Wishful Thinking

Book 1: How to Be the Best Damn Faery Godmother in the World

by Helen Harper

Genres: Urban Fantasy; Literary Fiction

Synopsis

Muddled magic. Missing faeries. She's having one spell of a day at work...

Saffron Sawyer aspires to rise from the magical world's bottom rung. But when her wish to join the renowned Office of Faery Godmothers is granted, bullies make her first day on the job unbearable. And to add to her misery, she discovers that someone is abducting her coworkers one-by-one.

Desperate to prevent another kidnapping, she scrambles to piece together the clues. After teaming up with the handsome and powerful Devil's Advocate, she uncovers a strange connection between the disappearances and her lowly former gig. But when Saffron learns her promotion was only a ploy, she vows to ruin the devious plan.

Can Saffron muster enough magic to trap the villain before she's sacked or stolen?

Release date: August 26, 2019

Print pages: 299

Sample

Chapter One

 

The monster was bloody massive. Despite the soupy fog surrounding us, his features were still clear. His angry red eyes glowed almost laser sharp in their intensity, while his green skin glistened wetly in the drizzle. He opened his mouth, jaws yawning wide. The roar which ensued was ferocious and terrifying in equal measures.

I beamed proudly.

The bolder of my three trainees raised his hand. Normally, I wouldn’t countenance questions in the middle of a client session. For now, however, I’d allow it. I had a few seconds to spare and I was feeling generous.

I nodded towards him. ‘Yes?’

He swallowed. ‘Isn’t it rather derivative? I mean, giving him green skin and all. It’s not very original.’

The kid deserved to go to the top of the class. I snapped my fingers at him. ‘Exactly! It’s not supposed to be innovative. You have to ensure that you’re creating something that is connected in some way to reality. If you stray too far and let your imagination run riot, you run the risk of at worst turning your client psychotically crazy, or at best making him completely dismiss your conjuration and forget about what he’s seen.’ I pointed at the hunched over figure in the doorway. ‘If your client can believe that his own mind created that monster, then you’ll have more success in your endeavours.’

‘I thought that, as dope faeries, we are supposed to give them the best trip possible.’

‘We are.’ I explained further. ‘And the best trip possible is the one that your client can believe in. To a certain extent, anyway. You can’t give them more than their own minds can cope with. When Duncan Smith here properly sobers up, he’ll believe that the mushrooms he ate were fantastic. He’ll think that he hallucinated a monster akin to the Incredible Hulk because last week he saw part of the film when he sneaked into the local cinema. He’ll be more inclined to have mushrooms again, instead of progressing to harder substances that will only lead to his eventual demise. And,’ I gestured at Duncan’s expression, ‘he’ll continue to enjoy himself.’

All three trainees stared at him. His mouth was indeed curved up into a goofy smile and his tongue lolling out happily. The trail of drool curling down from his bottom lip was somewhat off-putting but pretty much par for the course.

‘Is the boogeyman coming?’ Duncan whispered.

I knelt down next to his ear. ‘The boogeyman is here, Duncan.’

‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘The other one. The real one.’

‘What’s he talking about?’ asked Sarah, the only female trainee.

I shrugged. ‘Probably a previous hallucination that he’s confusing with this one.’ I held up my index finger to my lips, indicating that they should stop talking. ‘Now be quiet. You can’t leave your conjurations alone for too long or…’

I didn’t manage to finish speaking. The green monster, irritated at being left on its own, snarled loudly and stomped forward, shoving me out of the way. The thing didn’t realise its own strength. I went flying, smacking with a painful thud into a brick wall nearby. While I picked myself up, feeling somewhat dazed, the monster lunged for Duncan, grabbing him by the collar and hefting him up.

‘What do we do?’ Sarah screamed.

I dragged myself up to my feet. ‘Stay back,’ I said calmly. ‘That’s what you do.’

I raised my right hand into the air and twirled my dope-faery wand three times. Initially nothing seemed to happen then there was a scuttling sound. The three trainees drew back. That was a wise decision. The scuttling sound grew louder and louder until it was almost a deafening roar.

