Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 4-6
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Synopsis
'The finest writing in the land. Limitless, joyous and terrifying' - RUSSELL T. DAVIES
Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith's darkly comedic creations are an endlessly dazzling masterclass in storytelling. Inside No. 9: The Scripts features every episode from Series 4-6 of the award-winning BBC2 anthology, including the live Halloween special and an original foreword for each series from the show's creators.
'One of the best pieces of British television in years' - INDEPENDENT
Release date: October 27, 2022
Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton
Print pages: 416
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Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 4-6
Steve Pemberton
—— Ah, no, you’re thinking of Black Mirror, Stephanie. This is Inside No. 9. It’s more dark comedy and … twists.
Reece, ‘Dead Line’
We entered into the writing process for Series 4 with some long-standing storytelling conceits that we felt would be perfect for the show to explore. As with all of these self-imposed script challenges, however, the trick is coming up with a story you want to tell that also best complements the way in which you’re trying to tell it.
We had thought for a while that we should try and tackle a farce. The best ones are intricate, well-oiled machines that require a deft handling of several story strands that escalate, intertwine and finally pay off in a joyously satisfying way. We explored several ideas, but rather like the slightly hackneyed Krampus legend we wanted to tell in ‘The Devil of Christmas’, they all seemed a bit too familiar. But if you look at them through the literary prism of Shakespeare, suddenly we had licence to use all these familiar plot devices and not feel ashamed that they were a bit ‘done to death’. Of course they are – it’s Shakespeare!
Starting with the surprisingly joyful ‘Zanzibar’, this series pushed the mechanics of storytelling to a greater level of complexity than we had attempted before. We wore our hearts on our sleeves in the sentimental ‘Bernie Clifton’s Dressing Room’, which moved people in a way that we were not expecting. The idea came from us wanting to try an episode that was basically a two-hander, a love letter to variety and the TV comedy we grew up with. The icing on the cake was the approval of Bernie Clifton himself, who confessed he was nervous at first upon hearing the title, but found the episode a very warm and authentic tip of the hat to his generation of comics.
‘Once Removed’ was another puzzle box of an episode. Our challenge was to have the viewer repeatedly re-evaluate the situation by telling the story backwards in ten-minute increments. It was a headache and hard not to get lost in the logic of it – and we also had our work cut out explaining any plot holes to the forensic Monica Dolan. Monica played May, whose actions are the engine of the story and, quite rightly, she needed to see her journey with absolute clarity to be able to proceed.
‘To Have and To Hold’ is probably one of the darkest tales we’d ever told and encapsulates a question that we often ask ourselves: ‘What do the audience think they’re watching?’ We play with this notion all the time, smuggling the real story in under the radar while your attention is on something else entirely. The story of Adrian and his failing marriage is the surface reading of a much darker affair.
Lighter – but in its way, no less savage – was ‘And the Winner Is …’, our take on awards panels and the fickle nature of deciding who is ‘Best’. We had a lot of fun with this episode, which is probably one of the funnier scripts that we’ve written.
The final instalment was our reworking of the W. W. Jacobs story ‘The Monkey’s Paw’. We made our elusive hare the star of the show and imbued him with the curse of three wishes. Our spin was playing with that double-edged sword, and what you would do given that wishes in this type of situation always seem to backfire. Without knowing if Series 5 was going to happen, we felt that if this was to be the final ever episode of Inside No. 9, the story of the hare’s curse made sense of all the ill fortune that had come and gone in his wake.
Luckily for us, we did have further scripts commissioned, starting with the suggestion from BBC Studios’ Chris Sussman that we should try a one-off live episode to air as a Halloween special. After initial scepticism, we hit upon the idea of creating a fake story (‘Dead Line’), which would then break down due to technical faults as the whole studio was taken over by the ‘ghosts in the machine’. The script, therefore, resembles a mosaic of scripted and unscripted scenes, intercut with archive footage and a repeat of Series 1’s ‘A Quiet Night In’. The whole team strove to make the breakdown as authentic as possible, resulting in a fifth of our audience turning off or switching channels, a result we took perverse delight in. We hope you do too. Enjoy!
CAST LIST
FRED – Jaygann Ayeh
PRINCE – Rory Kinnear
HENRY – Reece Shearsmith
ALICE – Marcia Warren
MR GREEN – Bill Paterson
ROBERT – Steve Pemberton
AMBER – Hattie Morahan
GUS – Rory Kinnear
COLETTE – Helen Monks
TRACEY – Tanya Franks
VINCE – Kevin Eldon
EXT. HOTEL. DAY.
A large hotel in central London called the Zanzibar.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
The action takes place in a hotel corridor on the ninth floor. There are eight doors, four on either side of the corridor, numbered 911 to 918. 911 is furthest from the lift, 912 is opposite 911, and so on. The lift is just off the corridor. We see the lift numbers ascend to number 9.
TITLE: ‘Zanzibar’.
The lift doors open and FRED, a uniformed bellboy, appears, pushing a luggage trolley containing four smart suitcases.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR. DAY.
FRED, twenties, handsome and charming, addresses the audience.
FRED Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar, I see
You have not stayed with us before, but please
Feel free to linger in our corridor
And take a butcher’s around the ninth floor.
As FRED wheels the luggage past door 915, he stops and grabs some chips from a plate left on a tray.
FRED The residents who here will spend the night
Like mountaineers at base camp, they just might
Be on their way up or on their way down;
Some wear an anorak, others a crown
But all are here to meet their fate head-on.
Will Lady Luck smile on them come the dawn?
FRED has arrived at room 911. He lets himself in with his key card.
FRED Who knows? ’Cos I’m just here to nick their chips
And smile and smile, and hope for decent tips.
FRED wheels the luggage into the room.
At the other end of the corridor, PRINCE RICO and HENRY appear.
The PRINCE is suave and immaculately groomed. HENRY is his serious head of security.
HENRY wears a headset and speaks into his cuff.
HENRY Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building.
PRINCE For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff?
There’s no one here. You’re armed?
HENRY Yes, sir.
PRINCE So chill.
The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough
To keep me safe from harm, surely?
HENRY But still.
I swore an oath to your father the king
That I would keep you in my sight all week.
His enemies would not hesitate to bring
A gun to a knife fight …
PRINCE Henry …
HENRY Let me speak.
You are our country’s future, dearest Prince.
My job’s to save you from any grievous plot.
PRINCE But all this talk of murder makes me wince!
Like this iambic foot, you’re stressed, I’m not.
Now let me to my room, goodnight, God bless.
(Furtively) I take it we have all the channels?
HENRY Yes.
They have arrived at the doors to 911 on the left and 912 on the right. FRED emerges from 911 with the luggage trolley, which now holds just one case.
FRED Ah, Mr Brown! Your luggage is within.
D’you need a tour of the room?
PRINCE Not fussed.
PRINCE hands FRED a £50 note, then goes inside and closes the door.
FRED And Mr Blue …
HENRY I’m in nine-twelve, go in.
And so you know, that tip’s from both of us.
FRED wheels the trolley into 912. The door closes. HENRY is alone.
