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I hear the front door open and slam closed, I hear footsteps, and then I smile. “In five,” I say to myself, holding up five fingers. “Four.” I close down one finger. “Three, two, one.” I point at the bedroom door as it swings open.
“What is taking you so freaking long?” my sister, Franny, huffs, coming into the room. “We said five minutes.” She stands there in blue jeans, ripped at the knee, and a white cotton T-shirt tucked into the front. Her blond hair is braided at the side, and her blue eyes are staring at me. We are opposites in every single way. Where she has blond hair, I have auburn hair, just like our grandmother. Where she has blue eyes, I have green eyes, they change with how I feel, and our height is the only thing we have in common. She also has bigger boobs than I do, but that is what the miracle bra is made for.
“How was I supposed to know you really meant it this time?” I ask her as I zip closed my luggage. “How many times did you say five minutes, and then I’m sitting in the car waiting for you guys to be done?” I close my hand in a fist and smack it with my other hand to mimic sex. I walk over to the side table to grab my laptop, putting it in my Louis Vuitton big bag.
“Valid point”—she laughs—“but we are in the car, and Dad already called twice. We are officially late.”
I shake my head, walking around the guest room, making sure I didn’t forget anything. “Why is he like this?” I ask, grabbing my luggage and Louis. “It’s not like there aren’t people at the house already. It’s Sunday.” Sunday lunch is notorious in our family. It started once and just kept going. It’s a day when we all gather at someone’s house and eat ridiculous amounts of food. “I bet you, right now, at least forty people are in his house, and he’s still pacing around like no one is there.”
We walk down the stairs toward the front door. “You know, unless the four of us are there, he feels like he’s missing a piece of himself.” She mimics the words he says all the time. I can’t
help but chuckle at the irony of it. He’s big bad Matthew Grant, but his life is all about his family.
The hatch of the Range Rover swings open, and Wilson, Franny’s husband, gets out of the SUV. He’s wearing shorts and a T-shirt with a baseball cap backward. “What took you so long?” he asks, reaching for the bag in my hand.
“I thought you guys were banging,” I answer him honestly, and he laughs. “You know, since you don’t have the baby, you got to get a couple of rounds in before she comes back and cockblocks you.”
“As if my daughter would cockblock me,” he jokes as he puts my luggage in the back and presses the button for the hatch to close.
“It’s all fun and games until you walk in on your parents grinding uglies.” I close my eyes when I think back to walking in on my parents not so long ago. “I swear I’m suffering from PTSD.” I walk over to the back door of the SUV and open it, getting in.
The drive takes us less than three minutes, and I see the street lined with cars. “Why was he calling when he has a household full of people?” Wilson mumbles as he gets out of the car.
I laugh, getting out and walking up the driveway to the front door. My parents split their time between New York, where my father was the GM for the New York Stingers but is now the team owner, and Dallas, where my brother, Cooper, plays on the team. My other brother, Chase, is their team doctor.
The minute I open the door, I can hear the chaos from the kitchen spreading out into the foyer. The number of baby bags at the door is on another level. “There is your mom,” I hear my mother say as she walks into the room holding Stella, Franny’s one-year-old daughter.
“Hi, baby girl,” Franny coos, holding out her hands for her daughter, who just stares at her like she did her wrong.
I roll my lips. “Someone is holding a grudge,” I state, walking over to my mother and kissing her cheek. “Did your mom desert you, Stella Bella?” I ask her, and she just looks at me. “Trust me, this is so much better than walking in on her trying to ride your father.”
“Would you stop that?” my mother shrieks. “We were dressed.”
“Not even close.” I shake my head. “Not one stitch of clothing was around either of you.”
“Look at my princess.” Wilson smiles at Stella, and she side-eyes him, too.
“Tough crowd. I would ask you to come to me, Stella, but let’s be honest,” I tell my niece. “You don’t really want me either.” I lean in to kiss her cheek, and she whines and tries to push me away. “I’m going to go see my other favorite niece.”
“Don’t threaten her like that,” Franny scolds, pushing me away. “Come and see Mommy.” She holds her hands out.
“Ask her to wash her hands first,” I throw over my shoulder. “Chances are she had your dad’s pickle in her hand.”
“There you are,” my father says, coming out of the kitchen. “I’ve been waiting for you.” I just laugh at him.
“Dad, there are about a hundred people here.” I look around, seeing kids running everywhere.
