Chapter One
Everything in my life is bright and shiny except the wall. It’s like a dark cloud in an otherwise clear sky, foreboding. Terrifying. No matter how hard I try to ignore its existence as I run, I can’t focus on anything but the gray bricks blocking out the rest of the world. No matter how many times I’m told the wall is here for my protection – and no matter how much I want to believe it’s true – the existence of the wall still feels wrong. It makes me feel trapped rather than safe. Cornered. Out of control.
Just like the future does.
It hasn’t always been like that, though. I used to be content. Used to go through the motions of daily life like everyone around me. Not questioning. Not worrying. Things are different now, and I find myself changing with them – no matter how much I don’t want to – and the wall I’ve always taken for granted has become some kind of symbol for my life.
I want things to go back the way they were.
I suck a deep breath in through my nose and focus on the pounding of my feet against the pavement, hoping to block out both the existence of the wall as well as what’s looming on the horizon of my life. My twentieth birthday. When I become an adult. When my future is decided.
Forgetting is an impossible task.
I know I need to be heading back, but I’m not ready, so instead I keep going. Pumping my legs harder, concentrating on the thud of my feet. It vibrates up my legs and torso, and it echoes through my head, transforming into two words that repeat themselves over and over in my brain.
Three-months. Three-months. Three-months.
Somehow, twenty snuck up on me, but in three months, it will be here, and between now and then, everything about my life is going to change. It’s all I’ve been able to think about lately, but unlike my friends, I’m not looking forward to the changes, and I don’t know what it is about me that’s so different from everyone else. Twenty should be a time of celebration. I’ll attend the Aging Up Ceremony that will mark the occasion and be matched with my ideal mate – assuming I’m deemed genetically fit – and move to an apartment with my mate, eventually starting a family.
But I’m not looking forward to the changes, and no matter what I do, I can’t force myself to be anything but terrified.
I pump my legs faster, ignoring the ache in my calves as I run past buildings and citizens going about their daily routines. Most wear the gray uniforms that distinguish them as Protectors, but the others are dressed like me. Simple black pants that are both breathable and stretchable for maximum comfort, and blue tops. It’s mid-February, and despite the chill clinging to the air, the sunshine is warm, but still several people wear the lightweight jackets the Society issues us – also blue. Dressing the same is supposed to encourage unity, supposed to show we’re equal, but it just makes me feel like a clone. One of many, all of us on the same path with no way to escape.
By the time I reach the wall, my shirt is clinging to my back. I stop and bend over, steadying myself by placing my hands on my knees as I suck in mouthful after mouthful of air. My legs tremble from the physical exertion, or maybe it’s from the knowledge that my future is suddenly in front of me, ready and waiting while I’m still clinging to the past.
When my breathing has slowed, I straighten and tilt my head back, staring up at the wall towering over me. It isn’t really that high when you think about everything it has kept out – only fifteen feet – but it feels like a force of nature. Like it wants to crush me. Like it has me caught in a web and will never let me go.
My Wristband dings, and my stomach drops while my heart jumps to my throat. I look down even though I know what it’s going to tell me. A green number ten flashes across the small screen, informing me I only have ten minutes until I have to be at the Teen Center. I’m not ready, but I turn my back to the wall and once again start running. Being late isn’t an option. Not now. Not ever.
I jog back the way I came. A pang of nerves and anxiety hit when I pass the girls’ neighborhood, making me wish I could run home and hide in my room. I don’t give in to the desire, but I do slow a little. As if I can somehow put off what comes next. I can’t. Nothing can, just like there’s nothing I can do to control my life. In my world, all control belongs to the Society. It’s something I’ve just recently come to realize, and now that I have, I can’t stop thinking about it.
A five-minute warning dings from my Wristband just as I reach the middle of the colony. The Teen Center is in sight, but that doesn’t stop me from pumping my legs faster. Dozens of teenagers are already heading inside, their chatter and laughter loud enough that it reaches my ears even over the thud of my footsteps and pounding of my heart. The lighthearted sounds don’t ease the tension inside me. Not even the sight of my best friend waiting outside the door can do that.
