Poisoned Tarts

by G.A. McKevett

Genres: Cozy Mystery; Private Investigators; Female Sleuths

Synopsis

What happens when too rich and too thin becomes too deadly? Voluptuous P.I. Savannah Reid is about to find out as she delves into the disappearance of a celebrity hanger-on that soon leads to something more sinister. As Halloween draws near, Savannah will have to learn a killer's deadly "tricks" before someone else is "treated" to murder. . . Halloween in Southern California just doesn't have the frosty bite Savannah's used to, although her latest job promises chills aplenty. The Skeleton Key Three, a celebutante clique so named by the media because of their super-skinny figures and fat trust funds, are in the spotlight again—but this time, it's for something more than partying. It seems the one member of the Three who was neither wealthy nor particularly svelte hasn't been heard from in days. The missing girl's name is Daisy O'Neil, and by all accounts, she had little in common with her so-called friends Tiffy, Kiki, and Bunny. Chubby, smart, and less-than-privileged, Daisy's role in the Three seems to have been primarily to be the victim of their vicious jibes and pranks. When Savannah learns that Tiffy's acting aspirations were threatened by Daisy's genuine talent, the poor little rich girl begins to look big-time guilty. But just when Savannah thinks she has it all figured out—except where the body is stashed—the vibe surrounding the Skeleton Key Three changes from vacuous and suspicious to downright murderous. As preparations are being made for a monster Halloween party, to be held on the Dante compound, the patriarch himself is spotted dressed as Dracula, laid out in his coffin, complete with a real stake through his no-longer-beating heart. Now, with the party seriously pooped and the tabloids on a tear, Savannah will have to put her Halloween candy on the shelf until she's deserving of a reward. And that means finding a killer—fast—before more Hollywood money becomes buried treasure..

Release date: January 6, 2008

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 321

Sample

“Palm trees and jack-o’-lanterns. Yuck,” Savannah Reid said as she entered the supermarket and skirted around a display of chrysanthemums, colorful gourds, and pumpkins—some of which had snaggletoothed smiles scrawled on them with black permanent marker. “I hate autumn and winter in Southern California. I mean, I love California in the spring and summer, but holidays just bite if you don’t have the right weather to go with them.”

Her companion Dirk Coulter answered with a disgruntled grunt, communicating his disgust at being dragged along on this little shopping foray. Dirk hated grocery shopping nearly as much as he hated watching soap operas and chick flicks or listening to “female prattle.” And in his opinion, any discussion that didn’t revolve around sports or things police-related, constituted “female prattle.”

“How’s a body supposed to get into the Halloween spirit when it’s eighty degrees out?” Savannah said as she yanked a shopping cart out of the queue. “No frost on the pumpkin. Nary a fodder in the shock in sight. How depressing.”

“Fodder in the shock? What the hell’s fodder?” he asked as he took the cart from her and began to push it himself. Detective Sergeant Dirk Coulter might not be up on his Victorian poets, but he was a gentleman when it came to opening doors and pushing shopping carts.

“Oh, shoot, I don’t know,” Savannah said, her Georgia drawl even more pronounced than usual—as it tended to be when she was aggravated—“but I need some of it around to get in the mood. How am I going to give a good Halloween party without the smell of burning leaves in the air, that crisp morning cold that gets your blood flowing and—?”

“Oh, enough of your griping, woman. You’ll give your Halloween party the same way you do Thanksgiving and Christmas. You’ll decorate your house with way too much junk and cook way too much food and invite all of us over and make us dress up in stupid stuff and…”

“I told you last Christmas that you don’t have to dress up anymore. I just plumb gave up on that after seeing you as a maid a-milkin’. Lord help us, I still have nightmares about that.”

“You have nightmares! My skin still crawls when I think of how I allowed myself to be talked into wearing a dress and putting a mop on my head.”

“Free food.”

“What?”

“I told you that if you wanted to sink your chompers into that fine holiday feast of mine, you had to play along.” She giggled, recalling the sight—Dirk with milk bucket in hand, yellow yarn mop on head, inflated boobs straining against the front of a pink floral jersey dress. He had balked at the ruby red lipstick and chandelier earrings. Dirk had a few standards, free food or no.

