Straight Lies

by Rob Byrnes

Genres: LGBT Gay

Synopsis

From award-winning author Rob Byrnes comes a wickedly entertaining caper involving red-hot men, cold hard cash, and deliciously dirty deeds. . . Two Partners In Crime Grant and Chase are a fun-loving pair of small-time hustlers with no money, little patience, and lots of get-rich-quick schemes. If only they could pull off the perfect crime--"The Big One," as Grant calls it--Chase could finally quit his job at the supermarket and the two could retire in style. One Star In The Closet Romeo Romero is the world's hottest openly gay celebrity. He's got the face, the abs, the fame, the fortune--and the sex video that could destroy his career. If this naughty little tape should fall into the wrong hands, Romeo's adoring fans would be in for one big surprise: He's straight. No Lie When Grant and Chase hear about the video (thanks to a notorious Hamptons' gossip), it's a no-brainer. All they have to do is steal the tape, blackmail the star, and collect the cash. But then, when they stupidly leave the video in a New York cab, the would-be crooks have to wheel and deal with a sleazy tabloid editor, a lesbian real estate agent, a kinky Internet stalker, and an alluring boy toy to finally get to the truth. . .behind not-so-straight lies. Praise for Rob Byrnes and When The Stars Come Out. . . "Clever dialogue and an astute rendering of the prices people pay to keep secrets buried add crossover appeal." -- Publishers Weekly "Byrnes turns out another deftly written and enticingly complex gay romance." -- Booklist

Release date: March 30, 2009

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 337

Sample

“Miss?”

The passenger in 13C woke up to find the flight attendant lightly shaking her shoulder.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, miss,” the flight attendant said, “but we’re about to land at Kennedy. You’re going to have to return your seat to its upright position.”

“Oh…Yes, of course.” She pushed the button to put her seat back in place. The flight attendant smiled, thanked her, and moved down the aisle.

When she was gone, Passenger 13C sifted through her purse for a compact, found it, and flipped it open, inspecting her face in the mirror. She sighed, not liking what she saw in the reflection. These early mornings didn’t agree with her.

She slipped the compact back in the purse, then reached under the seat in front of her, where her backpack was stowed, and tucked the purse inside it.

Then she yawned again, gathering a blue jacket around her shoulders, and prepared for landing.

 

Henry Lemmon was late.

Keeping the speedometer at a steady seven miles per hour above the speed limit, his dark blue 2002 BMW 525i flew down the Van Wyck Expressway. His eyes darted left and right in the dawn sunlight as they searched for police cars. Still, his foot never wavered on the gas pedal, not even when it officially entered the grounds of John F. Kennedy International Airport.

He loved driving this car, loved the way it handled as it zipped around banks of aggressive yellow taxis and the awkward movements of civilian automobiles jockeying for position in the crowded roadway. He loved the way he could ease it to the right, then left, then right again, and it never complained…The way it rode up one ramp and down another, shifted lanes, and did it all over again, threading through the congestion like it was the only car on the road. He loved it so much that he barely remembered he was ultimately in control of the machine, and not the other way around.

In a few years he’d have his twenty-five in, and then he could retire with a full pension. Maybe, thought Henry Lemmon, he could then sit behind the wheel of his 525i all day, and see where it took him.

It was only when he approached the traffic backing up outside Terminal 4—home of TriState Airlines—that he finally slowed, regretfully taking control back from the machine and patting the steering wheel, as if to assure the vehicle that it was nothing personal.

After pulling the car into an open space at the far end of the sidewalk adjacent to Arrivals, Henry Lemmon slapped a Suffolk County Sheriff’s Department placard on the dashboard to make sure he wouldn’t be hassled by airport security. Then he slid across to the passenger’s side, let himself out at the curb, and cast an appreciative glance back at the car before briskly walking through the sliding glass doors.

Once inside, just past Baggage Claim, he reached into an inside pocket of his dark green windbreaker and pulled out a rolled sheet of paper, inspecting his careful lettering one last time as he opened it.

