The First Day of the Rest of My Life

by Cathy Lamb

Genres: Family Life; Women's Fiction; Siblings

Synopsis

In this deeply moving and wonderfully insightful novel, acclaimed author Cathy Lamb explores what can happen when one woman decides to reclaim her past-and her future-no matter where they lead. . .

Madeline O'Shea tells people what to do with their lives. A renowned life coach, she inspires thousands of women through her thriving practice-exuding enviable confidence along with her stylish suits and sleek hair. But her confidence, just like her fashionable demeanor, is all a front.

For decades, Madeline has lived in fear of her traumatic past becoming public. Now a reporter is reinvestigating the notorious crime that put Madeline's mother behind bars, threatening to destroy her elaborate façade. Only Madeline's sister, Annie, and their frail grandparents know about her childhood--but lately Madeline has reason to wonder if her grandparents also have a history they've been keeping from her.

As the demons of the past swirl around her, a tough, handsome judge with a gentle heart is urging Madeline to have faith in him-and in herself. And as she allows her resistance to thaw, the pain she expects pales in comparison to the surprises headed straight to her door. With one bold, unprecedented move, Madeline O'Shea may just wake up out of the sadness and guilt that have kept her sleepwalking through life for so long-and discover that the worst thing that can happen is sometimes the very thing we desperately need.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life is an eloquent and triumphant tale of a fierce act of love, a family's legacy, and one woman's awakening to her own power-with no secrets. . .. .

Release date: January 28, 2011

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 432

Sample

The Gunshot Anniversary is coming up.

Those six gunshots have echoed throughout my entire life.

They grabbed everyone’s attention in the courthouse pretty darn quick, too.

Bang, bang, bang!

There was the expected cacophony of panic with people screaming and diving to the floor, attorneys scattering, the jury ducking, reporters squawking, photographers scrambling for a photo, and the sheriff barreling toward the gunman.

Or, more properly should I say, the gunwoman.

The gunwoman was my momma.

Marie Elise O’Shea was a well-dressed shooter. She wore her light pink dress with embroidered white daisies circling the trim, matching cotton candy pink heels, red lipstick, liquid black liner that tilted up at the corners, and a yellow ribbon holding back her thick black hair. “Yellow means there’s still hope in this pickled, wrinkled, warped world, sugar,” she told me. “Yellow means there’s a new tomorrow scootin’ around the corner, you just wait.”

She looked a little weak, a little tired, but still beautiful, innocent even, the gun a strange, black aberration in her firm grip.

Annie and I were the only two people in the courtroom that sunny spring day who didn’t move when she started shooting. We knew she would never shoot us.

She was shooting for us. Shooting for her daughters, and she had excellent aim. Momma had been raised on a farm in Oregon with fruit trees and rows of lavender and enjoyed target practice as an after-school activity. Some would argue her perfect aim was a good thing, others would argue it was not.

Right before my momma shot off her ladies’ gun she said to those three men, in a voice as hard as a chunk of iron, “This is from Big Luke. He’s going to escort you to hell. Good-bye.” She spread her legs in her cotton candy pink heels so she would have perfect balance, then whipped her gun out from her bra.

Bang, bang, bang. Dead on target. Three more shots to call it good.

Sheriff Ellery knew he did not need to tackle my momma as he would have with any other shooter. He sprinted up to her, sweating, and scolded, “Now, sugar, you shouldn’t have done that.”

Momma didn’t argue with him. She handed over the gun to the puffing, distressed sheriff amidst the utter chaos and declared, “Ellery, I had to. You know they’ve been threatening to come after my girls as soon as they’re loosed from prison and I can’t have that. I won’t be around to protect them.” She held out her wrists for the handcuffs. “Careful, honey. Don’t you break my nails. And make sure your wife knows that I will not be able to make her appointment tomorrow for her Cut ’n Blow.”

