Lovestoned

by T.P. Carter

Genres: African American; African American Women's Fiction; African American Romance

Synopsis

With an unforgettable voice, Essence ® bestselling author T.P. Carter delivers a stunning novel that takes readers into the mind and heart of an artist who loves like crazy. . . Islam Ian has the world at his feet. Everywhere the talented painter goes- galleries, nightclubs, even the streets of London and New York-women are drawn to him. But Islam feels nothing but emptiness. Every encounter is just another fling, every breakup the same. Then one night at a party, he is drawn to a mysterious woman who blows him away, a woman who can melt him with just a glance. After only a brief encounter, Islam can't get her off his mind. But as he falls deeper in love, his intense desire for this woman drives him to unpredictable emotional heights and forces him to question his morals, his limits, his beliefs, and even his sanity. . .

Release date: January 28, 2011

Publisher: Kensington Books

Print pages: 417

Sample

The game. Again. There is no truth in the game we call love. Not honesty, not fact or frank. There are frauds and fakes and pretenders, those who liveth and loveth a lie. There are pawns, vats, traps and whirlpools. Proprietors of end, loss, labyrinth and shame. This is what I recall. That there is no happiness in love. No harmony, no calm. There is no love in a game that everyone plays, but no one seems to win.

Please be patient with my depiction. I paint a horrible portrait. This I know. But when I think love, I see and feel shadows. Eclipse. No light. Pardon me, but that’s what I remember. That there is no light in love. No sunrise ...

Sunrise is strange. It’s the most bizarre time of day for me. There is something divine—almost curative in the organic happenings of the few hundred seconds it takes for the sun to shake hands with the moon. Each day the earth resurrects—awakens with new perspective. New energy. If we all could be so open to change, so indifferent to difference, maybe if our perspectives were as changeable as the earth’s, humanity would be a portrait I’d love to paint. In colors that would make me feel less unusual. Less strange.

I’m awakening from a dream—a nightmare, that lets me know what day it is. Every year there is the same dream. The same images. I am in a black box. Not a coffin. Not a hole. But a box. I am screaming, but there is no sound. I am crying but there are no tears. Everything in me is shaking, but the box stands still. Just me. In a box. Until sunrise. I don’t know what it means, but I know what day it is. It is the day of my mother’s death.

I am awake. But there are other images. Me, as a youngster, walking home from school, knowing but not knowing that something was wrong. Approaching the door to our small home, hearing my mother’s voice as she spoke gently to my younger brother.

Play a game with Mommy . . .

I know that today is special. I’ve painted a huge portrait just for her. She, myself and my little brother. It’s the first one I’ve ever done this big. And the first I’ve ever given a name to. All We Have. There is mother. There is my little brother. And there is me. It took so long for me to paint it. I hope she likes it. I did it just for her.

It’s okay, mommy is okay . . .

Go ahead Micah,

Kick it for mommy . . .

My hands are sweaty. I know something is wrong. I double-check the painting. I hope she knows it means love.

Go ahead sweetie . . .

She sounds so tired. I can’t wait to make her smile. Can’t wait to be her “big man.” She cried last night. And today, I promised. I will do the dishes. I will put the toys away. I will make sure Micah eats his dinner. I will give her a special gift.

There is a sound. A scream. Something’s wrong with my little brother. I fumble with the key. Turn it twice to the left. Push. Still locked. Another scream. And crying. Lots of crying.

Mommy . . .

I’m sorry. I’m sorry mommy . . .

When the key finally turns and the door opens, I can’t move. I can’t say a word. I don’t know what this is. What I see, I’ve never ever seen before. There is a rope. A small chair. And my little brother’s arms around her legs. She wiggled. Made a funny face. And then just hung there like a doll. All I could think of was that she’d never even seen the painting.

I remember these things and wait for tears that never fall. I reach over to the nightstand and pick up the small framed photo of my mother and me. I glance towards the corner of the room and see the gift that was never given. Every year the ritual. The dream. The photograph. The gift. I remember. Look. Wait. For a feeling that never comes.

