For Always

by Claire Lorrimer

Genres: Romance

Synopsis

When Lindsey Carter?s husband dies, she is left poor but not devastated ? their marriage was a loveless one. Waiting in the wings in is her childhood sweetheart, Glynn, but Lindsey is determined to put her two small sons first. She takes up her pen in order to keep the boys at their expensive public school, and is pleased to receive an offer for what she hopes will be the first of many novels. But Lindsey has caught the eye of her suave, handsome literary agent, Paris Rogers, and has other ideas about her future. Torn between the magic of the past and the roller-coaster ride of the future, Lindsey faces an impossible choice.

Release date: February 13, 2014

Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton

Print pages: 160

Sample

“You’re a lot thinner, Lindsey!” remarked her friend Marie-Louise as she settled herself more comfortably in the armchair beside the fireplace.

“Am I? Yes, I suppose I have lost a bit of weight!”

Lindsey Carter’s mind was not on herself. Ever since Marie-Louise had turned up unexpectedly and knocked on her front door ten minutes ago, she had been striving to discover the real reason for her visit. It could have been caused by so many reasons … pure friendliness, for she had known Marie-Louise as an intimate friend since they met at school at the age of ten; it could be because Marie-Louise wished to express in person her sympathy at the loss of Lindsey’s husband three months ago; or she could have come as a kind of ambassadress for Glynn, her brother.

“I would have come ages ago,” Marie-Louise was saying with obvious sincerity, “but your aunt told me you had asked her to let all your friends know that you would prefer to be left alone for a while. You … you got my letter, Lindsey?”

Lindsey averted her face; the newly discovered guilt she was feeling she knew must show on her face. Marie-Louise had written a sweet letter, expressing her concern for Lindsey and the boys, telling her not to hesitate to ask if there were any kind of help she could give, offering them a home for a while until she made up her mind what she was going to do. But of course, Lindsey and Marie-Louise both knew that she would not go to Woodley Manor … because of Glynn.

Glynn, thirty-four, and five years senior to his sister and Lindsey, had been in love with her since she was seventeen. It had seemed so right then … that she should love and be loved by the brother of her dearest friend and constant companion. Glynn had been at Oxford and it had been first love for both of them. There had never been an engagement, but all their friends and both families took it for granted that when Glynn came down and settled in his father’s paper firm, he and Lindsey would be married.

It had all been too perfect, Lindsey thought. They were too much the “ideal” couple. Even their looks complemented one another. Glynn, like Marie-Louise, was dark-eyed and had dark curly hair, each having assumed the physical and temperamental characteristics of their Spanish grandmother. Lindsey had auburn hair and green eyes and her temperament was as reserved as Glynn’s was the opposite. She was the introvert, he the extrovert. He acted impulsively, Lindsey never without thought and caution. Yet their interests, their ideals, their dreams had been identical. What had gone wrong? What had broken up such a promising affair? Thinking back, Lindsey thought that they had been too much in love, too intense, too demanding. Love such as theirs knew no compromise and they had both been so young. When Lindsey discovered that Glynn had a girlfriend up at Oxford, her pride had been wounded beyond recovery. In her youthful idealism, she had been unable to understand how he could have held another girl in his arms. She had wanted no one near her but Glynn.

Marie-Louise had tried hard to bring them together again. But it had served no purpose. Lindsey had felt she hated Glynn for the hurt he had inflicted on her and she had refused to so much as see him again.

Three years later she had met and married Elvin Carter. She had been twenty, Elvin thirty. She had believed herself in love with him … not in the same way she had loved Glynn … nothing would ever be the same as that first love; but she had respected and admired him. At thirty he had been very much a man of the world: suave, accomplished, socially immensely popular and very, very sure of himself. It had taken her a little under six months of marriage to discover that she had no love and very little respect for him at all.

Lindsey had never told anyone how she felt … not even her understanding aunt. Maybe Mrs Melbourne had guessed, but she had always respected Lindsey’s right to keep her innermost feelings to herself, and she had not questioned her. No one but Lindsey knew that she had been contemplating divorce when she discovered Richard was on the way. She had had to decide then whether she wished to leave Elvin and try to bring up the child alone, or make the best of her mistake and stay with her husband.

