Save My Daughter

by Sam Vickery

Genres: Women's Fiction

Synopsis

As soon as we sat on the ride I knew something was wrong. I couldn't relax. I couldn't hear the theme park music, the giggles of my two other children. I'd left my baby in someone else's care. And I knew I'd made a mistake...With her two beautiful children and newborn baby Ella, Lily's life is full of love and laughter. She gave up her job to be a stay-at-home mother, and though she sometimes envies the freedom of best friend Hannah, Lily wouldn't trade it for anything.But Lily's world implodes when Hannah disappears with Ella one day, and Lily fears from the text message she receives that Hannah doesn't intend to come back:"You don't deserve her."It's true that Lily has been keeping secrets about her marriage from Hannah, ones she thought only she and her husband knew. Suddenly Lily realises that there are things she doesn't know about Hannah too – and that by keeping her husband's secrets, she might pay the ultimate price.A rollercoaster ride of emotions, "Save My Daughter" will break your heart. Fans of Jodi Picoult, Kate Hewitt and Diane Chamberlain will be swept away by Sam Vickery's utterly gorgeous novel.What readers are saying about "Save My Daughter":'Wow!!... Absolutely breathtaking and heart-stopping... Have your tissues at the ready ladies and gents cause this one is a complete tear jerker!!! It is an absolute rollercoaster ride of emotions... It sucked me in from page one until the tear jerking ending... Jodi Picoult and Diane Chamberlain have some strong competition... gorgeous, heartbreaking, page-turning, tear-jerking and powerful.' Bookworm 86, 5 stars'Powerful, intense and an incredibly emotional read... some intense emotional scenes that totally tugged on my heart strings.' Heidi Lynn's Book Reviews, 5 stars'Oh my word what just happened?... Nothing is what it seems in this book... wooow (read that 5 times)... make[s] you want to sob for a while and a little longer.' Hey Anci.Reached the Amazon UK top 40-

Release date: April 1, 2021

Publisher: Bookouture

Print pages: 350

Sample

The smell of candyfloss and fried foods filled the sultry August air, making my mouth water despite the picnic we’d eaten only an hour before. I adjusted the constricting waistband of my cotton sundress as it swished around my calves, a light breeze teasing every now and then, offering a moment of relief from the heat before disappearing into the crowd. I’d known what we were getting into before agreeing to come today, been perfectly aware that the place would be packed with families, children hyped up on sugar or having a heat-induced meltdown, but once the idea had come to me, I’d latched on to it with conviction. It must have been three years since we’d last had a day out to a theme park, and it was long overdue.

Jon took my hand, our eyes meeting for a moment as he pointed towards the dragon-themed roller coaster. I nodded, slipping my palm from his, ignoring the crease that appeared between his eyebrows and wiping the damp sheen of sweat from my hand on my dress.

Last time we’d come, William had only been five, Maisy three, and we’d spent the majority of the day watching the parrot shows, hanging around the merry-go-round and the toddler area. I remembered how Jon had been called up to the stage in the tiny arena, where he’d had a large, intimidating macaw placed on his shoulder. How the children in the audience had roared with laughter when the parrot had relieved its bowels down the back of his T-shirt. The complimentary vouchers we’d been given by the flustered twenty-something-year-old guy who’d been leading the show, though Jon had taken it all on the chin and laughed along with the audience. It seemed like a lifetime ago now.

I closed my eyes, breathing in the summer air, letting the screams and laughter wash over me. I wished we could go back to that day.

‘Mummy, look at the bear!’

I opened my eyes to find Jon watching me, his mouth twisted in that familiar look of concern. Maisy was tugging at my arm, half awestruck, half terrified as the huge bear mascot interacted with children nearby, making exaggerated movements and dishing out hugs.

‘Do you want me to take you over to see him?’ I asked, reaching for her hand, enjoying the fact that for once she didn’t pull hers away.

She shook her head. ‘I don’t think I want to. He’s really big. And his eyes are scary.’

‘It’s not real, silly,’ William said, coming to stand at my other side, his fingers encircling mine. He squeezed tightly, waiting for me to look down at him, ensuring he had my full attention before continuing. ‘It’s just a man in a suit. Or maybe a woman. Whoever it is, they must be really, really hot.’

