Extra Man

by Jonathan Ames

Genres: Humor & Satire; Literary Fiction

Synopsis

“A storyteller of refreshing inventiveness and subtlety” ( San Francisco Chronicle), Jonathan Ames has won critical raves for this delightful “comedy of impeccable manners with a debauched '90s spin” ( Elle). Meet Louis Ives: well-groomed, romantic, and as captivating as an F. Scott Fitzgerald hero. Only this hero has a penchant for ladies clothes, and he's lost his teaching post at Princeton’s Pretty Brook Day School after an unfortunate incident involving a colleague’s brassiere. Meet Henry Harrison: former actor, failed but brilliant playwright, and a well-seasoned escort for New York City’s women of means. He dances alone to Ethel Merman records, second-acts operas, and performs his scrappy life with the dignity befitting a self-styled man of the world. What can this ageless Don Quixote of the Upper East Side have to offer a young gentleman such as Louis? What, indeed. Well, the answer lies somewhere between the needs of an irascible mentor and the education of his eager apprentice...between cocktails on the Upper East Side and an even more intoxicating treat along the secret fringes of Times Square...and between friendship and longing.

Release date: July 1, 1999

Publisher: Scribner

Print pages: 384

Sample

Chapter 1
THE BRASSIERE
I came to New York to find myself and get a fresh start. I was also, to be honest, running away from some messy business that occurred at the Pretty Brook Country Day School in Princeton, New Jersey. I had been a respected English teacher there for four years, ever since graduating from college. My downfall was a brassiere.
I came upon it in the deserted teacher's lounge after school one day late in the spring of 1992. Its white strap was hanging out of the large gym bag of one of my colleagues, a Ms. Jefferies, whom I found attractive, though that's more or less incidental to the case. She was the assistant tennis coach, and I imagined that she must have changed into a sports bra of some type and that she was out practicing with the girls.
So I saw that strap dangling out of the bag like a snake and I was alarmed. I decided to be virtuous and ignore the strap. To show my strength, I sat at my little desk to grade some essays, which had been my original intention. We all had our own little desks in the lounge for doing work and after laboring over three or four poor samples of seventh-grade grammar, I forgot entirely about the brassiere. I did become thirsty though, and I walked over to the watercooler to get a drink. Without realizing it, my path took me right alongside Ms. Jefferies' gym bag and there, miraculously, the strap of that bra hooked itself into the cuff of my khaki pants and the bra was yanked out like a magician's handkerchief.
I felt only a slight tug, like a bite, saw a flash of white out of the corner of my eye, realized it was the bra, and my first impulse was to look to the door. No one was coming! Then I stared down at the bra. I saw the barely visible etchings of flowers in the white material. I saw the sturdily lined, ample cups, whose very shape implied so much. I saw the white loops for lovely shoulders. "Oh, God, it's beautiful," I thought. I wanted to steal it and take it home. Again, like a sinner, I looked to the door. I became rational. I was in Pretty Brook! I kicked my leg out and the bra dislodged. I then kicked at the bra like a soccer player, aiming to get it back in the bag, but it only skidded a few inches and stopped. It just lay there, still, on the low-cut brown carpeting.
My weakness prevailed. I bent down quickly and scooped the bra up. The touch of it aroused me immediately. I felt the stitched-in wire supports of the cups. The weight they held! Why couldn't I have such weight? Then I pressed a cup to my nose and I smelled perfume. It was intoxicating. Then I did something mad. I put the bra on over my spring-weight tweed coat and gazed at myself in the mirror above the watercooler. I looked absurd, I was wearing a tie, but I had a wonderful, fleeting sensation of femininity, and then at that very moment the head of the Lower School, kindergarten through fifth grade, came in. A Mrs. Marsh, who was married to Mr. Marsh, the principal of Pretty Brook. I faced my executioner with her brown skirt, yellow blouse, and bullet-gray hair, and she said, baffled, yet accusingly, "Mr. Ives?"
"It was in Ms. Jefferies' bag!" I blurted out, which was of course an incriminating and ridiculous thing to say. I could have escaped by passing it off as a joke, a silly gag. I could have kicked out my leg this time like a Rockette, but she had heard my guilty exclamation, she saw my guilty eyes, and then she looked down -- how could she fail to notice -- and saw my protuberance pressing up and to the left (pointing north to New York? to my heart?) which proclaimed the guilt of my action even more profoundly than the wild look of sex that must have been in my eyes.
