Tuesday, October 22nd
Only Harry.
9:30pm
“Will you come to Shanghai?”
Harry’s question hangs in the air between us. I look up into his blue eyes, hoping to find clarity.
Hoping to not feel so lost.
But suddenly, I feel frozen.
Alone.
It’s like I’m on a deserted island and my only chance of escape is flying away from me. I want to jump up and down, get someone’s attention, scream out, Help, but I can’t.
I’m stuck, feet in the sand, unable to move.
But I have to do something.
My fingers finally curl, and I dig my nails into Harry’s shoulders. I need to come back to myself.
This isn’t some life-or-death question.
This is just Harry, asking if I will go on a trip with him.
But his question doesn’t feel small.
And it makes time slow down around me until I notice that I’m at a complete standstill.
My cheeks drain of their color, and I feel my hands grow cold.
All the noise from the party disappears.
And then there is only Harry.
Two blue eyes looking down at me.
Two blue eyes filled with hope.
All I can see is him.
All I can see is the future he wants me to say yes to.
My answer isn’t just about a trip.
He wants an answer to the question that he’s been thinking about. Hinting at. He wants an answer to the question that Noah’s been worrying about. To the question I’ve been avoiding.
Do Harry and I have a chance?
And I have to give him an answer.
Right here.
Right now.
I slam my eyes shut as bile rises in my throat. I suddenly feel sick. The noise from the party comes rushing back into my ears. The smell of alcohol and smoke is too thick. And Harry’s fingers gently cupping my waist suddenly feel like chains.
I weave my brows together, wondering if I’m having a panic attack.
I’ve never had one before, but I imagine this is what it feels like.
“Mallory?” Harry’s fingers leave my waist with his words, quickly easing some of the pressure crushing my chest. He says my name again, and I try to focus on him.
On his voice.
“Harry,” I mumble, letting my fingers slide down from his shoulders onto his chest.
“Are you all right?” he asks. This time, his voice is clearer, and I can hear the concern in it.
I shake my head, my eyes still shut.
“Can you walk me to the bathroom, please?” It’s the only thing I can think to ask. To do.
Hopefully, it will be quieter there.
I will be able to catch my breath. And think.
“Of course.” When Harry takes ahold of my arm, I finally open my eyes.
I know I should look up at him and show him I’m okay. But I can’t.
Because I don’t feel that way.
Instead, I keep my gaze on the floor and focus on not crashing into anyone as we move off the dance floor and down a hallway. Harry stops, asking one of the waiters for directions to the bathroom. When we finally arrive, I let out an exhale. Relief floods through me at the promise of a wall being between us. But as I grasp on to the door handle, Harry takes my hand in his.
He turns me, so I finally have to look up at him.
“Mallory, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he says, looking worried and confused.
My stomach drops.
“I’m not upset.” I try to keep my voice firm, but it suddenly feels quiet and small.
“You don’t have to give me an answer tonight. We’ve got the private jet, so tickets aren’t an issue. I know you’re a planner. You’re probably just processing—” Harry goes on, but I quickly stop him.
“Just give me a few minutes. I’ll be right back,” I say, releasing his hand and pushing into the bathroom. When I close the door on him, I feel terrible.
But I also feel instant relief.
I turn the lock and slide my back down against the door until I’m sitting on the floor.
My head falls back, and I take in a large gulp of air. Without thinking, I pull out my phone and click on one of my favorited contacts.
The call rings for only a few seconds before Anna picks up.
“Hello?” Her bright voice echoes through the phone.
“Anna, I—” I close my eyes again, not sure what to say. I don’t know why I even called her.
“What’s wrong?” Anna says, immediately sounding worried.
I let out a long, slow exhale.
“I miss you.” It’s the only thing that comes out of my mouth.
“I miss you too,” Anna says warmly. “Now, tell me what’s going on.”
“I think I just had a panic attack. Or I’m having one.”
“You what?!” Anna exclaims. “Mallory, are you okay?”
I shake my head to myself.
“Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on with me. But I need to figure it out.”
“Are you all right? What happened?” Anna asks.
I can hear the concern in her voice, and immediately, I want to tell her that it’s okay.
That I’m okay.
But I really don’t know if I am.
“I just, I need to talk through something with you. It’s about Harry.”