Sheriff Ellery, clearly upset, almost crying, but not because of the missed Cut ’n Blow appointment, snapped the cuffs on. He did not break Momma’s nails. His wife was all aflutter about missing Marie Elise’s Splendid, Superior Cut ’n Blow. Her niece’s wedding was coming up, and the niece’s mother, her older sister, who was so hoity-toity, would be there with her “piggly comments,” and now who would get her all fixed up to do battle with “that pig-dragon witch? Who? Why couldn’t Marie Elise have done the shooting on Monday? She knew I had this wedding !”

Momma went to jail on that sunny spring day and worked her magic on the nails, hair, and makeup of many female convicts. One of them later became the owner of a beauty supply chain, inspired by “the transformation Marie Elise made to my wretched hair and face. She made me believe in me. Me, Birdie Tyson, former delinquent.” She named her highest selling shampoo Marie Elise’s Pink.

Some say it was my momma’s parents’ money that got her out of jail because of the supersmart attorneys they hauled on in. Most said it was because the men she shot deserved it and more. But I knew why my momma’s life was spared.

It was because of Marie Elise’s French Beauty Parlor. Yes, the magic my momma brought to her beauty parlor saved her life.

At least that time it did.

“Ladies,” I boomed out, my arms spread high in the air, spotlights shining down so bright I could barely see the thousands of Texan women screaming in the audience, “I want you to ask yourselves this question: Do you want to live your life like a mouse—a timid, tepid, squeaking, ineffectual, irritating mouse—or do you want to live your life like Mrs. Spinoza? Which one? Which one?”

“Mrs. Spinoza! Spinoza!” thousands of women shouted back at me. “Spinoza!”

“That’s right! You want to be a Mrs. Spinoza!” I fisted my hands in victory in the middle of the stage as I concluded my speech. My proper black, boring, expensive business suit and I were projected onto three screens in the auditorium. It was what I thought a life coach who needed armor should wear.

“Spinoza, Spinoza!”

“Ladies, Mrs. Spinoza was fearless. She was adventurous. She was curious. She was a ball-breaking, get out of my way, I’m going to live my life with no boulders in it kind of lady! What are you going to do with your boulders?”

“Crush them, crush them!” they yelled back at me.

“What are you going to do with the mountains in your life?”

“Climb them, climb them!”

“That’s right, you’re going to climb them! You’re going to put your heels on and climb over them! Put your heels on, scream it with me!”

“Put your heels on!” they screamed, a wave of feminine rage, freedom, and defiance. “Put your heels on!”

I strutted across the stage in my heels. Not high-stylin’ heels, boring ones. The ones that say: I mean business. “No squeaking, ladies. Speak your mind even if your voice wobbles. Speak up for yourself, no one else will! Don’t restrict yourself and the wacky-cool possibilities in your future, and stop allowing others to restrict you! If they don’t like the new you, go out and make yourself some new friends, make yourself a new family with people who love to live, to laugh, to have adventures! And stop worrying about what you look like, for heaven’s sakes! We’ve had enough of men telling us how to look, haven’t we?”

“Yes. We. Have!” they roared.

“Let your hair down, Texas!” I ripped a rubber band out of my hair and shook loose my dark brown straight hair. It had been mercilessly flat ironed because the curls reminded me of something I tried every day to forget. “Let it dry in the wind while you explore Norway! Let your nails chip and split while you volunteer to dig wells in Africa! Leave your makeup at home when you trek through India! And when you’re back in the workforce, put those red high heels on and stride like you mean it! Stride, don’t step. Stride! Like you mean it!”

Whooee. Yell and shout. Screams from the bottom of those women’s feisty souls.

“Ladies, thank you,” I hollered into a massive standing ovation. “Now get out there and live the heel-kicking life your gut tells you to live! Kick your heels!”

I left the stage, the screaming crested, stayed there, deafening, and I was hustled back on. My final words: “Don’t forget the O’Shea number one principle!”

I waited for a millisecond, until they shouted it back at me.

“Kick some girly ass, kick some girly ass,” they chanted while clapping in sync, as I’d taught them. “Kick some girly ass!”

