Saving Room for Dessert

by K.C. Constantine

Genres: Mystery

Synopsis

For former Air Force veteran and ex-mall security guard William Rayford, making the cut as Rocksburg's first African American cop fulfilled one of his life's ambitions, even though it sometimes still gives him a case of the Steel City Blues. Rayford well-knows this town's dark history of prejudice, but dealing with it is something else. Now, with his fellow officers, Rayford is ready for whatever Rocksburg throws his way, even if it means patrolling the river flats, where things can get deadly pretty quickly.

Release date: May 1, 2009

Publisher: Mysterious Press

Print pages: 314

Sample

AFTERWARDS, RAYFORD couldn’t remember exactly when he’d gotten the feeling, and he wanted to remember because he knew this wasn’t just some good
feeling. This one was serious. This one was going to make a difference. He knew it came during the run, the mile and a half
he had to do in under twelve minutes, which he did in 9:04 and could have done faster if somebody had been pushing him. If
somebody had really been pushing him he could’ve done it in eight, but when he passed the mile mark he also passed the last
of the strung-out apps, and that was when he figured it was safe to take a look back. That’s when he saw that the closest
app was more than two hundred yards behind and losing ground and he knew he wouldn’t have to do it in anywhere near eight.


And the feeling he got, so clear he could almost see it as well as feel it, was of total indifference. He didn’t care where
he finished among this bunch of apps; he was just going to run, and to hell with everything. In the last five years he’d done
so many sit-ups, so many chin-ups, run so many mile-and-a-half runs in under twelve minutes, taken so many written tests,
so many oral tests by committee, he just felt fuckit. He didn’t say it. The words never formed in his mouth. But it was like
they were printed in big black letters on glass or clear plastic, out there about twenty or twenty-five yards in front of
him for the rest of the time he was running. Fuckit, William. Just run, man, and fuckit.


And after he saw the words and felt them as clearly as anything he’d ever seen or felt, the other words did form in his mouth,
and he said them aloud and didn’t care who heard him.


“They don’t want me, they don’t want me, I don’t care, but long as I’m here I’m goin’ run their asses into the ground. They
might not hire me, but they’re never goin’ forget this nigger turned their vanilla asses into tap-ee-oh-ka.”


And with those words in his mouth he glided the last hundred yards or so, vowing not to breathe so the sergeants with the
stop-watches and clipboards could hear him when he crossed the finish line. And he hadn’t. Hadn’t doubled over either, the
way every other app did when they came in—long after he’d come in. He remembered walking around, putting on his sweats, and
starting his stretches before the next app even made it across the finish line, about two minutes after he’d crossed. He noticed
the looks he was getting from the two sergeants, but he didn’t acknowledge them. He just noticed them and thought, that’s
right, go on and look. Look at the nigger done whipped all these vanilla apps’ asses. By a whole long time. Just like I whipped
their asses in sit-ups. And chin-ups. And if you’da had a push-up test I’da whipped ’em in that too. Y’alls goin’ remember
William Rayford. You might not hire me, but fuckit, I don’t care, I’m the best y’alls seen today. Or any other day. Make you
out a deposit slip on that.


And he’d had the same attitude the following morning when, just as the Rocksburg Safety Committee chairman was telling him
he was excused and thanks for coming in, that funky dago councilman with the birdy voice chirped up,“Just a minute, Mr. Chairman,
I got a question.”


Rayford had started to thank everybody for their time and the courtesy they’d extended him and had already taken a step toward
the door, but he stopped where he was and waited for the question.


The councilman, who’d been quiet until then, said,“Suppose you got called to a robbery at, uh, say like a convenience store,
a Sheetz or a 7-Eleven or somethin’. And while you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing, you know, asking questions and
getting everything ready for the detectives, suppose you see another cop, you know, one who answered the call just like you,
maybe even your partner in the car, suppose you see him put a pack a cigarettes in his pocket, coupla candy bars maybe. What
would you do?”


Rayford saw that clear plastic with the black letters on it again, and the feeling swept over him like the gentle drizzle
he’d felt as he walked from the parking lot into council chambers before this oral exam. Fuckit, the sign said. Hire me, don’t
hire me, either way it’s not goin’ touch me.


