Man Seeking Woman
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Synopsis
In "Center of the Universe," God struggles to balance the demands of his career with the needs of his long-term girlfriend. In "Magical Mr. Goat," a young girl's imaginary friend yearns to become "more than friends." In "Unprotected," an unused prophylactic recalls his years spent trapped inside a teen boy's wallet. The stories in Simon Rich's new audiobook are bizarre, funny, and yet...relatable. Rich explores love's many complications-losing it, finding it, breaking it, and making it-and turns the ordinary into the absurd. With razor-sharp humor and illustrations, and just in time for Valentine's Day, Rich takes listeners for an exhilarating, hilarious ride on the rollercoaster of love.
Release date: January 13, 2015
Publisher: Back Bay Books
Print pages: 224
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Man Seeking Woman
Simon Rich
I born in factory. They put me in wrapper. They seal me in box. Three of us in box.
In early days, they move us around. From factory to warehouse. From warehouse to truck. From truck to store.
One day in store, boy human sees us on shelf. He grabs us, hides us under shirt. He rushes outside.
He goes to house, runs into bedroom, locks door. He tears open box and takes me out. He puts me in wallet.
I stay in wallet long, long time.
This is story of my life inside wallet.
The first friend I meet in wallet is Student ID Jordi Hirschfeld. He is card. He has been around longest, he says. He introduces me to other cards. I meet Learner Permit Jordi Hirschfeld, Blockbuster Video Jordi Hirschfeld, Jamba Juice Value Card, GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld, business card Albert Hirschfeld DDS, Scarsdale Comic Book Explosion Discount Card.
In middle of wallet, there live dollars. I am less close to them, because they are always coming and going. But they are mostly nice. I meet many Ones and Fives, some Tens, a few Twenties. One time, I meet Hundred. He stay for long time. Came from birthday card, he said. Birthday card from an old person.
I also meet photograph of girl human. Very beautiful. Eyes like Blockbuster Video. Blue, blue, blue.
When I first get to wallet, I am “new guy.” But time passes. I stay for so long, I soon become veteran. When I first meet Jamba Juice, he has just two stamps. Next thing I know, he has five stamps—then six, then seven. When he gets ten stamps he is gone. One day, Learner Permit disappears. In his place, there is new guy, Driver License. I become worried. Things are changing very fast.
Soon after, I am taken out of wallet. It is night. I am scared. I do not know what is happening. Then I see girl human. She is one from photograph. She looks same in real life, except now she wears no shirt. She is smiling, but when she sees me, she becomes angry. There is arguing. I go back inside wallet.
A few days later, picture of girl human is gone.
That summer, I meet two new friends. The first is Student ID New York University Jordi Hirschfeld. The second is MetroCard.
MetroCard is from New York City and he never lets you forget it. He has real “attitude.” He is yellow and black with Cirque du Soleil advertisement on back.
When MetroCard meets GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld, he looks at me and says, No wonder Jordi Hirschfeld not yet use you. I become confused. Use me for what?
That night, MetroCard tells me many strange things about myself. At first I do not believe what he says. But he insists all is true. When I start to panic, he laughs. He says, What did you think you were for? I am too embarrassed to admit truth, which is that I thought I was balloon.
It is around this time that we move. For more than two years, we had lived inside Velcro Batman. It is nice, comfy. One day, though, without warning, we are inside stiff brown leather. I am very upset—especially when I see that so many friends are gone.
No more GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld. No more Blockbuster Video Jordi Hirschfeld. No more Scarsdale Comic Book Explosion Discount Card.
Only survivors are MetroCard, Driver License, Student ID, myself, and a creepy new lady named Visa.
I am angry. What was wrong with Velcro Batman? It had many pockets and was warm. I miss my friends and I am lonely.
A few days later, I meet Film Forum Membership Jordan Hirschfeld.
At this point, I am in “panic mode.” What is “Film Forum”? Who is “Jordan Hirschfeld”?
Jordan Hirschfeld is same guy as Jordi Hirschfeld, Metro-Card explains. He is just trying to “change his image.” I am confused. What is wrong with old image? That night, I poke my head out of wallet and look around pocket. It is dark, but I can see we have new neighbor. He says his name is Cigarettes Gauloises. He is very polite, but I get “weird vibe” from him.
It is about this time that I meet strip of notebook paper. On him is written [email protected].
Now we’re getting somewhere, MetroCard says.
I have never been more frightened in my life.
