Chapter One
Sophie
“No, no, please, Theo, fight,” I beg my husband, clutching his hand. “Please don’t give up.”
He squeezes it back, his blue-tinged lips attempting to lift. “You be brave, Sophie. You have to be.”
I can’t be. I don’t know how to survive in a world without him. Theodore Pearson has been my best friend since we were nine years old and my husband for the last three and a half years. He stepped in and saved me then, and I can’t do it for him now. His heart is failing, and there’s no chance of a transplant anymore.
“How do I live without you?”
“You—” He gasps, closing his eyes before forcing them back open to stare at me. “You are stronger than you believe. Find someone to love you the way I never could, Sophie. You have to take Eden and go.”
I shake my head. He keeps repeating this, but I will not leave him. Not now. Not at the end when he’s literally dying. “You can’t make me leave you, Theo.”
I have been by his side, praying for a miracle that I knew would never come. Theo was born with a congenital heart disease. When he was seven, he had his first open-heart surgery. When he was eleven, he had his second. The last one was a year ago, and that was when he went on the transplant list, but we’ve been waiting and hoping, but there is no match.
Time has run out, and he wants me to leave him to die alone.
I can’t.
“If you . . . love me . . . you have to . . .” Theo coughs several times and then inhales deeply. “Go.”
None of this makes sense, but three days ago, he started demanding I pack without any explanation. He said it was life and death. So, I did as he asked because it settled him once I agreed. But this is crazy. I am not going to leave him on his death bed.
I push back, confused as to why he keeps saying these strange things. “Why? How can you want me to leave you now?”
A tear falls down his cheek. “Because he’ll come for you.”
“Who? Who is coming? None of this makes any sense.”
Theo reaches for my hand, entwining our fingers. “You are my best friend, Sophie. When you got pregnant, I married you, took care of you, and did everything I could to protect you. Now I’m asking you to do this for me. Take Eden and follow the directions.”
My jaw trembles as I try to push back the tears. “Yes, you did that, but it was your idea! I didn’t ask you to do those things. You are my best friend, Theo. You did all that, and now you want me to let you die alone?”
“Yes. I need to die alone.”
“You can’t be serious? I can’t leave you now. I refuse to . . . you can’t ask this of me.”
“I won’t be alone.”
“You will.”
His parents will never come. They walked away from Theo six years ago when he refused to work for his father. They hated the choices he made, so we haven’t heard from them since. I called them a week ago, left a frantic message explaining his situation, and his mother’s assistant called to tell me that they were out of the country and that they sent flowers. They are horrid people.
“I have not asked you for much, Fee.” He uses my childhood nickname, and a tear falls down my cheek. “You owe me for forcing me to marry you.”
I let out a laugh, but it sounds more like a sob. “You have always wanted to be with me.”
He rolls his eyes. “We were never like that, love.”
No, we weren’t, but when I came home from Vegas pregnant, Theo didn’t hesitate. He offered to marry me and raise Eden as if she were his own. Ours is a marriage in name only and never once have we crossed that line. Mostly because I am not the woman he loves, the one he can never have because she married someone else.
And . . . he is like a brother to me, nothing more.
“You couldn’t handle me in bed.”
Theo chuckles. “I think you have that backward.”
I lie beside him, my arm draped over his chest, careful of all the wires. My chin trembles, and the tears fall freely. “I love you.”
“I love you too. It’s because of that love that I can die in peace, so you have to let me go, and you have to leave before I take my last breath.”
I shake my head in rebellion. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want him to die in this room with no one. Eden and I love him and should be with him in his last moments. He’s been a wonderful father to her and means the world to me. “You’re asking me to do the impossible.”
“Look at me, Fee.” I lift my watery gaze to his. “Nothing is impossible when it comes from love. You . . . have to go. Not because you want to, but because I need to protect you and Eden the only way I can. Follow every direction.”
“What direction?”
“The ones you’ll find along the way.”
“You’re being so bloody cryptic.”
Theo inhales deeply, the gasp causing his chest to lift as he uses his strength. It’s growing closer to the end. “Go.”
A sob rises in my throat, but I keep it down. “What are you so afraid of? Who are you protecting me from?”
His eyes close, and he struggles to breathe. “We’re running out of time. Please.”
The way his voice cracks at the end sends my resolve crumbling. I want to fight him, to deny this and stay beside him where I promised I would be, but how can I? Theo is asking me to go. He’s begging me to listen to him, and it’s clear something is wrong.
“You’re that afraid?”
“Yes. Of him.”