Hannah nodded in agreement as she shifted Ella in the baby carrier. I smiled at my best friend holding my three-month-old daughter with all the clumsy ineptitude she’d had with my first two. My breasts twinged, signalling that it would soon be time for another feed, and I glanced at the sleeping face of my baby girl, her head resting against Hannah’s over-washed pale pink T-shirt, dribble pooling in a wide circle on the cotton.

‘I don’t think they stay in those suits for more than ten or fifteen minutes,’ Hannah said over the top of Ella’s head. ‘Can’t have bears collapsing in the park, can they?’ she added with a wink. The look on William’s face told me he intended to watch and find out for himself.

‘Come on,’ Jon said, hoisting Maisy onto his hip, despite the fact that at six, she was nearly too big to be carried by her daddy. ‘Let’s just go and have a look from a distance. You don’t have to speak to him if you don’t want.’

She nodded bravely, though her little hand snaked over his shoulder and gripped the back of his shirt in a vice-like hold.

William looked up at me again. ‘Come on, Mummy,’ he said, tugging at my hand.

‘You go, sweetie. I’ll stay here with Auntie Hannah and Ella. We’ll go on the ride once you’ve had a look at the bear.’

‘The man, you mean.’ His eyes followed Jon, but he hesitated.

‘Go on, William,’ I said, smiling. ‘It’s only for a second. Go with Daddy.’

He shuffled his feet, watching Jon getting further away, then suddenly let go of my hand, rushing after him, his desire to get a closer look at the mascot overriding his need to be constantly by my side.

Hannah offered a smile, adjusting Ella’s cotton sunhat, shielding her face from the afternoon sun. ‘There goes your little shadow. Quick, bask in your freedom, it won’t last long,’ she teased.

I raised an eyebrow, shaking out my arms. ‘Ah, the bliss of not having someone permanently attached to you. He’s been more intense than ever lately, can’t stand it if Maisy so much as holds my hand. He really gets jealous.’

She nodded. ‘Yeah, I noticed. Maisy doesn’t seem fazed though.’

‘She wouldn’t be, would she? She’s in her own world. Today’s been the most animated I’ve seen her in months.’ I stared after her, going over the same repetitive worries I always drove myself mad with. Maisy was a dreamer, an unusually independent child who never seemed to need, or even want, my attention or input in her life. Even as a tiny baby she’d been content in her own company, and though I tried to be there for her, to play or chat or just spend quality time with her, I always felt her pulling away, her desire to get back to her own space, where she could lose herself in books or daydream uninterrupted, creating a chasm between us that I couldn’t seem to navigate my way across. But I didn’t stop trying. That had to count for something.

William, on the other hand, was so dependent on me I often wondered how he’d ever cope in the future. He needed me by his side every moment of the day, and any effort on my part to put a little distance between us only served to make him more anxious and hold on even tighter. I sometimes wondered if Maisy’s independence was an unconscious consequence, a reaction to her brother’s neediness. If somehow she instinctively knew she could never compete for my attention in the same way William could so didn’t even try.

‘I’d love to find more opportunities to bond with her without William hovering over us,’ I said, sighing heavily as I watched Jon move closer to the mascot, Maisy bravely slipping out of his hold to peer curiously at the man in the bear suit. I shrugged, not wanting to spoil the day but needing to voice my fears out loud. ‘There are times when I feel like I’m getting there and then other times when I feel like I hardly know her,’ I confessed. ‘It’s not right. My own daughter and most of the time I couldn’t even pretend to guess at what’s going on in that mind of hers.’ I shook my head. ‘At least she’s come out of her shell a bit today. We really needed this.’

‘She looks like she’s having fun. It’s lovely to see her getting involved,’ Hannah said. She looked down at Ella, and my stomach clenched. I felt like I had so much going on, so many balls in the air, and I had no idea how to keep all of them from clattering to the ground. I never seemed to get the balance right, and with Ella’s unexpected arrival, everything had become so much more difficult.

I swallowed back my sadness and forced my mouth into a smile, determined to make the best of things. ‘Thanks for coming with us today, Han,’ I said, squeezing the top of her arm affectionately. I knew a trip to a busy theme park was probably the last thing she wanted to spend her Saturday doing. She worked so hard during the week and her weekends were precious to her – time to recharge her batteries in the kind of luxury I could only imagine. She liked to go for an early-morning swim at the leisure centre, or book herself in for a deep tissue massage, or just spend the whole day eating chocolate and watching Netflix. I had no right to be jealous of her freedom, nor her exciting career as a homeware designer, but that didn’t stop me feeling envious sometimes when she was flying off to Milan to run her fingers through fabric samples between boozy lunches and meetings with the heads of any number of swanky department stores while I was stuck at home, mediating arguments between William and Maisy and trying for the thousandth time to explain the point of learning the correct spellings when everyone had access to a spellchecker nowadays. Hannah always insisted that her life wasn’t nearly as glamorous as it sounded, but it was a damn sight more glamorous than teaching times tables while cramming down a slice of cold toast, baby dribble drying on my chest.