Annalise arches an eyebrow when I stop in front of her, her expression of disapproval almost comforting because it’s so familiar. “Of all the days to go for a run. Really, Drea, it isn’t like today won’t determine the rest of your life or anything.”
At her mention of what we’re facing, I break out in a sweat that has nothing to do with the run. Our schedule, usually so regimented, has been upended. Twisted to fit in the tests every citizen has to take before they turn twenty. They determine everything. What career we’ll be placed in, if we’re healthy enough to procreate, as well as who our future mate will be – or if we’ll even get one. It’s that last thing that has me so torn lately. Part of me hopes I turn out to be genetically unfit, so I won’t have to face what happens once I’m matched with my ideal mate. I wouldn’t have a mate.
Then I come to my senses and realize what that would really mean. I’d be a Protector. A genetically unfit member of the community whose sole purpose is to make sure citizens are well adjusted and maintaining the proper schedule. It’s the lowest position we have – even though we’re equals. The contradiction isn’t lost on me.
I force out a laugh, so Annalise doesn’t know how unsure I am. “Running helps me calm down.”
Her blue eyes rake over me, her nose wrinkling, and I brace myself for the lecture she’s about to give. With testing day looming, that expression has become more and more routine. But so have my afternoon runs, and every time I show up at the Teen Center looking like a sweaty mess, Annalise feels obligated to grace me with a lecture about how I’m never going to find a mate if I look like a slob.
She puckers her full lips into one of her perfect Annalise pouts, revealing her dimples. “You know if you don’t find someone, the Society will just assign you a mate, right?”
It’s a different lecture than usual, reminding me that it’s almost too late for me to make a good impression. In less than two minutes, we’ll be sitting down to take our tests, which will continue tomorrow. Today is the first of two chances to choose my own mate. After that, one will be selected for me based on genetics and who’s still available.
I’ve reached the finish line I’ve spent the last nineteen years preparing for, only I’m not the least bit ready to cross it.
My heart thumps erratically, and I kneel and stretch my leg muscles, so she can’t see the panic on my face. “I know.”
“Don’t you want to have a say in your future?” The disbelief in Annalise’s voice is thick and grating, but my head is still down, and I can’t see her expression.
“Of course, I do.”
The truth is, I don’t think any of us really have a say in our futures. Even if some pathetic guy has decided he likes the girl who shows up to the Teen Center sweaty and messy every day, there’s no guarantee we’ll be a genetic fit. Just like there’s no guarantee my scores on this test will match me with the job I request. It’s all arranged by the Society to fit the community’s needs, and I don’t get why other people can’t see what has become so obvious to me.
My Wristband dings at the exact same time as the one Annalise and everyone else in our age group wears. We’re not alone, though, since other age groups have schedules similar to ours, and it’s almost like the sound practically echoes through the colony. Doors to most of the surrounding buildings open, and people pour out, heading to their next destination. Their schedules are based on their age groups, but there’s little variation. Some people have just completed their work hours while others have finished lectures. No one is without a schedule. When our Wristbands ding, we go where we’re supposed to go. We do as we’re told, all of us working together like a finely tuned machine in order to keep the community moving forward in perfect harmony. At least that’s what we’re told.
“Drea,” Annalise snaps.
When I look her way, she’s already headed for the door of the Teen Center. Another ding sounds – a warning generated because I’m not inside the building – and she shakes her head like she can’t figure out why I haven’t moved. I take a step but pause, wondering what will happen if I’m not in the building when I’m supposed to be.
“It’s time for the test,” Annalise says.
Her eyes are wide, and she seems almost panicked by the idea that I might be out here when I’m supposed to be in there, and I get it. It’s what we do. What we’ve always done for as long as any of us can remember. Our Wristbands ding, and we fall in line. We aren’t late. We get a five-minute warning to avoid just that. When we’re supposed to be someplace, we go.
Annalise steps through the door, and the scanner beeps as it registers her Wristband. Somewhere in the colony, her time is logged and filed away so the Society knows she’s keeping her schedule – although I don’t know who it goes to. She stays in the doorway, watching me. Waiting for me to fall in line.
I take another step just as another ding sounds. Annalise’s eyes grow wider, and she looks past me as if half expecting some kind of catastrophe to occur if I don’t make it through the door on time. I can’t help thinking she’s right, because it feels so wrong to be standing here when I know I should be inside the building. I’ve never been late in my life. Never pushed the boundaries like this, but for some reason, I can’t make myself step through that door.
