Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 1-3
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Synopsis
'The joy of these scripts is in being able to appreciate the craft and ambition involved in the sharpness of the dialogue, the cunning of the plotting, and the desire never to repeat themselves, as Pemberton and Shearsmith build each episode into a miniaturist treasure. A must for anyone who wants to write for television, or who just wants to see how the magic is done.' - NEIL GAIMAN Take a further peek behind the door marked 'number 9' as the scripts from series 1-3 are collected here for the first time. An anthology of darkly comic twisted tales by Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith, read how each 30-minute self-contained story with new characters and new settings, sprang to life from the page. Each series is prefaced by a foreword from the show creators, giving readers and fans behind-the-scenes insight to this creative phenomenon. It is a beautifully written series, some stories comic, some tragic, all highly original and inventive. As well as Steve and Reece, it has featured guest appearances from a plethora well-known actors including Jack Whitehall, Peter Kay, Sheridan Smith, Gemma Arterton, Keeley Hawes, Alison Steadman, Conleth Hill, and David Morrissey. Relive the show's every enjoyable moment down to the stage directions with Inside No. 9: The Scripts: Series 1-3.
Release date: November 12, 2020
Publisher: Hodder & Stoughton
Print pages: 416
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Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 1-3
Steve Pemberton
——Why didn’t you just do the lie about the babysitter getting ill?
——Because that needs to be seeded. You need to seed it.
‘Sardines’
It was 7 September 2011 and we were sitting in the office of Janice Hadlow, then controller of BBC Two. The meeting, set up by our long-term executive producer Jon Plowman, had been scheduled to consider the fate of our previous show, but with disappointing viewing figures we guessed that the writing was on the wall for Psychoville (scrawled in big letters using human excrement).
We hastily discussed what new idea we could pitch in the meeting. Having written a self-contained episode for the first series of Psychoville, we idly wondered whether the time was right to resurrect the unfashionable single-play anthology series. Tales of the Unexpected and Play for Today were mentioned as well as genre shows such as Thriller and Hammer House of Horror. Using a small cast in a single location, we wanted to tell stories that offered a beginning, middle and end in one sitting, as opposed to the sprawling narrative arcs of the prevailing box-set culture.
We wrote the first pair of episodes early the following year, basing one on a play we had written several years earlier (‘Tom & Gerri’) and another on the classic family-celebration-goes-wrong scenario (‘Nana’s Party’). At this stage there was no overriding theme or connectivity between the episodes, and the series was tentatively titled Happy Endings. Luckily everyone at the BBC enjoyed the scripts and they offered to commission two series, one as an anthology and the other as a sitcom based on the ‘Nana’s Party’ characters. We demurred, preferring to focus on the single-play idea, and in the summer of 2012 Happy Endings was commissioned.
The first series was written in fits and starts between other filming commitments. ‘Silent Assassins’ (later to become ‘A Quiet Night In’) was written entirely without dialogue; ‘Last Gasp’ and ‘The Harrowing’ were largely written separately then rewritten together when time allowed. An idea was introduced to link the episodes by using a common door number: No. 5. Worried that Coco Chanel already had first dibs on that digit, we switched this to the more alliterative No. 9. At the request of the BBC, the ‘Inside’ was added to help people understand the concept – an idea we resisted, as ‘Inside No. 9’ sounded like a political docu-series about the chief whip’s office. We offered up ‘Death’s Door’ or ‘Play Dead’, ‘No. 9 Nightmare’ or ‘A Can of Worms’ but to no avail.
The scripts were written in an office we had rented from a friend in Muswell Hill. A large wardrobe loomed behind us as we worked, and we wondered whether it might be fun to pack it with a family playing the children’s party game Sardines. We made a list of potential characters and started to write, adding a new person every two or three pages. The story ended with the wardrobe full and the realisation that nobody else was looking for them. It was a funny conceit and we were pleased with the idea, but Jon Plowman felt that there was something lacking: a dark heart. The subsequent rewrite, subtly hinting at a devastating secret and ending with a chilling revelation, was possibly the moment when Inside No. 9 really cemented itself in our minds as a thing rather than a disparate collection of individual plays.
One note: the versions included here are the shooting scripts, the final drafts issued to the cast and crew prior to the first day’s filming. There will be bits of extra material that were filmed and subsequently cut in the editing stage as we struggled to make the episodes fit into the 29-minute slot. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them.
CAST LIST
REBECCA – Katherine Parkinson
IAN – Tim Key
LEE – Luke Pasqualino
CARL – Steve Pemberton
STU – Reece Shearsmith
RACHEL – Ophelia Lovibond
GERALDINE – Anne Reid
MARK – Julian Rhind-Tutt
ELIZABETH – Anna Chancellor
JOHN – Marc Wootton
JEREMY – Ben Willbond
ANDREW – Timothy West
EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE. DAY.
A large old house set in rolling English countryside. A number of cars are parked outside. We pull back and see the large wrought-iron gates, which show the number ‘9’.
TITLE: ‘Sardines’.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
A double bedroom in a large house in the country. It is a guest bedroom so devoid of any personal belongings, rather like a hotel room. REBECCA, a smartly dressed woman in her mid-thirties, runs into the room. She looks around thoughtfully before heading into the en-suite bathroom.
INT. EN-SUITE. DAY.
REBECCA draws back the shower curtain but there is nobody there. She stops at the sink, picks up the big block of carbolic soap and smells it. She smiles to herself wistfully.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
REBECCA re-enters the bedroom and looks under the bed: nothing there apart from a couple of old suitcases. REBECCA gets up and looks at the large old wooden wardrobe. She sees herself in the mirrored door, then reaches for the handle and pulls the door open … IAN is standing in the middle of the wardrobe. He is a socially awkward bespectacled IT consultant in a shirt and tie.
IAN Oh, hello.
REBECCA Hello!
IAN That was quick.
REBECCA Well, obviously I know the house, so …
IAN You have an …
IAN/REBECCA … unfair advantage.
REBECCA Yes!
REBECCA gets into the wardrobe with IAN and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
The wardrobe is fairly empty, save for a couple of boxes of Christmas decorations and some outdoor coats hung up at one end. REBECCA stands next to IAN.
IAN We weren’t properly introduced – I’m Ian by the way.
REBECCA Hello.
They shake hands.
IAN It’s Rachel, isn’t it?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN That’s right. I work with Jeremy.
REBECCA Oh!
IAN Well, I say ‘work with’, I’m more on the IT side but with Jeremy being the office manager we obviously have overlaps. He’s responsible for infrastructure whereas I take more of a lead in programme development …
REBECCA Right, right. What did you say your name was again?
IAN Ian.
REBECCA That’s right, yes. Jeremy has mentioned you.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
LEE, a good-looking lad in a trendy T-shirt and jeans, enters the room and looks around. He sips from a glass of champagne. He is listening to Ibiza-style club music on his mobile phone and we can hear the beat through the earphones. Occasionally he hums along with the tune, unaware of how loud he’s being. LEE saunters around the room, pops his head into the bathroom, bounces a couple of times on the bed, then leaves the room again.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
REBECCA and IAN hear LEE depart.
IAN Who was that, I wonder?
REBECCA Don’t know!
IAN Could be a long game!
REBECCA Yes!
Silence.
IAN So how does it feel to be engaged, Rachel?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN Rebecca, sorry. Have you set a date yet …?
REBECCA Ninth of November.
IAN Oh, 9-11. You won’t forget that in a hurry, will you?
REBECCA No. I hadn’t thought of it that way to be honest …
IAN You have to think these things through. My parents christened me Richard Ian Percival, would you believe! Do you get it? R.I.P.
