Two
My name is Iris Prince. I was born Inés, and would have stayed that way had my seventh grade teacher not kept stumbling over my name and gave me a new one. Now even my parents call me Iris, proud of the fact that someone in America was thoughtful enough to give me an American name.
I’m in my early forties with a healthy child, living in a secure, slightly upper-middle-class income bracket. I lock my doors at night, never cut in a line or disobey a posted sign or a command from a uniformed person, have excellent cholesterol, and good, mechanically stimulated orgasms. (I’m not ashamed of my agency.) I am happy with the person I have become and am content with the life I carved out from a modest poverty. If not for minor slights and grievances, I have no bad memories at all.
I am a success. America believes in me.
A few months ago, I left my husband of sixteen years. Leaving Alex surprised him, which was itself a surprise. Why was I unhappy, he said, when he showed up for his daily chore list without excessive complaint, his reliability adjusting like a thermostat whenever I was irritable or dissatisfied. This made suggestions of counseling or divorce feel hyperbolic, absurd, even dangerous. “Think of Mel,” he said, our nine-year-old daughter. Why do you demand reason, he asked, when you are so incapable of it? Why couldn’t I accept, he insisted, that we were a content, functional couple who made responsible parents and it was far too late to expect any more from life, or from each other, now?
What, exactly, did I want?
It’s not that I disagreed with him. When I read magazine stories about women starting over after a divorce, I thought, Why did you bring this on yourself? Why didn’t you pick the right person? Why should I care? Couldn’t you have worked harder to stay together? Where are the stories of women who sacrificed their happiness to stay in a loveless marriage so their child doesn’t grow up in a broken home and become a delinquent? Put those women on the cover of People magazine! Those are my heroes.
I knew from when I was eleven years old what kind of married life I wanted. My fantasies were projected onto a yard-sale Barbie with a detached arm that kept popping off. I wrote “Mr.” on that arm because Mamá didn’t want to waste money on a headless Ken. “Mr.” had a reliable job—he was an air traffic controller—and our cardboard box dream house was in a perfect little neighborhood called Lilac Village. It was far from the noisy airport (where Hot Wheels stood in for planes), in order to ensure my plastic toys got a good night’s sleep, but close enough so that my one limb of a husband didn’t spend precious hours stuck on the busy McDonald’s place mat freeways when he should be at home helping take care of our daughter, a stuffed donkey named Gwen.
Eres una niña extraña, my mamá said. Very strange kid.
When I was older, I knew I wanted someone who could handle being with a responsible, college-educated Mexican American, ascending the staircase of our American Dream in tandem with me, through tireless work and deferring immediate pleasures to benefit our future family. That’s a very specific kind of man, one I had never expected to meet before I was twenty-five. College was for men like Richard Cameron, a white upperclassman who decried “flat-assed güeras,” spoke better Spanish than I did, and interlaced his arms and legs with mine in bed when we were naked, using Starbucks adjectives like “demitasse” or “mocha frappe” to describe my skin color. We met in a dorm room for what I thought was a poli-sci midterm cram session. There, a dozen people drank cheap beer while Richard rambled in frantic bursts and jumped on his bed, shouting, “I’m not afraid of any of you!” When he asked me for the eighth time, “How tough was your neighborhood?” I lied and said I saw a guy shot in the head during a carjacking. “Nine one one is a joke!” he said, pumping his fist in the air until his knuckles scraped the popcorn ceiling, then asked for my number, wincing in pain.
I hated him touching me. Sex with Richard felt akin to leaving a copy of myself behind with him. I didn’t want to have that experience of loss too many more times. Who knew how many copies of yourself you had before you ran out? Who knew what that person would do with the copy of you that stayed with them after you broke up?
My best friend, Gertie, said, “Terrible sex does unforgivable things to a woman. Dump him.”
Richard dumped me instead. He learned how dissatisfied I was by accessing my email account without permission, then blamed me for having such an easy-to-guess password, turning his violation into a teachable “I’m trying to make you safer” moment. Last I heard, he’d hooked up with a married white graduate student. What did their interlocked, white-on-white fingers reveal to him? Did he hold her ass’s lack of buoyancy against her?
