Never Again, No More

by UNTAMED

Genres: Urban Fantasy; Christian Suspense

Synopsis

Follow four friends who learn that to win in life, sometimes you have to lose. Journey with these ladies as they try not to fall victim, Never Again, No More. Born and raised in Atlanta, Lucinda, LaMeka, Charice, and Trinity are best friends who all have suffered the perils of teen pregnancy. With their dreams and ambitions on hold, they struggle to find themselves and survive this game called life. Despite their efforts, the decisions they make create more trouble, and the consequences prove to be costlier than they ever could have imagined.

Release date: December 26, 2019

Publisher: Urban Books

Print pages: 288

Sample

Will this shit ever end? I thought while listening to Pooch rant and rave again. It seemed that was all he did lately. I swear, this muthasucka really had begun to piss me the hell off. I loved that nigga, though, and he took care of us. I mean, how many men do you know who would let you live up in their house for free, with two kids that ain’t his? Exactly! Slim to damn none. But if this nigga didn’t shut the hell up soon, I was gonna slap the piss out of him!

“Trin! Do you hear me? Tri-ni-ty!” Pooch screamed, interrupting my thoughts.

This dude is killing me. “Yes, Pooch . . . baby, I hear you,” I said with a sigh as I brought him a roll of toilet paper. “The whole damn neighborhood can hear you, with all that damn fussing and screaming you’re doing.”

He swung the bathroom door open and snatched the roll of tissue out of my hand. “Well, if you actually listened and hurried your ass up when I fucking called you, then I wouldn’t be fussing and screaming. Damn!” he yelled, continuing to take a dump, as if I wasn’t standing there. “Hook up with you, bring a bitch in, along with her two snot-faced brats, treat her to the finer fucking things in life, and you treating me like shit? You don’t treat that nigga Terrence like shit. Oh no, not that muthafucka. He gets the royal fucking treatment. I’m your man. I tell you what. Why don’t you let that muthafucka take care of you, those kids, and the one me and you had? That would sure as hell free up my damn pockets!”

I wanted to argue, but the stench coming from the bathroom was making my stomach turn. This nigga’s scent was so loud, you could smell his shit two doors down, it seemed. “Whatever, Pooch,” I mumbled as I turned to walk away.

He reached out and grabbed my arm. “Where the fuck you going? I’m talking to you!”

I held my nose to avoid smelling the odor. “Pooch, it fucking stinks in here!”

“Shit supposed to stink. You think your shit smells like roses? Oh, I bet you didn’t say that when that nigga Terrence took a damn dump!” he yelled.

I rolled my eyes, thinking, Here we go. Terrence this and Terrence that. “Pooch, please! I need to check on the baby.”

“Wait until I get my ass off this toilet. Just wait.” With that, he let my arm go and slammed the bathroom door.

“Pooch, I love you,” I said faintly before I walked away. I checked in on Princess, and then I headed to our bedroom.

It was true. I really did love Pooch more than anything, and I knew that he loved me. Two and a half years ago, it hadn’t been like this between us. The source of our heartache was my first children’s daddy, Terrence. Back in the day, I knew Terrence from around our neighborhood in ATL. He used to play football at Frederick Douglass High School, and from what I’d heard, he was working and attending Atlanta Tech. That was just how it was in the hood. Everybody knew everybody, and everybody knew your business. I officially met Terrence at the teen club six years ago. At the time, I was fifteen and he was nineteen, and that dude captured me at first sight. He was so good looking that every woman wanted Terrence. How could they not? He was a tall glass of sexy butterscotch, with muscles for days. I didn’t know if it was his light brown eyes, his shoulder-length dreadlocks, or that damn goatee, but everything about him was rugged and sexy.

I still remembered when his six-foot, three-inch frame walked up on me while I was dancing to that new joint by 50 Cent, “In Da Club.” While my best friend, Lucinda, and my cousin Charice and I danced, I was damn near ready to rep New York instead of Georgia as my home state. Now I was a GA peach through and through, and I’d never turn my back on Hotlanta, but damn, when that song came on back then, like everyone else from the Dirty South to the Bay, I was pumping that shit.