HENRY Sleep well, sweet Prince.
(To audience)
He shall not live the night.
’Tis understood assassins wish him dead
To cleanse our country of his family’s line.
So when Prince Rico meets my little friend …
HENRY pulls a flick-knife from his belt.
HENRY (cont’d) And grief does shake the old king of his wits,
My father stands in readiness to rule.
Then I will wear the prince’s crown instead.
FRED emerges from 912 with the empty trolley and holds the door for HENRY, who goes inside.
HENRY And I’ll be nine-one-one, not nine-one-two.
FRED begins pushing the trolley up the corridor, but the PRINCE emerges and quietly beckons him back.
PRINCE Young man, come here – a word with you, I pray.
I wish to speak more plainly, if I may?
FRED Sir, it’s the only language I understand.
PRINCE Good. I wish to order some room service which is ‘off-menu’, if you catch my drift.
FRED I do indeed, sir. Would you care to describe the dish you had in mind?
FRED notes the details down in his pad.
PRINCE Female. Redhead. Mature …
FRED Aha.
PRINCE Willing to indulge in some … slightly unusual practices.
FRED No problem – yellow or brown?
PRINCE What?
FRED Does sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign?
PRINCE Oh, water – the other would be …
The PRINCE wrinkles his nose.
FRED Absolutely.
The PRINCE takes another £50 note from his wad and rips it in two.
He hands one half to FRED.
PRINCE Here. The other half will come …
FRED After you do – I understand. Leave it with me;
I know just the girl for you.
The PRINCE smiles and closes the door. FRED heads up the corridor.
FRED Oh happy days! The Fates they do conspire!
I’ll profit from another man’s desire!
FRED disappears round the corner with his trolley.
The door to 918 opens and ALICE emerges. She is a sweet old lady in floral nightdress. She crosses to 915 and knocks.
MR GREEN opens the door. He wears a shirt and tie and is ill-tempered.
MR GREEN Yes?
ALICE I’m sorry, sir, but may I trouble you?
There is a strange man in my room.
MR GREEN Which room?
ALICE It’s one of these, but which I cannot say …
Things fall out of my head so quick these days.
MR GREEN Did you not see the sign upon my door?
MR GREEN refers to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on his handle.
MR GREEN (cont’d) Do not disturb me, please, I do implore.
ALICE I’m frightened, sir, he’s got me all aquiver …
The door to 918 opens and ROBERT emerges. He is a camp mummy’s boy, the long-suffering son of ALICE.
ALICE And here he comes, he means me harm!
ROBERT Mother! (To MR GREEN) I’m so sorry, she wanders off a lot. (To ALICE) Come back to bed, you’re missing Emmerdale.
MR GREEN (to ALICE) Is this your son?
ALICE I don’t know.
ROBERT Yes, I am.
She knows me not, it’s such a sorry tale.
She took a tumble nipping into Boots.
This was in August …
ALICE 1953.
ROBERT She hit her head and now her memory’s gone.
ALICE My memory’s fine.
ROBERT For them days – not for these!
She’s like a goldfish that you win at fair.
MR GREEN You mean she’s going to die within a week?
ROBERT No!
She swims about but nothing is retained
We’re trying this new memory technique.
ALICE (to MR GREEN) Are you my husband?
ROBERT No, he’s just a man.
MR GREEN A man who wishes to be left in peace.
If that is all, I’m going to close the door.
MR GREEN slams his door closed.
ALICE I met him once on Coronation Street.
ROBERT rolls his eyes and ushers ALICE back to 918.
A middle-aged couple, AMBER and GUS, come down the corridor. They carry their cases. AMBER storms ahead in a bad mood.
GUS looks exactly like the PRINCE, but speaks with a regional accent and wears glasses. Both roles are played by the same actor.
AMBER I can’t believe you made me walk in heels.
A taxi would have been, like, fifteen pounds.
And then you make me carry all these bags,
You know full well my back is really bad.
GUS Why pay a boy in uniform a pound
For doing something we can do ourselves?
Sweet Amber, don’t be angry with me, please …
AMBER You have the key card?
GUS Yes, I’ve got it here.
GUS tries his key card in the door for room 914. It doesn’t work.
GUS I don’t know why, it doesn’t seem to work.
What if I try it quickly in and out?
GUS tries the card again, quickly.
AMBER Just like our sex life.
GUS Amber!
AMBER Sorry.
GUS No joy.
I’ll go back to Reception – you wait here.
GUS exits, leaving AMBER with the bags.
AMBER No joy? No joy we’ve had for ages now.
Ten years together, maybe that’s our peak.
Our love has turned as stale as last week’s bread
Long gone the days when he made my knees weak
A night in a hotel won’t be enough
To keep my heart from all this nagging doubt.
Do I extend my holiday with Gus?
Or should I pay my bill and then check out?
COLETTE, the pretty chambermaid, appears from the near end of the corridor. She speaks in prose.
COLETTE Is aught the matter, madam? Are you locked out of your room?
AMBER Yes, my boyfriend’s gone to fetch another card.
COLETTE They are most unreliable.
AMBER Boyfriends?
COLETTE No, the key cards, but I know what you mean. My Fred, he’s the bellboy, he can be a bit tricky sometimes, but he’s got a good heart.
AMBER Have you been together a long time?
COLETTE Oh yeah, ages. Fifteen weeks. He’s forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms for a bit of how’s-your-father, but that turns me right off, ’cos my father’s dead.
AMBER At least he’s attentive.
COLETTE Yeah, he’s always standing to attention, if you take my meaning, but there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. So, do you want me to let you in? I’ve got a pass key.
AMBER has made up her mind.
AMBER No. Do you have any other rooms available?
COLETTE checks her clipboard.
COLETTE Erm, there’s nobody booked in nine-one-three. I can put you in there, if you like?
COLETTE opens door 913 and AMBER takes her cases in.
AMBER You’re right, a woman should be woo’d with care.
COLETTE Oh, we haven’t had it off in there.
AMBER closes the door to 913. The door to 911 opens and the PRINCE emerges, wheeling out his two large cases.
PRINCE Excuse me, miss, I hate to be a bore
I was looking at my key card and I saw
The number of this room is nine-one-one
For me to stay in here – can’t be done.
COLETTE You do not like the number, sir?
PRINCE No way!
COLETTE Well, nine-fourteen has just come free today.
The PRINCE wheels his cases over to room 914. COLETTE unlocks the door for him.
PRINCE I’m very superstitious as of late
And to stay in nine-eleven’s tempting Fate.
COLETTE At least you haven’t had to travel far.
Have you taken anything from your minibar?
PRINCE No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor
The water sports will now be nine-one-four.
The PRINCE closes the door to room 914. COLETTE heads up the corridor.
COLETTE What water sports? We haven’t got a pool.
The door to room 915 opens and MR GREEN appears.
MR GREEN Excuse me, I’m missing a plug for my bath.
COLETTE It’s not electric, sir – that would be dangerous.
MR GREEN To keep the water in!