It wasn’t that I’d swap lives with her if I had the option. I’d been lucky, blessed with two planned children and little Ella, our surprise addition. I knew I should be grateful for the memories we’d created together as a family. But sometimes, it was hard.

Hannah had all the stresses and challenges that came with a busy career, but she didn’t have the responsibility of people’s lives on her shoulders. I hated to let those dark thoughts creep in, but sometimes, when I was up for the umpteenth time in the night to feed or change or soothe one of the children – Ella and William for the most part – when I was pulled in a thousand different directions and feeling like I was failing in everything I did, as a wife, a mother, a woman even, I wondered what life would have been like if I had chosen a different path. Been like her.

I had hoped to keep working after we had William – that had always been the plan. My job back then hadn’t been anything special; when I got pregnant, I was only doing filing for a law firm, but just being in that environment, surrounded by the buzz of people working hard, passionate about their cases, their clients, made me want to retrain and join them. I’d intended to keep working part-time and study for a law degree in the evenings, but I hadn’t bargained for how intense William’s needs would be. At the time, it had made sense to adapt our plans and have Maisy just two years later, the idea being to wait until William was in school before diving back into my career goals, but it hadn’t panned out.

William just couldn’t settle at school; every time I managed to leave him with his teacher, I’d barely make it through the front door before I got the inevitable phone call asking me to come back and collect him. He just wouldn’t accept being there. We tried everything, from waiting it out and hoping he’d settle to changing teachers and then, finally, me going into class with him for three weeks, having to leave Maisy with my less-than-keen parents so I could support him, but it wasn’t a long-term solution, and it didn’t seem to matter whether I stayed or not – he never did relax in that environment.

It just didn’t work for him; he hated the noise, the confusion of all the children talking over each other, the lessons he didn’t have any interest in. The longer we persevered with it, the more I could see my sweet little boy becoming a shadow, trying to make himself small – to disappear. If I tried to leave him there, he would scream until he passed out, terrifying everyone around him, then wake up and start all over again. His fingernails were broken, the tips of his fingers splintered from holding on to the door frame when the teaching assistant tried to carry him inside each morning. At school, he wouldn’t eat. He never spoke, except to shout no. He wouldn’t pick up a pencil, barely looked me in the eye, and his teacher might as well have been invisible for all the attention he gave her. I could see his trust in me fading each day as I woke him up and manhandled him into his school uniform. He hated it, and I knew we couldn’t go on.

Jon had been the one to tentatively suggest keeping him at home, educating him myself, and as soon as he mentioned it, I’d felt a sense of absolute relief wash over me. It just made sense. The moment William stepped through the front door to our home, he once again became the rambunctious boy only we got to see. There was no end to his talking, his questions, his curiosity, and I knew his reluctance to learn had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence. Home education might work, and it would mean I could be around for Maisy too, not constantly tearing myself between his needs and hers. Not missing out on those precious early years. It was a sensible option, I could see it working, and I knew I would enjoy the challenge of teaching him myself, but it didn’t come without sacrifices. It meant putting my career on hold once again.

Jon’s income as a TV researcher, primarily for environmental documentaries, was paying our bills, our mortgage, and back then he had just been offered a huge promotion, a long-term role for a cutting-edge series on climate change, which I knew he was desperate to take. He already travelled a fair amount, and the step up to the new role would mean even more international trips. It would have been impossible for him to quit if we wanted to manage financially, and I knew how much he wanted that job. It wouldn’t have been fair of me to ask him to walk away from it after pursuing it for so long, just so I could have a chance at trying something I wasn’t even certain I wanted, and so it fell to me to home-educate the children.

I was relieved to see the happiness return to my son. The moment I told him he didn’t have to go back to school, his face had split into a smile, his eyes filling with tears as he clung with small, sticky fists to my jumper, making me repeat my words, swear to him that I wouldn’t change my mind. It was a sacrifice I was happy to make. What mother wouldn’t if she had the option? But that didn’t mean I didn’t occasionally get a pang of jealousy, a ‘what if’ moment, when I looked at Hannah’s life and saw how different it was from my own.

