THE AMERICAN INTERSTATE highway system. Wonder of the twentieth-century world. Smooth, wide, fast, inexhaustible; blank, amnesiac, full of libertarian possibility; burned onto the continent like the nuclear shadow of the frontier spirit, even if you happen to be traveling east instead of west, not much difference anymore. Route 66, Jack Kerouac, all that shit. But at some point I snapped out of it and remembered the truly salient, nonmythological fact about the interstate of today, which is that law-enforcement cameras are everywhere. You can’t travel ten miles in any direction without your movements being logged, your license plate photographed, your face. Certainly once you’re on the highway, there is no way to get off it again without all those things happening, without your whereabouts becoming data, instantly. Right. No more highways, then. I pulled my hat down over my eyes and got off at the next exit, drove around until I found a nonchain gas station, bought a 3 Musketeers and an old, folding paper map of the state. They still sell them. I remembered my E-ZPass, another data bomb, and threw that into a construction dumpster I passed a while later.
First days of summer. Sometimes, on the right or left, through the tight canopy of green, an unexpected glimpse of water. All the windows rolled down, even though the AC works fine. A sign welcoming me to this or that town: a couple of traffic lights, a kind of drawing together of buildings, then gone.
And then I’ll be on some long stretch with nothing but scrub on either side and suddenly there’ll be a house, out of nowhere, miles from any intersection, set back only maybe twenty feet from the road. Who lives there? Why? What’s their job? Sometimes when I’m tired, I’ll see one of these places that’s so geographically estranged I think maybe I’ll just pull into the driveway, knock on the door, and offer to buy it, for cash, on the spot. Be somebody’s dream come true. But no, that’s not the answer. I have a plan, and I’m sticking to it. I don’t slow down.
Candy and coffee, candy and coffee. Under the passenger seat is an envelope full of money. Ill-gotten? I mean, I guess. One of those heavy, waxy, interoffice envelopes, the kind with the string you wind around two buttons to close it, so it can be reused. Ten by thirteen. It fits easily in any kind of suitcase, but it’s a little bulky to carry around on its own. I try not to get too attached to it, but it’s also hard to get too far away from it without experiencing some symptoms of panic. That’s not the only reason I slept in the car the first two nights instead of at a motel, but it’s one of them.
The chain gas stations—chains of any kind—are operated by and for remote multinationals, and the paradox is that the billion-dollar operations are always the ones with their eye on every penny: thus the security cameras. Citgo, Valero, QuikTrip, Sunoco, Getty, Hess, Circle K: bank on it, there are cameras there. Ones you see and ones you don’t. And it’s all a network, so your face on one of them is exactly the same as your face on all of them. Chain motels, similar principle. And there aren’t a whole lot of independently owned roadside motels out there anymore, outside of horror movies anyway.
I’m old enough to remember when the paper maps were the only maps. You can’t really look at them and drive at the same time; you have to pull over, memorize your next few steps, and then get back on the road again until you’re no longer sure where you are. Mileages are an approximation, done, sometimes, with the tips of the thumb and index finger. It is nice not to have your phone startling you with instructions all the time. I backed over my phone in the driveway three days ago, and I miss it less and less. Sometimes I listen to the radio. Talk is best. Another way to measure distance or progress: I find an angry voice and I listen to it until I’ve driven far enough that I can’t make out what it’s saying anymore.
This diner where they had something on the menu called the Defibrillator: can you imagine? I wanted to order it but lacked the nerve. At the counter I stared at the hard back of the cook, who looked like someone trying to stay sober, trying to stave off trouble. Tattoos crept above the neckline of his T-shirt. Waitresses yelled at him loud enough to make me flinch, and he never gave an indication of hearing a word. He went at the filthy grill like an action painter. All these newly enviable lives.
Empty barns with their roofs collapsed, walls leaning, foliage growing out the windows. The first one looks artsy, but by the time you see your tenth one it just comes off as spite.
I estimated five days but it’s going to be more like seven or eight, because I find I can’t stay on the road as long as I thought I could. My eyes start to hurt. By now people are looking for me, though probably not in the old-fashioned, Butch Cassidy sense where I turn around and see stubborn figures on the horizon. They’re hunting me with their ass glued to the chair. They’ll find you that way, too, if you’re not careful. So I’m careful.
The summer insects so loud, when you get out of the car to take a piss, it’s hard to believe the engine could have drowned them out.
