That Time I Got Drunk And Yeeted A Love Potion At A Werewolf

Book 2: Mead Mishaps

by Kimberly Lemming

Genres: Fantasy Romance; Romantic Comedy

Synopsis

Cheesemaker Brie has the worst luck in love, which is how she ends up falling for a lactose intolerant werewolf, in this raunchy, laugh-out-loud rom-com fantasy that's perfect for fans of Legends & Lattes and The Dragon's Bride. 

Anyone else ever thrown a drink at someone's head, only to miss entirely and hit a stranger behind them? Then have that stranger fall madly in love with you because it turned out that drink you threw was a love potion? No, just me? Well damn.

Dealing with a pirate ship full of demons that just moved into town was hard enough. Now on top of it, I have to convince a werewolf that I'm not his fated mate, he's just drugged. Easier said than done.

Though I have to say, having a gorgeous man show up and do all of your chores while telling you you're beautiful isn't the worst thing to happen to a girl.

Release date: May 23, 2023

Publisher: Orbit

Print pages: 336

Sample

Chapter 1

Brie

Potatoes are by far the most versatile crop. You can fry them up, bake them, or throw them at undesirable men who refuse to leave you alone. At least, that’s what I enjoyed doing with them. I snatched another baked potato from my friend Cinnamon, who balked in protest. Before the spice trader could reclaim her favorite treat, I side-­stepped out of her reach and prepared to fire another round at my latest annoyance. Jack stumbled back and held his hands up. The splatter of hot cheese and potato on his cheek fell away. In its place was a red mark that swelled with the consequences of him not following my simple instructions. “Leave me alone, Jack. I told you I’m not interested.”

The farmer held up his hands, feet widening in a stance as if he was preparing to swat away the offending tuber. “Brie, come on, how much longer are you going to play hard to get?” His crooked mouth turned up into a grin. A forced laugh choked out of his skinny neck before he took a tentative step forward.

Gods, I was so sick of his shit. I looked around, pretending to be confused for a moment. “Jack, have you lost your mind? Did you come here so I could help you find it? I can’t think of any other reason me pelting you with tubers would be mistaken for flirting.”

Cin stomped her foot. “Not my potato! Throw something else at him!”

My shoulders slumped before I took my gaze off the farmer to reassure my friend and her lewd lust for food. “I’ll buy you another one and give you a wheel of cheese. Just let me deal with this asshole.”

The annoyance in her features vanished in an instant. Replaced with starry eyes and a wide grin. “Nevermind, it’s yours!” she chirped and spun around, set her fists on her hips and glared at the man as if he were a small child in need of a reprimand. “You heard the lady, Jack. She doesn’t want you, so get gone.” Cinnamon’s glare in itself wasn’t the most terrifying thing in the world. She herself was rather short. Several inches of her height could be attributed to the proud crown of curls on her head. But what was terrifying was the dragon shifter behind her.

Cin’s husband, Fallon, sat on a bar stool, nursing a mug of mead. The obsidian horns decorating his head nearly scraped against one of the many colorful fall banners decorating the stall. He took another sip, before turning to see whatever poor sap angered his wife. Jack’s back straightened when the demon locked eyes with him. The farmer’s raised hands twitched. He opened his mouth, then thought better of it and swallowed. I couldn’t blame him. Fallon was terrifying.

It had only been a short time since Cinnamon and our goddess-chosen hero, Priscilla, returned from their respective journeys. Normally, a returning hero was met with cheer and a village-­wide fall celebration to commemorate another successful demon purge. But Cin returning with a merry band of pirate demons (very much NOT purged) and news of our goddess’ death put a bit of a damper on things. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the festival altogether.

The residents of Boohail could be in the middle of a raging tsunami and still find an excuse to party. In the distance, I could hear Carter and Katie blaring their latest song for all to hear. The only thing that the couple loved more than their bakery was playing music. A gift they shared any chance they could. Not to be outdone, most of the shop owners in the village had set up stalls lining Boohail’s center. Bright banners and shimmering lanterns lit up our small corner of the world like a sea of stars. Delicious smells of festival food and incense greeted you everywhere you turned. Even with everything that’s changed in the short amount of time, a party just made everything feel like home.

Priscilla did her best to help Cin explain to the rest of Boohail that her new friends meant no harm and it was, in fact, our own goddess, causing all demons to become crazed animals. But some villagers took it better than others. Humans had been worshiping the goddess Myva for hundreds of years. To find out it had all been a lie crafted by some undead witch was hard to swallow.

A small faction of men, in particular, attempted to form a mob and kill as many of the newcomers as possible. That idea was firmly put to bed when Fallon turned into a giant dragon. The fiery smoke around his mouth was enough to get even the most zealous men to drop their weapons. If I remembered correctly, Jack was one of them. Gods, the money I would have paid to see that smug asshole piss himself at the sight.

Jack smiled, combing a hand through his dark curls. “OK, no need to bite my head off. I’ll go fix you a drink, Brie. Maybe it will loosen you up. You seem tense.”