That Saturday, five crisp Twenties show up. I assume they will stay long time, like most Twenties. But two hours later, they are gone, replaced by receipt La Cucina.
MetroCard looks at receipt La Cucina and laughs. She better put out after that, he says. I am confused and worried.
Later on, I am minding my own business, when Jordi (sorry, “Jordan”) shoves his finger into me. I am terrified. What was that, I ask. MetroCard grins. He is checking to make sure you’re there, he says. For later.
My friends try to calm me down. One of the dollars, a One, tells me about the time he met Vending Machine Pepsi. He was stuffed in and out, in and out, so many times. He almost died. I know he is trying to make me feel better, but I am like, please stop talking about that.
Eventually, the moment comes. It is like other time. I am taken out of wallet and tossed on bed. It is very dark. I can make out shape of girl.
She picks me up and squints at me for a while. Then she turns on lamp.
I am confused. So is Jordan Hirschfeld.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
His face is like Jamba Juice Value Card. Red, red, red.
“I think,” she says, “that this might actually be expired.”
There is long silence.
And then, all of a sudden, the humans are laughing! And then the girl is hitting Jordan with pillow! And he is hitting her back with pillow! And they are laughing, laughing, laughing.
The girl reaches into her bag.
“Don’t worry,” she says. “I’ve got one.”
Part of me kind of wants to watch what happens next. But I am quickly covered in pile of clothes.
When I wake up next day, Jordan is dangling me over trash can. I look down into pit. Inside are Cigarettes Gauloises and Film Forum Schedule. They are talking “philosophy.” I sigh. I do not really want to move in with them, but what can I do? I figure this is “end of the line” for me.
Suddenly, though, Jordan carries me away—to other side of room. I am placed inside shoe box under his bed.
At first, I am afraid, because it is dark, but as vision adjusts I see I am not alone. There is strip of notebook paper [email protected]. There is receipt La Cucina, on which is now written, “first date.”
I spend long, long time in shoe box.
When I arrive, I am “new guy.” But as time passes, I become veteran. I welcome many new friends: Birthday card Rachel. Happy Valentine’s Day Rachel. And many, many Post-it Notes Rachel. I love you, Jordi. Rachel. Good morning, Jordi! Rachel. Everything in here is Rachel.
I do not know how things are in wallet these days. But I am glad to be in shoe box. I feel as if I have “made it.” I am happy. I am warm. I am safe.
OLIVIA FROWNED AT HER Marmite sandwich. She knew she must consume it or face the wrath of her governess. But the smell was so revolting she could not bring herself to take a single bite.
She opened the curtains and sighed. It was only teatime, but it might as well have been night. The fog obscured all traces of the sun. It had been raining for days and the entire estate had turned a greyish brown. Even the flower garden had lost its colour. It looked to Olivia like a giant heap of Marmite, mucky and ugly and foul.
“Oh, what a dreadful summer!” she cried.
And indeed it was. Her parents had gone on a three-month pleasure cruise and left her under the care of Ms. Higginberry, a horrid old woman who was constantly forcing her to practice sums. As far as Olivia knew, she was the only child in all of Hamptonshire. There was no one to play with and absolutely nothing to do.
“If only something exciting would happen,” she thought miserably. “Anything at all.”
She was about to try the loathsome Marmite sandwich when something peculiar caught her eye.
“Good heavens!” she whispered. “Have I gone mad?”
She knew it was impossible, but there appeared to be someone standing in her looking glass.
Olivia was frightened, but she had always been a curious and intrepid child. She stood up slowly and turned to face the mirror.
There—framed in the looking glass—was a large brown goat. He looked like the ones she’d spied on the servants’ farm. Two brown horns protruded from his knobby head, and a shaggy beard hung fuzzily from his chin. But unlike most goats, he was standing on his hind legs—and wearing a three-piece suit.
“My goodness!” Olivia gasped. “A goat in a waistcoat!”
“I got it on Jermyn Street,” the creature replied. “Isn’t it stupendous?”
Olivia began to feel faint.
“You can talk?”
“Yes,” the creature confirmed. “But I’m afraid we don’t have time for conversation. You see, I’ve come to take you on an adventure—a stupendous, tremendous one!”
Olivia flushed.
“But my governess… she said I was supposed to sit right here until I finish all my Marmite!”
“Your governess is a Willy Wally! If she fancies Marmite so much, she can eat it herself!”
Olivia laughed for the first time in weeks.
“Why, you’re delightful!” she said.
The goat bowed modestly.
“You’re too kind.”