I watched Maisy’s face light up now as the mascot leaned towards her, animated in a way I rarely saw. Today was exactly what we all needed. Quality time together and a chance to make some memories. ‘Is she still asleep?’ I asked, peering over Hannah’s shoulder, trying to see Ella’s face.

‘Absolutely conked. Must be the heat. Do you want to feed her?’

I shook my head. ‘Do you mind holding on to her a bit longer so I can go on the roller coaster with Jon and the kids?’

Hannah glanced down at Ella and shrugged. ‘I don’t see why not.’

‘Thanks, Han, you’re a gem. There’s a couple of bottles in the changing bag if she wakes up, but I doubt she will.

I glanced away, hoping I wasn’t taking advantage of her generosity. It wasn’t exactly an exciting day out for her, but she’d promised she didn’t mind when I asked her to come, knowing how tricky the rides would be with Ella in tow. I wasn’t ready to leave her with a babysitter for the day, and besides, Hannah seemed only too happy to help. She was always willing to take Ella for a cuddle in a way she hadn’t been with the other two, and I was grateful that I often had an extra pair of hands to help out. It was really important to me to show Maisy and William that they hadn’t lost me to their new sibling. I hadn’t missed the resentful glances William had thrown Ella’s way, and Maisy had barely acknowledged her, choosing to spend even less time downstairs with us since she was born. I wanted to show them I was still fun. I could still make time for them too.

‘You sure you don’t mind?’ I frowned, wondering if she was okay. If she might have had a bad date, or a disagreement with her boss. She wasn’t usually so quiet, but it was hardly the right time for a heart to heart. I’d have to make a pot of tea and grill her later on.

‘Course not. We’ll be fine. Go. Have fun,’ she insisted, reaching for the changing bag I was holding and slinging it over her shoulder. ‘I’ll wait in the shade over there.’

I nodded as Jon and the kids made it back to us. ‘He was a man!’ Maisy said, grinning in a way that made my heart swell. ‘Daddy saw too, didn’t you, Daddy? If you looked closely through the nets over the eyes, you could see his real face!’

‘Well he didn’t trick you, did he?’ I grinned, my eyes meeting Jon’s briefly. ‘Auntie Hannah’s going to take care of Ellie-Belly for us so we can go on that big ride. That is, if you’re brave enough?’ I teased, tickling William’s tummy, making him squeal with delight.

‘I am!’ he said, his hand finding mine, clasping on tight. He dragged me towards the queue and I glanced over my shoulder, watching Jon and Maisy following close behind.

We packed in together behind the row of parents and children and I let myself be carried along with the crowd, the excitement of giddy children palpable around me. Jon smiled as we moved through the barriers, the four of us slipping into the row of suspended seats. I hoisted Maisy up into one, glad that despite its hair-raising appearance, the ride would be pretty tame. I wasn’t looking forward to the teen years, when I’d have to go on the far speedier rides. I’d never been a fan of that awful feeling of falling.

I checked Maisy was buckled in, though I knew the attendant would do it too, then did the same for William. ‘Hurry up, Mummy,’ he said, his eyes filled with worry. ‘What if it starts without you?’

‘It wouldn’t, darling. They have to press a button – it’s not automatic.’ All the same, I hopped into the seat at the end of the row, my feet dangling above the ground beneath. I strapped myself in and nodded to Jon. ‘Make sure yours is done up,’ I told him.

‘Yes, Mum,’ he said, grinning, and William burst into peals of delighted laughter.

I craned my head round the edge of the seat and looked past the queue to the spot where I’d left Hannah and Ella. ‘I can’t see them,’ I muttered. ‘Jon, did you see where they went?’

‘Probably gone to get a drink or something.’

‘Maybe,’ I murmured, fidgeting in my seat to get another look. The attendant came past, pushing down the security bar with strong hands. ‘Wait, I’m not ready, I—’

‘Mum’s scared,’ William said, a tremor of nerves making his voice unsteady. I knew he looked to me for confidence.