ARBOGAST.

The sheet of paper unfurled, he held it at chest level and stood at the foot of the escalators, where—at any moment—Amber Arbogast would be descending, fresh from her 6:43 AM flight from Albany. She would see her name and rush into his arms, free at last from the tyranny of her abusive parents, and forever grateful that Henry Lemmon—Deputy Henry Lemmon of the Suffolk County Sheriff’s Department—had been her savior.

And then they would be happy together. Happily ever after.

True, she was only sixteen years old, but she’d be seventeen in mere months. And after six weeks of on-line chats and a few brief, furtive phone calls, Henry Lemmon already knew they had a lot in common…Enough, certainly, to compensate for the twenty-five-year gap between their ages. She would get an education and be free of abuse and thrive; in return, he would get unqualified love and affection. It was a good deal for both of them.

Best of all, no one had to know the truth; the neighbors had already been informed that Henry’s wayward, runaway niece was coming to stay with him. The cop as family disciplinarian…it was the perfect story to deflect suspicion. Clever girl that she was, Amber had come up with that cover. It just went to show how smart she was. He never ceased to be amazed by how damn smart the girl was.

And, in an absolute worst-case scenario, sixteen was almost legal. Maybe it wasn’t normal for a sixteen-year-old girl to be with a forty-one-year-old man who was going to be forty-two in a few weeks, but it was almost legal. And “normal” was in the eyes of the beholder. Or so he told himself.

Henry Lemmon smiled, sucked in his sagging belly, held his ARBOGAST sign proudly, and thought how lucky they were to have found each other. At any moment she would be standing there in front of him, full of youthful gratitude. He was sure of that—sure she’d be standing there, that was, since he definitely knew she’d be grateful—because he had checked and knew she had boarded the plane.

He hadn’t wanted to do that—it seemed wrong to doubt his soul mate—but the cop in him made him cautious every now and then. He would have felt like a chump if Amber hadn’t boarded the plane and had been playing him all along. But she hadn’t; she was on that TriState plane.

Which, come to think of it, should have emptied its human cargo by now, if not their checked luggage.

His eyes misted a bit as he looked at the sign. ARBOGAST. Henry Lemmon and Amber Arbogast were going to start their new lives together in mere minutes. Henry, Amber, and the dark blue 2002 BMW 525i. Who could ask for anything more?

A trickle of people began to descend the escalator—the first arrivals from the 6:43 AM flight from Albany—and he started scanning their faces with excited anticipation. A woman in a blue jacket met his gaze, then glanced away, and his heart skipped a beat until he realized she was far too old to be his Amber.

At the bottom of the escalator, the woman brushed past him, and the cop in him sensed that something wasn’t quite right. He looked over his shoulder at her as she bypassed Baggage Claim and walked toward the automatic doors.

It was the backpack…Yeah, that was all it was. It just seemed strange for a woman, probably in her late thirties, to be carrying such a big backpack.

He shrugged it off and held his sign—ARBOGAST—just a bit higher.

 

The woman in the blue jacket with the backpack walked out into the crisp morning and followed the sidewalk to the end of the terminal, where she proceeded to climb a flight of concrete stairs. Outside the Departures doorway—one level above the Arrivals gate, where Henry Lemmon waited expectantly, his sign held proudly—she scanned the row of cars dropping off passengers, looking for the one making an illegal pick-up. Finally she spotted a familiar, unsmiling man, staring and waving furiously while leaning across the passenger seat of a car parked at the curb.

Walking toward the car, she began dabbing cold cream on her face, not particularly caring who noticed—not that anyone would—until the real face of Chase LaMarca began to emerge through the heavy makeup.

Behind the wheel was his partner, Grant Lambert. Chase sighed when he saw he was unshaven, which was Grant’s usual state on those days when he didn’t feel the need to be presentable, which numbered approximately three hundred forty per year. As a religious moisturizer, Chase dreaded the effect of the scruffiness on his soft skin, made even more sensitive by this morning’s application of makeup, but after fifteen years together he was resigned to it. Mostly.