She had no doubt that she had grounds for divorce. Elvin had what her aunt would have called a “kept woman” … an actress of very inferior ability whom he had installed, long before he met Lindsey, in a flat in town. It was typical of Lindsey that she never told Elvin she knew about the other woman in his life until she had made up her mind what she was going to do about it. Elvin had been thoroughly disconcerted and quite weaponless when she told him calmly that she was pregnant, that she knew about the woman he kept in London, and that if he did not wish her to divorce him, he must pay the woman off and give her his word never to see her again.

Elvin had done both. In the following year, Lindsey had busied herself with her new baby son and kept her husband from her room. In fairness to him, she had had to admit that he had kept his word to her, at least as far as she knew, and was the best of husbands and fathers. In fact he was a devoted father and his young son seemed to mean everything in the world to him. Lindsey tried to rediscover her love for him, but either because it had never really existed, or because she could not bring herself to trust any man with her heart again, she had been unable to find anything more than affection for him. Because she felt it her duty, she had let herself become a wife to him in the full sense of the word and Simon was born nine months later. Now her two sons were eight and seven and Elvin was dead.

He had been killed out riding. Messages of sympathy had poured in from all their friends, and each one had left Lindsey with an even deeper feeling of guilt. For everyone had taken it for granted that they were a happily married and devoted couple and that she must be broken-hearted. Instead, she had felt nothing at all … not even regret. As the shock wore off, she had even known relief … relief that she no longer had to give her body to a man she did not love; that she need no longer pretend to Elvin and to anyone they knew an affection she had long ceased to have. It was because she felt unable to pretend any longer that she had refused to see anyone after the funeral except the lawyers.

Then she had had a further shock. They must have been living up to the limit of Elvin’s income. She had never bothered very much about money matters since Elvin had told her there was no need. They owned a large country house, three servants, two cars; Elvin had his hunter and the boys their ponies. Twice a year they went on holiday, once by themselves winter-sporting in Switzerland or Austria, once with the children to Cornwall in the summer. Elvin had given her a generous personal allowance and she had never been in need.

Now she learned that Elvin’s capital was exactly two hundred and fifty-two pounds. Apart from this, he had left her only what she would realize from the sale of their possessions. He had not even had a life insurance policy.

Lindsey did not mind for herself. But she had minded terribly for her two little sons. Both were at an expensive prep school in Surrey, which they loved, and both were down for one of the big public schools. She could not bear to relinquish the idea of giving them the education she had planned for them.

In her calm, practical way, she had worked everything out. The big house where they had lived for nine years was sold and realized six thousand pounds. She spent a little of this money on having the lodge at the drive gates modernized. It had been the gardener’s cottage and had a kitchen, two tiny bedrooms and one living-room. One of the bedrooms she had had converted into a bathroom, the other done up as a ship’s cabin for the boys. The living-room she had furnished cleverly with one or two of the smaller and nicest pieces from the house, with a divan where she herself would sleep when the boys were on holiday. The three servants were given notice, the horses and one of the cars sold. The old Austin she kept because she knew that if she were to take a job of any kind she must have transport to her work, and the nearest bus route or railway station were four miles away.

When the remainder of the furniture was sold, Lindsey found herself with ten thousand pounds. She immediately took the money to her bank and opened a special account for the boys’ education. It would cost her about two thousand five hundred pounds to keep the boys at prep school for another five years, with at least five hundred pounds for their clothes and extras. Another five thousand would be needed for their public school. The two thousand which remained she would need to draw on until she found work … for in the meanwhile she must keep herself and the boys in the holidays. It was not going to be easy.

It was her aunt who suggested she should start writing again. She had had a number of short stories published before she was married … light romantic stories which had sold surprisingly easily. If she could turn them out in sufficient quantities, or even attempt a novel, she could begin to make a name for herself and earn a living. Moreover, she could cram the maximum amount of work into the term time and leave herself free for Simon and Richard in the holidays.

Marie-Louise was asking her now about her work.

“Your aunt told me you’d taken up writing again, Lindsey. How is it going?”

