Stepping out of my car with heartbreak-heavy legs, I zip my jacket and pull on leather gloves before hefting my spade and bag from the boot: it is time. My wellingtons slip-slide across the squelching mud to the gap in the hedge. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. I shiver as I enter the forest; it’s darker than I’d thought and I take deep breaths of the pine-scented air to steady myself. I fight the urge to go home and come back in the morning, remind myself why I’m here and drive myself forwards.
My smartphone lights the way as I look out for rabbit holes I might fall down. I take giant steps over fallen limbs of trees I’d once have hurdled. At twenty-five I’m not too old to run, but my load is cumbersome; besides, I’m in no rush to get there, I was never supposed to do this alone.
I stop and rest the spade handle against my hip, splay my fingers and shake out my pins and needles. There’s a rustling in the bushes and I have a sense of being watched. My heart stutters as two rabbits dart out, bounding away when they see my light. ‘I’m OK,’ I reassure myself, but my voice seems loud and echoey, reminding me how alone I am.
My rucksack feels tight across my shoulders and I readjust the straps before marching on, snapping twigs underfoot. I’m beginning to think I’ve taken the wrong fork when I reach the clearing with the lightning-struck tree. I wasn’t sure it would still be here, but as I look around it seems nothing has changed – but of course, everything has. Memories of the last time I was here hit me so hard I feel winded. I sink to the ground. The dampness of the leaves and earth seep through my trousers, as the past seeps through to my present.
‘Hurry up, birthday girl, you’ll be sixteen at this rate. I’m freezing,’ Charlie had called. She’d been perched on the weathered gate at the edge of the cornfield, plastic bags strewn around her feet, blonde hair gleaming in the weak coral sun. Never patient, Charlie kicked her heels as I trudged towards her, cradling the box that contained our hopes and dreams.
‘Come on, Grace.’ She jumped down, scooped up her wares and dashed into the trees. I shifted the box under my arm and tried to keep up, following flashes of her purple coat and wafts of the Impulse body spray she always stole from her mum’s bedroom.
Branches and brambles grasped at our denim-clad legs, snagged our hair, but we kept going until we burst into the clearing.
‘Your red face matches your hair,’ Charlie laughed as I dropped the box and hunched over, resting my hands on my knees as I tried to catch my breath. Despite the cool early evening temperature, sweat beaded on my temples. Charlie upended the carrier bags: snacks, drinks, matches, a trowel and a small present, wrapped in sparkly purple paper with a ‘Fifteen Today’ sticker on it, all scattered over the crumbling earth. Smiling, she handed the gift to me. I sat cross-legged, carefully opening the ends without tearing the paper, and inched the box out. Nestled inside was half a gold heart on a chain engraved with ‘BFF’. Tears pricked my eyes as I looked at Charlie. She tugged the neck of her fleece down, revealing the other half of the heart. I fastened the chain around my throat as Charlie began to dig a hole. Always the Girl Guide, I lit a small fire. It would be even colder when the sun went down, and the evenings were drawing in quickly now. By the time the hole was deep enough, Charlie was breathless, her fingernails caked in dirt.
I carried the memory box over to the hole and placed it in the ground. We’d spent a whole Saturday choosing the contents and decorating the outside of the plastic tub, sticking on pictures from magazines of supermodels and pop stars we wanted to emulate. ‘You can never be too rich or too thin,’ Charlie said. She scooped an armful of dirt and began to cover it.
‘Wait!’ I cried. ‘I want to put this in.’ I waved the birthday wrapping paper in the air.
‘You can’t now, we’ve already sealed it.’
‘I’ll be careful.’ I slowly peeled back the Sellotape and popped off the lid. To my surprise, sitting on top of a stack of photos was a pink envelope that definitely hadn’t been there when we’d filled the box earlier. I glanced at Charlie, who was looking secretive.
‘What’s that, Charlie?’ I reached towards the envelope.
Charlie grabbed my arm. ‘Don’t.’
I pulled free, rubbing my wrist. ‘What is it?’
Charlie wouldn’t meet my eye. ‘It’s for us to read when we come back for the box.’
‘What does it say?’
Charlie snatched the wrapping paper from between my fingers and scrunched it inside the box, banging the lid on top. When Charlie didn’t want to talk about something there was little point trying to pursue it. I decided to let it go; I wouldn’t let her furtiveness spoil my birthday.
