Uncanny Collateral

Book 1: Valkyrie Collections

by Brian McClellan

Genres: Urban Fantasy; Literary Fiction

Synopsis

Alek Fitz is a reaper, a collection agent who works for the supernatural elements of the world, tracking down debtors and solving problems for clients as diverse as the Lords of Hell, vampires, Haitian loa, and goblins. He’s even worked for the Tooth Fairy on occasion. Based out of Cleveland, Ohio, Alek is the best in the game. As a literal slave to his job, he doesn’t have a choice.

When Death comes looking for someone to track down a thief, Alek is flung into a mess of vengeful undead, supernatural bureaucracy, and a fledgling imp war. As the consequences of failure become dire, he has few leads, and the clock is ticking. Only with the help of his friend Maggie—an ancient djinn with a complex past—can he hope to recover the stolen property, save the world, and just maybe wring a favor out of the Great Constant himself.

It’s a hell of a job, but somebody’s got to do it . . .

Release date: April 2, 2019

Print pages: 165

Sample

Chapter 1

 

 

It was a cool spring evening as I sat in my truck in the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania, watching the parking lot of a run-down bikers’ bar gradually fill up with leather-chap-wearing skinheads> I lay with my head against the doorframe of the open driver’s-side window and my feet on the dashboard. A local ‘80s station crackled through my radio, and an almost-empty bag of honey-roasted cashews rested in the crook of my arm. I kept my baseball cap pulled low. To the casual observer, I was just a drunk sleeping off an early bender.

 

I scratched at the tattoo of Mjolnir on the back of my right hand, trying to remember what the local cops had said about this place. As far as I could tell, it didn’t even have a proper name, just a generic white sign that said bar in large red letters. It was owned by a gang who called themselves the Dirty Imps. They ran a few rackets around town: meth, weed, and a little bit of protection. They weren’t terribly ambitious, though, and spent more of their time fishing at the local reservoir than getting up to petty crime.

 

There’s an imp taking a piss in the woods back there, a voice said in my head. The voice belonged to a woman and held a hint of a dozen different accents that all seemed to attach themselves to different words; it was a lyrical sound that came off as both young and incredibly old.

 

The old guy with the beard and leather vest? I answered. I thought he went inside.

 

Not a biker. An actual imp.

 

Slowly, I reached up and tilted my rearview mirror. I caught sight of a thin, bald figure standing a few dozen yards behind the truck, head tilted back in that way tired men often did when they relieved themselves. After a few moments, the figure looked down, gave one leg a good shake, and headed back inside, passing my open window close enough that I could have reached out and touched him.

 

The imp was about five feet tall—few grew taller than that—and wore jeans and a flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Like most imps, he had large ears, a small nose, and the emaciated look and gross vibe of a meth addict. The average human, whether or not they can recognize an imp on sight, naturally avoids them. I snorted. I’ve never seen an imp in flannel before. What’s he doing out here anyway? I thought they normally keep to the cities.

 

He washes dishes for the kitchen of the bar.

 

Will he be an issue?

 

Nope.

 

Then why did you bring him to my attention?

 

Because I know how much you hate imps.

 

I sighed and put the imp out of my mind. He’s not my problem.

 

All right, all right, the voice answered defensively. Just trying to be helpful.

 

You’re the most helpful person I know. It wasn’t a lie, either. Maggie could be easily distracted—especially on stakeouts—but she’d saved my life a dozen times. She and I were partners of a sort—the accidental, unwilling-but-making-the-best-of-it sort. A few years back, when I was young and dumb, I put on a ring I found in a debtor’s cash box. The ring didn’t come off—still won’t. Just as surely as I’m trapped wearing the ring, Maggie is trapped inside the ring. Jinn are desert spirits who long for the freedom of big, empty stretches of wilderness. They don’t want to be stuck on the finger of a working schmuck based out of Cleveland, Ohio.

 

Maggie’s reply was cut off by the sound of big engines coming up the road. A few moments later, a trio of men parked their Harleys on the far side of the lot. I ignored two of them, focusing on the tallest of the three. William Hadley—or Dirty Billy, according to police blotters—looked about six foot three and forty years old, with an ample beer belly. Billy wore leather chaps over jeans, a black leather vest, no helmet, and he sported a short goatee and a shaved head.

