Changing Tides

by Michael Thomas Ford

Genres: LGBT Gay

Synopsis

Few authors write about the full spectrum of gay men's lives with as much warmth, honesty, humor, and compassion as Michael Thomas Ford. Now the bestselling author of Last Summer, Looking For It, and Full Circle, delivers a shimmering, heartwarming story of one summer in the lives of three people, of the elusive search for human connection--and the necessity of love. Marine biologist Ben Ransome understands the sea, especially the tiny, beautiful sea slugs he has studied and admired for most of his life. What Ben doesn't understand are people, and now, one of the most important people in his life--his sixteen-year-old daughter, Caddie--is coming to live with him for the summer. But the sweet, happy child he remembers has been replaced by a wounded, angry stranger who resents everything about her father. Caddie is determined to act out in every way, leaving Ben feeling more alone than ever. Hudson Jones has come to Monterey, California, to find the answers to all his questions. The young, ambitious graduate student believes he's found a lost John Steinbeck novel called Changing Tides that seems to hint at the author's love for his best friend, Ed "Doc" Ricketts. If he can prove it, his career will be made. And then, perhaps he can quiet the personal demons that haunt him. But first, he'll need some local help in his research, and Ben just may be able to supply him with access to the information he needs. It's clear to Hudson that the handsome, quietly passionate Ben needs some help, too--with Caddie and his life. Sharing dinners and walks on the beach, intellectual discussions and heart-to-heart conversations, Ben and Hudson move from tentative friendship to a surprising, revelatory relationship, one with the power to point them toward the most important discoveries of their lives. For Ben, it's a summer of new beginnings, even as his daughter embarks on a dangerous course that will test the new happiness he's found... Changing Tides is an extraordinary novel that explores the glorious flaws and frailties of human beings in the never-ending struggle to connect, to be open to love, and to embrace the unknown in order to live fully.

Release date: August 1, 2008

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 352

Sample

As Ben Ransome descended through the water, he had the feeling, as he always did, that he was entering a cathedral. Float like an angel, he told himself. The words of his Open Water instructor passed through his thoughts as if he’d been certified only yesterday, instead of the twenty-odd years ago it had actually been.

Instinctively, he pushed the valve on the front of his drysuit and felt a puff of air enter. The suit eased its restrictive grip on his body, and his speed decreased slightly. Finning lightly so that he was horizontal, he looked down at the bottom, estimating that it was about twenty-five feet away. The visibility was fantastic, especially for early summer, when algae blooms often turned the water into a cloudy soup.

Today, though, he could see clearly the topography below him. On one large rock, a group of sea stars of various colors formed a constellation. To the right, a moon snail made its slow trek across the sand, leaving behind the peculiar egg case that resembled a piece of broken pottery. Tiny crabs, orange and red and brown, skittered in and out of cracks on their endless search for the bits of detritus upon which they feasted.

And all around him was the kelp. It was the kelp that made the place so special. It rose from the bottom in thick strands, reaching for the light. The fronds swayed lazily, rocked by the gentle current, and schools of dusky orange cigar-shaped señoritas darted through it like herds of silent jungle animals, hunted or being hunted, it was impossible to tell.

Descend like an angel, Ben thought again. An angel falling out of heaven. He disagreed with the last part of his instructor’s description of the proper way to begin a dive. It wasn’t falling out of heaven; it was falling into it. No place, he thought, was more beautiful than the world beneath the water.

As he neared the bottom, he added more air to his suit, until he was hovering less than two feet above the ocean floor. He looked at the dive computer strapped to his wrist. Twenty-nine feet. The vis was even better than he’d thought. Maintaining his position in the water, he looked up. The early morning sun streamed through the kelp, turning it a golden green. Kelp greenlings hovered in the shafts of light, and the sandy bottom was alive with shadows.

Ben set a heading on his compass and began to swim. He’d visited the site so many times, he didn’t even need the compass to get where he wanted to go. Even in low vis he could find it simply by following familiar landmarks. But he was a creature of habit, and so he continued to wear and use the compass, despite the fact that he rarely looked at it.

He swam slowly, unhurried. He had time. He’d cleared his schedule for the day in anticipation of the event to come later in the afternoon. That particular appointment he wasn’t as relaxed about, which is why he’d come to his favorite dive site. He needed time to prepare, to try and ready himself for what was certain to be, at best, a difficult encounter and, at worst, an unqualified disaster. It could go either way.