‘Drink?’ I grabbed a cider; it fizzed as I pulled back the ring, and froth spilled over the side of the can. I wiped my hand on my jeans and took a gulp; it warmed my stomach, washing away my unease.
Charlie packed the earth into the hole and pounded the surface with her trowel until it was flat, before coming to sit by my side.
The campfire crackled as we leaned against the horizontal tree trunk toasting pink marshmallows on sticks, and it wasn’t until the embers burned out that I realised how late it was.
‘We should go. I’m supposed to be home by ten.’
‘OK. A pinkie promise we’ll come back and open the box together?’ Charlie proffered her little finger and I curled mine around it before we clinked cans and drank to a promise that we didn’t know would be impossible to keep.
There is only me now. ‘Charlie,’ I whisper. ‘I wish you were here.’ Charlie’s half-heart, forever on a chain around my neck, spins around as I lean forward, as if it’s searching for its partner, desperate to be whole again. I gently lay down the wreath. The overwhelming panic that has plagued me since Charlie’s death four months ago bubbles to the surface, and I tug my scarf away from my throat so I can breathe a little easier. Am I really to blame? Am I always to blame?
Despite the January chill I feel hot, and as I pull off my gloves I think I hear Charlie’s last words echoing through the trees: I did something terrible, Grace. I hope you can forgive me.
What did she do? It can’t be any worse than what I did, but I am determined to find out what it was. I know I won’t be able to move forwards until I do. I hadn’t been sure where to begin until this morning, when I received a letter in the post in a pink envelope, which triggered a memory of the letter that Charlie hadn’t wanted me to read, hidden in the memory box. Perhaps the letter will hold some kind of clue? It will be a start, anyway. Asking people who knew her hasn’t been getting me anywhere, and besides, I’m the one who knew her best, aren’t I? I was her best friend.
But can you ever really know someone? Properly know someone?
I sit back on my heels, remaining motionless for an indeterminable time as the air cools around me. Branches swish and sway as if the trees are whispering their secrets to me, encouraging me to unearth Charlie’s.
I shake my head, scattering my thoughts, and pull my sleeve down over the heel of my hand before wiping my wet cheeks. Picking up the spade with arms that feel too heavy to be mine, I grip the handle so tightly, rockets of pain shoot through my wrists. I take a deep breath and begin to dig.
‘Mittens?’ I call to our house cat. ‘I’m home.’ Holding the memory box aloft, I squeeze down the hallway into the lounge, without knocking any of my seaside prints from the duck-egg walls. ‘There you are.’ A grey ball of fluff is nestled on the stool of the piano that Dad taught me to play, hoisting me onto the leather stool virtually as soon as I could sit unaided. We’d sit side by side, Dad and I, his huge sausage fingers surprisingly nimble as he navigated chords, while I picked out a melody. I’ll never play again. It’s still too painful to be reminded of the time I had a normal life. A normal family.
The lounge is gloomy, despite the light from the French doors. Angry clouds scud across the darkened sky outside. I flick on the light. Winter has been harsh this year and I can barely remember the sunflower summer evenings when I’d sit outside with a tall glass of Pimms, ice cubes chinking, until the solar lights glowed and bats flapped across indigo skies.
The Alfred Meakin plate I keep for special occasions is balanced on a stack of FHM lads’ magazines, dried egg yolk and ketchup masking its floral pattern. A salt pot lays prone on the floor, white granules mounded on the carpet. Dan has eaten.
I step over a balled-up bath sheet to reach the coffee table, where I slide aside the worn copy of Little Women I’m reading to Mrs Jones next door – despite her milk-bottle glasses she can no longer make out small print. I’ve almost reached the part where Beth dies and it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve read it before, I know it will make me cry. Dried mud crumbles onto the table’s cream-painted surface as I set down the memory box and I brush it onto the floor. Aged pictures of one-hit wonders and supermodels, once glued tight now hang dolefully from the plastic box; I can hardly remember half of them. My fingernail picks at the edge of the tape that seals the lid; it has lost its stickiness and lifts easily. I peel it off and smooth it back, pressing down hard with both thumbs. It doesn’t feel right opening the box without Charlie – not that I have a choice if I want to find out what’s in the pink envelope, and I do. But I feel uncomfortable all the same, as if I’m invading her privacy.