Clad in my tight, dark denim jeans, yellow tunic top, and wedges, I looked hella good, and you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t one of the flyest chicks in there that night. My long hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and I flipped it as we danced off of the song. My eyes nearly popped out when I saw Terrence checking me out. Not to mention I had some pretty, big brown eyes, so I was sure I looked like damn Bambi in the headlights. As he bit on his lip in a sexy way, it made my body temperature rise instantly. Before I could alert my crew that he was looking at me, he started to walk toward us. All I could remember thinking was, Thank God I didn’t eat that Philly cheesesteak sub with extra onions before I came here.

“’Sup yo?” he asked, touching me on my shoulder.

I turned slowly, in a nonchalant way, and threw out, “’Sup?” Then I quickly turned back to my girls and continued to dance.

He laughed. “So you just gon’ ignore me like that, huh?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, turning back to face him.

He sucked in air. “Yo, you saw me looking at you.”

“Yeah, I did,” I said slyly.

He smiled softly, shaking his head. “Check it, li’l mama. This act is real cute, but stop flexin’ and holla at yo’ boy. On the real, I have to ask you something.”

Charice nudged me and giggled. “Go get your talk on, girl.”

“Yeah, li’l mami,” Lucinda added with a laugh.

“It’s mama, you non-English-talkin’ heffa.” I laughed, rolling my eyes.

Lucinda shot a bird at me. “I bet you got that in the universal language.”

After fanning her off, I walked away with Terrence so we could talk. “What do you want?” I asked him once we were off the dance floor.

“A’ight, li’l mama—” he began, but I put my finger up, interrupting him.

“My name is Trinity,” I announced.

He followed suit by putting his hands up. “My bad, li’l . . . I mean Trinity. You just so damn little, so I always called you li’l mama.”

“Terrence, we ain’t ever had no one-on-one conversations, so how you got nicknames for me?” I asked, confused.

“We all know each other from around the block. Come on now, you know that. I give everybody nicknames. It’s how I remember people. For instance, to me, you’re li’l mama, ’cause you so tiny. And your girl Lucinda is senorita, ’cause she Spanish, and your cousin Charice, she is superstar, ’cause she mess with that pretty muthafucka Ryan, who thinks he’s a damn super-duper star.”

Even though I hated when people called me tiny or, worse, skinny, I had to laugh. The names were cute, especially the one he had come up with for Charice. That nigga did think he was God’s greatest gift to women. That muthasucka was finer than a muthasucka, though, but I would never admit that shit to him. His ego was so high in the sky that he needed a flashlight to see it.

“Okay then. Well, I guess I can call you Dreads, huh?” I laughed.

He shrugged. “It fits. Don’t bother me none.”

“Okay, Dreads. What you looking at me for? Can’t get a girl your age?”

“You got jokes.” He laughed. “You know I can pull ’em, just like I can pull you,” he joked, giving me a wink.

He wasn’t fucking lying. He sure could pull me. “I ain’t no dumb chick, Dreads. I may be young, but you gotta work to pull this.” I gestured to my body.

“Well, let’s slow down and start by me pulling your art skills first.”

“Huh?” I asked, confused.

“The reason I came over was that I saw that tattoo design you drew for my homeboy, Chico, and that shit was fresh. I didn’t know you were artistic like that. I want you to design one for me,” he explained.

Talk about crushed. I was glad that word about my art skills was getting around the block, especially since I needed the money, but damn! I had thought he was checking for me, not my abilities.

“Oh, and to think I thought you were checking out my ass on the dance floor,” I joked, hoping he wouldn’t catch on the fact that I actually wanted him to want me.

“You think you can hook me up with a tattoo design?” he asked, continuing on without any acknowledgment of what I’d just said.

Although I was crushed that he didn’t want to holla at me, I agreed to do the work. “Yeah. Just stop by tomorrow, around noon, and I’ll hook it up for you,” I said, hiding my disappointment.

“How much you gon’ charge me?”

“Fifty bucks.”

“Damn! I still gotta get the tat, li’l mama.”

“Yeah, but can’t no tattoo place design shit like me. You want the tightest shit? I got it. They don’t. You want to pay cheap prices, then go to the tattoo shop and let them show you one of them premade designs.” I would’ve charged him twenty if he was trying to holla.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Ain’t no thang. I’ll be at your crib at noon tomorrow.”

“A’ight,” I said, then turned to walk back to my crew.