While the green monster craned its head down, prepared to gnaw quite happily on Duncan’s exposed neck, hundreds of tiny creatures suddenly appeared from the shadows. Each one was about the size of my thumb and each one was charging towards the monster. Some wore kilts, some wore suits of armour, some were completely naked – but they all carried weapons that were directed at Duncan’s monster.

Within seconds they’d swarmed up the monster’s body, engulfing it until it was no longer visible. Duncan fell to the ground, landing badly on his side. I winced. He’d have an inexplicably painful bruise when he woke up tomorrow morning. I rubbed at my spine. He wasn’t the only one.

I raised my hand again and twirled it anti-clockwise this time. The tiny army vanished. A split second later, so did the monster.

I shook out my hair, brushed off the dirt from my T-shirt and turned to my cowering trio. ‘So,’ I said with a smile, ‘what can you learn from that episode? Dean?’

Dean ran a shaky hand through his hair and blinked at me. ‘Er … stay on your guard at all times?’

I nodded. ‘Yes. What else?’

Sarah swallowed. ‘Keep a close rein on your incantations.’

‘Yes.’ I glanced at Duncan. Mild confusion was reflected in his face but he didn’t appear unduly perturbed by his near brush with death. ‘Although you can easily control whatever you conjure up, if you become distracted then disaster can ensue.’ My tone darkened. ‘Make no mistake. Serious injury and even death can and does occur. We’re dealing with vulnerable clients – the last thing you want to do is make their lives worse than they already are.’

I stepped out of the shadows so that Duncan would finally notice my presence, and knelt down in front of him. ‘How are you feeling, Duncan?’ I asked softly.

His dilated pupils fixed on me. ‘Good.’ He frowned. ‘Great, in fact.’ He stared at me more closely. ‘Do I know you?’

‘I’m a friend,’ I told him.

‘Ah.’ He nodded in understanding. ‘Did you see the monster too?’

‘I did.’ I smiled at him. ‘It was pretty scary.’

‘I wasn’t scared,’ he declared quickly. ‘Monsters don’t scare me.’

I patted him on the shoulder. ‘Good for you. I’ll see you around.’

‘Be careful,’ he muttered. ‘You don’t want to get hurt.’ He lifted his feet, using them to push himself against the wall, then fumbled in his pockets for a cigarette. I left him to it. My work, at least as far as Duncan was concerned, was done for now.

‘What happens if he does move onto more potent drugs?’ Sarah asked. ‘Will he still be your client?’

‘Yes.’ I sighed. ‘But the hallucinations I create will affect him more deeply, so it’ll become harder to maintain control over his moments of lucidity. Some clients manage to pull back from that, some don’t. You can nudge them towards the right path but you can’t choose it for them.’ I touched my chest. ‘That sort of motivation has to come from within.’

The three trainees looked rather dubious. Dean’s colour still hadn’t returned to his cheeks. It wasn’t easy starting out but they’d learn soon enough.

‘Will he remember us?’ Dean asked.

I shook my head. ‘The memory magic covers you as well as me. He won’t remember a thing.’

They looked relieved at that. They were clearly still nervous about their new jobs. I smiled sympathetically. ‘It’s not glamorous being a dope faery,’ I told them. ‘A lot of faeries in other professions will look down on you. But make no mistake – you are giving some small amount of joy to your clients. What they do afterwards is up to them.’

‘He doesn’t look very joyful,’ Dean pointed out.

That was the trouble with specialised language, I reflected. Unless you were in the loop, it rarely made sense. ‘When I say “joy” in this context,’ I said, ‘I’m referring to a number of possible emotions. All positive, and all with the potential to lead to genuine joy as you understand it.’

I thought a little more about it before continuing, choosing my words carefully so that my three students would grasp my meaning. ‘In Duncan’s case, it’s about bravery. He’s too scared to pick himself up and move on from the trauma that put him in this position. I’ve been working with him for months to build up his confidence. Last year he couldn’t have coped with a monster like the one I just conjured up. It’s taken a lot to get him to this point. Being a dope faery isn’t only about giving your clients happy drug dreams, it’s about giving them the tools they might need to survive beyond this existence.’ I waved a hand around to illustrate my point.

‘It’s a lot more complex than I’d realised,’ Sarah said, as much to herself as to anyone else.