The cottage is too quiet. I put on a record. Nina Simone is feeling good. I’m glad one of us is. Dan downloads all his music but I find comfort in the old-fashioned things I grew up with, even though Grandad’s more modern than me now, with his Bose SoundDock and Blue-ray Player. I flop onto the brown leather sofa and sink into the squashiness of my mismatched cushions. The vinyl spins round and round, crackling and hissing, demanding attention, much like my memories.
It doesn’t seem as though it’s been seven years since we moved into the cottage. I had nothing else to worry about then; my life was finally going the way it was supposed to, and I became a little bit obsessed with soft furnishings. Dan had rolled his eyes every time I brought a new cushion home. ‘Dance like no one is watching, another snippet of wisdom stuffed with foam.’ He had snatched it from me and twirled it around the lounge, holding it at arm’s length.
‘Nobody wants to watch when you dance,’ I’d told him at the time. He’d tickled me until we sank to the floor, tugging at each other’s clothes until he was on me, in me, and my back burned from the friction of the red swirled carpet we’ve since replaced with a chocolate-brown pile. Afterwards, we snuggled in the multicoloured throws that adorned the back of the sofa, and munched on Hawaiian pizza. I’d told Dan to order a pepperoni – he’s never understood fruit on savoury food but he knew I loved the sweet and salty combination.
It seems a long time now since we laughed like that. Loved like that. Grief has pushed us apart like repelling magnets: no matter how hard we try to reach each other, there’s a gulf between us that we just can’t bridge.
Mittens sits up and arches her back, legs rigid, reminding me I have missed yet another yoga class. There’s nothing quite as corrosive as guilt; it eats away at you from the inside out. I should know – remorse is my middle name; I should have been born a Catholic. Mittens leaps off the stool, in the graceful way that only cats can, and with a feed-me-now meow, butts her head against my calves.
I trail after her into the kitchen. The stench of stale oil hangs in the air, and the sink, shiny and clean when I left it, is now half-full of stagnant water. A saucepan handle rises up like a signpost: wash me. I reach over and crack open the sash window. Icy air filters through from the back garden; snow has been forecast for tomorrow. I flick on the kettle and scoop up two cracked eggshells, their slime oozing over the wooden work surface, and drop them in the overflowing pedal bin. I’ll have to empty it later. I wipe down the work surface and rinse a cup, wishing again that Dan didn’t use a clean one every time he makes a drink. We don’t have a dishwasher – unless you count me, of course, which I’m sure Dan does. Our kitchen is tiny, or, ‘compact but functional’, as Dan would say if this were one of the houses he was trying to sell. We barely have room for cabinets, but I love our pantry, which houses everything we need.
I dip my hand inside the tea caddy; it connects with the cool metal at the bottom. The light inside the fridge illuminates almost empty shelves as I open the door. What can I make out of half a tub of goat’s cheese and a shrivelled red pepper? Dan will come home after football and expect dinner to be waiting. Actually, that’s unfair, he never asks me to cook; it’s just assumed that I will. I always do. I push away the memory of the time we no longer talk about. The time when I could barely remember my own name, let alone how to operate an oven. I’m coping now. I really am.
I scrawl ‘tea bags’ onto the never-ending shopping list that’s stuck to the fridge door by the ‘STOP’ magnet, the one with the picture of the pig on it. Dan bought the magnet for me last year – to support me, he said, as I gave up on yet another diet. The glossy magazines I pore over don’t help. Telling me on one page I’m the average size for a UK woman, that size fourteen is not fat, and yet on the next page printing photos of emaciated models, all jutting collarbones and hollow cheeks. I keep the magnet as a constant reminder that I should lose ten pounds. I never do.
Mittens weaves between my ankles, urging me to pick up her empty bowl. There is one pouch of cat food left in the cupboard. I scrape it into her dish and measure out biscuits while she mews impatiently.
I watch Mittens eating unselfconsciously, in the way that animals do. She’s been such a comfort to me since Charlie died. I’ve taken more solace from her silence than I have from Dan’s clumsy words. I hadn’t intended to get a pet, but three years ago Grandma’s neighbour’s cat had a litter of six and I went to take some photos to show at the pre-school where I work. The kittens were adorable, and when the smallest one climbed onto my lap and fell asleep I was easily swayed into taking her home. I carried her out to my second-hand Fiesta. She sat on the passenger seat in a Walkers crisps box lined with a faded pink blanket, and squinted in the never-before-seen sun. I drove home slower than usual, parked in the potholed lane outside my cottage and shook my tingling hands. My nails had carved crescents into my palms and I remember shaking my head at myself. I looked after thirty-six four-year-old children every day. A kitten should have been a breeze.
