain me, it would’ve ended pretty badly, not just for me but for them, too. Vamp blood was toxic to most other vampires – the result kinda like eating potato salad that had been sitting in the sun for three weeks. However, most was the operative word there. Not only could I drink that shit down like a cold margarita in Tijuana, but doing so would temporarily grant me the strength of the other vampire as well. With younger vamps like these that didn’t mean much, but it would almost certainly be enough to turn the tide in my favor.

Of course, that assumed I could actually sink my teeth into one of them first.

Fangs bared, I stepped in before the old bastard could shove me away, only to be steamrolled from my flank by his buddy.

“No one touches Duke!”

Good to know he cared for the old guy. Mind you, that didn’t help me much as I was sent tumbling end over end until finally skidding to a halt against a dumpster, sending a small shower of crud falling onto my face.

By the time I rubbed the gunk out of my eyes, both meatheads were headed toward me again, looking none too pleased. It was nice to see the intervening years at least hadn’t robbed me of my ability to piss off other vamps. Speaking of abilities, though...

Yo, Dr. Death. Not to be a worrywart, but if you wanted to maybe come out and play, I have some fresh assholes for you to kill.

There came nary a peep from my subconscious or the beast residing within it. True, we weren’t quite at life or death yet, but there’d been nothing but radio silence from my inner demon ever since he’d taken up residence again upon my revamping. It was starting to make me nervous – him somewhere in my mind, likely plotting some insidious scheme that would leave him in charge and me little more than a drooling vegetable locked away in a tiny corner of my own brain.

“Think you’re tough, you little shitbag?” Fat Hitler said, hocking a generous loogie onto my chest. Ewww. “I used to eat little pricks like you for breakfast, and that was before. Now, we are so much more.”

I debated my best course of action, knowing they’d be upon me before I could even hope to get back up. “You used to eat little pricks? What’s the matter? Couldn’t handle the big ones?”

Veins stood out on the fat fuck’s forehead as his face contorted with rage. Oh yeah. That’s the thing about tough guys. They loved to dish it out but had absolutely no ability to take it. Even less so if you dared insult their fragile masculinity.

Forget the meek. That’s why the geeks shall inherit the Earth. We spend all day talking shit to one another, like how hard we banged each other’s moms. It builds up a tolerance for bullshit.

Of course, pissing off two death row inmate wannabes was one thing. Capitalizing on it was quite another.

Before junior could pop a blood vessel, though, the one called Duke actually laughed, but not in a “this guy is hilarious” sort of way. “Don’t let him get under your skin, boy. Little asshole knows he’s fucked. Just trying to talk big before we shitstomp him. Ain’t that right, pipsqueak?”

I shrugged. “Doesn’t hurt to try.”

“You got balls, kid. I’ll give you that much,” he replied. “Why not join us instead? I don’t know what you’re trying to prove by attacking us out here, but these streets can be ours for the taking.”

“Yeah, I know. I heard what you two were planning.”

“That? Who cares about a couple of bitches? None of that shit matters anymore. We take what we want, bite who we want, and fuck who we want. There’s a new order coming, one that’s rising like an angry tempest.” He gestured to the black armband around his elbow, similar to the one adorning his large buddy. Interesting. “And there ain’t nobody who can stop us.”

I was just about to say he was wrong, that he’d met Mr. Nobody himself. However, before I could so much as tell him to eat a bag of heroin-laced dicks, someone else spoke up, catching us all by surprise.

“You know, I really can’t stand men like you,” a female voice said from somewhere in the shadows behind them, “but maybe you’re right. There is a new order. Too bad neither of you are going to be a part of it.”

♦ ♦ ♦

Both goons spun toward where the voice had come from, blocking my view, but that was fine. I was far more interested in capitalizing on the distraction anyway.

As Fat Hitler stepped away to confront whoever had crashed our private party, I scrambled to my feet, almost slipping on the garbage slicked pavement. Regardless, up was up. That’s what mattered. But what mattered more was the fact that Duke had left his ample flank unguarded.