COLETTE Oh, that kind of plug! I’ll try and find you one, Mr …?
MR GREEN Green.
COLETTE turns and heads back down the corridor, leaving MR GREEN alone.
MR GREEN Poor girl. She does not know the reason why
I need a bath plug urgently. For that
Which stops the water seeping out will stop
Also what little life I have in me.
When these blue rivers in my wrist do run
And mingle with the cheap bath salts and soap,
Then will my guilt drain out with them to sea.
And will my children mourn? I can but hope.
My boys, my twins, were given up at birth.
Their mother died and I was still in jail.
One stayed in England, one was sent abroad
I know not what became of either one.
So tonight I will put me to my sword;
But for a bath plug, then ’tis quickly done.
MR GREEN closes his door just as GUS rounds the corner with a new key card.
GUS I have the new card here, Amber! She’s gone …
Perhaps she is inside, or has she flown?
GUS tries the key card. It still doesn’t work.
GUS These sodding key cards never bloody work
I must have held it near my mobile phone.
FRED appears and uses his pass key to open room 917.
FRED Colette, my dainty duckling, is going to meet me here for a bit of ‘how’s-yer-dead-father’. I’ll leave it on the latch – well, the key cards can’t be trusted.
FRED sees GUS trying his key card again.
FRED Ah, sir, may we speak plainly once again?
GUS Of course.
FRED You’re barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here, nine-one-one.
FRED takes GUS’s arm and leads him to room 911.
GUS Oh, I see. That’ll be why the card refused to work.
FRED uses his pass key to open the door.
FRED Your ‘room service’ is on its way.
GUS Oh, good. Bring it straight up, would you? And be discreet.
FRED Naturally.
FRED lingers, waiting for another tip.
FRED Anything else I can help you with, sir?
GUS No, thank you. Oh …
GUS reaches into his pocket and hands a 20p coin to FRED.
FRED Very kind, sir. (To audience) From fifty pounds to twenty pence. What did I do wrong?
FRED pockets the money and exits. GUS calls into the room.
GUS Amber?
No reply. GUS addresses the audience.
GUS She’s not yet here; my plan is now afoot.
I have arranged for an apple tart to be
Brought to our room. But unbeknownst to Amber,
A ring is baked within. And when she takes
Her first big bite of that confectionery
‘I do’, I hope, she’ll say, and merrily, we’ll marry!
GUS closes the door to 911.
The door to room 918 opens and ALICE emerges, now in her nightdress. She wanders down the corridor and knocks on the door to room 914. The PRINCE opens the door, now in his towelling robe.
ALICE I need a wee.
PRINCE Be quiet, have some tact!
We must discuss the tariff for this act.
ALICE I have to pay?
PRINCE No, madam – I pay you.
A thousand pounds?
ALICE And how much for a poo?
PRINCE So, were you once a redhead?
ALICE Oh, behave!
PRINCE (aside) I said mature, not dug up from the grave. (To ALICE)
Will you do bondage?
ALICE Yes, there’s every chance.
I did a course at St John’s Ambulance.
PRINCE I’m glad that you are keen, that’s good to know.
Just tie me up, and you can let it flow.
ALICE enters the room. Just then, the door to 913 opens opposite, and AMBER appears. She stares at the PRINCE, mistaking him for GUS.
AMBER You know I’m staying in here tonight?
PRINCE OK.
AMBER I need some space.
PRINCE I care not what you do.
AMBER You really are a pig.
PRINCE What’s that?
ALICE appears.
ALICE Who’s this?
PRINCE Go back to bed and I will join you soon.
ALICE goes back into the room. AMBER marches over and slaps the PRINCE in the face. She then goes back to room 913 and slams the door.
The PRINCE is nonplussed and closes the door.
The door to room 912 opens and HENRY appears. He is holding his knife. He checks that no one else is in the corridor, then emerges from his room.
HENRY No longer in the shadows can I lurk.
’Tis time for me t’attend my grizzly work.
HENRY is about to put the key card into the door of room 911, but he stops himself.
HENRY But wait …
If I am to be blameless of this deed
Then must I have an alibi as fact.
I did just watch the hypnotist downstairs!
He really did a very funny act …
HENRY is about to put the key card in, but stops again.
HENRY But wait …
What if I could be the hero of the hour
As if I fought to save the prince’s life?
I’ll cut my face to illustrate my lie
But what if I go too deep with the knife?
HENRY hesitates, then girds his loins.
HENRY Come, Henry, stop equivocating, act!
The time for dilly-dallying has gone.
Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart …
HENRY raises the hand in which he holds the knife. He notices the small microphone in his cuff.
HENRY I hope I didn’t leave the talk-back on …
HENRY taps the microphone.
HENRY Hello? Hello?
HENRY is satisfied that the microphone is off.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
The lift doors open and out steps TRACEY, a red-headed prostitute.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR. DAY.
TRACEY walks down the corridor. She passes door 915 and MR GREEN pops his head out.
MR GREEN Excuse me, miss! Do you have my plug?
TRACEY I do have a plug, but probably not the kind you mean.
MR GREEN goes back into his room. TRACEY approaches HENRY outside 911. HENRY conceals his knife.
TRACEY Are you the gentleman from nine-one-one, a Mr Brown?
HENRY I’m Mr Brown’s security advisor, what mean you with him?
TRACEY He’s ordered some ‘executive relief’, the details of which are not for you to know. Suffice to say he is the executive …
HENRY And you are the relief.
TRACEY Well, I’ll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please. I’ve got another slot to fill at ten.
HENRY is about to knock on the door when he has a thought.
HENRY May I ask your name?
TRACEY Tracey, but people call me Red.
TRACEY indicates her red hair.
HENRY Well then, Little Red, how would you like to increase your fee tonight threefold?
TRACEY You’ve pricked my interest; what did you have in mind?
HENRY My master has a meeting in the morn of great import, and
I don’t want him up all night …
TRACEY Neither do I, believe me.
HENRY After you and he have done the deed, he most like will imbibe a glass of wine. Into his cup this tincture pour …
HENRY produces a small phial of liquid and hands it to TRACEY.
HENRY ’Tis a sedative to help him sleep.
TRACEY Oh, fine! I thought you were after a spit-roast.
HENRY No, I’ve ordered room service.
HENRY knocks on the door to room 911. GUS answers. GUS is now in a towelling robe. TRACEY waits to one side.
HENRY Good evening, sir. I trust that all is well?
GUS Oh yes, thank you, the room is very nice.
HENRY I hear you ordered a tart this evening?
GUS I did.
Has it arrived?
HENRY Just now.
GUS Then bring it in.
GUS disappears into the room. HENRY gestures for TRACEY to enter. She closes the door behind her.
HENRY Thus when the prince in deepest slumber lays
Then will I strike, and so avoid his gaze.
Better he dies still thinking me a friend;
This wench has helped me bring about his end.
HENRY goes back to room 912 and shuts the door. The door to room 918 opens and ROBERT appears in a T-shirt and boxers.
ROBERT Mother! Mother! She’s vanished from the room.
Two minutes in the shower and she’s gone!