Lindsey put down the coffee she had been making in the kitchen, and told her friend about the literary agent she had found and the few successes she had had with the work she had done so far. Marie-Louise listened sympathetically and before long Lindsey was telling her the true state of her finances. Marie-Louise was shocked. All Lindsey’s friends knew she had sold the big house and gone to live in the gardener’s cottage, but they had taken it for granted that The Lodge was large and that Lindsey had spent a lot of money “doing it up”, and was merely exchanging a large house for a smaller. None had known just how badly off she was, although Marie-Louise had been surprised when Lindsey showed her the extent of her little home.

Impulsively, she said:

“I think you’re wonderfully brave, Lindsey. All the same, I wish you’d come to me. You know I’d have lent you something to tide you over. I simply don’t understand Elvin … I mean, how could he have left so little money? We all thought you were rich folk!”

Lindsey smiled.

“I suppose it was because we lived like ‘rich folk’ that I find myself in this position now. But don’t worry, Marie-Louise. We’ll manage.”

“Perhaps you won’t have to manage for long,” Marie-Louise said slowly. “You’re still very young, darling, and lovelier than ever. You’ll marry again.”

Her last remark was a half question. She saw the colour flare into Lindsey’s pale cheeks and recede, leaving her whiter than before.

“Never, never!” she said violently.

Misunderstanding, Marie-Louise said gently:

“My dear, I know now it must seem impossible. I know how devoted you were to Elvin. But … well, one does somehow get over these things in time … and then you’ll fall in love with someone else.”

“I didn’t love Elvin.”

It was one of the rare occasions when Lindsey spoke impulsively. The words seemed to be dragged from deep down within her where they had lain secret for so many years. It was only a little while before she found herself telling Marie-Louise the whole story of her married life.

“So you see, I’ll never take another risk,” Lindsey ended quietly. “I loved Glynn once … and he betrayed that love. Then I thought I loved Elvin, only to find out he was worse! Oh, I know he was a good husband to me later. That’s one of the reasons I feel so guilty now. He tried so hard to make me love him … and he was very generous to me. Above all, he was a good father to Simon and Richard. But he knew I couldn’t love him … and we were neither of us happy. I should have tried harder … but I never knew—”

“Don’t reproach yourself, Lindsey. I’m sure Elvin wasn’t unhappy, and you did your best. You forgave him when you could have left him. The trouble with you, my friend, is that you are so much of an idealist. You always expect everything to be perfect. Human beings aren’t perfect. I’ve found that out for myself. And forgive me for saying this, darling, but you are a very hard judge. You know, all those years ago, you condemned Glynn without giving him a chance to explain. You wouldn’t even let me explain for him.”

“How could you explain?” Lindsey said helplessly. “Glynn couldn’t deny it when I asked him to tell me if it were true. I didn’t want to hear the details. I don’t now.”

“Lindsey, Glynn still loves you! He’s never married because of you, and he never will.”

Lindsey bit her lip.

“Did he ask you to come and tell me that?”

Marie-Louise was too truthful by nature to lie, even for Glynn’s sake. She nodded her head.

“He believed, as I did, that you loved Elvin. I think if he had known the truth he would have come himself. But he imagined you would be grieving and all he wanted was for me to tell you that he still cared … and always would. Lindsey, he wants to marry you. I know you don’t love him, but you surely have some fondness left for him. He’s very well off and he could give you and the boys a home. He’d make a good father, too … he’s always been fond of children. Couldn’t you think about it?”

“I’m sorry!” Lindsey said gently, because, after all, Glynn was Marie-Louise’s brother. “I wouldn’t marry anyone for what they could give me … knowing I could give nothing in return.”

“Then you really hate Glynn?”

Lindsey hesitated, seeking in her heart for the truth. She couldn’t deny that when her marriage had first started to go wrong she had sometimes thought of Glynn … sometimes remembered the sweetness and innocence and wonder of that first love. But always she remembered his betrayal and she had hated him even more violently than she had hated Elvin when she had discovered the same weakness in him. Because she had never loved Elvin as she had loved Glynn, never given her heart completely into his keeping as Glynn had once held it in his hands to do with as he wished, she had not felt the same depth of pain and disillusion. Even now, nearly twelve years later, she could feel again the torture of her emotions when she had told Glynn she never wanted to see him again. She had nursed her resentment against him; never hating him more than on those long silent nights when she had lain alone in her big double bed, Elvin’s wife, and longed for Glynn with all the remembered ardour of their passionate desire for each other. In her own way, she had been as unfaithful to Elvin in her mind as he had been to her. She hated Glynn for having had this power over her and now, when her longing for him was long since dead, only the hate remained and the feeling of guilt towards Elvin.