“Li’l mama!” he called out after I had taken half a dozen steps.

I stopped in my tracks and turned back. “Yeah?”

“Yo’ ass did look cute grinding out there on the dance floor. Keep doing that shit. That’s your money shot.” He winked at me.

I giggled and then walked back to my crew, happy to know that Terrence Marsh, aka Dreads, was checking for me. You know I ended up charging that nigga only twenty dollars.

Terrence and I started dating not long after that, and seeing each other came as a breeze. My mom worked all the time. Since I was the oldest and was left to look after my ten-year-old sister and six-year-old brother, we had plenty of free time to do a bunch of shit we weren’t supposed to be doing. Therefore, not only did he become my first love, but he also became my first lover.

Having an older boyfriend who could take me to school and pick me up was so damn cool to me. I was the envy of all the neighborhood heifers who tried to be with Terrence. I had to give it to him, though. He was a one-woman man, and that made me love him even more. I loved him so much that after only two months of dating, I got knocked up. I gave birth to our oldest son, Terry, when I was a sophomore in high school.

Since Terrence never knew his dad, he vowed to be better at fathering, and he was a great dad, and he loved the hell out of me. My mom was pissed with me after I got pregnant, but the fact that Terrence was a good man and a good father pacified her. He could barely take care of himself, but he made sure that Terry and I didn’t hurt for anything. We stayed together and were happy as could be. After I got pregnant with Brittany my senior year, my mom had had enough, and she kicked me, Terry, and my unborn baby the hell out. She told me she loved me, but she had two other children to raise, and she couldn’t afford to keep us around, since we created more bills for her to pay. Even though I was so pissed, I knew she was right. I had set a horrible example for my little sister, and my mom had struggled with the three of us, so she was hardly in a position to care for five.

After my mom kicked Terry and me out, Terrence did what he had to do and got us a two-bedroom apartment. That move probably helped me finish high school, because I knew that I didn’t have my mom to fall back on. There was only Terrence and me to provide for us. But I admit it was rough as shit. Terrence and I began to argue more, because instead of working more hours at the auto shop, like he had promised, Terrence was slinging more dope. I told him to cool it since I was pregnant and wanted to go to art school, and I needed him to be around for the kids and me. He told me to let him be the damn man, and to worry instead about delivering a healthy baby girl and taking care of Terry. I gave up complaining and did what I was told. Surprisingly, everything continued to be smooth on his end, and I delivered a healthy baby girl and enrolled in college.

One month after Brittany’s birth, the inevitable happened. Terrence was locked up on drug charges, and my world was flipped upside down. Those damn narc agents not only locked his ass up but also seized all our shit. They froze our accounts, took both of our cars, and evicted me and my kids. The only money I had was what Terrence kept in a safe, and that was only twelve grand. After giving a grand to his attorney as a retainer, I still had to pay an additional fifteen hundred dollars for his attorney to try the case, which he lost. That literally tore me up on the inside.

To further break my damn heart, at his sentencing hearing, Terrence told me some crap about living my life and not waiting for him, then broke up with me. He did, however, make me promise to let him see and care for his kids when he returned home from prison. I would never keep Terrence’s kids from him, because I knew he loved them, but damn, didn’t he love me too? I guessed that nigga didn’t, so I said, “Fuck him too.” I wouldn’t beg any nigga to stay with me, not even Terrence.

My mom let us stay with her from the day of the raid until the trial was over. After that, the ultimate reality set in: I was back on my own, but now I was alone and had to fend for myself and two kids. I took the ninety-five hundred dollars that was left and got another two-bedroom apartment. After paying the first and last month’s rent, I paid cash for an older-model Honda Civic. With only two grand left and no job, I dropped out of school, got on the welfare system, and started working part-time at a men’s clothing store. That was where Pooch entered the picture.

Pooch was one of the most well-connected and well-known drug dealers in the city. All his relatives were known hustlers, so he was in the family business, so to speak. Although I knew Pooch from school, he had dropped out. Honestly, the only thing he had tried to learn was how to stay on top of his hustle. Pooch had had a crush on me since elementary school, but I had never given him the time of day, because I knew he and his people were nothing but trouble. Don’t get me wrong. Pooch was cool as hell and cute, but everybody thought twice when dealing with him, because once you were affiliated with that circle, you were in the circle.