“Don’t worry, buddy,” she said. “I won’t ever ask you to do that again. I have to draw a line somewhere at how much humiliation I heap on a body. Even you.”

“Gee, thanks.” He followed her past the jack-o’-lantern display and into the produce aisle. “So, what do I have to do to earn all the good food you’re going to feed us at this party you’re giving?”

“Just help me shop,” she said. When he grinned brightly, she decided to push her luck. “…and help me carve a couple of pumpkins.” His face fell until she added, “…you know, scoop out the guts—the gross stuff that us girls don’t like to do.” He perked up again.

She chuckled, reminding herself that manly men like Coulter needed special handling. “Why don’t you take the cart to the other side of the store and load up on some beer? And on the way back, hit the chip aisle and get whatever you think we need.”

“Really? Wow. Okay. Cool.”

In seconds, she was watching him retreat with far more vigor in his step as he headed across the front of the store to the refrigerated beer coolers on the opposite side. And not for the first time in the many years she had known him, it occurred to Savannah that watching Dirk walk away wasn’t totally without its rewards. He might be over forty and not the hard body he’d been when they had met nearly twenty years ago, but he still filled out his Levi’s quite nicely.

And among his other nice assets was the fact that after all these years, she could still feel him watch her walk away with the same rapt attention. And since she had gained two decades and thirty pounds since they’d met, she couldn’t help being grateful.

You just really had to love a guy who sincerely liked his women well-rounded.

Once he disappeared around the corner, she focused on the task at hand. It wasn’t easy putting on a successful Halloween party. The devil was, indeed, in the details…or the vampire, or zombie, or whatever ghoulish creature one chose to be. No fairies, butterflies, or ballerina princesses in pink tutus at her extravaganza! Nope, a Reid Halloween party was not for the squeamish. She had been present at enough crime scenes to know what real gore looked like…unfortunately.

And now, there were decisions to make. In a dimly lit room, which would feel the most like real eyeballs, olives or peeled grapes? Grapes were best, and she could probably pawn the tedious task of peeling them off on her best friend and codetective, Tammy Hart. So—

“Sit down, you stupid little shit, before I knock you in the head!”

Savannah jumped, nearly dropping the bag of grapes in her hand, and whirled around to face the angry male standing about ten feet behind her. He wasn’t a particularly large man, but he towered over the tiny toddler sitting in the shopping cart. The child, a little boy no more than two, stared up at the enraged adult with terror on his innocent, baby face.

Not for the first time when witnessing something like this, Savannah longed for the old days when she could walk up to a bully like this, flash a badge, and have a serious talk with him. When she and Dirk had been on patrol, they had done it at least five times a night.

She knew better than most that domestic abuse, in all its hideous forms, kept law enforcement employed.

Beside the man’s cart stood a woman with a bag of potatoes in her hand, a guarded, pained look on her face. In spite of the fact that she was well-dressed and wearing expensive jewelry, she had an air of defeat about her. The hang of her head, the slump of her shoulders betrayed a wounded, heavy spirit.

She started to put the potatoes into the cart, but the man snatched them out of her hand. “Baking potatoes?” he snapped. “I told you to get red potatoes. What’s the matter with you? Can’t you do anything right?”

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as she took the bag of potatoes from him and replaced them in a bin. “I forgot.”

She picked up a bag of red potatoes, and as she put them into the cart, the child strained in his seat, reaching for his mother. The father raised his hand as though to strike the boy, and the child cringed in a move that was obviously well-practiced.

“You try to get out of that cart one more time,” the man said, “and I swear I’m gonna bash you.”

“Honey, please, don’t…” the mother whispered, casting a quick look around. She saw Savannah watching, and a look of pain and embarrassment swept over her face.

“Yeah, well,” he said, “you don’t discipline the little brat. Somebody’s got to, so shut up already.”

The man looked in Savannah’s direction and realized that she was not only watching but also disapproving of his words and actions. But instead of sharing his wife’s embarrassment, he actually smiled. The self-satisfied, cocky smirk that appeared on his face was one she had seen many times before. Far too many times.

Savannah could feel her pulse rate soaring, her face growing hotter by the second.

Yeah, yeah, you’re the big man, she thought. Gotta show everybody how in control you are. You keep your woman and your kid in their place—under you where they belong. Way under you.

