CHAPTER ONE
NAOMI
Today would change everything.
Nothing would ever be the same.
The sky was as dark and stormy as the clouds I felt looming in my heart. I climbed from the car with a belly full of apprehension. Opening the back door, I prised my daughter’s cheek from the drool-covered car seat strap. “Becca, wake up, sweetheart,” I said, lifting her carefully from her seat. “We’re here.” I clutched the child to my chest, one hand placed on the back of her neck.
Her tiny body stirred in my arms. She smacked her lips together in her sleep and rolled her head to the other side. She mumbled something, not awake, and yet not completely asleep. I placed my cheek against hers.
There was no point in waking her up, I decided. Given any choice at all, I myself would’ve slept through this dreadful day.
I glanced down at the soggy grass, the leaves of fall sticking to my best black heels. In the distance, I could see the blue tent they’d put up to shield his casket. There seemed to be no one around, not that it surprised me entirely. Lucas wasn’t exactly social or well-liked, even with all that he did for our little community. All that I did, via Lucas, anyway.
I brushed a bit of my chestnut hair back out of my face as the wind began to pick up and pulled my daughter in closer to my chest. I should’ve packed her a heavier jacket, but it hadn’t seemed that cold when we first left the house. That was a Tennessee fall for you. You could never tell what to expect.
Then again, maybe I’d just become numb to it all. The weather, what to wear, what to say. How to live. It all felt a bit pointless. Losing a husband, I guessed, would do that to you.
When we finally reached the tent, I was soaked up to my ankles in freezing cold water, my legs already shaking from my daughter’s weight. It killed me how big she was getting. I could vividly remember the days when she could almost completely fit in Lucas’ palms, and now, she was nearly half the length of me. Death made one introspective, I was realizing. More sentimental thoughts came to me than ever before, washing over me with a vengeance that begged to be acknowledged. Dealt with. Pain that demanded to be felt.
My husband was dead.
My daughter was growing.
Soon enough, I’d be alone.
As I reached the casket, I made eye contact with the pastor. He was rather short and plump, with wild, gray eyebrows and freckles across his nose. His gray hair had been slicked to the side, so caked with gel it looked as though it wouldn’t move in a hurricane. He offered me a small smile, his lips purple and thin in the cold. I didn’t know him, except for our brief meeting at the funeral home. Lucas wasn’t religious and I had my doubts about spirituality as well, so we’d never looked into a church. I guess you don’t think about those things until you need them.
I’d opted for a closed casket—though I hadn’t really been given a choice. His body wasn’t in a state to be seen. With all the damage, it would be too much for me to see him like this. Too much for Becca especially. Instead, we remembered him through the oversized photo sitting on an easel beside the casket, a photo he would’ve chosen himself. He was smiling in it, warm and friendly like he’d done so many days in the beginning. He was charming then, and still after, but only when he needed to be. Becca stirred in my arms, bringing me back to reality. She was still too young to understand it—any of it. She kept asking for him, wondering when he’d be back home with us. I wondered if she’d remember him in the long run. There would be pictures, of course, and videos. I would tell her stories of her father and all of the goodness he brought to our lives, but I wouldn’t tell her the bad.
She didn’t need to know about the darkness.
It didn’t matter anymore anyway.
I glanced up, noticing someone else approaching the gravesite. The intruder was a woman, though not one I recognized. She was tall and rail-thin, a jarring contradiction to everything about me. She held a cigarette between two claw-like fingers, blowing smoke into the breeze. I put a hand over Becca’s face, stepping further away despite the already large amount of distance between us.
Though it was cloudy out, she was wearing large sunglasses, her tan legs shaking from the cold, and her lack of leggings. I would’ve felt almost bad for her, she was obviously distraught, but I couldn’t focus any further than the burning questions swirling through my mind: who was she? How had she known my husband?