I soon noticed that Pooch was coming into the clothing store at least twice a week and always wanted me to help him. I figured he was pushing up to holla at me, and after six months, he made his move.

“What’s good, Trinity?” Pooch asked as he walked over to me.

“Ain’t nothing, Pooch.”

“Yo, any word on that nigga Terrence getting out yet?”

“Nah, unless you gon’ help him.”

“Nah. He ain’t none of my peoples.” He sighed. “I was just checking.”

“Why?” I asked as I began folding jeans.

“’Cause I want to get with his woman.”

I nearly knocked over the stack of jeans I had folded. Pooch had always been blunt like that. He stood only an inch taller than me, so I tilted my head just a little and looked into his beautiful brown eyes to see if he was for real, and he was. With his brown skin and muscular build, he was cute, but he was no Terrence.

“Quit playing, Pooch,” I said, brushing him off. I tried to ignore him and refolded a pair of jeans.

“Word. Trinity, you know I want you. I’ve been pushing up on you ever since we played in the sandbox. On the real, I already know Terrence broke up with you before he went in. Damn shame that nigga didn’t know how to hustle well enough to keep you and your kids set. Hustlin’ just ain’t for everybody.”

“So what are you saying, Pooch?” I asked, getting annoyed with the conversation.

“I’m asking to be your man and to take care of you,” he confessed, grabbing my hand. “You too pretty to be busting your ass here and living off the system. Let me be your man and take care of you.”

“I don’t know, Pooch.” I sighed. “I’ve just gotten myself together. I can’t deal with no more of that hustling, and you got one foot in the court and the other in the jail yourself.”

He laughed. “Trin, I’d never be caught up.”

Raising my brow at him, I asked, “How do you know?”

Pooch leaned over and whispered in my ear, “I know because your man’s arresting officer is on my payroll, and his judge is an undercover junkie. And that’s just the shit I’m willing to tell you. Trust me, I’d never be caught.”

I gasped and put my head down. I was not prepared to hear that Pooch was a certified kingpin. “Let me think about it, Pooch. We are a package deal, me and my two kids. You do remember that, don’t you?”

Pooch shrugged. “Yeah, I remember, and I’m trying to make it better for all of you.”

“A’ight, but I still need to think this thing through.”

Pooch shrugged again. “A’ight, but Ms. Hobbs already gave you a late notice on your rent, and that old bitch doesn’t play.”

“How do you know I am—”

“Don’t nothing go on that I can’t find out about if I really wanted to, Trinity. Please believe that. It’s not like I’m trying to blackmail you or some shit. I’m offering you the chance to be Mrs. Kingpin. Many have wanted this title, but the chosen one is you. So you let me know,” he explained. Then he turned and walked away, leaving me speechless.

I didn’t have feelings for Pooch, and although I thought he was cute, I wasn’t attracted to him. As I said, he wasn’t Terrence. Being late on my rent and being responsible for two kids, with Terrence locked up, I did what I had to do. I agreed and told Pooch that I’d be his lady.

By the time Brittany turned one year old, we were living high on the hog with Pooch. We resided in a six-bedroom, six-and-a-half-bath home and rode around in matching Mercedes-Benzes. And I had fallen in love with him. The downside was that Pooch didn’t want me to work. He wanted me to sit around, look cute, and take care of the kids. Better yet, keep them out of his way. Pooch loved my kids, but he didn’t like them at all. Not that he had anything against them personally, but Pooch didn’t like dealing with kids in general. He took care of them and bought them things, but he didn’t spend time with them and was adamant that he wasn’t going to do so. He bought them toys so they wouldn’t fuck with him.

So ask me why I fucked around and got pregnant a third time. Pooch was mad about the whole pregnancy and told me that I didn’t need to ruin my body by having more kids. We had a daughter, whom I named Princess. He kept referring to Princess as my baby, instead of his or our baby. He took care of the necessities for all of us, but in his mind, Princess was all mine, just as Terry and Brittany were.

At least that was how it was until Terrence was released from prison. He began spending time with his children, taking them here and there, and one day he even took Princess along on their outing, and Pooch nearly flipped out. Ever since then, Terrence had been a constant issue in our house. Pooch continued to spaz out more and more, and I was tired of it.