Once inside, I studied her as she padded fearlessly around her new home. What could I call her? As a child I had been obsessed with Beatrix Potter. Dad had read me a story every night before bed, giving all the animals accents. I’d loved hearing the antics of Tom Kitten and his sisters Moppet and Mittens. The kitten’s paws were lighter than the rest of her. Mittens seemed the perfect name; a connection to Dad.
The first time we let her out, she was nearly run over by the dustbin lorry. She’d been so scared, she wouldn’t go out again. We’d tried to encourage her into the garden, but she got so distressed each time that the vet said to leave her, she’d go out when she was ready – but she never was.
I can’t imagine what the cottage would be like without her now. I watch as she finishes her dinner and laps water with her darting pink tongue, before slinking out of the kitchen.
The kettle splutters and steams and clicks itself off, and I follow Mittens to the lounge. We sit side by side on the sofa, staring at the box. I wonder whether she remembers coming home in one.
‘Don’t worry, nothing living is in there,’ I reassure her. But that’s a lie. My memories are alive and harder to contain than a wriggling kitten.
I chew my thumbnail, half expecting Charlie to pop out with a: ‘Surprise! You didn’t really think I’d leave you?’ Loneliness engulfs me. I am one step away from tears most of the time and I don’t feel strong enough to confront the memories that I’ve stuffed away. Afraid that if I begin to remember I won’t be able to stop, and there are things I don’t want to think about. Not now. Not ever.
The cottage is a mess; I’ll clean instead. I always find cleaning therapeutic, often grateful for the opportunity to absorb myself in something other than my own thoughts. I abandon the box and start in the kitchen, roll up my sleeves and squirt washing-up liquid into the sink, twist on the hot tap. While the water rises and froths I wipe grease from the hob. When the bowl is full I plunge my hands in the water, jerk them out and flick the tap to cold to soothe my burning skin.
The pot of hand cream on the windowsill is empty. I’m sure Dan uses my toiletries, although he always denies it. I head upstairs into the second bedroom, where I keep spare lotions. When we viewed the cottage we knew we’d ask Charlie to move in, and I still think of it as her bedroom even though she never got to see it.
I find the hand lotion and rub it into my smarting skin. The lavender scent calms me, reminding me of the small bags my grandma made me as a child, when nightmares prevailed every time I closed my eyes. She would pop lavender bags in my pyjama drawer as well as under my pillow; the scent would gently escort me to sleep and watch over me all night. It has been a long time since Grandma’s arthritic fingers could sew, but comfort still smells of lavender to me.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I reach for it with slippery fingers, wedge it between my shoulder and ear and wipe my hands on my apron.
‘Hi Dan. Did you win?’
‘Yeah, three-two. I scored in the last minute.’
‘You must be pleased? It’s been ages since you scored.’
‘Thanks for reminding me…’
‘I didn’t mean…’ I pause. Pretend we’re a normal couple and choose my words carefully. ‘It’s brilliant news. I’ll get some steak and wine to celebrate.’
‘We’re already in the bar celebrating. Come down.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You’ve got to start living again sometime. Why not tonight? Everyone’s here.’
Not everyone. I think of the box resting on the table, part of Charlie – how can I go out and leave her? ‘I’ve got things to do.’
‘Fine.’ I can almost hear the rejection in his voice, and for a split second I wish I was at the club with him, sipping warm cider and laughing at jokes far too rude to repeat. ‘Don’t wait up.’
He cuts me off before I can reply that I won’t wait up. I never do.
The evening stretches before me, long and quiet, and although I haven’t yet eaten, I don’t feel hungry. In the kitchen, I open a bottle of wine. It isn’t like I can have a cup of tea, I justify to myself. I always feel a little strange drinking alone.
It’s dull in the lounge and I switch on the table lamps, dimming the harsh overhead light. The apricot glow is warming, and I sit on the sofa, legs tucked under me, resting my hand on Mittens’ sleeping form. ‘It’s just you and me tonight,’ I tell her. Looking at the box, I know that isn’t true. Charlie is everywhere.
