Get ready for your next favorite romantic comedy audiobook from Lauren Blakely, The Real Deal!
April Hamilton wants you to know she hasn't been on Craigslist since that time she sold her futon after college. She doesn't even spend that much time online. And even if she did, she would not be looking up personal ads. But going home alone for her family's summer reunion is an invitation for every single relative to butt into her personal life. She simply can't handle another blind date with the butcher, the baker or the candlestick maker from her hometown. So when she finds the Craigslist ad for a boyfriend-for-hire, she's ready to pay to play.
Release date:
July 10, 2018
Publisher:
St. Martin's Publishing Group
Print pages:
304
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Texts are for topics both easy and emotional, from I’ll meet you at Jane’s at 7 to I got the new gig to Don’t let that jerk get you down.
An email means a friend snagged a great deal on makeup, a massage, or a flight out of town, so she’s forwarding it to you. It might also mean one of your crazy relatives is trying to pitch you on a blind date with her butcher.
But a ring-a-ling-ling? That means someone died, or someone’s going to disappoint you so badly, it’ll feel like death.
Fine, perhaps I’m being dramatic. Some might say I have a penchant for theatrics. But let’s get real—who the hell uses the phone function anymore besides telemarketers or the insurance company? And, for the record, insurance companies don’t call with good news.
Point proved.
When Xavier’s high-cheekboned, so-pretty-I-covet-it face flashes on my phone, my Spidey-senses flare.
I adjust the strap on my fifty-ton bag of paint, makeup, and brushes. It’s digging into my shoulder, but that’s what it does. It dents me daily as I walk around Manhattan. I slide a finger across the screen and answer. “You’re in prison and you need me to post bail?”
Xavier’s laughter rings bright in my ear. “Love, you know you’d be the last person I’d call. You never have enough cash on hand for that.”
“Not true. I always carry at least two hundred dollars.” I lower my sunglasses over my eyes and weave through the afternoon crowds on Seventh Avenue. “Usually in small bills, though. In case I need to slip any in the G-strings of hot men at strip clubs. Oh, look. There’s the Magic Mike bar. Gotta go make it rain for some hotties. But seriously. What’s up, handsome? Are you all right? You never call unless you’re bemoaning the loss of a hot date.”
Okay, fine. I’ve spoken to my good friend a few times on the phone, but we always make arrangements for a call via text first. See? My point still stands.
A loudspeaker crackles from his side of the call. “Attention in the boarding area. We’re about to begin boarding for Flight 405 to London.”
All the air leaks out of me as I stop in my tracks outside a wig shop in the Village. A mannequin sporting a purple bob stares at me.
“April, I have good news and bad news.” Xavier’s tone is cheery. It’s the official tone one adopts when delivering news that will feel terribly devastating to the recipient. Three, two, one, go: “The good news is I landed a last-minute opportunity and I’m heading to London for a photo shoot for the new Timeless Watch.”
His news is devastating to me, but even so, I shriek. A woman in a sharp gray suit raises an eyebrow as she marches past. “That’s amazing!” I can’t mask my excitement even if I would like to swat him with a makeup brush for leaving me high and dry at the worst possible time.
“The bad news—”
“You can’t be my date at the family reunion,” I say because, yes, this is horrible. But even if I’m out the hottest piece of arm candy, I’d be a total doucheberry if I wasn’t excited for this huge opportunity. Generally, I strive to avoid being a doucheberry, a douchecanoe, or douchenozzle. And honestly, if there are other types of douches one can be, I don’t want to be them either. “This is amazing for you. You’re on the cusp of breaking into the big time.”
“Do you really think this could be my big break?”
I nod resolutely. “Of course. The Timeless shoot is huge. It’s only the hottest watchmaker in the world. Have you ever seen a guy wear one of those watches? They basically send all women into heat.”
He laughs. “Some men, too.”
“There’s just something ridiculously sexy about a man wearing a big fancy wristwatch.”
I resume my path to the subway, staring longingly at the cabs, Lyfts, and Ubers zipping by. I want to hail a taxi or order up a car stat, but I remind myself that all this damn walking with my makeup and paint is akin to a CrossFit workout. Those people who toss tires in parking lots in suburbia? Pssh. I’ll show them. Try trudging through Manhattan with a bag full of body paint and hordes of harried New Yorkers to battle your way through. I’m the baddest badass in all of Fitnesslandia. I don’t need a stinking gym membership.
“And now I’ll be the man wearing the big fancy wristwatch in the ads. I’m so excited about this.” Xavier lets out a small scream of his own, then reins it in. “My group is about to board. Listen, you have to know I was so looking forward to playing your new boyfriend in front of Aunt Jeanie, Cousin Katie, and—who’s the other one who fancies herself a matchmaker?”
“My sister, Xavier. My sister, Tess.”
“Right. Her. I was looking forward to pretending to be your man. It would have been a true and challenging test for me.”
“Thanks,” I say dryly.
“You know what I mean, love.”
“I do, and now I just have to find someone else,” I say, letting some of my frustration trickle into my voice.
The thing is, I can’t just suck this up and go dateless to the Hamilton Family Reunion, which comes complete with a day at the amusement park, a Hula-Hooping contest, lawn bowling, and Lord only knows what additional activities my parents have planned. Probably rock climbing, rope swinging, necklace beading, strawberry picking, and T-shirt tie-dyeing.
I’d rather take a cruise in the Arctic with ten thousand time-share salesmen than go solo to this extravaganza. My sister is already chomping at the bit to set me up.
“Are you seeing someone?” she asked in an email last week. “If not, I can ask Mark to be your scavenger hunt partner at the reunion. He’s fabulous, and guess what? He’s added tri-tip steak to the menu. It tastes absolutely amazing with pesto sauce. You must try it. Mark can tell you all about how the pesto is made.”
Mark runs the local sandwich shop in my hometown. He’s nice, and exceedingly boring.
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