Leaping onto his back, I forced his head to the side and buried my fangs in his jugular. Hot blood gushed down my throat, hitting my stomach like a pipe bomb.

Heat bloomed against my insides and his strength instantly became mine. Fortunately, that was all that transferred to me, which was good because I had no interest in being a fucking skinhead slime ball. Taking one out, on the other hand, would likely be doing the world a service.

I snapped Duke’s right arm at the elbow, my strength now roughly double his, then reached into the inner pocket of my jacket and pulled out a stake. Well, okay, it was more a sawed-off broom handle, but whatever. It was the thought that counted, and right then mine was focused on ramming it through this motherfucker’s back with everything I had in me.

Oddly enough, he didn’t take it with grace and dignity – screaming like a little girl who’d gotten her pigtails pulled during recess. There was a sort of karmic justice in that.

A second or two later there came a flash of light from the wound I’d made, and then Duke ignited from the inside out, turning to dust before my eyes and coating the alleyway with yet another layer of garbage.

The bloody broom handle clattered to the ground, but I was already turning my attention toward the end of the alleyway where Duke’s buddy was ... also in the process of disintegrating?

He blew apart into ash, revealing a smaller figure standing behind him in the gloom. Whoever she was, she’d apparently impaled him with the business end of a crowbar. Ouch.

That wasn’t exactly an act that could be carried out easily by just anyone, especially since the vamp in question had been carrying enough extra mass around the middle to cushion a car crash.

I took a tentative step forward, remaining on guard. Anyone who could do that to a three-hundred plus pound biker vamp was nobody to mess with. My nose worked overtime as I tried to focus on her, but it was for naught. All I could smell was trash and vamp dust. And believe me, I had little interest in getting a noseful of either.

It was hard to get a handle on my somewhat timely savior, standing in a defensive crouch as she was. But if I had to guess I’d say she was about five foot seven, almost my height, but much more leanly built. She was wearing jeans and sneakers with her upper half clad in an oversized hoodie.

The hood itself left her face in shadow, but that shouldn’t have mattered dick-all to me. The upside of vampire senses was that – while it didn’t do shit for my fucking nearsightedness – it allowed me to see in perfect darkness. Nevertheless, the top portion of her face remained obscured, telling me she was likely wearing a mask or some other sort of covering.

Definitely interesting. It kinda reminded me of that time I’d taken Tom’s stupid advice to play vampire vigilante. Not one of my finer moments, although I had no way of knowing whether this woman was doing the same or simply had an overdeveloped BDSM fetish.

Rather than ratchet up the already thick tension, I decided to relax my gait. This person was likely trying to figure out whether I was friend or foe, but I’d sure as shit make that an easy decision if I came across as a swaggering asshole. “Thanks. I appreciate the assist.”

She grinned beneath the hood, giving me a momentary glimpse of fangs. At least that explained how she’d been able to impale one of the bad guys.

“Didn’t do it to save you,” she replied, “but you’re welcome anyway. That is, unless you’re looking to cause the kind of trouble they were.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, I was fighting those fuckers, too.”

“Why?”

“Same reason you were, I’m assuming. Because they were out here to put the hurt on people who don’t deserve it.”

“And you’re not?” Her tone was defiant, but she relaxed her stance a bit, giving me a slightly better view of her face. From the nose down I got a hint of light brown skin. Above that, nothing but a black void. Definitely some kind of mask.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Yeah, this back and forth shit talk was about as productive as you might think. So, before we devolved to flipping each other the bird, I changed tactics. “Listen, I know what you are.”

“You do, do you?”

“Yeah. You’re a vampire. I know because I’m one, too.”

“You realize how that sounds, right?”

I shrugged. “And yet here we are. But I also know that we don’t have to be like the movies tell us. I mean the good ones, not the boring ass mopey films where they sit around pining for Brad Pitt. Anyway, what I mean is we have a choice. We don’t have to be heartless killers.”

“Says the guy who just stabbed a...”

“Murderous assholes don’t count, okay?”