Chase climbed in as Grant retreated to the driver’s seat. Pulling off his wig and stuffing it in his backpack, Chase asked, without a word indicating affection, “Next time can I take the train?”

“If you take the train, maybe he takes the Long Island Rail Road into the city to meet you, and you’re sort of trapped at Penn Station. If you fly, he drives, and has to go to a different door to wait for you. It’s that simple.”

Chase began pulling his male clothing out of the backpack. “But he doesn’t even know what I look like. What’s he gonna do, start interrogating every single person in Penn Station?”

“Maybe.”

Chase rolled his eyes. “I don’t think so.”

“And I think,” said Grant, as he turned the ignition, “that we wanted the car, too. Meaning, we go to the airport, where he has to drive; not Penn Station, where he doesn’t.”

Chase sighed again and tossed a makeup-smeared tissue over his shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched the early morning sun sparkle off Grant’s graying hair and, regrettably, that three-day growth of beard sprinkled with even more silver among the brown. His partner had the look of George Clooney gone to seed, which—he had to admit—wasn’t altogether a bad look, although deep down he thought a George Clooney tending to his appearance would have been preferable.

“Plus,” Chase finally continued, as he took off the blue jacket and let the fake boobs that were under it fall to the floor, “I’m getting too old—not to mention too male—to keep getting on planes pretending to be a teenage girl. TSA isn’t stupid. Mostly, at least. You know that, right, Lambert? They’re developing this imaging technology now that can see right through your clothes.”

“It’s over, so don’t worry about it.” Grant turned off the parking blinkers and began slowly edging forward into a traffic lane.

“Right through your clothes. Next time, they could see my penis, and there goes that scam. Promise me: never again.”

“Never again. Hopefully. And put your seat belt on.”

“Let me put my shirt on.”

Grant eyed the activity around them. “Make it quick.”

Chase frowned and pulled a blue sweatshirt over his head. “By the way, that wasn’t the most sincere apology I’ve ever received.” The car entered the flow of traffic and he added, “Nice car.”

“Yeah,” Grant said. “Your boyfriend did right by us.” He glanced at the dashboard and added, “That reminds me.” With that, the Suffolk County Sheriff’s Department parking placard joined the wadded-up tissue in the backseat.

Chase ran his hand along the leather seat. “Almost a shame to take it to a shop. But we’ve got to make a buck where we can make a buck, I guess.”

“Mmmm-hmm.”

Chase dropped the sun visor, opened the vanity mirror, and continued removing the makeup. “So how long do you think we’ve got?”

“With the car?”

“No, with the credit card.”

Grant thought about it. He had to recalculate after every one of these jobs. They were all so different, as he had learned when a bank president fell in love with Amber Arbogast, back when she was known as Becky Campanella. That particular scam had not gone well, but as long as they didn’t end up in jail, he could chalk it up to experience.

“Well, on the minus side, he’s a cop. My experience is, that’s never a good thing. But on the plus side, we know he never checks his credit, so we’ve probably got a week, maybe two or three, before he knows for sure that something’s going on.” He thought a bit more. “And we also have six weeks’ worth of chat-room transcripts. Just in case.”

Chase flipped the visor up, but continued to wipe at his face with a tissue. “That’s right. All those transcripts. What if he comes looking for me when he realizes that ‘Amber’ wasn’t on that flight?”

“What’s he gonna do?”

“Maybe I could string him along for a few more days. Keep him off guard. You know, tell him my monstrous parents caught me at the airport, dragged me off the plane, and TriState forgot to take me off the manifest…Something like that.”

Grant shook his head as the dark blue BMW rounded a curve and exited the airport grounds. “Too risky. From this point on, we won’t know when he catches on, or what he might do. If he brings in his fellow cops now and tells them that he’s been investigating on-line identity theft, well…His story isn’t all that convincing, but he gets to frame the story. It’s better that Amber Arbogast disappears forever.”