To Mrs. Marsh's credit she discreetly left the room without saying another word. I took the bra off and I wondered if it was sturdy enough to act as a noose. I could take it to the men's room and hang myself. I knew my career at Pretty Brook was over. The publicity of my erection had sealed my fate.
I bravely stayed on for the remainder of the spring term, but I wasn't asked back for the fall. I was let go supposedly because of budget cuts and declining enrollment, but I knew the real reason why the budget could no longer sustain me.
I spent most of the summer depressed and ashamed. I had liked teaching. I had enjoyed pretending that I was a professor and dressing like one, even though I only taught the seventh grade. But I was afraid to apply for other teaching jobs. I feared that Pretty Brook would give me a terrible reference: "He's very good with the children, but we suspect that he's a transvestite."
I had a little money saved up, but it wasn't going to last me long as I had my college loans to pay. I was eligible for unemployment, but that wasn't going to start until the fall, nor was it a solution. In my nervousness about my future, I took to walking the beautiful and elegant tree-lined streets of Princeton. I often marched up and down Nassau Street, the main drag, though I made sure to avoid the window of Edith's Lingerie Shop.
I frequently saw former students during my walks and their happy greetings would initially cheer me up and then further depress me. But overall, walking in Princeton was a very good thing -- it's quite a civilized and genteel community. There's nothing else like it in New Jersey, or even perhaps the rest of the United States. It has both an English feeling to it and a Southern feeling. There are grand colonial mansions; middle-class houses with wraparound porches; a poor black neighborhood with clotheslines waving like international flags; and then, of course, Princeton University, peering down upon everything from its eerie Gothic towers, and resting regally behind its gates like Buckingham Palace.
In the center of town, off Nassau Street, there's a charming grassy lawn with old trees and flowers and many benches. It's called Palmer Square and it rests between the attractive art deco post office and the century-old hotel, the Nassau Inn. The benches of Palmer Square were often my destination when I would exhaust myself from my daily marches.
Because of my act of spontaneous, self-destructive bra-wearing, which had cost me a beloved position, I thought of myself as unwell and imbalanced. Also I had started reading Thomas Mann's The Magic Mountain and I overidentified with the main character, a profoundly confused young man, Hans Castorp, who takes a seven-year tubercular cure in the Swiss Alps even though he's perfectly healthy. So I began to think of my walks as a form of cure and I took to wearing a light coat because Hans always wore a coat. And I started to view all of Princeton as a gigantic sanitarium and considered the other Palmer Square bench-sitters to be fellow patients, which in fact was true. For some reason, Princeton has attracted a number of halfway houses that cater to various mental disorders, and many of the residents gravitate towards Palmer Square.
So we all sat on the benches, holding on, in differing states of desperation. Two of the regulars on the benches were old professors who had lost their minds, but I admired how elegantly they still managed to dress. And along with those of us who were having mental problems there were quite a few pensioners, men and women, and they weren't crazy, but they were mad with loneliness. A few of them were dangerous to speak with: the only way to disengage was to suddenly stand up, say good-bye politely, and then walk away while they were in mid-sentence.
As a result, I only had passing acquaintances with these bench colleagues -- I had no close friends. The only person who could have fallen into that category was a student at the Princeton Theological Seminary, Paul, who had left town a few months before to take up a Presbyterian ministry in Adelaide, Australia. So my only solace, besides walking, was drinking iced coffee and reading as much as possible.
Then one day in late August I was sitting on my favorite bench in front of the post office and I was stupefied by the central Jersey heat and atmosphere, whose degree of moisture in summertime can be Amazonian in content. I had made matters worse by parading around like a vain fool in my graystriped seersucker jacket, which you can wear in summer in most climates, like in the Swiss Alps or even the South of France, but not in Mercer County. I had sadly finished The Magic Mountain and I was now carrying around Henry James's Washington Square but I was too devastated to do any reading. My copy was an old paperback and on the cover was a watercolor painting of the Washington Arch viewed from Fifth Avenue. And I was simply staring at the cover in a state of depression and dehydration, when I suddenly had an inspiration as to what I should do: Move to New York City and live!
A simple plan unfolded: Find a cheap room and gain employment. Since I had been an English major at Rutgers, in the honors program, I thought I'd look into the magazine and publishing worlds for a job. But the first step was to find a room, a base of operations.
