Monster

by Ben Burgess Jr.

Genres: African American; African American Urban

Synopsis

Award-winning author Ben Burgess, Jr. explores the man behind the player in this Urban novel about a man trying to find the love he lacks for himself in all the wrong ways.
Tormented as a child for being dark-skinned and the son of a womanizer who deserts his family regularly, Ken Ferguson longed for that feeling of being loved. He promised himself that he wouldn't be a manipulating, deceitful man like his father, but after he is cheated on and dumped by the girl he thought he would one day marry, he begins his transformation. Fueled by anger and tired of being the "nice guy," Ken drowns himself in one-night stands, threesomes, and affairs with married women, sleeping with one conquest after another. His philosophy is: No commitment, no attachments.
He meets his match with Ashley, a girl who makes him want to stop his promiscuous ways. But Ashley turns out to do even more damage to his ego and his heart, wounding him deeply. With his philosophy reinforced, Ken spirals out of control. Sleeping with and mistreating random women he meets at bars and clubs, Ken uses sex to forget about his insecurities, his anger, and his sadness. Will Ken learn to let go of his heartbreaks, or will he be consumed by them and continue to be a Monster?

Release date: May 25, 2021

Publisher: Urban Books

Print pages: 288

Sample

“Bri, please, don’t do this to me. I love you. What did I do wrong? I can fix this. Just tell me what to do,” I pleaded over the phone.

“It’s nothing we can fix, Kenny. I’m sorry. I’m just not feeling us anymore. It’s over.”

I sat up in my twin-sized bed, trying to reason with Bri not to break up with me.

Bri sighed. Obviously, she was bored with our situation and was ready to end the call and move on.

“Look, we’re still cool. We’ll still hang out and stuff as friends.”

“Friends . . .”

“Yeah, friends. It’s not like I don’t care about you, but we got into a relationship way too fast.”

I was heartbroken.

The first thought that came to mind when she called me at three thirty in the morning to break up was that she was fucking David. She and David grew up together and were very close . . . too close if you ask me. He was some big-time pretty boy drug dealer in Glen Cove that she was friends with before we started dating.

He was about six foot five, had a chestnut complexion, hazel eyes, and was in decent shape. He had a souped-up S-Class Mercedes-Benz.

David never wore the same outfit twice. He had money and walked around the neighborhood like he was the king of New York. All the girls in the area were sweating him. He always had a different one on his arm, and I guess Brianna was one of them too.

When we first started dating, I made sure to ask her if she had feelings for him, and she laughed it off. The first time I suspected something was going on with them was after one of our dates when David was sitting on her front steps, waiting for her to come home. He walked up to my car when I pulled up, pointed at it, and laughed. Bri struggled to crank my windows down manually.

“Hey,” she said, smiling hard.

I wanted to knock David’s fucking head off when he gave Bri a peck on the lips in front of me.

“Hey, I was waiting for you,” he said.

“I was out with my boyfriend, Ken,” she said.

She faced me. “Ken, this is my boy, David. David, this is my man, Ken.”

He gave me a halfhearted wave and didn’t bother to look in my direction.

“All right, I’ll holla at you later since you’re busy right now.”

She smiled. “We’ll talk.”

“Later, beautiful.”

I sat there in my car, livid.

“You mad?” Bri asked.

“You and David look like y’all are more than just friends,” I said.

Bri laughed and shook her head, but I didn’t find shit funny. Back then, Bri swore to me he wasn’t my competition, and I had nothing to worry about.

“Look, if you want, I can back off until you figure things out with him. I don’t want to keep this going, catch more feelings, and—”

“It’s not like that. Nothing is going on between him and me. I’m with you. David is like my brother. He’s fucked too many of my friends for me to ever look at him as anything more than that.”

At the time, I believed her, and she calmed me down, but subconsciously, I always felt David was better than me. He drove a Mercedes, while I drove a broken-down 1989 Ford Escort. He sold dope, so he had money. I worked at a food store as a cashier and made nine dollars an hour. He had an apartment, and I still lived with my parents.

“It’s late. What made you call me right now to break up? Are you with him right now? You fucking him?”

“Whether I’m with him doesn’t matter. I don’t appreciate you making me sound like a ho.”

Her lack of an answer confirmed I hit the nail on the head.

“Look, I gotta go. If you ever want to talk or hang sometime, give me a call,” Bri said.

She hung up without saying goodbye.

I sat in the dark, crying, looking at the pictures on my rickety nightstand of us together, and feelings of loneliness hit me.

For the next three days, I didn’t eat, sleep, go to work, or school. I stayed holed up in my room, depressed, and listening to sad love songs. I had Brian McKnight’s “Anytime” playing when Donna, my friend that matched Bri and me up, called.