“Did you hear me?” Pooch yelled, spinning me around, interrupting my thoughts. He had joined me in the bedroom, but I hadn’t noticed him walk in.

“Huh?”

“Daydreaming about that nigga, huh?” he asked.

I exhaled deeply. “No, Pooch. I daydream only about you.”

He smiled. “You better,” he said, grabbing his crotch. “I put that shit down, and you know it.”

I nodded. “Yep, you do.”

“You ain’t taking no family photo with Terrence and y’all two kids. You are my woman, not his. His kids are his family, not you.”

I didn’t feel like arguing, so I conceded. “Fine, Pooch. I’ll tell him.”

“Now you sound like my girl,” he said, softening his tone. He pulled me close to him. “Princess is asleep and Terrence got his kids, so why don’t you bend that fat ass over and let me hit that shit right quick? I love the way having Princess blessed you with all that junk in the trunk.”

That was the last thing I wanted. I was drained from his damn mood swings. “I don’t feel like it, Pooch.”

“So you pissed that I won’t—” he began, defensive.

“No!” I yelled, interrupting him. “I’m not. I’m just . . .” I sighed, easing my jeans off. “Hurry up.” I bent my ass over and used the bed as leverage.

Pooch’s pants were on the floor faster than a speeding bullet. Before I could brace myself good, he was ramming his wood up in me.

“This shit good, ain’t it?” Pooch asked breathlessly as he banged the hell out of my pussy.

“Yep. Sure is, Pooch,” I lied. Not that he wasn’t good, but I wasn’t in the mood. “Get it, Pooch baby. It’s your stuff.”

“You damn right! Remember that shit!” he screamed, burying himself deep inside and then releasing with a hard jolt. “Ah yeah, baby. Remember that shit.”

“Ay, Mama, I just need you to watch Nadia for an hour, maybe two, tops.” I had been pleading with my mom for the past ten minutes and was now frustrated.

She’d told me no over the phone, but I had figured that showing up might earn me some sympathy points. But she was adamant that she did not have time to babysit. I knew she was lying, since she didn’t have to be at her second job until seven o’clock tonight, and it was only two. I wasn’t insensitive to the fact that my mom was tired. She worked two jobs and still cared for my six siblings single-handedly. Normally, I wouldn’t ask her at the last minute, but this was for my future, and I didn’t just want her help. I needed her help.

My mom heaved a frustrated sigh as she set the table. “Ay, Dios mio! Lucinda! I’m trying to get the table ready for dinner. Lucy and Jose are not here to help, because of their extracurricular activities, and I really want to rest before I have to go into work tonight.”

“Then let Anaya watch her. She can do it. She’s twelve.”

“Anaya is not responsible enough, and you know it,” my mom said, giving me the eye. “I really would love to help you out, Lucinda, but I can’t.”

“You act as if she’s a damn burden, Mama. She’s your grandchild, your only grandchild at that. She may as well be one of your kids. Peter is only two years older than her,” I snapped.

My mom spun around, with her arms folded, a move she did when she was about to lay into someone. “You’re right, Lucinda. She is my grandchild, my only grandchild, as you put it. No one else broke my heart by getting knocked up in school. I had to struggle to help you take care of her for two years, until you were able to do it on your own. She is your child, not mine. So don’t bring that damn guilt trip over here. She has other grandparents and a father, or did you forget that?”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay. I was wrong for that, but you’re my mother, and I need you.”

She threw her hands up. “Where is her no-good father anyway? Why in the hell can’t he do it?”

I looked at the kitchen doorway, to see Nadia looking at me. Her innocent face was so beautiful. “Mom, don’t,” I said, motioning toward Nadia.

“Nadia, go sit down,” my mom commanded. Nadia gasped and hightailed it to the living room. “You need to teach that child that when grown-ups are talking, she waits in another room. I have a right to ask this question about her father. He is the party responsible for her, not me.”

“He’s at work, Mom,” I lied. The truth was I didn’t know where the hell Raul was. The reason I was at my mom’s house was that Raul had been a no-show when it came time for him to pick up Nadia. That bastard was worse than the scum of the earth.

She looked at me as if she didn’t believe me. “Yeah, okay. Well, if he’s at work, I hope he’s on time with his child-support payments, because I can’t help you pay the day-care bill this week.”