He pushed the troubling thoughts from his mind and concentrated on the world through which he moved. Swimming parallel to the ripples in the sand, he headed northeast, across the bottom of Whaler’s Cove toward the sandstone-and-granite formation known as the Middle Reef. Neatly bisecting the cove, the reef stretched out into the Pacific to a depth of more than seventy feet. Its numerous crevasses and outcroppings provided protection for a host of undersea life, and it was there that Ben sought his treasure.

Reaching the reef, he turned north and headed into deeper water, keeping the rocks on his right-hand side. He kept his eyes trained on the changing terrain, alert for signs of his intended quarry. Ever watchful, he passed disinterestedly over the rockfish and sculpins that followed him with cautious eyes, although he paused briefly to observe a rose anemone devouring an unfortunate jelly that had drifted into its stinging grip. It was a routine act of underwater survival, yet the simple act of feeding was turned, somehow, into performance. The jelly’s ravaged and impotent tentacles swirled around the anemone’s translucent arms, each one tipped with the deepest pink, as they danced a brutal ballet. Dulled by poison, the jelly fluttered like a failing heart as it was pulled, inexorably, into what passed for the anemone’s mouth.

At thirty-seven feet he spied a flash of yellow amidst the purple and black of the rocks, and stopped. Maintaining his position in the water column, he hovered almost motionlessly as he gazed upon the tiny creature before him. Less than three inches long, it resembled nothing so much as a slice of lemon peel, a scrap perhaps tossed over the side of a boat, a bit of refuse that had drifted down to settle, randomly, on the rock below. Closer up, however, it revealed itself to be something far more interesting than a bit of rind. Its surface was covered with hundreds of tiny bumps, and a line of black spots formed a trail that originated between two cone-shaped appendages on the animal’s head and ran the length of its back, where it ended in a seven-branched spray of fernlike plumes.

As Ben observed his find, he thought, not without irritation, that its common designation—sea slug—did no justice whatsoever to the marvelousness of its design. The slug, moving nearly imperceptibly over the surface of the reef, presumably cared little about its name, but Ben was offended for it. He preferred its more noble, and accurate, classification of nudibranch, and liked even more its full proper name of Archidoris montereyenis, the Monterey dorid. He considered it the local representative of its genus, native to their very own Monterey Bay and therefore deserving of celebrity status.

The nudibranch, with admirable focus, was feeding. Although its outward appearance suggested a complete lack of activity, Ben knew that on its underside its ribbon of cartilaginous teeth was scraping away at the encrusting marine sponges that dotted the surface of the rock. From time to time, it revealed itself to be engaged by the furling and unfurling of its delicate branchial plume, like a flower blooming over and over again.

The creature was perfect in its design, which is why he had fallen in love with it, and with all its kind, upon their first meeting. Common to all of the world’s oceans, the nudibranchs nonetheless remained objects of mystery. Although they were frequently photographed due to their uncommon beauty and their habit of remaining for a long time in one spot, making them excellent subjects, their lives were largely unrecorded. It was suspected that they contained within themselves numerous compounds with medical applications, only a few of which were even in the beginning stages of study. It was to unlocking their mysteries that Ben had devoted his life.

He left the yellow dorid to its feasting and continued on. Having found one nudibranch, he now saw that the rocks were speckled with them. Some were identical to the first, but there were others as well: the ghostly white Discodoris, phantom of the reefs; Dialula sandie-gensis, spotted black like an undersea cow; tiny orange Rostanga. The various species existed side by side, each concerned only with locating and consuming its particular food source, few of which were shared. Ben had once counted seventeen distinct species on the reef in a single dive. It was believed that the waters of Whaler’s Cove were home to more than thirty.

Among them, there was one with which Ben was enamored more than the others. He looked for it now. Unlike its kin, it was seldom so public in its appearances, preferring to remain tucked into less accessible places like a camera-shy starlet. Like Garbo. He had never seen one roaming freely on a rock; always they were discretely situated. But over time he had developed a knack for finding them, primarily by blocking out all other images from his mind so that only the one he sought registered on his vision.

It took him fifteen minutes of searching, and several false starts, before he located what he was after. When he found it, it was not on the rock but affixed to a piece of kelp that had somehow been removed from its stalk and now lay on the sandy bottom like a discarded length of ribbon. The nudibranch was moving across it, a bright spot of white against the dark green background. Having found its preferred food in the form of a scalelike sponge that barnacled the kelp leaf in dime-sized patches, it was in no hurry to go elsewhere.

