It's Wrong For Me To Love You

by Krystal Armstead

Genres: African American Urban

Synopsis

Ne'Vaeh Washington attends Howard University, where her burning desire to be with Aaron Whitehaven, her best friend's boyfriend, prevents her from living her life to the fullest. Unbeknownst to her, Aaron feels the same way.

While Ne'Vaeh's best friend, Charlene Campbell, is out of town attending a funeral, Aaron confesses that he has been in love with Ne'Vaeh for nearly three years. He has kept it a secret until now because he believed that she was still in love with Jamie Green, her first love, who left her brokenhearted.

Charlene's relationship with Aaron has always been rocky. Her reputation for sleeping with just about anyone with a pulse preceded her, and now Aaron has stopped paying her any attention. A trip to Miami turns into a reunion with her old friend Jamie Green, a college football player about to go pro. The problem is that no matter what happens between him and Charlene, Jamie hasn't forgotten about Ne'Vaeh.

Release date: July 25, 2017

Publisher: Urban Books

Print pages: 400

Sample

I swear, we do some stupid shit when we’re young and in so-called love. It’s like the part of our brain that contains common sense completely shuts down, and the part of our brain that is completely delusional takes over. Whom can we blame? Our parents, who never took the time to make sure we didn’t make the same mistakes that they did? Our friends, who couldn’t wait for us to fuck up just so they could bask in our misery? The boy who made you love him when he knew that he wasn’t the type of guy you should give your heart to? Or yourself, who should have known better?

My name is Ne’Vaeh Washington. Juanita Washington gave me that name because she said that when she gave birth to me, her life was the complete opposite of heaven. January 1, 2015, was the worst fuckin’ day of my life. However, it goes back further than that....

I was a freshman attending Howard University in our nation’s capital. I was a straight-A student, the vice president of the Student Government Association, a member of the National Honor Society, and a soloist of the Gospel choir. I occasionally went out clubbing and drinking, and I may have smoked a blunt or two every now and then. For the most part, I kept my head in the books and didn’t let anything distract me from my goals. I was determined to do something with my life, and I was determined to find love again, wherever it was.

Though I feared love and shied away from it, I had this burning, physical sensation of desiring it. I guess you can call it hunger. I mean, there was this boy who set my soul on fire every time that he entered the room. I’m telling you, he had me to the point where just one glance at him sent sweat trickling down my back. Just the thought of him made my mouth water. He looked so delectable that I would have done just about anything to get just one taste of him, just to see how he felt in my mouth. That was the way Aaron Whitehaven made me feel. The only problem was . . . He was my best friend’s boyfriend, and I should have known better.

I only had one good friend. Her name was Charlene Campbell, Charlie for short, and she was the best friend I ever had. She was the total opposite of me. I was a short, petite girl with brown skin and dark, shoulder-length hair. I had a mouthful of breasts and barely a handful of ass, but Charlie? She was about five foot seven, with the perfect Coke-bottle figure, and legs and ass for days. She had long, dark brown hair and a toasted-almond complexion. Her skin always looked as if she’d just had a facial. She barely wore any makeup unless it was lip gloss, which drew attention to her plump, perfect, pouty lips. On her worst day, she looked better than most people looked on their best day. She looked, talked, walked, and even breathed like a model. Everyone wanted to look like her and live the life that she did, me included.

I’d known Charlie ever since the first grade, and she’d always been the most popular girl in school. I don’t think there was a male athlete that she hadn’t dated, fucked, sucked, kissed, or dismissed. She was my girl, but the way she played the field always bothered me. She never knew when to quit—that was, until Aaron made his debut. . . .

I’ll never forget . . . It was a Thursday, spring semester of our junior year in high school, 2012. I was sitting next to Charlie, fourth period, in African American History, a class taught by the whitest of white men, Mr. Jimmy Porter. We were in class, laughing at Mr. Porter’s jokes, which were actually funny for a change, when Aaron strolled through the classroom door.

Charlie grabbed my arm, her light eyes looking in the same direction that every girl in the classroom was looking. “OMG, look at that!” she whispered, digging her American-manicured tips into the skin of my forearm.

My eyes followed him as he strolled his way over to Mr. Porter to hand him a sheet of paper, probably a note from the principal, assigning him to our class. Aaron stood about five foot ten. He had a peanut butter complexion, and dark, wavy, close-cut hair. He was dressed in black and white, from his hat to his Nike shoes. He had the smoothest walk. The brutha had a swag that nobody could deny. I watched as Mr. Porter pointed in my direction, telling Aaron to sit in the chair behind me. My heart pounded in my chest as he looked at me. Our eyes met. I could feel my cheeks turning red. Aaron grinned as he walked toward me.