I watched the last bit of white on her cigarette burn orange before she tossed it to the wet ground, the stale smell carrying toward me as the wind’s direction changed. She made her way up toward the casket with shaking hands, placing an outstretched palm on the oak I picked out. I looked around, wondering briefly if it was possible she had wandered up to the wrong burial, but there were no other services being performed in this cemetery today. Slowly, a group of others—mostly people Lucas had worked with at the hospital—began trickling in under the tent. I spotted a few familiar faces offering up sympathetic smiles. Some of the newcomers spoke to the blonde. It was obvious then that she was one of them. Someone who’d worked with Lucas. From the looks of it, someone who’d cared about him very much.
When the incoming traffic had come to a halt, we stood under the tent in silence, staring at the pastor, the solemn man who would say the final words before my husband and the secrets he was taking with him were placed in the ground for good.
All in all, there were fewer than ten of us. It was almost worse than there being none.
“Are we ready to get started?” the pastor asked under his breath, his eyes locked on mine.
I nodded without thinking. How was I supposed to answer that? How would I ever feel ready to say goodbye to my husband?
He cleared his throat, not reading the worry on my face, and moved to address the small crowd. “Thank you all for coming today. I know Naomi and the family really appreciate the support on what is going to be a hard day for us all.” He opened the Bible in his hands and glanced back at me. A hard day for us all. Well, that was just the understatement of the year, wasn’t it? My guess was, most of the people would head out to dinner after this or go back to work without a care in the world. Their lives would go on. They could imagine laughing again. They could breathe without the debilitating pain I felt at the mere thought of tomorrow. Next week. Next year.
What was the point of any of it without him?
Lucas meant nothing to his coworkers, his friends, compared to how I loved him. It wasn’t a hard day. It was the worst day of my life. No one else understood that.
“Lucas Martin was a loving husband and father, a devoted surgeon, and a trusted member of the Nolensville community. He was…”
The words slammed into my chest, causing me to take a half-step back, and I inhaled sharply.
Lucas was.
Lucas is no longer.
I stopped listening, letting the words turn to a soft lull in my ears as something to my left caught my attention. I turned my head slightly, staring off toward where I was parked. A woman with raven, pixie-cut hair was rushing forward, her black trench coat flying out behind her as her boots hurried across the soggy ground. When she grew closer, slowing her steps so she could sneak in without disturbing the ceremony, I was immediately in awe of her beauty. Large, round eyes with carefully drawn brows and winged eyeliner; full, brown lips; and a hint of bronzer to accentuate her already high cheekbones. I couldn’t help staring at her. There was something oddly familiar about her, but I couldn’t place it. Who was she? How did she know Lucas?
Though most of the attendees were practically strangers, I, at least, recognized them. But these two women, the blonde and the brunette, were unknown to me. How was it possible, then, that they both had fresh tears in their eyes over my husband’s passing?
Becca stirred in my arms, bringing me back to reality, and I began to bounce with her as I hadn’t done since she was an infant. I needed her to stay calm, stay asleep. We just needed to get through the day, through that moment, and then I swore to myself everything would be okay.
No.
Everything would be better.
* * *
After the ceremony ended, people began to retreat to their cars almost immediately. A few gave Becca and me swift hugs and kind words. One woman asked if she could have a meal sent to our home. I accepted their condolences with grace but denied the meal. Cooking was the one thing that kept me sane, so I was happy to prepare our meals.
To my surprise, the two strange women didn’t leave with the others. The raven-haired beauty stood back at the edge of the tent, wiping her hands across her cheeks as the tears fell. The blonde was inching closer and closer toward the casket, her eyes swimming with tears, though she made no move to dry them. She pulled another cigarette from the pocket of her sweater, her hands shaking as she lifted the lighter to the end.
I shielded Becca from the smoke, huffing. “Do you mind?” I asked.
She looked confused for a moment, then shoved the cigarette back into her pocket. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I…um…” She put a hand to her lips, her voice gravelly from smoking. Finally, she said, “I’m Clara. You must be Naomi.”
I nodded, surprised that she knew me when I had no idea who she was. “Uh, yes. Yes, I am.”
“I’m…I’m so sorry for your loss,” she said, her voice powerless.
“Thank you. Um, h-how did you know Lucas?”