Less than an inch in length, the animal was milky in color, almost translucent; Ben could see the green of the kelp beneath it through the nudibranch’s outer edges. The perimeter was lined in startling yellow, and a row of similarly colored spots ringed the creature’s body. Its rhinophores, the hornlike structures at its anterior end, were pure black.

Cadlina flavomaculata—the yellow-spotted Cadlina—although in its case he broke from his preference for accurate scientific nomenclature and called it Devil Horns, a name of his own invention. It was his favorite, for reasons he found difficult to put into words. True, it was the first species he had found on his own, without a more experienced diver to point it out. But something about it enchanted him, its ethereal appearance and incongruous assemblage of multicolored parts. Perhaps its reticence to be observed.

Cadlina. Caddie. His joy faltered at the thought. Caddie. His daughter. Soon to arrive back in his life. He’d gone beneath the water to escape his fears over her imminent arrival. He realized now that it was a futile effort. How could he possibly forget the child named for the object of his fascination?

A shadow, larger than usual, floated slowly across the kelp leaf, eclipsing the tiny moon of the nudibranch. Turning his head, Ben looked up in time to watch as a leopard shark, its belly a pale, luminous silver, passed a dozen feet above him. Although not at all uncommon to the waters of Monterey, a sighting of the shark was not something to pass off as an everyday occurrence. The creatures were timid, easily startled, and particularly leery of the bubbles produced by divers.

For this reason, Ben slowed his breathing, wanting to prolong the shark’s visit for as long as possible. Perhaps sensing this, it turned and circled back, providing him a glimpse of its slitted gold-brown eyes. He saw then that there were two others accompanying it. The three companions moved in unison, their powerful tails snaking from side to side, their gills fluttering. Smaller fish moved away as the larger predators pressed, disinterested, through their midst, coming together again in the safety of schools once the danger had passed.

As the dark-spotted sharks turned once more and headed for open ocean, Ben gave a contented sigh, releasing the air he had been holding in his lungs and sending a net of bubbles surfaceward. Perhaps, he thought, the sharks were an omen of good luck. He hoped so. He knew he would need all the luck he could get.

When he looked back to the kelp blade, he found that the nudibranch was in the process of laying eggs. It had secreted a small ribbon of them, the beginning of what would become a spiraling wreath containing thousands. Exhibiting the same lack of urgency it applied to all of its activities, the nudibranch seemed fully prepared to continue its work for as many hours as it took.

Ben left it to its endeavors and turned back toward shallower water. Although he had enough air left in his tanks to allow him another half hour, he sensed the protective magic of the cove fading. His calm had been disturbed by the thoughts of Caddie, and he knew it was futile to try and banish the memories now that they had surfaced.

He swam back in more quickly than he had gone out, following the channel that ran down the center of the cove. As he wound his way through the kelp stalks, he noted the changes in landscape, the transition from rock to sand, the thinning of the kelp forest into more open spaces. Sand dollars, martialed in rows like silent soldiers, dutifully faced the current, while elsewhere nervous shrimp peered out from beneath protective ledges.

As his depth decreased, he released air from both his suit and his buoyancy control vest to offset the change in pressure. He attempted to remain submerged for as long as possible, until, at six feet, he found it impossible to stay down. Only then did his head break the surface, returning him to the world above.

He had made it almost all the way in. The boat ramp that provided access to the water was less than ten yards away. He swam to it and floated on his back as he removed first one fin and then the other. Then, standing, he walked slowly up the mossy ramp, sometimes using the rocks to balance himself as a small wave washed over the concrete. He’d slipped on it enough times to know that it could be treacherous, and the last thing he needed was a trip to the emergency room. He could hear Carol now, accusing him of doing it on purpose for some unspecified, but implied, selfish reason. He hoped Caddie had not inherited her mother’s talent for finding malice where none existed.

Only when he was safely at the top of the ramp did he remove his mask and allow the regulator to fall from his mouth. A safe diver is a diver who comes back to dive another day, he told himself. Another ridiculous mantra drummed into his head all those years ago by his instructor. More junk from the old attic.

His old Volvo was parked in the lot, which was quickly filling up with cars. With only fifteen teams of divers allowed into the Pt. Lobos Reserve per day, competition was fierce for reservations, especially in the summer. As Ben walked toward his aging station wagon, he saw other divers regarding him suspiciously. Park rules dictated that, for increased safety, divers dive in pairs; you couldn’t even get past the ranger station unaccompanied by a buddy. As a solo diver, Ben knew he was an object of both concern and envy. Long ago he had stopped feeling the need to explain to the curious that his scientific credentials and affiliation with the nearby Hopkins Marine Station research center exempted him from the restrictions placed on recreational divers.