“And who gets to decide whether someone deserves it or not?”

Goddamn, this was rapidly getting annoying. I wasn’t about to stand there and take a Batman morality lesson from some chick who’d just ganked one of the vamps I’d been after.

I started toward her, slowly and with my hands out in the open. “Maybe we got off on the wrong foot here. Can we try this again? My name’s Bill.”

“I thought you told these cabróns it was Freewill.”

“That’s more what I am. It’s ... a vampire thing. Kind of a long story, but I’d be happy to tell you more if you want.” I took a look around, noting the still very dead security guard. “But maybe somewhere else, if that’s okay.”

A grin passed over her lips. “Is this your way of asking me out?”

“Not quite. What I’m offering you is a chance to join my coven.”

“Aren’t covens...?”

“No. We had the idea first. Witches stole it. Trust me on that one. The point is, I’m out here looking for people who’ve been vampirized.”

“Is that even a word?”

“Do I look like a fucking lit professor? Who cares? You know what I mean.”

“Fine. But why make me this offer and not them?” she asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Because they were assholes.”

“I’ll give you that one,” she replied, inclining her head. “Okay, I’ll tell you what. Fucking up that puto’s shit put me in a good mood. I’ll humor you. What’s the deal with this coven thing that ain’t got nothing to do with witches?”

“Protection, for everyone. Left to their own devices, most vamps aren’t going to have the willpower to rein themselves in. Others simply won’t give a shit. This way, we can maybe keep each other from turning into murderous monsters.”

“And how’s that going to work? Last I checked, we still gotta eat.”

“True, but it can be controlled, made less chaotic. Working together, we can make sure we stay fed without turning entire neighborhoods into all you can eat buffets.”

As I approached, I saw I was right. Black fabric covered the top of her face from the bridge of her nose up. No eyeholes, but that didn’t mean anything. I’d once gotten one of those grim reaper costumes for Halloween, the kind with the see-through cheesecloth. This was probably something similar.

“Not disagreeing.” She put a hand on her hip, not exactly relaxed, but looking less likely to ninja strike me. “But you said protection for everyone. So far this sounds like a one-sided deal.”

“It’s not. We’ll have each other’s backs, but also keep each other in check – which we’ll need to do if we want to survive. Because how long do you think it’ll be before someone somewhere has enough of the bloodshed and decides to pull their head out of their ass and hunt us down? The system is designed for both sides, human and vamp.”

Gah! I sounded like a recruitment poster for the assholes who’d previously run things. Hell, maybe that was closer to the truth than I cared to admit. Who was to say the originators of the old coven system, started God-knows how many thousands of years ago, didn’t originally have good intentions?

Holy shit! Was I setting things up now only so some future asshole could label himself Alexander the Great 2.0 and cause history to repeat itself?

I pushed that thought away. That was a worry for another epoch. With any luck, by then I could simply point a photon torpedo their way and be done with it. But, for now, all I was doing was letting myself get distracted.

“So what do you think, Miss...” I let the statement hang as I held out my hand to her.

She tentatively reached out and took hold of it. “Save the miss crap. You can call me Char.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Char? What kind of name is...?”

Before I could finish that statement, her hand clamped down on mine like a vise. What the? She twisted and – despite me being boosted on vamp blood – flung me effortlessly over her shoulder into a pile of trash.

“It’s a nice offer, Bill Freewill, but I’m more of a solo act.”

The throw was a solid one, no doubt there, but for someone with vampire endurance it was far more bruising to my ego than anything. I scrambled back to my feet in the space of seconds. “My name’s not Bill Freewill, it’s...”

The words died in my throat at the sight of the empty alley before me. Son of a... How fucking stupid could I be to let my guard down like that?

No matter. The blood rush I’d gotten from Duke was still in effect. I could easily catch her scent and track her down again.

In theory anyway.

I lifted my nose and took a sniff. Then I held my breath and listened for the sound of retreating footsteps – coming up empty in both cases.

It was as if she’d simply vanished into thin air, leaving me standing there all alone like the idiot that I was.