I thought that the romantic thing to do was to live in a hotel. I liked to imagine that I was a young gentleman, and so the idea of having a friendly hotel clerk who took messages for me, and said goodbye to me every morning as I headed out in my jacket and tie, appealed to me.
The next day I took the train into New York. I used The Village Voice classified section as my guide and I sought out the hotels that advertised under the heading "Furnished Rooms for Rent." It was easy for me to find the hotels, as I was quite capable of making my way around Manhattan. I grew up in northern New Jersey, just fifty miles from the George Washington Bridge, and I had been coming to the city for museums and plays and odd quests my whole life. But until that moment when I looked at the Henry James cover, I had never really thought of living in New York.
My earliest memories of the city are of how it appeared from the top of the Ramapo Mountains, at whose base my hometown, Ramapo, is located. The Ramapos aren't a very impressive mountain range -- in other states they would be considered large hills -- but as a child I thought they were beautiful, and from them you could see New York. During the day, only the tops of the buildings were visible: they rose out of gray mist and pollution. And at night, my father sometimes took my mother and me to a peak of one of the Ramapos, on a road called Skyline Drive, and he exclaimed every time, "Look! There's the city!"
He was proud that he had moved from Brooklyn to a place with such a view, almost as if he himself had discovered it. And it was spectacular. You could see the buildings as they were defined by the light around them. They looked like rocket ships to me, and the whole city shone like a crown, like a faraway Oz.
So in some ways I had never let go of my initial awe and fear of New York, this feeling that it wasn't a real place where a person, where I, could live. But having lost my job at Pretty Brook, and armed with a pleasant fantasy about being a young-gentleman-about-town, I put my old fear away and I went to hotels all over Manhattan.
I unfortunately discovered that a young-gentleman-of-limited-means no longer stays in hotels. Even the least expensive places cost five hundred dollars a month and the rooms they offered were squalid and depressing. The beds were collapsing and stained, all the windows looked on to air shafts, and you had to share a bathroom with everyone else on your hall. And the other residents, whom I caught glimpses of, looked like crack or heroin addicts.
I spoke to only one person, a young woman. She was leaving the Riverview Hotel on Jane Street in the Village just as I was climbing the stairs. She was carrying a guitar case, and I thought to myself, "Maybe this is where artists live. This could be good." I decided to be gregarious and I said to her, with a smile, "Excuse me, I'm from out of town, and I was wondering, is this an all right place?" She gave me the most frightened look and upon closer inspection I saw that her hair was filthy and clotted and that there were violet pools beneath her eyes. She fled past me down the stairs and I imagined, in that brief moment, that she was a folksinger who had fallen upon hard times. I watched her walk quickly up the sidewalk and I realized that her guitar case was burst open on its side and that it carried no instrument.
I hadn't expected beautiful accommodations, but the environments in these hotels were much worse than what I had imagined, and the clerks were not at all what I had hoped for. There was no chance that they would take an interest in my life and wish me well in the mornings when I left for work. They all dealt with me from behind bulletproof sheets of glass, and even with the speaking holes I found it difficult to understand what they were saying.
At the finish of this first day of starting a new life, I ended up in a Greek diner. I had a cup of coffee and I felt the despair return that had been with me all summer. My life was obviously a mess and I thought myself a fool for having pursued a clearly outdated notion of how one might live in New York. I wanted to give up, but I didn't have many options left in Princeton, so I reopened my crumpled Village Voice. I looked in the "Apartments for Rent" section, but everything seemed far too expensive. And then under "Roommates Wanted" there was an ad that caught my eye. It read as follows: "Writer looking for responsible male to share apartment. Don't call before noon. Can call after midnight. $210/month. 555-3264."
It was odd, it gave an old-fashioned phone exchange, but it was also the cheapest listing in the whole Village Voice, and the idea of a writer was romantic to me. I was enthused again and immediately called the number from a pay phone in the diner.
"H. Harrison," answered an older man's voice.
"I'm calling about the room -- "
"Can you pay the rent?"
"Yes, I think so."
"What type of work do you do?"
"I teach -- "
"Can you come right now? I don't want to talk on the phone. I can't stand all these calls."
