The bowstring cutting into my fingertips distracted me from my pain. I focused on the center of the target and relaxed my shoulders, loosing the arrow. It hit with a solid thud and I smiled for a brief moment. At least I could control this part of my life.
I pulled another arrow from the sheath and glanced out of the corner of my eye at the maidservant whose job it was to keep me company. A so-called perk of being the High Queen. I was never, ever, alone. Whether I wanted to be alone was another story. I didn’t begrudge the girl—she was doing her job—but it didn’t mean I enjoyed having an audience for nearly every moment of my life either.
The arrow flew as I released it and I took a deep breath. Grabbing another one, my hand brushed against someone else’s right behind me. Spinning around, I pulled out my last arrow and handled it more like a dagger, pointing it at the person in defense.
Haldrek put his hands up and smiled as I relaxed, sheathing the arrow. That’s why my maidservant had been silent. Haldrek had picked up a habit of sneaking up behind me and loving on me since we’d gotten married. I loved it—most days.
The servants knew better than to interrupt.
But today had turned out to be a lousy, horrible day and it was still early morning. The sun had only just risen over the mountains in the east. I sank my head into Haldrek’s chest and let the tears I’d been holding back flow. His gambeson could take the wetness.
“I was looking for you,” he whispered, his face burrowing into my hair. “If you’re here…” He hesitated. “Did it come again?”
“Yes.” I laughed bitterly. “My period started again this morning.”
“I’m sorry. We’ll keep trying. My men are still searching for Rorik. He will pay for what he’s done. I promise.”
I hated that I was crying right now. But my emotions kept crashing around inside of me like waves on the coast. My gift of shifting between the Realm of the Living and the Realm of Ghosts had turned into a curse. Nightmares plagued me nearly every night, leaving me exhausted. Now that my father was in Mirroth, there wasn’t anyone within the Realm of Ghosts to aid me when Rorik would inevitably drag me there. Being a necromancer meant he had powers like mine. Only more sinister. His skills had been honed through practice, while mine were still instinctual. And he used his ability to shift between realms to torment me on a regular basis.
“I’m afraid, Haldrek. Part of me wants to get pregnant again. But if I do…” My throat squeezed tight at the thought. I didn’t think I could handle what I’d gone through again. Even when Rorik wasn’t tormenting me in the Realm of Ghosts, I still had nightmares about what had happened months ago. I felt guilty, wondering if my fears were preventing me from getting pregnant again. As illogical as it seemed, it could be possible. There were a lot of illogical things that were normal here.
“You’re afraid that Rorik will take away any other children you may carry?” His voice was quiet enough that only he and I could hear his words.
I nodded. The memory of the dream where I had fought Rorik and lost, only to wake up to agonizing pain and more blood than I could imagine, still seared itself into my mind on a regular basis. I couldn’t tell anyone, except Haldrek, about my fears and the emotions I was feeling. There was no one I truly trusted here in Drattüjert. Haldrek had mentioned talking to Mattie, but I was reluctant even with her. Not that she wouldn’t be sympathetic, but she had her hands full with being the Thegn of Andrattür and her own newborn child. So I struggled, alone. As much as Haldrek tried to comfort me, there was little he could do to fight off the terror that Rorik sent my way.
“I’m also afraid.” I hesitated. “What if I can’t have any more kids? What if Rorik’s magic did something to me—” There had been rumors spreading across the palace. Questions about whether or not Haldrek and I could have children. I let out a sob that shook me. Haldrek’s hug grew tighter.
“I don’t think he did. The healers and Rhaegos both said—“
“I know what they said. They said I would be fine. That my body would heal, but it would take time. But I also hear rumors. From the other women at court here.” I pulled away and looked up at Haldrek. “They all think I’m barren and that Lohikärra is going to be plunged to chaos as soon a
s something happens to either of us. And of course Kamira is using that as a reason to say that I shouldn’t be High Queen. That I am an infertile half-breed.”
Haldrek sighed, irritation evident in his body language. This wasn’t the first time I’d mentioned his cousin’s antics. While it was normal for thegns to send family members to court on their behalf, neither Haldrek nor I knew why Raynord had sent his granddaughter to Drattüjert on his behalf. Not when there were other family members of his who could speak for him.
“I can talk to Kamira and Raynord once more. Reprimand her again and remind her of her place. Tell him she is being disruptive. But there isn’t much more that I can do beyond that. Raynord chose her and even as the High King, I can’t force him to choose another. For now, at the very least, ignore her. She’s an immature girl who knows less about court manners than she thinks.”
“I know. But it still hurts.” My abdomen tightened again with more cramps and I leaned into Haldrek, trying to ignore the aches.
“I have some good news. While my men haven’t found Rorik yet, they know roughly where he is. I received word yesterday he was seen holed up in the mountains of Etelaranikä. It’s a remote part of Lohikärra, but that means he’s cornered. Physically, at least.”
“It’s also in his backyard.” I pulled myself closer to Haldrek, using the pressure of his body against mine to soothe me. The scent of honey and woodsmoke clung to him and calmed my mind as my body relaxed.
“It is. But my spies also tell me the people of Etelaranikä are suffering. I’ve sent gifts to aid them. Food, drink, cloth. All to help them while their thegn-heir has abandoned them. And I’ve made sure they know who those gifts are from.”
I smiled. That had the potential for good. Maybe even make the Etelaranikäns rise up against Rorik. Not that I blamed them if they were still terrified of him. “Any other good news?” I asked, my cramps lessening for a moment.
“Bjorn’s son Kotkel has said that his father is open to pledging his fealty to me. As has Drifa Kiimaami with her husband.”
The idea of thegns who had sided with Gustav having people at Drattüjert still irritated and confused me. I didn’t trust the four hersirs who spoke for those thegns, but Haldrek said it was wise. Something about keeping your friends close and enemies closer.
“Do you trust them? Or their words?”
“About as far as I can throw them.” Haldrek laughed, his chest rumbling. It felt good in his embrace. “But I am open to the idea of them seeing the errors of their ways. All four hersirs know that they walk a fine line. Well, most of them do. But I don’t think Sibila is a threat.”
I nodded. Another strange choice for a hersir. I got the impression that Sibila was sent to Drattüjert less to advise and more for her safety, or to keep her out of the way. Her mother—Rorik’s stepmother—sat in the thegn’s chair in Etelaranikä and while her feel
ings toward Haldrek and I were unknown, she had disavowed Rorik as soon as Haldrek and I became High King and High Queen. She was an unknown factor, so I was leery of both her and her daughter.
Haldrek squeezed me once more, bringing my mind back to the present. “Don’t worry. At least not for today. We will have children in the future, regardless of what any fools here say. Once Rorik is dead or has submitted to me, we’ll be safe. I promise.”
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