He didn’t sit back down. He talked while he draped his raincoat over his left arm. He said,“If there was no doubt in my mind
he took the stuff?”


“No doubt,” the councilman said.

“Then I’d go ask the clerk how much for a pack of cigarettes or the candy or whatever. And I’d pay him what he said, tell
him the money was for what my fellow officer took, and then, after the detectives got there, I’d take my fellow officer aside
and very politely I’d tell him, next time you take somethin’ don’t belong to you, and I see you? I’m goin’ write you up. That’s
what I’d do, sir.”


The funky dago councilman threw back his head and laughed, but quietly. He didn’t make a sound. But he sat there laughing
with his head back for maybe two seconds, and Rayford thought, there, see? Least he’s goin’ remember me.


“Is that it?”

“That’s it, Mr. Rayford,” the chairman said.“Unless Councilman Figulli has another question. No? We’ll be in touch, one way
or another. Thanks again for coming in.”


“Thanks for giving me the opportunity,” Rayford said, and went out to his Toyota in the soft rain and felt good. He didn’t
have the words to say how good it felt to not care how things were going to turn out. Now all he’d need to feel better was
for the Toyota to start. Nothing wrong with the Toyota. Best car he’d ever owned. But the battery was dying, and he was broke
and maxed out on both his Visa and his MasterCard, and payday wasn’t till Friday. He put the key in, closed his eyes and was
saying a little start-the-Toyota prayer when he heard somebody rapping on the window.


“Rayford?” It was an older man, with grayish whitish hair sticking out around his ears from under a white Kangol cap.

Rayford easily recognized the face but the name wasn’t there. And he knew he should know the name.

Rayford wound down the window a couple of inches and tried to fake it. “Hey, man, hya doin’?”

“What, you don’t remember me? Huh? I can see you don’t. Balzic. How’d you do in there?”

“Oh oh, yeah yeah, hey, I knew it was you, I just couldn’t remember whether we were first name or what, you know? Hya doin’,
Chief?” Rayford wound the window all the way down and held out his hand. “Good to see you, yeah. Hey, thanks, you know? Really
appreciate you talkin’ me up, man, really.”


Balzic shook hands and said, “You’re welcome. But I didn’t do that much, believe me. So how do you think you did, huh? Pretty
good? Nowicki told me you killed ’em on the physical stuff yesterday. Said he never saw numbers like yours before. Like what,
you come in a minute and fifty-five seconds ahead of everybody in the run? Is that right?”


“Something like that, yeah.”

“Yeah, well, you know, personally, I think it’s a lotta bullshit myself. I mean I understand you gotta be in shape and all
that, but puttin’ all that emphasis on the physical stuff? See, I think they all do that ’cause they’re scared to death to
interpret the psychological test. That’s where I’d be lookin’. I mean, nothin’ personal here, I’m glad for you you’re in good
shape, you know, stay that way. For your own health I mean. But what I’d wanna know is, so you can run the thief down, what’re
you gonna do after you tackle him, huh? See what I’m sayin’?”


“Absolutely,” Rayford said. “And I agree. But I still wanted to do my best, you know, just for me. And I did. Those were my
best numbers ever. And I think I did okay in there just now. Never know, but, uh, I didn’t stutter, I didn’t hesitate, I looked
’em in the eye. I knew what I was talkin’ about or else I told ’em I didn’t know. Course, hey, you know, up to them, right?
Hey, whyn’t you get in, man, you’re goin’ get soaked out there.”


“Nah, this jacket’s, uh, my daughters bought it for me. It’s Gore-Tex, you know? Guaranteed waterproof. Nah, I’m alright.
So, uh, you think you did alright, huh?”


“Yeah, I think. Hey, lemme buy you a coffee or somethin’, huh?”

“Huh? Yeah, okay, I could go for that.” Balzic walked around the car and got in as Rayford, eyes closed, turned the key. The
only response from the Toyota was a dead click.


Balzic had opened the door and dropped onto the seat in time to hear the click, “Oh-oh. Deadsville, huh? Hey, no problem,
my car’s right over there, c’mon, we’ll go in mine.”


Rayford winced. “Yeah, but I gotta get home sometime, gotta be on the job at four.”