 

I didn’t bother to check the picture on my phone. He, I told Maggie, is my problem. I slowly eased up in my seat and waited until the big biker and his companions had gone inside before I stepped out of the car. Keep your eyes peeled. If more of Billy’s friends show up, let me know ASAP. I touched Maggie’s ring out of habit, then made sure my Glock was secure in my shoulder holster. I didn’t think I’d need it, but better safe than sorry.

 

The inside of the bar was dimly lit by neon beer signs. A handful of fans spun on the low ceiling, unsuccessfully attempting to dispel the stank of some thirty bodies drinking heavily in a small space. I paused for a moment just inside the door to get my bearings and immediately spotted Billy’s two companions jawing with the bartender. Billy himself was gone. There weren’t any other exits aside from a single door leading off the bar and into the back room.

 

He went into the back, Maggie told me.

 

So I gathered.

 

No need for sarcasm; I was just making sure.

 

I eyed that door as I slid up to the bar and grinned at the bartender, setting my wallet down in front of me.

 

“What can I get ya?” the bartender asked.

 

“Something local. I’m looking for Billy Hadley.”

 

The bartender snorted. “What are you, an undercover cop or something? Never seen a cop dressed like that.”

 

“Not in the slightest.” I opened my wallet and pulled out a business card. It was white with black lettering that said Valkyrie Collections: We Deal with Mortals So You Don’t Have To. My name and cell phone number were on the back. “Do me a favor and give him this. Tell him his debt is past due, and it would be a good idea if he talked to me tonight.”

 

The bartender didn’t look at the card. “Billy doesn’t owe anyone.”

 

“That you know of.”

 

“He’s not here.”

I stretched. Not a lot—just enough physical theater so that the bartender got the idea that I was much larger than him. I’ve got troll somewhere back in my foggy, northern European ancestry. It’s diluted enough that I get a few good perks without being as dumb as a brick or turning to stone in sunlight. I’m six foot four with broad shoulders, short blond hair, a strawberry beard, and a bunch of tattoos. I look like I hit the gym every day, though I definitely do not. I like to think I have a Tom Hardy thing going on. Maggie says I look more like a techno Viking. In short, my clients like the fact that I look like a guy you shouldn’t mess with.

 

“I watched him walk in three minutes ago,” I yawned. “Go give him my card.”

 

The bartender tried to stare me down for a few long seconds. I responded with the same look I give to salesmen who try to get me to buy their shit before I’ve had my fifth cup of coffee in the morning. He finally broke off his stare, took my card, and headed into the back room.

 

I leaned across the bar and snagged an unopened bottle of some import I’d never heard of.

 

God, I haven’t had a beer in forever, Maggie said.

 

I thought you could conjure just about anything you want inside that little world of yours. Beer was a new complaint. She usually moaned about not being able to get laid or get a massage. I was pretty good at sympathizing, considering that I was a slave to my boss—she literally owned me. Maggie and I were both trapped in places we didn’t want to be.

 

I can, but it’s not the same.

 

There isn’t ay way I can just, like, hand you one, is there?

 

There was a long silence. No one has ever offered before. I spend all my time trying to get out. It never occurred to me to try to bring things into this place.

 

How did you get your library in there?

 

It came with me when I was cursed. My whole villa did. I’ll give it some thought.

 

Seven centuries, and life can still surprise you, I told her. I genuinely hoped she could figure it out. Life without beer? Hardly sounded worth living.

 

I’d barely managed a few swallows of my pilfered drink before the bartender returned. He flicked my card in my face, then snatched the beer out of my hand. “Excuse me?” I said. The gums around my bottom canines began to ache, and it took a brief force of will to keep my tusks from emerging. “I planned on paying for that.”

 

“You’re not paying for anything. Billy says that if you aren’t out of here in thirty seconds, you’re going to wake up tomorrow without any teeth.”

 

“Ah.” I kept the smile plastered to my face and stepped back from the bar. “I see how it is. You don’t think he’ll reconsider?”

 

“Twenty seconds.”

 

“Right.” I took five dollars out of my wallet and put it in the tip cup. “One quick question?”

 

“Real quick.”

 

“Do you have a restroom?”

 

The flick of the bartender’s eyes toward that one door was all I needed, “Not that you can use,” the bartender growled. “You be out that door in five seconds.”

