The first thing I notice is the funny taste in my mouth – metallic and earthy. Blood. I run my tongue over my teeth and wince, realising I must have bitten my tongue. The second thing I notice is the worried face of my fiancé peering down at me.
‘Toby,’ I croak.
He crouches and takes my hand and I realise he’s trembling. ‘Are… are you okay? You really gave us a scare.’ His face is whiter than bone, his neck red and mottled beneath a partially open shirt, his black tie pulled undone. ‘We were so worried.’
‘Where…?’ I try to sit up, but my brain feels as though it’s floating loose in my skull, so I give up and sink back down. It’s then that I realise I’m lying on the floor, my head on a cushion. ‘What happened?’
‘Don’t you remember?’ he asks.
I try to think, but my mind is fuzzy. ‘What’s going on? Why do I feel weird?’
‘You fainted, love.’ Toby’s mum Celia kneels by my side, one hand on my forehead, the other on my wrist. She looks different somehow. Maybe it’s her hair – she’s had it cut or styled or something. It looks straighter than usual, and browner. She must have had the grey coloured. ‘Looks like you came down a real cropper.’
I now see that as well as Celia, Toby’s dad Malcolm and his elder brother Nick are also in the room, staring down at me, deep worry etched across their brows. Nick and Malcolm are both wearing grey suits, which seems strange, and I notice how similar they look, with their square frames and brown eyes. Nick’s hair not quite as grey as his dad’s. Toby, on the other hand, is leaner, taller and more classically handsome, his hair a rich mahogany.
‘You feel a little clammy, but your pulse is steady. I think you’ll be okay.’ Celia is a nurse, so if she says I’m okay, I guess I must be okay.
‘I can’t remember what happened.’
Celia looks up at her eldest son. ‘Nick, can you get Zoe a glass of water?’
‘Uh, sure.’
I notice Toby’s right leg is quivering, and his hands are trembling. He’s not the sort to get anxious, so his concern for me makes me love him even more. ‘Toby, you’re shaking!’
‘I was so worried.’ He swallows and leans in to kiss my forehead. ‘If anything happened to you I don’t know what I’d do.’
‘I’m fine, silly. Just a bit dizzy, that’s all. Tell him I’m okay, Celia.’
Toby glances at his mother and she gives him a comforting smile. ‘Relax, Toby. Zoe’s going to be just fine.’ Celia sits back on her haunches. ‘Well, this is an unusual wedding day.’ She raises an eyebrow and squeezes my hand.
‘Wedding day?’ Only now do I remember. That explains Celia’s hair, the suits, and – I peer down at myself – my lace wedding dress. ‘Oh no! It’s today! Did I wreck it? Is it too late?’ This time I manage to sit up despite my woozy head. ‘I can’t believe I—’
‘It’s okay,’ Toby interrupts. ‘We’ve still got time. The ceremony isn’t due to start for another’ – he checks his watch – ‘forty minutes.’
‘What happened? You said I fainted, but I don’t remember that at all. It’s so hazy… I was getting ready and then…’
‘Like Mum said, you hit the deck.’ Toby shakes his head. ‘Are you sure you can’t remember anything about it? That’s quite worrying, Zo.’
I frown and try to recall what happened, but my brain hurts. Little stabbing pains flit across my scalp, coming to rest above my eyes, where they throb and pulse like flickering lights. ‘Last thing I remember, I was getting ready. Celia, you were here with Lou and Becky, helping me get into my dress. That’s it. That’s the very last thing I remember.’
Nick returns and hands me a glass of water.
‘Small sips,’ Celia instructs. ‘We left you to go get our make-up done at the spa. Then Nick came in to borrow a phone charger. It’s a good thing he was here, because that’s when you fainted, and he called me. I told the other two to stay there – didn’t want you getting crowded with too many people fussing. Looks like you hit the back of your head on the desk on your way down.’
