Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Karelia Stetz-Waters

Genres: Women's Fiction; Contemporary Romance; Romantic Comedy

Synopsis

For fans of Casey McQuiston and Abby Jimenez comes a bold, hilarious, and out-of-the-box novel about mixing business with battery-operated pleasure . . .

When it comes to her career, Cade Elgin has it all figured out. Only “professional talk” has become her default mode, relationships are nonexistent, and don’t even mention the word “orgasm.” All work and no play makes Cade a dull human. But when she inherits a sex toy store, Cade is caught between business and a store filled with every imaginable kind of pleasure—including her infuriatingly irresponsible and deliciously sexy new co-owner.

Selena Mathis learned the hard way that she can have too much of a good thing. Which is precisely why she’s taken an oath of celibacy and is focusing on how to make Satisfaction Guaranteed a success. She won’t mess this up. Not this time. But once again, Selena’s emotions are getting in the way and tempting her with a serious attraction to buttoned-up Cade.

But the shop isn’t exactly vibe-ing, and Cade and Selena are on the verge of losing both their income and the possibility of love. Can they find a way to work together . . . before Satisfaction Guaranteed runs out of batteries?

Release date: June 1, 2021

Publisher: Grand Central Publishing

Print pages: 368

Sample

Chapter 1

Cade Elgin sat in the first pew at Whole Heart Departures Funeral Home feeling out of place because she was the only person in the room not wearing gold lamé. She wore a dark suit. Dry clean only. Expensive. Boring—at least to this crowd. Her father sat beside her in a gold-lined tweed coat and a gold bow tie. Her mother wore a gold dress. Around them, the crowd of friends and relatives passed flasks of whiskey. Cade recognized a few cousins. Before them, on a low dais, Aunt Ruth’s urn sat on a pedestal surrounded by white lilies. Cade had ordered lilies because lilies were appropriate. She’d googled it.

A man in a gold bowler hat came by and shook her parents’ hands. “Roger. Pepper. Such an honor to meet you.”

Her parents greeted him like an old friend, which he would be by the end of the Elgins’ stay. Her parents always made friends. A woman in the row behind them tapped Cade’s mother on the shoulder and offered her a joint. Pepper accepted with a bow.

“Did you grow this yourself?” she asked as she exhaled.

The woman had.

Cade stared at the urn. She should have visited Ruth. She should have gotten over her I-don’t-want-to-go-to-a-nude-beach-and-smoke-pot-with-you thing and just been a good niece and visited. How hard would that have been?

Okay, kind of hard.

The chapel organ rumbled to life. Cade recognized the melody: The Cure’s “Lovesong.” It was followed by Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” and then Bruno Mars’s “Uptown Funk,” which did not want to be played on an electric organ. How many pop songs did the organist know? She waited.

“Be careful,” Cade’s mother whispered as a jar passed down their pew. “The edibles are powerful.”

“I am not going to get high at my aunt’s funeral,” Cade said.

“Well if you do, start with one.” Her mother shook a few jellies out of the jar.

“Thank you for the motherly advice,” Cade said.

Her mother patted her on the knee. “It’s okay to have a little fun, sweetie.”

But not at my aunt’s funeral.

Thankfully, “Uptown Funk” was the last song. The chaplain at Whole Heart Departures welcomed the guests. He’d known Ruth. She was the embodiment of love. After that, a woman lit incense and offered a call-and-response incantation to the Spirit of the Universe. Two drag queens wrapped a feather boa around the urn. Then there was a lull, as though something was supposed to happen and hadn’t. The crowd murmured. On the other side of the aisle from Cade, a woman with short blue hair and a gold tailcoat nudged the friend sitting next to her.

“Selena, it’s you now,” Tailcoat said.

The friend clutched a sheet of paper.

Cade heard her whisper, “I can’t.”

“You can,” her friend said. “This is for Ruth.”

“I’ll fuck it up.”

“You won’t.”

“Come on.” Tailcoat stood up and held her hand out to her friend. To the crowd, she said, “This is Selena Mathis, and she’d like to say a few words about Ruth, but she’s nervous.”

