Through the Mirrorball

Book 2: Wonderland

by Rob Browatzke

Genres: LGBT Gay

Synopsis

More booze. More drugs. More sex. Welcome back to Wonderland… Alex thought he’d finally found the love of his life. But ever since saving his boyfriend Steven from a kidnapper, he’s returned to his own warped version of a twelve-step program. Step one: Stock up on gin. Step two: Score some blow from the Caterpillar. Step three: Dance the night away. Steps four through twelve: Repeat…repeat…repeat…. Sure, Alex knows he’s on a downward spiral. But he doesn’t realize how far he’s fallen until he attends his girlfriend Dinah’s bachelorette party—in Wonderland. The hottest, craziest dance club in town, it’s packed with painful reminders of Alex’s mistakes. Overwhelmed, Alex spins further out of control, until a face from the past comes back to haunt him. When his life—what’s left of it—is put in jeopardy again, Alex is forced to take a good hard look in the mirror—to save his friends, his lovers…and himself. Don’t miss Wonderland, the wonderfully wild debut by Rob Browatzke

Release date: May 26, 2015

Publisher: Lyrical Press

Print pages: 178

Sample

The morning after I rescued Steven was perhaps the best morning of my life. All the trauma, all the drama, of the past week was over, and it was just us again. Together. The way we belonged.

I woke up before him, and lay there in bed, watching him sleep. It had been such a hellish week, starting with that fight, and then him disappearing, all the calls tormenting me, and then that final confrontation with Nathan that left him bleeding out on the floor.

Nathan. I still couldn’t believe it had been him. It had been more than a decade since I’d seen him, since I had even thought of him. For him to have been carrying all that crazy hatred inside for all that time boggled my mind, and he had unleashed the full brunt of it on the man sleeping next to me. The man I loved. My Steven.

I did love him, more than anything. The sexcapades of the previous week, from the stupid, coked-up threesome with Jesse and Colton, to the White Night encounter with Aaron, to that drunken four-way, and then that one last time with Aaron, none of it meant anything. Aaron didn’t mean anything. Him showing up, back in my life, during all that had happened, had just messed with my already vulnerable emotions. We had spent six years together, six years, and I guess, one night.

That was all behind me now. Behind us. All the drugs, all the sex, it was done. My ring was on Steven’s finger. Even if Nathan had been the one who put it there, Steven wore it, and I meant what it meant. We were for good, me and Steven. We had already endured the “for worse”; it was all “for better” from here on out.

He stirred in his sleep, and then sat up, bolted up more like, startled and panicked and gasping for air. I reached out to him, and he saw me, and I saw the fear fade from his face. It would take a while, I knew, for him to believe he was safe again. Hearing him tell the police yesterday about everything Nathan had done to him, the abuse, the torture, it had broken my heart. He had had to endure that because of me. It was out of my past Nathan had come crawling, getting a sadistic revenge for an accidental adolescent touch (and for some not-so-accidental touches from his dad and dad’s friends, it turned out). But still, it was my fault. Steven had had to suffer because of me, and I had my life to spend making it up to him.

I put my hand on his shoulder and he fell onto my chest, and we sat there, in his bed, and I held him tightly. I wouldn’t let him go ever again.

“I love you,” I said. “You’re safe.”

“I love you,” he said. “I know.” He was breathing easier now. “I forgot where I was for a moment. I thought . . .”

“I know what you thought. It’s okay. It’s going to take time.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I know I said it lots last night, but thank you. For finding me.”

That was so Steven, to focus on me finding him rather than everything that had happened while he was gone. Everything had come out last night, the drugs and the sex and how Aaron had been masquerading as the Queen of Hearts at Wonderland. We were still numb and in shock, and it had just come out, added to the pile of stuff for us to deal with, later, when we were home, when we were safe, when Nathan was in jail.

I was so glad he wasn’t dead. I hated him for what he had done, but I was glad I hadn’t killed him. When the gun went off, I thought he was dead, and the thought that I had taken a life was almost too much.

“Are you hungry?” I asked. “Can I make you something to eat?”

“You don’t cook,” Steven said, with a smile on his face. “I’ll cook.”

“We could go out,” I said. “It’s Sunday morning. We could catch brunch at the Duchess.”