I braced myself as he sat down behind me. As he sat, it was as if every female in the class, single or not, turned in their chair to face him, Charlie included.

Charlie scooted to the edge of her seat and cleared her throat to get his attention.

Aaron looked at her.

“I’m Charlene, but everybody calls me Charlie.” She smiled, sticking her chest out even further.

That’s not all they call you, I thought to myself.

“What’s up, shorty? I’m Aaron.” His voice was music to my ears.

“And this is my BFF, Ne’Vaeh—heaven spelled backward.” Charlie threw her pencil at me to get my attention. “Ain’t that the coolest name you’ve ever heard?”

I felt a tap on my shoulder. My heart nearly shot out of my chest. I turned around in my chair to look into his eyes—those gorgeous eyes.

“Heaven, huh?” Aaron grinned.

“Your . . . Your eyes are green. . . .” I stuttered, not sure what else to say to someone who had to know how good he looked.

Charlie giggled. “So,” she looked at Aaron, “what are your plans for tonight?”

The girl couldn’t wait to get the first taste. She couldn’t wait to sink her fangs into his neck. Two weeks didn’t even go by and the two were already a couple. You wouldn’t see one without the other. I never told her how angry I was with her for stealing his heart before I even had the chance to have a full conversation with him. I never told her that I wanted that boy more than anything.

They dated for over two years. In high school, they were voted most popular, most attractive, best-looking couple, most athletic, and they were chosen as prince and princess at the junior prom and fuckin’ king and queen at the senior prom. Aaron made the basketball team in no time. Upon graduation, he received an academic and athletic scholarship to the University of Maryland, College Park. Charlie ended up at Morgan State University. I ended up at Howard University. As different as both Charlie’s and my lives were, we tried to remain close. When she wasn’t with Aaron, she was at my dorm in D.C. talking about Aaron.

As time went by, we spent more time on the phone and less time together. It seemed like the only time she came around sophomore year in college was so I could help her with her homework or study for exams. Her life was dancing, cheering, and Aaron. She was in love, and she wasn’t letting him go. They were the perfect couple, and I was alone. Aaron wanted Charlie, and I wanted him. Damn...

There I sat alone in my dorm on a Friday night, the weekend of homecoming, fall 2014. I was supposed to be at the homecoming game, and I was supposed to attend the dance, being that I was the vice president of the SGA. I just couldn’t bring myself to party that weekend, though. Charlie invited me to attend her homecoming at Morgan State a few weeks earlier, but plans had changed. Charlie’s uncle had passed away that week, so she flew home to Texas where her uncle was going to be buried. She was devastated, and I felt for her. I lost my brother six years earlier, and I swore on my life that I would never attend another funeral.

Charlie and I had been texting each other on our iPhones that whole day. It was 8:30 p.m., and I sat at my desk typing on my Dell laptop when my cell phone rang.

I looked over at it and then held it in my hands. I didn’t recognize the number, but I answered it anyway. “Hello? Ne’Vaeh speaking. . . .”

“What up, Heaven? What’cha been up to?”

My heart palpitated in my chest in sync with every syllable uttered through his lips. I couldn’t believe it was Aaron’s voice on the other end. He had never called me before. I could never go on double dates with him, Charlie, and whatever loser they’d try to hook me up with. I couldn’t even look at the boy longer than a few seconds, because my eyes had a tendency to want to undress him. I went speechless for a second or two.

“Heaven, are you there?”

“Yeah . . . Yeah, I’m here. . . .” I stuttered.

“Good, ’cuz I am too. Come downstairs. . . .” He hung up his phone.

My mouth dropped open as I took the phone from my ear. I just sat there, staring at it. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. I couldn’t believe he’d called. He never called. Up until that point, Aaron and I hadn’t even had a one-on-one-conversation.

I put the phone down. I was dressed in a black tank top and black boy shorts, so I threw on some sweats, grabbed a hoodie, snatched my keys, and headed out the door. I was so anxious. I couldn’t wait at the elevator, which seemed to be taking longer than normal. I shot down four flights of stairs and out the lobby of my college dorm.

There stood Aaron, leaned up against the side of the building. He was dressed in his gym clothes—a dark blue hoodie, baggy, dark blue sweatpants, and white Air Force Ones. He stood up from the building as he saw me walking toward him.

My heart fluttered in my chest as I approached him. I stood before him, arms wrapped around myself. My hair floated in the wind as it flew past us.

Aaron looked down at me as he licked his lips. “What up, Heaven? What’s good with ya?”

