A Man Named Doll

Book 1: The Doll Series

by Jonathan Ames

Genres: Hard-Boiled; Noir

Synopsis

Shot through with darkly comic flourishes. Motel, money, murder, madness: it has all you need to keep you happy' THE TIMES, THRILLER OF THE MONTH
Meet Happy Doll
Hap to his friends. He's a LA private detective living a quiet life along with his beloved half-Chihuahua half-Terrier, George.
He's getting by just fine
When he's not walking George or sipping tequila, Hap works nights at the Thai Miracle Spa, protecting the women who work there from clients who won't take "no" for an answer.
Until he kills a man
Usually Doll avoids trouble by following his two basic rules: bark loudly and act first. But after a deadly fight with a customer, even he finds himself wildly out of his depth...
A Man Named Doll is both a hilarious introduction to an unforgettable character, and a high-speed joyride through the sensuous and violent streets of LA.

Release date: April 20, 2021

Publisher: Little, Brown and Company

Print pages: 224

Sample

1.

Shelton had always been a hard man to kill.

But this time he looked nervous.

He came to my shabby little office on a Tuesday in early March, 2019. It had been a few weeks since I’d seen him last and he didn’t look good. But that wasn’t unusual. He never looked good. He was covered in liver spots like a paisley tie and was built like a bowling pin—round in the middle and meager up top. His head was small.

He was in the customer’s chair and I was behind my desk.

He was seventy-three, bald, and short, and getting shorter all the time.

I was fifty, Irish, and nuts, and getting nuttier all the time.

Outside there was a downpour. LA was crying and had been for weeks. The window behind my desk was being pelted; the noise was like a symphony gone mad.

It was rainy season. An old-fashioned one. An anomaly. Hadn’t rained this long in years, and LA had turned Irish green: the brown, scorched hills were soft with new grass, like chest hair on a burn victim. You could almost think that everything was going to be all right with the world. Almost.

“I’m in a bad way, Hank,” Shelton said. “That’s why I came to see you in person. Even in this weather.”

His tan raincoat was wet and splotched and looked like the greasy wax paper they use for deli meat. He fished his Pall Malls out of his right pocket and set one on fire. He knew I didn’t mind, and it didn’t matter anyway. Even when he wasn’t smoking, he smelled like he was. His open mouth was like an idling car.

“Why you in a bad way, Lou? What’s going on?” I pushed my ashtray, littered with the ends of joints, closer to his side of the desk.

“You know I lost the kidney, right?” he said.

“Yeah. Of course,” I said. “I visited you. Remember?” I took a joint out of my desk drawer, struck a match, and lit up. But I knew I wouldn’t get high. I’ve smoked too much over the years and I’m saturated with THC. So at this point, it’s just a placebo. A placebo that takes the edge off. Makes the nightmare something you don’t have to wake up from. You know it’s all a dream. Even if it’s a bad dream.

“I know. I know,” Lou said. “I’m just saying. You know I lost one, and now, well, the good kidney, which wasn’t that good, is going. And I’m looking at dialysis. And dialysis is a living death.”

He sucked on his cigarette. Lou Shelton had been smoking two packs a day since he was fifteen. He’d had open-heart surgery three times and had more stents than fingers. He’d survived mouth cancer and throat cancer and tongue cancer, and his voice was a toss-up between a rasp, a wheeze, and a death rattle.

I’d seen him once with his shirt off, and he had a fat scar, like an ugly red snake, down the middle of his chest. It was a zipper that kept getting opened, and from being in hospitals so much, he had a more or less permanent case of MRSA, which made him prone to boils on his ass that had to be lanced.

And he sucked on the Pall Mall.

Like I said, he was a hard man to kill.

“They say it’s definite? You got to do the dialysis? What is it, once a week?”

“Once a week? Are you crazy? You go every other day, sometimes every day. For hours on end. And you need help. A woman. A child. I don’t have any of that.”

Shelton’s wife, also a heavy smoker, had died of pneumonia five years before. She had gone fast. Her lungs were shot.

They’d had one kid, a daughter, but she wouldn’t see Shelton. After he lost the first kidney and wouldn’t quit smoking, she cut him out of her life. Said she couldn’t stand by anymore and watch him kill himself. Like mom.

Still, he sent her a nice check every month. He would never stop loving her, but I guess he loved his cigarettes more. He had a grandchild he’d never seen. And his daughter cashed the checks. Never said thank you. Why should she?