She gave him a sweeping, disgusted look up and down and added, What you need is somebody to jerk you down a notch or two.

Another voice in her head whispered a word of warning. It’s not yours, Savannah. It’s not your situation. Stay out of it. Mind your own business.

“I thought you said you were coming in here for a couple of things,” he told his wife. “I’ve got better things to do than hang around in a damned grocery store all day. Get your lazy ass in gear, and let’s get out of here.”

Again, he shot Savannah that arrogant grin that set her teeth on edge. She thought of all the times she had heard the myth, “Abusers have low self-esteem. That’s why they abuse.”

I know your nasty little secret, she thought as their eyes locked in an unspoken challenge. You don’t have an insecure bone in your body. You truly think you’re better, smarter, stronger, more valuable than your wife and kid. You think the world revolves around you.

Savannah had seen the end results of such an attitude: broken homes, broken women, broken children. She despised the attitude. And she tried very hard not to despise the men who harbored it. She tried desperately to give them a break, remembering that a rotten attitude was often handed down generation to generation, a sickening heritage, like some sort of decomposing corpse in the family cellar.

But she seldom succeeded. Too many years of too many visions of too many victims haunted her in the wee hours of the morning when she woke up from a nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Some people were good enough, highly evolved enough, to forgive and feel compassion toward abusers.

Long ago, Savannah had come to terms with the fact that she wasn’t one of them.

The wife walked away from her husband and baby and began to sort through some bananas. Savannah could see her hands shaking as she reached for a bunch and tried to shove them into a plastic bag as quickly as she could. But her fear made her clumsy, and her husband glared at her as she fumbled and nearly dropped the bag.

Shaking his head with disgust, he said, “I’m gonna go up front and get in line. You better be up there in two minutes. Two minutes, you hear me?” He looked at his watch, marking the time.

“Yes. I hear you,” his wife mumbled.

Savannah gave him her best You Rotten Creep, I Hate You look as he walked away, but he sent her a nasty little smirk in return. She knew the game all too well. He had just shown her that he ruled his family, that he could do anything he wanted to his wife and kid, and even though she obviously disapproved, there wasn’t a thing she could do about it.

As far as he was concerned, it was a game. A game he enjoyed because he always won.

The moment he was out of sight, Savannah reached into her purse, pulled out a notepad and pen, and scribbled down a phone number: 1-800-799-7233. Glancing around to make sure he was gone, she hurried over to the woman, who was grabbing apples and dropping them into a bag. Savannah shoved the paper into the woman’s hand.

“Here,” she said. “That’s the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can help you. Please call them.”

The woman’s eyes widened, and her mouth opened and closed several times. “Domestic Violence? But…but…I don’t need, I mean, he doesn’t…”

“He doesn’t?” Savannah gave her a sad, knowing look. “Call the number, sweetie,” she said, her voice soft and pleading. “They’ll help. Really. You don’t need to be alone.”

Tears filled the woman’s eyes, and she blinked several times. Then she shoved the paper deep into her purse.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Again, Savannah heard the angry male voice behind her. She spun around. He was practically on top of her, his face red with rage. “What are you doing talking to my wife? What did you give her?”

Savannah felt her fists tighten as the warrior inside her rose to fighting stance. Oh…she was in it now.

She fixed him with a cold, defiant stare. “I beg your pardon,” she said without the slightest hint of apology in her tone. “Are you speaking to me?”

“You’re damned right I’m talking to you,” he replied, taking a step closer, leaning far into her personal space. “What the hell did you give her? What did you say to her?”

Savannah took a step toward him and seriously breached his boundaries. “I will speak to anyone I choose about anything I choose,” she said to him, “and it’s none of your business what I say. So, back off! Now!”

He did take half a step backward, but his face was still contorted with rage when he said, “I know your type. You’re one of those women’s lib bull-dykes who hate men. You think men should go around henpecked, kissing women’s asses and—”

“That’s quite enough,” she said, her words even, clipped.

“You think just because I set my old lady straight and discipline my kid that I’m some kind of abuser. I watch the TV talk shows. I know what shit they say about guys who are just trying to keep their families in line. I know what they say about us being abusers and crap like that.”