I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough
To keep her happy, but she’s done a bunk.
ROBERT knocks on MR GREEN’s door. MR GREEN opens the door. He is holding a curtain rope that has been tied into a noose.
ROBERT I’m sorry to disturb you once again.
You haven’t got my mother in there?
MR GREEN No!
Why can’t you people just leave me in peace?
Can you not see that I’m tied up right now?
MR GREEN slams the door. ROBERT moves to the lift area.
ROBERT God knows what goes on behind these closed doors
‘Don’t ask, don’t tell,’ as mother always says …
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
ROBERT presses the button for the lift.
ROBERT I’d better find her quick before she falls.
I’ll try the hypnotism show downstairs.
ROBERT steps into the left-hand lift and the doors close, just as the doors open on the right-hand lift. COLETTE and VINCE step out. VINCE is a pompous stage hypnotist. He wears a shimmery shirt and a small theatrical cape. COLETTE pushes a food trolley that bears a silver-domed plate.
COLETTE I saw you your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good.
VINCE Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself. ’Tis a potent combination of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and my persuasive vocal technique.
COLETTE Yes. I liked it when they had to do the Birdie Dance every time you shouted ‘spaghetti bolognese’.
VINCE Aye, well … ’tis important to entertain as well as educate. One sometimes has to paint in primary colours.
COLETTE This is your room: nine-one-six.
VINCE Thank you, child. I’ll take a glass of vino, when you’re ready.
COLETTE Of course. And the lady I was telling you about is there in nine-one-three.
VINCE Ah, yes. Unhappy in love, you say?
COLETTE She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend ordered this …
COLETTE lifts the dome to reveal an apple tart.
COLETTE It has an engagement ring inside.
VINCE How very tacky.
COLETTE She just needs a little persuasion, is that something you can do?
VINCE My child, I’ve hypnotised smokers to stop smoking and fatties to stop eating. I’m sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again.
COLETTE It would be nice to have a happy ending, for I fear I am partly to blame. Come, I’ll show you to her …
COLETTE leaves the trolley outside room 916. They cross to room 913 and AMBER answers the door. She has been crying.
AMBER Yes?
COLETTE Excuse me, Amber, this is Vince De Tranz,
He is the hypnotist at Zanzibar.
VINCE I once regressed a lady through past lives.
Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra.
AMBER And what on earth has that to do with me?
COLETTE If we could come in for a moment, you will see.
AMBER lets VINCE and COLETTE into room 913.
The door to room 914 opens and ALICE emerges with the PRINCE. He hands her £1,000 in £50 notes.
PRINCE Here, madam, and I thank you for your pains.
ALICE I’m not sure what just happened, but thanks, mister.
PRINCE Would you ever consider girl-on-girl?
ALICE I did once share a bunk bed with my sister.
The PRINCE smiles and closes the door to room 914. ALICE wanders off up the corridor.
ALICE Now, I know my door begins with number nine …
ALICE tries the doors to room 913, then room 915, before finding the door to room 917 ajar.
ALICE Ah, this one’s open, guess it must be mine.
ALICE disappears into room 917.
The door to room 911 opens and GUS storms out, closely followed by TRACEY. GUS is dripping wet. TRACEY holds a glass of wine.
GUS Madam, what mean you by this? Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me!
TRACEY Why else are you paying me?
GUS Pay you? Pay you? You have just done me the most disgraceful wrong! I will see that you are sorely punished.
TRACEY Fine, but that will cost you extra. Now come, sirrah, and take a stoop of wine …
GUS Madam, I have had quite enough of your … fluids. I’ll take no more.
FRED appears.
FRED What seems to be the issue here, sir?
GUS Her issue is my issue! This harlot, this creature, this red-headed whore …
FRED Yes?
GUS Has just – I can scarce get out the words – has just used me as a privy!
FRED Excellent! And I trust it all went swimmingly?
TRACEY He refuses now to pay.
FRED Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir, otherwise she is wont to stay and make a fuss. And while we’re on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this …
FRED shows his half £50 note.
GUS Have I gone mad? Has the world turned upside down? I am assaulted on all sides and then asked to pay for the pleasure!
TRACEY That’s the idea.
FRED Is this some kind of role play?
TRACEY Pay me my money!
GUS I will not!
GUS goes back into room 911 and slams the door.
MR GREEN pokes his head out of room 915. He now has the noose around his neck.
MR GREEN Will you please be quiet! You keep me from my work.
He goes back in and slams the door. FRED takes TRACEY’s arm and drags her up the corridor.
FRED Look, Red, you wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire.
TRACEY I’m hungry and you promised me a meal!
FRED grabs the plate of leftovers from outside room 915.
FRED Here, take these leftovers and …
TRACEY Leftovers!
FRED All right, look …
FRED lifts the dome from the plate outside room 916 and sees the apple tart.
FRED Have this, hasn’t been touched.
TRACEY puts down the drugged wine and takes the tart. FRED puts the plate of leftovers on the trolley, covering it with the dome.
FRED Give me but two minutes, I prithee …
FRED and TRACEY disappear into room 917.
The door to room 913 opens and VINCE and COLETTE emerge.
VINCE Now child, the ritual is complete. She is in a trance-like state, and when you bring her boyfriend to her door, she will look upon him with new-found ardour and passionately embrace him.
COLETTE Thank you, Vince. Cupid himself could not have aimed more true. I’ll fetch him right away.
COLETTE goes to room 914 and knocks on the door.
VINCE takes the glass of wine from the trolley and opens the door to room 916.
VINCE Ah, perfect!
VINCE starts to sip from the wine as he enters his room.
COLETTE knocks on the door of room 914. The PRINCE answers.
COLETTE Hello, kind sir, I am Colette, the maid.
I’m on an errand, if you would be led.
COLETTE takes the PRINCE’s hand.
PRINCE Ah, good, the maid, you must have read my mind.
There’s been a little spillage on the bed.
The PRINCE pulls COLETTE into the room.
COLETTE But sir, I …
The door to room 914 closes.
The door to room 917 opens and FRED emerges with ALICE.
FRED No, Mrs Hargreaves, you’re in here – nine-one-eight.
ALICE Are you my son? I had him with me, but he’s forever wandering off …
FRED lets ALICE into room 918 and the door closes, just as ROBERT emerges from the lift area.
ROBERT I have searched every floor from one to eight
Of my mother, alas, there is no sign.
I never should have let her from my sight.
I pray that someone’s seen her here tonight …
ROBERT knocks on the door to room 913 and AMBER answers.
ROBERT Hello …
AMBER is love-struck immediately. She stares at ROBERT.
AMBER What angel is this knocks upon my door?
ROBERT Sorry?
AMBER My heart has burst and overflows with joy.
A vision of such beauty and rare poise.
ROBERT I did do ballet lessons as a boy.
AMBER advances on ROBERT and strokes his face.