REBECCA R.I.P. Yes, that’s … morbid.
IAN Hmm. That’s why they swapped it to Ian Richard.
REBECCA What about the Percival?
IAN It was quietly dropped.
Suddenly the wardrobe door opens and CARL is standing in front of them. CARL is REBECCA’s brother. He wears a smart suit and has a dry sense of humour.
CARL Boo.
REBECCA Oh Carl, get in quick.
CARL I heard you talking. Why are you hiding in here?
REBECCA I didn’t choose it, did I?
IAN Guilty as charged!
REBECCA Have you met Ian?
CARL No, I don’t believe I’ve had that pleasure. Carl – I’m Rebecca’s brother.
IAN Ah, so you two’ll know all the nooks and crannies of the house then!
CARL Oh yes. I’ve spent most of my Christmases hiding in various cupboards waiting for my bossy little sister to find me. You never could though, could you?
REBECCA Get in!
CARL steps into the wardrobe and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
CARL stands next to REBECCA.
REBECCA Is Daddy playing?
CARL He said he would. He’s out showing Mark and Elizabeth the stables.
REBECCA He can do that afterwards; we’re meant to be playing the game!
CARL All right, keep your voice down or you’ll give us all away.
IAN (jokily) Yeah, chill out, bitch!
Silence. REBECCA and CARL are stunned.
IAN (cont’d) Sorry, that was misjudged.
CARL Actually it was quite funny. She is a bit of a bitch, aren’t you, Becks?
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
The bedroom door opens and STU enters, flamboyantly dressed, camp, forties. He is carrying a glass and a bottle of champagne.
STU Lollipops, come and get your lollipops! Where are all the children hiding?
STU looks around the room.
STU (cont’d) Now then … if I were to secrete myself in this room, where would I go? Not behind those curtains – they’re a migraine waiting to happen. Hanging round the toilet perhaps – it has been known. Or would I enjoy spending time … in the closet!
STU opens the wardrobe door to find CARL, REBECCA and IAN.
STU (cont’d) Oh! Not interrupting anything, am I?
REBECCA Come on!
STU steps in the wardrobe and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
STU joins CARL, REBECCA and IAN.
STU Oh it’s like the back room of Cinderella’s in Wakefield. Anyone got any poppers or lube?
CARL (a warning) Stuart.
IAN You two know each other, do you?
CARL Unfortunately, yes.
REBECCA They’re partners.
IAN Oh. In what line?
STU It used to be straight up and down but not any more.
IAN Oh. I’m in IT.
STU Congratulations. I’m in SH-IT cos I got in late last night, didn’t I?
CARL Stuart, you can do what you like, it doesn’t bother me.
IAN Oh I see, so you’re … living-together partners?
STU Yes, we’re queer, dear, get used to it.
CARL That’s it, I can’t stay in here …
CARL opens the wardrobe door.
REBECCA Stuart, behave! This party’s not about you, it’s about me and Jeremy, so butt out! Carl, please.
CARL closes the wardrobe door again. STU looks at REBECCA.
STU You’re much prettier when you’re angry. (To CARL) So are you. Anyway, changing the subject slightly, I’m not being rude but there’s a man downstairs who absolutely stinks.
REBECCA Yes, that’s Stinky John.
STU What is it? Is it his clothes, his breath …?
REBECCA I don’t know. He was at school with us, wasn’t he, Carl?
CARL Yes, but that was when he was just John, not Stinky John.
REBECCA Something must have happened to him; he just stopped washing one day. Maybe we should trace it back?
CARL Yes. Maybe we should. ‘Who Do You Stink You Are?’
STU And who are all the other people? Who’s the really boring one? rebecca coughs and stu remembers ian is with them.
STU (cont’d) Oh yes, and what about the old woman that’s wandering round?
REBECCA Oh God, that’s Geraldine. She’s Daddy’s cleaner. I asked her to come and serve drinks but she thinks she’s a guest.
STU Oh that’s hilair. You’ve got to tell her.
REBECCA I can’t now, she’s all dressed up.
STU Dressed up? She looks like ‘Feed the Birds’.
IAN We have a sandwich guy at work and he wears a – like a yellow T-shirt thing, like a jersey but made from T-shirt material, and the girls all call him Mustard Mike!
Silence.
STU Well, thank God I brought champagne. Who wants a swig?
STU drinks from his glass of champagne.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
RACHEL, a pretty but dumb girl in her thirties, runs into the room. She looks around, goes over to the bedside cabinet and looks inside. Unsurprisingly there is nobody hiding there. RACHEL looks around the room, then goes over to the wardrobe and flings the door open to reveal STU, CARL, REBECCA and IAN. RACHEL calls out:
RACHEL Found them! They’re in here!
REBECCA Ssssshhhh!
RACHEL That’s it, isn’t it? I’ve won!
REBECCA No, you’ve got to hide as well.
RACHEL Oh, OK …
RACHEL hurries over to the window.
REBECCA No, in here, with us.
RACHEL Oh. There’s not much space.
CARL That’s why it’s fun apparently.
RACHEL But I’m a little bit claustrophobic.
CARL Then it’s even more fun.
REBECCA Quick, before someone sees you.
REBECCA pulls RACHEL into the wardrobe and closes the door.
REBECCA (V.O.) (cont’d) Could you just move back a bit, Ian. Have you got space?
IAN (V.O.) Er, yes, I’ve just got a Christmas tree sticking in my bottom.
STU (V.O.) (sings) ‘Memories …’
REBECCA (V.O.) Ssshhhh!
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
RACHEL is huddled in the wardrobe between ian and REBECCA. She whispers:
RACHEL So what happens now?
REBECCA We wait for the others to find us.
RACHEL So how do you win?
REBECCA Nobody wins, you just wait.
RACHEL Oh. Right. So when does the game start?
REBECCA This is the game, Rachel, we’re playing it.
IAN Oh – so you’re Rachel.
RACHEL Yes, hello!
IAN I’ve been calling Rebecca ‘Rachel’, haven’t I?
REBECCA Yes.
IAN I think I got you mixed up because Jeremy talks about you all the time.
RACHEL Does he?
REBECCA Does he?
IAN Yes.
REBECCA Who were you talking to?
IAN Erm, which one are you?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN Yes.
An awkward silence.
STU I spy with my little eye something beginning with WD.
CARL Wardrobe door?
STU Correct. Oh I haven’t seen this much wood since …
CARL Don’t!
STU pokes his tongue out at CARL.
REBECCA (to IAN) So what does Jeremy say about me?
IAN Sorry?
REBECCA At work. You said he talks about me.
IAN Oh just nice things. The usual boring girlfriend stuff …
REBECCA Boring girlfriend?
IAN Not that you’re boring but what he said about you was …
REBECCA Boring.
IAN Yes.
REBECCA Well, coming from you, Ian, that’s quite something. Thank you.
IAN You’re welcome.
RACHEL Is anyone else hot in here? Can we just open the door a crack, I need to get some air …
CARL Wait ’til Stinky John gets here, you’ll need more than a crack.
RACHEL Is Stinky John playing?
REBECCA Everybody’s playing, it’s Sardines.
RACHEL I might not be able to stay here if he gets in. I do get a bit …
RACHEL fans herself.
STU Don’t worry, dear, me and you’ll nip through to Narnia, have a snowball fight and get some Turkish Delight.
RACHEL opens the door to get some air. She steps out.
RACHEL I’m sorry, I need to breathe …
REBECCA No – you’re not allowed!
