Some women meet monthly for book clubs. But it’s tedious being forced to read the latest literary masterpiece a friend has chosen when I’d rather have my nose stuck in a steamy romance, so I instigated a gardening club. Not the kind where Claire, Elly and I weed or prune or plant. It’s more the kind of club that takes place in a garden; with wine, and cheese.
Besides, the thought of my glamorous friend Elly doing anything as menial as gardening is laughable and Claire’s far too busy chasing bad guys to mulch. I asked them once, if they’d like to actually garden when they came over. They’d declared me certifiably insane.
So, we sit under the towering oak in the far corner of my perfectly maintained garden sipping sublime Chardonnay, nibbling on imported Camembert and discussing our lives in Gledhill.
People may envy us, living in the Hamptons: the beaches, the mansions, the restaurants, and enough celebrity sightings to keep things interesting. Considering my past I never take it for granted that I’m now residing in this idyllic location in my eight-bedroom, four-bathroom Colonial, complete with pool-house and tennis court. Avery and I worked hard to get where we are. We deserve to enjoy the spoils.
Not everyone feels the same way. I see how some of the less privileged townsfolk look at me: sly, covetous glances that judge me for living a privileged life. They choose not to see through my fragile façade to the uncertain woman beneath. They don’t know how I’ve clawed my way to the life I now enjoy.
I don’t like being found lacking by anybody, so I volunteer. A lot. I deliver meals to the elderly, I spend time at a youth center in Montauk, I man a stall at the monthly market and I raise money for local charities. The generosity of my fellow Hampton inhabitants is legendary. They have money to spare.
But no matter how much I give back to my community I feel guilty somehow. Silly, because I work and I contribute. It’s never enough.
“Sorry I’m late.” Claire steps onto the back patio, a store-bought carrot cake in one hand and a Shiraz in the other. “Got caught up at work. I had to finish a stack of paperwork after that multi on the highway outside Greenport last night.”
“Don’t worry, Elly’s not here yet.”
She’ll make a grand entrance as usual, craving attention, flaunting her freedom, making Claire and me feel like old married crones. And I do feel like a crone. Any woman would next to the perfection that is Avery Thurston. I chose this life. I knew what I was getting into when I married him. It doesn’t make the reality any easier.
My life is like one of those cheap snow globes my twins collected when they were younger. Shiny and pretty on the outside, blurred beyond recognition when shaken.
Quashing my residual bitterness, I gesture at the table set up near the balustrade, covered in the usual nibbles I set out: crackers, cheese, antipasto, dips and crudités. “I thought we could eat up here for a change?”
“Sure.” Claire places the bottle of wine and cake on the table then gives me a peck on the cheek. “Let’s go wild, shake things up a little.”
I smile, shooting Claire a quick look. She sounds odd, her voice a tad high, like something’s bothering her. Highly unusual, considering Claire is the calm one among us. Nothing ever ruffles her. Her ability to stay detached from unpleasantness makes her an excellent cop. As a friend, her cool logic has defused many a tense moment. We’ve had a few of those after what Elly went through last year.
“Everything okay?”
She nods, but I see a glimmer of wariness in her eyes. “Nothing a good sugar fix won’t cure.”
All isn’t right in my friend’s ordered world. Claire is a health freak: high protein, low carbs, minimal sugar. She always brings cake but never eats it. The mother in me always wants to fatten up her and Elly, to encourage them to indulge without fear. I’d known that fear once but in my case it had been fear of starvation. My mom had never cared what I ate; when she’d been home, that is. Surviving on TV dinners and snacks I could scrounge ensured I plied my own kids with food from the time they could ingest solids.
No child of mine would ever know the gnawing hunger that makes a belly ache, the feeling of emptiness that expanded daily until it consumed you, the constant disappointment of a parent not giving a damn.
I know Claire and Elly abstain from sugary treats because of the inevitable terror women face when standing on the scales and seeing those digital pounds tick over. So I don’t shove food down their throats like I want to. They’ll discover soon enough that with age comes curves, no matter how many choc chip cookies they forego. Metabolism’s a bitch.
“So cake before wine then?”
She holds up two fingers. “Give me a double of both.”
Another sign Claire’s rattled: she flops into a deckchair rather than helping me. Claire’s a doer, always at hand to assist when needed.
