Joe Weller Explores: Haunted Hotel

by Joe Weller

Genres: Action & Adventure

Synopsis

For fans of The Sidemen, a hilariously spooky choose-your-own-adventure book from YouTube sensation Joe Weller. Join Joe as he explores a haunted hotel, where petrifying paranormal surprises can lurk in every dark corner. You can stick with Joe or you can choose your own path and make your way through the building as you encounter long eerie corridors, experience horrific chills and not to forget, you may witness Joe behaving like an absolute nut-job. Enter at your own peril. And be sure to bring a torch with you as it's going to be one unforgettable adventure.

Release date: November 2, 2017

Publisher: Headline

Print pages: 256

Sample

Priory Grange Hotel. Look at it sat there, all dark stone and shadows and cobwebs. Dead. Maybe.

According to the sign that still hangs at the end of the driveway, this place once had five stars. You can see them right there on the chipped paint sign, next to the graffiti and the explosive stain of what you’re really hoping is just a ball of earth, thrown at the sign by bored kids.

Online the reviews were a different story:

This place is supposed to be luxurious, but the noise at night! We couldn’t sleep because of the row coming from the room next door. Called management and they actually had the cheek to insist there was nobody staying in that room! As if we hadn’t been listening to them for hours! Crying, shouting and shifting the furniture. We won’t be staying there again.

Given the cost of the room, you’d hope they could afford heating. My wife and I just couldn’t get warm.

Staff are useless! I needed help with my door lock and I saw a porter further along the hallway. I called to him but he just stared at me then walked off! I went after him but when I turned the corner he’d gone! He’d actually run off rather than help me!

And on, and on, and on.

There were good reviews too. Of course there were. A place like this wouldn’t stay in business for a month, let alone ten years, if it was always that bad. But the number of bad reviews grew and the number of guests didn’t.

And it wasn’t just the reviews. After all, not all of the guests survived long enough to write one.

And then, finally, there was the fire. And the screaming. And the smothering smoke.

So now it sits there. Dead. Maybe.

You can’t tell the difference between the gardens and the woods that surround them. It’s all just green. Brambles like barbed wire, nettles grown thick into hedges. Piles of dead leaves under your feet, dry and brittle on top, wet and rotten underneath. Like walking on dead bodies.

The driveway is a scar amongst the foliage, leading up to the tall brick wall that surrounds this place like a prison. The only thing new here are signs telling you to ‘Keep Out’. There are so many of them it feels like a warning about much more than the fact the property is private. It feels like someone is screaming at you to run.

Beyond this wall the grounds of the hotel begin.

To one side there’s a maze. A dark cube of overgrown hedges. Once people got lost here, now the maze itself seems confused as to what it should do.

A few metres away, buried under ivy, there’s a mound of stone. It used to be a fountain. Now it’s just big, discoloured squares of rock, like rotten teeth. Maybe it died of thirst. Water’s not run through its pipes for decades. The hotel owners planned to maintain it but the cost was too high. So they left it as a bit of decorative lawn art for the guests to take pictures of. It looked good on the brochures. Classy. Ancient.

The last time the fountain drank, Priory Grange was a private home, lived in by the Godling family. Rich, famous, broken.

Isaac Godling. Gentleman, millionaire, bastard. When you want to poison a tree you pour the poison at its roots. Same with a family. Isaac was toxic and those that came after him – or came close to him – soon began to feel it.



But maybe the roots go back further than Isaac and his ruined family. Maybe the roots stretch all the way back to when there really was a priory here rather than just a building named after one. Maybe it’s because of the monks and the things the villagers believed they did here. Maybe they scarred the place. Because sometimes the earth remembers. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you build, how much you try and change, deep down beneath it all, the place is just broken. The place is haunted.

Looking up at the towering, dark shadow of the Priory Grange Hotel (dead, maybe) you can well believe it.

‘Right then,’ says Joe, ‘we going in or what?’

START AT NUMBER 1, AND LET’S HOPEYOU GET THROUGH THIS THING ALIVE.



‘So, here we go! Abandoned hotel. The boys have come to explore.’ Joe’s face is lit by the camera light, a pure white beam that kills the night. ‘We’re stood in the grounds of what used to be the Priory Grange Hotel. Pretty pricey place to stay at. It closed, like, a year ago and since then it’s just been sat here caught up in some dodgy ownership battle. Turns out the company that owned it hadn’t paid their mortgage so the bank wanted to take it from them. So nobody’s been allowed in here. It’s basically just been left – with everything still inside. Now the bank has sold it on and they’re going to build flats or something. People are coming in to strip the place before the bulldozers level it all. They’re literally turning up tomorrow morning so this is the last night to do this. Another couple of weeks and this’ll just be mud and rubble.’