His phone manner was abrupt, but that was understandable considering how many people must have been inquiring about the room. I told him I'd come see him immediately. He gave me the address and I jotted it on a napkin. It seemed like incredibly good luck that I should have caught him in. He lived on the Upper East Side and his full name was Henry Harrison. I told him that I was Louis Ives. We said goodbye, I paid for my coffee, and I rushed out of the diner with a feeling of great expectation. This Henry Harrison had sounded very promising.

THERE'S TO BE NO FORNICATION
I took a Number 6 uptown and I looked at myself in the train's darkened window. My hair, which had begun to thin, looked thick in the window's black reflection, and this buoyed my confidence and added to my good feeling.
I got off at the Ninety-sixth Street station and I walked down the hill from Lexington to Second Avenue. It was early evening, still light out, and the air was pleasant. The city felt calm.
Mr. Harrison's building was on Ninety-third, between Second and First avenues. It was an old five-story brick walk-up -- there were about a dozen walk-ups on the street -- and in the little vestibule I buzzed the appropriate buzzer. Out of the intercom came his voice; he was obviously shouting: "YOU'RE THE TEACHER?" I shouted back into the speaker, "Yes, it's me!" He then buzzed the door open and even as I climbed the first set of stairs the sound of the lock clicking followed me. He was making sure that I was able to get in.
The apartment was on the fourth floor and despite all my walking in Princeton I was a little winded. But I was also energized. I was nervous and my heart was pounding. I felt like an actor going on an audition. I wanted that room! It had to be the cheapest in New York. I knocked at the door. I heard some shuffling.
Then the door opened and with a small breeze of air coming from inside, I smelled Henry Harrison before I saw him. It was a strong, mixed odor: unwashed shirts and sweet cologne; a smell of salt and a smell of sugar.
Then I saw him. There was the immediate impression of both beauty and decay, like an elegant room whose high ceiling is yellowed and chipping off. He was old, somewhere in his late sixties was my immediate guess, but his face was still strikingly handsome. He had a good-looking nose. It was straight and appealing and the tip was in fine shape -- no mottling or holes. His hair was dark brown, too dark it seemed, but it was thick, thicker than mine, and it was swept straight back like a 1930s movie star. He had a confident chin and he was clean-shaven, but he had missed an obvious portion of grayish moustache directly under the nose. And there was something about the deep lines around his mouth and the wild, curious look in his dark eyes that was reminiscent of an old street bum lit up with drink, though I smelled no alcohol.
"Come in, come in," he said, and he closed the door behind me. He offered me his hand and we shook and we reintroduced ourselves to get through those first awkward moments. "Harrison, Henry. Henry Harrison," he said.
"Louis. Louis Ives," I answered and our hands let go.
He wasn't a tall man. He stood around five feet nine inches, and he was wearing a frayed blue blazer, a pair of stained tan pants, and a button-down red shirt. The collar of the shirt, on the lefthand side, had escaped the lapel of the blazer and was pointing out like a red dart.
I was in practically the same outfit, blazer and khaki pants, except all my clothing was in much better shape. But I didn't judge him for the rattiness of his attire: I immediately deferred to his age, and I was more concerted and pleased, that he see that I was dressed in a similar proper way.
"This is it," he said, waving his hand before us. "It's horrible, but it has a certain ambience and mad gaiety."
We were standing in the apartment's small kitchen. It was cluttered and dusty and poorly lit by a flower-shaped ceiling fixture. The kitchen table was actually a door resting on two filing cabinets. To my right, protruding from the wall, was a very large dish cabinet. On top of the cabinet was an old steamer trunk, and on top of that were several valises piled to the ceiling. I liked the trunk; it made me think of ocean crossings. And in the corner of the kitchen was a silver New Year's Eve balloon. It was wrinkled like an old fruit, but it was still floating and must have been considered the source of the mad gaiety.
The kitchen's left wall had a large picture window and through this window the apartment's living room was visible.
"Let me show you the room," he said. "And if you can't stand it, then we don't have to bother with the interview."
There was a serpentine little path that one could walk along amidst the clutter of the kitchen (wine bottles, kitchen chairs held together by wire, a stationary bicycle, a metal golf-bag carrier, books, and newspapers), and Mr. Harrison took this path and led me to a doorway on the right.
The path was made from strips of stained orange carpet of at least two different shades. The floor underneath was an old dark wood, which I thought was attractive for a New York apartment, though the wood did appear to be rotting. As I followed Mr. Harrison, I picked up his salty, sweet odor -- it pervaded the whole apartment actually -- and I liked it. It smelled alive.
