Strange – I don’t remember seeing the front door open when I came down earlier. I peer outside, frown and push it closed with a click.
‘Girls! Come on, get your shoes on, we’re going to be late!’
Moments later, my ten-year-old daughter Eva bounds down the stairs, her caramel hair tied back off her face in a ponytail.
‘Is your sister ready too?’ I ask.
Eva shrugs.
‘Katie!’ I yell up the stairs, but there’s no reply. I sigh. My six-year-old is such a little dreamer. I kiss Eva’s forehead. ‘Can you run back up and tell Katie to get a wriggle on?’
Eva does as I ask while I slide my feet into two-inch heels and check my reflection in the hall mirror. I have an important meeting this morning with a potential new client. I need to look professional and I absolutely cannot be late. The school run must go like clockwork.
‘She’s not in her room,’ Eva says, reappearing in the hallway.
‘Try the bathroom.’ I smooth my eyebrows and turn away from the mirror.
‘I looked. She’s not there either. Or in my room.’
‘What about—’
‘She’s not up there,’ Eva interrupts, a look of panic darting across her face. ‘I even looked under the beds and in the wardrobes in case she was hiding.’
‘Katie!’ I begin marching through the downstairs rooms of our shabby Victorian fixer-upper that we’ve never quite managed to fix up, with its draughty hallway and rattling windows. My husband Robert and I had such grand designs for this place when we bought it. Maybe it’ll happen one day. My heels tip-tap across the stripped floorboards as I search the lounge, the kitchen, utility room, dining room, the downstairs loo… but there’s no sign of my youngest daughter. Back in the hallway, I freeze, remembering the previously open front door. Katie is a curious child. With a stab of pure terror, I think of the busy main road beyond the driveway and my skin goes cold. ‘Eva, check upstairs again – look in every single room.’
‘I already did that.’
‘I know, but can you do it again?’ As I bark out instructions to Eva, I’m almost falling over myself to reach the front door.
‘Mum, are you okay? What are you doing?’
‘I’m fine,’ I cry, but my heart has suddenly started beating like a machine gun. As Eva disappears back upstairs, I wrench open the front door and step out onto our driveway, scanning the small front garden as rush-hour traffic thunders past beyond the hedge. The sky is clear and blue, but there’s a nip of autumn in the air, a damp chill that makes me shiver. I weave between our two cars, checking my youngest daughter is not hiding behind either of them. Then I call Katie’s name and stare blindly around, trying to keep calm, but it’s plain to see she’s not out here. Shaking away images of cars screeching to a halt and my daughter’s little body tossed up over a car bonnet, I stride down onto the pavement and peer up and down the road, praying that I’ll catch sight of her. But there’s no sign, and despite her absent-mindedness, she surely wouldn’t leave the safety of our driveway. I’ve told her enough times that the road is dangerous. But she’s not out here, so she must be back in the house. She has to be.
Back inside, I check the downstairs rooms once again with Eva at my side. Katie’s not in any of them. Perhaps she went into the back garden for some reason. I ask Eva to keep searching the house while I go into the utility room and try the back door. It’s locked and the key is still on the hook, so it’s highly unlikely Katie is out there. But maybe she went out of the front door and then came around the side of the house, distracted by something or other. I slip the keys off the hook and open the back door, stand on the threshold scanning the garden – the mossy patio, the overgrown rectangle of grass, the fruit trees at the back, and the ramshackle, sage-green summer house.
‘Katie!’ I cry, my voice disappearing into the still morning air. ‘Katie! Are you out here? Time to go!’ I cross the stone patio and step onto the grass, my heels sinking into the soft earth. ‘We’re going to be late for school!’ My voice is definitely wobbly now, but I’m determined not to let my mind jump ahead again and imagine the worst. I make my way across the dew-soaked lawn to the summer house, try the door – it’s locked – and peer through one of the windows. Empty. Just the kids’ bikes and some gardening equipment.
‘Hello, Gemma, everything okay?’
I snap my head round to see my retired neighbour’s round face peering at me over the garden fence. ‘Sherry, hi. I don’t suppose you’ve seen Katie? I can’t seem to find her…’ I give a short laugh to show that I’m not really worried. But I don’t know why I did that because I am really worried. I make my way back down the lawn towards her.
Sherry frowns. ‘No, sorry. I’ll go in and ask Paul. I take it she’s not in the house then?’
I shake my head and bite my lip.
‘I’m sure she won’t have gone far.’
‘Mum?’
I gasp and look up, hopeful that it’s Katie. But it’s Eva standing by the back door, white-faced. ‘Did you find her?’ she asks.