CARL She’s allowed to breathe.
REBECCA I’d rather she didn’t …
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
RACHEL is in the bedroom.
IAN I wouldn’t mind stretching my legs actually. Been here a while …
IAN steps out of the wardrobe.
REBECCA What? Oh this is ridiculous!
STU Well, I’m going to have a pee break then. All that champagne has gone straight through me.
REBECCA Well, don’t flush it!
STU Don’t worry, I won’t. You know my motto: ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.’
STU gets out and nips across to the en-suite. He opens the door to find GERALDINE sitting on the toilet.
GERALDINE Hang on! Occupied!
STU slams the door shut.
STU Sorry! Well, that’s something I’ll never unsee.
REBECCA Who is it?
STU ‘Feed the Birds.’
REBECCA Geraldine?
IAN Shouldn’t she be using the staff toilets?
The toilet flushes and we hear the tap running. REBECCA sees that CARL is looking very preoccupied.
REBECCA Are you OK? What’s the matter with you?
CARL (acidly) What do you think, Rebecca? Look where we are.
GERALDINE emerges from the en-suite. She is in her seventies and wears her best dress and hat, also seventies.
GERALDINE There you go, lovey. It doesn’t have a lock, it’s an ‘onsweetie’.
STU Well, at least you’ve warmed the seat for me.
RACHEL Thought it was just a pee break?
STU It is. Ladies sit.
STU enters the en-suite and shuts the door.
GERALDINE I heard you all talking in there, but I didn’t want to disturb you. (To RACHEL) Hello, lovey.
RACHEL Hello!
GERALDINE That’s a bonny dress.
RACHEL Thank you.
GERALDINE My hip went that colour when I fell up some steps at Legoland.
RACHEL I was just getting some air. I’m a bit claustrophobic.
GERALDINE Oh dear. Is that where you can’t bear to touch a snake?
From inside the bathroom, stu pipes up:
STU (V.O.) You’ve got that, haven’t you, Carl?
CARL I’d hardly call it a snake, Stuart. More of a scaly lizard.
STU (V.O.) I heard that!
CARL Good.
IAN Right, shall we, er, assume the position?
IAN goes to get back into the wardrobe. REBECCA turns to CARL.
REBECCA It’s just a game.
CARL looks away. RACHEL gets back in, followed by GERALDINE. They close the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
IAN, RACHEL, GERALDINE, REBECCA and CARL are now in the wardrobe.
GERALDINE Room for a little ’un?
IAN Yes, it’s like the Time and Relative Dimension In Space! TARDIS …
Nobody responds.
GERALDINE So, Rachel, tell me again how you know Jeremy?
There is an awkward pause.
RACHEL Erm …
REBECCA Rachel is Jeremy’s ex, Geraldine.
GERALDINE That’s it. I knew it was something I wasn’t supposed to mention.
RACHEL We’re just mates now. Text buddies. He BBMs me every now and again at weekends.
GERALDINE Oh lovely.
REBECCA Yes, he BBMs me a lot as well. We’re always BBMing.
CARL What it is to be young.
Silence.
GERALDINE It’s been ages since I’ve been in this room. Your dad usually keeps it locked up. You know, after …
REBECCA We’re not going down that road, Geraldine. It’s a party, remember?
GERALDINE Oh yes!
GERALDINE sings lyrics from the song ‘Why Am I Always the Bridesmaid?’.
During this, RACHEL smiles at REBECCA, who smiles back thinly. REBECCA tries to take CARL’s hand but he removes it. STU opens the wardrobe door and steps back in.
STU Right I’m coming in, nobody fart.
STU closes the wardrobe door. STU places his fingers under carl’s nose.
STU (cont’d) Smell that. Carbolic. We should get some for our ‘on-sweetie’.
GERALDINE Well, this is fun, isn’t it?
REBECCA Thank you, Geraldine, yes, it is. Fun.
GERALDINE Do you have a girlfriend, Ian?
IAN Er – no. Young, free and single at the moment. It’s fine, you get used to it. I’ve not been a monk, I’ve had some experiences … but no. Pretty barren at the moment. A pretty arid patch.
GERALDINE We’ll have to get you fixed up. Do you like him, Rachel?
RACHEL (too quickly) No. I mean, no, I’ve got a boyfriend. Did you meet Lee downstairs?
GERALDINE Yes, he gave me his jacket and asked me to get him a drink.
REBECCA He’s only young.
STU How young? Is he legal?
RACHEL He’s 21.
GERALDINE Toy boy!
STU Well, you know what they say. ‘If there’s grass on the wicket, let play commence!’
CARL Oh for fuck’s sake, Stuart, give it a rest!
STU What’s got into you?
CARL Can’t you just talk like a normal human being for five minutes?
Suddenly they hear a noise in the bedroom. REBECCA shushes everyone. REBECCA peeps through a crack in the wardrobe door to see ELIZABETH come into the room and look around. ELIZABETH whispers loudly:
ELIZABETH Mark! In here.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
MARK enters the bedroom to join his wife ELIZABETH. Both ELIZABETH and MARK are tall, elegant, well-dressed snobs.
ELIZABETH Have you got rid of him?
MARK Yes, he’s off looking for the others. God, I loathe playing other people’s family games, it’s such a bore.
ELIZABETH We’ve done long enough now. You said we’d be out by three.
MARK Well, why didn’t you just do the lie about the babysitter getting ill?
ELIZABETH Because that needs to be seeded. You need to seed it.
MARK You don’t need to seed it, you just say it. ‘Sorry, we’ve got to go now, the babysitter’s ill.’
ELIZABETH You’re so naïve Mark. What awful curtains.
MARK Anyway, the old man might be tedious but he’s our way in to Dickie Lawrence so we have to put a shift in.
ELIZABETH I thought you hated Dickie Lawrence.
MARK I do, he’s a first-class prick. But I need him to smooth over that merger next year. You know what they say: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’
ELIZABETH You’re such a horrible shit, Mark.
MARK That’s why you love me.
MARK grabs ELIZABETH and kisses her. The wardrobe door eases open a crack and we see REBECCA peeping out.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
Inside the wardrobe REBECCA can hear MARK and ELIZABETH and see bits of them through the crack in the door.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) Mark, stop it … no, not here …
MARK (V.O.) Come on. Just fingers.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) No!
RACHEL (whispers) Do you think we should say something?
REBECCA We’ve left it too late now.
RACHEL But what if they start …?
REBECCA I think they’ve already started.
GERALDINE But anyone could walk in on them.
STU That’s the thrill of it, Geraldine. Here, hold my glass, I’m going to film it.
STU gets out his mobile phone.
REBECCA No you’re not! Somebody make a noise.
IAN blows a little breath, hardly registering any sound.
REBECCA (cont’d) That was a bit too subtle, Ian.
GERALDINE cries out:
GERALDINE Geronimo!
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
MARK and ELIZABETH break from their embrace. ELIZABETH adjusts her clothes. MARK smooths his hair and goes to open the wardrobe. Six smiling faces look out at him.
REBECCA Oh! You found us, well done!
ELIZABETH What the hell …?
MARK remembers.
MARK Sardines.
IAN Hi, Mark! Welcome to the wardrobe!
MARK stares blankly.
IAN (cont’d) Ian. I work for you. In IT.
MARK Of course, hi.
REBECCA We’ve been hiding here for ages waiting for someone to find us and these doors are so thick, we didn’t hear anything, did we?
Assorted mumbles of ‘no, no’ from the others.
REBECCA (cont’d) Do you want to come in then, before Daddy finds us?