In about four paces we crossed the kitchen and entered the next room.
"These would be your chambers," he said. "I'm afraid it's not very beautiful." His voice lowered, he seemed momentarily embarrassed by the shabbiness of it all, but then he regained his confidence, and said, "But it's difficult to find good staff to keep things in shape."
"I think it's perfectly fine," I said, which wasn't the truth, but was the polite thing to say. It was a tiny, narrow room and the bed was a gray mattress on a metal frame with wheels. One of the back wheels was missing and so the shortened leg was propped up on the indented cover of in old book. The bed took up almost the whole length of the room; there was just enough space for the orange path which I could see led to the bathroom. Beside the bed was a little night table with a reading lamp and next to that was a standing closet whose plywood sides were split open.
"You can keep your clothes in that armoire," he said. "And anything else can go into the file cabinets in the kitchen."
There was a window in the room, but it looked onto an air shaft. The moaning of pigeons was quite loud.
"You can really hear the pigeons," I said.
"Yes," he said, "It's nice to have access to nature."
We followed the orange path and went into the narrow bathroom. It was filthy and off-putting. There was a patch of worn blue carpet on the floor, and a set of shelves painted blue to match the carpet. On the shelves were dozens of ointments and toiletries. Most of them were squeezed out and ancient. On the top shelf there was an artistic arrangement, like the seating of a Greek theater, of tiny, dust-covered shampoo bottles bearing the crests and imprints of various hotels.
The bathroom was lacking a sink; there was only a shower and a toilet. Above the toilet was a framed ink drawing of a Victorian woman holding a fan in front of her face.
"Do you brush your teeth in the kitchen sink?" I asked.
"Yes," he said. "When I remember to."
He gave the toilet a quick flush to demonstrate that it functioned and it made a great enginelike noise. He apologized for it by saying, "It works, but I think there is an outboard motor in there. It likes to pretend that it is a yacht heading out to sea. The plumber may have stolen it from a boat in Long Island -- that's where he lives."
He then led me out of the bathroom through the bedroom, across the kitchen, and into the living room, all in about ten paces. It was the largest room in the apartment and it was here that the orange path came to a glorious end -- the floor was covered with two layers of light orange and brown-orange carpet. This was the ocean of orange which the path, like a river, bled into, and above this ocean were two big windows facing north with thick, dirty curtains. The view was a look into the back windows of the buildings on Ninety-Fourth Street, and above the rooftops was the darkening blue of the early evening sky.
"This is where I sleep," said Mr. Harrison, indicating a narrow couch underneath the wall with the interior window. "But this is also the communal area for communal relaxation. It is barracks-style living here, but it can be done."
Next to his couch-bed was a coffee table that was like a microcosm of the whole apartment -- it was layered with hundreds of pennies, unopened bills, loose aspirin, a glass wine goblet, and a bowl filled with Christmas balls which managed to gleam through their dust.
There were two matching wooden chairs with cushioned seats. He sat on the one in the right-hand corner and I sat on the chair near his bed.
"Now we're supposed to talk," he said. "See if we're compatible...What's your name again? It was something with a V. Eaves?"
"Ives," I said. "Louis Ives."
"Sounds English. But you look German. Are you German?"
"No...well my father's side is Austrian," I said, and it wasn't a lie, but it was sort of a lie. It is one of the peculiarities of my life that while I am one hundred percent Jewish and feel very Jewish on the inside, my outer appearance is very Aryan. I have blond hair, blue eyes, I am almost six feet tall, and my build is slender, but reasonably athletic. My nose comes close to giving me away, but most people look at my hair and naturally assume that my nose is aquiline or Roman, when really it's Jewish.
I was afraid that Mr. Harrison might not like Jews and so that's why I misled him about Austria. The truth is my father's side did come from the pre-World War I Austrian-Hungarian empire, though that doesn't account for my blondness. My father's family, and my father, were extremely dark. My lightness comes from my mother and my mother's side, which was Russian-Jewish, specifically from a shtetl near Odessa where light-eyed Jews must not have been uncommon. I didn't mention Russia to Mr. Harrison, because claiming Austrian heritage was a better cover, I thought, and I felt more desirable as a roommate if I were viewed as an Aryan. It is a weakness of my character that I always think to hide my Jewish identity.
