The Reckoning

by Claire Lorrimer

Genres: Romance

Synopsis

Clare and Mark Bainbury, married for four years, are gradually becoming aware that life may not turn out exactly as they might like. Mark's career is not as lucrative as he had hoped and Clare's growing obsession for a child creates a distance between them that neither is certain how to breach. When Mark meets glamorous starlet Diane Derry, Clare retreats even further from their marriage. Increasingly it seems that they love which once consumed them both may not be strong enough to survive these troubled times.

Release date: May 15, 2014

Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton

Print pages: 400

Sample

‘Every time I see you, you seem to have grown prettier, Lee!’ Clare said with sincerity as she looked at her friend’s face. At thirty Lee looked younger and certainly a good deal happier than she had at twenty-five.

‘A good deal plumper, too!’ Lee replied with a smile lighting her dark brown eyes. ‘Shane wants me to go on a diet!’

‘What nonsense, Lee! Don’t take any notice of that handsome husband of yours. You’re just right now.’

‘I’m getting matronly!’ Lee argued. But her voice held no regrets, and Clare, better than most, could understand why. Beside them on a rug, cooing happily to himself, lay Lee’s youngest child, six-month-old Timothy. From somewhere beyond the rose garden came the shrill voices of her other two children, Sheila, four, and three-year-old Mark.

‘You must be so proud of yourself, Lee!’ Clare said involuntarily, her eyes on the baby’s plump little suntanned body.

‘Well, give Shane his share of the congratulations!’ Lee laughed, but for once the laughter did not reach her eyes. There had been an unconscious note of envy in Clare’s voice, and although she had never spoken on the subject of her own childlessness, Lee had guessed that Clare had been wanting a baby herself for some time.

It must be nearly five years since Clare and Mark were married, Lee contemplated. Her own marriage to Shane had been but a few months before theirs. How quickly time passed! Five years since Sally, her sister-in-law, had departed to America with her young husband, Lyndon. And now Sally, too, was a mother. It was difficult to imagine Shane’s spoilt, wilful and very attractive twin sister as the mother of twin boys! But then life – or was it love? – could change people so easily. Sally, whom none of them had believed capable of making and keeping intact a happy marriage, was, judging by her radiant letters, still as devoted to Lyndon as Lee herself was to Shane.

I’ve changed, too! Lee told herself. She had been so restless and ‘taut’ before she had met and married Shane. An unhappy love affair had twisted her emotions and she had believed her life ruined. Now here she was, as contented and happy as any woman in the world could be. Of course, she had everything in the world to make her happy. Shane … dear Shane! … was as adoring and attentive as ever. He had given up his boyhood passion for painting and had gone into his father’s film business on the management side. Now he was almost as wealthy as her father-in-law, and their beautiful country house lacked nothing she could want.

All she had to do was to manage the large staff who ran the house and supervise Eilie, the young Finnish girl who helped her with the children. Gardener, chauffeur, cook and maids she was willing to employ, but the children she preferred to take care of herself. There would be no Nanny to keep them out of her way. They were her joy, her most lasting and worthwhile occupation, and if she had to leave them to play her part in the social whirl that Shane’s work imposed on them, there was Eilie to take over temporarily.

But Clare … Clare had so little by comparison. Mark was still struggling to make a decent living as an architect. Shane had put as much work Mark’s way as he could, but somehow the Big Money did not seem to come the way of architects these days. It seemed unfair when one stopped to consider how hard Mark worked, how many hours every day compared with Shane’s casual visits to his office or the studios, his semi-business, semi-pleasure trips to America, his long and prolonged holidays.

Not that Clare ever complained about their comparative poverty, Lee reminded herself. It was doubtful if Clare ever did compare their lives in that respect. She was far too deeply in love with Mark to think how different her life might have been had she married a wealthy man like Shane! But then Clare had had to fight for Mark, who was once engaged to the irresponsible Sally, and had loved him for a long while before Mark had woken up to the fact that he loved her! Dear Mark … so simple and kind and good. No wonder Clare loved him. She herself had come to love him too, as a friend. It seemed awful that so perfect a marriage should have any flaws, yet there it was, that note of longing in Clare’s voice.