Another morning in East London. I yawn. Stretch. Negotiate with my conscience. It’s time to get up, but the chill of early day and warmth of fleece and sheets keep me still. I lay in bed, my usual morning meditation running its typical race. Except today things are different. After almost two decades of living in London, I’ve decided to move back to the US. To concentrate on my career as an artist. I’ve never truly been an expressive person, but what I can’t find or feel in myself, I see on canvas. It’s my connection to the earth. To the universe. And the only proof that I’ve been here. It is all I am. And now it’s time to spread my wings. It’s time for the student to leave the master.

I stare at the ceiling and breathe in. The rising of the sun encouraging me to make the change. Mother earth changes every day. There is growth. Rebirth. Spirit. Freedom. So many perspectives. I want to grow and change. I want to spread out. To be connected. To be free. But something about it—change, freedom—keeps me lying on my back this morning, thumb wrestling my thoughts.

A deep breath and much adieu, I will myself out of bed. No results. I count to three. A second attempt to thrust myself onto the cold tile proves more effective. I trot to the bathroom, take a quick wash, rinse my teeth, and almost on autopilot, adhere to the mother I’ve come to know as routine. A few steps to the Indonesian cloth that has seen many a humble day from this mate. Palms to the heavens. Heart in my hands. I clear my throat and face the east.

“Sh’ma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu Adonai Echad . . .”

I take a deep breath. Inhale the false. Exhale truth.

“Barukh Shem k’vod malkhuto l’olam va-ed . . .”

As I do this—as I utilize one of the oldest languages known to man, let the coarseness of each syllable rip through me, I get a rush.

“Barukh atah Adonai Elohaynu melekh ha-olam,

she-ha-kol nih’yeh bid’varo . . .

Blessed art thou O Lord our God . . . King of the universe . . .

. . . Barukh atah Adonai Elohaynu melekh haolam . . .”

Deep breath. “Amein.”

I open my eyes. The fully risen sun streaming rays through the large English windows in my bedroom. Windows that are probably larger than the room itself. Out of habit, I reach over and grab the only articles that have ever made me feel alive. My paint brushes. In a fingerprinted gesture, I manipulate my favorite brush, toy with my life. This is the beginning of my day. I stretch. I pray. I paint. Simple as it may sound, that’s me.

The blaring scream of a ringing telephone prior to six a.m. should land one in a dirty middle-eastern holding cell. I answer it anyway. I know who it is.

“Morning, princess.”

No answer.

“Morning, Yasara.” I’m not in the mood for this. Without warning, she toppled bricks on an otherwise peaceful morning.

“When were you going to tell me?” She’s livid. About what, is the question. I think I know. But with women it could be anything.

“What was I supposed to tell you?” I hate to be patronizing. And as intelligent as she is, it only pisses her off even more.

“For bloody sake, Islam. You are a cold bastard. I can’t believe I ever fell for you. How could you make plans to leave—to move for Christ’s sake and never rightfully discuss them with me? Did you ever love me? Did you ever give a fuck? Did you ever truly care enough to . . .” She’s on a rant. A frantic knock on the door let me know we were in for a routine morning. She waltzed in, placed the phone on the armrest of my favorite second hand recliner and stood in the middle of the living room floor. Which also happens to be the bedroom. Which also happens to be my studio. I know I’m wrong. She knows it. I know it. I relay that to her the best way I can.

“Green tea this morning?” I ask.

“You’re ignoring the issue, Islam.”

“I do not know what the issue is. How can I ignore it? Are you having tea?”

“You’re an immature bastard and I can’t believe I’m with you.”

“I don’t have any honey. How many sugars?”

“Would you address the issue and stop this madness? Are you leaving London and returning to the states or not?” Her eyes were needle points at the base of my spine. Damn. I had planned to tell her tonight. That I’d decided to return to the US to focus on my career. That although there is no place in this world like London for an artist, that I needed a change of scenery. Needed new interaction, new experiences. I needed a muse. I hadn’t discussed anything with her because I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to do until last night. I hate having life-changing conversations under those circumstances. Being so unsure. Most times, answers to questions like these come to me at night. On the terrace, on the toilet, it doesn’t matter. I get my answers the old fashioned way. They fall out of the sky. This thing they call inspiration, the other they call spontaneity—two things that seemingly dominate my life, have caused me nothing but stress. I tell her that in my own way. With a kiss.