AMBER Thine eyes are pools wherein I see my soul
Thy apple cheeks as soft as new-fall’n snow …
ROBERT What you doin
Reece, ‘Dead Line’
We entered into the writing process for Series 4 with some long-standing storytelling conceits that we felt would be perfect for the show to explore. As with all of these self-imposed script challenges, however, the trick is coming up with a story you want to tell that also best complements the way in which you’re trying to tell it.
We had thought for a while that we should try and tackle a farce. The best ones are intricate, well-oiled machines that require a deft handling of several story strands that escalate, intertwine and finally pay off in a joyously satisfying way. We explored several ideas, but rather like the slightly hackneyed Krampus legend we wanted to tell in ‘The Devil of Christmas’, they all seemed a bit too familiar. But if you look at them through the literary prism of Shakespeare, suddenly we had licence to use all these familiar plot devices and not feel ashamed that they were a bit ‘done to death’. Of course they are – it’s Shakespeare!
Starting with the surprisingly joyful ‘Zanzibar’, this series pushed the mechanics of storytelling to a greater level of complexity than we had attempted before. We wore our hearts on our sleeves in the sentimental ‘Bernie Clifton’s Dressing Room’, which moved people in a way that we were not expecting. The idea came from us wanting to try an episode that was basically a two-hander, a love letter to variety and the TV comedy we grew up with. The icing on the cake was the approval of Bernie Clifton himself, who confessed he was nervous at first upon hearing the title, but found the episode a very warm and authentic tip of the hat to his generation of comics.
‘Once Removed’ was another puzzle box of an episode. Our challenge was to have the viewer repeatedly re-evaluate the situation by telling the story backwards in ten-minute increments. It was a headache and hard not to get lost in the logic of it – and we also had our work cut out explaining any plot holes to the forensic Monica Dolan. Monica played May, whose actions are the engine of the story and, quite rightly, she needed to see her journey with absolute clarity to be able to proceed.
‘To Have and To Hold’ is probably one of the darkest tales we’d ever told and encapsulates a question that we often ask ourselves: ‘What do the audience think they’re watching?’ We play with this notion all the time, smuggling the real story in under the radar while your attention is on something else entirely. The story of Adrian and his failing marriage is the surface reading of a much darker affair.
Lighter – but in its way, no less savage – was ‘And the Winner Is …’, our take on awards panels and the fickle nature of deciding who is ‘Best’. We had a lot of fun with this episode, which is probably one of the funnier scripts that we’ve written.
The final instalment was our reworking of the W. W. Jacobs story ‘The Monkey’s Paw’. We made our elusive hare the star of the show and imbued him with the curse of three wishes. Our spin was playing with that double-edged sword, and what you would do given that wishes in this type of situation always seem to backfire. Without knowing if Series 5 was going to happen, we felt that if this was to be the final ever episode of Inside No. 9, the story of the hare’s curse made sense of all the ill fortune that had come and gone in his wake.
Luckily for us, we did have further scripts commissioned, starting with the suggestion from BBC Studios’ Chris Sussman that we should try a one-off live episode to air as a Halloween special. After initial scepticism, we hit upon the idea of creating a fake story (‘Dead Line’), which would then break down due to technical faults as the whole studio was taken over by the ‘ghosts in the machine’. The script, therefore, resembles a mosaic of scripted and unscripted scenes, intercut with archive footage and a repeat of Series 1’s ‘A Quiet Night In’. The whole team strove to make the breakdown as authentic as possible, resulting in a fifth of our audience turning off or switching channels, a result we took perverse delight in. We hope you do too. Enjoy!
CAST LIST
FRED – Jaygann Ayeh
PRINCE – Rory Kinnear
HENRY – Reece Shearsmith
ALICE – Marcia Warren
MR GREEN – Bill Paterson
ROBERT – Steve Pemberton
AMBER – Hattie Morahan
GUS – Rory Kinnear
COLETTE – Helen Monks
TRACEY – Tanya Franks
VINCE – Kevin Eldon
EXT. HOTEL. DAY.
A large hotel in central London called the Zanzibar.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
The action takes place in a hotel corridor on the ninth floor. There are eight doors, four on either side of the corridor, numbered 911 to 918. 911 is furthest from the lift, 912 is opposite 911, and so on. The lift is just off the corridor. We see the lift numbers ascend to number 9.
TITLE: ‘Zanzibar’.
The lift doors open and FRED, a uniformed bellboy, appears, pushing a luggage trolley containing four smart suitcases.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR. DAY.
FRED, twenties, handsome and charming, addresses the audience.
FRED Welcome to Hotel Zanzibar, I see
You have not stayed with us before, but please
Feel free to linger in our corridor
And take a butcher’s around the ninth floor.
As FRED wheels the luggage past door 915, he stops and grabs some chips from a plate left on a tray.
FRED The residents who here will spend the night
Like mountaineers at base camp, they just might
Be on their way up or on their way down;
Some wear an anorak, others a crown
But all are here to meet their fate head-on.
Will Lady Luck smile on them come the dawn?
FRED has arrived at room 911. He lets himself in with his key card.
FRED Who knows? ’Cos I’m just here to nick their chips
And smile and smile, and hope for decent tips.
FRED wheels the luggage into the room.
At the other end of the corridor, PRINCE RICO and HENRY appear.
The PRINCE is suave and immaculately groomed. HENRY is his serious head of security.
HENRY wears a headset and speaks into his cuff.
HENRY Mr Blue and Mr Brown are in the building.
PRINCE For shame, Henry, why speak you to your cuff?
There’s no one here. You’re armed?
HENRY Yes, sir.
PRINCE So chill.
The fact that we use pseudonyms is enough
To keep me safe from harm, surely?
HENRY But still.
I swore an oath to your father the king
That I would keep you in my sight all week.
His enemies would not hesitate to bring
A gun to a knife fight …
PRINCE Henry …
HENRY Let me speak.
You are our country’s future, dearest Prince.
My job’s to save you from any grievous plot.
PRINCE But all this talk of murder makes me wince!
Like this iambic foot, you’re stressed, I’m not.
Now let me to my room, goodnight, God bless.
(Furtively) I take it we have all the channels?
HENRY Yes.
They have arrived at the doors to 911 on the left and 912 on the right. FRED emerges from 911 with the luggage trolley, which now holds just one case.
FRED Ah, Mr Brown! Your luggage is within.
D’you need a tour of the room?
PRINCE Not fussed.
PRINCE hands FRED a £50 note, then goes inside and closes the door.
FRED And Mr Blue …
HENRY I’m in nine-twelve, go in.
And so you know, that tip’s from both of us.
FRED wheels the trolley into 912. The door closes. HENRY is alone.
HENRY Sleep well, sweet Prince.
(To audience)
He shall not live the night.
’Tis understood assassins wish him dead
To cleanse our country of his family’s line.
So when Prince Rico meets my little friend …
HENRY pulls a flick-knife from his belt.
HENRY (cont’d) And grief does shake the old king of his wits,
My father stands in readiness to rule.
Then I will wear the prince’s crown instead.
FRED emerges from 912 with the empty trolley and holds the door for HENRY, who goes inside.
HENRY And I’ll be nine-one-one, not nine-one-two.
