The Loved One

by Evelyn Waugh

Genres: Classics; Literary Fiction; Satire

Synopsis

Following the death of a friend, the poet and pets' mortician Dennis Barlow finds himself entering the artificial Hollywood paradise of the Whispering Glades Memorial Park. Within its golden gates, death, American-style, is wrapped up and sold like a package holiday-and Dennis gets drawn into a bizarre love triangle with Aimée Thanatogenos, a naïve Californian corpse beautician, and Mr. Joyboy, a master of the embalmer's art. Waugh's dark and savage satire on the Anglo-American cultural divide depicts a world where reputation, love, and death cost a very great deal.

Release date: December 11, 2012

Publisher: Little, Brown and Company

Print pages: 176

Sample

All day the heat had been barely supportable but at evening a breeze arose in the west, blowing from the heart of the setting sun and from the ocean, which lay unseen, unheard behind the scrubby foothills. It shook the rusty fingers of palm-leaf and swelled the dry sounds of summer, the frog-voices, the grating cicadas, and the ever present pulse of music from the neighboring native huts.

In that kindly light the stained and blistered paint of the bungalow and the plot of weeds between the verandah and the dry water-hole lost their extreme shabbiness, and the two Englishmen, each in his rocking-chair, each with his whisky and soda and his outdated magazine, the counterparts of numberless fellow-countrymen exiled in the barbarous regions of the world, shared in the brief illusory rehabilitation.

“Ambrose Abercrombie will be here shortly,” said the elder. “I don’t know why. He left a message he would come. Find another glass, Dennis, if you can.” Then he added more petulantly: “Kierkegaard, Kafka, Connolly, Compton Burnett, Sartre, ‘Scottie’ Wilson. Who are they? What do they want?”

“I’ve heard of some of them. They were being talked about in London at the time I left.”

“They talked of ‘Scottie’ Wilson?”

“No. I don’t think so. Not of him.”

“That’s ‘Scottie’ Wilson. Those drawings there. Do they make any sense to you?”

“No.”

“No.”

Sir Francis Hinsley’s momentary animation subsided. He let fall his copy of Horizon and gazed towards the patch of deepening shadow which had once been a pool. His was a sensitive, intelligent face, blurred somewhat by soft living and long boredom. “It was Hopkins once,” he said; “Joyce and Freud and Gertrude Stein. I couldn’t make any sense of them either. I never was much good at anything new. ‘Arnold Bennett’s debt to Zola’; ‘Flecker’s debt to Henley.’ That was the nearest I went to the moderns. My best subjects were ‘The English Parson in English Prose’ or ‘Cavalry Actions with the Poets’—that kind of thing. People seemed to like them once. Then they lost interest. I did too. I was always the most defatigable of hacks. I needed a change. I’ve never regretted coming away. The climate suits me. They are a very decent generous lot of people out here and they don’t expect you to listen. Always remember that, dear boy. It’s the secret of social ease in this country. They talk entirely for their own pleasure. Nothing they say is designed to be heard.”

“Here comes Ambrose Abercrombie,” said the young man.

“Evening, Frank. Evening, Barlow,” said Sir Ambrose Abercrombie coming up the steps. “It’s been another scorcher, eh? Mind if I take a pew? When,” he added aside to the young man who helped him to whisky. “Right up with soda, please.”

Sir Ambrose wore dark gray flannels, an Eton Rambler tie, an I Zingari ribbon on his boater hat. This was his invariable dress on sunny days; whenever the weather allowed it he wore a deer-stalker cap and an Inverness cape. He was still on what Lady Abercrombie fatuously called the “right” side of sixty but having for many years painfully feigned youth, he now aspired to the honors of age. It was his latest quite vain wish that people should say of him: “Grand old boy.”

“Been meaning to look you up for a long time. Trouble about a place like this one’s so darn busy, one gets in a groove and loses touch. Doesn’t do to lose touch. We limeys have to stick together. You shouldn’t hide yourself away, Frank, you old hermit.”

“I remember a time when you lived not so far away.”

“Did I? ’Pon my soul I believe you’re right. That takes one back a bit. It was before we went to Beverly Hills. Now, as of course you know, we’re in Bel Air. But to tell the truth I’m getting a bit restless there. I’ve got a bit of land out on Pacific Palisades. Just waiting for building costs to drop. Where was it I used to live? Just across the street, wasn’t it?”