“Hey, Ben. Anything to see?”

Opening the back of the wagon, Ben turned and sat down, releasing the straps on his BC and slipping it from his shoulders before answering.

“Couple of fish,” he said. “Lots of water.”

The man speaking to him grinned. “I see you lost your buddy again,” he said. “How many does that make?”

“Oh, I guess about ninety-two,” said Ben thoughtfully.

He and the man laughed.

“How are you, Davis?” Ben asked.

Davis Huffinsen nodded. “Can’t complain,” he said.

The ranger stood to one side, watching the divers preparing to enter the water. He and Ben had been friends for a dozen years, but Davis had been a ranger at Pt. Lobos for twice that length of time. Although there was little he didn’t know about the park and its history, he had never visited the underwater portion of the reserve, something Ben found unimaginable.

“When are we going to get you wet?” he asked, as he always did.

“Maybe in the fall,” answered Davis, giving the answer that varied only according to whatever season followed the current one.

“One of these days you’ll say yes,” Ben said. “And I’ll drop dead of shock.”

“Well, we can’t have that,” replied Davis. “So maybe I’ll have to stay a drylander.”

After unzipping his dry suit, Ben gently pulled his hands through the latex seals that surrounded his wrists and then did the same with the seal around his neck, lifting it up and over his head to free himself. Once the suit was off, he unzipped the insulating undergarment. The sun warmed his skin, and the light breeze cooled his body, now uncomfortably warm without the cooling effects of the water.

“Got here early,” Davis remarked. “Looking for something special?”

“Just wanted to beat the crowds,” said Ben. He paused. “Actually, my daughter is coming today,” he added, surprised at himself for revealing the information.

“Daughter?” said Davis. “Since when do you have a daughter? Don’t you need a wife for that?”

Ben smiled. “Had one of those too,” he said. “It was a long time ago.”

“How old?” asked Davis. “The girl, not the wife.”

Ben thought a moment. “Sixteen,” he answered.

Davis whistled. “Good luck,” he said. “I remember when mine were sixteen. Darn near killed them. What’s she like?”

Ben sighed. “I don’t know,” he said.

Davis shot him a glance.

“It’s a long story,” said Ben. “And I don’t have time to tell it.” He put his wet gear into the large plastic tubs he carried expressly for that purpose, laid his tank alongside them, and shut the door.

“All right then,” Davis said. “Guess I’ll be seeing you later.”

“Later,” Ben said, waving briefly as he got into the car.

He backed the car out and, nodding at Davis once more, headed for the park entrance. As he went up the dirt road toward the ranger station, he wondered what had prompted him to tell the ranger about Caddie’s arrival. He’d kept her a secret for so long, why reveal her existence now?

“They had to find out sometime,” he said to himself.

He looked at the clock. It was half past eleven. Carol had said she’d be in Monterey sometime after one. That gave him just enough time to get home, clean up a little, and be ready for Caddie’s arrival.

“Who are you kidding?” he asked aloud as he passed the ranger station and headed for the highway. “You’re never going to be ready.”

“Could you please put that window up?” Caddie looked over at her mother. “Why?”

“Because I don’t need to air-condition the entire state of California,” her mother answered. The lines around her mouth were beginning to show again, the buttresses of Botox crumbling. Soon, Caddie knew, she would go for another treatment and her face would once more be wrinkle free and expressionless.

“I like the wind,” Caddie objected.

Her mother pressed a button to raise the window. Caddie countered by pressing her own button. The window stalled; Caddie wondered if perhaps she could start a fire by keeping the machinery inside the car door fighting against itself. Then her mother would be forced to stop, to turn around, to go back.

“Why must you be so difficult?” her mother snapped, jabbing at another button with a manicured nail.

The button beneath Caddie’s finger ceased to work, its functions deadened by the override on the driver’s side. The window slid up soundlessly, sealing the car off from the outside. Immediately, Caddie felt the artificial coolness of the air-conditioning slip its chilling arms around her. She shuddered and glared at her mother.

“If the Goddess wanted us to live in bubbles, she wouldn’t have created the outdoors,” she said.

Behind her sunglasses, Carol shut her eyes momentarily and tightened her grip on the Lexus’s wheel. She felt her skin slide over the bones of her cheeks. She knew it was slipping, like snow perched on the edge of a mountain. She would have to make an appointment with Dr. Karsegian when she got back.