The crowd encouraged her.

“Speak from the heart, Selena.”

“We love you, Selena.”

Tailcoat led her friend to the dais and left her there. The woman, Selena, looked out at the crowd. She was gorgeous. Huge, dark eyes. Curly black hair was piled on top of her head and secured with jeweled pins. She had great curves too, the kind of curves a person shouldn’t bring to a funeral, not in skintight pleather pants.

Everything about her outfit said, Look at me.

Everything else about her posture said, I’m going to pass out.

“There are no mistakes when you speak from the heart,” someone called out.

“I remember,” Selena began, her voice trembling, “when Ruth told me she’d named her clitoris Belinda.”

There were eulogy mistakes. This was one of them.

“To Belinda!” someone said.

“I remember when Ruth decided to turn her backyard into a bird habitat,” Selena went on. “All those finches.” Her hands were shaking. “Ruth was so many things.” She looked at her notes. “She was a gardener, a mentor, a businesswoman. She taught people that nudism isn’t about sex. It’s about accepting the sunlight. And she was like a mother to me.” Selena wiped her eyes, making smeared mascara look stylish.

It seemed like a good place to end the speech. Selena clearly wanted to be anywhere else, but she went on.

And on.

And on.

Ruth’s theories on pruning wisteria. Teacups. Tampons versus the cup. Cade felt like Selena kept looking at her with a help me expression. Cade’s mother believed in telepathy. Maybe it could work. Stop now, Cade willed. Amen. You’re done. But the woman had started a eulogy with the deceased’s clitoris, and telepathy didn’t save her.

Finally, Tailcoat rose, stopped Selena midsentence, gave her friend a hug, and said, “Let’s go get drunk.”

The organist hit the first notes of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Cade’s parents took their place at the front of the greeting line. Cade walked over to the urn. She wished there’d been a bit of solemnity, a moment of silence to gather her feelings. She looked at the urn wrapped in feathers. So small.

I know you’re dead now.

That was a little obvious.

I’m sorry I wasn’t the best niece.

A man sidled up to her.

“You’re Roger Elgin’s daughter,” he whispered. “I know this isn’t the time, but I admire your father’s gallery so much…If you’re in Portland, I’d love to show you some paintings I’ve—”

“I’m at my aunt’s funeral,” Cade said.

Yes, she worked 24/7, but come on. Networking in front of the urn? Cade turned away.

I’m sorry, Ruth. I couldn’t leave the gallery. If I took a vacation…my parents…they’d turn it into a commune. I know. You think that’d be cool. I should have come for a weekend.

A woman in a gold cape approached her.

“Ms. Elgin,” she said in a way that would certainly lead to I’d like to show you my granddaughter’s work.

“I’m praying,” Cade said.

Not quite true but whatever.

I wish you hadn’t had cancer. I know you would have liked to be struck by lightning or exploded in a volcano. Go out big. Like an Elgin.

She felt yet another person at her elbow and turned with a sigh. It was Selena, now wearing a purple fake-fur coat, still clutching the piece of paper that was too small to contain her epically inappropriate eulogy. Before Cade could say, What do you want? Selena said, “Do you mind if I stand over there?” She pointed to a place about ten feet away. “I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to bother you.”

That was sweet.

“You can stand here.” Cade indicated a place beside her. Prime urn-talking real estate.

“You sure?”

Selena stepped forward, pressing the piece of paper between her hands and raising them to her chest in prayer.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death”—Selena’s voice was almost inaudible—“I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

She’d memorized more Bible than Cade had ever read. Surprising coming from a woman showing that much cleavage at a funeral. And where was this solemnity when Selena had been eulogizing? It was touching, though, that a woman wearing tight pleather knew that much scripture. People probably never guessed that about her.

Selena finished with the Lord’s Prayer.

“Thank you,” Cade said. “That was lovely.”

Selena smiled at her shyly. “It’s from the heart.”

Then Selena walked up to the urn, tested the lid like she was trying to open a jar, wrapped her arms around it, and took it off the pedestal.