MARK Erm …
MARK looks to ELIZABETH.
ELIZABETH Yes. Though I am a bit worried about the babysitter, she did say she was feeling a bit under the weather …
CARL Oh, well seeded.
MARK We’ll be all right for a few minutes, won’t we?
MARK raises an eyebrow at ELIZABETH. It’s an order – we have to do this. She gives him a hard look, then:
ELIZABETH Yes. Looks like a lot of fun.
ELIZABETH gingerly moves forward as if she’s going to walk into a pig sty. She braces herself and steps into the wardrobe.
ELIZABETH (cont’d) Right. I’m coming in. Please mind the shoes everybody. Maybe I should take them off ?
MARK No, just get in, Liz. The sooner we start …
MARK and ELIZABETH step into the wardrobe.
MARK (cont’d) Stand there, next to Rachel.
REBECCA Rebecca!
MARK Sorry.
REBECCA It’s my engagement party and nobody seems to know my name!
MARK It’s just that Jeremy always …
REBECCA What?
IAN This one’s Rachel!
IAN points knowingly to RACHEL.
MARK Ah. Nice to meet you.
RACHEL Nice to meet you too.
LEE enters the room with an empty glass.
LEE There you all are! I’ve already been in here once!
RACHEL Lee! Come in, we’re having such a laugh.
LEE Can’t believe I didn’t check in the fucking wardrobe, what a knob! I thought I heard someone shouting.
GERALDINE That was me, I said ‘Geronimo’ – don’t ask me why.
RACHEL Have you met everyone, Lee? This is Ian, who works with Mark.
IAN pops his head round the corner.
MARK For Mark actually. I own the company.
LEE Oh right. If you ever need any roofing doing …
RACHEL You know Rebecca, obviously. This is Mark’s wife, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH Hello.
LEE You all right, darling? You look like you’re crying.
ELIZABETH It’s just a bit dusty in here, that’s all.
RACHEL This is Rebecca’s brother Carl, and Stuart, who’s his …
CARL Flatmate. Pleased to meet you.
STU Flatmate?
LEE All right.
RACHEL And this is Geraldine.
LEE Yeah, I know. I wouldn’t mind a little top-up, if you don’t mind.
LEE proffers his empty champagne glass to GERALDINE.
GERALDINE Pardon?
LEE A little cheeky champers, there’s a good girl.
GERALDINE Why do you keep asking me?
LEE Rebecca said you were serving drinks.
REBECCA No …
GERALDINE No, I’m a guest! He’s got his wires crossed.
REBECCA Yes, we’re all guests here. All equal.
GERALDINE I used to be their Nanny, you know. I’ve known all three of them since they were so high.
RACHEL Three of them?
REBECCA Yes, we’ve got a sister, Caroline. She moved away.
GERALDINE Is she not coming, Becky? I’d love to see the boys again. They must be getting big now.
REBECCA No, they can’t make it. It’s a bit too far to travel.
GERALDINE Aaaahhh …
REBECCA and CARL exchange looks.
LEE I’ll go and get my own drink then.
LEE turns to go.
STU Here you go, I’ve got some contraband you can have, Lee …
STU pushes his way out of the wardrobe and approaches LEE with his champagne bottle.
STU (cont’d) Let’s form a splinter group under the bed.
REBECCA You can’t do that.
STU It’s all right, I’m sure my flatmate won’t mind.
STU looks back at CARL, then starts to drag LEE over to the bed.
LEE All right, but don’t try and bum me!
REBECCA I’m sorry, Stuart, but that’s against the rules.
STU Homophobic!
GERALDINE Oh you’ve got that, haven’t you, lovey?
RACHEL No, I’m claustrophobic.
ELIZABETH It is getting rather crowded in here.
IAN Yes, it’s almost like we’re a tin of sardines!
MARK Tell you what, Colin, why don’t you step out for a bit, make some room.
IAN climbs out of the wardrobe.
IAN It’s Ian …
MARK Sorry, Ian – you can go under the bed with those two.
LEE and stu are climbing under the bed.
STU No, sorry, private party.
REBECCA Look, you cannot play Sardines unless everyone is hiding in the same place together, that’s what makes it fun …
MARK closes the wardrobe door, leaving IAN on the outside. IAN looks around and heads into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. We stay on the empty room.
STU (V.O.) Oh yes, Lee, that’s nice, keep doing that, what big hands you’ve got, oh yes …
RACHEL (V.O.) Lee?
LEE (V.O.) I’m not doing anything!
CARL (V.O.) Leave him alone, Stuart.
STU (V.O.) Oh, what’s the matter, Carl, are you jealous?
CARL (V.O.) Piss off.
REBECCA (V.O.) Stop arguing, you two, this is ridiculous!
STU (V.O.) It’s not my fault that you’re afraid of intimacy, Carl!
CARL (V.O.) (emotionally) And it’s not my fault either! You’ve got no idea …
A moment of silence in the empty room. The door opens and in comes STINKY JOHN. He is overweight with long hair and wears an ill-fitting suit. He creeps into the room and looks around. STINKY JOHN approaches the wardrobe. He throws the wardrobe door open to reveal MARK, GERALDINE, RACHEL, REBECCA, ELIZABETH and CARL. They stare at him with looks of horror on their faces.
STINKY JOHN Ta-dah!
REBECCA John!
REBECCA instinctively puts her hand over her mouth.
STINKY JOHN Oh looks like I’m one of the last to join the party. Can I squeeze in?
He makes to step into the wardrobe.
RACHEL/REBECCA/ELIZABETH No!
REBECCA I just think it’s a bit too full.
STINKY JOHN No, there’s plenty of room …
STINKY JOHN tries to get in. They all bunch up to stop him.
ELIZABETH I feel sick.
MARK Breathe through your mouth.
CARL Actually, John – some people are hiding under the bed …
STU (V.O.) Oh no you don’t!
RACHEL Yes, we just thought, as I’m claustrophobic …
STINKY JOHN But that’s not the game, is it? You’re all meant to be squashed in together. That’s the rules.
REBECCA Yes, but we thought it doesn’t really matter about the rules. As long as we’re all in the same room it still counts.
STINKY JOHN All right, as you wish.
STINKY JOHN goes towards the bed and looks under it. STU’s face peeps out.
STU Actually, John, there really isn’t room under here. There’s suitcases and everything, isn’t that right, Lee?
LEE (V.O.) Yeah, it’s packed mate, sorry.
STINKY JOHN I don’t think I’d fit under there anyway to be honest, what with the old 26-pack.
He wobbles his gut.
STU Yeah, you’re far better off going with the wardrobe group.
STINKY JOHN All right, pillar to post! I’m back again!
STINKY JOHN heads back to the wardrobe but the door has been pulled to. stinky john tries to open it but encounters resistance.
STINKY JOHN (cont’d) Hang on. What’s going on here? Is it caught or something?
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
Inside the wardrobe everyone is trying to hold the door closed.
REBECCA It’s stuck, John. Maybe try going in the bathroom.
MARK First time for everything.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
STINKY JOHN can see through the crack in the wardrobe door.
STINKY JOHN I can see what it is. It’s fingers, someone’s holding it with their fingers.
RACHEL (V.O.) No, we’re trying to push it.
GERALDINE (V.O.) Oh let him in, poor lamb.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) You can’t! Mark tell them.
MARK (V.O.) Maybe try behind the curtains.
STU (V.O.) Yeah and open a window while you’re there, it’s getting a bit close.
STINKY JOHN shambles over to the window.
STINKY JOHN All right. Funniest game of Sardines I’ve ever played.