I laughed, waved, left the stage.

I was hustled out of the auditorium, hugged and thanked by the Ladies Power organizers as they insisted I come back next year, and gently shoved into a limo. The limo pulled away before the crowd left.

I leaned back in the seat and started to shake. I shook like someone had turned a blender on high inside my stomach.

I am a life coach, specializing in relationships, mostly for people with vaginas. I tell people what to do with their lives and who to have in it.

And I had told, over a three-day period, a whole bunch of women that they had to take charge of their lives, be adventurous like Mrs. Spinoza, my neighbor for years before she died at the age of ninety-nine at the Great Wall of China, her camera slung around her neck. She had been talking to two young Swedish men about the joys of Russian vodka and toppled right on over. “A death you can be proud of,” I said.

I told them not to take any crap, “Live a Crapless Life”; to try new things, “Try New, No Wallowing in the Moldy Old”; how not to feel caged by guilt, remorse, or regret, “Unstrap Your Emotional Corsets”; and to reexamine commitments made decades ago to a life they no longer wanted to lead, “Release Yourself From Your Personal Prison.”

I am pathetic.

Emotional crap wraps me like bondage. I am hounded by guilt. Remorse smothers me. I have so many regrets I could lay them end to end and they would cover Uranus. I have an emotional corset over my entire face. In my semielectrocuted mind, I am wallowing in my own personal prison with very wide iron bars, a dirt floor, and no windows.

Here is the truth: I am a lie. I am a lie to others, I am a lie to myself.

I kept shaking.

“You all right, ma’am?” the limo driver said, his brow wrinkled in concern.

“Yes. Fine. Fine. I’m fine.”

Sure. Sure I was.

I heard the violin music in my head, a single violinist. I’ve been hearing violinists and full orchestras my whole life. I don’t know why this is, I don’t know where the concerts come from, I don’t know why no one but me hears them. It’s a tricky phenomenon I can’t explain. I only know that the violin music is as much a part of my life as my lungs are a part of my breathing.

The violinist was playing Beethoven’s Für Elise.

How fitting.

Very late that night I flew into Portland, Oregon, drove down a couple of freeways, and returned to the house I live in that I do not like.

It’s built like a square spaceship. The lines are smooth and hard, and the furniture’s the same way. Modern and edgy, like what you’d see in one of those architectural magazines. In fact, it has been in architectural magazines.

I like the view. I can watch the weather become emotional, but I don’t like where I’m standing when I look at it.

Why did I buy it?

Besides the fact that it’s exactly, purposefully, totally opposite from the home I grew up in, I bought it so I can prove that I’m someone. I live here because it’s an impressive house. It’s expensive. Prestigious address. Do I care? Obviously I do. Why? I’m working on that.

My decorator picked all of the hard-edged, oddly shaped furniture. I was not interested in helping.

“Don’t you want to shop with me, Madeline?”

“No. I hate shopping.”

“Don’t you want to look at colors together, designs?”

“No, that would bore me.”

“Don’t you want to choose the furniture for your own house?”

“No.”

“Why not?” She was baffled.

“Because I don’t care.”

She didn’t get it, didn’t get me. No surprise. Few people do. I wrote the check, she did the work. I now have a house decorated in angles, planes, corners. It’s geometric decorating. You didn’t like geometry in school? Me either. And yet I live in geometry.

To fill the cold, detached space, I play my violin. I have played my violin to fill every cold, detached place in my life since I was a child. I am a rebel violinist and I had a rebel violin teacher from the time I moved to Oregon. I play classical, bluegrass, Texan-style fiddling, Irish reels and waltzes, and swing music.

My violin has small scratches and dents and a bloodstain on the inside. The blood has sunk into the wood, and if you turn it this way and that, it resembles a smashed butterfly. I know it’s blood because my grandma made the mistake of answering me truthfully one night when I was a teenager.

