Holding on To Heaven

Book 2: The Allendale Four

by Angel Lawson

Genres: Young Adult

Synopsis

Keep Calm and Survive High School.

That was my motto. It was easier with the Allendale Four by my side and with college on the horizon, I had no doubt we'd have the best time of our lives.

No parents. No rules. Lots of freedom.

Except even with the bullies that harassed me out of the picture the past is hard to shake. New obstacles emerge, along with old hang-ups and bad habits.

I know the guys; Oliver, Jackson, Anderson and Hayden have my back, but what happens when outside forces threaten to tear us apart?

Find out in Holding on to Heaven the second installment of The Allendale Four series.

This book contains content involving older teens, in a college setting along with social issues, depression and suicide.

Release date: July 12, 2018

Publisher: Independently published

Print pages: 205

Sample

Prologue

If dating four guys in high school was rough, I figured college would only get easier. At least, that was what movies taught me.

Along with the increase in freedom and the decrease of adult supervision, and the addition of a less judgmental environment for sexual experimentation, it had to be better, right?

Those were my thoughts before my graduation party. My only concerns were trying not to get an 8:30 a.m. class, figuring out my meal card, and how to make sure one of the boys didn’t feel left out (oh yeah, that happened.) My biggest other worry involved a talk I wanted to have with the guys about our relationship. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong. No. Things were great. I was just ready to take things to a different level, and talking to one guy about sex was awkward enough, not to mention four.

But then graduation happened and I didn’t even get to have that talk before shit hit the fan. Of course, shit hit the fan. Should I have expected differently? Assumed life would be smooth sailing after the harassment and bullying in high school? Sure, I wanted the fairytale ending. The happily ever after. The riding off in the sunset. I deserved it. My guys deserved it, but none of us are stupid enough to expect it. So, in the end, despite all the progress I’d made, I still had a lot of trust issues. Friend issues. Self-advocation issues and apparently…family issues, cockblocking my way to a happily ever after. 

Good thing I still had the Allendale Four.

 

 

Chapter 1

 

The Mustang rumbled down the road, top down. The rush of the wind felt similar to the rush I felt inside.

“We did it. I can’t believe we did it.” I said, glancing over at Oliver. His hair whipped in the air.

He rested his hand on my knee and squeezed, sending a familiar shock of electricity across my skin. “Can’t believe we graduated?”

“Graduated. Survived. Whatever you want to call it.” I eased out of the blue graduation gown and tossed it and the cap in the back.

The loud roar of an engine barreled next to us, the tall Jeep dwarfing the antique Mustang in its shadow. Hayden smiled down at me from the driver’s seat. Jackson winked and blew me a kiss. Anderson’s green eyes burned into mine and like always, I felt the heat from knowing these guys were mine.

“See you at the house!” Hayden shouted, passing us.

“I also can’t believe my mom is throwing a party,” I said, watching them go. I had no doubt they’re up to something. A surprise? A gift? I’d been suspicious ever since they suggested we take separate cars.

The truth was that I’d been working up to talking to them about something, and every time I thought about it, nerves of apprehension flared in my belly. I’d hoped after a week of exams, graduation activities, parties and preparation, we could finally find some time alone to talk about it, but I had a feeling it would move to the back burner. 

Again.

“Your mom has chilled out a lot in the past few months,” Oliver replied. “I think she feels bad for everything getting so out of control in the fall.”

“If her guilt means we get to be together judgment-free, then I’ll deal with a stupid party.” 

My mother had been one of the ones to blame the Allendale Four for the bullying and harassment that happened to me earlier in the year. She freaked out and kept me from them, which led to some scary moments with my depression and anxiety. But between finding out the truth--that it had really been her boss’s stepson--and getting to know the guys a little better, (and that they weren’t just with me to get in my pants—okay maybe a little bit, but the feeling was mutual) she’d relaxed.

Oliver glanced over at me, eyebrow raised. We were a block over from my house and there was no mistaking the line of cars on the side of the road. My mom had invited a surprising number of people. After the scrutiny of the last year—the Fakestagram accounts and making new friends—other people didn’t panic me so much anymore.

Or at least that was my thought, until Oliver turned in the driveway and his fingers linked with mine—more for support than anything else. An older model, but still shiny, black Mercedes sat next to my mother’s beat-up truck. 