I reach up to gingerly pat the back of my head and wince. Sure enough, I feel a pebble-like lump beneath my fingers.
‘Do you feel nauseous at all?’ Celia asks.
‘A little. Not too much. I’ve got an evil headache though.’
My mother-in-law-to-be rummages in her handbag and pulls out a packet of paracetamol. ‘Take a couple of these.’
I put the pills in my mouth one at a time, knocking each one back with a slug of water.
‘Maybe we should get you checked out?’ Malcolm runs a hand through his sparse grey hair. He turns to Toby. ‘She looks decidedly peaky, son.’
‘I know, but Mum said she’ll be okay,’ Toby replies uncertainly.
‘I know what your mum said, but it can’t hurt to—’
‘Thanks, Malcolm,’ I interrupt, ‘but I don’t want to miss my wedding because of a bump on the head. If I still feel bad, I’ll go to the doctor’s later.’
‘Well, okay. But perhaps I should let Guy know. You might be unsteady on your feet as he walks you down the aisle.’ Malcolm turns to leave.
Toby stands and puts a hand on his father’s shoulder. ‘Wait…’
‘Toby’s right. Don’t tell my dad. He’ll only worry.’ I stagger to my feet and find to my dismay that I have to lean on a chair to steady myself. My legs are so shaky. What if I’m not strong enough to stand and say my vows? I think of all the people in the little chapel next to the hotel who have come to see us get married. All the weeks of planning. My utter joy and excitement at the thought of becoming Mrs Zoe Johnson. I can’t not get married, no matter how shaky I feel. I let go of the chair and square my shoulders. ‘Do you know what? Celia’s right, I’m absolutely fine. Honestly, I already feel so much better. I think it must have been nerves that made me faint. Or maybe hunger. Thinking about it, I did skip breakfast.’
‘Well, that’ll be it,’ Celia declares. ‘Let me call room service and get you something sugary. A piece of cake maybe. In the meantime, you should sit down, love. Rest a while.’
‘No, I’m fine, honestly. Lou and Becky will be back soon.’ My bridesmaids must still be downstairs. As my sister couldn’t be here, I asked my two best friends to step in. I went to school with Lou and I work at the salon with Becky.
Celia picks up the phone on the bedside table. ‘I’ll have the kitchen send tea and cake – enough for the three of you.’
‘Four of us,’ I amend. ‘You should stay too.’
‘No, I’ll let you three have some time to yourselves. You don’t want an oldie cramping your style.’
‘Don’t be daft. Of course I want you with us.’
‘Okay, if you’re sure.’ She gives me a soft smile.
Celia is the closest I’ve got to a mum. My mother died when I was thirteen after a two-year struggle with cancer. And my younger sister Dina left home to go travelling when she hit sixteen. I’ve only spoken to her sporadically since then. Dad was devastated after Mum died. He never really got over it and was rarely there for me and Dina. Well, not emotionally anyway. He made sure we were fed and clothed, but he wouldn’t talk about Mum, or about anything really. Our household was a sad place. I tried to fill the void Mum left as best I could, but I don’t think I did a particularly good job. No wonder Dina got the hell out as soon as she could.
I stuck around in Shaftesbury, as I couldn’t see myself living anywhere other than the small Dorset town where I grew up. But when I met Toby and his family, my world finally developed some colour. Some warmth. Ever since the two of us got together three years ago, his mum has treated me like the daughter she never had. We chat daily, meet for lunch, go on spa days, and tell one another pretty much everything. And Malcolm is a soft-hearted sweetie who would do anything for his wife. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. It’s just… difficult.
‘I hope I haven’t jinxed things.’ I turn to Toby. ‘It’s supposed to be bad luck for us to see one another before the wedding.’
‘You don’t really believe that.’ He gives me an indulgent smile.
‘No, but I wanted to do things the right way. I didn’t want any drama. And I wanted to wait until I reached the chapel to see you. Now I’ve ruined it.’