‘Doesn’t Mark want a family, Clare?’ she asked impulsively.

The younger girl’s face was suffused with sudden colour, which receded quickly, leaving her paler than seemed usual, for the very darkness of her hair gave her skin a creamy look even when she was tanned.

‘Yes! We have both wanted a baby for ages. We just don’t seem to be getting very far very quickly!’ Clare said, her blue eyes not meeting Lee’s compassionate look.

‘I’m sorry, Clare, I never realised before. How selfish of me, so wrapped up in my own happiness that I’ve never noticed you haven’t been so lucky. I’m ashamed to think of it, especially when you have taken so much time and trouble with my kids.’

Clare looked up from the baby, her face now radiant.

‘Oh, but I love them dearly, Lee, you know I do. After all, Sheila’s my godchild, and Mark is Mark’s! And who could help loving Timmy? It’s you who have been so wonderful, letting me see so much of them.’

‘Clare, that makes me feel worse than ever. Surely it’s only human nature that you should … well, resent my good fortune? Haven’t you sometimes hated me for having so easily what you’re having to struggle for?’

A smile touched Clare’s blue eyes.

‘But of course not, Lee. I think I was as thrilled as you were when Puss came along. Funny how that nickname Shane gave Sheila has stuck! Then when Mark was on the way, those two months when Puss came to stay with us were the happiest …’

Her voice trailed away as if she feared that what she had been about to say was in some way disloyal to Mark. Yet it was true. Much as she loved Mark, and no matter how wonderfully and perfectly they were suited to each other, it had always seemed to her as if something vital were missing. Even on their honeymoon, that wildly ecstatic week in Scotland following their wedding, they had spoken about the children they would have. Now, four years later, there was still no sign of a baby, and she was getting desperate! Mark, who had been so sympathetic and understanding about her impatience at first, seemed to have lost interest in the subject. Once she had flown into a temper and accused him of not caring any longer about their family. He had given her a long, strange look, and then in his quiet voice had said, ‘I thought it might only make you worse, Clare, if I added my worries on the subject to yours.’

Make me worse! Clare thought bitterly. And yet it was true. In four years she had become neurotic, bad tempered, prone to bouts of hysterical weeping and nagging at Mark that would have driven any other husband away by now. Dear, patient, kind Mark. He so seldom alluded to her changed temperament, and yet he must wonder sometimes how he had ever fallen in love with her.

Suddenly, in the middle of this hot sunshiny August afternoon, she found herself telling Lee, not just the superficial facts, but the most intimate details of her life … her heart. Lee, who had always been so mature, so understanding even as a girl, so good a friend, would give her wise counsel, or at worst would understand.

‘This obsession of mine is ruining my life,’ Clare heard herself saying desperately. ‘It has become an obsession … this wish to have a baby. At first it didn’t seem to matter so much. One often heard of people waiting a few months before they knew a baby was on the way. But then it became a year and still nothing. I found myself reading books, articles, all kinds of literature on the subject. I don’t think Mark realised it at first, but I began to take control of the physical side of our marriage. An article would say that too much love-making sometimes prevented a woman from becoming pregnant. So I would tell Mark I was too tired. Then I’d read a book that said it was all a question of cycles … if you hit the right day then you would be bound to become pregnant. So I tried to lure Mark to bed early every night! I know it sounds quite funny when I talk about it this way, but it wasn’t funny. Naturally, Mark didn’t know what I was up to, and then, if he didn’t comply, I’d get upset and he couldn’t see why. That would irritate me and I’d take it out on him. Sometimes I’ve wished he would turn round and beat me!’

Lee looked at her friend with sympathy as well as humour. It couldn’t be too bad if Clare could still smile at herself.

‘My dear, why didn’t you tell Mark what you were up to?’ she said sensibly.