Savannah felt her tether strain, strain, and then snap. Yes, she had to. She just had to…

She looked around for the cart with the baby in it. He was out of sight behind a salad dressing display.

“Okay then,” she said with a nasty little smirk of her own, “if you’re that all-fired informed, you know about the latest scientific findings.”

He looked confused. “What? What findings?”

“About abusers like you. Oh, you haven’t heard? Then let me tell you.” She held her little finger up in front of his face, only a few inches from his nose. “They’ve done tests and discovered that abusers, guys who yell at their kids and belittle their wives in grocery stores just for the fun of it, just to prove what a big shot they are, this…this right here…is the average size of their—”

 

“Hey, your news story is coming on next,” Tammy called from the living room. “They said they’ve got film and everything!”

In the kitchen, Savannah grabbed plates laden with rocky road fudge and peanut butter chip brownies and scurried into her living room.

Her guests were stretched out on the sofa and across the floor, holding their bellies and moaning in pain. They were soldiers laid low, not from battle but from Savannah’s determination to make sure that every morsel of food possible had been consumed—and then some.

She wasn’t content until the aftermath looked like the scene in Gone with the Wind, with casualties stretched as far as the eye could see. When no one could move, or even breathe, only then would her job as hostess be finished.

“A little post-dessert repast,” she said.

The chorus of groans mingled with pleas of “No, no! I couldn’t eat another bite!” as they snatched up the offerings.

Even the svelte and health-conscious Tammy took a piece of the fudge before passing the plate to Ryan Stone and John Gibson.

A couple of Savannah’s closest friends and honorary members of her Moonlight Magnolia Detective Agency, Ryan and John had fought the urge to eat every delectable morsel that Savannah had forced on them for years—but with pathetically little conviction. If not for the hours spent at the gym and on the tennis court to counteract the effects, their ultratrim physiques would have disappeared long ago.

And that would have been a shame because lusting after the two of them—hard bodies and all—was one of Savannah’s favorite pastimes, second only to watching Dirk walk away.

With Ryan’s dark good looks, his six-foot-plus frame, and his impeccable sense of style, he could set any female heart pitter-patting. And although John was older than Ryan, his life partner, John’s thick silver hair and his soft, aristocratic British accent was enough to make a girl melt.

For all the good it did her, Savannah had been pitter-pattering and melting into puddles in their presence for years.

“Hey, Van, bring some of those brownies over here,” Dirk called from the other side of the living room. “And is that fudge? Is it rocky road?”

Snuggled into her favorite rose-print chintz easy chair, he leaned back and unbuckled his Harley–Davidson belt.

“What are you doing there in my chair?” she asked as she brought the plates of goodies to him. “I’ve told you time and again not to sit in it. I’ve got the cushion molded just right for my own hind end, and you’re gonna wreck it. Get out! Now!”

“It’s comfortable,” he objected as he reached for the plate. “I can see now why you like sitting here, even if it is a sissy, pansy chair with stupid flowers all over it.”

“Get out of it!” she said, kicking him on the shin with her fuzzy red slipper. “You insult my chair and expect me to let you sit there? Move your carcass over to the couch and take those boots off. They’ve got mud and heaven knows what else on ’em.” She took a sniff and wrinkled her nose. “Lord have mercy, boy, what have you been wading through? Meadow muffins?”

“Meadow whats?” He lifted his boot and stared at the sole.

“Cow pies,” she said. “You know…bovine biscuits.”

“Ah. You mean bull shit,” he said. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I—”

“Sh-h-h,” Savannah said, seeing her grandmother descend the stairs, a cloud of Hawaiian print in her floor-length pink and red muumuu. “Watch your mouth. Gran’s coming down.”

“I heard that,” Gran said, a twinkle in her eye as she joined them in the living room. “Who’s been tippy toeing through the bullpucky?”

“Me,” Dirk admitted as he quickly stood and offered Gran the chair. “I had to chase a suspect through a pasture yesterday out in Mooney Canyon. I guess I haven’t gotten around to scraping off all the…uh…forensic evidence yet.”

He held Gran’s arm as she settled into Savannah’s easy chair and gently placed the ottoman under her feet. Then he handed her his brownie and a piece of fudge.

Savannah smiled, loving him just for a moment, then she said, “Go put those boots out on the front porch and get back in here before my news story comes on.”