She folded one arm across her body as if she were overcome with a chill. “We worked together.”
“At the hospital? Are you a nurse?”
“A doctor,” she corrected, making me feel like a terrible feminist. “Surgeon. Like Luke.”
Luke. I’d always hated that shortening of my husband’s name. “I’m sorry,” I said.
“It’s okay. And I know I shouldn’t be smoking. I haven’t in a few years, actually, but…I needed it today.” Her eyes were cold then. Distant. As if she had something else she wanted to say. There was a weight to her shoulders I hadn’t noticed before. After a silent moment, she sighed, and the emotion evaporated from her face.
“I’m not sure any of the usual rules apply today.” I paused, a shiver running over me. “Were you two close, then? You and Lucas?”
More tears filled her eyes as I nodded toward his casket. “You didn’t know…I thought he’d—” It wasn’t a question. Her lips were pressed into a thin line of confirmation. Didn’t know what? She waved a hand at me. “It doesn’t matter now, but I thought he’d told you about me. We’d…we’d been dating for about twelve years.”
Her sentence took the wind straight out of me, and I moved a step backward. “You were…dating my…my husband?” I asked, my face wrinkled with confusion. Surely I’d just heard her wrong. It wasn’t possible.
Her jaw dropped, but before she could answer, the woman in the corner stepped toward us, interrupting. “Hold on a second,” she said, tears still falling as her voice turned from grief to confusion. “You were both seeing Lucas? This Lucas?” She gestured toward the oversized portrait of him next to the casket.
I scoffed. “I wasn’t seeing him, I was married to him. What concern is it of yours?” I demanded, rage bubbling in my belly. “Who are you, anyway?” My body trembled with anger as I stared between the two women, both of them doing the same as we sized each other up.
She shook her head in disbelief. “I’m Alaina. We…we were engaged,” the woman said, her voice trembling as she spoke. She placed her thin, pale fingers over her lips, and I wondered for a split second if she were going to be sick. “I knew he’d lied to me when I saw the obituary. I knew he had a wife, but…he was cheating on me with two women?” She clutched her chest, looking down as she swiped fresh tears from her eyes. A diamond ring glistened on her finger. “I can’t believe this…”
“He wasn’t cheating on you,” I argued. “He was cheating on me…with you! I’m his wife. I’m the one who should be upset!”
“I didn’t know about either of you,” Clara said, stepping out of the triangle we’d unintentionally formed. Her face had gone ashen, the little bit of life left in her a moment ago appeared to have been zapped. “Honestly.”
I looked at her, my heart pounding in my chest. It was entirely possible that I was going to pass out at any moment. Lucas couldn’t have been cheating on me. I would’ve known. I would’ve sensed it, wouldn’t I? I had access to everything—his phone, our bank accounts. I wasn’t just a complacent spouse. I knew everything. We had no secrets.
Not anymore.
I’d discovered them.
Figured them out and taken care of them.
He knew better than to hide anything from me.
And yet, apparently, he had. He’d kept secrets so big they could ruin everything, and they were staring at me, waiting for me to answer the questions in their eyes.
“You knew about me, though,” I said finally, looking directly at Clara. “You knew my name. Who I was.”
“Yes. I…uh, I knew about you.” She blinked slowly. “But not about your relationship. He told me he had a sister named Naomi who lived with him,” she said. “I assumed that was you. He said he was helping to raise her daughter. It wasn’t until the pastor said husband and father that I began to realize I didn’t know that much about him at all.” A shadow cast over her expression again as she shifted in place. “Luke was good at keeping secrets. I just never realized they’d be this big.”
“A-a sister?” I couldn’t believe it, though the truth was there in her eyes. “He said I was his sister? He said Becca wasn’t his…” I lowered my voice as I watched the pastor growing nearer to our tent, having said goodbye to the final guest. “His daughter?”
“I’m so sorry,” she said, watching me stagger backward. “Do you want me to take her?” She gestured toward Becca who was beginning to wake in my arms as my knees shook under our weight. The whole world went blurry as I tried to process what I was being told. It was impossible.