“Not today,” Steven said. “I . . . I can’t . . . yet. Next week. Everyone will just have so many questions. I can’t face that today.”

“Okay. Whatever you want. We’ll stay in.”

“We’ll have to talk to the police more,” he said. “That will be bad enough, having to relive it all.”

“We’ll take it easy. You don’t have to do anything until you’re ready. No one expects you to.”

“Thank you, Alex,” he said again, and he wove his hand with mine. I could feel the ring on his finger.

Things would be okay.

Saturday morning brunch at the Duchess was a tradition, and the boys were already there when we arrived. Jesse and Colton had brought along the boy they’d taken home from Wonderland the night before. He was a pretty little ginger kid, with a beard that seemed out of place on his baby face. They’d also brought along Walter, which I still had a problem with, but I was willing to overlook what he had done; God knows I had done enough things that were getting overlooked. Brandon was flying solo, having sworn off men in the week since he’d last seen Allan. Dinah and Christopher showed up just as we were sitting down, and there were hugs all around.

“I’d like to propose a toast,” Jesse said, and we all lifted our mimosas. “Congratulations are definitely in order.”

We clinked glasses around the table.

“Hey, did I miss a toast?” Aaron said, joining us.

“Sorry, darling,” Jesse said, “but we couldn’t wait.”

“Well, let me catch up.” He grabbed a mimosa from a passing waiter and raised his glass. “I just wanted to thank you for inviting me. I know this isn’t easy but—”

“Hey! None of that! This is a happy occasion,” Colton said. “You’re not the Queen of Hearts here, so sit down and shush.” He stuck out his tongue, and we laughed.

As we sat down, Steven squeezed my hand under the table, and I felt the ring there again. It had been his idea to invite Aaron to brunch, his idea to even go to brunch this week. He had to get things back to normal, he had said, and normal meant weekend brunches at the Duchess. It was where we went, all of us: Jesse and Colton, the Wonder Twins of Wonderland; Brandon, our favorite bartender and resident drama queen; my high school bestie Dinah and her fiancé Christopher . . . and Steven had insisted we include Aaron.

For his part in helping, Steven had said.

Sitting at the table, with Steven on my left and Aaron a few chairs over, was strange for me. When Aaron and I split up two years before, I never expected to see him again. I sure never expected to sleep with him again, and never would have guessed our connection would still be as strong as it was. I think Steven understood that. I hoped he knew it had nothing to do with what I felt for him.

We didn’t talk about Aaron. We didn’t talk about the White Night sex, high on E, or how the G that Allan had fed me had led me to a regrettable foursome with Aaron and the twins, or the even more regrettable and even more inexcusable night Aaron and I had spent together when I learned he was the Queen of Hearts, there on the fringe of my life for months.

There were lots of things we didn’t talk about. It was probably for the best. Steven had to move past this. He was the one who had been kidnapped and tortured. He was the one who had to forget and heal. Did I want him to tell me every day that he forgave me for all I had done? Yes. Would I beg for him to do that? No.

My ring was on his finger. And that was all I needed to see.

“Let’s go to Wonderland tonight,” Steven said.

“Really? Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I miss having a life. We can’t let what happened while I was gone change us completely. It’s Saturday. Let’s go drink and dance.”

Wonderland, where the Hatter played his beats, where Brandon served his booze, where the Caterpillar sold his blow. Wonderland, where Jesse and Colton danced, two gods among many gods. Wonderland, where Aaron had performed all summer as the Queen of Hearts. Wonderland, where temptation lurked in every corner, along with a bit of regret and a whole lot of guilt.

“If you want to, sure, of course.” What else could I say? He was probably thinking everything I was thinking. But he was the one who had suffered while I frolicked, and even if those frolics had been at Nathan’s command, there was no excuse. Gin wasn’t the reason. Cocaine wasn’t the reason. Even Nathan wasn’t the reason. I had fucked up.

“Text the guys,” Steven said. “I’m going to go get pretty.”

“You’re always pretty.” It was true. He was beautiful.

He smiled. “Love you.”

I texted Jesse, Colton, and Brandon while Steven showered and changed. Their reaction was a collective “really? Already?” What could I say? Steven wanted to. Didn’t they know I had to do whatever Steven wanted? Was I just convincing myself of that, though? The tightness in my chest wasn’t about being at a club. It was about seeing the Caterpillar. He would be there, with his Baggies, and Steven would see him, and Steven would look at me, and his look would be disapproving.