I squeezed Oliver’s hand. Tight.

“That’s my…” I looked over at him; my heart beating irrationally. Excitement. Fear. Anxiety. Oliver nodded, but a line of stress furrowed between his eyebrows. He’d known. 

“Surprise…your dad’s here.” He lifted my fingers to his mouth and kissed the back of my hand, fully aware of my shock. “Your mom made us promise and you know we’ve been working to get on her good side—you know, trying to ease her into the idea we’re all going to school together.”

Surely, dating one guy had its own set of issues. Dating four? Not only are there relationship challenges, time management, and regular drama, but navigating other people and their expectations was hard. I’d love to just say fuck it. Fuck them, but it wasn’t entirely realistic. Especially when I was still living at home and depended upon my parents’ money to pay for college.

I watched as Hayden, Jackson, and Anderson walked down the driveway. Hayden Pierce is tall and muscular—star goalie of the Allendale soccer team and recipient of a full scholarship to the University. Matching in height is Anderson Thompson—with his lean swimmer’s body; all torso and broad shoulders. His reddish-brown hair glinted in the fading sunlight. Between them walked Jackson Hall, blonde with a swagger and smile that threatened to break the heart of any girl that crossed his path. 

Normally, the three oozed an unstoppable confidence. They had each other. They had me. But today, there was an apprehension in their moves, and I followed their gaze to the front porch.

“It’ll be fine,” Oliver said, eyes glued to the man standing under the “Congratulations!” banner. My father stood there in an expensive suit, watching me—us. “At least he’s not holding a shotgun.”

“Don’t count on it,” I muttered, wavering between the desire to laugh or cry. The guys didn’t know my dad, what he was capable of, and why he’d vanished from our lives in the first place.

Now I couldn’t help but wonder why he was back.

* * *

John Reeves wasn’t an imposing man, at least, not physically. The Allendale boys dwarfed him, but he carried a gravitas that exceeded size. In a word, he was charismatic. Something that had both helped and hurt him in life.

That charisma had mostly just hurt me and my mom, and seeing him in the yard was a shock.

“Heaven,” he said, spreading his arms wide.

“Hi, Daddy.” As much as I didn’t want to fall into his embrace, I couldn’t help myself. He was my dad and he’d been gone for seven years. Seven long years. Tears threatened to spill over, just from the emotion of it all. He squeezed me tight, the kind of bear-hug only a father could give. My mom stood quietly in the corner, happy, but apprehensive. This was big for her, too.

“Let me get a look at you,” he said, pushing me back. I’m in a graduation dress—a hand-me down from Amber. It was a sundress with thin straps at the top, and a full floral skirt. The top was a sweetheart shape, slightly more revealing than I’d like him to see me in. He assessed me and suddenly I felt like a child, not an eighteen-year-old on my way to college. Not a woman with experiences of my own, but the little girl that watched as her father left and her life fell apart.

I spotted the disapproval in his eyes but he said nothing about it other than, “You’ve grown into a beautiful young woman, Heaven.”

I eyed my father, his skin a warm tan. He looked relaxed, and his expensive car, clothing, and accessories were out of place on our shabby porch.

“You look good, too.”

“God was good for me while I was gone.” He cast Mom a glance and her cheeks flushed. I didn’t like it. I also didn’t like it when he looked over my shoulder at the boys. They’d been uncharacteristically quiet since they got out of the car. “And who are these young men?”

“Daddy, these are my friends.” I introduced them individually, making sure not to linger on anyone too long. They showed no fear as they each shook his hand, bringing a swell of pride to my chest. Amber and Benjamin strolled up and I almost sighed in relief to be able to introduce them as well. Anything to take the focus off the boys. I stole a glance at my mother, but her stoic expression told me she hadn’t revealed the truth of my relationship with them.

Not yet.

And he never would know, if I could help it. 

My father stared at everyone, trying to place faces and who they were and what they meant to me. “It’s wonderful to see that Heaven has found a family here in Allendale. My own community of Oceanside has always been important to me. A sense of belonging is important.”

“Kids, there’s a bunch of food and drinks in the back,” my mom said, going full hostess. “I know you’re starving after the ceremony.”

“Thanks, Ms. Reeves,” Amber said, pulling Benjamin behind her. The boys looked at me and I nodded, knowing I needed one more minute with my mom.