As the words leave my mouth, the pressure on my chest eases ever so slightly.
“Harry?” Anna asks, obviously surprised. “I figured if anyone led you down the road to a panic attack, it would be Noah.”
A laugh escapes from my lips at that, making me feel better.
Because she kind of has a point.
But then I grow serious again.
“I’m Harry’s date tonight. We’re at his family’s friends’ dinner party. It’s something I agreed to go with him to, but—” I struggle to find the right words.
My thoughts and emotions are everywhere. I don’t know where the anxiety pulsing through me starts or stops, and finding the thread—the reasoning behind my feelings—well, it isn’t easy.
“And you miss Noah?” Anna asks, trying to fill in the gaps.
“No. Well, yeah, of course I do. But, Anna, Harry asked me to go to Shanghai with him. Like, tomorrow.”
Anna gasps into the phone. “No way!”
“Yeah.”
“Uh! I’m so jealous. That’s amazing, Mallory. Why can’t I be the one jetting off? I mean, seriously. First London. Now Shanghai.”
“Anna, I can’t go,” I say, cutting her off.
“Right, because your parents are coming into town,” Anna says, like she understands my reason. “Well, you could always call and ask them. I mean, you’re right. They’ll probably say no. But it doesn’t hurt to ask!”
I shake my head to myself. “My parents would definitely say no. But he offered to set up a meeting with a real estate agency there. For me. Harry knows how important that is to me, and since my parents told me they were moving, he knows I’ve felt very off-balance as far as my future goes.”
“Why are you even thinking about a job right now? We have another year and a half of high school and then four years of college before that will even matter,” Anna says, sounding exasperated.
I roll my eyes to myself. I’ve heard this speech from Anna numerous times before.
She’s always telling me that I can’t overplan my life.
“That’s all beside the point,” I say, trying to stay focused. “The point is, Harry knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s the perfect balance of calculated and spur of the moment. He’s always walking right on the line. In everything. He says it will be an adventure. Fun. Exciting. He told me we could go as friends. That I shouldn’t worry about Noah. But he also plays on my objectivity. The fact that I could take a meeting with a real estate agency there, it’s just icing on the cake. He knows that’s my dream.”
“It sounds like he knows you. And maybe he is playing you. But honestly, Mallory, you sort of need someone like that.”
“Someone like what?” I ask defensively.
“Someone who forces you to have fun, but also respects your dedication to your plans. I know you’re going to get mad at me for saying this, but I’m sort of impressed by him.”
I bang my head back against the door, frustrated with her.
And with myself.
Because she’s right.
Harry does know me.
“I know,” I finally respond.
“Do you think you could have feelings for Harry again?” Anna asks the question carefully, and I can hear the hesitation in her voice.
“I love Harry—I do, but I want to be with Noah. And I won’t do anything to ruin that. I can’t.”
“Noah knows you and Harry are just friends, right?”
I exhale shakily. Because with one simple question, Anna got straight to the heart of my problem.
And I have to think about my answer.
“Somewhere, deep down, Noah still isn’t convinced that I’ve chosen him. And if I went with Harry on this trip, I know it would end things between us. Honestly, I’m sure of it. It wouldn’t happen right away, but he would slowly put distance between us, so he wouldn’t get hurt. He knows that I care about him, but my actions would prove that I can’t let go of Harry. And to Noah, that would definitely mean something.”
Anna is silent for a moment.
“Can you let go of him?” she finally asks.
Her question sends a deep pain through my chest. A tear falls down my cheek, and I wipe it away forcefully.
“I have to,” I say shakily, my chest aching. “But I don’t know how. I feel like my heart is breaking, Anna.”
Another tear escapes, and I grow more and more upset with myself.
“Aw, Mallory, don’t cry. Look, at the end of the day, Harry will understand. You have a lot going on! Your parents are arriving. They probably wouldn’t let you go anyway.”
“Harry could convince them,” I tell her, wiping at my wet nose. “Harry can talk anyone into anything.”
“Are you afraid if you go with Harry, something might happen?”
“I’m afraid if I don’t go, I will lose him.”
“You know what that sounds like to me?” Anna asks.
“What?”
“It sounds like fear talking.”
And she’s right.
Again.