Chase leaned back in his bucket seat and thought about that. “I suppose so. It’s just that…”

“What?”

“I dunno. I sort of got to like Amber Arbogast.”

Grant Lambert took his eyes off the road for a split second—which he hated to do anywhere, but especially when leaving JFK and entering the Van Wyck—and stared at his partner before swiveling his eyes back to the road. “But you are Amber Arbogast.”

“Was,” Chase said with a sigh.

Grant patted Chase’s knee and said, “Don’t worry about it, baby. You can become a different teenage girl next week, okay? One that’s even better than Amber Arbogast.”

Chase didn’t answer. Instead, he again dropped the visor and flipped open the mirror, giving himself a final once-over. The makeup was gone, but it left a slight rash on his face that blushed his cheeks, which annoyed him. And the wig had mussed the hair he was ordinarily so careful about, although maybe he had overdone the highlights the last time he was at the stylist. They were too memorable, which was good if you wanted to make an impression, but not so good if you were in his line of work.

Even though in age Chase and Grant were in the same ballpark, give or take a few years, in appearance, well…They were playing in different leagues. Everything about them—how they took care of themselves (Chase, obsessive; Grant, not at all); how they dressed (Chase, stylish; Grant, for comfort); how they saw the glass (Chase, half-full; Grant, completely empty and the water had been turned off)—was a polar opposite. Love held them together, but Chase knew—well, he thought, because the circumspect Grant would never confirm nor deny it—that the secret to their long relationship had been in the way they had managed to thrive off their differences.

Without him, Chase knew that Grant would have withered away into the depths of his despair long ago. He hadn’t set out to be a criminal, but some early decisions had evolved into his only opportunities, and he had run with them as the easiest way to make something out of his life. Grant Lambert was a smart guy who hadn’t been able to catch a break, but he was doing the best he could to keep above water.

As for Chase LaMarca, he had also found his opportunities limited by the twists and turns of life. But there was an undeniable thrill to this sort of sideline—which, for Chase, was a necessary supplemental income, not the whole paycheck—and he and Grant did everything possible to make sure that other bad guys—worse guys—were their targets, so he managed to justify it.

And if it hadn’t been for a little larceny, they never would have met. That had to be put in the plus column, too.

In fact, the Pedophile Scam, as they came to call their current project, had even been Chase’s idea. No one as initially computer-phobic as Grant would ever conceive of trolling Internet chat rooms for those logical victims.

At first, they found it astounding that otherwise solid citizens would fall in love with grainy pictures of teenage girls and stupid instant messaging…but, one after another, they did. Sometimes they even had to reject potential suitors because they were stringing along so many middle-age professional men that it was getting confusing. And so many of them—not that bank president; that had been a bad move on their part—were only too willing to give up their personal financial information in exchange for an opportunity to meet a teenager.

The world is full of twisted people, thought Chase, as he sat in the passenger seat of a stolen dark blue BMW 525i.

A few miles down the expressway, Grant slowed and merged right onto an exit ramp.

“It’s time?” asked Chase.

“Yeah.” Grant glanced at his watch. “Fifteen minutes for him to realize the girl didn’t get off the plane, maybe another couple of minutes to figure out he didn’t just forget where he left his car…I figure right about now he’s screaming at an airport security officer. So it’s time.”

At the end of the ramp, he waited for the light to turn green before making a left turn and driving a few blocks until he spotted what he was looking for: a parked van with out-of-state plates. He pulled the BMW next to the van, then peeled Henry Lemmon’s EZ Pass reader from the inside of the windshield behind the rearview mirror and handed it to his partner.

Then it was Chase’s turn. He darted out of the door—the sun glinting off his blond highlights much the same way it had off Grant’s gray—and skittered to the front of the van, where he affixed the EZ Pass to the most inconspicuous spot he could find on its grille before rushing back to the BMW. The stop had taken them less than thirty seconds.

“Seat belt,” warned Grant as he took his foot off the brake and eased back onto the street. Chase rolled his eyes, but pulled the strap across his torso.