“Hey, Kenny? I heard about you and Bri, ” she said.

“I know she cheated on me. Why else would she call me so early to break up? I’d bet money she’s fucking David.”

“Stop that. She’s not sleeping with him. I’ll find out what happened, but trust me, I’ve been seeing David for like five months now, and we’re about to make things official soon. She’s known David and me since we were kids. She wouldn’t do that to you, and she definitely wouldn’t do that to me.”

Donna sounded confident, but in my heart, I knew I was right.

“Plus, you guys only went out for nine months. At least you didn’t waste too much of each other’s time. Well, Kenny, you know I’m here for you if you need me. Keep your head up, and I’ll talk to you later, sweetie. Bye.”

We ended the call. Talking with Donna didn’t help me. It only upset me more.

It was true, Brianna and I didn’t date long, but I felt she was the one. Before her, I was in a cluster of shitty relationships. There was Chanel. I liked Chanel until her friends convinced her that she shouldn’t limit herself by having a serious relationship with anyone since she had just started college. They told her she needed to “find herself,” and she wouldn’t do that by staying in a committed relationship with me. She was weak-minded and listened to them. I was bitter about that one.

Then there was Leysha. Leysha was fun, and we got along great until she decided to leave me and go back to her ex-boyfriend. She explained that they had broken up on good terms, and while she liked and cared for me a lot, she loved him and wanted to see if they could work things out.

Again, I was hurt and alone. I went on many dates, but I couldn’t find a woman I truly connected with until I met Brianna. I loved Bri more than I loved myself. I didn’t want anyone else. I didn’t need anyone else. As long as I had her, I didn’t desire another girl. I felt Bri brought out the best in me. I didn’t have much, but anything I had, I gave it to her because I always wanted her to be happy. I felt she completed me and thought she was the woman I would eventually marry, but I guess I was wrong.

I drove to Centennial Park in Roosevelt to play basketball and clear my head. The park was deserted. It was windy, and the clouds looked like it was about to pour, but I didn’t care. I missed shot after shot. I just couldn’t focus.

When I got home, I thought of going inside and wallowing in my sorrow, but I decided to walk across the street to my friend Ray’s house since I didn’t feel like being alone.

I knew Ray since junior high. He was good with cars and landed a steady job with BMW right after he finished trade school. Out of all of my friends, Ray was the most logical. While my other friends, Perry and Adam, would tell me to do typical stupid guy shit, Ray always gave me advice that was sensible and mature. I valued his friendship and his opinions.

Ray was a stocky six foot one. He was heavy, but his balanced mix of pudginess and muscle helped him not to look sloppy. He had a copper-colored complexion, always wore a goatee, and had a slightly receding hairline.

I knocked on his door, stood in front, and felt like a loser. When he opened his door, his reaction showed he knew something was wrong.

“You all right, brotha?”

“Nope, I’m a single man again.”

“Shit. Come in, man. I’m guessing she broke up with you?”

“Yup.”

He gave me a brotherly embrace. We walked into his living room and sat on his tan fabric sofa. Ray muted the TV while I brought him up to speed about my breakup with Bri.

“Damn, bro, I didn’t see that coming. You all right?” he asked.

“Nah, I loved her.”

“I know you did, brotha, but dwelling on it isn’t gonna help. Try focusing on other things in your life right now. Put more energy into those things, so they’ll take your mind off her.”

He was right, but when your heart is aching, your mind doesn’t listen to logic.

Minutes later, Ray’s girl, Lucy, and his younger sister, Kim, came home with shopping bags from the mall. Lucy looked as beautiful as ever. She’s petite with a chestnut complexion and long, wavy, jet-black hair. Kim had the same copper-colored complexion that Ray did. She’s shapely with huge tits, so Ray was always protecting her from the knuckleheads that hit on her.

Lucy and Ray had been together since third grade. She lived with Ray in his grandmother’s house since they were in high school. Lucy was smart and landed a job with an accounting firm that paid for her to go to school at NYU. Their relationship is what I always wanted for myself. They complemented each other perfectly, and being around them always reminded me that true love does exist.

I ended up repeating my drama to Lucy and Kim. Lucy sat on the sofa next to me.

“I’m sorry, Ken. I’m not trying to be a bitch, but I think she was fucking too. She wouldn’t have called you at that time unless something was up. I can’t stand cheaters. I don’t understand how anyone could be so selfish. I could never do that.”

“You can do better than that skank, Kenny,” Kim said.

I won’t lie, I still loved Bri, so I didn’t like Kim calling her a skank, but I knew she only said it because she cared.

“Thanks,” I said.

I vented more, and they all chimed in with their thoughts and advice. I wondered if I’d ever feel whole again.