It is. I’m scared of losing Harry. I’m scared of hurting him.
“I love you, Anna,” I say into the phone. “And you’re right. You’re absolutely right.”
“Know what you’re going to do?” Anna says sternly.
“What?”
“You’re going to push your shoulders back, wipe away your tears, and go tell Harry that you can’t go with him. Tell him that you love him and his friendship, but that you need to be in London. And then you’re going to go back and tell Noah exactly how you feel. You will tell him that he shouldn’t be worried about things between you and Harry, well, because you love him.”
Anna’s words cause me to sit up. I blink, feeling like my mind has suddenly cleared.
“Damn,” I say, impressed. “You’re right.”
“I know I’m right, girl! Now, pull yourself together and get back out to that party.”
I nod my head in agreement, motivation growing within me.
It’s why I called Anna.
I pull myself up off the floor and look at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes are red, but I feel stronger. Better.
“Thanks, Anna. I needed to hear that,” I say, turning on the tap to splash a little cold water on my cheeks.
“Don’t worry about it. Now, get out there and stick to your guns!”
I laugh into the phone.
“I will. I promise. I love you,” I tell her.
“Love you too. Call me later with an update!” Anna says before ending the call.
I set my phone down on the counter and let the cold water run over my hands. I pat down my face and neck before fixing my eye makeup.
Looking at my reflection, I can see the determination in my eyes. The fire that Anna lit inside me is glowing, and I have to talk to Harry before I lose that courage.
I feel better.
At least, I think I do.
And I can’t give myself any time to question it.
I unlock the door and yank on it. My grip must have been firmer than I anticipated because it flies open. I know that I need to find Harry and tell him exactly what Anna told me to say.
That I value his friendship and that I love him.
But that I can’t go to Shanghai.
I can’t chicken out or think about what the consequences will be for our friendship.
I move into the hallway, filled with determination. But a second later, I see Harry.
He’s leaning against the wall in the hallway, his gaze focused on the party. At least it is until I take another step toward him.
He must sense the movement because his head turns, his eyes finding mine.
“Harry,” I say, startled.
I don’t know what I expected.
I guess I thought he would be out, having fun at the party. Or dancing with some old woman, making her night. I thought I’d find him pouring himself another drink or laughing with the other men smoking outside.
I didn’t think I’d find him here, waiting for me in a dark hallway, looking sad.
My stomach churns at the sight of him, but I have to ignore the feeling.
Harry searches my face.
“You’ve been crying again,” he says, a deep crease forming between his brows.
“I can’t go with you to Shanghai,” I blurt out.
Harry pulls his head back in surprise. “You’ve already decided?”
“Yes.”
I know I should tell him more.
That I should explain things. And I will.
But right now, I need to be clear.
I need to be firm.
“Don’t say that,” Harry says, reaching out for my hand.
I reflexively pull back but quickly regret it. Harry immediately looks hurt.
I press my lips together, my heart starting to ache again. But then I remember what Anna said.
I need to stay focused.
So I take his hands into mine and say, “I have to. I can’t go.”
Harry glances away from me, but he doesn’t retract his hands from mine. “It’s because of Noah, right?”
“This isn’t about him. It isn’t even about you,” I tell him.
Harry shakes his head. His eyes shift again before returning to meet my gaze.
“If you and Noah end up together, this is just going to be the start. You are always going to choose him to keep him from worrying about us. Doesn’t that make you wonder why? You’ll walk on eggshells around me, thinking that one wrong word or wrong look will break things between you two. Our friendship won’t be the same, you realize that, right?”
Harry drops my hands.
I sweep my eyes across his face. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look so determined.
So serious.
His usually soft blue eyes are clear, and the intensity in them makes me want to give in to him. To agree with him.
But I can’t do that.
“Our friendship will be fine as long as you don’t make me choose. Don’t make this an I’m not coming with you because of him.”
“What is it then?” he asks, looking confused.
“As amazing as Shanghai sounds, I’m going to spend my break here. I need to be with my family. I need to get moved. Get settled. And, yes, I want to spend time with Noah. But that doesn’t mean that, one day, we won’t get to spend a break together. Or that I’m not going with you because I’m scared of what Noah will think. I’m touched that you were willing to help me with a possible internship. I know you care about me, Harry. And I care about you too. All it comes down to is that I need to be here—just like you need to be there.”