“You still workin’ at the mall here?”

“Not anymore, uh-uh. One in the South Hills. Century Three?”

“Woo, that’s a long way from here. Belong to Triple-A?”

“No, uh-uh, that’s sort of a continuin’ problem I got. My mother-in-law, got-damn woman, all she got to do is eat, do her
business, sleep, go to the store once in a while get some milk or coffee, go to the mailbox end of the block, drop some envelopes
in. Keep tellin’ my wife don’t let your momma mail no bills, ’cause she get short, she tries to cash them checks.”


“What, the ones you’re payin’ bills with?”

“Yeah. Exactly. Go ’head, laugh. I know you want to. If everybody’s brain is a thousand molecules, that woman got seventy-nine.
Three months ago—yeah, you’re laughin’, go ’head—but no shit, man, she tried to cash a check I wrote to Ma Bell. Woman walk
in the got-damn Giant Eagle, told those people the check’s made out wrong, somebody made it out to Ma Bell ’stead of Mrs.
Bell. Tried to tell ’em that’s who she was, Mrs. Bell, and here the check made out to AT&T. She heard me say it was made out
to the phone company, and she still thinks Bell owns all them companies. Go ’head, laugh, it’s okay.”


Balzic was laughing, shaking his head.

“Had to go down the station house, man, bail her ass out. That’s what ain’t funny. Told my wife, said, this ain’t this woman’s
fault, this is your fault, she don’t know no better, you the one lettin’ her mail them checks. You got to mail them bills
your damn self, you can’t be lettin’ her do that. Woman got a history of stupid shit long as her legs, you know, and she used
to be six feet tall before she got osteoporosis. I mean the woman got some long legs.”


“Cut it out,” Balzic said, “I got a crick in my neck, it hurts when I laugh. So, uh, what, she try to cash your Triple-A dues?”

“Yeah, man, tried to cash that too. Told ’em her name was Ahmed Aman Amal or some Muslim shit like that, told ’em some dummy
made it out to three As—you think I’m makin’ this up, it’s the truth. Yeah, and if you talk to the woman, she sounds intelligent.
And she will try to make you think she’s smarter than she is. But see, she can’t read, and she fronts all the time. Sit with
a newspaper in her lap watchin’ the TV news, try to make you think she just read somethin’ when what she did was hear it on
the TV. It’s pathetic. If she wasn’t my wife’s momma I could maybe work up some kinda feelin’ for her, you know? But the woman
has seriously fucked up my life. I probably told you, I musta, ’cause I tell everybody, so I musta told you, but she’s the
reason I had to get out the air force. I was an E5, man, with four years in, all set to re-up for six, makin’ damn near eleven
hundred a month, all those benefits, goin’ get maybe a three-grand re-up bonus, and what does my wife say? No, William, uh-uh,
we goin’ give all this up, yeah, ’cause we got to go back to Pittsburgh, man, take care of Momma.”


“Yeah, you told me.”

“Been a money cripple ever since, man. Workin’ three jobs to get sixty hours, you believe that? And sixty hours, that’s a
good week. And no health insurance, no commissary prices, no PX prices, no vacation—I used to get thirty days paid leave a
year, man! From day one! But since I got out? Six years, man, every vacation day I’ve had is unpaid sick time. ’Cause of this
woman thinks she’s Mrs. Bell. Or Mrs. Triple-A.”


“C’mon, let’s go, you’re hurtin’ my neck,” Balzic said.

“What am I goin’ do with my car?”

“C’mon, we’ll figure somethin’ out.”

Balzic drove to Muscotti’s, where he ordered and paid for coffee and pointed Rayford to a table against the wall so they wouldn’t
have to put up with Vinnie ragging everybody at the bar. Loudly.


“Man, whyn’t you let me pay, I wanted to buy.”

“Well then you’d have to deal with the bartender, and I was already in here once today and he’s pissed ’cause his gums are
shrinkin’, he gotta get a new set of choppers, and he doesn’t have dental insurance, and he doesn’t wanna spend the money,
so he’s takin’ it out on everybody. He’s alright, I just didn’t know if you were ready for him or not. You can’t pay him too
much attention, that’s all, or he’ll drive you nuts. So, uh, listen, you know if you get this job, they’re gonna tell you
you gotta move here within six months, you do know that, don’t ya?”