This fucking guy.

My response spat out through gritted teeth. “I’m not tense. I’m annoyed that you keep bothering me. This—” my finger waved in between us “—will not happen.”

“Sure, sure,” he replied before turning and walking away.

My shoulders slumped. It was like talking to a sleeping hog. I made my way over to a food stall and placed an order for two more baked potatoes. Once the vendor quickly wrapped up the steaming treats, I rejoined Cin and Fallon at the row of bar stools next to the mead stall. My body slumped over the counter and I let out a sigh. Cin reached over to snatch her food before taking a large bite.

Without a word, Sunbeam placed a mug in front of me and went back to washing out more cups. The barmaid was one of the few humans seemingly unfazed by Boohail’s newest residents. Though it didn’t seem like anything fazed her. Ever. Her bright name was a hilarious contrast to her stern and serious demeanor. I suppose you’d have to be on the sterner side to run a tavern on your own. The large-and-in-charge woman was famous for her no-­nonsense attitude toward sloppy drunks. Anyone who posed a threat to destroying any bit of her precious tavern was thrown out without remorse. My hand snaked around the handle of my drink before downing half. The sweet taste of honey and peach washed over me, taking away most of my irritation.

“My friend has a hyena we could feed him to,” Cin said, patting my back. She laughed at my concerned look and took another bite of her potato. “I’m just saying we have options!”

“You’re a lot more bloodthirsty than I remember.”

She held up a finger to give herself time to chew. “Killing a goddess will do that to ya.”

“I… can’t argue with that.” The rest of my drink found its way down my throat and Sunbeam reached over to refill the mug. Her lips formed a thin line as she glanced at my side. A large red hand slammed on the counter, making me jump.

“Sunbeam, my precious day bringer! Have you missed me?” An orc the size of a bear sat on the stool next to me. The newcomer hunched his large body over the counter and rested his chin on his hands.

His eyes blatantly roved over Sunbeam before he broke out into a goofy grin. The woman in question only gave him an impassive stare. Her tone was the definition of ice. “What will it be, Balabash?”

The red orc grinned wider. Thick tusks poked out the sides of his lower jaw, giving the large man an even more menacing appearance. “How about a kiss from my honey butter biscuit?”

Fallon spat out his drink and choked on a laugh. His wife snickered and patted his back. Of all the lame pickup lines I’ve ever heard, that may have taken the cake.

To my surprise, Sunbeam’s stoic face gave way to a mortified sputter. Quickly, she turned her back to him and snatched a bottle from the lower shelf of her stand. “Just for that, you get the weak brew!”

The bottle slammed down in front of Balabash, whose face remained as gleeful as ever. He took the bottle with a wink, which Sunbeam returned by marching away from him and busying herself by ferociously scrubbing the glass she just cleaned.

Balabash took a swig from the bottle and leaned down to whisper in my ear. “She wants me.” I covered my mouth to stifle a laugh. That may have been the first time I’d seen any emotion on the woman’s face.

“Bash, she’ll kill you at this rate,” Cinnamon warned.

He waved her off and took another swig. “Nonsense! My Sunbeam is just a little shy, is all.” He caught sight of his ‘precious day bringer’ glaring at him from across the bar. She ducked her head back down to the innocent glass she was mauling and scrubbed harder. “Don’t worry, my love, I am a patient man!”

“Oh, just take your bottle and go!” she snapped. My eyes widened at the high pitch in her voice.

Oh, this is just delicious. The stoic barmaid and flirtatious orc. I’d read that romance novel any day. With any luck, I’d be able to find more monster romance books in the coming years. Now that more humans could interact with them, it was only a matter of time that my favorite authors graced me with saucy tales of their new source material.

“Whatever you say, man,” Cin said, “Anyway, this is my bestie, Brie. Brie, this is Balabash. He worked in the kitchens with me on the ship.”

Balabash turned in his seat to tower over—I mean, face me. My polite nod was met with another wide grin before a bear paw of a hand crashed down on my shoulder, nearly knocking me off my chair. “Good to meet you, Miss Brie! Any friend of Cin’s is a friend of mine!”

Before I could answer, my self-­appointed friend spun me around on my stool to face Cin. The orc’s free hand crashed down on my other shoulder as my life flashed before my eyes. I never expected to meet my end by an overly enthusiastic orc greeting, but life was an unpredictable bitch.

“What do you mean by best friend, though?” Balabash asked, giving my shoulders a little shake. “I thought Felix was your best friend. You’re not two-­timing my little brother, are you?”

Cinnamon rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so dramatic. Brie is my best friend and Felix is my best demon friend. Don’t worry, you’re on the list too,” she said, waving him off. “Friendship is a level, not a straight line.”

Balabash pulled me back and leaned in to whisper in my ear. The food and booze in my gut rolled in protest with each new movement. “Can you believe this? She’s cheating on us with each other.”

“I’m gonna puke if you don’t stop whipping me around, friend.”