When we were alone, I stepped close. “What is he doing here?”

She wrung her hands. “I don’t know, Heaven, but he’s here and he’s your father. He wanted to be here.”

The hurt in her voice was evident. It should be. He’s tanned and relaxed while she’d been working double shifts at the police station to help pay for food on the table and save for college.

“We’ll get through this,” I told her. “And get on with our lives.”

She nodded but grabbed my arm. “No matter what, Heaven, do not let him know about what’s really going on with those boys. I’m okay with your decision. I know you trust them and I do too, but your father? He won’t see it that way. You know how he is.”

I looked down at the man I hadn’t seen in seven years as he spoke quietly to my mother’s supervisor and knew she was right. We’ll get through today, keep quiet about our lives, and hopefully he’ll disappear for another seven years.

 

 

Chapter 2

 

“So,” Amber said, cornering me in the kitchen, “did you get a chance to talk to them?”

“No, not yet,” I whispered back. “And with my dad here, I don’t see it happening.”

“Well, it can wait. I mean, it’s important, but not like, life or death, or anything.”

No, what I wanted to talk to the guys about wasn’t life or death. Just, you know, relationship important. It could definitely wait. If I ever got up the courage.

“Why are you so worried about it? I’d think they’d be into you wanting to expand your, uh,” she lowered her voice, “level of intimacy.”

I looked around, making sure no one heard that, but we were alone. “It’s weird. I mean, can you imagine talking to Benjamin about the fact he’s holding back on you?”

She nodded sympathetically. “Yeah, that’s not a problem.”

“Of course, it’s not,” I whispered. “What are the odds I have four—count them—four boyfriends that all want to take it slow?”

“You and Anderson have sex, right?”

My stomach fluttered at the mention of it. “Yeah, but I can tell he’s restraining himself.” I leaned against the counter. My cheeks burned before I got the next comment out of my mouth, but it was driving me crazy and I had to talk to someone about it. “They’re big guys. Athletic. Strong. Is it wrong that I want them to use a little of that power on me?”

Amber shook her head. “Not at all. Maybe it’s just an access thing—we all still live at home—even Oliver in that apartment of his. Once we leave for school, you’ll have way more time together and the opportunity for privacy.”

I smiled at Amber. We’d only become friends this year, after she stood up for me with the bullying and harassment, but she got me. We could talk about almost anything; school, guys, sex…we’d even agreed to room together at the University. 

“Heaven,” my dad said, walking into the room. Amber tensed in his presence. “I’d hoped we’d have time to spend together this summer, but I hear you’re starting school in a few weeks.”

“That would have been great,” I lied, “but yeah, we got early admission. Amber and I both start the summer semester in mid-June. Gives us a leg up on the rest of the freshmen class.”

Truthfully, I didn’t want to stick around Allendale without the guys. They all had athletic obligations and had to arrive at school for conditioning and pre-season training. I won’t deny that a summer of freedom in the co-ed dorms seemed like a great way to start. 

Not that the guys would be living there. Just me and Amber. They all had to stay in athletic housing. It was good, though. I loved my boys, but a little space to experience college wasn’t a bad idea. The past year taught me about being comfortable in my own skin—branching out and experiencing new things. I wanted that from college and from the boys I loved.

Living in the co-ed dorm would make things less noticeable, though. No curfews or rules on male visitors. I couldn’t wait for the experience.

My dad leaned against the counter. He’d taken off his jacket and rolled the sleeves of his crisp white shirt up over his elbows, revealing an expensive gold watch. With his tie removed, I could see the cross around his neck, the one he’s worn since he was a teenager and committed his life to Jesus at church camp. Just having my father so close by made me uncomfortable. In many ways he was a stranger, but I also knew about his expectations. His beliefs, and I had no doubt he could ferret out mine quickly.

* * *

“Heaven can you grab that bag of ice in the laundry room?”

“Sure, Mom,” I said, slipping through the kitchen to the adjoining laundry room. The ice was in the freezer and I opened the top door to find it.

I felt the presence of a body behind me and an arm slipped around my waist. My senses were overwhelmed with the warm scent of soap mingled with the slight tinge of chlorine.

“Need any help?” Anderson asked, kissing me on the neck.