“Hopefully that guy’s next stop will be Oregon.”

Chase frowned. “I just hate it that the toll money comes out of our pockets now.”

“You’d like it better if the cops followed our EZ Pass trail to the Bronx? The guy won’t tell the cops that his teenage Amber never showed up, and he might not notice that we’re bleeding his credit for a few weeks, and even when he does, I figure we’ve got a bit of time before he figures out how he’s gonna explain why he gave all his personal information to a sixteen-year-old girl in an Internet chat room. But he’s sure as hell gonna report that someone stole his car.” Grant made a loopy right turn, knowing that continuing to take a major highway like the Van Wyck after boosting a cop’s car would just be adding risk to the endeavor. “It’s bad enough I don’t have time to change the tags.”

Again Chase stroked the leather seat. “How much you think this is worth?”

“I figure a grand. Maybe fifteen hundred.”

“No, not from Charlie Chops. How much do you think this car would be worth if we owned it?”

Grant sighed and made a left turn, and a green sign told him that the borough president and mayor welcomed him to Brooklyn. “You get to ride in a different car—a different nice car—every couple of weeks or so, and you’re gonna bother me about this?”

Chase settled back in his seat and tried to enjoy the ride. Grant had been doing this too long; he wasn’t going to change anytime soon. And maybe Chase didn’t want things to change too much, either.

 

The rest of the ride to Charlie Chops’s garage in the Bronx went smoothly. While Grant drove the stolen car, Chase used a cell phone—purchased for $10 with no questions asked from a connection—to order several thousand dollars’ worth of resellable merchandise with Henry Lemmon’s stolen credit card number, which would all be delivered within two business days to a vacant apartment in an area that some people thought of as the upper Upper West Side and others as lower Morningside Heights, where they just happened to have an in.

It was small-time, but it was relatively risk-free, and after the bus trip to Albany, a few bucks to a friend for overnight accommodations and an early morning lift to the airport, and the plane ride back, it was all profit. They could consider it a good day. It would have been better if Amber could have coaxed Henry Lemmon into giving up his PIN—cash was always a better trade than fencing hot electronics—but Chase’s subtle hints had either fallen on deaf ears, or the guy wasn’t a total fool. Whatever…He was enough of a fool to make this worth their while.

And the car was gravy. After Amber Arbogast found out what kind of car Henry Lemmon drove—“That’s hot!” Chase typed in an IM conversation after he told her it was a seven-year-old BMW—Grant reached out to his dependable friend Charlie Chops, proprietor of an inconspicuous two-bay garage in Hunt’s Point, at which very little legitimate garage work went on. Charlie said he’d be happy to take the car off his hands, and that was that. Gravy.

Yes, it had been a good day for the Lambert-LaMarca household.

 

Up in the Bronx, Charlie Chops was having a good day, too. After Grant talked the price up and he peeled sixteen well-worn hundred-dollar bills from the wad he always carried in his front pocket for situations like this, he calculated in his head that the BMW—in parts—would make him almost a three-thousand-dollar profit within the next twenty-four hours…Even after paying this guy he knew a few hundred to make the vehicle identification numbers disappear.

“Know why I like these older cars?” Charlie asked, then proceeded to tell them before they could answer. “Older parts are always in demand. That’s the main thing. Also, those new cars have all that GPS crap built into them. That’s trouble.”

Grant shook his head. “They don’t make ’em like they used to.”

“Ain’t that a fact. Someday I’m gonna have to close shop, if this antitheft paranoia keeps up. A small businessman just can’t make it these days.”

Charlie Chops liked Grant Lambert. The guy always made him pay top dollar, but every few weeks he brought him some profitable, high-quality pre-disassembled auto parts. And even without prompting, Grant was smart enough to stay away from the riskier newer luxury models.

He watched as the men trudged off, heading for a bus stop a few blocks away that would take them…Well, Charlie Chops didn’t really know where that bus went. He owned a used auto parts company—one that was even mostly legitimate, if you squinted a lot at the books—so he never took the bus.