‘You’ll grasp the ins and outs more quickly than you think,’ I told her. Then I smiled at them all. ‘Let’s head home to Colchester and clock off. You can spend the evening remembering that, no matter what anyone else tells you, this is a great job and you’ll gain immense satisfaction from it.’

***

‘I fucking hate my job.’ I gazed morosely into my beer. ‘Three hours I’ve spent in crappy rain with crappy clients and crappy trainees.’ I gestured towards my hair. ‘You do realise that no amount of conditioner is going to calm down this frizz now, right?’

Harry grinned at me. ‘I think the frizz kind of suits you.’

‘Piss off.’

‘I’m telling the truth. It makes you look like a poodle.’

I looked up from my drink and stared at him.

‘A very cute poodle,’ he said.

I snorted. Most faeries were blessed with perfect locks and unblemished skin. I, on the other hand, had the sort of hair which wouldn’t look out of place on a circus clown and I was prone to repeated breakouts of acne. No one ever said life was fair.

‘Anyway,’ Harry said, ‘you’re ridiculously good at your job. You take it seriously and you help out lots of people. Very few of your clients have died from overdoses.’ He paused. ‘You won employee of the month three times in a row! So stop whingeing about it. You’re just having a bad day.’

‘More like a bad year,’ I muttered. I took a swig of my drink and sighed. ‘Alright. I don’t really hate my job. I’m just bored as hell.’

‘Isn’t that why your boss has been giving you all those trainees?’ Harry asked. ‘To keep you on your toes?’

I grimaced. ‘Jacob is trying to keep me busy. I’m sure he thinks that I want his job. The last thing I want is more sodding dope-faery paperwork. I don’t want to be sitting behind a desk. I want to be out there,’ I gestured aimlessly in front of me, ‘helping people.’ Not to mention being the best dope faery there was. That went without saying.

‘You do help people.’ Harry scratched at an old scab on the back of his hand. ‘And at least you don’t have to hang around waiting for it to rain like I do. This dry spell is driving me nuts. I’ve not been able to create any decent rainbows since April. Even then, I was told my last one wasn’t good enough because my blues were too insipid. By their very nature blues are insipid!’

I gave him a look of commiseration. ‘You’ve still not been given the London contract, then?’

‘No.’ He grunted in irritation. ‘The dippy twins have it instead. And that’s only because their uncle is Philip Vasterson.’

My mouth curved into a sympathetic smile. ‘Remember when we were students and we created FAN? We should never have abandoned it.’

‘We didn’t have much choice in the matter,’ Harry reminded me. ‘ Besides, “Faeries Against Nepotism” was never going to gain any traction when all the powers-that-be enjoy their positions because of that very nepotism. We were young and optimistic and now we’re tired and overworked. This is how it will be until we retire, draw our pensions and then drop dead immediately afterwards.’ His eyes danced. ‘So we should forget about our jobs and just party harder.’ He clinked his glass against mine and drained it dry. ‘Let’s do shots. Then clubbing. And maybe a kebab before a quick vomit into the nearest drain.’

I smirked. ‘That’s very tempting but I’ve been called in for an early meeting tomorrow. I’ve no idea what Jacob wants but I reckon I’ll need a clear head, especially if he’s going to call me out for making that client walk into the lake last week. He doesn’t realise that it was a carefully planned operation designed to help my boy get over his fear of water. If Jacob thinks that he can give me an official warning for almost drowning the man, he’s got another thing coming.’

‘You go, girl.’ He nudged me. ‘You see? You do care about your job.’

‘Of course I care about it.’ I sighed. ‘But I’m still bored.’

‘Only one shot then. Vodka.’

I couldn’t deny that I was tempted but I shook my head firmly. ‘No. There have been whispers that there’s a new task force being created to deal with people who are taking a synthetic drug that’s recently come onto the streets. I think it’s called Wings.’ I shrugged. ‘Anyway, if it does come about I want to be the one to head it up. I’ve got the experience and the expertise.’

Harry raised an eyebrow. ‘Not to mention the ambition.’

This was a conversation we’d had many times. ‘Why have dreams if you’re not willing to work to achieve them?’