FRED begins pushing the trolley up the corridor, but the PRINCE emerges and quietly beckons him back.
PRINCE Young man, come here – a word with you, I pray.
I wish to speak more plainly, if I may?
FRED Sir, it’s the only language I understand.
PRINCE Good. I wish to order some room service which is ‘off-menu’, if you catch my drift.
FRED I do indeed, sir. Would you care to describe the dish you had in mind?
FRED notes the details down in his pad.
PRINCE Female. Redhead. Mature …
FRED Aha.
PRINCE Willing to indulge in some … slightly unusual practices.
FRED No problem – yellow or brown?
PRINCE What?
FRED Does sir prefer the water sign or the earth sign?
PRINCE Oh, water – the other would be …
The PRINCE wrinkles his nose.
FRED Absolutely.
The PRINCE takes another £50 note from his wad and rips it in two.
He hands one half to FRED.
PRINCE Here. The other half will come …
FRED After you do – I understand. Leave it with me;
I know just the girl for you.
The PRINCE smiles and closes the door. FRED heads up the corridor.
FRED Oh happy days! The Fates they do conspire!
I’ll profit from another man’s desire!
FRED disappears round the corner with his trolley.
The door to 918 opens and ALICE emerges. She is a sweet old lady in floral nightdress. She crosses to 915 and knocks.
MR GREEN opens the door. He wears a shirt and tie and is ill-tempered.
MR GREEN Yes?
ALICE I’m sorry, sir, but may I trouble you?
There is a strange man in my room.
MR GREEN Which room?
ALICE It’s one of these, but which I cannot say …
Things fall out of my head so quick these days.
MR GREEN Did you not see the sign upon my door?
MR GREEN refers to the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on his handle.
MR GREEN (cont’d) Do not disturb me, please, I do implore.
ALICE I’m frightened, sir, he’s got me all aquiver …
The door to 918 opens and ROBERT emerges. He is a camp mummy’s boy, the long-suffering son of ALICE.
ALICE And here he comes, he means me harm!
ROBERT Mother! (To MR GREEN) I’m so sorry, she wanders off a lot. (To ALICE) Come back to bed, you’re missing Emmerdale.
MR GREEN (to ALICE) Is this your son?
ALICE I don’t know.
ROBERT Yes, I am.
She knows me not, it’s such a sorry tale.
She took a tumble nipping into Boots.
This was in August …
ALICE 1953.
ROBERT She hit her head and now her memory’s gone.
ALICE My memory’s fine.
ROBERT For them days – not for these!
She’s like a goldfish that you win at fair.
MR GREEN You mean she’s going to die within a week?
ROBERT No!
She swims about but nothing is retained
We’re trying this new memory technique.
ALICE (to MR GREEN) Are you my husband?
ROBERT No, he’s just a man.
MR GREEN A man who wishes to be left in peace.
If that is all, I’m going to close the door.
MR GREEN slams his door closed.
ALICE I met him once on Coronation Street.
ROBERT rolls his eyes and ushers ALICE back to 918.
A middle-aged couple, AMBER and GUS, come down the corridor. They carry their cases. AMBER storms ahead in a bad mood.
GUS looks exactly like the PRINCE, but speaks with a regional accent and wears glasses. Both roles are played by the same actor.
AMBER I can’t believe you made me walk in heels.
A taxi would have been, like, fifteen pounds.
And then you make me carry all these bags,
You know full well my back is really bad.
GUS Why pay a boy in uniform a pound
For doing something we can do ourselves?
Sweet Amber, don’t be angry with me, please …
AMBER You have the key card?
GUS Yes, I’ve got it here.
GUS tries his key card in the door for room 914. It doesn’t work.
GUS I don’t know why, it doesn’t seem to work.
What if I try it quickly in and out?
GUS tries the card again, quickly.
AMBER Just like our sex life.
GUS Amber!
AMBER Sorry.
GUS No joy.
I’ll go back to Reception – you wait here.
GUS exits, leaving AMBER with the bags.
AMBER No joy? No joy we’ve had for ages now.
Ten years together, maybe that’s our peak.
Our love has turned as stale as last week’s bread
Long gone the days when he made my knees weak
A night in a hotel won’t be enough
To keep my heart from all this nagging doubt.
Do I extend my holiday with Gus?
Or should I pay my bill and then check out?
COLETTE, the pretty chambermaid, appears from the near end of the corridor. She speaks in prose.
COLETTE Is aught the matter, madam? Are you locked out of your room?
AMBER Yes, my boyfriend’s gone to fetch another card.
COLETTE They are most unreliable.
AMBER Boyfriends?
COLETTE No, the key cards, but I know what you mean. My Fred, he’s the bellboy, he can be a bit tricky sometimes, but he’s got a good heart.
AMBER Have you been together a long time?
COLETTE Oh yeah, ages. Fifteen weeks. He’s forever trying to drag me into one of the empty rooms for a bit of how’s-your-father, but that turns me right off, ’cos my father’s dead.
AMBER At least he’s attentive.
COLETTE Yeah, he’s always standing to attention, if you take my meaning, but there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me. So, do you want me to let you in? I’ve got a pass key.
AMBER has made up her mind.
AMBER No. Do you have any other rooms available?
COLETTE checks her clipboard.
COLETTE Erm, there’s nobody booked in nine-one-three. I can put you in there, if you like?
COLETTE opens door 913 and AMBER takes her cases in.
AMBER You’re right, a woman should be woo’d with care.
COLETTE Oh, we haven’t had it off in there.
AMBER closes the door to 913. The door to 911 opens and the PRINCE emerges, wheeling out his two large cases.
PRINCE Excuse me, miss, I hate to be a bore
I was looking at my key card and I saw
The number of this room is nine-one-one
For me to stay in here – can’t be done.
COLETTE You do not like the number, sir?
PRINCE No way!
COLETTE Well, nine-fourteen has just come free today.
The PRINCE wheels his cases over to room 914. COLETTE unlocks the door for him.
PRINCE I’m very superstitious as of late
And to stay in nine-eleven’s tempting Fate.
COLETTE At least you haven’t had to travel far.
Have you taken anything from your minibar?
PRINCE No, but will you tell the bellboy on this floor
The water sports will now be nine-one-four.
The PRINCE closes the door to room 914. COLETTE heads up the corridor.
COLETTE What water sports? We haven’t got a pool.
The door to room 915 opens and MR GREEN appears.
MR GREEN Excuse me, I’m missing a plug for my bath.
COLETTE It’s not electric, sir – that would be dangerous.
MR GREEN To keep the water in!
COLETTE Oh, that kind of plug! I’ll try and find you one, Mr …?
MR GREEN Green.
COLETTE turns and heads back down the corridor, leaving MR GREEN alone.
MR GREEN Poor girl. She does not know the reason why
I need a bath plug urgently. For that
Which stops the water seeping out will stop
Also what little life I have in me.
When these blue rivers in my wrist do run
And mingle with the cheap bath salts and soap,
Then will my guilt drain out with them to sea.
And will my children mourn? I can but hope.
My boys, my twins, were given up at birth.
