Chapter 1
Olivia
“It looks really crowded.”
I tug my skirt up, making it shorter. “You didn’t have to come.”
Nicole, a girl I guess I would call a friend, rolls her dark, pretty eyes. “I saw on ChattySnap that Ryan may be here. The last party we were at together, we were thisclose to hooking up. I’m not wasting an opportunity.”
She wasn’t the only one looking to meet up (or more) with a guy tonight. I know for a fact Spencer McKenna will be at the party. He told me about it after group the other day. That’s where I met Nicole, too. Group therapy.
The house is outrageous, a multi-million dollar place off the side of a cliff in the gated community in Ocean Grove. I live in town—not poor or anything—but nothing like this. Large, paved, circular driveways, large columns and double front doors. The Pacific lies to the west, and I’m sure the back of the house has a perfect view of the ocean. Spencer is one of the Academy kids in my group and an example of how money can’t solve everything. He struggles like the rest of us.
He’s also really, really cute.
“Come on,” Nicole shouts over the music. She takes my hand and drags me into the kitchen. A cup of punch is pressed in my hand. I’m not supposed to drink—not on my medication—but I’ve been doing better lately, and a couple sips shouldn’t matter. The punch is blue and sickly sweet. I take two gulps anyway to settle my nerves.
Nicole pulls out her phone and holds it over our heads, taking a selfie. She sticks out her tongue. I go for moody and mysterious.
“Don’t post that. You know Maya follows all our accounts.”
Nicole presses the button to post and laughs. “Not my secret one.”
Maya is our group leader. She lived in the Girls' Home when she was a senior in high school, and in college decided she wanted to be a social worker to help kids. I have issues, but having parents isn’t one of them. If anything, my mother pays too much attention. That’s why she thinks that Nicole is a friend from school, not a girl I met at group. Socializing with other kids from group is a big no-no.
“Look,” she says, nudging me with her elbow.
Spencer McKenna walks into the kitchen. He’s tall and handsome. His grin confident and smug. I know it’s just a cover for his real feelings. A mask he puts on around these people. I’ve seen the real Spencer. He’s vulnerable. Lost. He needs someone as much as I do.
“Go talk to him,” Nicole says.
“I don’t know. We kind of crashed this party.”
“Everyone crashed this party,” she replies. “That’s how you know it’s a good one.” She nudges me with her elbow. “He basically invited you. Go.”
I take a gulp of my drink for courage and walk across the room. My heart pounds in my chest. I’m not sure if it’s because I like him so much, or because I can’t believe I’m doing this, or maybe I’m having some kind of reaction to the booze and meds. Whatever it is, it escalates when Spencer spots me coming across the room. The smug expression drops, and his eyes rake from my head down.
Attention like this isn’t something I’m used to. This skirt? I borrowed it from Nicole. Everything in my closet is black or has holes in it. Hoodies are my friend.
“Hi,” I say, suddenly glad I wore this outfit. It’s pretty revealing, but the way he’s looking at me? It’s worth it.
“I didn’t think you’d come,” he says, pulling me into a tight hug. His scent is warm and spicy. Expensive. “I’m glad. I had a really rough afternoon. Can we talk?”
“Sure. Of course.”
He moves toward the back porch, and I glance back at Nicole. She gives me two thumbs up, and I fight the smile threatening to split my face. Getting my emotions under control, I follow him out into the warm, early summer night air. School just let out. It’s my last year at my current school. My parents agreed to let me go back to the public school next year since everything is back on track with my moods, attitude, and school work. My goal for the summer is to hang out with Nicole and, if everything goes right tonight, have a new boyfriend.
Once we’re outside, Spencer’s hand moves to my lower back, and he guides me around the infinity pool where people are swimming. A couple in the hot tub furiously makes out and I avert my eyes, pretending I’m not way out of my league. I take a deep breath and focus on how good it feels to be close to him like this.
“There’s a bench over here,” he says, pointing me toward the edge of the yard.
I hear the waves crashing down below. It’s not that dark, mostly from light shining down from the guest house in the yard next door. It has a small porch on the second floor, which I assume has an amazing view of the ocean.
We sit side by side and after a moment, Spencer picks up my hand. A jolt of electricity runs through me. “I’m really glad you came. I’ve been freaking out all afternoon.”
“What happened?”
“Parties like this are so hard. I feel the need to be 'on' the whole time, you know?”