“Islam. St-stop it with the kisses.”

I continued. Her forehead. Her nose. Her left earlobe. When I got to her eyelids, they were wet. Shit. I hate it when she cries.

“Get off of me, right now.” She pushed me away, the glare in her eyes less vengeful, more like I’d just sold her first born into slavery. “Are you leaving me or not?” My lover, my friend of five years, took two steps back. Looked at me like I was Hitler.

I thought about the question. Am I leaving her? Not necessarily. I am leaving London. I have to. Aside from inspiration and artistic splendor, I can’t concentrate here. I can paint but I can’t concentrate. Painting is only half the battle. The business side of art required focus. I am not focused in the UK. I love it too much. Love the vibe. I need to be a tad more . . . how do I say it? Bored. Less to do so I can apply my already short attention span to things of importance. Called one of my best mates—who is like a brother to her, shared the news with him and asked him not to say anything of it. So much for confidentiality. I’m going to kill him. I don’t want to have this conversation with her right now. I wish I had handled this differently.

I picked up another brush and started our routine. Undressed her with each kiss. Fingered the paint brush with one hand, a very special place of hers with the other.

“I love you,” she said. I thought about it, but didn’t reply. I never do.

We lay still. She, sleeping lightly and me painting in bed. With a brief look around the flat, I take informal inventory. I’ve sold almost everything. All my paintings. Except for the one I’m working on and the gift, which is not for sale. That is how I know the time has come for change. I have arrived at the person I am going to be here. Although I know I will return, when I do, it will be with new perspective. Hopefully.

Right now, I’m tidying up a piece that I was commissioned to do for a large arts foundation. Funny, after all of these years of playing with color, I still find the essence of my expression on canvas in my depiction of women. The works of mine that sell, happen to be just the opposite, murals and abstract mirages of color that expose less of the human soul. It makes me wonder about people, about the state of humanity. Me, included. So I paint women, in different stages of life, and although I’m not finished, the one I’m currently working on is my best work to date. I say it’s funny, because my interactions with women tend to be catastrophic.

A dab of medium red here, a smudge there and I sign my name illegibly in the bottom right hand corner of my work. Memory takes me to a distant place, where virgin thoughts of my first love almost evaded me in a place where no one seemed to be able to find value in the truest means of expression for me. In grade school, I knew. Before then, I knew. I loved to paint. But when I told this to friends, family and passersby, they laughed or looked at me in pity. How would I ever support myself? A wife? Children? What was I to do? I hadn’t any idea of what or who I’d like to become other than the next Van Gogh. A physician? An attorney? High-powered businessman? They all came to mind. Those were the acceptable answers. Anything but becoming an artist was acceptable, so I concentrated on a lesser love—science. Purely for the love of the human body. And the sound of it. Instead of preparing for a white coat future and appeasing those around me, I painted all the illustrations in my books and managed to fail every course I took. Except philosophy and art. So much for mollification. I left for London, the birthplace of my mother, as soon as I’d been offered the chance. I feel closer to her here, as if she is watching me somehow.

I watch Yasara sleep. Add more color. Although I can’t say that I belong anywhere, I’m here. That should stand for something. No matter who I am with, friends, women, colleagues, I cannot say that I’ve ever truly felt connected to anyone or anything. Sometimes I’m proud of that. The isolation. The fact that I can bear it. Not need anyone. Then in the blink of an eye, the pride is muted and I’m not able to deal with the silence in my head. Sometimes it’s the most natural state of being for me. To be alone. As an artist, I prefer to live in solitude but desperately need company at times.

A stir. My girlfriend moves toward me in her sleep, as if she’s forgotten the current state of affairs. We are intricately fixed, legs and sorts wrapped and re-wrapped in a juxtaposed arrangement. Both together and apart, the linen provides the only true connection between us. The sheets just as confused as I, bound by a man who wanted to be free, but had no idea of where to begin. I stare at the ceiling as usual, attempting to detangle my legs and my thoughts, desperately trying to make sense of my life as that seemed to be all I could do this morning.