I looked at the clock. It was 2:15 p.m. I really needed to get the hell out of there and to my appointment. “Mom, can you please do it?”

Just then my mom’s phone rang. It was my father. I hated that bastard, since he had cheated on my mom and had left her with all these kids. He’d since married the bitch, who was only two years older than me, and I was twenty-one. Now, he had a baby by her and acted as if my siblings and I didn’t exist, but get this, he took care of that bitch’s four-year-old daughter, who wasn’t even his.

“Mom,” I said, pressing her, as she was about to answer the call.

Ignoring me, she continued her phone conversation. Irritation danced across her face. With a sigh of frustration, she held out the phone. “It’s your good-for-nothing father. Ask him to do it. He’s going to be late with my child support and alimony check, so I have no need to talk to him.”

As desperate as I was for some assistance, I took that deal. I didn’t want to, but what other option did I have at this point? I grabbed the phone and said, “Dad, this is Lucinda.”

“Hola, hija! Your mother is trippin’ . . .”

Now, I knew he didn’t think I was going to let him sit on the phone and disrespect my mother. “Um, that’s between you two, but I need a favor,” I told him. “Can I drop Nadia off for a couple of hours?”

He paused. “I . . . uh . . . well, I’m watching Rosemary right now.”

Staring at the phone, I huffed. “Rosemary is four and Nadia is five, so they can play together. She needs to know her step-aunt anyway,” I said, and my mom burst into laughter.

“I don’t have to take this abuse from you. You’re the one who needs help, Lucy. Not me. Ask her father to watch her,” he snapped.

Why I even bothered, I did not know. He was laughable. “I don’t even have time to debate with you, Papa. You can’t even get your own children straight from digging up in Maria’s ass so much. Wrong kid, Pops. Lucy is only seventeen. It is impossible for her to have a five-year-old child.”

“I’ll tell you what, take care of your own child, Lucinda,” he barked.

“I tell you what, how about you have fun running after that little badass brat stepchild all by yourself, and when she gives you a heart attack, don’t look for any of us blood children to come take care of you at the hospital,” I barked back.

He slammed the phone down in my ear, and I handed the phone in my hand back to my mom. Like her, I was feisty and didn’t give a damn about talking to him like that. I felt that since he was my father, he should care about my mom, his kids, and his grandchild. No pussy in the world should change that.

My mom noticed the sad yet disgusted look on my face and hugged me. “Don’t worry about him. His deeds will come back to haunt him. We’ll be fine.”

Hugging her back, I kissed her on the cheek. “You encourage me, Mama.”

“I just want better for you, Lucinda. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I know.”

She patted my cheek, then went and grabbed an extra plate. “You better go to your appointment. You don’t want to be late.”

A bright smile crossed my face. “So you’ll watch Nadia for me?”

“Two hours, Lucinda, no more. I need to rest before work, and I won’t be able to with her here. You know, she is my first and only grandchild. I can’t let anyone else care for her.” She smiled.

She didn’t need to tell me twice. I kissed her and Nadia, said my good-byes to everyone, then ran out. When I glanced at my watch, it read 2:25 p.m. I still had time to go talk to the admissions counselor at Piedmont Tech. My hope was to enroll at Tech to become a certified medical claims and billing specialist.

Currently, I worked part-time during the day, from nine to one, as a claims verifier for National Cross HealthCare. I also worked part-time three nights a week and every Sunday afternoon at Susie Q Nail Salon, doing manicures, full nail sets, and fill-ins. I preferred to work on people’s hands. I wasn’t going to mess with anybody’s funky feet. Hell naw! The owners, Mr. and Mrs. Choi, were cool; and Mrs. Choi, or Mrs. Susie, as we called her, also served as the manager and head technician. I’d been friends with their daughter, Sue, who had taught me how to do manicures and pedicures, so they had let me work part-time at their shop while I was in high school. I’d been working there ever since.

Initially, Mr. Choi hadn’t allowed me to bring Nadia to work with me, but one day her bum-ass daddy had played no-show, and he now allowed me to bring Nadia to work whenever I needed to. Now Mr. Choi loved Nadia, and he was upset when I didn’t bring her. Nadia was a good kid, and everyone who met her fell in love with her, except her father. I was just glad that in terms of her personality, she took after me and my mother, and not her fat. . .