“Yeah, I get that.”
Although I spend most my free time in my room, doodling and reading books, I do understand. People are exhausting, especially when you’re fighting depression.
“I mean, no one here knows what I’m going through. They just see Spencer McKenna, lacrosse player and straight-A student. They don’t know that just getting out of the bed some days can be really freaking hard.”
“Have you talked to Maya about this?”
He shifts uneasily. “I don’t feel comfortable sharing personal information like this with her.”
“Isn’t that kind of the point of the group?”
“Yeah, but this is like…relationship stuff. Girls.” He glances over. “It’s embarrassing to admit I don’t know how to handle it.”
“I think any girl you’re interested in would understand that you’re not perfect.”
“Really?”
I nod. “Sure. We’re not all superficial.”
He laughs and squeezes my hand. “I’m just not in a place for something long-term. I need to get my head on straight. Focus on getting better, finding out who I really am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to people. To someone.”
His shoulders relax, and he leans against me. I’ve hoped for months now that maybe he was interested. It took me weeks to even speak to him at group. We’re all introverts, but when he started to reveal himself and the struggles he’d been going through, I felt a connection. I think maybe he does, too.
If I’m reading the signals right…he’s waiting on me to tell him it’s okay. That I accept him. I thread our fingers together and mustering every inch of courage, say, “Maybe there’s a girl willing to give you that space while showing you it’s okay to be accepted for who you are.”
His eyebrows raise, and he stares at my lips, which makes me lick them. Not to be seductive, but because my mouth has gone dry, and wow, I am terrible at this.
He tightens his fingers in mine. “There’s a room in the house I think we could go to for privacy.”
I look around. More private than this?
His thumb grazes my wrist.
Oh.
Oh.
That escalated quickly. Too quickly, but I got myself into this. Maybe it’s what I want. I’m tired of being Olivia Saddler, the weird girl with anxiety. The girl who can’t go to normal school. This is my summer to prove to all those people that I’m not still that kid. There’s no way he can know how freaked out I am. I’ve never even kissed a boy before, but here I am, presented with the opportunity to go to a stranger’s bedroom with a boy I know from group therapy.
“S-sure, we can—"
Before I can finish, a voice cuts through the night. “There you are.”
It’s familiar, but totally out of place. I look over by the fence and see a tall, lanky figure emerge from the shadows. In a heartbeat he’s next to me, pulling me off the bench and into his arms. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”
Spencer watches us, looking as confused as I feel.
He releases me, sort of, keeping one arm around my waist. He thrusts a hand toward Spencer. “Hey, man, I’m Ben.”
“I’m Spencer.” He looks between us, eyes lingering on Ben’s hand near my hip. “You guys are friends?”
Ben pulls me close, engulfing me in the scent of my childhood, of video games and scary movies. Before I can figure out what the heck is going on, Ben says, “I’m her boyfriend, and you?”
* * *
Ben Rowland is my sister’s best friend and basically, my surrogate older brother. Our families are close, and we’ve spend countless dinners, holidays, and vacations together. Being the youngest, everyone was basically forced to tolerate me. Ben had never been particularly fond of having me tag along.
So seeing him now, at this party, declaring he’s my boyfriend, makes zero sense.
“You have a boyfriend?” Spencer asks.
“No!”
“Yep,” Ben says, holding me tighter. I squirm against him, thinking about how I’m going to kill him later. “I mean things have been off and on for a while but I thought we’d made some progress lately, right Liv?”
I shoot daggers. He just winks.
“Look,” Spencer says, looking between us. “I don’t do drama. Let me know if you figure it out.”
He walks back to the house, and I push Ben off of me.
“Spencer, wait!” I start after him but don’t get far. Ben’s got ahold of me. I turn around and kick him in the shin. He yelps and releases me, but it’s too late. Spencer is halfway across the yard.
“Did you see the look on his face when I said I was your boyfriend? Classic.”
I punch him in the arm hard enough to make him wince. “What the heck was that?”
“That was me stopping you from making a major mistake.” He rubs his arm. “You’re welcome.”
“You’re kidding, right? I haven’t even seen you in a year! You don’t get to just drop in and play big brother or fake boyfriend, or whatever that was.” I place my hands on my hips and look toward the house, watching Spencer vanish. “You ruined everything.”
He laughs. “I stopped a creep from taking advantage of a younger girl. I basically stopped a crime.”