‘You haven’t ruined anything.’ He puts his arms around me, and I lean into him. I’m only a couple of inches over five feet so my cheek rests comfortably against his chest. ‘I know you wanted everything to be just so. It’s what I love about you, Zoe. You love family. You love tradition.’
‘Even though I fainted and now have a giant egg-shaped lump on my head?’ I give him a wry look. ‘That’s not exactly traditional.’
‘Zoe, it’s all going to be perfect. You’re perfect.’
My heart lifts at his words and for a moment my head clears, and the pain disappears. Until I remember… ‘I’m not perfect,’ I murmur. ‘No one is.’
‘Okay, well you’re perfect for me.’
I inhale deeply and push out the knowledge that this isn’t exactly true. I try to focus on the day ahead. To ignore the tiny bead of worry in my chest. Today is a day for fairy tales and happy ever afters. What’s past is past. All that matters is that I’m about to become the person I’ve always wanted to be, with the man I love.
Serving platters are brought out and laid on the dining table by the waiting staff, who then give us a detailed account of the gourmet finger foods artfully arranged before us.
‘I hope you’re hungry,’ I say, eying up the amazing selection. I thought the view of the forest through the mullioned windows was spectacular, but the sight of this food is just as incredible.
‘I’m starving.’ Madeline’s eyes are wider than the plates. ‘I actually skipped breakfast in preparation for this.’
Celia and I laugh at my sister-in-law’s blissful expression.
The three of us are having a taster lunch at the five-star Regis Hotel where Toby and I got married. It’s a beautifully restored country house just outside Shaftesbury, set on a hillside overlooking ancient woodland. The décor is laid-back luxury and it’s a real treat being here for lunch.
It’s coming up to Toby’s and my ten-year wedding anniversary and we thought it would be lovely to have a party here to celebrate. It’s quite extravagant, but Toby and Nick’s landscaping business is doing really well these days, and he said he wanted to celebrate our life together. We laughed at the cheesiness of that line, but at the same time, it warmed me. Made me feel safe and loved. Celia and Madeline have been helping me organise the party, and today we’re choosing the food.
‘It’s so nice to eat something that I haven’t prepared myself.’ Madeline runs a catering company and offered to do the food for our anniversary, but Toby and I thought it would be a bit mean if she had to work while everyone else was enjoying themselves. She has such a generous nature; we didn’t want to take advantage.
‘I can’t believe we’ve been married ten years already.’ I sigh. ‘It only seems like a couple of years ago.’
‘And what a wonderful ten years it’s been, Zoe.’ Celia pats my hand. ‘I couldn’t have asked for two more perfect daughters-in-law.’
Madeline and I share a smile. ‘And we couldn’t have asked for a more gorgeous mum-in-law,’ I reply.
‘Hear, hear,’ Madeline agrees, raising her glass.
Madeline met my brother-in-law Nick the year after my wedding and married him the year after that. She and Nick are perfect for one another. She’s been really good for him – we’ve all noticed his confidence and happiness grow since they’ve been together. And although she’s nothing like my usual friends, who tend to be feisty, sharp-witted and sociable, Madeline is calm, loyal and kind, and we get on surprisingly well. I bring her out of her shell, and she always gives me good advice. The four of us have grown really close, and our kids adore each other. I feel extremely lucky to have the whole Johnson clan in my life. This party will be a celebration of that as much as anything.
‘Okay, well I don’t know where to start with all this food!’ I sit back in my chair, feeling a little overwhelmed by everything.
‘I’m going to go for the shrimp and avocado,’ Madeline says, diving in. ‘And these little Caprese bites look yummy.’
We load up our plates and start tucking in, oohing and aahing over each delicious morsel.
‘Didn’t you have your newspaper interview yesterday, Madeline?’ Celia asks, dabbing at her lips with a napkin.