Glancing at the television, she could see that the weather report was nearly finished. And that meant the colorful, local story would be next. She wasn’t sure how she felt about her latest exploits being broadcast for God and everybody to see. With cameras everywhere these days, a body had precious little privacy.

On the other hand, the footage had convinced the cops who had appeared on the scene that the other guy was the one who had thrown the first punch…or at least attempted to before she’d effectively blocked it.

There were times when a bit of store security videotape could be a girl’s best friend.

“I don’t need to see it on the screen,” Dirk said as he plodded off to the hallway. “I was there. I saw the whole bloody, gory scene in person.”

“Bloody?” Tammy was all ears. “Gory?” She looked anything but appalled. In fact, she looked deliciously intrigued—embarrassingly so.

Ghoul, Savannah thought proudly.

She’d taught the kid everything she knew about crime scene gore, its significance, and how to process it.

Granny settled her generous self into the easy chair and looked perfectly at home, the golden light of the reading lamp setting her white hair aglow with a fire that matched the one burning in her bright blue eyes.

Granny Reid might be an octogenarian who had traveled a lot of long, bumpy, pothole-pitted roads, but her passion hadn’t dimmed one bit over the years. And one didn’t need a second glance to see where Savannah had gotten her feisty spirit.

Gran took a bite of Dirk’s brownie, closed her eyes, and savored it for a moment, then she said, “Perfection, Savannah girl. Sinful, scrumptious perfection.” Then she opened her eyes, the moment for savoring over. “Now, what’s this business about you committing murder and mayhem at the local supermarket? I thought I taught you better than that.”

“You did, Gran,” Savannah said as she sat on the floor beside her grandmother and rested her head on Granny’s knee. “You taught me to be a lady, but sometimes a lady has to…well…”

“Hey, it’s you!” Tammy said, nearly jumping out of her chair and pointing to the television. “Oh, you look great! I’m so glad you were wearing that turquoise sweater. That’s one of your best!”

“Oh please. Tammy Hart, stylist to the stars,” Savannah said, giving her friend a grin.

“Actually,” John said, “Tammy’s right. You do look stunning in that sweater.”

“I agree,” Ryan added.

“Oh, right.” Savannah snorted. “Like either of you would even notice.”

“We notice.” Ryan lifted one eyebrow and gave her a quick once-over that set her pitter to patting all over again. “Notice is all we do, but we notice.”

Dirk reentered the room and shuffled across the floor in his socks. He sat down on the rug next to the television, reached over, and turned up the volume.

The blond cutie at the anchor’s desk began the story. “And this afternoon in a San Carmelita supermarket, an altercation sent a local accountant to the hospital. As seen here on the store security videotape, two shoppers exchanged words, and their discussion rapidly escalated into an argument. The woman you see there at the bottom of your screen is Savannah Reid, formerly a police officer with the San Carmelita Police Department.”

The living room erupted in whistles and cheers. Savannah held up both hands, “Quiet! Quiet! Listen now; throw cash and gifts later.”

The newscaster continued, an amused look on her face. “At this point in the argument, Reid held up one finger—no, ladies and gentlemen, not that finger—her pinkie—but even that appeared to enrage Timothy Barnett, who took a swing at her. As we can see, Ms. Reid has not forgotten the self-defense training she received from the S.C.P.D. and there…only a few seconds later…you see Barnett on the floor amid a pile of fallen produce, tumbled cans, and broken bottles.” The reporter grinned her perfect, bleached white smile. “Yes, folks, we do have a major cleanup on aisle five.”

“Yay-y-y-y! That’s our girl!” Ryan shouted.

“Here, here!” John saluted her with his cup of Earl Grey.

“Oh, Savannah! I’m so proud of you,” Tammy said, her pretty face shining, tears in her eyes. “You blocked him with an exquisitely executed gedan barai. The mae geri kick to his chest was flawless, and that nage waza was the perfect choice to put him on the floor.”

Savannah stared at her for several seconds, then said, “Uh, okay. Thanks, Tam.” And she decided to cut back a bit on Tammy’s martial arts training.

Dirk smirked. “I see you’re still using that ‘the average size is…’ line to provoke suspects,” he said.

Savannah winked at him. “Hey, the classics hold up.”

Th. . .