The past hour has been intense. Yasara and I made our usual morning love. Prior to her leaving for work, she requests it. Whether she is upset with me or not has no effect on the session. The bedroom has never been a problem in this relationship, or in any of my others. It’s the other rooms that avalanche. The ones that require conversation, sentiment and feeling. She stirs. I reach for her. She jolts. Moves away. She doesn’t want me to touch her. The beautiful Egyptian goddess has awakened. So has our reality. She sighs. I savor her features. Her dark hair, olive skin, the deep curve at the small of her back. I study these imprints of female splendor that Yasara carries like an everyday handbag and wonder why she ever gave me a chance. The silence is offering me a second one. If I could explain myself, we may be able to work on things. I don’t know what to say. Fuck me.

“Where is my jumper?” she asked as if making love were nothing but a trip to the local market. I don’t want her to leave. I care for her and want to sort this out. Frantically searching for the right words, we are both disappointed. As usual, I turn up with nothing. I hate this. I don’t know how to handle it.

“Islam. Help me look for my clothes.” She eases out of bed and throws the sheets left to right. Looks under the bed. Behind it. Never once looking my way. I wish one of us would say something. She obliges.

“When I leave today, I never want to see or speak to you again. Do you understand that?” There was no mistaking the seriousness in her eyes. I knew she would hold to her word. I knew not to call her no matter how much I missed her. How much I needed her. I’ve seen her cut off family members who’ve deserved it. I guess this was inevitable. I will miss her terribly, I wish I could say that. What’s wrong with me? The only thing I could do was reach out to her, attempt to soothe her pain, which regardless of how indifferent I seemed, I did care and I felt her heart break. Whenever I’d reach for her, she’d pull away. She would have no parts of me. Yasara’s focus was on getting dressed, getting out of my flat and out of my life. She’s that strong.

I watched her elegantly place each piece of clothing on, as if she were being judged by a panel of experts. If you weren’t close enough to see for yourself, you wouldn’t believe the monstrous landslide of tears making their way down her beautiful cheeks. I couldn’t find the words if my life depended on it. She moved toward the door and hesitated as if she’d thought of something new to say, something to ease the ache. Then the old metal door that let her into my flat, let her out with the same dungeon-like clank. Yasara never looked back.

“Next stop, Piccadilly Circus . . . please mind the gap . . .”

I’m being accosted by two of my best friends, and I use the term loosely, because I don’t believe in friendship, I don’t consider myself to have real friends. Just acquaintances that make it a habit to be involved in my life. These two henchmen, Paul and Ahmed, were more involved with my affairs than my natural brother.

Paul is a fellow artist, a sculptor no less, who works for the same gallery as I, expertly transporting art. If I believed in true friendship, Paul would be my truest friend. We attended Camberwell College of Arts in South London together. On the first day, to a sculpting course, we were each twenty minutes late. At least twenty minutes. The instructor, known for making a spectacle of latecomers, began a typical rant. I of course, had no applicable reason for being late. I just was. So I ignored the tirade, passing seconds by sending non-verbal messages to a fit young lady on the front row. I figured that when the overly dramatic instructor tired of me standing quietly in the center of the room, he would simply ask me to sit. Paul, however, took center stage and made it clear that if he were the best sculptor in the room—which he was certain that he was, then it wouldn’t matter if he were tardy or not, it would matter only that he had arrived. That was my introduction to the production that is Paul. Realizing that he believed every single word that he said, I laughed so hard that we were both sent off. We have been mates ever since.

Ahmed led a much more interesting life as an international deejay and music producer. I had previously been made aware of him through various adverts, festivals, and the likes as he was a headliner at most European dance music venues. We met officially at If Music, a lounge-like vinyl shop in Soho known worldwide for its elite clientele. I, having all of twenty pounds to my name and willing to spend it all on great music, hardly qualified as elite, but I loved the vibe of the place. And the music selection. Plus you could never pinpoint which world-famous deejay would walk in at any moment. Ahmed Irenai being one of them. He was getting special service at the till, as his deep Iranian pockets were good for at least a thousand pounds in great dance music, and I was trapped behind him, waiting to purchase a single CD. For some strange reason, he would not allow me to pay before him, but offered several different types of chemical stimulant to me for my troubles. I had no choice but to get to know him. Now that I do, I realize that absolutely nothing Ahmed does makes sense except music. The best parties in the world, guaranteed are his. There is nothing like watching him mesmerize a crowd of fifty thousand. He travels the world for free, samples the best food and women, and Paul and I keep him company. Keeping him off the coke is a more tedious task. The two of them are the closest to family that I have here in the UK. The closest I have period. Another reason the decision to leave London was a hard one to make.