‘Saffron, your dream isn’t to head up the Wings task force.’

My mouth twisted. ‘No, it’s not. But right now it’s about all that’s achievable.’ I leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you later.’

‘Count on it.’

 

***

 

Jacob wasn’t a bad boss. In fact, I rather respected and admired him. He ran a tight ship and didn’t suffer fools gladly. Admittedly, he had a disturbing penchant for implementing new initiatives from his various middle-management training courses with unbridled enthusiasm, regardless of whether they were smart ideas or not, but I couldn’t fault him for possessing the same desire to do well that I had. I simply wished I had more opportunities to shine. Modesty aside, it was all very well being a big fish in a small pond but I was quickly running out of room.

‘Take a seat, Saffron.’ Jacob pointed at the chair in front of his desk. ‘Thank you for coming in so early. I know you had a busy day yesterday.’

‘It wasn’t too bad.’

‘Your trainees were impressed. You’ve done a good job of enthusing them – not ever faery wants to come into this department. We can always count on you to show the newbies what things are really like. The magic you weave with them, as well as with your clients, is nothing short of wonderful. Complex tapestries shot with gold. That’s what you do.’

I frowned at him. Jacob wasn’t prone to flowery language; neither did he tend towards effusive compliments. Something was definitely up. ‘I do what I’ve been told to do,’ I said slowly.

‘And you do it very well. Lots of other dope faeries look up to you.’

His expression was remarkably earnest. That had me worried. ‘Alright enough already,’ I said. ‘What’s this actually about?’

His nose wrinkled. ‘This department was never your first choice.’

‘No.’

‘You applied to the luck faeries, I believe?’

I nodded. I was growing more suspicious by the second.

‘And the dream faeries?’

‘Yes. What of it?’

Jacob ignored my question. ‘On three occasions, you also applied to the faery godmothers. You were not longlisted.’

I tilted my head. ‘Is this your attempt to tell me that I was lucky to get any kind of job at all?’

His gaze was steady. ‘No. It’s my attempt to tell you that we saw your potential even if the other departments did not. You do good work here, Saffron. If you remain on this trajectory, you could head up the entire department one day.’

There was definitely a ‘but’ coming. I folded my arms.

Jacob sighed. ‘An opening has come up in another department. They’ve suggested that you would be a good fit. They would like to interview you.’

I stared at him. ‘Me?’

He sniffed. ‘It’s far from ideal. You’ll go right back down to the bottom of the heap. You’ll have all sorts of new things to learn and you’ll be considerably older than any of the other new starters. It might seem appealing, but you have to remember that not all that glitters is gold.’

‘Which department?’ I asked.

‘Just because somewhere has a good reputation doesn’t mean that it’s going to be an amazing place to work. And just because they’ve asked for you to attend an interview doesn’t mean that you’ll get the position.’

‘Jacob, which department?’

His mouth moved and the words came out, but for some strange reason I couldn’t hear him. What he said did not compute.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I didn’t catch that. Which department?’

He remained calm but there was an odd glint in his eye. ‘The same one you applied to three times. The supposed top of the faery tree.’ A hint of sourness coloured his tone.

‘The faery godmothers?’ I asked stupidly. ‘The faery godmothers have asked for me?’

‘You don’t have to do it,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to attend the interview.’

I was already on my feet. ‘When?’ I asked, my blood fizzing in delight at the very thought. ‘Where?’

Jacob’s mouth tightened. ‘Their Assistant Director would like to talk to you as soon as possible. In fact, she’s waiting outside. She’ll interview you here. You don’t have to use the Metafora to transport yourself to their building. She is,’ Jacob added darkly, ‘a remarkably humourless person.’

My feet were already propelling me towards the door. Why hadn’t I put on smarter clothes this morning? Damn it. There was no time to go and change; I didn’t want to give the faery godmothers the chance to change their mind. They’d asked for me. For me. This might turn out to be the best day of my entire life.

‘Thank you, Jacob! Thank you so much!’

‘You don’t have to take the job,’ he called out after me once again.

I barely heard him. Sometimes wishes really did come true. My mum would never believe this. Neither would Harry. Frankly, right now, neither did I.