Fate brought us together when she’d been transferred to the Hamptons two years ago and attended a botched burglary six months later at the halfway house where I volunteered. I’m good at reading people and knew instantly Claire cared beyond her job. She’d lingered longer than the other cops, had taken the time to ensure the battered women and the homeless street kids at the shelter felt safe by offering reassurance and exuding a quiet calm. She’d impressed me that night, exhibiting empathy beyond duty and I instinctively knew that Claire working the Gledhill beat was the NYPD’s loss.
On impulse I’d asked her out for coffee after her shift ended and we’d met Elly the same day. We’d both needed something stronger after the long hours calming terrified women at the shelter so we’d swapped coffee for martinis at a bar and Elly had been there, alone.
Elly wasn’t the type of woman I’d normally befriend. Stunning on the surface, from her designer shoes to her flawless make-up, wearing her sexuality like a killer outfit. But the eyes never lie and I knew, with the instinct of dealing with fragile women for years, that Elly’s overt beauty hid a brittleness she strove to hide. She’d flicked a disparaging glance at me and I’d glimpsed how forlorn she’d been, radiating a palpable loneliness, so I couldn’t help myself. We’ve been friends ever since.
Avery teases me about my rescue complex. Helping others makes me feel good in a way I haven’t felt since Trish and Terry left for college two years ago. The girls are my world and that world semi-imploded the day they’d shipped off to UCLA without a backward glance.
Empty nest syndrome my ass. Try empty house, empty heart. I’d pined for a week before Avery had snapped and even I’d grown sick of myself. I found a job the next day. Initially as a volunteer at the halfway house and six months later, as a paid social worker for the Gledhill Help Center. I never let my registration lapse even when I’d been a full-time mom, and returning to my profession gave me a renewed sense of purpose.
If my kids don’t need me, other people do. I like being needed. I crave it, like addicts crave their next fix. Without it, I have too much time to think, to analyze.
I don’t like doing that.
“Hey, ladies, what’s happening?” Elly sashays onto the patio and places her usual offering – a bottle of French champagne – on the table.
She’s wearing a magenta strapless sundress that’s bold and glamorous. Her wild, curly, blonde hair is styled into a fancy chignon, her make-up is perfect, her cat-like green eyes are bright, and her nude wedges add another four inches onto her average height. She looks like she’s stepped off the pages of a glossy mag and I experience the inevitable twinge of envy. If I didn’t like her so much I’d hate her. But we’ve been through a lot together. When Elly needed me I was there for her and while we never talk of that awful night, I remember when my friend fell apart and my heart broke for her.
“We’re about to consume our body weight in alcohol.” Claire stands and crosses to the table. “What are we drinking first, ladies?”
“Champagne,” Elly says, at the same time I say, “Shiraz.”
Elly wrinkles her nose. “You and your fancy-schmancy red wine.”
Claire shoots her a glare and uncorks the wine. “Quit your moaning and pass your glass.”
“Why are we up here anyway?” Elly glances around, her gaze drifting to our usual spot at the end of the garden. “I like being under that oak. It gives me a perfect view of that hot gardener next door.”
Claire rolls her eyes and I laugh. Claire has a low tolerance for Elly’s sexploits. Not that she dates a lot but when she does she regales us with exaggerated saucy tales. I don’t mind. Being married for almost twenty-one years leaves no surprises. Not that Avery still isn’t attractive: at fifty-two, he’s sexier than most men his age, in that classic tall, dark and handsome way. Women’s heads turn when Avery strides past. Even after knowing him for twenty-two years, I wonder what he sees in me. I’m tall and slim with unusual hazel eyes but my particular shade of brunette comes from a bottle and I work like a maniac at maintaining my figure.
“Here you go.” I hand Elly a glass of Napa’s finest red. “It’s the gardener’s day off so I thought we’d stay up here for a change.”
Elly pretends to pout. “Is Ryan home then? I need some eye candy.”
Another thing about Avery that bugs me: his younger brother Ryan lives next door and despite the eighteen months’ age difference they’re like twins joined by some weird symbiotic bond. They’re charming, charismatic and self-absorbed, with a penchant for pushing boundaries.
Ever since I’ve known them Ryan has taken advantage of Avery: borrowing money and using him to get him out of scrapes initially, muscling his way into a managerial position in Avery’s company later. I’m used to Ryan waltzing into our house any time of day or night, usually to ask Avery for another ‘favor’. He’s like an overgrown child and I treat him like the son I never had. Everyone loves Ryan. Pity I don’t feel the same about his wife, Maggie.
“Ryan’s always around. Though with Avery in Manhattan on business for a couple of days, maybe he’ll make himself scarce.”