‘Not yet, darling, but she’s got to be around here somewhere.’ My voice sounds hollow and bright.
‘Maybe she went to school on her own,’ Eva suggests.
I turn as Sherry clears her throat discreetly behind me. ‘Let me know if you need any help looking. And try not to worry. I’m sure she’ll turn up any minute.’
‘Thanks, Sherry. I appreciate it.’ I step off the grass, take Eva’s hand and we go back inside. ‘This is ridiculous,’ I mutter. ‘She can’t have just disappeared.’ I turn to Eva with another thought. ‘She’s probably hiding. You know how much she loves to play hide and seek. Let’s check the house again. Have a proper scout around.’ I stomp up the stairs, calling Katie’s name. Eva follows, and I try to keep my panic in check. I don’t want her to see how freaked out I’m becoming. It’s already been five minutes since I first realised Katie was missing.
‘Where is she, Mum? Is she going to be okay?’
‘Of course,’ I reply, trying to keep my voice from trembling. ‘Katie!’ I yell. ‘It’s not funny any more. We’re going to be late for school. Come on!’ I march into her bedroom, the floor a tangled mess of cuddly toys and discarded clothes. What I would give to see her lounging around on her bed right now. Her PJs are strewn across her pillow, her favourite book left open – everything looks so normal.
I crouch down and look under the bed, even though Eva said she’d already checked. But Katie’s not there. It’s just an empty black space. If only I had been paying more attention to her this morning instead of spending ages getting myself ready. I shouldn’t have taken my eyes off her for a second. But we’re at home. Surely we should be safe here. How can she have vanished into thin air? Robert and I are always in a rush, always doing a million things at once. Right now, he’s out with his regular Tuesday-morning client. He’s a personal trainer and works odd hours so, between the two of us, looking after the girls always manages to end up a messy and unpredictable affair with one or the other of us getting stressed and running late.
I get to my feet again and run my fingers through my short hair, not caring that I’m messing up the careful style that took me ages to perfect earlier.
‘Mum?’ Eva stares up at me. ‘Mum, where is she? I’m scared.’ Her eyes start to pool with tears.
I’m scared too. I take my precious daughter’s hand in both of mine. ‘Don’t worry. Don’t cry, she’s fine. I’m sure she’ll show up any second, and we’ll give her a big fat hug and tell her off for scaring us senseless.’
I’ve looked everywhere. It can’t be more than ten minutes since I first found she was missing, but it already feels like hours. If she’s not in the house she must have gone out the front door. But I already looked on the driveway and on the road beyond. There was no sign of her. She wouldn’t have run off, would she? Did she go out of her own accord?
Or did somebody take her?
I shiver at the sickening thought. Suddenly the seriousness of the situation slams into me like a truck. My normal life has turned into every mother’s nightmare in a matter of moments. I rush into my bedroom, kick off my muddy high heels, slip on some trainers, hitch up my skirt and run down the stairs.
‘Mum! What are you doing?’ Eva cries as I yank open the front door. ‘Where are you going?’
‘Stay in the house!’ I yell back. ‘I won’t be long. I’m going to look for your sister!’ Every second matters now. It could be the difference between finding Katie… and not.
I head out onto the driveway, trying to quell the rising dread. To suppress the terror that’s threatening to bubble over. It will be fine. Katie’s just wandered off and I’ll spot her any minute and wonder why I was getting in such a state. On the pavement, I glance up and down the road again. I see a gaggle of teenage school kids on the opposite side of the street and I call out to them over the sound of rumbling traffic.
‘Excuse me!’
They don’t hear me.
‘Hey! Excuse me!’
One of them looks over. He nudges his friends, who all glance up at once, like meerkats.
‘Have you seen a little girl?’ I put my hand out to show her height. ‘Blonde hair?’
They shake their heads.
‘I live here.’ I point to the house. ‘If you see her can you come and let me know?’
They give me blank-eyed nods.
I realise I’m panting, shaking. Which way would she have gone? I turn left and start running. I should have brought my phone with me to call Robert. To call the police. I try not to think about the speeding cars. About a fact, stuck in my mind, that the main cause of child deaths in this country is traffic accidents. And then there are the other reasons. Darker possibilities. Don’t think about those. Any minute now, I’ll see my baby girl, I’m sure of it. I glance up a side street but there’s no sign of her, so I keep running.
When we first viewed our house, Robert had misgivings about the road. He said it was too busy. Could be dangerous for the girls. But I said it would be okay. What if I was wrong? What if she’s been knocked over by a car? It would be all my fault. I glance up the next side street. That’s empty too. What if I’m running in the wrong direction and she went the other way? I could be moving further from her all the time. And I’ve left Eva home alone. I should have asked Sherry and Paul to watch her. What if she decides to come out looking for me and gets lost too? This is hopeless.