Paul, having the most common sense of the trio, is giving me stress over my a.m. break up. Or the fact that I didn’t do anything about it. “. . . So you let a woman who could possibly be the most beautiful and intelligent woman in Europe walk out of your flat and you did nothing. Absolutely nothing!” he ranted. I tried to keep myself from laughing. Not at the content of his discourse, but the drama. Paul is so dramatic. He saw the playful expression on my face and misinterpreted it.

“And you have nothing but laughter to show for your hopeless example of a life! Why do I bother with you! You are a danger to yourself! Who is off limits, Islam? Whose life wouldn’t you ruin?” The passengers on this morning’s Piccadilly Line glanced back and forth indirectly between the two of us. I guess it’s my turn to reply.

“Is that question rhetorical?” I asked.

Paul shook his head. “No, I want to know. Whose life do you cherish if you can’t even do what’s best for yourself?” He’s serious. Damn.

“Married women. I don’t screw with couples. You know that. So at least somebody has a fair shot, wouldn’t you say?” I joked. He didn’t find it funny. I knew it wasn’t. I tried my best at an explanation. “I don’t know. She came in and already knew about the move so I didn’t know what to say . . .” I answered, quite sheepishly. I’m not fragile. I just hate being put on the spot. Especially during the morning rush hour on the tube. “. . . and because I had no time to gather my thoughts, and didn’t want to say the wrong thing, I . . . I don’t know. Shit happened.”

“Well, how did it end?” Paul asked. He took a personal interest in my and Yasara’s affairs. He introduced us, and convinced her family that although I was American born, I wouldn’t mistreat her. How did it end? It all happened so quickly. I attempted to answer my long time friend. As well as the tube passengers.

“She told me that she never wanted to see or speak to me again,” I replied.

“And what did you do?” Ahmed decided to join us after thirty minutes of silence. Drugs are no good for even the most eclectic of souls.

“I put the finishing touches on the piece that I was commissioned for through the Royal Academy of the Arts Foundation,” I answered. Paul looked at me in disbelief, Ahmed laughed. We stood in silence—the three of us, for a few minutes. The back and forth motion of the compact carriage induced a sway that should nauseate everyone, but never did.

“Do you recall the personality profile tests we took last month? Initially, I doubted the results of yours but now I see what they meant when they said you had the emotional profile of a serial killer. You’re a sociopath,” Paul stated in disgust. If that’s what he calls my behavior—sociopathic, then I’m relieved. At least it can be defined. I’m tired of being in the dark about me.

Paul and I arrived to the usual morning buzz at the gallery. The down-tempo drum and bass mix of Jhelissa’s “Friendly Pressure” crooned softly through the small ceiling speakers. Although I worked in my field, as the assistant director of a small gallery called John Martin on the west end, some days it felt more like play than work.

“What are you doing with that?” I asked Paul.

“What do you mean what am I doing with it? I’m taking it to the truck,” he answered. He was wrapping a piece by Mark Adlington, one of our newest acquisitions, the one we were giving the next show slot to. Paul couldn’t be taking that one out yet. It had just arrived. The British artist has a following but damn, this is ridiculous.

“Who ordered it? I don’t remem—” the clicking of expensive heels on wood startled us both.

“—Charles Tensely did. He called me yesterday and asked for it no matter the cost. Asshole or not, it’s why I looooovvvve himm!” my boss interrupted, singing the final part of the sentence in a tune particular to straight women and gay men. I took a look at the cost sheet. Eighty-five hundred quid is definitely something to sing about. “But Paul, you don’t have to deliver it, we’re going to have it sent over this evening special delivery . . .”She continued. The look on Paul’s face said it all. What do you mean special delivery, I AM special delivery! Made you wonder where the cameras were. I chuckled inside. When you’re working with artists, there is never a boring day. She continued to inadvertently insult him. “. . . so don’t bother with it, just go ahead with some of the lesser pieces.” Julia Boyd was a nutter. Paul was a gay man in a straight man’s mind, spirit and body. Together, they made for an interesting work week.