He knew that if you had asked him a year or so earlier what he thought of homosexuals, he’d fall back on traditional stereotypes: they were fey and neat and prissy and, well, faggy. Half black and half Puerto Rican, Charlie had dealt with just about every stereotype known to man in his fifty-six years, especially given the illicit nature of his business that didn’t show up on the books, and generally had no use for those mental shortcuts. But with the gays, well…That used to be different.

Until Grant and Chase—especially Grant—came along.

That Chase guy, well…him, you could sort of see, if you didn’t know he was helping to deliver, on average, a car every couple of weeks to Charlie’s shop. He was just a bit too much out of the ordinary for this neighborhood, which would probably get him beat up at a Hunt’s Point bus stop one of these days.

Grant, though, was prematurely grizzled, and looked and acted like most of the men Charlie Chops dealt with on a day-to-day basis. You could tell he had let himself cross over to the dark side. Grant Lambert had caught the crime bug, and it wasn’t going to let go. No one in Hunt’s Point was going to screw with him just for the sake of screwing with someone.

Charlie liked that about Grant. Liked it a lot, as a matter of fact. It was easier to deal with men who worked on his level and were up front about it, right down to their appearances.

He watched them turn the corner and disappear, then laughed to himself and said, “Gay car thieves. What a world.”

With that, he wiped his oily hands on his shirttail and prepared to dismantle a dark blue BMW 525i.

If he ever thought about how he ended up doing what he did for a living, in an entirely alternative—well, okay, illegitimate—field, Grant would have been hard-pressed for an answer. But he seldom thought about it, so it didn’t really matter. What mattered to him as each day drew to a close was that he was working, putting bread on the table, and…that was about it.

The handful of times he did think about it, he thought it was a mostly wrong but inescapable career path, to the extent that being a professional thief was a career. Which it certainly was, to him.

Growing up in a fading industrial city in southern New Jersey, close but not too close to Philadelphia, Grant watched the rich get richer and the more numerous poor get poorer. Just like the song promised, except without a catchy tune. That’s why he had to get out of there. Not only was it no place to live as a gay man, it was no place to make a decent living, unless you were fortunate enough—or lucky enough, which he figured was about the same thing—to be one of those rich getting richer.

But it wasn’t a Marxian appraisal of economic inequality—not that he would know Karl from Zeppo from Richard—that led Grant Lambert to his alternative economic lifestyle.

It was New York City.

Newly arrived in New York, Grant thought he could aspire to a future that wasn’t the floor of a struggling tool and die shop. He thought, like so many transplants to New York thought, that he could remake himself and rewrite the future that seemed bleak back home.

It turned out, he was wrong.

Things started out well enough. Within days he landed a job waiting tables in a restaurant on the Upper West Side that brought in more than he was earning in South Jersey, even when adjusted for the ridiculous prices in New York. And he made progress on the social scene, too, becoming acquainted with some of the regulars he met hanging around the bars.

But in New York, and especially among his new network of acquaintances, it didn’t take him long to realize the economic tiers remained as rigid as ever. Not only that, but the New Yorkers were practicing the same unsavory behavior as he’d seen on a petty scale in South Jersey, where the Haves always seemed to have a scam going and the Have Nots always seemed to be getting scammed.

It didn’t particularly shock Grant that successful gay Manhattan lawyers and nightclub owners and certified public accountants could be even more financially unscrupulous than in the small town he grew up in. If their self-satisfaction in how they maximized their bank accounts in ways that didn’t quite pass the ethics test disappointed him, he could still live with it.

Not that Grant was necessarily pure of heart. In a pinch, he could shoplift with the best, and had not been averse to dipping into the petty cash drawer for some loans that he didn’t intend to repay. But that was one thing; a down-on-his-luck guy just trying to get by.

These guys, though, they didn’t have to worry about where the next meal was coming from. They were skimming and cheating and swindling for the hell of it. For pure. . .