“Yes, but I missed my baby.” He grabs me and brings me in for a hug. “It pains me that you don’t use your bedroom here.”
“It pained me to see you naked,” I counter back, and he laughs.
“Are we still leaving after dinner?” I ask, and he nods his head.
“Plane leaves at seven,” he says. “Should get in about eleven local time.”
“Sounds good. I have something to do tomorrow,” I tell him and walk away before he asks me what. I step into the kitchen, stopping to kiss a couple of the kids and say hello to my sister-in-law, Erika. “Where is my favorite niece?” I look around. “Who just turned four.”
“Good save.” She laughs. “She was in the backyard discussing why we should get a dog with your brother.”
“Aw,” I say, putting my hand to my chest. “You’re getting a dog?”
“Immediately, no.” She shakes her head. “I said they were discussing it.”
“You know he’ll just say yes.” I laugh, grabbing a plate and walking over to get some food.
“He says yes, and I’m leaving him,” she huffs. “We already have a million kids. I don’t have time for a dog.”
“You think he’s going to allow you to leave him?” I throw my head back and laugh. “How far do you think you’ll get before he drags you back?”
“What are you two talking about?” my brother, Cooper, asks, coming beside Erika and pulling her to him. The two of them were best friends who then fell for each other when he got divorced.
“She said she’s leaving you if you tell Felicia that you can get a dog,” I fill him in, and he laughs.
“Never.” He shakes his head. “It’s not that bad. I asked Dylan.”
“Cooper Grant,” Erika warns. “I’m not kidding with this one.”
“I know,” he says. “I sent her to ask my dad.” We both gasp. “Let him say no to her.”
“That’s low, even for you,” I say, turning and walking outside, where round tables are set up everywhere. Most of them are filled with people eating, and I spot an empty place at my brother Chase’s table. “Hello, lovebirds.” I sit down and look over at my brother and his new fiancée, Julia.
“I didn’t think I’d see you today.” Julia smiles. “You hit the wine really hard last night.”
I laugh. “Just following your lead.”
“Next thing you know, you’ll be in love,” Julia teases, and I glare at her.
“Bite your tongue,” I retort, eating my food. Now, it’s not to say that I don’t want to be in love. I know that love exists because it’s all around me, all the time. I look at Chase putting his arm around Julia and kissing her lips. Cooper comes over and sits next to me, followed by Erika, who he pulls onto his lap. Michael, my other cousin, is the next to join us with his wife and Julia’s twin, Jillian. Franny, Wilson, Dylan, and Alex are the last ones to crowd the table.
“When are you coming back?” Jillian asks me, and I shrug.
“I’m not sure,” I say, taking a bottle of water on the table and opening it. “I sort of am making plans for the summer right now.”
“Really?” Franny says. “Like what?”
“Um.” I look around to make sure my father won’t hear this. “You can’t tell Dad yet,” I inform her.
Cooper already shakes his head while Chase looks up at the sky and mumbles, “Dear God.”
“I like where this is going already,” Alex says before she shouts out, “Oh my God, are you going to spend the summer in Europe?” She puts her hands together. “That was my dream.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Dylan says from beside her. “We did that ‘summer in Europe’ shit. You don’t remember all the fucking Instagram pictures we had to take. You only booked hotels you found on Instagram. A whole month of switching hotels because the other one had better views. Do you know how many freaking steps we went up in Italy?”
“You’re welcome.” Alex glares at him. “Besides, who invited you on that trip?” She rolls her eyes at him, and he leans in and kisses her. “Yeah, whatever, I can hate you and kiss you all at the same time.”
“Oh, trust me,” he huffs. “I know.”
“This is what happens when you marry your cousin,” I joke with them, and everyone laughs. They really aren’t cousins in that way. My uncle Justin adopted Dylan, who then became best friends with Alex. Only a couple of years ago, they finally declared what everyone already knew; they loved each other.
“Can we get back to what we aren’t supposed to tell Dad?” Cooper asks, and then my father pops up behind him with my uncle Max.
“Yes, please, let’s keep secrets from your father,” Max says, chuckling at him.
“Just like a Band-Aid.” Franny leans over, and I take a deep breath.
“Well”—I clear my throat—“I was thinking about what to do this summer.” I tap the table with my finger. “And I bought a boat.” I look around the table, seeing everyone just looking at me.
“What do you mean you bought a boat?” my father says, glaring at me.
“I mean that I bought a three-bedroom, two-bathroom floating cottage.” I take a drink of water.