STINKY JOHN arranges himself behind a curtain at the window just as JEREMY enters the room. JEREMY is REBECCA’s fiancé, fairly handsome, well turned out, but a bit wet.
JEREMY Ah, John, have you seen Rebecca anywhere?
STINKY JOHN Argh, caught red-handed! She’s hiding in the wardrobe but you can’t get in, the door’s stuck apparently.
JEREMY Thanks.
STINKY JOHN And there’s two under the bed – it’s a shambles!
STINKY JOHN
——Because that needs to be seeded. You need to seed it.
‘Sardines’
It was 7 September 2011 and we were sitting in the office of Janice Hadlow, then controller of BBC Two. The meeting, set up by our long-term executive producer Jon Plowman, had been scheduled to consider the fate of our previous show, but with disappointing viewing figures we guessed that the writing was on the wall for Psychoville (scrawled in big letters using human excrement).
We hastily discussed what new idea we could pitch in the meeting. Having written a self-contained episode for the first series of Psychoville, we idly wondered whether the time was right to resurrect the unfashionable single-play anthology series. Tales of the Unexpected and Play for Today were mentioned as well as genre shows such as Thriller and Hammer House of Horror. Using a small cast in a single location, we wanted to tell stories that offered a beginning, middle and end in one sitting, as opposed to the sprawling narrative arcs of the prevailing box-set culture.
We wrote the first pair of episodes early the following year, basing one on a play we had written several years earlier (‘Tom & Gerri’) and another on the classic family-celebration-goes-wrong scenario (‘Nana’s Party’). At this stage there was no overriding theme or connectivity between the episodes, and the series was tentatively titled Happy Endings. Luckily everyone at the BBC enjoyed the scripts and they offered to commission two series, one as an anthology and the other as a sitcom based on the ‘Nana’s Party’ characters. We demurred, preferring to focus on the single-play idea, and in the summer of 2012 Happy Endings was commissioned.
The first series was written in fits and starts between other filming commitments. ‘Silent Assassins’ (later to become ‘A Quiet Night In’) was written entirely without dialogue; ‘Last Gasp’ and ‘The Harrowing’ were largely written separately then rewritten together when time allowed. An idea was introduced to link the episodes by using a common door number: No. 5. Worried that Coco Chanel already had first dibs on that digit, we switched this to the more alliterative No. 9. At the request of the BBC, the ‘Inside’ was added to help people understand the concept – an idea we resisted, as ‘Inside No. 9’ sounded like a political docu-series about the chief whip’s office. We offered up ‘Death’s Door’ or ‘Play Dead’, ‘No. 9 Nightmare’ or ‘A Can of Worms’ but to no avail.
The scripts were written in an office we had rented from a friend in Muswell Hill. A large wardrobe loomed behind us as we worked, and we wondered whether it might be fun to pack it with a family playing the children’s party game Sardines. We made a list of potential characters and started to write, adding a new person every two or three pages. The story ended with the wardrobe full and the realisation that nobody else was looking for them. It was a funny conceit and we were pleased with the idea, but Jon Plowman felt that there was something lacking: a dark heart. The subsequent rewrite, subtly hinting at a devastating secret and ending with a chilling revelation, was possibly the moment when Inside No. 9 really cemented itself in our minds as a thing rather than a disparate collection of individual plays.
One note: the versions included here are the shooting scripts, the final drafts issued to the cast and crew prior to the first day’s filming. There will be bits of extra material that were filmed and subsequently cut in the editing stage as we struggled to make the episodes fit into the 29-minute slot. We hope you enjoy reading them as much as we enjoyed writing them.
CAST LIST
REBECCA – Katherine Parkinson
IAN – Tim Key
LEE – Luke Pasqualino
CARL – Steve Pemberton
STU – Reece Shearsmith
RACHEL – Ophelia Lovibond
GERALDINE – Anne Reid
MARK – Julian Rhind-Tutt
ELIZABETH – Anna Chancellor
JOHN – Marc Wootton
JEREMY – Ben Willbond
ANDREW – Timothy West
EXT. COUNTRY HOUSE. DAY.
A large old house set in rolling English countryside. A number of cars are parked outside. We pull back and see the large wrought-iron gates, which show the number ‘9’.
TITLE: ‘Sardines’.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
A double bedroom in a large house in the country. It is a guest bedroom so devoid of any personal belongings, rather like a hotel room. REBECCA, a smartly dressed woman in her mid-thirties, runs into the room. She looks around thoughtfully before heading into the en-suite bathroom.
INT. EN-SUITE. DAY.
REBECCA draws back the shower curtain but there is nobody there. She stops at the sink, picks up the big block of carbolic soap and smells it. She smiles to herself wistfully.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
REBECCA re-enters the bedroom and looks under the bed: nothing there apart from a couple of old suitcases. REBECCA gets up and looks at the large old wooden wardrobe. She sees herself in the mirrored door, then reaches for the handle and pulls the door open … IAN is standing in the middle of the wardrobe. He is a socially awkward bespectacled IT consultant in a shirt and tie.
IAN Oh, hello.
REBECCA Hello!
IAN That was quick.
REBECCA Well, obviously I know the house, so …
IAN You have an …
IAN/REBECCA … unfair advantage.
REBECCA Yes!
REBECCA gets into the wardrobe with IAN and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
The wardrobe is fairly empty, save for a couple of boxes of Christmas decorations and some outdoor coats hung up at one end. REBECCA stands next to IAN.
IAN We weren’t properly introduced – I’m Ian by the way.
REBECCA Hello.
They shake hands.
IAN It’s Rachel, isn’t it?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN That’s right. I work with Jeremy.
REBECCA Oh!
IAN Well, I say ‘work with’, I’m more on the IT side but with Jeremy being the office manager we obviously have overlaps. He’s responsible for infrastructure whereas I take more of a lead in programme development …
REBECCA Right, right. What did you say your name was again?
IAN Ian.
REBECCA That’s right, yes. Jeremy has mentioned you.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
LEE, a good-looking lad in a trendy T-shirt and jeans, enters the room and looks around. He sips from a glass of champagne. He is listening to Ibiza-style club music on his mobile phone and we can hear the beat through the earphones. Occasionally he hums along with the tune, unaware of how loud he’s being. LEE saunters around the room, pops his head into the bathroom, bounces a couple of times on the bed, then leaves the room again.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
REBECCA and IAN hear LEE depart.
IAN Who was that, I wonder?
REBECCA Don’t know!
IAN Could be a long game!
REBECCA Yes!
Silence.
IAN So how does it feel to be engaged, Rachel?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN Rebecca, sorry. Have you set a date yet …?
REBECCA Ninth of November.
IAN Oh, 9-11. You won’t forget that in a hurry, will you?
REBECCA No. I hadn’t thought of it that way to be honest …
IAN You have to think these things through. My parents christened me Richard Ian Percival, would you believe! Do you get it? R.I.P.
REBECCA R.I.P. Yes, that’s … morbid.
IAN Hmm. That’s why they swapped it to Ian Richard.
REBECCA What about the Percival?
IAN It was quietly dropped.
Suddenly the wardrobe door opens and CARL is standing in front of them. CARL is REBECCA’s brother. He wears a smart suit and has a dry sense of humour.
CARL Boo.
REBECCA Oh Carl, get in quick.
CARL I heard you talking. Why are you hiding in here?
REBECCA I didn’t choose it, did I?
IAN Guilty as charged!
REBECCA Have you met Ian?
CARL No, I don’t believe I’ve had that pleasure. Carl – I’m Rebecca’s brother.