We were sitting on her expansive white deck on The Lavender Farm, which Granddad built for her because he knew she loved the view of the rows of lavender. I had just finished practicing Küchler’s Concertino in D Major, opus 15 and I asked her about the butterfly spot. In French she said, “Oh, that mark? That is blood.”

“That’s blood?” I answered in French. My grandparents and my momma were from France, and taught Annie and me French. My grandparents also taught us, as they had our momma, German. We are better at French.

Her face shut down. Slammed shut.

“Grandma, blood?” I knew the violin had been my momma’s. “How did it get there?”

She waved me off, her jumbo-sized diamond wedding ring flashing. She muttered in German, “I don’t know. Silly me. I don’t know why I said that.”

“But Grandma,” I said back to her, in German, “I want to know about the blood.”

“No, you don’t,” she snapped, then seemed to regret her clipped words, her lips tightening. She tucked the waves of her thick white curls back into a ball on top of her head. “It is not blood. It is . . . a stain. I think it is from red grapes.”

“Red grapes? How would a red grape get in there?”

“It’s a question mark, isn’t it?” She patted my hand. “Maybe a peasant with a swirling black cape borrowed the violin from your momma and was playing it by a grapevine and one ripe, juicy grape popped in. Or maybe a falling star knocked the grapes off and they landed in the violin when your mother was dancing in a field with a fawn, a crown of daisies on her head.”

As my grandma was an incredibly popular children’s author and illustrator, her answer was not surprising. “What about all these other scratches and these dents?” I pointed to them, here, there, everywhere. It was an old violin.

She ran a gentle hand over my cheek, then spoke in French again, her luminescent blue-green eyes filling with tears. “All those marks are a mystery to me. A mystery. Perhaps a grumpy bluebird came down and scratched the violin when we weren’t looking. Perhaps a bear’s paw made that dent as he danced a jig. Perhaps an elf came and hit it against his knee. All a mystery.”

But I knew the marks weren’t a mystery to her. I knew she was lying. I knew because her hands shook and she blinked to clear a wall of tears.

“Grandma . . .” I didn’t like to upset my grandma. I loved her dearly. She had saved me, saved us, but I wanted to know about the blood.

“All I know for sure is that I love you, my darling.” She kissed my cheeks, four times, back and forth, as the French do. My grandma was slim and trim—she walked five miles a day over the hills of her property—and she always dressed impeccably. Scarves, jewelry, hats on special occasions, heels. She dressed French. Even her hands still looked young, especially when she was drawing and painting the swans that graced her children’s books, her imagination a free-flowing, curving, color-filled playground.

“Come, let’s walk between the lavender rows. We’ll drop a few marbles between the plants for magic and I’ll tell you a story about a wee swan who always wore pink, not black like all the other swans in her school. She loved the color pink and she loved sparkling shoes for her webbed feet. Now, one day, this swan . . .”

But lately, long years later, I don’t have the same grandma. She has rounded the corner into dementia, and she says things like, “If you go to the left you will die, if you go to the right you will live but they will pull off your arms and legs and run you naked where the swans can’t come” or “Pile up, pile down, the black ghosts are coming and we have to hide in the lavender or a barn. Be quiet!”

Always, always, I have known that there are secrets in my family, lies, if you will, loving lies, cover-up lies, but lies all the same. With my grandma’s dementia, however, those lies are being exposed, via the scratches, dents, and blood on a violin my momma gave me, who received it from Grandma.

So, in my more brutal moments, I acknowledge this truth: I am a lie. I come from a family of liars. What saves me is that I love the liars.

“She’s on the phone again,” Georgie told me.

“Tell her I don’t want to talk to her.” I clenched my teeth and shook my head. I had come to hate the woman on the phone. It wasn’t personal. I hated her because of what she was trying to do to my carefully constructed, fragile life and to my sister’s carefully constructed, fragile life.

“Ms. O’Shea is not available to speak with you right now, Marlene,” Georgie said with firm professionalism.