Alex wasn’t like that, ever. Alex was easy. On our first date I shared a list of world destinations I wanted to see but never would because of a crippling fear of flying. He didn’t pathologize me or insist I needed therapy, but sent videos of people walking atop the Great Wall of China, or a safari jeep driving alongside wild elephants in South Africa, or time lapses of the northern lights in Alaska. Every experience I said I wanted. Seeing the world from my desk chair on a turkey sandwich and diet soda lunch break, I knew I could fall in love with this man.
Alex was the same kind of responsible, college-educated Mexican American I was. We are everywhere in my generation except in movies and television. We are everywhere here in the state where we live, in local government, and in positions of authority at stores and banks, where we can make decisions without having to check with a white person first. Like every Mexican American we knew, we worked for everything we had and we hated those who expected handouts. Ours was a punitory worldview meant to exclude and wish suffering on those who didn’t work as hard as we did, even if that included members of our family (like my sister, Serena).
When Alex and I married, my goal was to save for a modest one-level house with no stairs in case we had children right away, with a tiny space for a garden. I spent hours browsing the dining room displays of home furnishing stores, picturing my perfect tiny family around the dozens of various tables—stone, wood, glass—and envisioned how we would engage with one another. The stories we would tell around that table to make each other laugh, and the ways we would pass the time together. These moments were the true happiness I was working for.
Alex knew this about me. I never changed what I wanted. But we didn’t have children right away.
His parents, Kevin and Cynthia, who had no interest in being grandparents, had bought us—him—a let’s-kill-the-kids townhouse with three flights of steep staircases and sharp corners on everything (even the banisters) that was too far from my work. On the ground floor was a sliding glass door that opened into an unfenced backyard bordered by an empty lot, where cars parked late at night in the corner closest to our property. Their interiors were lit up by cell phones, wispy smoke slithering out of their windows. In the morning I found used condoms, burnt tinfoil squares, and plastic pen casings.
“This area isn’t safe for a child,” I told Alex.
“We don’t have kids,” he said. “We can always put up a fence or something.”
Our property’s grounds were harsh and desertlike, so I tried tending a sand garden out front with a patchwork of all-season plants—white sages, succulents, cacti—along with cosmetically similar solar rock lights that fizzed an anemic firefly brightness at night. I selected rocks from a catalog of rock palettes, learning the difference between axinite, apatite, and serpentine. All the rocks were uniform in size, granular color, and stone consistency with my neighbors’ properties. I arranged the stones in a constant rotation by color and size around the centerpiece of my “collection,” a translucent dufrenite mineral from southern Maine.
I made the best of it. But, really, how much could you do with fucking rocks?
Once, when Cynthia visited to try and sell me Herbalife products for my parents and sister because she heard they were “big in the Hispanic community,” she said, “This space is so hostile. Are you and Alex in couples counseling?”
As in-laws, they sent us unsigned birthday and holiday cards that were advertisements for multilevel marketing companies. We had closets full of artificial, orange-flavored weight-loss powders, and trapezoid storage containers that didn’t seal. On Christmas they’d miss the six-course dinner I spent hours cooking, then show up after dark, with Kevin dressed in a Santa tank top and shorts, butchering Frank Sinatra carols and drinking scotch until three a.m.
After one particularly raucous night when Santa Kevin slept on the couch, I told Alex, “Next year, we’re either in a different house, or we’re having a baby.”
Alex’s lingering resistance to children had melted into indifference, which by my thirties was good enough for me. Melanie (spelled with an a, the way my white yoga teacher spells it, not an o, like that Mexican pop star) was what my doctor called an “easy” pregnancy and what I called an assault on every orifice of my body. I was warned by books with panic-inducing titles about swollen extremities, the accumulation of fluids, the combinations of fist-clenching stiffness and jolts of migratory pain, every part of my anatomy rebelling against me. I hadn’t prepared for my thoughts to do likewise. My anxiety levels fluctuated between maddening and ravenous. During my last trimester, I instructed Alex (who offered to handle my chores, then bombarded me with endless questions and texts about whether he was doing them right) to treat any form of conversation between us like 911 calls—emergencies only.