‘I did, eventually!’ Clare cried. ‘For a while we seemed to be working together again … but then even that began to go wrong. We both knew that our love-making had ceased to be a natural expression of our love for each other. It had resolved into a clinical purpose, a means to an end. Then one night Mark moved into the spare room and locked himself in. I was nearly frantic. He just refused to answer me when I called out to him. When he did unlock the door, he was furiously angry with me … I think because he felt he had failed me in some way when it was really I who was failing him. He said he couldn’t go on like that any more … that we must either go back to our old way of life or he’d end up in a mental home.’

‘Oh, Clare, it doesn’t sound a bit like you … or Mark!’

‘That’s just it, Lee. It’s not like me … or Mark. It’s my fault that Mark has grown so reserved and silent and depressed because I’ve let him know how much having a baby means to me. He thinks he’s failed to make me happy. If only I’d never told him!’

‘But, Clare, you must have seen a doctor? Hasn’t he advised you?’

‘Naturally I told my doctor, but that was only a few months after we were married. He said it was far too early to bother about examinations and things yet and to wait a few months longer. Then all this trouble between Mark and me started, and after that row over the locked door we agreed to forget about the baby and just start loving each other again. Believe me, Lee, I was so horrified by Mark’s face that night that I really meant what I promised. Nothing mattered but Mark … and for a week or two our life was wonderful. Then, when I discovered at the end of the month that I’d failed again, all the old restlessness and longing came back to me. I tried to put the thought out of my mind but I couldn’t, and I was scared to let Mark know what I was feeling. Somehow or other he guessed. I think between people who have been so deeply and closely in love as we have, the one can always sense it if the other is keeping something from them. I felt I couldn’t force the issue of seeing doctors and examinations at that stage. Then you wrote and asked me if I’d like to have Puss for a few weeks while Mark was born and I forgot my own baby. Having Puss practically saved our marriage.’

‘Clare!’ Lee said, shocked that Clare could talk in such a way about a marriage all of their friends as well as herself had believed to be idyllic. In fact, only recently Shane had said, ‘Those two are so taken up with each other, I suppose they don’t need kids!’ and she hadn’t known whether it was a purely objective remark or a suggestion that they themselves needed a family to keep them together. Shane, of course, had guessed her unspoken thoughts and teased her in his boyish way. ‘Now you’ve given me the brats, you can push off, old girl. Don’t need you any longer!’ Dear Shane! He was really so dependent on her … always asking her opinion, her advice, coming to her with his troubles and worries. He was more like an older son than a husband … and perhaps that was why she loved him so dearly. The maternal strain in her had appeared late, but was none the less strong. And what a strong emotion it was! Look how it had affected poor Clare, seemingly the most placid and gentle of the three girls who had been at school together so many years ago!

‘Mark was happier too … because he knew I was happy again,’ Clare went on thoughtfully. ‘Puss kept me pretty busy and when Mark came home there was always something to talk about that wasn’t remotely connected with our baby. Somehow or other we’d grown pretty silent. Mark would tell me about his work, of course, but that didn’t take all evening and I had nothing to tell him. With Puss there, we could talk all night … and she was such an enchanting little girl. When she came home to you, I felt as if I’d lost my own child, I’d grown so fond of her. Does that sound crazy?’

Lee shook her head.

‘I can understand, Clare. Of course, Shane and I have a much larger circle of friends than you and Mark have. Shane’s job demands that we entertain a lot and are entertained. So time would not have hung quite so heavily on my hands as it must do on yours.’

‘I’d always been so busy at home,’ Clare agreed. ‘If you remember, Mother and I were running the house for Douglas, who was only sixteen then, and my sister and brother-in-law and their two children. I seldom had five minutes to myself. Keeping house for Mark, who is a very tidy person by nature, has left me too much time on my hands.’

‘Couldn’t you get a job, Clare?’ Lee asked.

‘I did suggest it once to Mark, but he didn’t like the idea. I think he felt it reflected on him in some funny way. With you and Sally being married to such rich men, it looked as if I was dissatisfied with his income. Naturally, I told him the real reason, but he wasn’t convinced and so I dropped the idea. Anyway, there isn’t much I can do, you know … unless I became a mother’s help or something like that. I’m not talented as you are, Lee.’