IAN Ah, so you two’ll know all the nooks and crannies of the house then!
CARL Oh yes. I’ve spent most of my Christmases hiding in various cupboards waiting for my bossy little sister to find me. You never could though, could you?
REBECCA Get in!
CARL steps into the wardrobe and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
CARL stands next to REBECCA.
REBECCA Is Daddy playing?
CARL He said he would. He’s out showing Mark and Elizabeth the stables.
REBECCA He can do that afterwards; we’re meant to be playing the game!
CARL All right, keep your voice down or you’ll give us all away.
IAN (jokily) Yeah, chill out, bitch!
Silence. REBECCA and CARL are stunned.
IAN (cont’d) Sorry, that was misjudged.
CARL Actually it was quite funny. She is a bit of a bitch, aren’t you, Becks?
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
The bedroom door opens and STU enters, flamboyantly dressed, camp, forties. He is carrying a glass and a bottle of champagne.
STU Lollipops, come and get your lollipops! Where are all the children hiding?
STU looks around the room.
STU (cont’d) Now then … if I were to secrete myself in this room, where would I go? Not behind those curtains – they’re a migraine waiting to happen. Hanging round the toilet perhaps – it has been known. Or would I enjoy spending time … in the closet!
STU opens the wardrobe door to find CARL, REBECCA and IAN.
STU (cont’d) Oh! Not interrupting anything, am I?
REBECCA Come on!
STU steps in the wardrobe and closes the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
STU joins CARL, REBECCA and IAN.
STU Oh it’s like the back room of Cinderella’s in Wakefield. Anyone got any poppers or lube?
CARL (a warning) Stuart.
IAN You two know each other, do you?
CARL Unfortunately, yes.
REBECCA They’re partners.
IAN Oh. In what line?
STU It used to be straight up and down but not any more.
IAN Oh. I’m in IT.
STU Congratulations. I’m in SH-IT cos I got in late last night, didn’t I?
CARL Stuart, you can do what you like, it doesn’t bother me.
IAN Oh I see, so you’re … living-together partners?
STU Yes, we’re queer, dear, get used to it.
CARL That’s it, I can’t stay in here …
CARL opens the wardrobe door.
REBECCA Stuart, behave! This party’s not about you, it’s about me and Jeremy, so butt out! Carl, please.
CARL closes the wardrobe door again. STU looks at REBECCA.
STU You’re much prettier when you’re angry. (To CARL) So are you. Anyway, changing the subject slightly, I’m not being rude but there’s a man downstairs who absolutely stinks.
REBECCA Yes, that’s Stinky John.
STU What is it? Is it his clothes, his breath …?
REBECCA I don’t know. He was at school with us, wasn’t he, Carl?
CARL Yes, but that was when he was just John, not Stinky John.
REBECCA Something must have happened to him; he just stopped washing one day. Maybe we should trace it back?
CARL Yes. Maybe we should. ‘Who Do You Stink You Are?’
STU And who are all the other people? Who’s the really boring one? rebecca coughs and stu remembers ian is with them.
STU (cont’d) Oh yes, and what about the old woman that’s wandering round?
REBECCA Oh God, that’s Geraldine. She’s Daddy’s cleaner. I asked her to come and serve drinks but she thinks she’s a guest.
STU Oh that’s hilair. You’ve got to tell her.
REBECCA I can’t now, she’s all dressed up.
STU Dressed up? She looks like ‘Feed the Birds’.
IAN We have a sandwich guy at work and he wears a – like a yellow T-shirt thing, like a jersey but made from T-shirt material, and the girls all call him Mustard Mike!
Silence.
STU Well, thank God I brought champagne. Who wants a swig?
STU drinks from his glass of champagne.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
RACHEL, a pretty but dumb girl in her thirties, runs into the room. She looks around, goes over to the bedside cabinet and looks inside. Unsurprisingly there is nobody hiding there. RACHEL looks around the room, then goes over to the wardrobe and flings the door open to reveal STU, CARL, REBECCA and IAN. RACHEL calls out:
RACHEL Found them! They’re in here!
REBECCA Ssssshhhh!
RACHEL That’s it, isn’t it? I’ve won!
REBECCA No, you’ve got to hide as well.
RACHEL Oh, OK …
RACHEL hurries over to the window.
REBECCA No, in here, with us.
RACHEL Oh. There’s not much space.
CARL That’s why it’s fun apparently.
RACHEL But I’m a little bit claustrophobic.
CARL Then it’s even more fun.
REBECCA Quick, before someone sees you.
REBECCA pulls RACHEL into the wardrobe and closes the door.
REBECCA (V.O.) (cont’d) Could you just move back a bit, Ian. Have you got space?
IAN (V.O.) Er, yes, I’ve just got a Christmas tree sticking in my bottom.
STU (V.O.) (sings) ‘Memories …’
REBECCA (V.O.) Ssshhhh!
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
RACHEL is huddled in the wardrobe between ian and REBECCA. She whispers:
RACHEL So what happens now?
REBECCA We wait for the others to find us.
RACHEL So how do you win?
REBECCA Nobody wins, you just wait.
RACHEL Oh. Right. So when does the game start?
REBECCA This is the game, Rachel, we’re playing it.
IAN Oh – so you’re Rachel.
RACHEL Yes, hello!
IAN I’ve been calling Rebecca ‘Rachel’, haven’t I?
REBECCA Yes.
IAN I think I got you mixed up because Jeremy talks about you all the time.
RACHEL Does he?
REBECCA Does he?
IAN Yes.
REBECCA Who were you talking to?
IAN Erm, which one are you?
REBECCA Rebecca.
IAN Yes.
An awkward silence.
STU I spy with my little eye something beginning with WD.
CARL Wardrobe door?
STU Correct. Oh I haven’t seen this much wood since …
CARL Don’t!
STU pokes his tongue out at CARL.
REBECCA (to IAN) So what does Jeremy say about me?
IAN Sorry?
REBECCA At work. You said he talks about me.
IAN Oh just nice things. The usual boring girlfriend stuff …
REBECCA Boring girlfriend?
IAN Not that you’re boring but what he said about you was …
REBECCA Boring.
IAN Yes.
REBECCA Well, coming from you, Ian, that’s quite something. Thank you.
IAN You’re welcome.
RACHEL Is anyone else hot in here? Can we just open the door a crack, I need to get some air …
CARL Wait ’til Stinky John gets here, you’ll need more than a crack.
RACHEL Is Stinky John playing?
REBECCA Everybody’s playing, it’s Sardines.
RACHEL I might not be able to stay here if he gets in. I do get a bit …
RACHEL fans herself.
STU Don’t worry, dear, me and you’ll nip through to Narnia, have a snowball fight and get some Turkish Delight.
RACHEL opens the door to get some air. She steps out.
RACHEL I’m sorry, I need to breathe …
REBECCA No – you’re not allowed!
CARL She’s allowed to breathe.
REBECCA I’d rather she didn’t …
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
RACHEL is in the bedroom.
IAN I wouldn’t mind stretching my legs actually. Been here a while …
IAN steps out of the wardrobe.
REBECCA What? Oh this is ridiculous!
STU Well, I’m going to have a pee break then. All that champagne has gone straight through me.
REBECCA Well, don’t flush it!
STU Don’t worry, I won’t. You know my motto: ‘If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.’
STU gets out and nips across to the en-suite. He opens the door to find GERALDINE sitting on the toilet.
GERALDINE Hang on! Occupied!
STU slams the door shut.
STU Sorry! Well, that’s something I’ll never unsee.
REBECCA Who is it?