“He’s only a year older than me. You’re more than two years older than me.” I glare at him. “Anyway, you know I’m not twelve anymore.”
He shrugs. “Sure are acting like it.”
“Grrrrr.” I say, throwing up my hands. “What are you even doing here?”
“I’m housesitting next door this summer.” He jerks his thumb toward the guest house. “I saw you from my porch.”
Housesitting? I’d heard he was taking a gap year. His grades were never that great in school, and he wasn’t on the art track like Norah and Gabe. You know what? None of my business.
“So you’re really the creeper,” I say. “Thanks a lot for ruining my night. Maybe my summer. I really liked Spencer.”
“That guy?” He snorts. “That guy is a tool who manipulates girls into doing more than they want, with emo sob stories and a handsome face.”
“That wasn’t just an emo story. We’re in group together. He has real problems.”
“Then he shouldn’t use them to scam on an innocent girl who doesn’t know what she wants.”
“How do you know what I want?”
His blond hair ruffles in the breeze, and standing face-to-face like this for the first time in a while, I realize how tall he’s gotten and how broad his shoulders are. When did that happen? His jaw clenches, which accentuates how sharp and square it’s become, as he thinks about my question. Finally, he says, “I don’t know what you want, Olivia, no one ever has, but that guy? He’s trouble and you’ve already had enough of that to last a lifetime. Don’t go looking for more.”
I open my mouth to respond but nothing comes out. In all my years of knowing Ben Rowland, he hasn’t mentioned anything about my past or issues before. I’m not sure he ever even knew they existed. Did Norah tell him?
Hot anger flashes through me and my eyes narrow. “You know nothing about me, Ben. I’ve never been more than a pesky gnat threatening to spoil your fun. Don’t suddenly pretend like you care.”
We stand across from one another, and I dare him to take this further. He shakes his head.
“It was good seeing you, Liv,” he says, walking back over to the fence. In a flash he leaps over, landing on the other side with a thud.
Like that, Ben Rowland is out of my life again.
Chapter 2
Olivia
In anticipation of staying out all night, Nicole and I had planned a sleepover switch. My parents thought I was at her house, and her parents thought she was at mine. You know, the classic switcheroo. That’s just another thing Ben screwed up for me, and now I have to find Nicole so can figure out the rest of the night.
I walk back into the party and spot Nicole on the patio loveseat, snuggled up to Ryan.
“Hey,” she says, looking up when I stop before her. Ryan doesn’t acknowledge me. His lips are firmly planted on her neck and his hand on her knee. “Where’s Spencer? I thought I saw him go by here.”
“Yeah, uh, something kind of came up.”
She frowns and touches Ryan’s chest, forcing him to stop. He grimaces and sits up, then pulls out his phone. Wow.
“What happened?”
Ben Rowland happened, I want to say, but Nicole doesn’t know Ben, and I don’t really feel like going into it.
“It’s not happening. At least, not tonight.” I glance at Ryan, whose hand is inching up her leg. “Any idea on when you want to leave?”
“Uh,” she pushes her long, manicured fingers through Ryan’s curly, dark hair, “I thought we were spending the night.”
Ryan hears that and leans in and whispers something in her ear. She giggles and ugh, they’re gross.
“We were, but my night went to hell and I need to figure something out. You and I are supposed to be together.” And if we don’t show up that way, my mom will have a million questions.
“Uber?” Ryan offers unhelpfully.
“Just tell your mom I got sick or something.” She turns back to Ryan and rubs her nose on his. “I’m staying here.”
I stare at the two of them, feeling completely overwhelmed and lost. Maybe a little drunk. “Yeah, okay, I’ll figure it out.”
Nicole smiles. “Great! Oh, but make sure you don’t tell my mom I’m not with you. She’ll ground me for the rest of the summer.”
“Yeah, I won’t.”
“See you tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I say, edging away from them and back through the party. I manage to get out the front door without seeing Spencer. Thank goodness. That humiliation can wait for another day.
Outside, I stand on the sidewalk surrounded by million-dollar houses and try to come up with a plan. My head is spinning, but it’s clear enough that I know that I can’t take Uber. I have access to an account, but it’s my parents', and they’ll see the charge and ask questions. I can’t show up home alone. My mom could excuse me making other plans, but she’d follow up with Nicole’s mom. I mean, she barely let me go out with her in the first place.
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