“Well nobody told me that exactly, but I figured. Pretty S-O-P, right?”

“I don’t know how it is everywhere else, I just know about here. So, uh, how’s your family gonna deal with that?”

“Don’t have the job yet, Chief.”

“No no, no Chief. Mario, okay? And if you don’t get the job, I’ll be the most surprised guy in America. Nowicki’s been takin’
heat from the NAACP about no black cops ever since he became chief. So when he was talkin’ about your numbers, your written
score—”


“Wait wait, he told you my written score?”

“No, not the number, I didn’t ask him that. Asked him where you finished, that’s all I wanted to know. Told me you came in
first—”


“First on the written? No shit?”

“First, yeah, that’s what he said.”

Rayford started to whoop but saw the sign go up in front of him again. Fuckit. Don’t care, man. Do not care. Allow yourself
to smile maybe, but do not allow yourself to care.


“Anyway, what I started to say before was, uh, as much heat as Nowicki’s been takin’—and not just him, the whole council too,
they all been catchin’ hell about no black cops. So hey, now? You know, anybody starts bitchin’, Nowicki’s got your numbers
to show ’em. Makes it easy on him.”


“So what you’re sayin’, if I’m hearin’ you right, you’re sayin’ even though I’m first in all these tests, except the orals
which we’re not goin’ know about for a while, right?”


“Yeah, coupla days probably. And the psychological too, don’t forget. Course they won’t say anything about that.”

“Yeah, okay. So despite all that, I’m goin’ get the job because I’m black?”

“No, you’re gonna get the job because you were the best app they had. But when somebody starts bitchin’—and somebody will—’cause
that’s just the way people are—oh what’s this look you’re givin’ me?”


“What look, I’m not givin’ you any kinda look.”

“The hell you’re not. You’re lookin’ like you’re pissed ’cause they’re gonna give it to you for the wrong reason.”

“No, man, no, uh-uh. I’m just sayin’, you know, I work my ass off to stay in shape, and to keep up with what’s happenin’.
I go to the library two, three times a week, I do my homework. And to get the job ’cause I’m black?”


“You’re gonna get the job ’cause you came in first in all the tests—the ones they can measure, okay? Like I said, nobody’s
gonna talk about the psych test. All I’m tellin’ you is, from Nowicki’s point of view, that you happen to be black with the
best scores means down the road there ain’t gonna be any suits landin’ on his desk from pissed-off white guys who came in
ahead of you on the tests, okay? ’Cause no white guys did. So that just makes his job easy. And believe me, there’s nothin’
a boss likes better than an employee who makes that happen. So stop givin’ me that look.”


“I’m not givin’ you any look, I’m just …”

“Just what? C’mon, what? This I gotta hear.”

“Okay,” Rayford said, rubbing his palms together, bopping his head. “What I’m tryin’ to do is teach myself not to care how
things come out. I been workin’ on it for a while now. Like years and years. But it’s not easy, okay? It is definitely not
easy. Thing is, I been through so many of these things, you know, and it’s such a got-damn comedown when it doesn’t happen?
I’m really workin’ on tryin’ to keep myself separate from the result. Am I makin’ any sense?”


“Yeah, you’re makin’ lotsa sense. But, you know, I’m havin’ a little trouble understandin’ why you’re havin’ so much trouble
hookin’ up with any department. I don’t get around anywhere near as much as I used to, but still, I hear all the time about
departments all over the place lookin’ for good apps.”


“Yeah, right, me too. But my wife still got her momma. And every time I go through the drill, I mean, most of the time I know
goin’ in I can’t take the job ’cause that got-damn woman won’t move and my wife, no matter what I say, she ain’t about to
leave her.”


“Well that’s what I was askin’ you earlier about movin’ here.”