He stuck his paw through the looking glass, grabbed the Marmite sandwich off her plate, and gobbled it up in a single bite.
“Zerkity zerks!” he said, grimacing. “That was awful! But at least it’s gone now—and we can be on our way.”
“But where are we going?” Olivia asked her new friend.
The magical creature laughed heartily.
“Where aren’t we going?”
The next few days were a flurry of excitement. Yes, there were still sums to solve and Marmite sa. . .
In early days, they move us around. From factory to warehouse. From warehouse to truck. From truck to store.
One day in store, boy human sees us on shelf. He grabs us, hides us under shirt. He rushes outside.
He goes to house, runs into bedroom, locks door. He tears open box and takes me out. He puts me in wallet.
I stay in wallet long, long time.
This is story of my life inside wallet.
The first friend I meet in wallet is Student ID Jordi Hirschfeld. He is card. He has been around longest, he says. He introduces me to other cards. I meet Learner Permit Jordi Hirschfeld, Blockbuster Video Jordi Hirschfeld, Jamba Juice Value Card, GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld, business card Albert Hirschfeld DDS, Scarsdale Comic Book Explosion Discount Card.
In middle of wallet, there live dollars. I am less close to them, because they are always coming and going. But they are mostly nice. I meet many Ones and Fives, some Tens, a few Twenties. One time, I meet Hundred. He stay for long time. Came from birthday card, he said. Birthday card from an old person.
I also meet photograph of girl human. Very beautiful. Eyes like Blockbuster Video. Blue, blue, blue.
When I first get to wallet, I am “new guy.” But time passes. I stay for so long, I soon become veteran. When I first meet Jamba Juice, he has just two stamps. Next thing I know, he has five stamps—then six, then seven. When he gets ten stamps he is gone. One day, Learner Permit disappears. In his place, there is new guy, Driver License. I become worried. Things are changing very fast.
Soon after, I am taken out of wallet. It is night. I am scared. I do not know what is happening. Then I see girl human. She is one from photograph. She looks same in real life, except now she wears no shirt. She is smiling, but when she sees me, she becomes angry. There is arguing. I go back inside wallet.
A few days later, picture of girl human is gone.
That summer, I meet two new friends. The first is Student ID New York University Jordi Hirschfeld. The second is MetroCard.
MetroCard is from New York City and he never lets you forget it. He has real “attitude.” He is yellow and black with Cirque du Soleil advertisement on back.
When MetroCard meets GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld, he looks at me and says, No wonder Jordi Hirschfeld not yet use you. I become confused. Use me for what?
That night, MetroCard tells me many strange things about myself. At first I do not believe what he says. But he insists all is true. When I start to panic, he laughs. He says, What did you think you were for? I am too embarrassed to admit truth, which is that I thought I was balloon.
It is around this time that we move. For more than two years, we had lived inside Velcro Batman. It is nice, comfy. One day, though, without warning, we are inside stiff brown leather. I am very upset—especially when I see that so many friends are gone.
No more GameStop PowerUp Card Jordi Hirschfeld. No more Blockbuster Video Jordi Hirschfeld. No more Scarsdale Comic Book Explosion Discount Card.
Only survivors are MetroCard, Driver License, Student ID, myself, and a creepy new lady named Visa.
I am angry. What was wrong with Velcro Batman? It had many pockets and was warm. I miss my friends and I am lonely.
A few days later, I meet Film Forum Membership Jordan Hirschfeld.
At this point, I am in “panic mode.” What is “Film Forum”? Who is “Jordan Hirschfeld”?
Jordan Hirschfeld is same guy as Jordi Hirschfeld, Metro-Card explains. He is just trying to “change his image.” I am confused. What is wrong with old image? That night, I poke my head out of wallet and look around pocket. It is dark, but I can see we have new neighbor. He says his name is Cigarettes Gauloises. He is very polite, but I get “weird vibe” from him.
It is about this time that I meet strip of notebook paper. On him is written [email protected].
Now we’re getting somewhere, MetroCard says.
I have never been more frightened in my life.
That Saturday, five crisp Twenties show up. I assume they will stay long time, like most Twenties. But two hours later, they are gone, replaced by receipt La Cucina.
MetroCard looks at receipt La Cucina and laughs. She better put out after that, he says. I am confused and worried.
Later on, I am minding my own business, when Jordi (sorry, “Jordan”) shoves his finger into me. I am terrified. What was that, I ask. MetroCard grins. He is checking to make sure you’re there, he says. For later.