“I never want to see him again, Marie-Louise. I’m sorry … and I’m truly sorry if he still thinks himself in love with me. I believe that he only thinks it, if he really does, because I threw him over … the only one, probably, who did not succumb to his charms.”

“How bitter you are!” Marie-Louise said thoughtfully. “One wonders why!”

Lindsey swung round, her face tortured.

“It’s easy for you, Marie-Louise … or should I say difficult for you to understand? You fell in love and married a decent man who loves you. You’re still as much in love with him as the day you met him and he with you. How can you understand what it means to have that love trampled on? Can you not imagine your feelings if Mike behaved as Glynn did?”

“My dear, Glynn did next to nothing. If that was all Mike ever did to hurt me, I should forgive him a thousand times over. Loving means forgiving. Glynn only—”

“Please don’t let’s talk about him,” Lindsey broke in. “It’s all over and forgotten. There’s no use in harping back on what happened; and anyway, it isn’t right to be talking like this when it’s only a few months since Elvin was killed. I’m not hypocritical enough to pretend about my feelings for him, but I feel I do owe him some respect. He’s Simon’s and Richard’s father, and I’ll never forget that. They adored him.”

“How are they?” Marie-Louise asked, dropping the subject which seemed so painful to her friend.

Lindsey’s face lit up as it always did when she spoke of the children. Marie-Louise was godmother to Simon, and she was nearly as devoted to him as his mother! For a while they talked about the children.

“Won’t you come and stay a week with us during the Easter holidays?” Marie-Louise asked. Guessing the reason for Lindsey’s hesitation, she added: “Glynn won’t be there … he’s going abroad with some friends. Do come, Lindsey! Mike will enjoy the boys’ company, and they can all go riding together.”

“The boys don’t ride any more,” Lindsey said. “I’d rather they didn’t have even the odd ride. I explained to them that we couldn’t afford it now and that they would have to give up luxuries if they wanted to stay at school. They both chose school without hesitation.”

“You mean, you let them choose?” Marie-Louise asked surprised.

Lindsey smiled.

“Yes! They’re quite old enough to understand if you explain to them simply. I don’t believe children should be treated as shuttlecocks to be batted around at their parents’ wishes. They’ve got minds and brains and a certain amount of intelligence. I showed them on paper how much money we had, roughly what it would cost to keep them at school, how little we would have over for the holidays. I told them the advantages of the school life, more especially as they have no father at home to teach and train them … how they might benefit later. I dare say there was a lot they didn’t understand, but they knew I thought it best and they trust me. So when I left them to decide and told them I would act on their wishes, they talked it over and decided on school.”

“Aged eight and seven years!” Marie-Louise gasped.

Lindsey laughed.

“Well, children are very logical. If you’d heard their discussion, you’d understand. It went something like this: Simon, ‘I want to go on riding!’ Richard, ‘Well, there’s a swimming-pool at school … and shooting and boxing and soccer!’ ‘But we mightn’t be able to go to the circus at Christmas.’ ‘Well, we’ve seen a circus once.’ ‘Well, I’d jolly well hate to leave school. And school’s longer than holiday time …’ So, you see, they weighed up the advantages quite coolly and made their choice,” Lindsey ended.

“Their minds are uncluttered,” Marie-Louise said thoughtfully. “I sometimes wish we could all be at school again and able to decide things so easily.”

“Yes!” said Lindsey. “So do I!”

When Marie-Louise left late that afternoon, Lindsey went back to her desk and pulled out her typewriter. Because of the wasted day, she was five hundred words behind schedule. But then, the day hadn’t really been wasted. She had renewed her friendship with Marie-Louise and it had only now made her realize how lonely and alone she had been in spirit. Maybe this was not such a good thing after all. She could not settle down to work and sat motionless at her desk for a long while, thinking over the day’s conversation and remembering … remembering …

“I will not live in the past!” she said suddenly aloud. “I will live for the future … for the boys and for my work. . .