To quell a creeping dread of postpartum depression, I took daily walks before and after work. I slathered Melanie in sunscreen and set up a baby hammock next to my front yard rock bed. I strapped Mel on my back in an eco-friendly hemp sling and participated in a gentrifying downtown calendar of activities: fun runs, farmers’ markets, Wine on Main Street Wednesdays, and glass pumpkin patch charity auctions. These activities attracted the same people who organized “Not in my backyard” protests, and as a new parent genuinely concerned about our neighborhood, I migrated to these events, too, drawn by promises on the colorful flyers of finding like-minded community. I picketed with a random cluster of middle-aged housewives and their bored children chanting, “Keep Us Safe!” while holding pink signs decorated with glitter outside a planned homeless shelter three miles from our home. I reasoned that its twelve-minute driving distance was too close to a park where I would likely take my child to play. I lectured able-bodied men outside the local food pantry on the virtues of plant-based diets, reminding those who said they weren’t “commie vegans” that “you can’t be a beggar and a chooser, too.”
One day, a friendly schoolteacher named Allie, who I befriended on a methadone clinic picket line, met up with me for a “girls’ date” at a smoothie shop. We laughed about our favorite dumb Christmas movies and our shared last-trimester affinity for dark chocolate bars and crunchy peanut butter. I thought I’d made a new friend.
She leaned in and said, “Do you know who the enemy is?”
“Oh,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
“I can’t say too much in public because everyone’s phones are listening to us,” she said. “I’ll send you some links!”
Clicking through Allie’s sites—the lurid colors, their inflammatory pictures and hateful language—made me physically retch. Served me right for trying to make a friend as an adult.
Quickly, I realized a simple fact: these people were nuts. When had everyone gotten so crazy? Being this nuts—and this angry—was scary enough, but it was also time-consuming. What kind of good parent could be this angry all the time? How could you maintain this level of constant agitation and paranoia and know anything about who your child really is?
Once I gave birth, everything and everyone who wasn’t my immediate family exhausted me. Show me a mother with time for close friends, anyway. I didn’t have the inclination to expose my feelings to a world that might reject them. A high school friend I no longer speak to said becoming a mom would give me a clarity I desperately needed. “Becoming a parent softens people,” she said, adding, “but I doubt that will happen with you.” She was right. Parenthood hardened my resolve to protect and secure, to be skeptical of insincerity, and to, above all else, physically adore and love my child.
So when Alex asked me, over and over, What did I want? I wanted my husband to do the same. He never did.
Fatherhood, too, like my leaving him, caught Alex by surprise. He was present, but he wasn’t there—just like my own father, Gonzalo. Alex thought his parents could protect him from its responsibilities, the way they’d inoculated him from the work and chores I had to do growing up. When I was old enough to hold a broom and not drop it, Mamá had me cleaning house. Even after I moved out for college, when I came home every weekend my mamá enlisted me and Serena to help clean the house. I did the counters, while Serena was told to sweep. She’d sneeze up a storm, do a fake cough routine, and say, “Mamá, I can’t breathe!” Dolores then gave her trash duty. “Mamá, it stinks!” Dolores scolded her to be quiet and stay out of the way. So Serena ended up on the couch watching TV, and I ended up dusting, sweeping, and taking out the trash. My mamá had a clean house and I had a sore back.
In the same way my parents spoiled Serena, Alex was too permissive with Mel, and didn’t set enough boundaries. He handed our daughter off to me like she was groceries he wanted me to carry up a flight of stairs. I stayed quiet longer than I should have, hoping he’d somehow change, evolve, or by accident let himself fill up with wonder at each new way Mel explored the world. Instead, he retracted, burrowing into his phone, his laptop, his television, his widening half of the bed.
We fought about the age a child should start making her own bed, and he got me blacklisted from a local online parents listserv when they found out I assigned Mel a daily chores list that included physical labor. (“You make your child sweep floors and wash dishes?” Damn right I do.) I told him to stop giving Mel unlimited screen time, and to stop running to the freezer for chocolate ice cream when she screamed for attention.
“Relax, it’s vegan,” Alex said. “Why do you treat Mel like a wicked stepmom?”
