The Elsie Drake Letters

by Robert Popper, Elsie Drake

Genres: Epistolary Fiction

Synopsis

Friday Night Dinner and Timewaster Letters creator Robert Popper's new book of brilliantly funny letters, from Britain's oldest letter writer.

'I laughed till I cried' DAISY MAY COOPER'
'Robert Popper is not only certifiably one of the Funniest People in the World™, but also the loveliest 104-year-old woman you could ever hope to meet. Hilarious' 'WEIRD AL' YANKOVIC
'I howled with laughter' MATT LUCAS

At 104 years of age, Mrs Elsie Drake of Granville Gardens, London, is the sixth oldest woman in Britain. But fed up with sitting in her armchair all day, Elsie is ready for new adventures. And so, armed with a computer she can barely operate, she fires off dozens of letters to everyone from the Prime Minister to Greggs Bakeries, to see if they can help.

Whether offering her services as the new Arsenal football mascot dressed as a giant hare, or simply sending Sainsbury's a load of meat, no one can escape the clutches of Elsie Drake.

Gloriously funny and ridiculously silly, The Elsie Drake Letters is also a testament to the wonderful kindness and good humour of the British public. Just wait till you read the replies...

'One of Britain's great comedy minds is at it again' AISLING BEA
'A treasure trove of funny. I loved it' BOB ODENKIRK
'Sweetness, surrealism and hilarity. . . Sheer letter-writing brilliance' PATTON OSWALT

Release date: October 24, 2024

Publisher: John Murray Press

Print pages: 272

Sample

The governor of

Pentonville Prison, ,Caldeonian roads :London

london N78 TT

August the 2018

Dear governor of the Prison.

My name is Elsie Drake and I am 104 years of age and the sixth oldest woman in the country which is called Britin. At my time in life of 104 I have decided to try some new things

artichoke

Cause it can get quite repetitative sitting at home with Mrs hale, she is always picking her hair, pick pick pick she is, picking away all the time. I once saw her pick at her ear hairs,, she pulled them out in clumps.

Sir or lady, the reason i am writing is that I have never spent a night in prison before and I would very much like to, i think it would be very enjoyible. Can I stay in your prison please? I will be a model prisoner. i do not mind eating gruel or “slopping out “. But who will I share my cell with? Will they be nice ? I hop they are nice. I do not want to share my cell with someone who isnt nice.

I have never commited a crime in my life, although I did once take a bun from Mr Lannigans bakery in 1930 but i returned it after taking just one bite cause of my consience. I shall never forget that bun , I wonder where it is now? I suppose it has wrotted away.

Please can you let me know when I can stay in your prison so i can get myself all ready.

remember ; Elsie wants to stay in your prison.

Yours trully,



Elsie Drake (aged 104)



Mrs Elsie DrakeGranville GardensLondon

31st August 2018

Dear Elsie

Thank you for your letter requesting a visit to HMP Pentonville, but before I make reference to that, can I congratulate you on reaching 104, what a fantastic age and from your letter it has clearly been a long and eventful life.

I would love to be able to welcome you here and arrange a visit. Although I am unable to offer an overnight stay in a cell, I can give you a tour of the prison over a lunchtime period, if that that suits you. I would love to be able to make it a memorable day for you, perhaps have some lunch in our staff mess – although I’m not sure we have the recipe for gruel! And you could have a look at one of our cells.

Perhaps if you or a member of your family are able to contact me, I can arrange a convenient date for a visit and if it would assist I can arrange transport to get you to and from the prison.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Yours sincerely

Stephen DixeyActing Deputy GovernorHMP Pentonville



Mr Stephen dixeyThe Acting deputy governor

H.m.p Pentonville prison,Caledonia n RoadLondon N7 8 TT

it is 8th September in 2018

Dear Dixey of the prison,

I want to thank you for your lovely letter. Do you recall me ? i wrote to you cause I wanted to spend a night in one of your cells in the prison cause it is a dream of mine before I “go “ to see what it is like living amongst brutes and vermin.

you said that it is nice that i have reached 104 but , sir, it is not nice. there are so many things I cannot do anymore.;

runningtether horse

I was very excited that you want to take me for lunch at you beatiful prison “Pentonville” cause I dont get much kindness anymore, Mrs hale can be a beast;; she steals my bread.

Sir, I was very sad when you said that i cannot stay the night in the prison. Why not? I am 104 with sertification from the queen, surely that would mean i can if I want. It is the law . Anyway i have come up with a “plan “ that I hope you will agree to .

I will come to your prison with my friend Bessie Bates next month . Bessie will get out her steps-ladder, which she has had since 1950 when she worked in Selbys ironmungers and needed the ladder to get iron off shelfs, I will then mount her ladder and with your permission, I will bash in the bulbs of the nearest traffic lights with a stick. You can then arrest me and i get to spend a night in the cell and fourfil my dream . Do you agree ?

But i do not want to share the cell with Bessie bates cause she screams in her sleep.