Caddie reached over and turned the car’s radio from the classical station Carol preferred to something raucous and nerve-jangling. Carol’s first instinct was to change it back, but she’d already won one battle with her daughter. If listening to terrible music meant an otherwise stress-free remainder of the trip, she could endure it. Maybe.

“I was supposed to go see them with Sam and Bree this weekend,” Caddie said, turning up the volume.

“See who?” asked Carol, her head beginning to throb.

“Them,” Caddie answered, nodding toward the radio. She began to sing along with the music. “ ‘I remember when you told me that you never dream in color,’ ” she warbled.

They passed a road sign—MONTEREY 25—and Carol looked at the car’s clock. They were right on time. With a little luck, she could be back in L.A. in time for dinner. As long as Ben didn’t cause any problems. But Ben always caused problems. No, she corrected herself, he didn’t cause problems, he was the problem. Ben never caused anything; he was the most passive–aggressive man she’d ever known, like a stubborn dog who pretended not to understand when you asked it to perform something as simple as sit.

“ ‘Don’t you see how blind you are?’ ” Caddie sang, loudly and badly.

For a moment, Carol thought her daughter was speaking to her. Then she saw that Caddie was looking out the window, one hand smacking forcefully against her knee. Carol noted the nails, bitten to nothing, and resisted the urge to lecture. It wasn’t her problem. Caddie wasn’t her problem. At least not for the summer.

Let Ben worry about her nails, she thought. Not that he would. Not Ben. He probably wouldn’t even notice their daughter’s nails. Carol wondered if he would even recognize Caddie if he saw her in a crowd of other teenage girls, if she wasn’t presented to him and identified, like one of his specimens.

That wasn’t fair, she told herself, at least not entirely. Ben hadn’t been the most attentive father, it was true, but he wasn’t entirely disinterested in his child. He was just, well, Ben. People as a whole didn’t particularly interest him. She didn’t know why. She’d tried to figure it out at first, when they were dating, when they were first married. She’d believed then that something terrible had happened to him to shut him off from humanity, some great trauma that, when addressed, would transform him into a loving partner.

But there was nothing. No horrible family. No childhood abuse or emotional cataclysm that might account for his behavior. Despite all of her searching, she found nothing. And so she had decided to shock him into caring with a baby. No man, she was sure, could stare into the face of his own child and not be moved to feelings of overwhelming love.

She’d even allowed him to name her, hesitating only a moment when he’d suggested Cadlina. She should have known then that she’d made a grave error in believing him capable of relating to another human being. Who, after all, named a child after a slug? But she’d allowed it, comforting herself with the fact that the obvious nickname—Caddie—was not so bad.

As if sensing her mother’s thoughts, Caddie turned toward Carol. “We could just go home,” she said. “We don’t have to keep going.”

For the first time in months, Carol agreed with her daughter. They could just go home. But, she reminded herself, home had not been a particularly enjoyable place of late. Without looking at Caddie she said, “I don’t think so.”

Reflected in the rearview mirror, she saw Caddie’s eyes darken. Then the inevitable. “I hate you.”

And I hate you, she wanted to reply. You hate me and I hate you. That makes us even. But no mother would say such a thing. Still, she felt it, and knew that countless mothers before her had felt the same thing. Perhaps one or two had even said so. But it couldn’t be true. No parent hated their child; they only hated what passed between them. And that part was true. She did hate the dark chasm that had grown, seemingly overnight, between her and Caddie.

“He doesn’t even want me,” Caddie continued.

“He wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t,” said Carol instantly.

They both knew that was a lie. Caddie didn’t even attempt an objection. Instead, she looked out the window and remarked, “Where is this place, Iowa? It’s all farms.”

“They grow a lot of produce around here,” Carol said. “Artichokes. Strawberries.” She couldn’t think of anything else, and she knew Caddie was hardly impressed anyway. “Garlic,” she added quickly. “There’s some kind of garlic festival every year.”

“Garlic,” Caddie repeated. “That’s super. Neato.”

She pressed her forehead against the window. Outside, the green fields rolled by, seemingly without end. I’m being sent to the farm, she thought grimly. I got myself knocked up, and now I’m going to live with Aunt Bea and Uncle Henry.

If only I were knocked up, she thought. She’d know how to take care of that. But this—thing—with her mother was unfixable. It was like she’d woken up one day a different person. Maybe I’m a changeling, she told herself. Maybe the fairies will come and steal me back.