And part of me wanted to taste that white-fire rush.

But no. Sampling the Caterpillar’s wares had been fine when I was single, but it had nearly brought Steven and me to an end. No more. Never again.

Steven held my hand as we walked down the stairs into Wonderland. Thump thump thump went the bass and I tensed up. He looked at me and smiled. “It’s good,” he said. “We’re good.” He kissed my cheek and we were swallowed up by the crowds. Jesse picked me up and swung me around, and Colton did the same to Steven.

“So glad you guys are finally out and about again! We’ve missed you! Let’s dance!”

They dragged us onto the dance floor, a tightly packed throng of eager disciples, swaying back and forth to the Hatter’s music. He was there, in his booth, in his hat, and my eye met his, and he smiled. This hat was tall and green and white. Every night, a different hat.

We danced, and then had a drink, and then danced, and then had a drink, and a shot, and then danced, and drank, and danced and drank. It was like it was the first time, and there was no tension, and no drama, and no temptation. Just Steven and me, our friends, the music, and laughter. Why had I even been worried?

“Another drink?” Steven yelled to me over the music.

“Please,” I said, “I’m just going to use the men’s room.”

“I’m glad we’re here.”

“Me too!”

He pulled me close and kissed me. My face flushed, and I was grinning like a fool as I went to the bathroom.

After I was done, I turned around at the urinal, and there he was: the Caterpillar.

“Hey,” he said. “Long time, no see.”

I ignored him and washed my hands.

“Oh, you’re done again?” He had heard it before, and the tone in his voice was knowing.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“C’mon, Alex. What’s one little bump?” He pulled a Baggie out of one of his many pockets and waved it in front of me. I saw a vision in my head, me reaching out, taking the bag, taking a bump, flying high as the white fire burned through me, Steven finding the bag, Steven screaming, Steven leaving me. Once I went down that rabbit hole, there was no coming back.

“Go away.”

I walked out of the bathroom, vibrating. It was stupid, I told myself. It was fun, before. The fun was over. Craving it was ridiculous. I wasn’t an addict.

I fought my way through the crowd, waving at Brandon behind the bar. Where had Steven got to? And why did his not being right there, right away, still send a panic through me? He wouldn’t get kidnapped again. Nathan was in jail. He had pled guilty. There was no trial coming. It was over.

And there Steven was, talking to . . . Aaron?

Yes, we had hung out, all of us, brunches, a dinner party at Dinah’s . . . but seeing Steven, talking to Aaron, Aaron’s hand on Steven’s shoulder, Steven’s head thrown back in laughter as Aaron said something funny . . . Was I really jealous? Of course I was. There were only three men I had loved in my whole life, and this was two of them, and seeing them together, I thought of the third, and seeing Taylor’s face in my mind reminded me of Nathan, and where, oh where, was the Caterpillar?

“Alex! There you are!” Steven grabbed my hand and pulled me over. “Look who I found! Here’s your drink.” He passed me my gin cran and I smiled and pushed down the fear and the jealousy. For Steven. I could be strong for Steven.

Steven was gone when I woke up, and for a second, I panicked. Maybe I was coming out of another nightmare. In the month since Steven had come back, his sleep had gone back to normal. Mine, on the other hand, had taken a turn for the worse.

It was Nathan bringing up Taylor that had done it. I hadn’t thought about Taylor in so long. I didn’t let myself think about Taylor. He had been my first love, and he would always have a special place in my heart, and our time together had been cut short by him putting a gun to his head.

Nathan knew all about Taylor, and how much of a wreck I had been after Taylor died. Nathan showing up like he did, talking about Taylor like he had, it was as if the years since then had simply melted away. The pain was fresh, the pain of knowing Taylor was gone and the fear that I would always be alone.

But I wasn’t alone. Steven was out for his morning run, like he did every day, and I was being stupid. I got out of bed and grabbed myself some water, and before I had even finished drinking it, Steven came in the door, panting and sweaty. He kissed me on the cheek.

“Morning, handsome,” he said. “How did you sleep?”

“Great. You?” He didn’t need to know. Th. . .