I turn back, my breathing ragged, sweat gathering in my armpits and across my back. Katie, where are you? I turn around. I’ll go back home, get Eva and we’ll start searching, in the car this time. We can cover more ground that way. I’ll call Robert too. This can’t be happening… can it?
As I turn back into the drive, I try to compose myself. I don’t want Eva to see how upset I am. I have to play down my fear. I spot her little face at the window, and then she disappears. Seconds later, she throws open the front door.
‘Did you find her, Mum?’
‘Not yet, sweetie. Let me get my phone and we’ll get in the car and go looking.’
‘But she’ll be okay, won’t she?’
I turn my face away, my voice sticking in my throat. ‘Yes, of course, we’ll go and find her.’
Eva follows me as I snatch up my phone and keys. I take a steadying breath and we leave the house. What if I never see my little girl again? How will I tell Robert?
As I’m unlocking the car, I see a familiar figure striding up the pavement towards me, immaculate in her white trousers, striped shirt and pearl earrings, dark brown hair curling at her shoulders.
Diane? That’s all I need. What’s my mother-in-law doing here? She’s never a smiley person at the best of times, but today she has a face like thunder. And then I see who’s with her…
‘Katie! Katie!’ I run down to meet them, noting my daughter’s tear-streaked face before crouching down and giving her the biggest hug. As I feel her thin quivering body in my arms, I send up a silent prayer of thanks, inhaling the scent of her and feeling her wet tears against my cheek. ‘Where have you been? I was worried to death! We were just about to come searching for you.’
‘Katie!’ Eva cries, following me. ‘Where were you?’ She puts her hands on her hips. ‘Me and Mum were really worried!’
Katie buries her face in my skirt.
‘I couldn’t believe it!’ Diane cries, looking over my head. ‘I was driving along, on my way to the doctor’s surgery to pick up a prescription, and I saw Katie two streets away from here, walking unaccompanied and crying her eyes out. I nearly crashed the car! But I can’t get any sense out of the girl. Did you have a row?’ She finally honours me with an icy glare.
I glance away from my mother-in-law’s accusing stare and look instead into Katie’s eyes, pushing her hair off her face and tucking it behind her ears. ‘Katie, darling, what were you doing out of the house?’
‘I’m sorry, Mummy. Are you really cross with me? Grandma said I shouldn’t be on my own, but I got lost.’ Katie’s lower lip wobbles.
‘But why did you go outside?’ I press.
‘I wanted to see Daddy before we went to school.’
‘Daddy’s working. You know that.’
‘But sometimes he comes back in time, so I went out to see. You know, if he was going to come running up the road. But he wasn’t there, so I walked for a bit to see if he was round the corner. But then I got lost…’ Her lip begins to tremble again.
‘You must never ever go out without telling me or Daddy,’ I say, before crushing her small body to my chest once more, and kissing the silky hair on top of her head. The smell of her berry shampoo makes me want to cry. ‘You could have been run over, or…’ I dread to think what else could have happened. ‘That goes for you, too, Eva.’ I hold my arms out to her. ‘No one is to leave the house without Mummy or Daddy.’
‘I wouldn’t do that,’ Eva replies with an eye roll, stepping into my embrace for a too-short moment. ‘Well done, Grandma, for finding her.’
Diane makes a harrumphing sound and purses her lips. But I don’t care how snooty my mother-in-law is being. Thank goodness she showed up when she did.
I straighten up. ‘Thank you, Diane. I… I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t spotted her.’
‘Yes, well, let’s not dwell on that, shall we?’ she replies with a dismissive sniff. ‘Shouldn’t these two be at school by now?’
I check my watch. It’s already eight thirty. ‘We’re late. I’ll have to cancel my meeting.’ But that’s not important now. What’s important is having my girls back home, safe and sound. I hold out my arms and both girls come close, letting me hug them. Eva likes to think she’s too grown up for cuddles, so I’m making the most of this opportunity.
‘Do we still have to go to school?’ Eva asks with a pout, finally having enough of my over-squashy hug.
‘Of course you do,’ Diane replies for me.
Eva wrinkles her nose. ‘But we’ve just had a drama. I thought people had to rest after a drama.’
I give a little snort of laughter.
‘I’ll take them to school, if you like, Gemma. So you can get to your meeting.’
‘What about your prescription?’
‘My grandchildren are more important than a silly prescription. I can pick it up afterwards.’