I’d never admit it to anyone but I like the fact my industrious CEO husband travels a lot for work. I like having the house to myself. It takes the pressure off. Avery has a high libido and mine is non-existent. On the rare occasion our schedules coincide for a quickie in the bedroom we’re rote and lackluster. He’s a busy man, I’m a tired woman. Like most parents our sex lives dwindled after the twins arrived and I’d dreaded picking up after the girls left for college.
These days, Avery touches me occasionally in the hope it leads to sex and I either laugh off his overtures or feign interest. If we actually do the deed, I inevitably fake it. He never notices. Avery rarely notices anything beyond his own insular world where he resides at the center.
“Damn. So all I have to look at is you two?” Elly snorts in mock disgust and sips her wine, shooting me a wink that’s endearing.
I chuckle but Claire doesn’t join in. She stares into her wine like it holds some great secret.
“What’s up with you?” Elly leans forward and taps Claire on the knee.
Surprisingly, it takes Claire a few seconds to realize we’re both staring at her and as I wait for her to answer, unease gnaws at my gut. Claire normally begins gardening club chatting about work; she loves regaling us with gory cop stories but she’s hardly said a word, has drained her first glass of wine and is halfway through her second.
She swirls her wine absentmindedly. “You don’t want to hear my sorry ass news.”
“Yes, we do.” I pull my chair closer, leaving enough room so she won’t feel crowded. “You haven’t taunted either of us once so something’s definitely up.”
Claire sighs and Elly shoots me a confused look. I give a slight shake of my head, indicating we need to give her time.
After several more swirls of her wine glass, Claire finally looks up and I know what she’s about to say is bad, really bad. She never cries and she’s blinking rapidly.
I reach out but she scoots back as if my touch will unravel her completely. “Honey, what’s wrong—”
“Dane and I can’t have kids…” She trails off, her voice so soft that at first I wonder if I’ve misheard. But when she stifles a sob and murmurs, “He’s infertile,” I know the news is as bad as I first thought.
Claire is inherently a giver. Giving her dedication to the force, giving herself to Dane. She has a lot of love to give to a child and from a few hints she’s dropped over the last year I assume they’ve been trying.
Now this. I can’t imagine my world without my twins and to see how shattered Claire is over her inability to have kids with Dane is heartbreaking.
She dashes a hand across her eyes and lifts her chin in mock fierceness, but I see the devastation in her gaze. Claire is a master at being in control at all times but she’s struggling and I wish I could take away her pain.
“I’m sorry, sweetie.” Elly leans over and squeezes Claire’s hand with the kind of caring I know she’s capable of but rarely displays, too busy wearing her impenetrable armor. Claire and I know what’s behind her bravado but we never call her on it. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Not really.” Claire pinches the bridge of her nose and I know she’s staving off tears.
Seeing Claire cry would be as monumentally shocking as witnessing Elly walk down the main street without make-up. Never going to happen. I know why Elly is always so immaculate, why she goes to great lengths to coordinate her outfits with her accessories, why her hair is lustrous and her make-up flawless. Presenting an impeccable front is at complete odds with the night we saw her completely unraveled, a physical and emotional mess.
“You’ve explored all options?” I sound callous, but at times like this I can’t suppress my practical side. It’s usually a strength, finding solutions to unsolvable problems. By the way Claire glares at me, it’s not today.
“We only found out last week.” Claire shakes her head, her brown ponytail skimming her shoulders, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “And the thought of considering options like sperm banks and donors and IVF and injections and adoption freaks me out…” She presses the pads of her fingers to her eyes and Elly makes a slashing action across her neck.
As if I could abandon this conversation without trying to ease Claire’s pain.
“I’ve got contacts in several adoption agencies. And I know a top-notch attorney who facilitates private adoptions without charging a fortune.”
When she doesn’t respond, I add, “I have experience in this field so could speed up the process for you if that’s what you choose to do?”
Claire finally lowers her hands and looks at me. She’s lost the death glare, thankfully. “It’s kind of you to offer but leave it with me for a while, okay?”
Her gratitude is audible, like it’s helped just talking about it and I know I have to do more.
“Sure,” I say, ready to start investigating options for my friend first thing in the morning, just in case. Better to be prepared. A motto I’ve followed my entire life and it hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
Elly holds up the wine bottle. “Top-up?”
“To the brim.” Claire drinks what’s left in her glass then holds it out, her expression grim. “I’ve finally got a week off starting tomorrow, even though I needed it more when we first found out six days ago. But it’s worked out well because I’m still not handling the infertility news and I plan on spending at least half that time drowning my sorrows.”