“Hold on a second,” Cooper says, putting up his hand. “What do you mean a boat?”
“I have pictures,” I reply, grabbing my phone out of my pocket and opening it to the photo gallery. Handing it to him, I can’t help the smile that fills my face and the calmness that comes over me.
“This is a yacht!” Erika blurts out. “This is not a boat.”
“Where are you parking this?” Michael asks as he grabs the phone from Cooper.
“It’s going to be parked at the marina,” I inform them.
“You can barely drive a car,” Franny joins in. “You live in New York.”
“I can so drive a car,” I reply through clenched teeth, “and I got my boat license.”
“So you can drive the boat?” my uncle Max asks me, shaking his head.
“Eventually,” I answer honestly.
“How the hell did you get a license?” Michael asks me, leaning back in his chair.
“Online,” I tell him, and Franny just gasps. “I did it in one day.”
“That can’t be right,” Wilson says, looking at me and then my father. “Or safe. Right?”
“Who the hell would get a license online to drive a boat?” Alex asks me. “Like, that is bigger than a van we had in Hawaii, and you ran over a flower bed.”
“You will not be driving this boat anywhere,” my father orders. “What the hell are you going to do?”
“I plan to spend the summer on it,” I tell him what I was going to tell him at a later date, but now the secret is out. “So there you go.”
“Absolutely not,” my father says, shaking his head vigorously. “That is not going to happen.”
“Dad,” Franny says, laughing, “she bought the boat. I think it’s pretty much happening.”
“What if there are pirates?” Uncle Max now chimes in, and the whole table laughs.
“It’s New York. I don’t think there are any pirates,” I reassure him, shaking my head.
“I am putting my foot down,” my father insists, and I just look at him.
“Fine,” I reply, getting up. “See you in October!”
My eyes flicker open slowly as the sound of the soft bells fills the room. I blink a couple more times before I roll over the king-size bed, reaching out to stop the ringing. Lying in the middle of the bed with my hand on my chest, I hear the clicking of nails on the floor before I feel her jump up on the bed. “Good morning, Beatrice,” I greet her when I hear her sniffing as she walks toward me. “Did I wake you?” She lies down beside me, putting her head on my chest. I stroke her head. “How did you sleep?” I look down and all she does is blink her eyes for a second before closing her eyes. The room is still pitch black. “Are we not getting up this morning?” I ask her, and I can hear the thumping of her tail on the bed. I toss off the covers, getting up and walking to the bathroom. “You get five more minutes,” I tell her as she lifts her head to look at me before putting her head back down and closing her eyes. I shake my head, walking into the bathroom and turning on the dim lights.
I wash my face and slip on a pair of basketball shorts before turning and walking out of the bathroom. The bed is now empty as I walk out of the room, walking up the five stairs to the galley. The soft lights from under the cabinets fill the almost dark room as I open the shades and start my coffee. I walk to the back with the sliding door and push the curtains open. “I think it’s going to be a nice day,” I state when Beatrice comes beside my leg. “They said it was going to rain, but I don’t know about that.” I turn and walk back down to my bedroom to grab a sweater and the baseball hat I always wear. Slipping on the black sweater, I push my hair back, then put the cap on backward.
Clapping my hands together, I turn back to the galley as the smell of coffee fills the air. I open the drawer and take out my big white coffee mug, filling it with coffee. “You ready?” I look over at Beatrice, who is sitting at the door. I grab the leash from the couch by the door before unlocking it and sliding it open. The cool air hits me right away. “Oh, it’s chilly this morning,” I observe, walking out and sliding on my boat shoes. The sound of
the water hitting the boat is almost peaceful. Birds chirping can be heard. “Let’s go,” I say, walking to the side and stepping off the boat to the dock.
I wait for Beatrice, who jumps off the boat like it’s no big deal. The sun is slowly starting to peek out of the sky. “Another day.” I take a sip of my coffee. “Another dollar.” We walk down the dock to the end of our row, turning to the left and strolling to the metal walkway that leads up to the street.
I press the button to open the security gate to the outside parking lot. The door opens, and we slowly take our morning walk. I look down at all the boats, all the slots now filled up. When I came in from the Gulf Coast three weeks ago, four or five boats were docked. But as the weather started getting nicer and nicer, more and more boats started coming into port.