My knees wobbled but my stomach twisted with nerves and I pulled away, looking toward the door. He glanced over his shoulder. “Something wrong?”

I felt the hard muscle of his abs beneath his dress shirt and the pressure of his fingers against my hips. All I wanted was to run away with these guys, feel their bodies, and wrap myself in the safety of their arms. But that wasn’t realistic, and their sense of overprotectiveness was already a bit of an issue. 

“Having my dad here freaks me out a little.”

His green eyes held mine and I noticed the tic of irritation in his jaw. “Is there something you’re not telling us? Because you know we’ve got your back.”

I touched his cheek. “I know, babe, thank you. My dad is just complicated. Having him back in our lives is unexpected. I just need to get used to it.”

“I can understand that. You and your mom have been alone for a long time.” My mom. I couldn’t believe she let him back in the house. But then again…was it really a surprise? She’d never had much self-control when he was around. 

“I just like how things are, you know?”

“Change makes you nervous. I may have a little experience with that.” He bent down and kissed me softly on the lips, slipping his tongue into my mouth.

I twisted his shirt in my hands. “Speaking of changes, I uh, kind of wanted to talk to you guys about something.”

His eyebrow rose curiously. “Yeah?”

“Later, when we’re alone.”

My mom shouted from the other room. “Heaven!”

“Coming!” 

Anderson grabbed the ice out of the freezer and lifted it over his shoulder. I didn’t miss the way my father watched us as we walked back in the room. Or the way my mother tried to divert his attention. I also didn’t miss how Anderson’s hand brushed against my lower back, making my stomach fill with butterflies.

All it took was one night and my life got really, really complicated.

* * *

“Dude, so what was that all about?”

Amber and I were in the truck, headed back to her house for a sleepover. Well, not true. We were really both going to our boyfriend’s houses—her, Benjamin and me, Oliver’s. 

“You mean the fit my dad just had about me leaving?”

“Uh, yeah. That and the fact he was here at all.” She turned to face me. “There seemed to be some tension.”

That was one way to put it. “My dad is…spoiled? I guess. I don’t know. He just likes to control things and he’s been gone so long he hasn’t realized I’m an adult now.”

He’d been angry that I wanted to leave after the party, but Mom had already given me permission to spend the night out. I was proud of her for sticking to her guns, before he left she never would have done that. But if he found out about me and the guys…

I didn’t want to think about it.

“He was nice and he said he was going to get us a TV for the dorm room, which is totally unnecessary, but still.” 

I didn’t want to tell her that things from my dad came with strings attached. You never knew when you’d have to pay up. 

Amber reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Look, I know you’re a worrier. That’s what you do, but we’ve graduated, we’ve made it into a great school and things are going to be awesome.”

I smiled, wanting to believe her, but I had a hard time ignoring the gnawing feeling in my gut, that everything I’d worked so hard for over the last year was about to implode. 

I dropped her off at Benjamin’s with an agreement to meet at the diner by nine the next morning to cover our bases. Allendale was a small town so it didn’t take long for me to get to Oliver’s house. His father and step-mother showed up for the actual graduation but were leaving for Europe in the morning. Every light in the main house was out, so I used my phone to light my way down the back driveway. 

Sleepovers were rare, and despite popular gossip, I didn’t fuck all the guys at once and we definitely didn’t have orgies. For god’s sake, we’re eighteen and I’d just lost my virginity six months before. Sure, I was more comfortable with myself now, but four guys at once? Nope. Not happening. What people didn’t get was that my relationship with all the guys was an individual one as well as a group. What happened in one bedroom wasn’t discussed together. And the truth was that even though I was really close with each of them, I hadn’t had sex with anyone but Anderson.

That was something I hoped to remedy soon.

Despite the raging hormones and increased tension, we made a rule that when we’re all together it was nothing more than a hangout. With snuggling. And usually a shit-ton of food because my boys eat like the world may run out tomorrow.

Jackson met me at the door, taking my bag from my hand. 

“Hey babe,” he said, leaning in for a quick kiss. Behind him was the usual set up. Bags of snacks littered across the coffee table, despite the fact they just ate at my house. Hayden and Oliver were involved in an intense video game (I guess. Seriously, I couldn’t keep up.), while Anderson lounged on the couch and scrolled through his phone. He looked up when I entered and winked.