“I know. And I don’t know how I’m goin’ work it, but I’m goin’ work it somehow. ’Cause I told my wife, if they offer me this
one, I’m takin’ it, I’m sick a this bullshit scufflin’ around from one lame-ass job to another. I’ve had to turn down six
jobs, man, ’cause my wife wouldn’t move. So you’re right, man, no question, the jobs are out there. Went through the whole
got-damn drill six times—well a lot more than that—I’m just talkin’ ’bout the times I actually got an offer and then I had
to say no and tell ’em why. And that shit gets around, don’t think it don’t. Before this one here, the last three departments?
Soon as I told him my name they said they weren’t takin’ any more apps. So I said, nooo, uh-uh, no more, man, they offer,
I’m takin’, this is it!”


“You must really love your wife.”

“Huh? Hey, I ain’t pussy-whipped, man—”

“Didn’t say anything about pussy. I said love.”

“Yeah, okay, so you did. Well. I do. Sometimes I love her so much it … it pisses me off. I didn’t know love was supposed to
be such a got-damn problem. I mean, that’s why I’m workin’ so hard at not givin’ a got-damn. ’Cause all the times I did good
and I had to say no ’cause my wife wouldn’t move? That shit will break you down, man.


“But it’s not just her. I mean everybody in this got-damn country, they’re always talkin’ this bullshit ’bout how you have
to work hard, and if you do work hard, then you’re goin’ get the result, the job, the goal, the prize, the raise, whatever.


“See, this martial arts teacher 1 had in Alabama, he’s the one started me thinkin’ about it, about how you have to separate
yourself from the result of what you do. He used to drum it into me, every class I took from him. And for the longest time
I didn’t know what the hell he was talkin’ about, thought he was crazy, tell you the truth. I mean I tried, ’cause I liked
the dude, I really respected him, you know? He had his shit together. And he was old too. Sixty somethin’—”


“Woo that’s old,” Balzic said, laughing.

“Yeah, I know, I know, but I was eighteen when I met him. And sixty was ancient to me then, you know? And I figured ’cause
he was so old and so together, the man must know somethin’. So I tried, I mean I could get it in my mind, you know? I could intellectualize it—that’s what he said was the first trap.
And that’s what I did for years and years, all I did was think about it, but I never really got past that, you know? Thinkin’
about it? I could never really keep what I was doin’ separate from what I was hopin’ I was gonna get as a result, you know?
Not until yesterday.


“Then yesterday, man, for the first time, I actually got the feeling, I mean I could see this sign, I know this is goin’ sound
like some serious bullshit, but I could actually see the words out there in front of me, like they were printed on glass or
a piece of plastic or somethin’ clear like that. Big black letters. Fuckit. Just fuckit. Just run. Don’t care where you come
in, it don’t matter where you come in. And after all these years of thinkin’ about it and thinkin’ about it, it finally happened—I
mean it happened over my whole body, it wasn’t just happenin’ inside my mind, you know?”


“So this was good, right?”

“Yeah, man, it was like this huge weight fell offa me. And then today, when I was in front of that committee, I had it again.
I was givin’ it my best shot and not carin’ how it was goin’ come out.”


“But then I tell you how you’re probably gonna get the result you want but maybe not for the right reason—”

“Yeah, man, right, exactly, you tell me that, and 1 lost it. That fast, man, I was back all twisted up again. That just funked
me out. Shit. Now I got to start all over.”


“Yeah, well, you know what the Buddhists say.”

“The Buddhists? Don’t take this wrong, man, but anybody ever look like a dago Catholic, man, it’s you,” Rayford said, laughing
despite trying not to.


“I know, I know, but yeah, the Buddhists. My one daughter, she got me started with them after my heart started playin’ games
with my mind. They say life is a series of moments, the Buddhists, so you have to approach each one like it’s brand-new. And
believe me, nobody knows more than me how hard that is. So I got some idea what you’re talkin’ about. All I’m sayin’ is, don’t
let yourself get all tied up over that. If the result happens, you know, then that’s your karma. If you lived each moment
as fully as you could, you were makin’ karma—least that’s my take on it. But don’t quote me, okay, ’cause I’m king of the
backsliders. I’m always draggin’ this, uh, this wagon around with all my bad memories and prejudices and so on. So approachin’
anything like it’s brand-new, for me that’s no sure thing, believe me. Hey, c’mon, let’s go see what we can do about your
battery.”


“Told you, man, I’m broke. And maxed out on all my plastic.”

“I’m not. C’mon.”