My friends try to calm me down. One of the dollars, a One, tells me about the time he met Vending Machine Pepsi. He was stuffed in and out, in and out, so many times. He almost died. I know he is trying to make me feel better, but I am like, please stop talking about that.
Eventually, the moment comes. It is like other time. I am taken out of wallet and tossed on bed. It is very dark. I can make out shape of girl.
She picks me up and squints at me for a while. Then she turns on lamp.
I am confused. So is Jordan Hirschfeld.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
His face is like Jamba Juice Value Card. Red, red, red.
“I think,” she says, “that this might actually be expired.”
There is long silence.
And then, all of a sudden, the humans are laughing! And then the girl is hitting Jordan with pillow! And he is hitting her back with pillow! And they are laughing, laughing, laughing.
The girl reaches into her bag.
“Don’t worry,” she says. “I’ve got one.”
Part of me kind of wants to watch what happens next. But I am quickly covered in pile of clothes.
When I wake up next day, Jordan is dangling me over trash can. I look down into pit. Inside are Cigarettes Gauloises and Film Forum Schedule. They are talking “philosophy.” I sigh. I do not really want to move in with them, but what can I do? I figure this is “end of the line” for me.
Suddenly, though, Jordan carries me away—to other side of room. I am placed inside shoe box under his bed.
At first, I am afraid, because it is dark, but as vision adjusts I see I am not alone. There is strip of notebook paper [email protected]. There is receipt La Cucina, on which is now written, “first date.”
I spend long, long time in shoe box.
When I arrive, I am “new guy.” But as time passes, I become veteran. I welcome many new friends: Birthday card Rachel. Happy Valentine’s Day Rachel. And many, many Post-it Notes Rachel. I love you, Jordi. Rachel. Good morning, Jordi! Rachel. Everything in here is Rachel.
I do not know how things are in wallet these days. But I am glad to be in shoe box. I feel as if I have “made it.” I am happy. I am warm. I am safe.
OLIVIA FROWNED AT HER Marmite sandwich. She knew she must consume it or face the wrath of her governess. But the smell was so revolting she could not bring herself to take a single bite.
She opened the curtains and sighed. It was only teatime, but it might as well have been night. The fog obscured all traces of the sun. It had been raining for days and the entire estate had turned a greyish brown. Even the flower garden had lost its colour. It looked to Olivia like a giant heap of Marmite, mucky and ugly and foul.
“Oh, what a dreadful summer!” she cried.
And indeed it was. Her parents had gone on a three-month pleasure cruise and left her under the care of Ms. Higginberry, a horrid old woman who was constantly forcing her to practice sums. As far as Olivia knew, she was the only child in all of Hamptonshire. There was no one to play with and absolutely nothing to do.
“If only something exciting would happen,” she thought miserably. “Anything at all.”
She was about to try the loathsome Marmite sandwich when something peculiar caught her eye.
“Good heavens!” she whispered. “Have I gone mad?”
She knew it was impossible, but there appeared to be someone standing in her looking glass.
Olivia was frightened, but she had always been a curious and intrepid child. She stood up slowly and turned to face the mirror.
There—framed in the looking glass—was a large brown goat. He looked like the ones she’d spied on the servants’ farm. Two brown horns protruded from his knobby head, and a shaggy beard hung fuzzily from his chin. But unlike most goats, he was standing on his hind legs—and wearing a three-piece suit.
“My goodness!” Olivia gasped. “A goat in a waistcoat!”
“I got it on Jermyn Street,” the creature replied. “Isn’t it stupendous?”
Olivia began to feel faint.
“You can talk?”
“Yes,” the creature confirmed. “But I’m afraid we don’t have time for conversation. You see, I’ve come to take you on an adventure—a stupendous, tremendous one!”
Olivia flushed.
“But my governess… she said I was supposed to sit right here until I finish all my Marmite!”
“Your governess is a Willy Wally! If she fancies Marmite so much, she can eat it herself!”
Olivia laughed for the first time in weeks.
“Why, you’re delightful!” she said.
The goat bowed modestly.
“You’re too kind.”
He stuck his paw through the looking glass, grabbed the Marmite sandwich off her plate, and gobbled it up in a single bite.
“Zerkity zerks!” he said, grimacing. “That was awful! But at least it’s gone now—and we can be on our way.”
“But where are we going?” Olivia asked her new friend.
The magical creature laughed heartily.
“Where aren’t we going?”
The next few days were a flurry of excitement. Yes, there were still sums to solve and Marmite sa. . .
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