My heart thumps harder as I take another step forward, but I stop right outside the door. Annalise has her blue eyes trained on me, and I hold my breath, waiting to learn what will happen. It seems to take forever, and when my Wristband begins to vibrate, my heart threatens to stop. I look at the display and see that I’m officially late, then tense. Waiting. Wondering.
Nothing happens.
I hold my breath, count to five. Still, life doesn’t change. Nothing explodes, and no one dies. Everything feels exactly the same.
I step through the door, and my Wristband beeps, and I know that somewhere in some building it’s been recorded that I was late to the Teen Center.
Annalise’s mouth is scrunched up, but she doesn’t speak until she’s started walking. “What the hell was that?”
“I was just curious,” I say, shrugging as if my insides don’t feel like they’re full of bugs that are slowly eating my stomach.
“Honestly,” she says as she heads past the younger teens to the back of the center where the testing room is, “sometimes, I just don’t understand you. You don’t seem to care about finding a mate or what career you might get, and you act like you couldn’t care less about the Aging Up Ceremony. And now you’re late for the test. It’s like you’re from a different world.”
We walk through the door of the testing room where the other nineteen-year-olds are already gathered. The air is full of excited chatter, but I hang back, trying my best to disappear behind Annalise as she pushes her way through the crowd. The energy buzzing through the air makes no sense to me, but the expressions on the faces of everyone we pass tells me I’m pretty much alone in my confusion. The rest of the teens act like they can’t wait to have their whole lives mapped out, while all I want to do is leave or at the very least freeze time.
Boys say hi and wave to Annalise as we walk by, and she rewards each and every one of them with a flirtatious smile. Something I would never have the nerve to do. She and I are so different, yet she’s been my best friend for so long that I can’t remember a time when she wasn’t in my life.
At the front of the room, the Protectors in charge of administering the tests are gathered, and the sight of them makes me break out in a sweat all over again. Tables have been set up across the room, and a Datapad sits in front of each chair, but no one has taken a seat yet. They’re too busy talking and wondering about the results of the test we’re about to take. Too busy imagining a future that’s bright and shiny just like the colony is, somehow overlooking the gray shadow the wall casts over everything. Somehow missing that their lives are not their own.
“Annalise,” a deep, male voice echoes through the room.
We turn as Janus Cauffield pushes through the crowd and heads our way. Annalise flashes him one of her most charming smiles, and when a few other boys follow, my stomach twists into knots. Even after almost six years of mixed socializing, I can’t relax. Social time has never been my thing, and I was so nervous the morning of my first day at the Teen Center that I actually threw up. At least I’ve gotten past that.
All four boys are staring at Annalise when they stop in front of us, acting like the Society created her specifically for them. The desire in their expressions is so blatant it makes my stomach turn inside out and my face burn with shame. I should be used to the looks by now, but I can’t be.
Annalise is the walking definition of beauty. She’s tall and slender, but in the perfect way that makes her look feminine and elegant. Her soft curves sway with every move she makes, and her dark hair swishes behind her like it’s dancing. Her blue eyes are strikingly pale and bright at the same time, lighting up her face and her perfectly delicate features. It’s one of the reasons I’ve clung to our friendship so hard. It’s easy to disappear when Annalise is at my side.
Ugly isn’t how I would describe myself, and I might even go so far as to say I’m cute, but I look younger than someone creeping toward their twentieth birthday. My brain is the real issue. I never really fit in anywhere, and no matter what I do, I can’t stop from wondering what looms beyond the wall of our colony or why everything we do has to be so perfectly planned and timed. It makes me an oddball in a world where everything is provided for us and everyone is happy. The Society is here to take care of me. They give me everything I need and do whatever they can to make sure I’m happy and healthy. That’s what the tests are for, to make sure the perfect future is selected for me, so I don’t have to struggle or live with the regret of making poor decisions.
That’s what I’ve always been told, anyway. Too bad it doesn’t feel that way.