The words scare me as they come out of my mouth.
Anna’s right. I am scared.
I’m scared of losing him. Of hurting him even more. But I have to be clear and honest if we are ever going to have a chance at a true friendship.
And I need to show them both that I know what I want.
Who I want.
I want a friendship with Harry.
But with Noah, I want everything.
And I need to start making decisions for the future that I want.
As much as I want to go to Shanghai with Harry, it’s the wrong decision.
It would be easy. And fun. He already has every excuse we would both need, laid out right in front of us. We would have a great time.
We always do.
But I’m starting to wonder if that’s because we’re friends now.
There isn’t the expectation for Harry to be something more than he is.
I appreciate him for who he is.
He’s spontaneous and fun. And he’s growing into himself. He’s figuring out what he wants from life and who he wants to be.
And I love that.
But when we were together, he was always falling short. I was more critical of his actions, and giving him space and time to figure out who he was didn’t exactly go hand in hand with him being the perfect boyfriend.
Our relationship struggled.
But now that we’re friends, everything feels like it’s fallen into place. Partially, it’s because he is growing up. But I also think it’s because we’re better suited as friends.
I can appreciate Harry more for who he is, and we’ve grown closer because of it.
Which makes this harder.
“The timing isn’t right,” Harry finally says.
“No, it isn’t,” I agree.
Harry pushes his fingers back through his blond hair, disheveling it. My stomach does another flip because I can tell that he’s hurt. His lips are pulled down in a frown, and he won’t look at me.
He’s looking everywhere but at me, his eyes moving around the empty hallway as he thinks.
But finally, his gaze comes back to mine.
And it’s then that I see my Harry again.
The Harry who is soft and sweet and understanding.
His blue eyes are relaxed, and his former frown is gone.
“I knew that you might say no,” he admits with a shrug.
I exhale at his words, relief flooding through me.
“Really?” I ask, wanting to keep the dialogue between us going.
“I didn’t expect you to say no, but I knew there was a chance.”
I nod, listening.
“I suppose you have your reasons though. And like you said, I have to be there. No, I want to be there,” he corrects. “As much as I don’t want to be away from London or you, spending next summer in Shanghai, away from my parents, doesn’t sound like the worst idea.”
I inhale, my chest filling up with air at his words.
Because they’re the exact words I’ve been hoping to hear him say.
“I love that you’re finally starting to believe that your future is your own because it can be.” I take Harry’s hand. I want to say more, but I don’t want to do it here, tucked away in a corner of the party. I want to feel light again.
I lead him back out onto the dance floor.
Harry takes one of my hands in his, placing the other at my waist.
“I know that going to Shanghai wasn’t your idea, but life doesn’t always go according to our plans,” I tell him. “Even when it’s something that we later realize we wanted, at the time, it can be overwhelming. But I think we both need to take control of our lives. We’ve both had a lot of changes recently. But if I went to Shanghai with you, Harry, I would be running away. As fun and easy as it would be, it’s not the right decision for me.”
Harry pulls me closer. “I can understand that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish your answer were different.”
“You have no idea how much I wish I could give you a different answer,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck.
Both of his hands come to sit at my waist.
Harry doesn’t say anything else, and neither do I.
There really isn’t anything else to say.
When the song ends, it feels like something between us ends too.
Harry checks his watch.
“The car should be here in ten,” he says, more to himself than to me.
“Okay.”
“We should say our good-byes.” Harry searches through the crowded room, his eyes scanning from person to person until, suddenly, they still.
I follow his gaze, finding Mr. and Mrs. Burton. They’re standing close together in the far corner of the room. Her hand is resting on his shoulder as they talk to another couple. They both have wide smiles fixed on their faces. As Harry leads me in their direction, I half-wonder if the smiles are just for show. But as we get closer, I realize they’re not. Mr. Burton’s cheeks turn rosy pink as Mrs. Burton lets out a genuine laugh.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Harry says, breaking into their conversation. “But we just wanted to give you our good-byes.”
“Headed off so soon?” Mrs. Burton replies, her upturned lips turning down into a sad puppy-dog frown.
“Unfortunately,” Harry replies, extending his hand out to her. She offers her own up in response. ...
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