‘Sounds good,’ you reply. Because, honestly? You already don’t like the feel of this place. Being here is freaking you out and the idea of broad daylight and a bulldozer tearing its way through all of this is no bad thing.

‘And for once we’ve actually been able to get permission,’ he says. ‘Cos someone at the bank likes the videos and was able to get us in.’

‘That’s decent!’ you say.

‘Just is! But anyway, we have the keys to the gate and the night is young, so let’s take a look.’

You start walking towards the building.

‘This literally looks so dodgy,’ says Joe, ‘but I guess nobody cares, or they didn’t want to spend the money on repairing it.’

‘The fire?’ you ask.

‘Yeah,’ he nods. ‘The fire. The hotel wasn’t doing well anyway, lots of weird stuff happening which I’ll tell you about in a bit, but then a fire broke out – or someone started it, nobody really knows – and that was that. According to the bloke at the bank, the fire damage was only in a few parts, the fire doors and the fire brigade saved it from being much, much more serious. Still would have cost thousands to repair though and as the place was struggling anyway… Closed down. Gone.’

‘How many people died in the fire?’ you ask him.

‘Again they got lucky – though I guess it sounds wrong to call anything like this lucky – but there were only a few. Realistically, it could have been so much worse. A couple died from smoke inhalation, some accidents as people tried to get out and fell or whatever. Also the manager of the hotel who they really struggled to identify. I mean… she was roasted. Some people reckon she might have started the fire but, I don’t know, that might just be people chatting absolute dross. There’s no real proof. Lots of others were hurt of course, running out of the building, fire and smoke everywhere. Honestly though? The fire’s just a small part of it. This place has got an unreal amount of history, I’ll tell you about it as we go.’

The two of you start pushing through the undergrowth, moving towards the building. Branches snapping underfoot sound ridiculously loud out here and you can’t help but wonder if someone is listening as you come closer.

‘How the bloody hell are they gonna clear all this out then?’ says Joe, before tripping over a fallen branch and falling head first into the undergrowth.

‘My skull!’ he shouts, his voice muffled by the dirt and the weeds. ‘Extra enjoyable feeling on my cranium. You get that on film?’

‘Course I did,’ you laugh, keeping the camera on him as he gets back up.

‘At least it’ll be good for the vid.’ He’s grinning. ‘Good job geeza!’

Somewhere in the distance you hear the loud crack of a branch snapping. You stop laughing.

‘Oh Jesus!’ says Joe. ‘Tell me you heard that?’

‘I heard it.’

You both stand completely still for a moment.

‘Turn the light off,’ he whispers.

You do and now it’s pitch black and all you can hear is the sound of the wind rustling the leaves. Still you stand there, waiting to hear another sound. A sign that there’s someone else out here. A sign you’re not alone.

Silence.

‘I think we’re alright,’ says Joe, ‘let’s keep going.’

You turn the light back on and try and ignore the idea that while you were stood there, staying as still as you could, someone else was doing the same thing – maybe only a few metres away – waiting for you to start moving again so they could follow.

The undergrowth clears a bit as you get on to the old driveway. The building is surrounded by a high wall. On top of the wall bales of barbed wire stretch off into the darkness.

‘They really don’t want people getting in here do they?’ you say.

‘There’s probably some valuable stuff inside,’ Joe replies.

A big metal gate has been constructed over the entrance. Joe unlocks the padlock on the gate and you step through. He locks the gate again behind him and puts the keys in his pocket.

‘Look after those,’ you tell him, ‘I don’t want to get stuck in here until the morning.’

‘They’re safe,’ he says, patting his pocket, and the two of you head up the driveway.

You can’t get a full sense of the place in the dark, just the small circle that’s visible in the halo of your light. Old lawns, once immaculate squares bordered with plant beds, are now long messes of green, like someone had painted a garden and then swirled their finger through it while the paint was still wet. On your left, the old fountain. On your right a statue of an angel, stone wings spread, ready to take off and get the hell out of there. Sensible angel.

Ahead of you the building rears up, blocking out the night sky. It’s huge, a gothic castle, a place taken right out of a horror movie. The old stone is stained and blackened with dirt and soot, some of the windows shattered and filthy.