“Where have you been?” Janus stands so close to Annalise it’s impossible to miss his intent. He’s staking his claim, letting everyone in our age group know she’s his. He’s a whole head taller than she is, but so broad he looks even bigger. He flicks his blond hair off his forehead as his dark brown eyes go over her in a way that makes me wish I was anywhere else. “The test will be starting any second.”
“I was waiting for Drea.” Annalise tilts her head toward me. “She went for a run.”
Janus glances at me like he just noticed I exist and flashes me a half-hearted smile. “Oh, right.”
I’m sure half the boys in our class will be typing Annalise’s name today, but Janus is the most blatant about his intentions. She’s been playing it cool, though, and she hasn’t even told me who she’s going to choose, but I have no doubt it will be him. Janus is the most popular boy in our age group, and Annalise loves to win.
Of course, she won’t know if they’re a genetic match until after the tests are finished, so even if she does type his name into the Datapad today, it means nothing in the long run. Just like none of the hours we’ve spent at the Teen Center really do. It’s all for show. All so we think we have a say in what happens to us. How is that not obvious to the rest of the population?
Dozens of Wristbands ding at the exact same time, and the chatter dies away. At the front of the room, the Protectors watch as everyone files to their assigned seats, the boys on one side and the girls on the other. Annalise grabs my hand just before we part ways and gives it a squeeze. Her smile is full of excitement, but I don’t return it, and with each step I take toward my assigned place at the back of the room, my stomach feels even more alive.
I slide into a chair next to Ellette Wade, my legs shaking so much I’m thankful for the chair. Like me, she isn’t smiling, and her morose expression seems to stand out among the smiling faces in the room.
I know the names of each and every person here, but I haven’t said more than three words to most of them. I grew up with the girls, starting with our time at the Children’s Center when we were toddlers and moving on to the Education Center when we got older. The boys came later since we aren’t allowed to interact until the age of fourteen, and only in the Teen Center, but for the past six years, they’ve been a fixture in my daily life.
Everyone in this group will be forever linked by our birthdays. No matter what this test tells us, that’s how it will always be. We’ll have the same number of children, and like us, they’ll all share birthdays. We’ll raise them side by side until they turn twenty and become adults, and when they’re assigned mates, it will be from the same pool of kids they grew up with. Just like us. There will be no surprises for them, no deviation from the plans the Society has set out. Just like us, there will be an equal number of boys and girls, and from the day they’re born, they will exist in a bubble until they reach their scripted end at the age of sixty-five.
I scan the faces of my peers as the Protector goes over last-minute instructions. Smile after smile swims across my vision, only broken up by the occasional frown. Ellette is one, and Ransom Nolan is another. He’s one of the few boys I’ve actually taken the time to get to know because, like me, he’s quiet and doesn’t push me to talk. He and I end up spending a lot of time together while Annalise and Janus flirt, and he never makes me feel awkward or uncomfortable, which I appreciate. I’d even go so far as to consider him a friend, but a possible mate?
I try to imagine Ransom in that role. My mate. The person I share a bed with. Father to my child or children – depending on what we’re told to do – and shiver. It’s impossible.
My gaze lands on Jerrick Carter just as he looks over his shoulder, and our eyes meet. My insides stir like a million butterflies are flapping their wings in unison as they search for an escape. He’s possibly the only person in our age group who’s even more of a loner than I am. In fact, the only person I’ve ever seen him have an actual conversation with is Ransom. I’ve heard they’re neighbors, but I wouldn’t know since girls and boys live in different neighborhoods and visiting each other is strictly forbidden.
Jerrick doesn’t look away, not even when our Wristbands ding again and the Protector tells us we can begin the test. All around the room our peers turn on their Datapads, but I’m frozen in place, mesmerized by Jerrick Carter’s intense gray eyes. A shiver moves through me
He. Is. So. Gorgeous.
Is he thinking of putting my name down today?
Heat crawls up my neck to my cheeks at the thought, and I finally look away.
Don’t be an idiot, I tell myself. There’s no way that would ever happen.
No one in this room is going to be typing my name today. I know that for sure. I have no clue who I’ll end up with, but whoever it is, it will be a genetic match, not someone who actually wants to be with me. Which is fine, because I don’t want to be with any of them, either. Not that I have a choice in the matter.
