Christa sat on the edge of her bed, her finger sticking into the bed sheets and mattress. She rocked back and forth a little bit, her head hanging down as tears coursed down her cheeks and upon her knees. The thought occurred to her that at any given moment she could simply let go of the mattress, take a running start—even on her bad leg—toward the window, take a dive, and fling herself headfirst into the ground below. Certainly, maybe it would be shameful, even painful, but at least this madness would end.
And really, why not?
After all, she had just chased her husband out of the house. She didn’t even mean to—not really. Or did she? She wasn’t even sure herself anymore. And Jewel, the one she’d rather have left the house, was probably still in her room somewhere, laughing at her.
She had failed this family. And she’d lost control of herself in order to do it. She just went wild, became verbally aggressive, and mean.
Christa had been working so hard at not allowing anything like this to happen. Because if she’d known, if she did lose her temper or became enraged, then it was all for nothing.
What was it all for? she asked herself in misery. Why did she have pills? Why did she go to therapy? Why was she recuperating from this accident if she was just going to blow everything up in one afternoon over a TV show? What was the point of it all?
What was the point of anything anymore?
She heard a knocking at the door. For a moment, she hoped it was Ben. Then she was scared that it was Ben. Then she told herself Ben probably wouldn’t knock.
“Hey, Mom?”
It was Patsy. Christa felt a wave of relief.
“Can I come in?”
Who else would ask that? It made Christa smile a little through her tears.
Christa wiped away her tears, trying to clean up her face, even though she knew that in all likelihood, Patsy would notice that her eyes were redder than her cheeks. “Yes, come in,” Christa finally said.
The door slowly opened, and Patsy gingerly stepped in. Then Christa nearly fell apart again as she watched Patsy’s expression turn from worried curiosity to complete emotional sympathy just at the sight of her. It looked like Patsy was about to cry with her.
Christa was supposed to be consoling Patsy during a crisis, not the other way around.
Her daughter ran over, sat down on the bed next to her, and put her arms around Christa’s neck, giving her a very warm and very tight hug.
“I’m fine, Patsy,” Christa whispered, stroking her daughter’s hair. “Are you okay, baby girl? I hope I didn’t scare you. I’m so sorry if I did.”
“Am I ok?” Patsy asked, looking at her mother with surprise. “Mom, are you okay? You looked like that took everything out of you, like you were gonna pass out and fall over!”
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