 

“Okay, okay!” I held up my hands. “I’m going!”

 

I stepped outside, breathing a deep lungful of the humid spring night, and held the door open for an older woman heading inside. I massaged the gums around my lower canines. Once—just once—I wished these assholes could do things the easy way. But then again, my job wasn’t to collect the easy debts.

 

I could have told you where the restroom was, Maggie said.

 

Asking basic questions of idiots is the only social life I have. Leave me that, please.

 

A sharp pain like a bee sting stabbed my finger beneath Maggie’s ring. The only social life you have?

 

You know exactly what I meant, I shot back.

 

Hmph. See if I warn you the next time someone is about to shoot you in the back.

 

I chuckled at Maggie’s faux anger and walked around the side of the building, where I took out my wallet, flipping it open flat in my hand. My job sends me into some pretty shady places; I run into stolen goods and ancient stockpiles of loot both magical and mundane fairly often. Most of those are turned over to the proper authorities, but some of them “accidentally” make their way home with me. Maggie’s ring was one such item. My endless wallet is another. It’s one of the few decent perks of my job.

 

I fished through the interior of a space much larger than any earthly billfold and pulled out a mirror the size of a checkbook. The mirror, unlike the wallet, was standard gear. It allowed me to move between it and another nearby mirror. I glanced over my shoulder and continued around to the back of the building, where I spotted a tiny restroom window. Just beneath it, I slapped the mirror against the wall. Instead of shattering on contact, the glass stuck to the cinder block as if glued in place. With one more look around, I pressed my fingers to the glass.

 

I blinked. The world seemed to crinkle around me, and suddenly I was standing in a tiny restroom. It reeked of piss, its once-white walls now off-yellow. A single bare light bulb flickered above my head.

 

“Charming,” I muttered and opened the door.

 

The restroom let out into a cluttered office with two grimy couches, a scratched pool table, and a desk shoved into one corner. Papers, discarded food, and old clothes seemed to cover every surface. My target sat on one of the couches, his beer belly peeking out from under his stained shirt and a definitely too-young-for-him woman sitting on his lap.

 

“Who the hell are you?” Billy demanded.

 

“Out,” I told the woman, snatching her by the arm and shoving her out the office door. I locked it behind her and turned to face Billy, who was struggling to get out of the sagging couch.

 

“Just what the hell—”

 

“My name is Alek Fitz,” I said. “I’m a reaper for Valkyrie Collections, and I’ve come to collect your debt.”

 

The world debt was barely out of my mouth when Billy’s eyes grew wide. He lunged for the desk, jerking open one of the drawers. I was there a second later, glimpsing the gun concealed within. I slammed the drawer closed on Billy’s hand, then a fist into his gut. No need to use magic on this one.

 

Billy doubled over, caught himself on one of the couches, and swung at me. I sidestepped the punch and grabbed Billy by the elbow. I like to practice finesses over force when I’m able. Two decades of jujitsu allowed me to do just that. I leaned away, crossed a leg behind Billy’s, and put the big biker on his back.

 

You’ve got company, Maggie warned, and he’s armed.

 

Someone pounded on the door, and I recognized the bartender’s voice. “Billy? Is everything okay in there?”

 

With what? I asked.

 

Twelve-gauge shotgun.

 

Thanks to my troll heritage, buckshot wasn’t going to pierce my skin even at close range. But it sure would hurt like hell. I quickly knelt beside Billy, turning Maggie’s ring around so the ruby faced inward, and then cupped the side of Billy’s head. I could sense a trickle of Maggie’ sorcery warm my finger. “You feel that burning sensation on the side of your scalp?” Billy tried to get up. I put one knee on his sternum. “If you try to move one more time, I’m going to set your head on fire. Understand?”

 

Billy swallowed hard and lay still.

 

With one hand, I pulled out my wallet and managed to produce another mirror. This one was smaller—about the size of a credit card—and had a red thumbprint in one corner. I turned it over to read the tiny, immaculate handwriting on the back.