Just across the street, twenty years or more ago, when this neglected district was the center of fashion, Sir Francis, in prime middle-age, was then the only knight in Hollywood, the doyen of English society, chief scriptwriter in Megalopolitan Pictures and President of the Cricket Club. Then the young, or youngish Ambrose Abercrombie used to bounce about the lots in his famous series of fatiguing roles, acrobatic, heroic, historic, and come almost nightly to Sir Francis for refreshment. English titles abounded now in Hollywood, several of them authentic, and Sir Ambrose had been known to speak slightingly of Sir Francis as a “Lloyd George creation.” The seven-league boots of failure had carried the old and the ageing man far apart. Sir Francis had descended to the Publicity Department and now held rank, one of a dozen, as Vice-President of the Cricket Club. His swimming-pool which had once flashed like an aquarium with the limbs of long-departed beauties was empty now and cracked and over-grown with weed.

Yet there was a chivalric bond between the two.

“How are things at Megalo?” asked Sir Ambrose.

“Greatly disturbed. We are having trouble with Juanita del Pablo.”

“ ‘Luscious, languid and lustful’?”

“Those are not the correct epithets. She is—or rather was—‘Surly, lustrous and sadistic.’ I should know because I composed the phrase myself. It was a ‘smash-hit,’ as they say, and set a new note in personal publicity.

“Miss del Pablo has been a particular protégée of mine from the first. I remember the day she arrived. Poor Leo bought her for her eyes. She was called Baby Aaronson then—splendid eyes and a fine head of black hair. So Leo made her Spanish. He had most of her nose cut off and sent her to Mexico for six weeks to learn Flamenco singing. Then he handed her over to me. I named her. I made her an antifascist refugee. I said she hated men because of her treatment by Franco’s Moors. That was a new angle then. It caught on. And she was really quite good in her way, you know—with a truly horrifying natural scowl. Her legs were never photogénique but we kept her in long skirts and used an understudy for the lower half in scenes of violence. I was proud of her and she was good for another ten years’ work at least.

“And now there’s been a change of policy at the top. We are only making healthy films this year to please the League of Decency. So poor Juanita has to start at the beginning again as an Irish colleen. They’ve bleached her hair and dyed it vermilion. I told them colleens were dark but the technicolor men insisted. She’s working ten hours a day learning the brogue and to make it harder for the poor girl they’ve pulled all her teeth out. She never had to smile before and her own set was good enough for a snarl. Now she’ll have to laugh roguishly all the time. That means dentures.

“I’ve spent three days trying to find a name to please her. She’s turned everything down. Maureen—there are two here already; Deirdre—no one could pronounce it; Oonagh—sounds Chinese; Bridget—too common. The truth is she’s in a thoroughly nasty temper.”

Sir Ambrose, in accordance with local custom, had refrained from listening.

“Ah,” he said, “healthy films. All for ’em. I said to the Knife and Fork Club, ‘I’ve always had two principles throughout all my life in motion-pictures: never do before the camera what you would not do at home and never do at home what you would not do before the camera.’ ”

He enlarged this theme while Sir Francis, in his turn, sequestered his thoughts. Thus the two knights sat for nearly an hour, side by side in their rocking-chairs, alternately eloquent and abstracted, gazing into the gloaming through their monocles while the young man from time to time refilled their glasses and his own.

The time was apt for reminiscence and in his silent periods Sir Francis strayed back a quarter of a century and more to foggy London streets lately set free for all eternity from fear of the Zeppelin; to Harold Monro reading aloud at the Poetry Bookshop; Blunden’s latest in the London Mercury; Robin de la Condamine at the Phoenix matinees; luncheon with Maud in Grosvenor Square, tea with Gosse in Hanover Terrace; eleven neurotic balladmongers in a Fleet Street pub just off for a day’s cricket in Metroland, the boy with the galley-proofs plucking at his sleeve; numberless toasts at numberless banquets to numberless Immortal Memories…

Sir Ambrose had a more adventurous past but he lived existentially. He thought of himself as he was at that moment, brooded fondly on each several excellence and rejoiced.

“Well,” he said at length, “I should be toddling. Mustn’t keep the missus waiting”; but he made no move and turned instead to the young man. “And how are things with you, Barlow? We haven’t seen you on the cricket field lately. Very busy at Megalo, I suppose?”

“No. As a matter of fact my contract ran out three weeks ago.”

“I say, did it? Well, I expect you’re glad of a rest. I know I should be.” The young man did not answer. “If you’ll take my advice, just sit easy for a time until something attractive turns up. Don’t jump at the first thing. These fellows out here respect a man who knows his own value. Most important to keep the respect of these fellows.

“We limeys have a peculiar position to keep up, yo. . .