‘Oh, yes!’ I turn to my sister-in-law. ‘I forgot to ask you about that. How was it?’ She’s been campaigning to stop developers building new houses on a patch of land next to the forest. Unfortunately, planning permission has already been granted, but the campaigners have requested an appeal and created a petition. If the development goes ahead it will really spoil the view from this hotel for a start, not to mention that the area in question is on a flood plain. You’d think with my husband also being a town councillor, he’d have been able to help, but he has no sway with the planning committee.
‘I think it went okay,’ Madeline replies. ‘The journalist was really nice, and she seemed quite sympathetic. It should be in this week’s edition, but she couldn’t guarantee it.’
‘Fingers crossed you get the appeal. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help. More wine?’ I hover the bottle above Madeline’s glass.
She thinks for a moment. ‘Why not. I can leave the car and we can share a taxi home, can’t we?’
‘Good idea.’ I top up all our glasses. ‘May as well enjoy ourselves.’
‘How’s work going?’ Celia asks me.
‘Yeah, it’s pretty good. Crazily busy though. The salon’s booked solid right up to Christmas Eve. We just have to hope no one goes off sick or we’ll be stuffed.’
‘Good thing I already made an appointment,’ Madeline says, fake-wiping her brow.
‘You never have to worry about that,’ I reassure. ‘I’ll always make sure you’re both taken care of.’
‘It’s good to have friends in high places,’ Celia jokes.
‘Talking of friends in high places,’ I say. ‘Cassie Barrington has an appointment at the salon next week.’ Even saying her name makes my body tense up.
‘Barrington?’ Celia frowns. ‘Any relation to Myra and Geoff Barrington?’
‘She’s their daughter,’ I confirm.
‘Cassie Barrington?’ Madeline sits up straighter. ‘The reality TV star? Is she really your friends’ daughter, Celia?’
I turn to Celia. ‘I didn’t know you were friends with Myra and Geoff. Cassie used to be my best friend at school, but then she landed a spot on that TV show and now she lives in London.’
‘Why did I never know about this?’ Madeline looks intrigued.
‘Because I’ve never talked about her.’
‘Geoff Barrington was an old boyfriend of mine,’ Celia says airily.
‘Ooh, Celia.’ I nudge her arm. ‘Spill the gossip.’
She tuts. ‘There is no gossip. We went out a few times, but I lost interest. Tell the truth, he was a bit of a bore.’
Madeline and I burst out laughing.
‘What?!’ Celia’s cheeks are quite pink. ‘He was. I much prefer my Malcolm.’
‘Aww.’ Madeline and I both coo over Celia’s love for her husband.
‘So, Zoe, are you going to be cutting Cassie Barrington’s hair?’ Madeline sounds impressed.
‘Yes. But I’m not sure why she’s coming to Waves. We don’t keep in touch and she doesn’t live round here anymore.’
‘Maybe she’s moving back to the area,’ Madeline suggests.
‘Maybe. I’m not looking forward to seeing her though. She’s not exactly my favourite person in the world.’
‘No? Why’s that?’ My sister-in-law leans forward. I love Madeline, but she definitely has a weakness for gossip. It’s probably her only flaw. I should never have mentioned Cassie. News of her return will be all over town by tomorrow.
‘Oh, it’s nothing. We just drifted apart.’ It was actually a lot more than just drifting apart. Back then, Cassie made it quite clear that our friendship wasn’t high on her list of priorities.
‘Maybe she wants to build bridges,’ Celia says. ‘She’s probably quite a different person now to the one she used to be when you were children.’
‘Maybe.’ I shrug. But the thought of seeing Cassie Barrington again makes me anxious. Doubly so because it will be at my place of work, where I’ll have to be professional and friendly. Apparently, when she made the appointment, she asked for me by name. I asked my boss Jennifer if Cassie could be given another stylist, but there was no one else available for that timeslot. I’m even toying with the idea of calling in sick that day, but I know when it comes to it I won’t do that – I can’t let my other clients down, or my boss.