 

“William Hadley,” I intoned, “I am here to collect on a debt four years, three months, and two days past due. I do so with the full authority of the contract you made with my client, LuciCorp, and the authority of the Rules that bind mankind and the Other.” I ran my eyes over the script, making sure I hadn’t left out any important details, and paused when I got to the terms of the contract. I read it again. Then I leaned over, looking Billy in the eye and ignoring the pounding on the office door. “You sold your soul for a ‘bitchin’ motorcycle’? You’re an even bigger asshole than I thought.”

 

I adjusted my left hand, grabbed Billy by the face, forced his right eye between two fingers, then thrust the mirror in front of his eye. The effect was immediate; Billy went rigid for a handful of seconds, then began to thrash and convulse like he’d been hit with a stun gun. I held him down until the count of five, then got up and stashed the mirror in my wallet. He gave out a low, pain-filled moan.

 

“That’s gonna hurt for a few weeks,” I advised. “I recommend icing your temples and avoiding alcohol.” He didn’t actually need to avoid alcohol, but I enjoy giving advice to people who are just gonna ignore it anyway. I didn’t personally know what it was like to live without a soul, but I’d heard it was terrible. I nudged him with my toe. “You hear me?”

 

You’re out of time, Maggie said, an instant before the door burst open. I caught a glance of the grizzled bartender, Billy’s frightened girlfriend, and the barrel of a shotgun.

 

“Shit,” I spat, leaping for the bathroom door.

 

I heard the blast of the gun, but then my fingers touched the bathroom mirror and I was back outside the rear of the bar. Ears ringing, I grabbed my stepping mirror off the wall and sprinted for my truck. Within seconds I was flying down the highway, one eye on the rearview mirror and another on the road as I fumbled for my phone.

 

My call rang twice before a woman picked up. “Ada, it’s Alek.”

 

“You get it?” The voice on the other end sounded exactly what one might expect a two-pack-a-day smoker to sound like, which I always find funny because Ada doesn’t smoke.

 

“Let OtherOps know I reaped a soul off of William Hadley in Mercer County,” I told her.

 

“Any trouble?”

 

“Shotgun. He missed.”

 

“Good. I’m not paying for another company polo.”

 

Have I told you your boss is a bitch? Maggie interjected.

 

I ignored her and bit my tongue so that I wouldn’t tell Ada to go to hell. Company polo? Really? “I’ll have you know I was wearing a hoodie tonight.”

 

If Ada heard the joke in my tone, she ignored it. “Those are even more expensive.”

 

I sighed. “Right. Thanks for the concern. It’ll take me a couple hours to get home. I’ll be in late tomorrow.”

 

“You’ll do no such thing. You have an appointment at six AM sharp.”

 

“You’re shitting me.”

 

Huuuuuuge bitch, Maggie whispered.

 

“Be there,” Ada ordered.

 

“Ada! It’s Friday night. I’ve been working eighteen-hour days. Give me a goddamned break.”

 

The word break had barely left my mouth when I felt an intense pain in my chest. My left arm went numb, and I gasped for breath, barely managing to get out the words “Yes, ma’am. I’ll be there at six.”

 

I have a lot of tattoos. Some of them are for show. Others, like the tattoo of Mjolnir on my right hand and Grendel’s claw on my left, are reaper specials that allow me to dish out some serious damage. There’s one, though, that is completely unique. On the left side of my chest, just above my heart, is a barcode about an inch long. It was put there when I was an infant, after my parents sold me. Since Ada owns me now, she has control of that little tattoo, and she can do some mean things with its sorcery.

 

The pain went away instantly, lingering as a memory—a reminder—in my chest. “Good,” Ada said. “And don’t fuck this up. It’s important.”

 

“Who am I meeting with?”

 

“Death.”

 

“Oh.” I hung up the phone and stared at the road. I could feel Maggie stalking around in the back of my head. Ada’s abuse always put her in a foul mood. I think it made her feel as helpless as I did.

 

When she’d finally calmed down, Maggie asked, Was Ada serious about meeting Death?

 

In all the time you’ve been riding along with me, has Ada ever made a joke? I responded, driving with one hand clutching my chest. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea myself. I’d met all manner of magical beings in my line of work, including a handful of minor gods. But Death, the Great Constant? This was new. Even Lucy was wary of Death, and she’d been giving Yahweh the finger for six thousand years.

 

What are you going to do? Maggie asked.

 

I’m going to be at my meeting on time, I told her, and I’m not going to shake his hand.