It was a relief to be here with them like this, but also hard since I knew it was probably the last time before we all left for school. Anderson was right. I didn’t like change—not at all—and I felt the shadow of anxiety tickling at the back of my mind.

“You’ve got to see this,” Jackson said, pulling me into the house. I followed him across the living room to Oliver’s bedroom. The bed itself was gone.

“What is this?” I asked, processing the room. The whole floor was covered in pillows and blankets. Er, maybe I’d been wrong about that orgy thing.

Jackson dropped my bag on the floor and slipped his arms around my waist, pulling me close. “Oliver did it. He wanted a way for us to all be close before we head off to school. It’s a big change for all of us. Hayden’ll be in full training for his fall season once he gets there. Anderson’s swim season never ends, and Oliver and I will be in the thick of it with the baseball team.”

I looked over his shoulder and saw the others. Hayden dropped his controller and jumped on Anderson’s back. Oliver shouted for them to stop being so rough, but he barreled toward them, knocking both guys to the ground. I couldn’t help but laugh at their silly horseplay and I didn’t miss the wistful glint in Jackson’s eye. 

Change sucked and an intense shudder of anxiety gripped me.

“Heaven,” Anderson said, escaping Hayden’s grip. “Are you okay? Is it what you wanted to talk to us about?”

Their eyes lit up and every one of them focused on me. Here was my chance to let them know I was ready for more with them. I wanted to step outside the box, but all of that seemed stupid in light of my father coming back and the change ahead.

I felt the noose tightening about my neck.

“Is it your dad?” Oliver asked.

They had to know the truth—or some of it. I walked into the middle of the bedding and sat down, gesturing for them to follow.

“I need to tell you something.” My hands shook and Hayden took one in his own to settle me. 

Jackson touched my back. “Babe, you can tell us anything.”

No, I couldn’t, but they had to know enough to stay safe. “So, here’s the thing, my dad is…pretty charismatic.”

“He’s a preacher, right?”

“He is, an evangelist and also a crook. When I was ten he was busted for stealing money from the church in Oceanside. He had a drug addiction and a whole heap of bad habits.”

“Holy shit,” Jackson said.

“The church agreed not to press charges if he joined their prison mission team, which involved traveling around the country preaching in prisons and to the less fortunate.”

Hayden’s eyebrows shot up. “Prisons? Like Johnny Cash.”

“Shut up, dude,” Anderson said, smacking him on the arm. 

“I wish. No, he’s nothing more than a petty thief and a con-man. He grew up in the oppressively religious town of Oceanside, and since the church covered for him and it appeared as though he left me and my mom, the town assumed we were the sinners. That’s why we moved to Allendale.” I took a deep breath. “I had no idea he was back. I doubt my mom knew either, until he showed up.”

“Wow, that’s pretty intense,” Oliver said. “Why didn’t you tell us about any of this?”

I shook my head, fighting back tears. “Because it’s embarrassing and weird. I grew up with a lot of rules and shame was a common punishment. You guys were so different. So accepting. I didn’t want to drag my past into our relationship.”

Jackson spoke up. “He seemed excited to see you and he’s taken an interest with school and everything. That can’t be bad.”

“My father has a way of manipulating people—things—and situations. He’s very controlling. He believes in one set of rules for the women in his life and a whole other for himself.”

“You’re afraid he’ll find out about us?” 

And what he’d do to me or them if he found out. 

I nodded. “We can’t let him find out. And you can’t engage him, do you understand? If he shows up asking for a favor or offers you a job of any kind, say no.”

Anderson’s forehead creased. “Heaven, is he dangerous?”

Physically, no. Emotionally…

His green eyes held mine and I had no doubt he understood me. He grabbed my free hand and said, “If you want us to stay clear of him, that’s fine. We can do that. And as much as none of us want to hide our relationship, we’d already decided to take things slow at school. None of us want you to go through the stuff that happened at Allendale.”

“Yep,” Oliver agreed. “We’re just your amazing group of BFFs that, you know, can’t keep our hands off of you.”

“Thank you. I hate dragging you into anything involving him or my family.”

“Babe, you are our family,” Jackson replied.

Hayden leaned over and kissed my ear, sending a chill down my spine that replaced the anxiety with something different—better. We’d get through this like we’ve managed every other obstacle over the past year.

Together.