Their mother died and I was still in jail.
One stayed in England, one was sent abroad
I know not what became of either one.
So tonight I will put me to my sword;
But for a bath plug, then ’tis quickly done.
MR GREEN closes his door just as GUS rounds the corner with a new key card.
GUS I have the new card here, Amber! She’s gone …
Perhaps she is inside, or has she flown?
GUS tries the key card. It still doesn’t work.
GUS These sodding key cards never bloody work
I must have held it near my mobile phone.
FRED appears and uses his pass key to open room 917.
FRED Colette, my dainty duckling, is going to meet me here for a bit of ‘how’s-yer-dead-father’. I’ll leave it on the latch – well, the key cards can’t be trusted.
FRED sees GUS trying his key card again.
FRED Ah, sir, may we speak plainly once again?
GUS Of course.
FRED You’re barking up the wrong tree. Your room is down here, nine-one-one.
FRED takes GUS’s arm and leads him to room 911.
GUS Oh, I see. That’ll be why the card refused to work.
FRED uses his pass key to open the door.
FRED Your ‘room service’ is on its way.
GUS Oh, good. Bring it straight up, would you? And be discreet.
FRED Naturally.
FRED lingers, waiting for another tip.
FRED Anything else I can help you with, sir?
GUS No, thank you. Oh …
GUS reaches into his pocket and hands a 20p coin to FRED.
FRED Very kind, sir. (To audience) From fifty pounds to twenty pence. What did I do wrong?
FRED pockets the money and exits. GUS calls into the room.
GUS Amber?
No reply. GUS addresses the audience.
GUS She’s not yet here; my plan is now afoot.
I have arranged for an apple tart to be
Brought to our room. But unbeknownst to Amber,
A ring is baked within. And when she takes
Her first big bite of that confectionery
‘I do’, I hope, she’ll say, and merrily, we’ll marry!
GUS closes the door to 911.
The door to room 918 opens and ALICE emerges, now in her nightdress. She wanders down the corridor and knocks on the door to room 914. The PRINCE opens the door, now in his towelling robe.
ALICE I need a wee.
PRINCE Be quiet, have some tact!
We must discuss the tariff for this act.
ALICE I have to pay?
PRINCE No, madam – I pay you.
A thousand pounds?
ALICE And how much for a poo?
PRINCE So, were you once a redhead?
ALICE Oh, behave!
PRINCE (aside) I said mature, not dug up from the grave. (To ALICE)
Will you do bondage?
ALICE Yes, there’s every chance.
I did a course at St John’s Ambulance.
PRINCE I’m glad that you are keen, that’s good to know.
Just tie me up, and you can let it flow.
ALICE enters the room. Just then, the door to 913 opens opposite, and AMBER appears. She stares at the PRINCE, mistaking him for GUS.
AMBER You know I’m staying in here tonight?
PRINCE OK.
AMBER I need some space.
PRINCE I care not what you do.
AMBER You really are a pig.
PRINCE What’s that?
ALICE appears.
ALICE Who’s this?
PRINCE Go back to bed and I will join you soon.
ALICE goes back into the room. AMBER marches over and slaps the PRINCE in the face. She then goes back to room 913 and slams the door.
The PRINCE is nonplussed and closes the door.
The door to room 912 opens and HENRY appears. He is holding his knife. He checks that no one else is in the corridor, then emerges from his room.
HENRY No longer in the shadows can I lurk.
’Tis time for me t’attend my grizzly work.
HENRY is about to put the key card into the door of room 911, but he stops himself.
HENRY But wait …
If I am to be blameless of this deed
Then must I have an alibi as fact.
I did just watch the hypnotist downstairs!
He really did a very funny act …
HENRY is about to put the key card in, but stops again.
HENRY But wait …
What if I could be the hero of the hour
As if I fought to save the prince’s life?
I’ll cut my face to illustrate my lie
But what if I go too deep with the knife?
HENRY hesitates, then girds his loins.
HENRY Come, Henry, stop equivocating, act!
The time for dilly-dallying has gone.
Just raise your hand and stab his bleeding heart …
HENRY raises the hand in which he holds the knife. He notices the small microphone in his cuff.
HENRY I hope I didn’t leave the talk-back on …
HENRY taps the microphone.
HENRY Hello? Hello?
HENRY is satisfied that the microphone is off.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
The lift doors open and out steps TRACEY, a red-headed prostitute.
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR. DAY.
TRACEY walks down the corridor. She passes door 915 and MR GREEN pops his head out.
MR GREEN Excuse me, miss! Do you have my plug?
TRACEY I do have a plug, but probably not the kind you mean.
MR GREEN goes back into his room. TRACEY approaches HENRY outside 911. HENRY conceals his knife.
TRACEY Are you the gentleman from nine-one-one, a Mr Brown?
HENRY I’m Mr Brown’s security advisor, what mean you with him?
TRACEY He’s ordered some ‘executive relief’, the details of which are not for you to know. Suffice to say he is the executive …
HENRY And you are the relief.
TRACEY Well, I’ll certainly be relieving myself. Now, let me in, please. I’ve got another slot to fill at ten.
HENRY is about to knock on the door when he has a thought.
HENRY May I ask your name?
TRACEY Tracey, but people call me Red.
TRACEY indicates her red hair.
HENRY Well then, Little Red, how would you like to increase your fee tonight threefold?
TRACEY You’ve pricked my interest; what did you have in mind?
HENRY My master has a meeting in the morn of great import, and
I don’t want him up all night …
TRACEY Neither do I, believe me.
HENRY After you and he have done the deed, he most like will imbibe a glass of wine. Into his cup this tincture pour …
HENRY produces a small phial of liquid and hands it to TRACEY.
HENRY ’Tis a sedative to help him sleep.
TRACEY Oh, fine! I thought you were after a spit-roast.
HENRY No, I’ve ordered room service.
HENRY knocks on the door to room 911. GUS answers. GUS is now in a towelling robe. TRACEY waits to one side.
HENRY Good evening, sir. I trust that all is well?
GUS Oh yes, thank you, the room is very nice.
HENRY I hear you ordered a tart this evening?
GUS I did.
Has it arrived?
HENRY Just now.
GUS Then bring it in.
GUS disappears into the room. HENRY gestures for TRACEY to enter. She closes the door behind her.
HENRY Thus when the prince in deepest slumber lays
Then will I strike, and so avoid his gaze.
Better he dies still thinking me a friend;
This wench has helped me bring about his end.
HENRY goes back to room 912 and shuts the door. The door to room 918 opens and ROBERT appears in a T-shirt and boxers.
ROBERT Mother! Mother! She’s vanished from the room.
Two minutes in the shower and she’s gone!
I thought Emmerdale and Corrie was enough
To keep her happy, but she’s done a bunk.
ROBERT knocks on MR GREEN’s door. MR GREEN opens the door. He is holding a curtain rope that has been tied into a noose.
ROBERT I’m sorry to disturb you once again.
You haven’t got my mother in there?
MR GREEN No!
Why can’t you people just leave me in peace?
Can you not see that I’m tied up right now?