My boy looked at me with one of his undercover glances. My take is, this glance stands for “Did you tell her about leaving yet?” A tennis match of ocular call and response.

“No.”

“Well when are you going to?” he shot back.

“Not now.”

“Well when?” his eyes were getting larger by the moment, aggravating me more by the second. I forgot the communication between us was a silent effort.

“In a minute!” I shouted.

“In a minute what?” Julia asked. Damn you, Paul. I wasn’t counting on this being the first thing I had to do today.

“I uh . . . uhm . . .” I’d already had one catastrophe this morning, I didn’t need two. Honesty. The best policy. Well, sometimes it is. “. . . I . . . have something to tell you, Julia.” I uncomfortably began what would be my official salute to the UK. Job resignation.

“Make it quick, I have a morning studio visit with Liam Steinbeck, who I’m trying to secure before Albermarle or Alan Cristea does. There are almost as many galleries as there are exceptional artists these days. Is everything okay?” she asked in the middle of brushing her hair and all the other things women do every half hour in the mirror.

“I’m thinking of moving back to the States.” I started, and before I went any further, I figured I’d better oblige Paul by coming correct before he had an anxiety attack over there. I re-phrased the statement. “I am moving. Back to the US.” She looked me in the eye through her mirror. Searched for uncertainty or any indication of falsehood.

“You’re serious,” she stated flatly.

“Serious about what?” Mark, the other co-director walked in. Picked up where his partner left off. She answered for me.

“Serious about moving to the US. Islam is moving, Mark. He’s leaving us. When?” For a moment, I saw a flash of the angst—if you could call it that—in Julia that I saw in Yasara this morning. To a lesser degree, of course, but still the same. Brought back memories of her cappuccina legs wrapped around my head in the shed downstairs.

“I haven’t worked it all out. But before the month is out. I’ll be here long enough to hire someone qualified for the job, so no worries.” I answered. Mark sat at his desk, shook his head. Julia looked at me like we were sharing identical thoughts.

“You’ll be bored, Islam.” Mark replied.

“That’s what I told him,” Paul added. “What could he possibly do to a piece of canvas outside of Europe? Use it as a drum head?” Everyone erupted in laughter. Underneath all of that drama is a comedian who’ll put Chris Rock out of a job.

The day progressed as usual. Lunchtime was busy. Ours being a more progressive gallery, offering an array of contemporary art in varying mediums from paint to video installation, tends to attract a more nouveau clientele.

My thoughts were interrupted by a clever-looking young lady standing in the middle of the gallery floor. She was admiring a sculpture of a circular structure molded in the likenesses of Venus, Earth and our Moon. A red planetary formation appeared in the distance, looking downward toward the trio with its arms crossed. The epistrophe read: Of Women, By Women, For Women. It was Paul’s. It was weird and always attracted the attention of women. It was his way of saying you can run the world as long as you let me fuck you.

The young lady stood in front of the metal structure until she got it. The message was hidden but it didn’t take her long. Obviously bored with the array, she asked of no one in particular,

“Where is Islam?”

Mark, already en route to where she was standing, gave me a hearty pat on the back and whispered,

“My God. Would you look at those tits? Islam, we are truly going to miss you, blood.”

The gallery staff wrongly blames me for every decent looking woman that walks through the colorful lacquered doors. As Mark continued on toward the front of the space, he didn’t mind being the first to answer the young beauty. “Yes, Islam is right over there, and he is free. Don’t let him tell you otherwise,” Mark flirted.

I don’t know why everything is always such a stage play with my friends and women. “Can I help you?” I asked.

“I’ve come to personally deliver the invitation for the private studio party tonight. Velasquez Vitro’s Moon Opaque, in Shoreditch. Details are provided on the invite.” She delivered the lines as rehearsed and paused before her next invocation. “You look unlike what I imagined,” she said, her Mona Lisa smile easy for me to read. It quickened my pulse. I know that smile well. I let one thing lead to another. As usual.

“What did you imagine?”

“The Holy Grail,” she answered plainly.

“And what does that look like?”

“I’m not sure now. You’ve thrown me off. Surely it couldn’t be th. . .