When I pick up my Datapad, I expect it to feel as if it weighs a hundred pounds. The test programmed into it will determine my whole life, and it doesn’t make sense for the device to be so light. It should feel like it’s made from lead, like it’s carrying the weight of the world, or at the very least, the weight of my life. But it doesn’t.
I press the power button, and the screen lights up. Already I’m sweating, but I make it through the first twenty questions with no problem. It starts with basic stuff, but I know it will get harder the farther I get into the test, leading up to the final and most difficult question. The one that’s kept me up night after excruciating night lately.
I finish the math section and move on to science, breezing through both. The social questions are more difficult to answer since I’ve never been a person who enjoyed my time at the Teen Center, and the history of the Society makes me squirm, but only because I struggle to stick with the stock answers when I want so badly want to type in my own opinions. But, like a good citizen and member of the community, I don’t deviate from what I’ve been taught.
I’m halfway through the last section, ethics, when the first person finishes. I don’t pay enough attention to see who it is, but when a second person stands, I lift my head. Kyla Moore, who lives three houses down from me, hands her Datapad to the Protector and heads to the back of the room. I watch until she’s disappeared through the door, then return to my test. Five minutes later, Ellette gets to her feet. After that, there’s a steady succession of people, so that by the time I reach the final two questions, there are only three of us left.
What is your ideal career?
The answer I type into the box, combined with my scores on the test and the personal interview that will take place in a month and a half, will match me with my perfect career. Meaning, the decision isn’t really mine to make. Which is why I consider my answer very little before typing horticulture and hitting enter.
The screen changes, and the last questions screams up at me. Who is your ideal mate?
I stare at my Datapad, reading the words over and over like I can change them. The blank box taunts me, but it’s nothing compared to the words under it.
This is the only question on the test that’s optional. Each citizen will receive a second chance to submit a request before the Aging Up Ceremony, but this is your opportunity to be matched early. Please note that if you do not put in a request, you will be paired with your best genetic match.
While the Society does its best to accommodate all requests, matches cannot be guaranteed. Any citizen who is found to be genetically unfit will assume the role of a Protector and serve the Society that way. Thank you for being the best citizen you can be.
I read the words one final time before hitting the button at the bottom of the screen that says End Test. The screen flickers, then changes, and the word Congratulations pops up. It doesn’t feel like I’ve done anything good, though.
When I leave the testing room, all I want to do is go for another run, but my exercise time is over for the day. The test has screwed up our normal schedule, which would be a welcome change if it wasn’t for the tests. Tomorrow we’ll go to the Health Center for the next round of tests. Now, though, it’s time for community time. I can’t think of much I’d rather do less.
“How’d you do?” Annalise pops up beside me with a huge grin on her face.
“Fine.” I shrug. “About how I expected.”
She presses her lips together and the disappointment in her eyes is so clear, I find myself wondering if our friendship isn’t another product of the Society. We have so little in common, and yet we’ve done everything together for as long as I can remember.
Annalise tilts her head, making her dark hair fall over her forehead and covering half her eye. “What about the last question? What did you put?”
“What do you think?” I ask, having to resist the urge to roll my eyes.
“Seriously, Drea?” My best friend shakes her head either in disgust or disbelief. Maybe both. “I can’t believe you. I thought you’d at least put Ransom down. You guys seem to get along okay.”
“Just because we get along doesn’t mean I want to spend the rest of my life with him,” I point out.
“But the alternative is to have the Society match you with someone. You’ll have no say in who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. That’s seriously what you want?”
I ignore question and turn the conversation around so she’s the focus of it, not me. “What about you? Who did you put?”
“Janus.” Annalise’s face breaks out in a smile, all my transgressions forgotten with that one question. “Even better, after the test, he told me that he put my name down, too.”
Of course, he did.
“Looks like everything is going to work out perfectly,” I say. “Assuming you’re a genetic match.”
“We’re all healthy.” Annalise’s tone is light. Unconcerned. “I can’t see why we wouldn’t be a match.”
I almost point out that she doesn’t know a thing about genetics but decide against it. There’s really no point in disagreeing with her, not when she has her mind made up.
Annalise grabs my arm and starts walking. “It’s community time.”
I allow her to pull me with her.
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