No. No. No. The urn stays there.

“When you’re done…” Selena said, her voice full of prayerful reverence, “my friend Becket made pot brownies. We’d love it if you’d sit at our table and have one. We have absinthe too, but not the kind that makes you hallucinate. Sorry.”

And that was an Elgin funeral.

Chapter 2

Selena cradled Ruth’s urn in her arms as she headed to Becket’s table. She was glad nothing inside rattled. Rattling would be creepy. Nothing about this moment should be creepy. Ruth had wanted a joyful celebration of her life. No one should be thinking about bits of femur.

Selena’s friends sat at a table beside a mossy shrine: her best friend Becket, Beautiful Adrien (who’d earned that nickname by looking like a cross between a runway model and Jesus), and Zenobious, distiller of the absinthe. Everyone was dressed in the finest outfits Becket’s burlesque troupe, Fierce Lovely, could supply. Selena took her seat and set Ruth in the center of the table.

They all turned to her. Everyone liked Ruth, but Ruth was Selena’s person.

“How you doing?” Becket put a hand on Selena’s shoulder.

Heartbroken. Lost. Hopeless.

Ruth’s last request had been that no one cry at the funeral. Don’t act like this is the end. It felt like the end. And Selena felt like she was going to fly into a million pieces. Burst into tears. Fuck a stranger against the wall of the nearest alley—provided they discussed consent and proper protection; Selena was still a sex educator, even if her life was a mess. She took another deep breath.

“Why did you let me give that speech?” Selena asked. It was easier to think about the speech than the fact that Ruth would never sunbathe in the backyard or snip another bouquet of wisteria.

“You went off on that eulogy.” Becket looked like a sprite with her gold tailcoat and shock of blue hair. “You kicked that eulogy’s ass.”

“Dude, yeah,” Zenobious said, his man-bun bouncing adamantly. “You were like, Fuck you, high school speech class. I can talk for as long as I want!”

“I don’t even remember what I said.”

“You said a lot,” Becket said.

“And every word of it was gorgeous,” Beautiful Adrien added.

“I remember when we picked names. She picked Belinda. I picked Artemisia. Was it okay to talk about Ruth’s clit?”

She and Ruth had talked about everything, but maybe there was a time and place…

“Your speech was fuckin’ beautiful,” Becket said. “Ruth deserved more than some dearly-beloved-she-was-a-good-person bullshit. You felt like you needed to talk about her clit, and you talked about her clit.”

“You don’t think it was too much?”

Her friends looked at one another. It was too much.

“What am I going to do?” Selena said.

Someone had sprinkled foil hearts on the table. They stuck to everyone. Becket picked one off Selena’s arm.

“God, there are so many casseroles at the house,” Selena added. “I don’t know what to do with them. It was so nice of everyone. Someone brought poke, but you don’t want raw fish when someone’s dying.”

Her friends nodded sympathetically.

“I’ll help you clean Ruth’s house,” Becket said.

They were quiet for a minute.

“I asked Cadence Elgin to sit with us.” Selena scanned the room.

She hoped Cadence would come over. There was something comforting about Cadence’s seriousness. Ruth had wanted gold, so they wore gold. But back in Selena’s hometown everyone worn black to funerals, and it meant this is serious and we care.

“When were you talking to Cadence Elgin?” Becket took a sip from her Solo cup and passed it to Selena.

Zenobious’s absinthe was terrible, but they all supported his dream.

“At the altar.”

“Are you going to talk to her about your paintings?” Becket asked.

“When we were at McLaughlin, we would have killed to meet Roger Elgin,” Beautiful Adrien added. “I still would, but I’m not going to push my portfolio at him at his sister’s funeral, but I’d push yours.”

“Me too,” Becket said.

“I don’t have a portfolio,” Selena said.

“You could show him Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal,” Becket said.

“If I showed Roger Elgin one painting, he’d say, Where’s the rest of the collection?”

“You could show him the portrait of Ruth,” Beautiful Adrien suggested.

Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal and Can I Make You Laugh? were the two paintings Selena hadn’t burned, Geoffrey in Cobalt Teal because Becket had stolen it and Can I Make You Laugh? because Selena couldn’t bear to let it go.

“That’s two,” Selena said.

“With you,” Becket said, “two is enough.”

The other friends nodded.

Selena shook her head. She could still smell the oil paints in the studio at McLaughlin Academy of Art. She remembered every person she’d painted. But painting—and her ex, Professor Alex Sarta—had nearly ruined her life. Talent is worthless without discipline, Alex used to say. Even if Roger Elgin liked Selena’s work, he would ask for more; then she’d sit in front of a blank canvas for hours or, more likely, go to a bar and get drunk, because she couldn’t paint under pressure…or when she was sad…or stressed…or in love…or not in love.

Her hand curled as if holding a brush. She shook it out. Ghosts and dreams. That was all painting was to her now.

“You were so good,” Becket said.

Her friends were sweet. They were still convinced she could be a great painter. Optimists. It was annoying, and she loved them for it.

“Please don’t talk to Cadence Elgin about me and art,” Selena said. “I don’t paint. And it’s a funeral.”

“Can I show her a picture on my phone?” Becket asked.

“I do not consent,” Selena said.

“What’s consent?” Becket drawled. “No one needed consent in the nineties.”

“Becket!” Zenobious and Beautiful Adrien chided in unison.

Becket rolled her eyes. Of course, she understood consent.

“If you don’t want us to talk about it, we won’t.” Becket put a hand over Selena’s and squeezed gently. “I’m serious. But I still think you should.”

“There she is,” Beautiful Adrien said.

Selena turned around. Cadence was approaching their table looking like business school meets Megan Rapinoe in her suit with her blond hair swept off her face.

“May I?” Cadence touched the back of an empty chair.

“Of course.” Beautiful Adrien nudged the chair out for her.

“Absinthe?” Zenobious offered her a Solo cup and an unmarked bottle. “Pot brownie?”

“I’m fine.” Cadence glanced at the buffet. One end held a proliferation of bottles, the other a pony keg. “I wouldn’t want you to run out.” She held her hand out to Zenobious. “I’m Cade,” she added.

Cade shook Selena’s hand last. Her skin was warm and her grip firm.

“Cade Elgin. We know who you are,” Becket said.

Selena shot her a look.

Don’t.

“The Elgin daughter,” Cade said with a half smile.

“We promise not to show you our amazing art,” Beautiful Adrien said. “I bet you get that all the time.”

“I do.” Cade gave a self-deprecating shrug. “I get it. It’s their ten seconds in the elevator with someone famous.”

Zenobious poured Cade a Solo cup of absinthe.

“How about a toast to Ruth,” he said.

“She was like a mother to me.” Selena held up her cup and held back her tears.

“When she tried out for Fierce Lovely,” Becket added, “I was like, Damn. That’s who I want to be when I grow up.”

“To old ladies stripping.” Beautiful Adrien picked up a cup.

They told more stories about Ruth. Cade nodded along.

“Do you have any memories of Ruth?” Selena asked Cade.

Cade looked surprised, like she hadn’t expected anyone to care.

“When I was a kid, we used to visit her in the summer. I played in her backyard. She and my parents got massively high. She did have really nice wisteria.” Cade didn’t smile, but she looked at Selena, and her light blue eyes held something tender.

“Thanks,” Selena said.

“Selena thinks she shouldn’t have talked about Ruth’s clit in her speech,” Zenobious said.

“Unconventional. But…” Cade spread her hands in front of her. “But.”

Apparently, that was all she had to say about it.

“I should go,” Cade added. “I’ve got to settle things up with the mortuary.” She didn’t stand up. Her expression changed from sympathetic to how is it that I have to ask this question? “May I have the urn?”

“Oh.” Selena wanted to keep Ruth. She hadn’t thought about urn etiquette. People took the potted lilies. You couldn’t take the urn. That seemed obvious now. “I’m sorry.”

She picked Ruth up and held her out to Cade.

“Do you want to take her home with you?” Selena asked.