STU ‘Feed the Birds.’
REBECCA Geraldine?
IAN Shouldn’t she be using the staff toilets?
The toilet flushes and we hear the tap running. REBECCA sees that CARL is looking very preoccupied.
REBECCA Are you OK? What’s the matter with you?
CARL (acidly) What do you think, Rebecca? Look where we are.
GERALDINE emerges from the en-suite. She is in her seventies and wears her best dress and hat, also seventies.
GERALDINE There you go, lovey. It doesn’t have a lock, it’s an ‘onsweetie’.
STU Well, at least you’ve warmed the seat for me.
RACHEL Thought it was just a pee break?
STU It is. Ladies sit.
STU enters the en-suite and shuts the door.
GERALDINE I heard you all talking in there, but I didn’t want to disturb you. (To RACHEL) Hello, lovey.
RACHEL Hello!
GERALDINE That’s a bonny dress.
RACHEL Thank you.
GERALDINE My hip went that colour when I fell up some steps at Legoland.
RACHEL I was just getting some air. I’m a bit claustrophobic.
GERALDINE Oh dear. Is that where you can’t bear to touch a snake?
From inside the bathroom, stu pipes up:
STU (V.O.) You’ve got that, haven’t you, Carl?
CARL I’d hardly call it a snake, Stuart. More of a scaly lizard.
STU (V.O.) I heard that!
CARL Good.
IAN Right, shall we, er, assume the position?
IAN goes to get back into the wardrobe. REBECCA turns to CARL.
REBECCA It’s just a game.
CARL looks away. RACHEL gets back in, followed by GERALDINE. They close the door.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
IAN, RACHEL, GERALDINE, REBECCA and CARL are now in the wardrobe.
GERALDINE Room for a little ’un?
IAN Yes, it’s like the Time and Relative Dimension In Space! TARDIS …
Nobody responds.
GERALDINE So, Rachel, tell me again how you know Jeremy?
There is an awkward pause.
RACHEL Erm …
REBECCA Rachel is Jeremy’s ex, Geraldine.
GERALDINE That’s it. I knew it was something I wasn’t supposed to mention.
RACHEL We’re just mates now. Text buddies. He BBMs me every now and again at weekends.
GERALDINE Oh lovely.
REBECCA Yes, he BBMs me a lot as well. We’re always BBMing.
CARL What it is to be young.
Silence.
GERALDINE It’s been ages since I’ve been in this room. Your dad usually keeps it locked up. You know, after …
REBECCA We’re not going down that road, Geraldine. It’s a party, remember?
GERALDINE Oh yes!
GERALDINE sings lyrics from the song ‘Why Am I Always the Bridesmaid?’.
During this, RACHEL smiles at REBECCA, who smiles back thinly. REBECCA tries to take CARL’s hand but he removes it. STU opens the wardrobe door and steps back in.
STU Right I’m coming in, nobody fart.
STU closes the wardrobe door. STU places his fingers under carl’s nose.
STU (cont’d) Smell that. Carbolic. We should get some for our ‘on-sweetie’.
GERALDINE Well, this is fun, isn’t it?
REBECCA Thank you, Geraldine, yes, it is. Fun.
GERALDINE Do you have a girlfriend, Ian?
IAN Er – no. Young, free and single at the moment. It’s fine, you get used to it. I’ve not been a monk, I’ve had some experiences … but no. Pretty barren at the moment. A pretty arid patch.
GERALDINE We’ll have to get you fixed up. Do you like him, Rachel?
RACHEL (too quickly) No. I mean, no, I’ve got a boyfriend. Did you meet Lee downstairs?
GERALDINE Yes, he gave me his jacket and asked me to get him a drink.
REBECCA He’s only young.
STU How young? Is he legal?
RACHEL He’s 21.
GERALDINE Toy boy!
STU Well, you know what they say. ‘If there’s grass on the wicket, let play commence!’
CARL Oh for fuck’s sake, Stuart, give it a rest!
STU What’s got into you?
CARL Can’t you just talk like a normal human being for five minutes?
Suddenly they hear a noise in the bedroom. REBECCA shushes everyone. REBECCA peeps through a crack in the wardrobe door to see ELIZABETH come into the room and look around. ELIZABETH whispers loudly:
ELIZABETH Mark! In here.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
MARK enters the bedroom to join his wife ELIZABETH. Both ELIZABETH and MARK are tall, elegant, well-dressed snobs.
ELIZABETH Have you got rid of him?
MARK Yes, he’s off looking for the others. God, I loathe playing other people’s family games, it’s such a bore.
ELIZABETH We’ve done long enough now. You said we’d be out by three.
MARK Well, why didn’t you just do the lie about the babysitter getting ill?
ELIZABETH Because that needs to be seeded. You need to seed it.
MARK You don’t need to seed it, you just say it. ‘Sorry, we’ve got to go now, the babysitter’s ill.’
ELIZABETH You’re so naïve Mark. What awful curtains.
MARK Anyway, the old man might be tedious but he’s our way in to Dickie Lawrence so we have to put a shift in.
ELIZABETH I thought you hated Dickie Lawrence.
MARK I do, he’s a first-class prick. But I need him to smooth over that merger next year. You know what they say: ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’
ELIZABETH You’re such a horrible shit, Mark.
MARK That’s why you love me.
MARK grabs ELIZABETH and kisses her. The wardrobe door eases open a crack and we see REBECCA peeping out.
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
Inside the wardrobe REBECCA can hear MARK and ELIZABETH and see bits of them through the crack in the door.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) Mark, stop it … no, not here …
MARK (V.O.) Come on. Just fingers.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) No!
RACHEL (whispers) Do you think we should say something?
REBECCA We’ve left it too late now.
RACHEL But what if they start …?
REBECCA I think they’ve already started.
GERALDINE But anyone could walk in on them.
STU That’s the thrill of it, Geraldine. Here, hold my glass, I’m going to film it.
STU gets out his mobile phone.
REBECCA No you’re not! Somebody make a noise.
IAN blows a little breath, hardly registering any sound.
REBECCA (cont’d) That was a bit too subtle, Ian.
GERALDINE cries out:
GERALDINE Geronimo!
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
MARK and ELIZABETH break from their embrace. ELIZABETH adjusts her clothes. MARK smooths his hair and goes to open the wardrobe. Six smiling faces look out at him.
REBECCA Oh! You found us, well done!
ELIZABETH What the hell …?
MARK remembers.
MARK Sardines.
IAN Hi, Mark! Welcome to the wardrobe!
MARK stares blankly.
IAN (cont’d) Ian. I work for you. In IT.
MARK Of course, hi.
REBECCA We’ve been hiding here for ages waiting for someone to find us and these doors are so thick, we didn’t hear anything, did we?
Assorted mumbles of ‘no, no’ from the others.
REBECCA (cont’d) Do you want to come in then, before Daddy finds us?
MARK Erm …
MARK looks to ELIZABETH.
ELIZABETH Yes. Though I am a bit worried about the babysitter, she did say she was feeling a bit under the weather …
CARL Oh, well seeded.
MARK We’ll be all right for a few minutes, won’t we?
MARK raises an eyebrow at ELIZABETH. It’s an order – we have to do this. She gives him a hard look, then:
ELIZABETH Yes. Looks like a lot of fun.
ELIZABETH gingerly moves forward as if she’s going to walk into a pig sty. She braces herself and steps into the wardrobe.
ELIZABETH (cont’d) Right. I’m coming in. Please mind the shoes everybody. Maybe I should take them off ?