“Don’t touch my daughter,” I said angrily, jerking her back from Clara’s reaching grasp.
“I can’t believe that bastard did this to us,” Alaina said.
“Language!” I chided. Becca’s eyes were open then, and she stared around.
“Mommy?” she asked. “Where are we?”
“Is everything all right?” the pastor asked.
Alaina rolled her eyes and flicked her wrist. “I just want to see him and say goodbye. None of this matters anymore anyway, does it?”
“He was my husband,” I said through bared teeth, my eyes flicking toward the pastor as I ignored the question, still consumed with what I was discovering. “This is my life. Of course, it matters.”
She held up her hand, giving us a better look at a ring that was twice the size of mine. My heart stopped, my veins going ice cold. “He was my fiancé. We were getting married next year. It’s my life too, okay?” The tears were back as she pressed her lips to her knuckles.
“Next year? He was still married to me,” I said, shaking my head. It felt like a cruel prank. My jaw tensed, my whole body rife with venom as I willed myself to calm down, though it was hardly any use.
“It’s okay, Mommy,” Becca said, her tiny hands on my cheeks as my tears began to fall. “It’s okay.” She had always loved to comfort me.
“How did you even meet him?” Clara asked Alaina. “You don’t work at the hospital.”
“He goes to other places besides the hospital,” I snipped, my hands shaking, though I had no idea why I was arguing that point.
“My grandmother was one of his patients,” Alaina said, ignoring me. “Not that I owe either of you any explanations.” She paused. “We met two years ago during one of her last surgeries. After she died…Lucas was the only one who was there for me.”
“Two years ago?” Clara asked, anger in her feeble voice for what seemed like the first time. “We’ve been dating twelve years, and you’re the one he proposed to? What the hell have you got that I don’t?”
“None of the engagements matter because he couldn’t be married to either of you,” I cut in, anger seething in my belly. “Lucas was my husband. He was Becca’s father. Now, I don’t know what promises he made to either of you, what lies he fed you, but today is his funeral. I’d appreciate it if you would both just leave so I can grieve with my child. We need to say goodbye.”
Clara’s eyes shot toward Alaina, and she frowned. “I’d like to say goodbye, too,” she said.
“Me too,” Alaina agreed. She looked at me. “I’ll make it quick.”
Without waiting for permission, Alaina approached the head of the casket. She leaned across it, and I couldn’t help picturing her draped across my husband in the same way. A tear cascaded down her cheek and onto the wood. “I love you,” she whispered, kissing the top with her eyes closed. I forced myself to look away, my vision blurring with fury.
When she lifted up, Clara quickly replaced her. Her sobs were loud and obnoxious as she fell over the casket. Alaina walked past me without a word, and I watched Clara fall apart, her cries carrying through the quiet cemetery.
“Would you wrap it up please?” I asked, staring at Becca’s worried expression as she watched the show. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
Clara stood, walking away from the casket as she wiped her hand under her dripping nose. “I’m so sorry, Naomi.” I pressed my lips together. What was I supposed to say? It was okay? Nothing about this was okay.
Without another word, she was gone, headed back to her car, and I was left alone with Becca, Lucas’ casket, the confused-looking pastor, and an enormous amount of secrets.
I walked with trepidation toward the box that housed my husband’s body. I was still grieving, of course, but there were new feelings filling me now. Confusion. Anger. Heartbreak of a new kind.
“How could you have done this to us?” I asked, my voice a low whisper.
“What did I do, Mommy?” my daughter asked, touching my cheek again and pulling my face to look at her.
I smiled, twirling a finger through one of her spiral curls. “Nothing at all, sweetheart.”
“Where’s Daddy?” she asked, and I watched her eyes as they locked onto the blown-up photograph of Lucas on our left.
“Daddy’s gone, baby,” I told her with a kiss on her cheek. “But he’ll always be with us.” The knots in my stomach tightened as I realized just how true that was. The repercussions of my husband’s choices, his mistakes, I had a feeling, would haunt me for the rest of my life.
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