Georgie is my assistant. She has a dog, Stanley, who barked twice at me, then lifted a paw. I shook it. He barked again. I kneeled and hugged him, the dog’s head cuddling into my neck, paws on my shoulders. If I don’t hug him, he won’t stop barking. When I tried to pull away, he held on tight and wheezed in my ear.

“I said, no,” Georgie said. “That is a refusal. A negative. A denial.” Her tone clashed with her dyed, snow white hair with pink tips, her lace skirt, and her cowboy boots. She is twenty-five and can wear anything. I look at her and am reminded that I have broken and smashed my momma’s cardinal rule on clothing : Don’t you dare be a frump. Don’t you dare! Let yourself shine.

“Why are you having such inner turmoil with the word no?” Georgie went on. “Ms. O’Shea is not available. This is not a wishy-washy philosophical difference that you can play with and manipulate at will. Your spectrum of denial is puzzling me.”

I didn’t know what a spectrum of denial was. I would ask later.

“Ms. O’Shea has already given you her answer. She does not want to be interviewed for the article.... No, she does not have to participate. There is free choice in her spiritual and in her legal reign.... No, you are not to call her family, either. Do not contact the Laurents. They are elderly and do not wish to speak to you. Fry me on that one.”

I shuddered and took a ragged breath as a sense of wretched doom tripped along my nerves. Stanley squeezed my neck. He is so affectionate.

I had hardly slept. When the sun was still grumpy and tired, I drove to my office in a fancy building in downtown Portland to begin my usual fifteen-hour day. My office has three rooms: the reception area, which is decorated with leather chairs, taupe colored walls, and modern art paintings and sculptures; a conference room with a wall of windows and a long mahogany table for group meetings; and my office, in the corner, with two walls of windows, my thick glass desk with raw edges, a leather V couch over a colorful rug, and more modern art.

I really do not like modern art.

“The family will not talk to you,” Georgie said again. “We have already told you no. Release your request from your inner being and go spearhead someone else before I freakin’ let you have it.”

I had to love Georgie’s manner. New wave with a shot of bullying.

“Fine. Go ahead and talk to the kids she grew up with.” Georgie tapped the tattoo on her arm. It’s a picture of her grandma smoking a cigar. “I can’t muzzle everyone in her childhood, but stop unleashing your irritating personality on us.”

I froze at that. Marlene was talking to people in my childhood ? Who? I thought of one person in particular. What would he say? How would he react? Would he refuse to talk or would he admit the truth, publicly? He’d been on TV two nights ago. . . .

I released Stanley, and he barked in protest, as he was not done with the hug. I ignored him and grabbed the phone from Georgie. “Listen, Marlene, this is the last time. Either you stop calling me or I’ll call the police and have you arrested for harassment. Are you getting this? Do not call me, do not e-mail me, do not contact me or my family in any way, shape, or form.”

I listened, feeling my fury boil like hot tar as I fought back utter, bleak, white-hot fear.

“We are not cooperating because we don’t want the article written.” I listened for a moment. “Marlene, if you persist with this article, I will shove legal papers up your ass so fast you won’t be able to sit on a toilet for a week, and then I will start on that rag you call a magazine. You will not print anything about my family or our past. You will leave the whole thing alone. You will kill the story because there is no story. None.” I hung up.

I stood by Georgie’s desk, trembling head to foot. I hate the shakes. I do. And I hate Marlene with a passion. It is not personal.

“Call my attorney again,” I told her, breathless. I have a problem with breathing. “Get Keith Stein on the line right now.”

“Got it.” Georgie picked the phone back up. I liked her. She was smart and loyal. I had given her a very sketchy, brief outline of why Marlene wanted to write the article. She had nodded, taken it in, allowed me not to fill in the blanks that I didn’t want to share. She’s a confident person and she’s okay with blanks.

Stanley barked at me. Twice. I shook his hand, he barked, I hugged him as certain scenes of my past rushed in like a noose, squeezing the life out of my esophagus. I smelled sweat, cigarettes, and a dank shack. I closed my eyes.