I went back to school and work. The first week went by slowly because I waited by the phone like a chump, hoping Bri would call. That was wishful thinking. The next week went by quicker, but there was still no call from Bri. I started to realize she wasn’t coming back.

I was having a good day. I got As on all four papers for my classes. I was off from work, and for the first time since the breakup, I felt relaxed. I sat in my living room, watching TV when my cell phone rang. I answered on the third ring.

“Yo.”

I heard crying in the background.

“Who’s this?”

There was no answer, just more crying.

“Hello?”

“It’s me, Ken.”

Confused, I asked, “You okay? What’s wrong, Donna?”

“You were right, Ken. She is fucking David.”

When she sprang that shit on me, there went my good day. I sighed.

“What happened?”

“Bri called me and asked if I wanted to hang out, so I was like, ‘Sure, girl, where you want to go?’ She was like, ‘I don’t know. We can figure that out later. Let me pick you up.’ The next thing I know, I see David’s car in front of my house.”

I felt my anger rising in me. A part of me didn’t want to hear that shit, but I needed to. Donna continued.

“So I went outside, and I was surprised Bri didn’t say anything about David being with her. She usually moves to the backseat so that I can sit in the front with him, but she didn’t this time. I thought that was weird, but I let it go and sat in the back. When I went to kiss David, he turned his face, and I ended up kissing his cheek. Something didn’t feel right. We drove around. It got quiet, and they kept smiling and looking at each other all lovey-dovey. As we drove on, Bri turned around, gave me a sorry-ass look, and said, ‘We couldn’t think of a way to tell you, but David and I are together now.’

“I asked her, ‘You mean y’all are in a committed relationship, or he’s just fucking you?’ She stammered over her answer. I ignored her bullshit and faced David. I asked how long they’ve been fucking. Bri answered for him and said—are you ready for this, Kenny?—‘six months.’”

I felt sick to my stomach. I was sweating. I felt like breaking anything I could get my hands on. I repeatedly punched a wall in my living room. My hand throbbed and bled. The skin ripped off my knuckles, but the physical pain was nothing like the emotional pain I felt inside. How could I be so blind? How didn’t I see that?

Donna went on.

“I asked him, ‘So you were fucking me and fucking her behind my back?’ I wanted to smack the fucking smirk off his face. I asked, ‘How could you do this to me?’ He didn’t answer. I turned and faced Bri. ‘You were supposed to be my homegirl. You knew how I felt about David. Out of all the men out there, why did you have to fuck him?’ Kenny, don’t get mad. This part is gonna hurt.”

“I don’t think I can feel worse than I do right now.”

I was wrong.

“I asked Bri how could she do this to you when she knew you loved her. She said, ‘Ken is too weak. He never has money. He can’t even take care of himself. How can he take care of me? What does he have to offer? He can’t treat me as good as David can.’ David was grinning like he was the pimp of all pimps. She said you’re nice, but you’re nowhere near the man she needed.”

I couldn’t talk. I wiped my eyes with my sleeves and told Donna to keep going with her story.

“You sure? Are you okay? We can talk about something else if you want,” she said.

“I’m fine. Keep going.”

I could hear in her voice that she was emotional too.

“Kenny, I couldn’t even look at them. I asked why they took me out to tell me this, and they said they felt they owed it to me. I told them I was done with them both and to take me home. They sucked their teeth and were like, ‘Okay, let’s get you home then.’ When we got back to my house, this heifer tried to hug me. I stopped her dead in her tracks. She tried to justify what she’d done, telling me everything would be okay, and we’d get over this. I let her know she was dead to me, and I’d get her ass back. Are you all right, Kenny?”

“I’m good,” I said, holding the phone to my ear and my left hand to my face.

“Ken, let’s go out tonight, just me and you like we used to.”

“The way I’m feeling, I’d be shitty company.”

“Kenny, please. I don’t want to be alone right now. I need you.”

Somehow, she convinced me to agree to pick her up around five o’clock. I thought about canceling. I was angry and hurt, but Donna told me she needed me. Maybe I needed her too since this all started with her.

Before Donna hooked me up with Bri, I wanted to be with her, but she had a boyfriend at the time. We used to hang out regularly and were close friends, but I wanted more than that.

Since there weren’t many good guys like me around, Donna felt she’d hook me up with her best friend since Bri was tired of meeting bad boys.

At five o’clock, I was in front of Donna’s house. I hoped Bri was close by to see me pick her up so she could be jealous, but I’m sure I wasn’t even on her mind. I honked the horn. Donna’s front door opened, and she stepped out of the house looking amazing. She had on the tightest black jeans I had ever seen, and they accentuated her shape perfectly. Donna wore a low-cut red shirt that showed off her tits, and her makeup was done to perfection. I felt underdressed. All I had on was a blue and white polo shirt, blue jeans, and blue sneakers.