On the way to Tony Finelli’s Garage, Balzic said,“I’m gonna say somethin’, and I want you to think about it. I know you got
the makin’s of a good cop or else I wouldn’t’ve done any talkin’ for you, alright? But even if you get this thing with your
mother-in-law straightened out, and you’re able to move here? It’s not gonna be any picnic for you here, you know that, right?”


“Yeah I know that.”

“Well from my own experience I’m gonna tell you somethin’. The worst is domestics. Inside the residence? They’re fire, man.
You say the wrong thing, you may as well be spittin’ gasoline. But the next worst—and it’s really gonna be tough for you if
you don’t think ’em out before you get outta the car. That’s the ones between the neighbors. T-D-K-P-S. Trees, dogs, kids,
parkin’ spaces, man, I’m tellin’ you, they’re dynamite lookin’ for a fuse. And when you show up? You? All these hunkies and
dags, especially the old ones, what they’re gonna see first, before they see the uniform, what they’re gonna see is your skin.
And if you don’t come on super cool, calm, and collected, they’re gonna turn on you, no matter what the beef was that prompted
the call.”


“I know that.”

“Yeah, but I don’t think you know why.”

“I think I know why.”

“No, excuse me, but I don’t think you do, you’re too young. This goes back to when the unions were startin’ to organize, way
before my time, but not before my father’s time. The steelworkers and the miners, when they were tryin’ to organize in the
early part of this century, whether they walked out or got locked out, it didn’t matter which. ’Cause if it went on for too
long, the owners, they’d bring in the scabs. And guess what color most of them were. They also brought in the immigrants too,
the new hunkies and the new wops. But the immigrants, eventually they could blend in. Not so with the blacks. And that shit?
That old resentment over them bein’ scabs? That’s still here, man. Even though those unions are dead. ’Cause the owners, that
animosity between the old union guys and the scabs? The owners worked that, man, they worked that to their benefit for years
and years. Decades. And it’s still here, don’t think it isn’t. I swear I think sometimes it got passed down through the genes.”


“I do know that,” Rayford said. “I have read my history.”

“Yeah? Well good. But knowin’ it is one thing. Havin’ to deal with the results, that’s somethin’ else again. What I’m tellin’
you is, you gotta be real careful how you get outta the car. Be real careful how fast you walk up on people. And especially
be real careful to keep your distance, three steps at least, and if you gotta get physical with somebody, unless it looks
like somebody’s gonna get hurt bad or killed, don’t even think about doin’ it without backup. And even with backup, you be
absolutely sure you don’t let anybody get behind you. These things over trees, dog shit, parkin’ spaces, I’m tellin’ ya, people
come outta the houses with everything you can think of in their hands, every tool they got in their cellar, everything they
got in their kitchen. So you make sure their hands’re empty when they’re comin’ to see what the noise is about.


“And don’t forget the spectators. Worst beatin’ I ever took on the job was from a woman I coulda picked up with one hand.
And all because I didn’t think she packed the will or the gear. Big mistake. She hit me with a metal servin’ spoon, caught
me in the throat with the first one, second one right under the nose, third one I managed to get my arm up, that’s when I
saw the knife in her other hand. Look here.” Balzic pulled his sleeve up and nodded to the scar on his left forearm.


“Twenty-three stitches to close that up, and what fooled me was she never said a word. Had her hands behind her, just walked
up and started swingin’. Turned out the guy I was cuffin’ was her son. God only knows why she swung the spoon first, ’cause
if she’da swung the knife first? She’da laid my throat open, I never saw it comin’. That was the first time I ever pulled
my piece on anybody. ’Cause I did everything wrong. Didn’t call for backup, never challenged her, never looked at her hands,
and soon as she caught me with the spoon, he started kickin’ at me, her son, so I had to resort to usin’ my piece. I’m backin’
up, blood flyin’ everywhere, I’m tryin’ to get my piece out, they’re both comin’ at me, I finally clear my piece, I’m screamin’
get on the ground or I’ll kill you both. And thank God, they did.


“But from then on, buddy boy, nobody walked into my space they didn’t show their hands, I didn’t care who else was there or
what else was goin’ on. Fuckin’ pope himself, he walked up on me, he’da had to show me . . .