Elly raises a perfectly shaped brow. Claire rarely drinks more than one glass at our monthly meetings and even less if we go out for dinner. I could lecture her on the futility of consuming alcohol to help solve problems. I don’t. Who am I to talk when I’ve been guilty of the same vice late at night, alone, when the doubts creep in and I’m left wondering if my perfect life isn’t so perfect after all?
I raise my glass and clink it against Claire’s. “To you and Dane.”
Elly winces at my faux cheerfulness but does the same.
Claire says nothing. The devastation in her big brown eyes says it all.
Of course, Ryan chooses that moment to waltz into the backyard like he owns the place. I resent the intrusion because our faux garden club meetings are a great way to de-stress. We usually swap pleasantries at the start – nothing like the bombshell Claire dropped on us today – then Claire talks about work but after a glass or two of wine we really get going. Laughing at inane jokes, gently jibing at each other in self-deprecation, complaining about the men in our lives, gossiping about people we know. We could’ve really done with the distraction today but Ryan’s appearance has circumvented that and for a moment I contemplate sending him home. But I’m never that rude, especially not to family, considering I have none other than the one I married into.
“Hello, lovelies.” He vaults the balustrade surrounding the patio and I’m pretty sure we all sigh in unison.
Ryan has that effect on women. He’s not classically handsome, with that slight bump on his nose and his eyes spaced a tad too far apart, but there’s something about him that draws attention. He’s six-two, fit, with dark wavy hair and blue eyes the same shade as the Atlantic on a summer’s day. Elly had once mentioned the comparison and he’d loved it.
“Can I join this party?” He doesn’t wait for an answer and pulls up a chair. “Hey, gorgeous, can I have a drink? I’m parched.”
I roll my eyes like I always do when he calls me this and gesture at the table. “Help yourself. But one drink and you’re out of here.”
“Heartless.” He clutches his chest in mock indignation, his little boy grin beyond charming.
“That’s not very hospitable,” Elly says, reaching for the Shiraz and pouring a healthy slosh into a glass while her coy smile makes Ryan’s cheeky grin widen. “Here you go, handsome.”
“Thanks.” He raises his glass. “A toast to the three most beautiful women in the Hamptons.”
Claire snorts but at least her eyes have lost that devastating, haunting darkness.
I say, “Don’t let Maggie hear you say that.”
He waves away my dry response. “Maggie’s fine.”
“Is she?” We lock gazes and he knows I’m asking for real answers and not making small talk. “I haven’t seen her in a while.”
For the first time since he arrived, his inherent cheeriness fades. “She’s going through one of her phases.”
I know what that means. She’s hibernating, zealously cleaning the house and throwing out barely used items, frantically culling everything from clothes to kitchen utensils, skipping meals and dosing up on herbal tonics. I learned early on not to interfere when she’s in one of her phases, as Ryan calls her obsession with detoxing. It’s not a medical condition but I often think maybe it should be, she’s that manic with regularly cleansing her life.
Maggie only tolerates me when she wants something and thankfully that’s not very often. We’re not close. Not from lack of trying on my part. I’ve cooked healthy meals for her during her phases, I’ve dropped off groceries, and I’ve included her in my social circle. But there’s always an invisible barrier between us, like she’s ashamed I’ve seen her at her most manic. She doesn’t have to be. I’ve seen it all and then some working at the Help Center.
It must be tough living with her vagaries and I admire Ryan’s patience in dealing with her eccentricities. Then again, Ryan enjoys a lavish lifestyle and thanks to his marriage to Maggie and her trust fund, he has it.
I eyeball Ryan. “Please give her my best and tell her to give me a call if she needs anything.”
Elly, getting bored with our polite family conversation, interrupts. “Whenever Maggie pops into work she’s fine, so let’s stop discussing my boss and move onto more important things.”
She does a cutesy finger wave at Ryan. “Personally, I think this man has excellent taste and if he thinks we’re the most beautiful women in the Hamptons, I believe him.”
Ryan laughs and the usual tension that discussing Maggie elicits dissolves. “What about you, Claire-Bear? You’re awfully quiet.”
Claire doesn’t suffer fools lightly but for some reason she puts up with Ryan’s overt personality. He’s loud, brash and flirtatious but she’s like me, tolerating him with a fondness that borders on indulgence and treating him like a younger brother.