“If I go, you have to promise me that you’ll forgive me. That you know I didn’t want to go. That I would fight anything for you. You gave up your life for me when I was pregnant with Eden, and I owe you everything.”
“You owe me nothing. You gave me a child to love when I never could have one any other way.”
Theo’s heart condition is genetic, and he’s known from a young age that he would never risk having a child and passing on the illness. Eden was a blessing he never expected, and he was the savior I never knew I needed.
“I don’t want to say goodbye.”
He brushes my cheek. “It’s never goodbye with us. Best . . . friends.” Theo gasps and then smiles at me. “Never end.”
I rest my forehead to his, my heart rioting against what he’s asked me to do. “I keep waiting for the doctor to come in and tell us there’s a heart.”
“There’s no heart for us, Fee.”
I know this. Still, I wish it.
“You could have mine.”
“If only we could share.”
Another round of tears falls down my face, splashing against his chest. “Where am I going?” I ask.
“Where it’s safe. To someone who will protect you where I failed to.”
Theo is richer than anyone I’ve ever met, how he can’t afford to hire someone to keep me safe in England is insane. Also, he hasn’t explained anything. I don’t understand this danger we are in or why Eden and I need to leave because of it. He’s telling me nothing, and we’re running out of time. For crying out loud, I can’t even start a fight with him about it and demand answers as he’s gasping for breath.
A part of me wonders if it’s even real, even though he tells me it is. “I don’t want to spend this time together fighting. You’re asking me to trust that I’m in danger, and I believe you, but none of it makes sense. I will do as you ask because you have always loved me more than I deserved and have never lied to me.” Although, it’s quite clear he hasn’t been honest about something since this is the first I’m hearing of danger in our lives.
“Look at me.” I lift my head. “You deserve more than I could give. You deserved more than the love of a brother or friend. Find someone who makes you light up. Who will love Eden like a daughter. Promise me.”
I don’t want to promise him that, but he’s dying, and I don’t want to deny him anything. “I promise.”
He takes my hands in his, holding them tight. “Keep this promise, Sophie. Now go. Go and follow every direction. Every single one. Exactly as it says.”
I lean down, pressing my lips to his. We may not have ever been sexually attracted to each other, but we have always been affectionate. “You are my best friend.”
“And you’re mine.”
“I will tell Eden all about her father. I will never let you go from our lives.”
His eyes close, and his lips tremble. “I will watch over you both.”
I sniff as the tears fall faster, and my hands tremble. God, I can’t do this. I can’t.
“Be safe because I can’t die knowing you are still in danger. Please, grant me this.”
My chest heaves as breathing becomes harder. Theo has never hurt me. Not ever. As kids, he was my protector. When my mum was at her worst, Theo was there, holding me together. The two of us have always sacrificed for one another, and I have to give him this. Even if it kills me.
I pull myself together, feeling as though I may shatter at any second, force myself to stand, and tuck him in. I can pretend we’ll see each other again. I must in order to do this.
“I love you.” I choke the words out.
“I love you, and I love Eden. I am sorry, Fee. I am sorry for the man I never was. I am sorry I am leaving you with this mess, but I have done all I can to keep you safe, and you must do everything exactly the way I say.”
I wipe my eyes and nod. “Okay.”
Gathering my belongings feels like agony, but if Theo is this worried, then maybe I need to be as well. Eden is my world, and I can’t allow any harm to come to her.
As I move to the door it’s as though my shoes have anchors as soles, and I pause to look at him once more. He gives me a crooked smile, his lips cracked and face sallow. I will not remember him this way. I’ll remember the boy who handed me his backpack after mine tore. Or the young man who filled in as my prom date after my boyfriend broke up with me the night before. And then the man who married me and raised my child after a drunk night in Vegas with a man I didn’t know. And then, I will see this man, who on his deathbed put us first to protect us from whatever mess he’s found himself in, even if I don’t understand any of it.
“It’s okay,” Theo says.
It’s not, but I force a smile before lifting my hands to my lips and blowing him a kiss. “I would’ve given you the heart from my chest.”
He grins. “Your heart is black and cynical. It wouldn’t have survived in my hopeful soul.”
The laughter falls from my lips, as do the tears from my eyes. “Rest now, Theo, it’ll be okay.”
I turn and run down the corridor, knowing if I stop, I’ll return to him. I don’t see anyone as I leave the hospital, but Martin, our driver, is waiting to open the door of the black car for me. He gives me a knowing look, his brown eyes filled with sadness.
When he gets in the driver’s seat, I look at him through the rearview mirror. “He’s gone. I need to go home.”
And find out where I’m going next.
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