I’m probably overreacting. Like Celia said, Cassie and I were friends a long time ago and we’re both different people now. I’m not the pushover I used to be. I’m a working woman, the wife of a councillor, and the mother to two gorgeous children. I’m respected in the community, with lots of friends and a loving family. But I don’t trust Cassie, and despite the self-assurance I’ve built up, the thought of seeing her again unsettles me.
Celia, Madeline and I agree to stop chatting for a while to make a note of our favourite canapés before the alcohol dulls our taste buds. With the savoury selections finally made, we order coffees and wait for the dessert trays to be brought out. I’m not used to eating so much at lunchtime, so I don’t know how I’m going to be able to fit any more food in. Maybe I’ll ask for a doggy bag and get Toby and the kids to help me choose the desserts.
Madeline drains the last drops of the second wine bottle into her glass. ‘Ooh, Zoe, before I forget, are you still okay to have the girls next week while Nick and I are away?’
It takes me a moment to register that my sister-in-law is talking to me. I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink. ‘Sorry, what? The girls? Yes, of course. Lucky you, having a birthday night away.’
‘I can’t wait. Beth’s grumpy about it though – she wanted to come and stay with us in a posh hotel too.’ Beth is Madeline’s eldest daughter from her previous marriage, but she’s only ever known Nick as a father. She was a toddler when Nick and Madeline got together, and Nick adopted her as his own, as her biological father was out of the picture. She’s always been a sweet child, but right now she’s more like twelve going on eighteen, and Madeline’s having a tough time with her wanting to grow up too fast.
My nine-year-old daughter Alice thinks her cousin Beth is absolutely wonderful. To be fair, Beth has always been great with Alice up until now, but I think she’s going through a stage where she finds her younger cousin a bit babyish. I’ll have to think of some activities that will interest them both.
‘Don’t worry, Mads, Toby and I will make sure she has a great time with us.’
‘Thanks, Zoe. Beth might be tricky, but Freya will be a breeze. She can’t wait.’ My youngest niece is six, the same age as my son Jamie, and the two of them adore one another.
‘Bet you and Nick are looking forward to it, too.’
‘We really are. I hope he’s going to be okay for it though. He’s a little peaky at the moment.’
‘Really?’ Celia’s head snaps up at the mention of one of her beloved sons being under the weather. ‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘Sorry, Celia, didn’t mean to worry you. He’s fine. Just a little bit pale and he hasn’t got a very good appetite at the moment. Nothing serious though.’
‘Poor Nick,’ I add. ‘There are a few winter bugs going around. Fingers crossed he feels better for your trip.’ Selfishly I worry that they’ll be ill and won’t be able to make it to the anniversary party.
‘I’ll bring him round some of my soup,’ Celia offers. ‘That’ll perk him up.’
‘Thank you.’ Madeline gives her a grateful smile, although as she’s a caterer, the one thing Nick is never short of is good food.
‘So, how many RSVPs for the party have you had so far?’ Celia asks me, changing the subject.
‘Almost fifty yesses. I can’t believe so many people are coming.’ I feel a brief flutter of anxiety. ‘You don’t think it might all be too much, do you? The party I mean?’
‘Too much?’ Celia and Madeline give me a questioning look.
‘Yes, I mean, do you think people will think it’s over the top? Most couples do something for their silver or golden wedding anniversaries, but ten years… is it naff?’
‘Don’t be daft,’ Celia says. ‘Everyone loves a party. And your wedding was such a wonderful day, why wouldn’t you want to recreate it?’
I think back to that day and try to remember it with happiness, but all I can truly recall is that before our wedding vows, I fainted. And when I came to, everything felt slightly… off. It’s haunted me ever since. If I’m honest, I think I wanted to organise this anniversary party to exorcise the past. To give myself the wedding I never really had the first time around. Since then, I haven’t quite been able to shake the feeling of sadness. Of longing for a missed m. . .
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