‘No,’ I said, shaking my head, still trying to peer around the wide edge of the bucket seat. ‘I’m… I’m—’ But I didn’t get to finish my sentence. The ride sprang into action, shooting us forward, stealing the words from my lips. I couldn’t explain the sudden coldness that swept through my body, the metallic tang of fear on my tongue that had nothing to do with the jolting motion of the roller coaster, but I suddenly had a desperate need to get off and get back to my baby girl. I couldn’t explain how, but I was suddenly sure something had happened. Something was wrong.

I paid no attention to the laughs and squeals coming from around me, the dips and whirls of the ride, my hair whipping my face as I frantically scanned the ground below, desperate to catch a glimpse of Hannah. At last the roller coaster made it back to the place it had started, only to shoot off again, to my crushing disappointment. I felt sick with terror as we repeated the dives. Jon shouted for joy, while William and Maisy giggled and screamed, adrenaline and excitement lighting up their faces. My fingers dug into the thick rubber covering my harness and I wanted to scream too. I had to get off. I had to.

The ride finally screeched to a stop and I jumped out of my chair, unclipping William and Maisy myself before anyone else had even got down. ‘Quickly, come on.’

‘What is it?’ Jon asked, following after me, his eyes still alight with joy. ‘Are you okay, Lils?’

‘No… no…’ I muttered, surging forward through the maze of fences to get to the exit, my hands clasped tightly around each of my children’s. There were so many people, so much noise. I forced a path through the heaving mass of bodies, ignoring the disgruntled comments as I pushed roughly past, my eyes searching frantically among them.

‘Mummy!’ Maisy whined. ‘Let go. You’re hurting me.’

‘Lily? What’s going on?’ Jon frowned, taking Maisy’s hand from my own. He grabbed my arm as I made to rush on. ‘Lily! Stop!’

‘She’s gone,’ I whispered, seeing the spot in which Hannah had promised to wait. Frantically I scanned the empty bench, the bin overflowing with ice-cream wrappers and cardboard coffee cups. A foil packet fluttered from its tentative position where it had been haphazardly shoved into the mass of litter, catching in the light breeze and skittering across the hot paving stones. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off it, the flash of gold glinting in the sun. ‘She’s gone,’ I said again, this time, my voice growing loud with the panic that was bubbling up like lava within my belly, burning a hole through my insides.

‘So?’ Jon shrugged. ‘I’m sure she’ll be back in a sec. It’s hot, Lils, she’s probably gone to get an ice lolly. Or a cold beer, if I know Hannah. She’ll be here any minute.’

I looked up at his confused face, knowing his words were perfectly logical, yet certain he was wrong. It didn’t make sense, but somehow, I knew. My gut was screaming at me. I just knew.

Hannah had taken my child, and she wasn’t coming back.

Lily let William guide her towards the queue for the dragon-themed roller coaster and I watched as she looked back over her shoulder, seeing the brief uncomfortable eye contact between her and Jon. She couldn’t hold his gaze anymore. Didn’t seem able to let herself get too close to him. I couldn’t pinpoint when that had started, but once I’d begun to look, watching the two of them with more awareness, the truth had been there, plain to see.

The baby carrier chafed against my shoulders through the thin cotton of my T-shirt, and I shifted my position, leaning my weight on one foot and then the other, unable to get comfortable. My grey linen shorts felt tight and itchy against my thighs, and I wished I’d worn something else rather than fishing these out of the back of my wardrobe. They’d fitted just fine the last time I’d had them on, but clearly I’d gained weight since last summer. I watched as Lily and her family moved to the front of the line and wondered how the woman who had been my best friend for seventeen years could have become such a stranger to me.

We’d met when we were both just eighteen, at a group camping trip my parents had been taking me to since I was tiny. It was the annual camp for members of the Sandy Shores sailing club, a chance to share stories and catch up without the lure of the sea to distract them, and my parents, being figureheads of the club, never missed it.

As a child, it had been exciting to pack my little bag of belongings and sit in the back of the car, fizzing with excitement about the two weeks ahead of me. Our family was always the first to arrive, and I would climb trees and build dens and generally get in the way of my parents as they swore under their breath trying to navigate the tent, until one by one the other families would arrive and soon I would have a tribe of playmates to fill my days with. Those days seemed endless. We would splash in the river, play frisbee, toast marshmallows. We would make rope swings and stay out long after sunset, never tired, always begging for just half an hour more.

As an only child, those annual trips had been the happiest days of my life. I’d longed for them to continue just like that, to go on forever, but as the years passed, families moved away or dropped out of the sailing club. New . . .