“Maybe dialysis isn’t that bad,” I said.

“No! It’s death. I’m never gonna do it.”

Part of me wanted to say, “Just give up already, Lou. You’re done. You’re dead. And you did it to yourself.”

But who was I to deprive him—in my mind—of one more cup of coffee, one more good feeling, one more bit of happiness?

So I pulled on my joint and said, “You could at least try it. Maybe it’s easier than you think. And what choice do you have?”

“No way. Remember MacKenzie from Homicide? He’s on it. Too much booze. Pickled himself. I went to see him. He’s bent over like a shrimp cocktail. Can’t lift his head. And nobody was tougher.”

“I should give him a call,” I said. But I probably wouldn’t. I always put those calls off, and then the person dies. Someday somebody won’t call me.

“He asked me to shoot him in the head,” Lou said. “He knows I still carry. He said, ‘Come on, Lou, you remember how I was. End this for me. Or just give me the piece and I’ll do it myself.’ I got out of there fast, and so now I’m telling everybody: I need a new kidney. I’m looking for volunteers. I’ll go off these—”

He stubbed out his cigarette and lit another. His troubled eyes were a watery, cataract blue—his nicest feature—and the smoke from the new cigarette plumed out of his nose, two wispy trails, not long for this world.

“What do the doctors at the VA say?” I asked. “Can you get a transplant?”

Shelton had been in Vietnam. Got a Purple Heart. But never talked about it. Like most people, he was a mix of things. Heroic and selfish. Insightful and blind. Sane and insane.

“I asked, but they won’t put me on the list,” he said. “I’m not a good candidate. It’d be a waste of a kidney…but not to me.”

“I’m sorry, Lou. This is rough. Real rough.”

“Anyway, even if I got on the list, by the time they called my number, I’d be dead. So I gotta buy one,” he said, and then added real fast, “I’ll give you fifty thousand, Hank. Maybe even seventy-five, maybe more—I’m working on an angle—and I’ll pay all your medical expenses. We just have to see if you’re the right blood type.”

Then he looked down, ashamed. I hadn’t caught his meaning when he said he was looking for volunteers. “Lou, jeez. Come on,” I pleaded.

“I’m serious,” he said, and he lifted his head and looked at me dead-on, not scared or ashamed anymore. He’d made his ask. “I know you could use the money. I’m O positive. What are you?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “But who’s gonna do the surgery? You can’t buy an organ and then find some doctor to put it in you.”

“No—I’d take you to the VA. They’ll check your blood and you say you’re doing it because you love me or because of God—there’s a whole process—but as long as nobody knows about the money, it’s totally legit. And they’d believe you, because we go way back. And because…you know.”

Now it was my turn to look down.

Lou Shelton had saved my life back in ’94. I was a rookie cop and he was a desk sergeant. But this one time, during a mini riot down in Inglewood, he was on the street with us. We needed extra bodies, and we were going around the alley side of a strip mall to get at some looters from behind, but they chose that moment to slip out the back, and there was a gunfight. Lou pushed me out of the way and took a bullet. Lost his spleen. The one thing not cut out of him because of the cigarettes.

But because of me.

Now he wanted one of my kidneys. Almost like a trade. I sucked on the joint. Could I do it? Should I do it? I didn’t know what to say. So he bailed me out. “Just think about it,” he said. “I know it’s asking a lot.”

“Okay, Lou, I will.”

“And it’s not all on you. Don’t worry. I’m asking everybody, and I’m looking into the black market. I met this kid. A computer whiz. A Pakistani at the motel”—Lou was the night man at the Mirage Suites, a transient motel on Ventura Boulevard in North Hollywood—“knows all about what they call the dark web. You heard of it?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. But black market? Are you crazy?”

“What the fuck you want from me?” he said, angry all of a sudden. “I’m on death row! I gotta try everything. And if you can’t do it, you work that Asian spa. There’s gotta be one of them who’d sell me a kidney. You could ask around.”

“I can’t do that, Lou. You’re not thinking straight.”

“I’d be helping them! You can start a life with fifty grand. They could stop whoring. I’d be doing more for them than you do.”

I looked at Lou and put out my joint. A quiet came over us. The meanness and fire went slowly out of his eyes.

Then he said, “I’m sorry. That was a low blow. I’m not myself. But I’m desperate. I got maybe three months before this thing goes. I can feel it dying.” He nodded toward his abdomen, to the kidney inside him, a water bag gone bad.