The driveway opens out into a forecourt of weed-strewn gravel. On your right, a huge stone porch, an umbrella of shadow hiding the front door.

‘Hang about,’ says Joe, before announcing to anything that can hear: ‘We come in peace, we mean no disrespect to any spirits that may be here.’ He stands there for a minute: ‘Alright then! What do you reckon? Try the front door or circle around the building and check the outside first?’

FRONT DOOR? GO TO NUMBER 8.MOVE AROUND THE HOUSE? GO TO NUMBER 5.



It was the noise that was doing Scott Monroe’s head in. Such a tiny noise. Nothing really. The sort of thing that most days you wouldn’t even notice. But today… tonight… the buzzing of that fly made him want to scream. If he could just get to sleep then it would be fine but it had been hours now, hours of staring at the ceiling and listening to the sound of that horrible winged bastard buzzing around the room.

It wasn’t the fly. He knew that really. His head was too full, that was all. He just couldn’t switch off.

Ed Leonard. It would all have been fine if it wasn’t for Ed Leonard.

Ed Leonard with his expensive haircut, his expensive car, his big perfect grin. During these long sleepless nights – because tonight really wasn’t the first – Scott liked to imagine spending five minutes with that grin and a hammer. Not a big hammer, no, one of those little ones for knocking in tacks. Just big enough to take out one perfect bloody tooth at a time. What a happy five minutes that would be.

Ed Bloody Leonard.

If it hadn’t been for him, Scott wouldn’t be lying here on his own tonight. Or any night. Hannah would be lying here with him. Just as it should be.

It had been going on a while. He and Hannah had gone out for drinks after work a few times, and then recently they’d started meeting for dinner. The new Thai place near the train station, or the Japanese under the arches. It had never led to anything, they hadn’t even kissed. Honestly? Scott had never quite had the nerve. They’d had some good nights. They always had a laugh. In a way, Scott had been scared of pushing his luck. Because if he’d tried it on and she’d said no then he’d have broken it wouldn’t he? And it just felt too lovely to break. So he had settled for a hug and a peck on the cheek as she got in a minicab. Instead Scott waited. One day, he was sure, she’d make a move, and then that would be that and everything would be alright. Yes.

No.

Because he’d been emailed this offer for a one-night stay in a lovely hotel in the country. He’d nearly deleted it. Ever since he’d been persuaded to book a ‘romantic weekend’ with his ex he’d been getting spam emails for meals in restaurants, hotel breaks, train tickets. Usually he just binned them but that day, bored in the office, he’d glanced at it and the hotel looked so posh and the price was so cheap…

‘Why Pay More?’ it had said. ‘Book Now.’

So he had. ‘Well,’ he thought, ‘now we’ll know won’t we?’ He was seeing Hannah that night anyway so he thought he’d spring it on her as a surprise. He might say he’d been given it free through work or something. So as not to look too pushy if she freaked out about the idea of sharing a room with him. But she wouldn’t, would she? Surely he hadn’t been reading the signals that wrong? She liked him, he knew she did – and he could always book another separate room. It would still be a nice weekend break. There was loads of stuff to do at the hotel, it looked great. There were even trips you could book, horse riding would be good he decided. He’d actually been on a horse once, at Scout camp, and it hadn’t thrown him or anything. He could probably impress her with that.

So they were on their second bottle of wine, everything was great, laughing, happy, perfect. Then he mentioned it.

‘Oh,’ her face had fallen, ‘I can’t that weekend I’m afraid. Ed’s taking me to Boomtown.’

‘Ed?’

‘You know, Ed Leonard from marketing?’ she smiled bashfully, ‘we’ve sort of being seeing each other.’

What? Wait… WHAT?

‘Seeing each other?’

‘Yeah, I didn’t want to mention it because I don’t want to jinx it. Can’t your boyfriend go with you?’

Boyfriend? BOYFRIEND?

There then followed the most embarrassing half hour of his life. Hannah had thought he was gay. She’d thought they were just seeing each other as friends. She thought he was actually in a relationship with his flatmate Dan – who was gay. Now Scott thought about it, there had been that time when Dan had joked about how Scott was the perfect boyfriend because, ‘He always does my washing, he’s always here to prop me up when I feel low and, best of all, never minds me seeing other guys!’ It had been a joke. Just a stupid joke. Oh God. All this time and… OH GOD.

He’d done his best to laugh it off. In fact, he was so embarrassed he almost did pretend he was in a rela. . .