The money is mine now, though that won’t stop other people from maintaining that at least some of it is theirs. If anything, their lives will be improved once the hole in it, where the money and I used to be, heals over. Still, people who were close to you—or who believed they were close to you—they’re going to want to know why.
The difficult part, at night, is finding a place that’s unpatrolled, a place where no one will call a cop because they saw a car parked where it shouldn’t be. Anyplace you can pull off the road and not be seen is good. My back hurts, my knees hurt. I could use a shower. Once in a while I pass a place so Bates Motel–looking that I think surely I can risk it. Surely there’s no surveillance in there. Surely if you just show the cash they won’t ask you for any ID. I have no ID at this point, neither fake nor real. I cut up my driver’s license right before I hit the road. Which means I have to stay at or below the speed limit at all times, signal every turn, come to a complete stop. I’m the most law-abiding driver in America.
The next town is like some weird hipster paradise, but at least there’s a drugstore there that’s not a chain. An artisanal pharmacy, the sign says. I buy some aspirin. The knee pain is getting harder to bear; it’s more from the cramped sleeping than the driving. At least I think so. Worse this morning than last night. The guy behind the counter, who has a stiff beard and an apron like a fucking blacksmith, asks if I’m in town for the festival. You bet, I say.
Back in the car I get out the map and plot the day with my fingertips. You can’t drive highway speeds on two-lane roads, obviously, not if your goal is to avoid any risk of getting pulled over, so it’s taking me a while. I figure I can still go three hundred miles before dark, if the pain permits. But the pain doesn’t permit.
I resort to some magical thinking. I tell myself that I won’t go looking for an independently owned motel, but if I happen to pass one, that’ll be like a sign, and I’ll let myself check in there. A mattress. A shower. If they ask for a credit card or insist on ID, I’ll make like I left my wallet in the car, then go back out to the lot and just gun it. A mattress. A shower. These ideas start to exert the kind of force that sleep exerts when you haven’t had enough of it for a while.
The lady asked for payment in advance, and I asked if cash was okay. She said they took a credit card just as a deposit for incidentals. I said, What incidentals do you offer? I wasn’t being sarcastic, but she took it that way. She said it was really a guarantee against damage to the room. I said I didn’t have a credit card at the moment, but I was happy to leave with her as large a cash deposit as she thought was fair as long as she wrote me a receipt for it. She said, kind of pointedly, like calling my bluff, Five hundred dollars. I said, Sure, okay. Let me just go out to the car for a second. By now she probably had me pegged as a fugitive. But the real point of this story is that after we both went through with it, after I’d gone outside and come back with the money and she started writing out a receipt on a piece of blank paper she pulled out of the printer, she asked me for my name, and just like that, I had to decide what my name was going to be. I mean, I wasn’t committing to anything. It was just for that night. But still. I wish I’d thought about it more.
There was a time when I might have lost my temper in an interaction like that. And when I say “there was a time,” I mean like a week ago. Interesting what happens once you start to feel vulnerable. I seem fainter, even to myself.
The grim palette of those cheaply paneled rooms. Suicide Ochre. And the sheets and towels have a special texture: worn but not soft. I started to get paranoid about the lady at the desk (the owner of the place, surely, she seemed way too nervously invested to be some employee) and even peeked between the curtains a couple of times to see if she was anywhere near the car. When it was fully dark I went back out to the lot, unlocked it, and pulled the envelope out from under the passenger seat. I took it back in, went to the bathroom (because no windows), spread one of those ancient, translucent towels in the tub, and dumped out the money—just to count it again. No reason.
$168,048.
That’s a lot, though it doesn’t really matter how much it is once you’ve accepted that there will never be any more of it, only less. Even if you only buy two Diet Cokes and a 3 Musketeers one day, at the end of that day, that much less is left. Like one’s days on earth, in that respect: pure subtraction. I put the cash back in the envelope. No bill larger than a hundred. I went to sleep with it beside me under the dermabrasive sheet and woke up well before dawn, only to realize I would have to kill time until six or so anyway, when the motel office opened and I could get my deposit back. Right, the deposit! $168,548, then. Sweet.
While the sun rose, I watched some TV news in the room. No change.
I pulled back the curtain again, half expecting to see the lot filled with police cruisers, guys with hats and sunglasses bracing their gun arms on their open driver’s-side doors. But no, just three other cars. I tried to remember if that was the same number of cars parked in the lot when I arrived, but I hadn’t thought to notice. I’ll have to become a more observant person going forward, more disciplined.
When the office opened, it wasn’t the woman behind the desk but a man, ...
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