“So just think about it,” he said, and stood up. “I had to ask.”

“All right, Lou,” I said.

He nodded and made for the door. On the other side of it was a metal plate that said: H. DOLL, INVESTIGATIONS & SECURITY. Most people call me Hank, but my real name is Happy. Happy Doll. My parents saddled me with that name. They didn’t think it was a joke. They’d been hoping for the best. Can’t say it worked out. Can’t say it didn’t.

At the door, Lou turned and looked at me. “I’m sorry about what I said. I know you take care of those girls the best you can.”

Then he straightened himself—there was still plenty of Marine and good cop left in Lou Shelton, and I caught a glimpse of it, his true self. He’d always been small and brave like a bullet, and he nodded at me and left.

I swiveled in my chair and stared out the window; it was streaked with tears. Rainy season.

2.

Shelton left around five p.m. I finished my joint, locked my office, and headed out to the Dresden. The bar, not the city, and I ran up the street in the rain. The Dresden was only half a block away, and I wanted a drink. I wanted to mix some tequila with the marijuana and think about what Lou had asked of me.

The bar, which had just opened for the night, was empty, the way I like it, and the place hasn’t changed much since circa 1978: long oak bar, lots of shadow, no windows, red leather booths, and a battered piano, like an old horse that still wants to please, in the middle of the floor.

I took a seat at the end of the bar, and Monica Santos, my beautiful friend, drifted over, smiling. Monica’s got a long scar down the left side of her face, parts her silky brown hair down the middle, and is one of those people that has an actual twinkle in her green eyes. And I don’t know what that twinkle is, exactly, but there’s something in Monica’s eyes that is alive. She said: “What are you drinking, Happy?”

Monica knew my real name and liked it, and I didn’t protest. She had license to call me whatever she wanted.

“A child’s portion of Don Julio,” I said.

I always order alcohol that way—stole it from an old mentor, a cop long dead. But he used it for food because he had diverticulitis. I use it for alcohol because I’m Irish. But that’s not entirely true. I’m also half Jewish. On my mother’s side. I’m half Jew, half Mick, all ish. My father was a redhead and she was dark. I got his blue eyes and her black hair.

Monica gave me another smile, went off to get my drink, and as she reached for the bottle, I studied her profile. The one with the scar. Then I looked at the rest of her—she’s tiny but strong. She was wearing some kind of yellow halter frock, and her bare arms looked pretty. She had recently turned thirty-eight and had been bartending a long time.

She brought me my drink and rested her hand on mine.

A few years ago, when I was heartbroken, she had taken me into her bed. In the morning, I cried about the other woman and she never slept with me again. I had squandered her love. But not her friendship. She liked my dog and looked after him on occasion. And sometimes we met for coffee. But mostly we saw each other at the bar.

She squeezed my hand and said: “You doing okay?”

“Yeah. A friend wants a kidney, but I’m good.”

“What?”

“Only joking,” I said.

Just then a couple of regulars, old-timers, wet from the rain, sauntered in, and Monica went to them. They all love Monica, and she loves them back. She likes broken birds, and old men are her babies, her specialty. I hoped, sitting there, that I wasn’t in that category, but I may have been fooling myself.

So I took a sip of Mr. Don Julio and got off that depressing topic and moved on to another one: the pros and cons of the kidney question. I started with the cons: giving Lou a kidney, if I was the right blood type, was the definition of throwing good money after bad. How long would it last him? Two years? Less? His body was shot.

Another con was that I was a little squeamish. The idea of someone reaching into my body and taking something out made me feel funny.

I took another sip. And thought some more.

The cons ended there. At squeamish.

The pros?

Lou had saved my life. I wasn’t wearing my vest that day. That .45 would have ripped right through me. Lou was wearing his vest and the bullet caught the edge of it, which blunted some of the impact, so the bullet only nicked him but still took out his spleen. And he lived. I wouldn’t have made it without a vest—.45s punch holes in you that you don’t come back from.

Then I took another sip.

The tequila filled in the marijuana. Liquid in smoke. And I felt good. Generous. Magnanimous. Loving of my fellow man. Loving of Lou.

And I made my decision.

I’d get my blood tested and if I was O, he could have one of my kidneys, the right or left, whichever he wanted. And free of charge. No $50K.

And where was he going to get that kind of money anyway? He didn’t have any savings and his LAPD pension check went to his daughter every month. He must have been dreaming that he could come up with fifty thousand dollars.

I took out my phone to call him, but. . .