Thank you again for your kindess and i will see you on 12 of October outside the prison as that is the date Bessie comes out of hospital cause of her burnt kidney . i enclose five pounds in monies so that you do it. You are very kind .

Yours trully,



Elsie Drake (aged 104)







Mr Sadiq Khanthe Mayor of London Townthe Grater london autho ority

City hallthe Queens Walk

London post code se1 2AA

August 9th year 20.18

Dear Mr Khan,

My names is Elsie drake and i am 104 years of age and the sixth oldest woman in Great Britin. I am using a computor to write this letter of friendship to you.

Mrs Hale who i live with told me that you were going to be knocking down Big ben the big clock in London town to make way for a new airport for foreign planes to land on. i said that you would never do such a thing becouse you are a sensitive soul and a lover of timepieces. Mrs hale told me to “pipe down” and then hid my bowl.

Mr Khan, sir, are you knocking down Big Ben ? Please dont. I love Big ben as it holds such memmories for me.

one time harry Lambert took me to London town, and when the clock struck 9, he tried to kiss me and slipped on the kerbstones and broke my femur. Another time i saw a man try to jump off Big ben but thank god the police got him; he had been drinking motor oil they said.

Please let me know what is happening, I think you are narvellous.

Yours truly,



Elsie Drake (aged 104)

pS I have drawn you a picture of you and Big ben in the year of our Lorde 2018. Please can i have it back when you are dun with it.





Mrs Elsie DrakeGranville GardensLondon

Date: 29 August 2018

Dear Elsie

Thank you very much for your letter of friendship to the Mayor of London and for your drawing of Big Ben.

I have passed you letter on to the Mayor and he has asked me to thank you for taking the time to write.

Although City Hall does not own The Palace of Westminster, I can confirm that there are no current plans to knock down Big Ben as it is a historical and protected landmark of London and the UK.

Big Ben is home to many stories and memories to people all over the world, just as it is to you.

I do hope this letter reassures you that Big Ben will remain a feature of London for many years to come.

I enclose your drawing of Big Ben, as requested.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.

Yours sincerely

Francesca IngramPublic Liaison Officer



Francesca ingram Mrs? miss?Public Lisbon officer

Works for the Mayor of London Town

    The Greater london AuthorityCity hall, Queens WalkLondon SE12AA

September 3, 3rd september ,,2018

Dear miss or Mrs Ingram,

Thank you so much for your sweet leter. and kind words. I do not have much kindness in my life. Yesterday Mrs Hale told me my head was too big for my body, she said it is like a water melon. i said “no, your head is like a watermelon” “no, yours is” she said “Yours is” i said. “no, yours is” ‘Yours is” ‘Yours is” “no it isnt” “it is” she said. When Mrs hale went out to clean the gutter, i poured ink in her bed.

Madam, you said that there is no currant plans to knock my beloved Big Ben down, so does that mean there is a plan to do so some other time?

I am very scared, Will the clock fall on my head if they cut it down? it is so large might it reach me? I need some re-asurance cause I am 104 and i am frightened that the clock “Big ben “ will be destroyed and the rubble thrown into the thames.

Why would you do such a thing to Ben? it is a lovly clock that keeps time to perefection.

what has the clock done wrong?

Please can you let me know if it is being reduced to muck in a few weeks time? I am petrified of the situation. Will it cause a war? i enclose five pounds for your help.

Yours trully,



Elsie Drake (aged 104)



Mrs Elsie DrakeGranville GardensLondon

Date: 7 September 2018

Dear Elsie

Thank you very much for your response.

I can confirm that as Big Ben is a historical and protected landmark of London and the UK it will never be knocked down.

Big Ben is home to many stories and memories to people all over the world, just as it is to you.

I do hope this letter reassures you that Big Ben will remain a feature of London.

I am returning your £5, by recorded delivery.

Thank you again for taking the time to write.

Yours sincerely

Francesca IngramPublic Liaison Officer





Mr Michael Roney;; chairman ofNext Shops Ltd limittedDesford road;

Enderby in LeicesterPostCode: LE19 4at

12th August is the date 2018;;;

Dear Mr Roney ,

My name is Elsie Drake and I am 104 years old and the sixth oldest woman in brittan. This is all written on a “computor”. It is my first ever “computor “ machine and I am enjoying it at my time of life. What is wrong with that? I am allowd to be hapy. We all are. j;;iijhhh

Why i am writing is i would like to work for you in Next shop clothes shop. I am looking for a new saturday job as i am getting fed up sitting here at weekends while Mrs Hale has her piano lesson. She plays very badly. Her problum is too many wrong notes. They are all wrong. I tried to tell her but she said she would hide my soap-bar again and i need my soap-bar for my dignity sir, so i just said nothing and coverd my ears while she played, but wen she went to make herself a ham sanwich i put her soap-bar in the gutter.

Experience::: i have had shop service experience. Seventy years ago i worked in a fishmongers. I cut up all the fish and could dismantal a crab to a proficient level, well, mr Huntley was happy with m. . .