‘Talented!’ Lee laughed. ‘Those artistic efforts of mine are part of my past. I haven’t touched a paint brush in years. Still, those book jackets weren’t bad when I think about it … even if I do say so myself!’

‘They were very good, Lee, and if I remember rightly you earned your own living quite satisfactorily as a freelance. I wish I could do some creative work. I’d try and train to be a writer … or at least take a secretarial course, but it seems such a waste of money if I do succeed in starting a baby soon. If only I knew, Lee. That’s what is so unsettling about this whole business … not knowing when.’

‘But surely your doctor can give you some ideas. He must know if anything is actually wrong. Sometimes a minor operation can correct a slight fault and then you’d find yourself pregnant next day!’

‘But that’s half the trouble,’ Clare said miserably. ‘My GP can’t find anything wrong with me. He examined me a fortnight ago and he says he can see no reason why I shouldn’t conceive. He wants to see Mark now, but I dread asking Mark to go. Besides, the doctor said it could all be due to my state of mind. He said that the more you want a baby the less likely you are to have one … and vice versa! And I must try and stop thinking about it. As if I can! Meanwhile, he has given me some pills to take but they don’t seem to have made much difference.’ Her voice broke a little on her next words. ‘Oh, Lee,’ she said, ‘I wish I could stop wanting a baby. It’s coming between Mark and me and is ruining our lives … our love for each other. We’re almost strangers. If only he could understand what this means to me!’

‘Now don’t upset yourself about it, Clare. It’s probably a good thing you have confided in me. You’ve bottled it up too long. You must keep a sense of perspective. You know, I’m sure Mark does understand … as far as any man can understand the maternal urge. Most of them don’t seem to develop any paternal emotions until the child is there. And Mark is a young man still … thirty-three? He probably thinks there’s lots of time, and of course there is.’

‘But I don’t want to be old when I have my first baby,’ Clare whispered. ‘I’m thirty, Lee, and I’d like to be young with my children … as you are.’

‘I’m sure you’ll have a baby soon, Clare. If nothing is wrong with you, then it’s bound to happen sooner or later. There’s Sheila and Mark coming across the lawn to us now. We’ll talk some more later when they are in bed.’

‘This must be very boring for you, Lee. Forgive me for blurting out my troubles like that.’

Lee put her arm on Clare’s and said warmly:

‘How could I be bored with anything that happens to you, Clare? Your life and Sally’s are bound up with mine and I take as great an interest in your happiness as I do in my own. If it wasn’t for you and Sally, I might never have married Shane.’

‘Nor I Mark!’ Clare agreed, remembering how the three of them had kept a schoolgirl tryst to meet ten years later; how, at twenty-five, they had kept that promise and she herself had fallen in love with Mark, who was then Sally’s fiancé, and Lee had fallen in love with Sally’s twin brother Shane, and Shane, unbelievable as it seemed now, had imagined himself in love with her.

‘Hullo, darlings!’ Clare heard Lee’s voice as she welcomed her two elder children.

‘We’re not darlings,’ Mark said gravely. ‘Puss is Dick Barton and I’m Tex Ritter. We’ve shot a man dead.’

‘He was the wicked one!’ the little girl explained. ‘Aunty Clare, will you come and play with us? We’re tired of being cowboys. I want to play mothers and fathers, but Mark won’t play it.’

‘But it’s teatime!’ Lee broke in, smiling. ‘Here comes Eilie to tell us. I rather think there are meringues for tea, too!’

‘Golly! Race you indoors!’ Puss cried, and with Mark’s fat little legs chasing her longer, slender ones, they dashed off towards the young Finnish girl, games forgotten in the happy anticipation of meringues for tea.

‘Time you had your fruit juice, young man!’ Lee said, as she bent down to gather up her chubby little baby. ‘And you’re wet again, I’ll bet. Honestly, Clare, they aren’t all fun, you know!’

But her eyes told Clare she had no regrets, just as her tone of voice belied her . . .