“You look great,” I said.

“Thank you, sweetie.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“A motel with you,” she said with a wink.

I laughed. “Seriously, do you want to see a movie or something?”

“Let’s get something to eat first. We can see a movie afterward.”

We ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings in Hicksville to unwind, watch the Yankees’ game on TV, and have a few drinks. We ate, talked about how shitty love had been to us, and laughed about old times. I noticed she was tossing back drink after drink, so before she got sloppy and we had to cut our night short, I had the waiter stop bringing her drinks. I didn’t know if it was the liquor or all in my head because I was vulnerable and lonely, but Donna kept giving me flirty looks. I tried to ignore it. I didn’t want to do or say something stupid that would ruin our friendship.

After dinner, we went to the movies. Once the lights went off, she was all over me. Between how good she looked and her stroking my dick through my jeans, I hardened instantly.

“Damn,” Donna said.

I needed that confidence boost. She smiled and inched closer to me until our lips touched. She opened her mouth, and it felt good to have her lips on mine. It felt good to be wanted and desired. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other and cut our movie short. I had to have her.

We ended up getting a room at the Yankee Clipper Motel in Freeport. After I paid for the room, I noticed Donna seemed hesitant and looked like she was in deep thought, but her eyes darkened, and before I knew it, she was yanking me to our room.

I opened the door, and there was a neatly made king-sized bed in the middle of the room. We kissed, and in the back of my mind, I questioned if I could go through with it. Would this hurt our friendship? Would anything come from this? Would this take away the heartache Bri had given me?

We undressed each other. Donna stepped out of her black, lacy, Victoria’s Secret thong. Seeing her flawless, curvy, shaved, full-figured body had me hard as a rock.

She pulled off my shirt, rubbed her hands down my chest, and traveled down to my dick. She moaned as I sucked on her neck. I looked into her eyes, and I could see she had doubt. I knew the look because I felt the same way. As hot as Donna was, and as much as I hated Bri at the moment, I couldn’t go through with it. I couldn’t fuck Donna out of spite. I kissed her and said, “We can’t do this.”

“I need to do this. She didn’t give a shit about your feelings or mine. If I go through with it and tell her what happened, it’ll hurt her, and I want her to feel it. As horrible as she has been to you, I know she still cares. She knew I was feeling David, and she knew you loved her. She’s a selfish bitch that thinks you’re weak. In her mind, she can get you back anytime she wants. You’re just her backup plan if things don’t work out with David. She wants a man that’ll pamper her.”

Everything she said pissed me off because I knew she was right. I pulled her to me and looked into her eyes. Both of us wanted revenge. We both wanted a release, but in our hearts, we knew this wasn’t right. I held her naked in my arms.

“We can’t do this. We’re not going to use each other,” I said.

Donna’s eyes were full of tears as she looked up at me and nodded her head in agreement.

We spent the rest of the night talking, and before falling asleep, she looked at me and said, “Thank you for everything. Anyone else would’ve just fucked me without remorse or thinking twice, but you care about me and didn’t take advantage. I respect and love you for that.”

I went to bed feeling good about myself. In the morning, we dressed each other and held hands as I drove her home.

When we got to Donna’s house, David’s champagne Mercedes S500 was parked in front. I looked over at Donna, and she smirked. I guess she was going to get her revenge one way or another.

The driver’s-side door of the Mercedes swung open, and Bri stepped out. Donna stepped out of my car and shot Bri a look. Donna smiled at me, licked her lips, and said, “Thank you for everything last night. I was definitely satisfied with how our night went.”

She smiled at Bri, said, “Bye, bitch,” and walked into her house.

The flush on Bri’s light skin showed me she was furious. She walked to my car and, without asking, flung the door open and got in.

“What the fuck was that, Ken? Did you fuck her to get back at me?”

“Are you serious right now? You’ve been fucking David for six months while we were together, and you’re asking if I fucked Donna last night? I loved you.”

Bri looked at me in disgust.

“I never loved you. When I’m with David, I always wonder why I wasted so much of my time fucking with you. You did nothing for me, and sexually, you’re wack. Sometimes when you used to kiss me after work, I had just finished sucking David’s dick before you came over. So how’d his dick taste, Ken?”

I was falling apart. My hands doubled into fists.

“Sometimes, I’d let him fuck me raw and come inside me, then laugh to myself when I’d watch you eat me out minutes later after he left my house.”

I curled my bottom lip and leaned my head back to hold my tears at bay, but I was losing that battle. As she went on, she stopped talking shit long enough to observe my face.

“Aww, are you going to cry? You’re a pussy. I need a man in my life, not some punk-ass, broke little boy. I don’t care if you fucked Donna. She can have my weak leftovers. I never needed your black ass.”

I was so hurt a. . .