‘Are you sure?’ I ask, wishing I could decline her offer. I don’t want to let the girls out of my sight. But I have to be practical. Accepting Diane’s help is the only way I’m going to get to work on time.
‘Of course. I do wish you’d let me help out more, Gemma. Come along Katie, Eva, get your school bags.’ As Diane walks past, I get a waft of her perfume, Arpège.
We chaperone the children back inside the house and again I try not to think about what would have happened if Diane hadn’t driven past Katie when she did. Hopefully I would have found her anyway, but there are all kinds of dangerous people in the world. What if one of them had been passing while Katie was out there alone? I should have been more careful. More vigilant. The fact is, someone opened the front door. And even if it was Katie who let herself out, the door was still left open. Anyone could have come into our house… I shudder and take Katie’s hand. ‘Let’s go and wash that teary face,’ I say, taking her into the downstairs loo and running the tap. ‘No more crying, okay? You’re home, safe and sound, and you’ll see Daddy when you get home from school.’
‘Okay,’ she says in a small voice as I help to splash her face with water.
I pat her skin dry and hang up the towel. ‘Now, let’s see a happy face.’
She gives me a lopsided smile and I seriously consider the possibility of blowing off work, keeping the girls home from school and putting on a Disney movie. But then my responsible head kicks in and I realise that this would be sending out a terrible parenting message, as well as missing out on quite possibly the most important meeting of my career.
A few minutes later, I watch from the front door as my mother-in-law strides down the driveway with my daughters in tow. Once again, I feel like a crappy parent. I bet Diane never had these crises when Robert and his brother James were little. She was probably the perfect mother. I check my watch again, but I’m not really concentrating. I think I’m still in shock. I’m really not sure the girls should have gone off to school.
Okay, I can either stand here beating myself up, or I can get myself together and go win this new client. I square my shoulders and take a deep breath.
It’s the middle of the night when an insistent banging jerks me upright. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly to get my suddenly thundering heartbeats under control. But they won’t obey.
‘I know you’re in there!’ he cries, his voice twisted and rough. Nothing like the adoration and gentleness he used to show me. ‘Come on, you little bitch! Open up!’ His voice is still muffled. Good, he hasn’t broken through the door yet. I still have time.
This is why I always rent a ground-floor flat with a back door. I’ve never needed it up until tonight, but now that he’s found out where I live, I’ll have to abandon the place before he gets to me, or who knows what he’ll do.
As the hammering on the door gets louder and the insults worsen, I slip out from beneath the covers and pull a warm sweater over the top of my pyjamas. I grab my phone and my laptop from the dressing table and shove them into my bag. A ready-packed holdall sits at the foot of the bed. No point bothering with the rest of my stuff. It’s not important. Just a few clothes in the wardrobe and some food in the fridge. I’ve never stayed anywhere long enough to accumulate anything of any worth.
Turning the key in the French doors, I briefly wonder how he managed to find me. It’s been over a month since I last saw him. Over a month since I left his beautiful home. Since I got the hell out of there. So how did he manage to track me down? I’ve used an alias to rent this place, like I always do. Not that it matters how he found out. What matters is that he’s here, and if I don’t get my arse moving, he’s probably going to kill me.
‘Open the fucking door!’ More banging, and then an almighty crash.
Shit. I draw the curtains and slip out through the door, closing it and locking it firmly, checking it really is locked. I’m annoyed to find that my fingers are trembling. I can’t afford to be scared. To be weak. It will slow me down. Make me vulnerable.
I’ll need to find a new place to stay. Somewhere far from here. I don’t have anyone I can go to. No family of my own. It was always just me and Mum – a team. But since Mum died it’s just been me. Sometimes I really wish I could have a perfect little family of my own.
As the light flashes on inside, I bite back a squeal, trying not to let the fear consume me. Instead, I shoulder my holdall and slip around the side of the building, breaking into a practiced run. My car is parked two streets away but I can cut through an alley to get there.
I realise I’ve misjudged this entire situation. I won’t ever make the same mistake again.
Next time, I will be more careful.
When I finally reach my office building in town – a plain 1980s red-brick building with blue windows (hideous, but practical and convenient) – my heart sinks at the sight of a workman’s van parked lengthways across the front of my reserved space. I beep my horn a couple of times, but no one comes and I’m too late to deal with this now, so I reverse out of the car park and luckily manage to find a metered space in a side street around the corner.
My meeting was scheduled for nine thirty, but I’m already ten minutes late. Maybe he’ll be running behind schedule too? All I need is a few extra minutes to reach my office and get myself together. I’m still shaky from Katie’s disappearing act and I can hardly walk in my heels – I messed. . .
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