Within a minute I was rapid-fire talking to Keith. I’ve known Keith since high school. He was a bulldog when we were younger and he’s a bulldog now with a broad, spiky bite. He owns a megasuccessful law firm and boils people down on a regular basis for breakfast. He enjoys his work. “Shut her down, Keith. I don’t care what you have to do, but shut her down.”

“I am here to find my inner being. It’s here somewhere.” She batted her false eyelashes. “I think it might be hiding in my Prada.”

“I am here to begin my descent and foray into the world.” Her sister tapped her designer shoes. I believe they cost eight hundred dollars.

“I am here to spread my wings and fly. Fly and fly. Fly.” The third sister flapped, diamond tennis bracelets flashing.

“Fun and fun!” Adriana laughed.

“Wicked naughty!” Bella giggled.

“Fantabulous!” Carlotta gushed.

I do not like handling three-way coaching sessions. However, I have made an exception for the Giordano sisters this past year because they are so flamboyant and hilarious, altogether. It’s like dealing with three incoming fashion missiles. They each take turns talking, one after another, in alphabetical order. “So we never dominate one another’s spirits,” Adriana told me. “We each take a turn on the verbal stage of life.” Bella sighed. “We like to be in sync with one another, in harmony,” Carlotta tittered.

They are of Sicilian descent.

Adriana, Bella, and Carlotta are all unusual women. They are in their thirties, and because of a massive amount of wealth left to them by their father, a jailed mob boss who hid his piles of money, I am quite sure, in several illegal, off-shore bank accounts, they have had the luxury of falling into eccentricity.

Their one-hundred-year-old brick mansion is on a hill with sweeping views of the Willamette River and the city. They have livened the place up by painting the trim purple, adding a purple deck, a purple gazebo, and a myriad of striking steel sculptures and outdoor art all over their property, which has been featured in different newspapers and magazines. In one magazine, the sisters posed in old-fashioned, striped swimsuits and parasols.

On their front lawn alone, they have many organically shaped, neon-colored glass structures that are museum worthy and stunning. One is a shiny purple and blue jellyfish, another is a grouping of tall, twisting corkscrews, and in a back corner are fanciful glass flowers about six feet tall. In their pond, with a fountain in the center, they have colored glass balls with dots and an arc of rainbow-colored glass fish leaping from the water.

Each has a pet cat that comes with them to “life-coaching class” in a specially designed cat basket with the cat’s name written on the front.

Princess Anastasia is Adriana’s cat. She was wearing a princess outfit in white silk. She even had glittery bracelets on her legs.

Bee La La is Bella’s cat. She was dressed as a bee. No explanation necessary.

Candy Stripe belongs to Carlotta. She was dressed as Wonder Woman. Were you expecting a candy cane?

Princess Anastasia made a spitting sound at me.

Bee La La rolled her eyes, I swear she did.

Candy Stripe yawned, took a nap.

The Giordano sisters’ momma passed away ten years ago from a heart attack. “Poor Momma, we love you, Momma,” they chanted.

“She died of a heart attack when she found out Daddy had a mistress,” Adriana said. “Poor Momma, we love you, Momma.”

“Poor Momma, we love you, Momma,” Bella echoed, then coughed. “Well, there were two mistresses. The first one told Momma about the second mistress because she was so mad that Daddy was cheating on her, too.”

Carlotta squirmed. “And the second mistress was so mad she was the second mistress and not the first that she burned down the house that Daddy had bought the first mistress. Everybody lived, but the second mistress had to leave the country and go to Sicily.”

“Her daddy was from Sicily,” Adriana explained patiently. “It’s so pretty there. He was in The Family, too. She can’t ever come back to America, though.” Adriana shook her head, so sad, so sad.

“No, she can’t,” Bella confirmed. “Not even for shopping! She misses out on Rodeo Drive.”

“And the New York shows,” Carlotta whined.

