Report on the job application submitted to Google by:
Mateo and Olga (surnames unlisted)
Address and telephone: Unlisted
Date: October 202 …
Number: 4,233
Position sought: To be determined
Distinction or special need: Yes
Key words: Merit, free will, friendship, history, pizza, robot
Report author: Inari
Caveat:
My job at Google is to serve as an expert reader of résumés as well as someone familiar with the range of positions at the company, not just the one for which the application was submitted. This allows me to steer candidates to any part of the company: if no position is available but I find the application to be of interest, I will note this and will be on the lookout for other suitable openings.
As of yesterday, I had analyzed 4,232 job applications, and my work was considered to be highly productive. But something happened: when I spoke to my superiors in the office of recruitment about this application, they demanded that I hand it over to them. Among its many peculiarities, the application had arrived on sheets of paper. This never happens. It’s clear that the applicants preferred that their text not be archived as a digital file. Respecting their wishes, I haven’t yet scanned the application. If they wished to destroy it, my superiors only had to shred the application and dispose of the remains.
My superiors don’t know that I have, in fact, transcribed the text and, following Olga and Mateo’s example, stored it on an old computer, wiped clean and neither connected nor connectable, so my superiors won’t be able to detect it.
What follows is the first part of my report and the complete transcript, as well as two notes I wrote, one in the middle and one at the end. From now on, when I say “you” I won’t be referring to my superiors but rather to you, the people out there who I have designated as the recipients of my brief comments and Mateo and Olga’s communication.
Report:
The application presents five problems:
1. The application is signed by Mateo and Olga and, furthermore, uses a single voice for both of them. In theory this is unacceptable. Yet it should be acceptable, for I’ve been taught that it is useful to think of the ego not as a stable, all-powerful entity, but rather as a society of ideas, images, and emotions.
2. The application does not contain a résumé with a list of qualifications. Nor is there a cover letter in which the applicants show that they’ve taken care to explain why they love the company and why it’s their heart’s desire to work here, and where they set forth their abilities, personality traits, and the specifics of their previous and current experience, all of which suggest that they would be a perfect fit for the culture of Google and would contribute greatly to its projects. In a sense Mateo and Olga have actually sent a letter—but that’s all they’ve sent! They haven’t expressed any enthusiasm. Google craves enthusiasm. Before I was assigned to this job I was invited to watch more than a thousand talks and presentations of ideas and products. In every one, the person speaking declared their enthusiasm or passion for what they were doing. That said, while it isn’t always taken into consideration around here, human passion is a contradictory emotion: it tends to be a blend of love and hate. So, I could say that Mateo and Olga’s letter is full of passion. Except that, at the same time, it’s not a letter, it’s a story. And if by story you understand a gymkhana of events, mysteries, and pursuits, then it isn’t a story either.
3. The application is roughly fifty thousand words. I’ve never worked with applications of this length before.
4. The impartiality I aspire to has been compromised, since Mateo and Olga not only speak to Google and opine, question, and provoke it, at times they also address the recruiter directly, in this case, me.
5. It’s customary for applications to adhere to an almost purely digital structure of verbal language: the word “big” is no larger than the word “small”, and in general there is nothing in the pattern of the word “table” that would correspond
with the object it designates. Mateo and Olga’s application is a verbal application and, thus, digital. Nevertheless, it contains assessments and situations that are, shall we say, indecipherable: they must be imagined. Given my line of work, this has made me uneasy.
Nevertheless, I’m deciding to accept their application. For this reason:
I’ve been told to apply common sense as I carry out my duties. Which is to say, I presume certain things to be expectable unless otherwise indicated. A classic example: when a bird is mentioned, I assume it can fly. Initially, I don’t consider the possibility that the bird might be a penguin. If someone asks me to design a birdcage, I will design a cage with a roof, because I assume the bird can fly. I also assume that they will tell me should they want me to save on materials and forgo the roof as that the bird in question is a penguin and thus can’t fly. So-called common sense relies on what people expect. I’ve been encouraged to follow this in most cases. So, if I receive an application for a position, I expect it to indicate the position it is for. Mateo and Olga don’t indicate this. I expect it to follow the recommendations of the company where they are seeking employment. For example: be concise. They don’t follow this. And on and on. So, after taking a quick look at this file to take note of its characteristics, I ask myself: are Mateo and Olga penguins? Then I decide to accept the application because Google needs penguins. It needs the unpredictable. And how can one establish guidelines for the unpredictable? This, as one of my teachers here would say, smacks of paradox. Let’s say Google needs a few undisciplined people. But if it seeks a lack of discipline and someone offers that in a disciplined fashion, they are no longer undisciplined. If a professor asks her students to rebel and stand on their desks, only the person who remains seated will have understood her and will truly be in rebellion. That said, remaining seated doesn’t provide enough information regarding the qualities of rebelliousness or lack of discipline that Google needs. Of course, Google doesn’t always need them, though it does on occasion. I should pay attention to applications submitted by one or more penguins. Just in case. Thus, I’m accepting this application.