It doesn’t take long to drain my first glass of Chardonnay, the icy liquid settling amongst the butterflies thronging in my stomach. I’m halfway through my second glass before my trembling fingers can open the box. The sheet of sparkly purple wrapping paper lies on the top; the letter’s underneath, I remember. I place the pink envelope to my nose and inhale deeply, hoping for a scent of Charlie. It smells of damp and earth. The lump I’m endlessly swallowing rises again. How many more people will I lose? Sometimes, my jaw clenches when I hear Dan’s key in the lock and I steel myself for yet another argument, but the thought of being alone fills me with horror. Besides, what happened hasn’t broken us, so surely it’s made us stronger?
My fingers curl around my mobile. I search my recent calls list. Dan is number six. I press dial. Our photo flashes up, the one of us dressed as Superman and Wonder Woman at one of Lyn’s parties. She’s more of a friend than a boss, and the picture always makes me smile.
‘I just want to tell you I love you,’ I say.
‘I know.’ His voice is terse.
‘Please be careful tonight, don’t drink and drive.’
‘What? I can’t hear you properly?’
‘I said please be c—’
‘Grace, the signal’s really bad; you’re breaking up. Hang on, I’ll just…’
The phone cuts out. I press redial and a mechanical voice invites me to leave a message. Frustrated, I toss the phone onto the sofa and lean forward to unpack the box.
Myriads of memories flit across my mind as I thumb through a small photo album. There’s Charlie and me posing on the beach, proud in our first bikinis, displaying ironing-board chests; at the school disco, arms covered in silver glitter. There are some of Charlie, Dan and me laughing in the garden as we hose each other down on a scorching summer day, and one of Charlie smiling into the camera as Dan stares at her adoringly. There’s me, Charlie and Dan on our last day of term, laughing as we throw school ties we’d never again wear into the air. How free we felt. Another picture, a group one this time: me, Esmée, Charlie and Siobhan. Our little foursome. How close we were. Who’d have thought we’d turn on each other the way we did?
I remove the last photo from the plastic film. Charlie stands in my grandparents’ garden, white-blonde bob ruffled in the wind, wearing an orange tie-dye T-shirt and tiny white denim shorts. She’d got into so much trouble for taking those jeans from her mum’s drawer, then blunting Grandma’s hairdressing scissors by hacking the legs off.
I take down a photo of Dan and me from on top of the piano – we’re dangling the keys to the cottage and brandishing a bottle of champagne – and slip Charlie into the silver frame instead.
My mobile rings. I leap on it, hoping it’s Dan, but it’s an unknown number. My mind leaps to conclusions – Dan’s had an accident and it’s the hospital – and a film of sweat breaks out on my skin. I answer the call and there’s the sound of breathing.
‘Hello?’ I say. Then, louder, ‘Hello? Hello?’
But nobody speaks. Eventually, the dial tone whirrs against my ear. This is the third time it’s happened today and I switch my phone off.
A wave of tiredness washes over me. Alcohol and emotion collaborate, forcing my eyes shut; I rub them, trying to dispel the past. I take the photo and envelope with me to bed and prop them against my bedroom lamp. The photos have stirred up so many emotions, I’m afraid I’ll lose it completely if I open Charlie’s letter tonight. I pop a sleeping tablet out of its foil cocoon, place it on my tongue and swallow it down with tepid water. I slip into patchy sleep clouded by dreams of Charlie and my father.
‘It’s your fault, Grace,’ my dream dad says. ‘I’d still be here if it wasn’t for you.’
‘Open the envelope, Grace,’ Charlie whispers to my subconscious. ‘Don’t let me down.’
I wake in the morning to tangled bed sheets and a damp pillow. Dan hasn’t come home.
Little by little, the world stopped spinning and I became conscious of Grandad rubbing my back in small circular motions, his hand warm and solid.
‘Breathe slowly, Grace,’ he urged, as I puffed out clouds of air like a steam train. I inhaled sharply and the ice-cold wind made me cough. Tears streamed down my frozen cheeks as I breathed in and out for the count of five, the way I’d been taught, until I felt calm enough to straighten up and release my grip on the iron railings. I’d clasped them so hard that specks of moss green paint were embedded in my gloves. I slapped my hands together, scattering the flecks onto the pavement, as I surveyed the monstrous construction in front of me.
‘Don’t make me go in there.’
‘I know the move’s been hard on you.’
That was an understatement. It wasn’t just the people I’d left behind, my sunflower yellow bedroom, or my school that I missed. It was the noises that make up a home. Waking each morning to the sound of crashing waves; the creak of the thir. . .
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