I am a vigilant mother and know two styles of parenting: push, or surrender. My mamá pushed me. Then she got old and surrendered to my sister, Serena. Melanie grew up learning a clear, specific routine that I established, and Alex ceded input into, before Mel was a year old. She understood from an early age that she had responsibilities and rules she must follow. Our family ate together at all mealtimes. No screens or phones at the table and only one hour of screen time per day. The rules were easy to enforce, at first. Then her tantrums hit.
“I can’t teach a crying child,” I’d say to her. “No brats in my house. Stop crying so you can learn.”
Every lesson, no matter how emotionally grueling, ended with me giving Mel hugs, kisses, or some form of physical affection. I wanted her to know she was loved, and a child can’t learn that if you only tell them. I don’t live for my daughter. I live to never let her doubt for a moment that she is loved and she can be fearless.
I fell out of love with my husband at one of his parents’ pool parties in Hyde Heights, a two-hour journey through inhospitable desert colonized by flotillas of strip malls, then to roads in the cold gloom of crumbling smoke-colored hills, with Mt. Burnett (whose name has been under “historical review” for the past seven years) poking through rings of smoggy haze. These were weekly events with swollen, furious retirees drinking local, desert-grown rosé wine, endless cans of light beer, eating rounds of frozen cocktail wieners and tortilla chips with un-spiced “American” tomato salsa. Kevin and Cynthia, who were Mexican Americans themselves, proselytized to their selected coterie of friends how terrible and foreign the world outside their artificial-turf backyard had become.
I’d met them at what was meant as a celebratory meal for Alex’s first real job—a position he had wanted, applied for, and gotten. “Your birth name’s Iris?” Kevin asked. “Really? Never met a Mexican named Iris before.”
“Oh,” I said.
“I mean that in a good way!” Kevin said, and double-pumped my hand.
He introduced his wife, Cynthia, as “a fan of God, Ronald Reagan, and real work.”
“You enjoyed college?” she asked me. “You can thank me, as a taxpayer who helped pay for your education. No offense.”
“Oh,” I said again. What I thought was I went to a private school on a scholarship and I owe you nothing. How elegantly she had shifted the burden of being offended onto me. I whispered to Alex, “Aren’t both your parents Mexican?” I knew Kevin was—he couldn’t pass for anything but—yet wasn’t sure about Cynthia.
Alex said, “They are. But they don’t mean us.”
“Which ‘us’? I don’t understand,” I said.
Alex never explained. I had never met this kind of us, this kind of Mexican American—malinchistas, my mamá called them—before. I never thought I was the target of Kevin and Cynthia’s speeches—I was born here—yet their diatribes flowed freely on visits that grew louder in volume and more tediously bitter and, at my insistence, less frequent over the years. His parents were a conspiracy theory jazz combo, improv-ing off each other’s prejudices and resentments, rewarding each other for their mutual disinterest in the world beyond their cul-de-sac.
These hatreds invariably led to Alex and Kevin having a hostile relationship for years. Any conversation, no matter how banal, could lead into bitter arguments between the two. I sat mute by Alex’s side during what Kevin playfully called “colorful discussions” because I thought I could learn who Alex really was, what he really cared for and believed. Perhaps, then, I could understand why he acted as aloof and distant as he did, or attribute those needling things about his personality to his father. That never happened. I thought these men had strong opinions, when in fact they were simply opinionated—they couldn’t be moved. What I accepted was that my husband and Kevin had a genuine passion for articulating the other’s weaknesses and watching each other explode in a rage. They enjoyed hurting each other. It was almost a sport for the both of them, one that Cynthia didn’t condone but didn’t really dissuade, either, as long as they didn’t interfere with her numerous social get-togethers.
I didn’t mind their parties, as copious amounts of booze was freely available. I liked speaking my mind and, after two or three glasses of white wine, enjoyed being Alex’s “challenging” wife who gave shit to people who, ideologically, I probably had more in common with than I did with my “everything everyone says is a problem” sister, Serena. I understood where shit talkers were coming from. They want someone to listen. But, my God, if you stop listening to their tonterías? I wore a LEGALIZE SCIENCE T-shirt Serena gave me to one of their parties. Gone was their facade of collegiality and friendship. ...
We hope you are enjoying the book so far. To continue reading...
Copyright © 2024 All Rights Reserved
Please log in to recommend or discuss...