Cade looked pained. “I have a small apartment. I was thinking we would put her in a mausoleum with…the other dead people.”

“She can’t go in the mausoleum,” Selena said. “She hated people who acted old. Don’t let me go to a nursing home where I have to sit around with a bunch of old people, she said.” Selena didn’t want to scatter Ruth’s ashes either. “I just thought she could go on the kitchen table. Someplace warm.” Don’t cry. “Someplace where she’s not alone.”

Cade exhaled heavily. But there was that flash of tenderness again.

“If you tell my parents the Spirit of the Universe told you to keep her, they’ll probably go along with that.” Cade rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Good luck. It was nice to meet you all.”

And with that she was off. Selena wished Cade had stayed a little longer.

“She’s sweet,” Selena said, looking at the door through which Cade had disappeared. “She has kind eyes.”

“You’re not going to sleep with her,” Becket said, a gentle warning in her voice.

“What? You think I’m going to say, Thanks for the urn. Are you DTF? How did you jump to that? I’m celibate. And even if I wasn’t, I would not hook up with Ruth’s niece at her funeral.”

A year ago, she would totally have hooked up with Cade after the funeral.

“You asked me to remind you anytime I saw you looking at someone. You don’t want to break your vow until you’ve got your shit together,” Becket said. “Your words. Not mine. I never said you didn’t have your shit together.”

Selena did not have her shit together.

“But kind eyes isn’t the worst reason to sleep with someone,” Beautiful Adrien said.

Everyone knew about Selena’s vow of celibacy.

“She let you keep Ruth’s ashes,” Zenobious said. “That’s love.”

“I am not going to sleep with Cade Elgin. I just thought she was nice. I mean, who does let you keep their relative’s ashes?”

Selena stood up.

“I should go too.”

She kissed Becket on the cheek, then made her way around the table, kissing Zenobious on his man-bun and Beautiful Adrien on the top of his glorious brown hair. Becket got up and followed her to the door, her brow furrowed.

“What?” Selena asked.

Becket put a hand on her arm.

“I didn’t want to say this…You had so much going on with Ruth.” Becket paused. “And I’m sure you’ve thought about it, so this is just me being obvious, but…”

“I said I’m not sleeping with her. I’m really not.”

Becket pulled her into a full-body hug. Coming from tiny Becket it was kind of like being hugged by a bird, but Selena felt the love. Selena rested her head on top of Becket’s blue hair.

“You do know that the Elgins are going to evict you, right?” Becket said, holding her tighter.

Selena hadn’t thought about it.

“Of course,” Selena said.

“And they’ll shut down Ruth’s shop.”

The shop Selena worked at. The in-law apartment where she lived rent-free. Her home. Her job. Her life. She thought Ruth’s death couldn’t get any harder.

“You can crash with me for as long as you want,” Becket said. “Tomorrow we’ll see the lawyer, and then I’ll help you pack.”

“I’ve already started.”

“No, you haven’t.”

She hadn’t.

Selena hurried outside and walked to her motorcycle, parked on the sidewalk. She’d drunk too much to ride home. She’d gotten that far in her vow to get her life together. To-do list item one: Do not die in a motorcycle accident. She considered going back inside and asking Becket to call an Uber for her. Selena’s phone still had a physical keyboard, and it didn’t type reliably. The letters B, E, H, K, L, M, N, O, and Z were the most problematic, but sometimes it typed those and missed A, F, G, R, S, and T. She could get to numbered streets but not Wisteria Lane. That was okay. She needed a walk. She set off down the tree-lined street, pulling her fake-fur jacket up around her neck to keep off the rain.

An image of Cade Elgin flashed through her mind. Cade had looked sexy and elegant and powerful. Her short blond hair was cut perfectly to accentuate her high cheekbones. Her clothes hinted at strong shoulders and flat abs. She was athletic. Selena saw it in her lean jaw. But Cade was cute too. The way her blue eyes had widened at the idea of keeping Ruth on the kitchen table. She’d looked distressed and amused at the same time, her furrowed eyebrows saying, Not this again. All that straight-back. . .