She thought of Sam and Bree back in L.A. They’d had plans. Well, sort of plans. Ideas, anyway. The details would have worked themselves out. But then her mother had dropped the bomb. “You’re going to live with your father for the summer.”

Caddie remembered with some small satisfaction her comeback. “What father?”

“There’s the ocean,” her mother said.

“Big deal,” said Caddie. “It’s the same ocean we have in L.A.”

“Three months isn’t going to kill you,” Carol said. “It might even be fun.”

Caddie looked at her. “If he’s so much fun, how come you didn’t stay married to him?” she asked.

She didn’t want an answer, and she didn’t get one. Her parents’ divorce was a closed subject. It just hadn’t worked out.

Three months. Three long months. Three long boring months. With her father. The prospect was in no way appealing. She tried to remember the last time she’d even seen her father. It had been at least a year. He’d been in L.A. for some kind of conference. They’d had dinner. He’d talked about something she didn’t understand. Squid, maybe. Or clams. He hadn’t asked her about herself at all. She’d been relieved when it was over.

Suddenly, she was overcome with a kind of panic at the prospect of living for three months with a man who spoke of nothing but clams. Turning to her mother, she said softly, “Please don’t make me go.”

For a moment, the hardness that surrounded her mother like a shell softened. Just for a moment, Caddie thought that she would acquiesce, swing the car around, and speed back to Los Angeles, where all would be forgiven. And then it passed, just as quickly, and Caddie knew she would not beg again.

Instead, she turned once more to the window. She told herself that it was a television screen, the images passing by nothing more than some program that could be changed at will, turned to some other, more interesting show. The blank shoreline, the soundless sea, the sky so flat and blue and soulless, all of them could be made to disappear with the press of a button, replaced by laughing voices and excitement, the thrill of nighttime in Los Angeles and the joy of being with Sam and Bree, who understood her without asking and didn’t make her feel somehow broken and a disappointment.

She closed her eyes tightly. She was dreaming. She would wake up, open her eyes, and find herself asleep in her own room. She would pick up her cell phone, type out a text message, make plans for later that evening. A movie, perhaps. Maybe flirting with guys whose bravado they would test with darting eyes and laughter. Anything but the endless sand and monotonous ocean. Anything.

Her jaw clenched, and roaring filled her ears. She would stop time, reverse it, travel back to fifteen when things between her and her mother were only difficult, not impossible. She would know better this time, know when to stop. She would not make the same mistakes.

I won’t, she promised. I won’t I won’t I won’t.

She opened her eyes. For just a moment, she’d believed herself capable of magic. Now, reminded of her inability to bend the world to her will, she succumbed to ordinary sullenness.

“Look,” her mother said. “A mall.”

Caddie, lured into looking out the window, saw only a faded Kmart sign rising from the expanse of a parking lot. Surrounding the store were others like it: Bed Bath & Beyond, Barnes & Noble, Jamba Juice.

“That’s not a mall,” she said scornfully. “That’s a shopping center.”

Her mother made no argument. Again Caddie thought of home, of the Beverly Center and its floors of shops. The withered Kmart passed from her view like one of the tired, washed-out hookers on the wrong end of Hollywood Boulevard. She imagined it filled with fat-assed women in too-tight sweatpants, dragging screaming children down the aisles as they searched for deodorants and cheap flip-flops. I might as well be in Van Nuys, she thought.

She wished she’d remembered to get some pot before leaving. Probably she could find some somewhere in Monterey; you could find pot anywhere, but she was almost certain it wouldn’t be any good. Probably just some shit grown by an old Deadhead in his backyard between the tomato plants and zucchini.

She didn’t even have her cell phone. Her mother had taken it away, fearing—rightly—that she would use it to phone Sam and Bree and hatch some sort of escape plan. Not that she couldn’t use any old phone, but the absence of her cell did make her feel adrift. It just seemed too much effort to actually dial, and she couldn’t remember the numbers anyway. Speed dial had reduced her memory for such things to nothing.

“Fuck,” she said loudly.

“Watch your mouth,” said Carol rotely.

“Whatever,” Caddie said, equally without enthusiasm. They were, both of them, too tired even for the most basic of skirmishes.

Carol turned the Lexus from the highway, exiting into Monterey. The scrubby pine trees and sand dunes were replaced by actual grass, and a town materialized seemingly out of nowhere. Caddie gazed at it hostilely, daring