MR GREEN slams the door. ROBERT moves to the lift area.
ROBERT God knows what goes on behind these closed doors
‘Don’t ask, don’t tell,’ as mother always says …
INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR, LIFT AREA. DAY.
ROBERT presses the button for the lift.
ROBERT I’d better find her quick before she falls.
I’ll try the hypnotism show downstairs.
ROBERT steps into the left-hand lift and the doors close, just as the doors open on the right-hand lift. COLETTE and VINCE step out. VINCE is a pompous stage hypnotist. He wears a shimmery shirt and a small theatrical cape. COLETTE pushes a food trolley that bears a silver-domed plate.
COLETTE I saw you your hypnotism show downstairs. It was really good.
VINCE Thank you, child. I was exceptional tonight, though I say so myself. ’Tis a potent combination of Neuro-Linguistic Programming and my persuasive vocal technique.
COLETTE Yes. I liked it when they had to do the Birdie Dance every time you shouted ‘spaghetti bolognese’.
VINCE Aye, well … ’tis important to entertain as well as educate. One sometimes has to paint in primary colours.
COLETTE This is your room: nine-one-six.
VINCE Thank you, child. I’ll take a glass of vino, when you’re ready.
COLETTE Of course. And the lady I was telling you about is there in nine-one-three.
VINCE Ah, yes. Unhappy in love, you say?
COLETTE She seems to be, but then I heard her boyfriend ordered this …
COLETTE lifts the dome to reveal an apple tart.
COLETTE It has an engagement ring inside.
VINCE How very tacky.
COLETTE She just needs a little persuasion, is that something you can do?
VINCE My child, I’ve hypnotised smokers to stop smoking and fatties to stop eating. I’m sure I can use my skills to make true love bloom again.
COLETTE It would be nice to have a happy ending, for I fear I am partly to blame. Come, I’ll show you to her …
COLETTE leaves the trolley outside room 916. They cross to room 913 and AMBER answers the door. She has been crying.
AMBER Yes?
COLETTE Excuse me, Amber, this is Vince De Tranz,
He is the hypnotist at Zanzibar.
VINCE I once regressed a lady through past lives.
Turned out she was a maid of Cleopatra.
AMBER And what on earth has that to do with me?
COLETTE If we could come in for a moment, you will see.
AMBER lets VINCE and COLETTE into room 913.
The door to room 914 opens and ALICE emerges with the PRINCE. He hands her £1,000 in £50 notes.
PRINCE Here, madam, and I thank you for your pains.
ALICE I’m not sure what just happened, but thanks, mister.
PRINCE Would you ever consider girl-on-girl?
ALICE I did once share a bunk bed with my sister.
The PRINCE smiles and closes the door to room 914. ALICE wanders off up the corridor.
ALICE Now, I know my door begins with number nine …
ALICE tries the doors to room 913, then room 915, before finding the door to room 917 ajar.
ALICE Ah, this one’s open, guess it must be mine.
ALICE disappears into room 917.
The door to room 911 opens and GUS storms out, closely followed by TRACEY. GUS is dripping wet. TRACEY holds a glass of wine.
GUS Madam, what mean you by this? Like a scalded she-cat you have sprayed me!
TRACEY Why else are you paying me?
GUS Pay you? Pay you? You have just done me the most disgraceful wrong! I will see that you are sorely punished.
TRACEY Fine, but that will cost you extra. Now come, sirrah, and take a stoop of wine …
GUS Madam, I have had quite enough of your … fluids. I’ll take no more.
FRED appears.
FRED What seems to be the issue here, sir?
GUS Her issue is my issue! This harlot, this creature, this red-headed whore …
FRED Yes?
GUS Has just – I can scarce get out the words – has just used me as a privy!
FRED Excellent! And I trust it all went swimmingly?
TRACEY He refuses now to pay.
FRED Oh, I must insist you pay the lady, sir, otherwise she is wont to stay and make a fuss. And while we’re on it, perhaps you could supply the other half of this …
FRED shows his half £50 note.
GUS Have I gone mad? Has the world turned upside down? I am assaulted on all sides and then asked to pay for the pleasure!
TRACEY That’s the idea.
FRED Is this some kind of role play?
TRACEY Pay me my money!
GUS I will not!
GUS goes back into room 911 and slams the door.
MR GREEN pokes his head out of room 915. He now has the noose around his neck.
MR GREEN Will you please be quiet! You keep me from my work.
He goes back in and slams the door. FRED takes TRACEY’s arm and drags her up the corridor.
FRED Look, Red, you wait up here awhile and I will soothe his ire.
TRACEY I’m hungry and you promised me a meal!
FRED grabs the plate of leftovers from outside room 915.
FRED Here, take these leftovers and …
TRACEY Leftovers!
FRED All right, look …
FRED lifts the dome from the plate outside room 916 and sees the apple tart.
FRED Have this, hasn’t been touched.
TRACEY puts down the drugged wine and takes the tart. FRED puts the plate of leftovers on the trolley, covering it with the dome.
FRED Give me but two minutes, I prithee …
FRED and TRACEY disappear into room 917.
The door to room 913 opens and VINCE and COLETTE emerge.
VINCE Now child, the ritual is complete. She is in a trance-like state, and when you bring her boyfriend to her door, she will look upon him with new-found ardour and passionately embrace him.
COLETTE Thank you, Vince. Cupid himself could not have aimed more true. I’ll fetch him right away.
COLETTE goes to room 914 and knocks on the door.
VINCE takes the glass of wine from the trolley and opens the door to room 916.
VINCE Ah, perfect!
VINCE starts to sip from the wine as he enters his room.
COLETTE knocks on the door of room 914. The PRINCE answers.
COLETTE Hello, kind sir, I am Colette, the maid.
I’m on an errand, if you would be led.
COLETTE takes the PRINCE’s hand.
PRINCE Ah, good, the maid, you must have read my mind.
There’s been a little spillage on the bed.
The PRINCE pulls COLETTE into the room.
COLETTE But sir, I …
The door to room 914 closes.
The door to room 917 opens and FRED emerges with ALICE.
FRED No, Mrs Hargreaves, you’re in here – nine-one-eight.
ALICE Are you my son? I had him with me, but he’s forever wandering off …
FRED lets ALICE into room 918 and the door closes, just as ROBERT emerges from the lift area.
ROBERT I have searched every floor from one to eight
Of my mother, alas, there is no sign.
I never should have let her from my sight.
I pray that someone’s seen her here tonight …
ROBERT knocks on the door to room 913 and AMBER answers.
ROBERT Hello …
AMBER is love-struck immediately. She stares at ROBERT.
AMBER What angel is this knocks upon my door?
ROBERT Sorry?
AMBER My heart has burst and overflows with joy.
A vision of such beauty and rare poise.
ROBERT I did do ballet lessons as a boy.
AMBER advances on ROBERT and strokes his face.
AMBER Thine eyes are pools wherein I see my soul
Thy apple cheeks as soft as new-fall’n snow …
ROBERT What you doin
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Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 4-6
Steve Pemberton
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