“And Vegas!” Adriana moaned. “Such a punishment for a wee fire. She was even insured!”

They all sighed. The unfairness of arson!

“The second mistress loved to gamble. She practically lived at the casinos,” Bella explained. “Daddy said she lived at her plastic surgeon’s, but he was being grumpy that night. He had a grumpy side.”

Another group sigh. That grumpiness their mob boss father displayed! So grumpy!

“And when the first mistress’s house was burned down she told Daddy to build her another one or she’d go to the police,” Carlotta said. “It made Daddy really grumpy then.”

There was a heavy silence.

“She disappeared,” Adriana said, tapping her long nails together. “No one knew where she went to. . . .”

Good God.

“We think maybe she went to Baltimore,” Bella said, twisting a diamond hoop earring.

Baltimore? I raised an eyebrow.

“Or maybe Boise. Could have been Miami,” said Carlotta. She crossed her Jimmy Choo shoes.

I raised both eyebrows.

“I think that she had family in Sacramento. Or maybe it was Baton Rouge,” Adriana said.

They all nodded at me.

I nodded back.

“Daddy wouldn’t have killed her,” Bella said.

“Goodness, no,” her sisters agreed. “No.”

Good God, again.

“We love Daddy so much! We love you, Daddy!”

I crossed my legs. I was wearing short blue pumps today. Expensive. Dull. No flash compared to theirs, high heels built to rock the fashion world.

Daddy was currently serving a life sentence in a maximum-security prison. I believe it was for a few crimes in the realm of murder, assault, loan sharking, hookers, wire fraud, and tax evasion, but I’m not sure. Some things one does not need to know.

Another group sigh, pitched high at the end. Mob boss daddy never would have killed his mistress for threatening to go to the police. Almost sinful to think such a tawdry thought! Sinful!

“All right, ladies.” I cleared my throat, ready to jump into the facade that would follow. “I know that you all are thinking hard about different careers to pursue.”

“Yes! Full speed ahead!” Carlotta said, full of cheer, sitting straight up. “A career!”

She said career like this: “Ca Rear!”

“Goody!” Adriana said, clapping her hands.

“Working me, working me!” Bella said, wiping a hand across her imaginary sweaty brow.

I wanted to choke. These women didn’t want to work. They didn’t want careers. They wanted to shop and go to lunch. I eyed their designer clothes, the fur-trimmed coats they didn’t need on this warm day, their thousand dollar bags, and their decorated cats.

I got up and opened a wooden chest. “Ladies, you’re going to get dressed up in different uniforms and you’re going to see which uniform fits you best. I believe this will help you decide in which direction you should go, uh, career wise.”

“A costume party!” Carlotta cheered.

“Dress-up time!” Adriana called out. “Outta sight and groovy! We adore you, Madeline. Every time we come to life-coaching class we have so much enlightenment!”

“How come you never come to our parties, naughty girl!” Bella squealed, as she plowed through the chest, her jeweled necklaces falling forward.

“Yes, we invite you all the time. Last weekend we had an all-green party. Everyone wore green and we ate pink food,” Carlotta said. “One man wore a black thong and painted his whole body green! He was a green bean, get it?!”

“And the weekend before we had a motorcycle dude party. Wasn’t that funny when Charlene Fay drove her Harley into the pool!” Adriana laughed. “She barely missed the glass fish!”

“And last month: Halloween Early party!” Bella said. “We had a King Kong, a banana, Wonder Woman, a condom—that was Paul, who came with his girlfriend, Cal, who was a diaphragm. It was so birth controlly. Environmentally correct!”

I sighed.

“But let’s talk about our new Ca Rears,” Carlotta said. “A Ca Rear!”

I knew my sisters, I knew what they wanted to do, I knew what their goal was. Sometimes being a life coach means you offer people direction, encouragement, a plan, goal setting, counseling . . . and sometimes you offer them what they need: a laugh.

Ten minutes later we began our “Career Parade.”

Adriana swaggered about in a nurse’s outfit. She had added her own person