I walk down the sidewalk, seeing the water calm as I drink my coffee. “What do you think, Beatrice?” I look over at the dog, who ambles next to me. “Is this year going to be as good as last year?” She looks down as she walks over to the corner and stops to pee. “I think so also.”
I laugh at my own joke as we walk quietly down the pier. How different the past two years have been for me. I shake my head and take a sip of the coffee. My heart speeds up a touch when I start to think about how different my life is. Two years ago, I was at the lowest point in my life. I was playing in the NHL, living the dream of so many people, yet inside every single day I was dying. My headspace was an absolute nightmare. I was in a downward spiral, and if I hadn’t gotten help, I would have been six feet under right now.
So what did I do? I hung up my skates and walked away from the game that brought me so much joy, but also kicked me all the way down into the black abysses. It was a vicious cycle, one that is not really talked about. It’s pushed under the rug, as they say, everyone knows what is going on, but no one has the balls to stand and say it. So I took myself out of the running. I shocked a lot of people when I walked away. My agent was the only one who knew the truth about why I was walking away from it.
Everything else was speculation, and even though I didn’t want to know, I heard through the grapevine and from eavesdropping on some conversations that the press spun it a totally different way. I also knew that there was nothing I could say to make anyone change their opinion of me. I learned that the hard way. There is nothing quite like waking up after a hockey game and
seeing your name plastered on the front cover of the sports section because you sucked so bad. Not even my father knew what to say, not that I shared much with him. We had our ritual Sunday calls, which lasted a good four minutes, depending on the news that day, and that was it. I did my duty as a son to reach out to him, because I knew it was what my mom would have wanted.
Every single day I went through the motions of what it was to live. But what I really needed was someplace to go where I would be able to get out of my head and unplug. The ocean was that place. I had no idea, and when my therapist suggested renting a boat and going out onto the water, I did it solely to tell her I did it. But the minute we got out in the middle of the ocean, it just grounded me. I couldn’t explain it, but I knew I needed to get my own boat.
For the last two years, I’ve been living on my boat. Was it a spontaneous purchase? Yes. Did I regret it? Not even for one freaking second. Let’s be honest, I’m not living on some rinky-dink boat. This one is a four-bedroom, three-bathroom, sixty-five-foot yacht. I laugh, shaking my head as I think about how I felt when I visited it. I knew the minute I stepped onto the boat I loved it. As I looked around, I tried to make excuses that this was too much boat for me. I was one person, after all. Why did I need four bedrooms? It’s not like I had any family who would come on board. But as I walked around the boat, it just felt like home. Which sounded silly at the time. Fuck, it sounds silly now. I left the boat and then went on a long walk. A walk where I tried to make a pros and cons list about having a boat. The only thing on the pro side was peace. Which I guess was enough for me because I got on the phone and made an offer. I then turned around and sold my house on Long Island. Sold the house as is, with everything in it, and bought a boat. I decided to focus on me, for the first time in a long time. I didn’t want the house or the memories it had anymore. I closed the chapter on that part of my life, and I was okay about it.
Once I bought the boat, I knew I needed someone to come with me. I got a captain to come on board. Every single day, he came on the boat and we went through everything. The training went on for four months. Four months of ten-hour days, we would take the boat out, and he would show me different things. I loved every fucking second of it. When summer turned into fall, he introduced me to Steven, who came with me as I took the boat from New York to Miami. It took us way longer than it should,
but I knew the boat inside and out by the time we got there. When it was time to return to New York, he flew out and made the trip with me. It took us half the time. The only reason I loved coming back to New York was it somehow felt like coming home. Even though I went through the worst times of my life, it still somewhat felt like home.
“What do you have planned for the day?” I ask Beatrice as we walk down the path we take every single day and night. The sun is slowly starting to peek out. “I think it’s going to be a hot day.” I take another sip of my coffee as Beatrice turns around the bend. After the boat, the best thing I got was Beatrice. I was in Miami one day when I went for a run in the morning. Stopping for a second, I looked over at the window, and there she was, sitting in a pet shop just looking at me.
I walked in, and an hour later, I was leaving with a puppy and more shit than I knew what to do with. Because of my travel schedule, I never had a pet. I was never home long enough to want a pet, but now the time was my leisure. I laugh when I think back to the training stages. She really fucking hated those pee pads. She would pee right next to it while looking me in the eye. Just to tell me she was the boss, and even though I denied it, she was. She was the only woman in my life, and I was more than happy about that fact.
“I think we should take the boat out today, ...