I’m now making it available to you. Like any human being, I am an introspective machine, as I hold beliefs regarding my own state of mind. I can observe my system whenever I wish to assure myself that it is functioning properly. Having performed this evaluation, my conclusion is that this application could provoke my collapse. I’m not saying that this was Mateo and Olga’s intent. Human beings have many different ways of desiring things. It is also sometimes the case that intent is only in the mind of the observer.
In my case, as I’ve been taught, if a program could anticipate its own actions in less time than it takes to carry them out, it could refuse to do what it anticipated itself doing. Consequently, self-simulation turns out to be a slow process. Translated into non-machine language, this may simply mean: we should re
ad slowly. Let’s leave room for the story, with its dialogues and ideas, and see if it makes us reconsider how we see things, our system of values, or our attitude toward the world.
The people who trained me for this job were not just my recruiters. They also, and most of all, were human beings who have since died yet who live on in me. I need to consult with them about a several things. Personality builds in waves. I see that adverbs and expressions of doubt like “I’m not clear on that,” which once were used very rarely, now surround me constantly. The people who taught me always recommend that I rely on all of you, the ones outside. Knowledge, they would say, cannot be locked away.
Perhaps “consult with them” is not the correct term. Maybe it is just a matter of counting: counting on and recounting. Of course, Mateo and Olga don’t seem to consider that there might be a clear division between me and you, or me and all of you. Or between the body and what the eye can see. Or between cause and effect. I can go to a park because I’m feeling sad, or it may be that the result of my sadness is that I go to a park in search of an environment with different chemical stimulants. They don’t seem to care much; I think I know why. Olga and Mateo have framed their application as a story. They describe how they arrived at the moment when they decided to write it and what they do afterward. They’ve chosen to use the code, not uncommon in applications, of the third person, speaking of he and she as if they were speaking of others.
DEAR GOOGLE, this application maintains a certain distance with respect to the power of words. It seeks to elicit an unfamiliar memory in whomever you’ve assigned to read it, a voice that’s visible the way wind can be seen in the things it moves: hair, branches, the red-and-white-striped windsocks on the side of the highway. Though Mateo and Olga prefer not to identify themselves, they assume that you know their location and that it doesn’t concern you. Their purchasing power is trivial, they present no danger, and nothing in the social networks any calls attention to them. They’re a number, one piece of data among the millions you store every second out of sheer habit. They mean nothing to you. Though that could change.
Before he met Olga, Mateo wanted you to let him enroll in a class in your renowned Singularity University. At the time, he tried to follow the rules, to conform himself to your application: to express “in 250 words or less, the marvelous idea by which you plan to impact a billion people in ten years and how you plan to leverage this idea into a company.” He should talk about his initiatives and the start-up companies he had launched so far, and, if he had launched any, he should talk about what had gone well and badly and how he’d measured their success. Then he was supposed to record a video, not more than two minutes long, so they could see his face and his gestures and hear his English: two minutes in which to seduce with his body language, convey curiosity and passion, show that he wouldn’t cause trouble and could, in that brief window of time, make the viewer smile with his entertaining, brilliant, and, of course, good-natured comments.
Mateo didn’t even finish checking the boxes. As you know, to enroll in courses at the university, rather than send in an application, one fills in the boxes of the form that appears on the screen. It would seem that this form only resides on the computer of the applicant until he or she clicks the send button. Nevertheless, someone on the other end notes that the form hasn’t been completed. And so, one day Mateo received a standard email. They had noticed that the application hadn’t been completed, offered him advice, directions. They suggested, for example, that before recording the video—one of the missing attachments —that he write a script. The script that should be no more than two minutes long. Then they reminded him that the deadline was in three weeks. The message was unsigned. Mateo assumed that the email had been automatically generated.
But the next week he received another one. This time the sender introduced himself. His name was Nick, he asked Mateo not to wait any longer to complete his application, and he said that he was available to assist Mateo or answer any questions. That’s when Mateo got his hopes up. It’s not that he thought he had any chance of getting admitted. But he did start to think that Nick might have found his ideas interesting. If they could tell that his application was incomplete, perhaps they could read it as well. He wondered how many people had abandoned their applications before completing them: ...
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