MARK No, just get in, Liz. The sooner we start …
MARK and ELIZABETH step into the wardrobe.
MARK (cont’d) Stand there, next to Rachel.
REBECCA Rebecca!
MARK Sorry.
REBECCA It’s my engagement party and nobody seems to know my name!
MARK It’s just that Jeremy always …
REBECCA What?
IAN This one’s Rachel!
IAN points knowingly to RACHEL.
MARK Ah. Nice to meet you.
RACHEL Nice to meet you too.
LEE enters the room with an empty glass.
LEE There you all are! I’ve already been in here once!
RACHEL Lee! Come in, we’re having such a laugh.
LEE Can’t believe I didn’t check in the fucking wardrobe, what a knob! I thought I heard someone shouting.
GERALDINE That was me, I said ‘Geronimo’ – don’t ask me why.
RACHEL Have you met everyone, Lee? This is Ian, who works with Mark.
IAN pops his head round the corner.
MARK For Mark actually. I own the company.
LEE Oh right. If you ever need any roofing doing …
RACHEL You know Rebecca, obviously. This is Mark’s wife, Elizabeth.
ELIZABETH Hello.
LEE You all right, darling? You look like you’re crying.
ELIZABETH It’s just a bit dusty in here, that’s all.
RACHEL This is Rebecca’s brother Carl, and Stuart, who’s his …
CARL Flatmate. Pleased to meet you.
STU Flatmate?
LEE All right.
RACHEL And this is Geraldine.
LEE Yeah, I know. I wouldn’t mind a little top-up, if you don’t mind.
LEE proffers his empty champagne glass to GERALDINE.
GERALDINE Pardon?
LEE A little cheeky champers, there’s a good girl.
GERALDINE Why do you keep asking me?
LEE Rebecca said you were serving drinks.
REBECCA No …
GERALDINE No, I’m a guest! He’s got his wires crossed.
REBECCA Yes, we’re all guests here. All equal.
GERALDINE I used to be their Nanny, you know. I’ve known all three of them since they were so high.
RACHEL Three of them?
REBECCA Yes, we’ve got a sister, Caroline. She moved away.
GERALDINE Is she not coming, Becky? I’d love to see the boys again. They must be getting big now.
REBECCA No, they can’t make it. It’s a bit too far to travel.
GERALDINE Aaaahhh …
REBECCA and CARL exchange looks.
LEE I’ll go and get my own drink then.
LEE turns to go.
STU Here you go, I’ve got some contraband you can have, Lee …
STU pushes his way out of the wardrobe and approaches LEE with his champagne bottle.
STU (cont’d) Let’s form a splinter group under the bed.
REBECCA You can’t do that.
STU It’s all right, I’m sure my flatmate won’t mind.
STU looks back at CARL, then starts to drag LEE over to the bed.
LEE All right, but don’t try and bum me!
REBECCA I’m sorry, Stuart, but that’s against the rules.
STU Homophobic!
GERALDINE Oh you’ve got that, haven’t you, lovey?
RACHEL No, I’m claustrophobic.
ELIZABETH It is getting rather crowded in here.
IAN Yes, it’s almost like we’re a tin of sardines!
MARK Tell you what, Colin, why don’t you step out for a bit, make some room.
IAN climbs out of the wardrobe.
IAN It’s Ian …
MARK Sorry, Ian – you can go under the bed with those two.
LEE and stu are climbing under the bed.
STU No, sorry, private party.
REBECCA Look, you cannot play Sardines unless everyone is hiding in the same place together, that’s what makes it fun …
MARK closes the wardrobe door, leaving IAN on the outside. IAN looks around and heads into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. We stay on the empty room.
STU (V.O.) Oh yes, Lee, that’s nice, keep doing that, what big hands you’ve got, oh yes …
RACHEL (V.O.) Lee?
LEE (V.O.) I’m not doing anything!
CARL (V.O.) Leave him alone, Stuart.
STU (V.O.) Oh, what’s the matter, Carl, are you jealous?
CARL (V.O.) Piss off.
REBECCA (V.O.) Stop arguing, you two, this is ridiculous!
STU (V.O.) It’s not my fault that you’re afraid of intimacy, Carl!
CARL (V.O.) (emotionally) And it’s not my fault either! You’ve got no idea …
A moment of silence in the empty room. The door opens and in comes STINKY JOHN. He is overweight with long hair and wears an ill-fitting suit. He creeps into the room and looks around. STINKY JOHN approaches the wardrobe. He throws the wardrobe door open to reveal MARK, GERALDINE, RACHEL, REBECCA, ELIZABETH and CARL. They stare at him with looks of horror on their faces.
STINKY JOHN Ta-dah!
REBECCA John!
REBECCA instinctively puts her hand over her mouth.
STINKY JOHN Oh looks like I’m one of the last to join the party. Can I squeeze in?
He makes to step into the wardrobe.
RACHEL/REBECCA/ELIZABETH No!
REBECCA I just think it’s a bit too full.
STINKY JOHN No, there’s plenty of room …
STINKY JOHN tries to get in. They all bunch up to stop him.
ELIZABETH I feel sick.
MARK Breathe through your mouth.
CARL Actually, John – some people are hiding under the bed …
STU (V.O.) Oh no you don’t!
RACHEL Yes, we just thought, as I’m claustrophobic …
STINKY JOHN But that’s not the game, is it? You’re all meant to be squashed in together. That’s the rules.
REBECCA Yes, but we thought it doesn’t really matter about the rules. As long as we’re all in the same room it still counts.
STINKY JOHN All right, as you wish.
STINKY JOHN goes towards the bed and looks under it. STU’s face peeps out.
STU Actually, John, there really isn’t room under here. There’s suitcases and everything, isn’t that right, Lee?
LEE (V.O.) Yeah, it’s packed mate, sorry.
STINKY JOHN I don’t think I’d fit under there anyway to be honest, what with the old 26-pack.
He wobbles his gut.
STU Yeah, you’re far better off going with the wardrobe group.
STINKY JOHN All right, pillar to post! I’m back again!
STINKY JOHN heads back to the wardrobe but the door has been pulled to. stinky john tries to open it but encounters resistance.
STINKY JOHN (cont’d) Hang on. What’s going on here? Is it caught or something?
INT. WARDROBE. DAY.
Inside the wardrobe everyone is trying to hold the door closed.
REBECCA It’s stuck, John. Maybe try going in the bathroom.
MARK First time for everything.
INT. BEDROOM. DAY.
STINKY JOHN can see through the crack in the wardrobe door.
STINKY JOHN I can see what it is. It’s fingers, someone’s holding it with their fingers.
RACHEL (V.O.) No, we’re trying to push it.
GERALDINE (V.O.) Oh let him in, poor lamb.
ELIZABETH (V.O.) You can’t! Mark tell them.
MARK (V.O.) Maybe try behind the curtains.
STU (V.O.) Yeah and open a window while you’re there, it’s getting a bit close.
STINKY JOHN shambles over to the window.
STINKY JOHN All right. Funniest game of Sardines I’ve ever played.
STINKY JOHN arranges himself behind a curtain at the window just as JEREMY enters the room. JEREMY is REBECCA’s fiancé, fairly handsome, well turned out, but a bit wet.
JEREMY Ah, John, have you seen Rebecca anywhere?
STINKY JOHN Argh, caught red-handed! She’s hiding in the wardrobe but you can’t get in, the door’s stuck apparently.
JEREMY Thanks.
STINKY JOHN And there’s two under the bed – it’s a shambles!
STINKY JOHN
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Inside No. 9: The Scripts Series 1-3
Steve Pemberton
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