“Yes, I think it’s about time you got your hands off her.” Jack’s voice and the jostled contents of my stomach were way too annoying to deal with at the same time.

Ignoring Jack, Balabash released my shoulders. “Sorry Brie, I forget humans are less sturdy than my kind.” His large hands gave a small pat to smooth out my ruffled blouse before he turned back to the bar. “Sunbeam, could you bring me another of whatever my new friend is having?”

I could feel the scowl on Jack’s face without even having to turn around. “That won’t be necessary,” he snapped. “I’ve bought Brie another drink.”

That hyena plan sounds better and better every time he opens his mouth. I wouldn’t call Jack particularly ugly. He may have even passed for handsome if he wasn’t so blindly annoying and easy to see through. The whole town knew of Jack’s ambitious nature and his inability to budget. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if creditors were knocking at his door once again.

Last I heard, his latest get-­rich-­quick scheme involved buying expensive fancy chickens that lay black eggs and trying to sell them on the market for twice the price of a normal egg. The only problem was that no one in Boohail cared about what color a fucking egg was. I could see the idea working if we lived near some posh city with easily amused rich people. But the closest thing we had to rich folk was Cin’s family, the Hotpeppers. I practically grew up in Cin’s home and she and her family never once turned to me and said, “You know it would make this omelet better? If it was just straight black.”

He probably looked at me and saw a cash cow more than a wife. If my land wasn’t directly next to his, I doubt he’d ever give me the time of day. My neighbor was a pushy nuisance with his eye on expansion, and I’d have to be an idiot not to see it. We’ve lived our whole lives in Boohail and yet he never deemed me worthy to speak to until I bought my small plot of land off Cinnamon’s family. Then suddenly I was the apple of his eye. And I was getting very sick of it.

My face hardened, and I turned to look him dead in the eye. “Jack, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times. I am not interested. I do not want your drink. Leave me alone.”

The smile never left his face as he pushed a fizzing pink drink into my hands. “Don’t be like that, sweetheart! Just try it. It’s a special cocktail I made just for you!”

Fighting back my anger, I grit my teeth and pushed the drink back into his hands. “I don’t want it.”

A small crack appeared in the man’s smile. “Just try it,” he said, pushing it back.

“No.”

“For me?”

“Extra no.”

His smile finally dropped to a sneer. “Don’t be so stubborn!” He pushed the drink back into my hands.

Unable to see through the haze of my anger, I snatched the cup back and finally snapped. “For the last damn time, I DON’T WANT YOUR DRINK.” With the force of every woman tired of broke men’s audacity, I yeeted the drink straight at Jack’s head. Unfortunately for me, that broke man could dodge.

I watched in horror as Jack ducked down, letting the fizzing pink drink fly straight over his head to crash into a mess of blond hair. My unsuspecting victim flinched, rubbing the back of his head before whipping around with a glare.

Time seemed to slow at that moment. My breath caught; icy blue eyes rooted me to my chair. The man straightened, revealing a tall, muscled frame. His wavy blond hair framed high cheekbones and a face that could lead a woman to sin. I watched on, entranced, as his eyes widened. The blue sea receded against the black abyss of his pupils. His mouth dropped open as if he was seeing something unimaginable, like a boa constrictor getting up and walking away.

“Look, I’m sorry about that,” I mumbled. “I didn’t mean to hit you. Does your head hurt?” My hand skimmed the bar, trying to find a cloth to help wipe him off. But when I turned back around, the stranger was on me. A firm arm slid around my back, his free hand cupped my chin, tilting my face to his before capturing my lips in a kiss. His eager mouth muffled my small squeak. My knees grew weak when the stranger nipped my lower lip, taking the chance to deepen the kiss further when my lips parted in shock. I tried to signal my hands to push him off. But the treacherous heathens only rested on a broad chest.

A rush of cold hit me and I opened my eyes to see the bold stranger had been yanked back by Jack. He fisted the blond man’s collar before yelling obscenities in his ear. But the stranger barely took notice of him. He shook his head, as if trying to clear his thoughts, before shoving Jack to the side. In a flash, his hands were on me again. This time cupping my face to look me over, disbelief and wonder shining through his smiling face.

“Felix?” Cin’s voice was careful and measured. “You OK, bud? You’re coming on a little strong to my friend there.”

Her voice shook him out of whatever trance he was in. He chuckled before smiling, his face lighting up like Sunbeam’s namesake. “I’m better than OK,” he said, tracing the outline of my jaw with the back of his knuckles. “I just imprinted on my mate.”

I reeled, hitting my lower back against the bar. “What!?” Cin and I screamed in unison.

To my side, Balabash cheered, and Fallon pounded a fist on the bar. “Sunbeam, we’re going to need shots over here. Keep them coming, please!” The dragon shifter and the orc rose from their seats to clap Felix on the back and congratulated us on a happy life.

Felix reached for me again, but I put a hand on his face and shoved him away. Or tried to. A slight struggle ensued in which I continued pushing on his face and he insistently tried to coll. . .