"They must have changed the names to Ives at Ellis Island," he said.
"The usual immigrant story," I said, though I didn't tell him that the original name had been Ivetsky.
"Austrian," he mused, and then he smiled at me and said, "You may be a lost Hapsburg prince."
"I don't think so," I said, though I took his remark as a compliment.
"One can always hope," he said. "You may have royal blood and a vast fortune you are not even aware of," and then he slipped out of his usual accent, which sounded almost English but was actually a well-enunciated, clipped American, a Mid-Atlantic accent, and from that he went into a peasant's Irish, and said, "But until then you are forced to look for shelter with the likes of me."
I smiled at him shyly. He was a great eccentric and I felt cowed in his presence. I wanted to amuse and impress him, but I could only think of polite and pleasant things to say.
"Where are you living now?" he asked.
"New Jersey," I said.
"Why are you coming to New York?"
"I was teaching for several years, but I'm hoping to do something new...I'm sort of looking for myself." I thought he might appreciate such a sentiment since his ad said he was a writer.
"You won't find yourself in New York. New Jersey much better for things like that. Much less depraved."
I wasn't sure how to respond to this remark about depravity, and then I noticed that above Mr. Harrison's head there was a painting of the Virgin Mary on a piece of wood. I mumbled, "I was only joking, I'm not really looking for myself I just want a new career."
"Why don't you want to teach anymore?" he asked.
"There were budget problems at my school and I was junior faculty and so they let me go." I was lying as honestly as I could. "I see it as a chance to try something new."
"Where were you teaching?"
"In Princeton."
"Princeton?!?"
"Not at the university, at a private school called Pretty Brook. I only taught seventh grade. Though I did go for walks at the university and I used the library."
"How is Princeton these days? My uncle went there. It was great once. But then they let women in. That's destroyed it, I'm sure, turned it into a Midwestern U."
"It's still all excellent university," I argued. "There's no reason why women shouldn't go."
"I'm against the education of women!" he proclaimed. "It numbs their senses, their instinctual drives. It affects their performance in the boudoir and hampers their cooking ability."
"Do you really believe that?" He was too eccentric, I thought, too crazy. How could I live with him? But despite myself, I found him charming and I wanted him to like me.
"Yes," he answered. "Women shouldn't be educated. They're becoming a nuisance. Taking jobs, thinking they're equal. They are clearly inferior in all respects...They do make good mothers and good cooks. The women I like best are the ones in Williamsburg. The Hasidic women. They seem to have the right touch. They wear gingham gowns like Mary Pickford. But I don't like the men's costumes at all. It's not very attractive to wear your hair in pigtails, and the black hats aren't very good. They should get rid of the hats."
I was relieved that he had said something positive about Jews. It didn't seem likely that he could be an anti-Semite and like Hasidic women. It made me feel that I perhaps could move in after all. I wouldn't have to hide my identity and that would make things a lot easier. Still, the place was a filthy mess, even at its low price, and I had been raised in an overly hygienic way by my mother. I kept our conversation going, but I steered it back to more neutral territory, away front the Hasids, should he suddenly say something disparaging and anti-Semitic and make me feel uncomfortable. I said, "Well, the Princeton University campus is still very beautiful."
"I remember my uncle took me there during one of his reunions," he said. "he was in Fitzgerald's class. He said he could have written This Side of Paradise just because he was there at the same time. My uncle was an idiot."
"Do you like Fitzgerald?" I asked. Fitzgerald had always been one of my favorite writers, and it was because of his short stories that I thought a young gentleman should live in a hotel.
"Of course," he said. "His prose is like cocktail music. But there won't be any more Fitzgeralds. You need an all-male environment...the Muslims might produce a Fitzgerald. They're good at separating the sexes."
I imagined for a moment a new type of The Great Gatsby, written in Arabic, and being translated, and making a great sensation over here. I said to Mr. Harrison, "I love Fitzgerald's writing. In fact, what caught my eye about your ad was that it said you're a writer. What type of writing do you do?"
"I'm a playwright."
"Are you working on anything now?"
"I am trying to finish my chef-d'oeuvre. It is a sexual comedy about the Shakers. Do you know who the Shakers are?"
"I'm familiar with the Quakers. And I think I've heard of the Shakers."
"They died out because they didn't believe in sex. They believed in shaking. Though every now and then they are revived, o