“I’m trying to enjoy my wine by tuning out your bullshit.”
He winces. “Ouch. You wound me, Claire-Bear.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” A small smile plays about her mouth and I’m glad that Ryan dropped in. He’s the perfect antidote to the glumness pervading my friend. “You’ve got a hide like a freaking rhino.”
He half lifts off the seat and pats his ass. “So you’ve been checking out my hide?”
We all laugh as he intends and I catch Ryan’s eye. He has no hope of interpreting my grateful glance and his eyebrow rises. I shrug and he smiles, so much like Avery that for a moment my heart skips. I’m not attracted to Ryan, not in a sexual way, but his personality is so much bigger and brighter than my husband’s that I envy his ease with people.
Whereas my girlfriends love Ryan, they tolerate Avery. Claire’s always wary around him, like she doesn’t quite trust him, and Elly’s interaction with him is muted, which is a sure-fire sign she doesn’t like him.
Avery picks up on their subtle dislike too. He’s always polite but in that reserved way at complete odds with his usual charm with other women. I guess I should be grateful he’s not like Ryan, always pretending to hit on my friends. But where Ryan’s flirtations are harmless, I often wonder if Avery’s flattery toward women holds more intent.
Claire drains her glass far too quickly and stands. She’s unsteady for a moment, clutching at the back of the chair. “I have to go.”
“So soon?” Ryan grabs her hand and I know my friend’s tipsy when she lets him hold it.
“Thanks, Ris, it’s been fun.” She yanks her hand out of Ryan’s and stumbles a little. Three glasses in quick succession is way too much for her.
“You’re not driving home,” I say, and Claire rolls her eyes.
“I’m not stupid. I’ll leave my car here and walk home.”
I nod in agreement and Claire waves at Elly. “Bye.”
“Take care.” Elly blows her a kiss.
“Thanks.” Claire touches Elly’s shoulder and bends to give me a brief hug. I squeeze tight, hoping to convey how much I’m hurting for her.
When she straightens, Ryan’s arms are wide. “Where’s my hug?”
“You’re an idiot,” she says, but hugs him just the same.
Despite his bluster Ryan’s incredibly perceptive and waits until she leaves before asking, “What’s up with Claire?”
“Women’s business,” Elly and I respond in unison, surprisingly in sync for once.
Ryan chuckles and holds up his hands. “Say no more. But she’s sad and even my bullshit couldn’t snap her out of it.”
“It did for a while, so thanks.” I pat his arm and he actually blushes.
“You actually don’t mind me hanging out here despite the many times you tell me to leave?” He knows I’m a pushover for his hangdog expression because it works every time.
“That’s because you practically live here.”
I know why. It’s difficult being in Maggie’s company for more than thirty minutes; how Ryan puts up with her emotional fragility I have no idea. My minimal meaningful contact has nothing to do with a lack of understanding or compassion. I want to smother her with kindness she doesn’t want and has told me in great detail during one of her particularly bad phases. She’s borderline OCD and has to be in control all the time. I guess accepting my help equates with weakness for her, so she’d rather avoid me and I can’t stand not being needed.
“I love you too, sis-in-law.” He blows me a kiss and I roll my eyes.
“On that note, lovelies, I’ll leave you to your inane gossip.” Ryan places his glass on the table and pops a cube of cheese into his mouth. “Feel free to talk about me as much as you like when I leave.”
“Good riddance,” Elly says, but there’s no bite behind her words and Ryan’s wide grin indicates he knows it.
“See you later.” He holds up his hand in farewell and vaults over the balustrade again before strolling around the side of the house in the direction of his.
“He’s such an idiot.” Elly sips at her wine, her expression pensive.
“But he’s our idiot.” I gesture at the food. “Please eat.”
She shakes her head and points at her teeny waist. “And ruin this?”
“You’re too thin.”
“Yes, Mom.” She rolls her eyes but her smile is kind. “Speaking of weight, I haven’t seen you at Pilates lately?”
I grimace and flex my knee gingerly. “I’m too old to twist my body into a pretzel.”
Elly snorts. “You’re gorgeous and you know it.”
“Actually, I don’t.”
Damn, where had that come from? I never air my insecurities with the girls, unless Claire and I are joking around and poking fun at our thigh cellulite, our muffin-tops and our necessity to have more frequent waxing sessions as we age and hair sprouts faster.
I can blame the wine for my loose lips but I know it has more to do with my life; Avery taking me for granted and barely acknowledging I exist unless he wants me to host one o. . .
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