From the beloved author of Memoirs of an Imaginary Friend comes a wonderful new novel about a struggling man, written entirely in lists.
1. Daniel Mayrock loves his wife Jill…more than anything. 2. Dan quit his job and opened a bookshop. 3. Jill is ready to have a baby. 4. Dan is scared; the bookshop isn't doing well. Financial crisis is imminent. 5. Dan hasn't told Jill about their financial trouble. He's ashamed. 6. Then Jill gets pregnant.
This heartfelt story is about the lengths one man will go to and the risks he will take to save his family. But Dan doesn't just want to save his failing bookstore and his family's finances―he wants to become someone.
1. Dan wants to do something special. 2. He's a man who is tired of feeling ordinary. 3. He's sick of feeling like a failure. 4. Of living in the shadow of his wife's deceased first husband.
Dan is also an obsessive list maker, and his story unfolds entirely in his lists, which are brimming with Dan's hilarious sense of humor, unique world-view, and deeply personal thoughts. When read in full, his lists paint a picture of a man struggling to be a man, a man who has reached a point where he's willing to anything for the love (and soon-to-be new love) of his life.
Release date:
November 19, 2019
Publisher:
St. Martin's Publishing Group
Print pages:
352
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Refuse to have sexFake orgasmsWear a condom without her knowledgeGet a vasectomy without her knowledgeRealistic ways to keep Jill from getting pregnant
Fake orgasmsNOVEMBER 2 6:00 AM
Finances
Savings: 11,562
Income
What I tell Jill: 1,800
Reality: 773
Jill: 2,900
Expenses
Mortgage: 2,206
Toyota: 276
Honda: 318
Car insurance: 175
Student loans: 395
Cable and Internet: 215
Electric: 85
Oil: 775! (WTF?)
Phones: 180
Gas: 120
Other stuff: Too much
Number of months before we run out of money
9
Number of months before Jill thinks we will run out of money
Never
Number of minutes per hour that I worry about running out of money
52 (approximately)
NOVEMBER 4 6:00 AM
DAYS WITHOUT
NOVEMBER 4 8:10 AM
5 Problems with Lying
We lie most often to the people we love.There is no greater shame than getting caught in a lie.A lie often requires additional lies, making it impossible to ever come clean.Liars are the worst human beings.Lies always cover up the worst parts of you.NOVEMBER 4 8:40 AM
How liars with the best intentions are like the owners of every iteration of Jurassic Park
They never set out to hurt anyone.
They operate with enormous hubris.
Denial both perpetuates and intensifies the problem.
The situation inevitably gets worse and worse as time goes by.
The end is never pretty.
Serious question about all Jurassic Park movies
Why not create only plant-eating dinosaurs? Are brontosauruses and stegosauruses really not exciting enough?
How the brontosaurus is like purgatory
The brontosaurus was a dinosaur, then it wasn’t a dinosaur, but now it might be a dinosaur after all.
NOVEMBER 4 9:30 AM
A New Chapter Picks of the Month for November
Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson (Jim Hawkins was the John McClane of his day)
Ready Player One by Ernest Cline (Ernest Cline apparently lives in my teenage brain)
Open: An Autobiography by Andre Agassi
World War Z by Max Brooks
Ballistics: Poems by Billy Collins
Preferred Choice of Name for Billy Collins (best to worst)
Billy Collins
Will Collins
Bill Collins
William Collins
Willy Collins
Preferred Choice of Name for Me (best to worst)
Dan Mayrock
Daniel Mayrock
ANYTHING ELSE
Danny Mayrock
Nicknames for William that the Internet says are real but are not
Liam
Wills
Wylie
NOVEMBER 5 11:30 AM
Einstein’s Conditions Upon Which He Agreed to Remain Married to His Wife for the Sake of the Children
CONDITIONS
A. You will make sure:
that my clothes and laundry are kept in good order;that I will receive my three meals regularly in my room;that my bedroom and study are kept neat, and especially that my desk is left for my use only.B. You will renounce all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons. Specifically, You will forego:
my sitting at home with you;my going out or travelling with you.C. You will obey the following points in your relations with me:
you will not expect any intimacy from me, nor will you reproach me in any way;you will stop talking to me if I request it;you will leave my bedroom or study immediately without protest if I request it.D. You will undertake not to belittle me in front of our children, either through words or behavior.
Conditions Upon Which I Will Agree to Remain Married to Jill (also a real list)
CONDITIONS
A. You will allow me to continue to be your husband.
B. You won’t kill me in my sleep.
Cosmopolitan and Sex
Number of times I’ve seen a Cosmo cover advertising an article featuring triple-digit sex tips: 9
Number of times I’ve been tempted to purchase one of these magazines for the sex tips: 9
Number of times I’ve bought one of these magazines for the sex tips: 3
Total number of sex tips in combined magazines that I have purchased: 304
Total number of useful sex tips: 1
Total number of useful sex tips in Jill’s opinion: 0
NOVEMBER 6 4:20 PM
Text messages from Jill at lunchtime
I wish Jasper wasn’t so stupid. How do idiots become principals?
The usual stupid stuff. Can’t keep his lies straight. Selfish assholery.
You’re lucky you escaped this place.
I miss you being here. I liked seeing you during the day.
No, I’m fine. Stay there. Sell books.
Seriously, I’m good. I have Julie and Lisa and tomato soup.
Can you pick up dog food on the way home from the store? Blue Buffalo.
I don’t want to hear it. Clarence deserves the best.
The size of gummy worms compared to the size of gummy bears makes me question the whole gummy universe.
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