Ever since the day we met, I don’t think that boy ever called me by name, but I loved it. It was our thing.

I looked up at him. “You tell me. It’s homecoming weekend. Why aren’t you out with your friends?” I didn’t understand why he’d driven over forty-five minutes to go see someone he hadn’t so much as had a forty-five minute conversation with.

Aaron just looked at me.

I looked at him. “Why’d you come here?”

“You never go out with me and Charlie when we go out. I tried hooking you up with my boy, and you won’t give a nigga a chance. You’re cold, sweetheart.” Aaron shook his head at me.

I resented that. “I’m cold? No, what’s cold is you and Charlie trying to hook me up with a dude who was like twenty in the eleventh grade, eats with his mouth open, has six baby mamas, and who laughs at his own corny-ass jokes. His breath smelled like sweaty gym socks, and he wouldn’t even supersize my fries when we went to Burger King because he said some lame shit about how he likes his women ‘pretty in the face and slim in the waist’!” I rolled my eyes. “Where did you meet that idiot? Y’all were wrong for that shit.”

Aaron threw his head back in laughter. “I swear, I didn’t know any of that shit about him! I knew the dude had a few kids, but damn! Well, forget about Trey—what about Keon? He’s a good dude, no kids, no baby-mama drama, and I hear he’s been diggin’ you since y’all were in the eighth grade.”

I shook my head. “No way. Thank you, but no thank you. I appreciate your concern for my so-called love life, but don’t even bother hooking me up with anybody else, because you apparently have absolutely no taste in men.”

Aaron grinned. “I guess not. Hey, you can’t be mad at me for tryin’. I just don’t wanna see someone like you alone. . . .”

I looked up at him. “S . . . Someone like me? What do you mean?”

He avoided the question. “So, what’cha doin’ tonight? Aren’t you the vice president of SGA? You’re supposed to be at the homecoming. If you’re not gonna go to the homecoming, you should at least kick it with your boy, Aaron. Come kick it with me. . . .”

I was speechless. I didn’t know what to say to him. I would have given anything two-and-a-half years earlier for him to ask me to hang with him. Just to be in the same room with him. Breathing the same air as him was too deep. I was in love with that boy, but he wasn’t mine, and it broke my heart. The smarter half of me wanted to walk away, tell him I was working on a fifteen-page paper for my Humanities 101 class. However, the part of my heart that beat for him took over my body. He was Charlie’s boyfriend—my best friend’s boyfriend. That meant that he was off-limits. Untouchable. She was out of town, and he was alone.

“Why are you here asking me what I’m doing tonight? We never speak. You’ve never called me. You’ve known my number ever since junior year in high school. We never hang out. The only time you talk to me is when you’re trying to hook me up with one of your lame-ass friends. So, I guess you’re lonely tonight, and you needed someone to talk to since your girl’s gone. Is that it? The only reason you came is because she’s gone, right? Admit it.” I had to be honest.

Aaron licked his delectable lips. “To be honest, yes.”

He didn’t beat around the bush.

My mouth dropped open a little. I didn’t expect him to be that honest.

“What I’m trying to say is . . .” Aaron tried to correct the way his words came out. “There are some things that I need to talk with you about. I never get the chance to talk with you, because I’m not trying to make Charlie upset. We both know that her jealous streak is hell-a-crazy. I don’t wanna come between you and your best friend, but . . .” Aaron took my hand in his, and my heart melted. “We need to talk. So, come for a ride with me.”

I nearly lost my breath. I quickly slipped my hand from his. He had driven nearly an hour to see me—how could I look into those pretty green eyes and tell him no? “But . . . I’m not dressed. . . .” I whispered, looking down at my outfit.

Aaron smirked. “Neither am I. I just left the gym with my boys.” His eyes traced my lips. “C’mon. We can just go chill, get something to eat, or we can go kick it over at my crib since my roommate is gone for the weekend. We can do anything you wanna do. We can go anywhere that you wanna go. I just got paid today, so you can chose wherever you wanna go, and I got you. Just come with me . . . please. . . .” Aaron pleaded, taking my hands again, holding both my hands in his.

My whole body blushed. I could feel his heart beating through the palms of his hands the blood rushing through his veins. He was just was nervous as I was. Aaron had more power over me than he knew. From that day we met in Mr. Porter’s class, I wanted him. Now, there he was, asking me to go back to his apartment with him. Should I have gone out with him that night? No . . . but I did.

It was 10:30 p.m. when we arrived back at Aaron’s three-bedroom apartment in Parkville. We had stopped at Taco Bell for a late-night snack and brought the food back to his cozy apartment. We sat at the bar, facing each other. I tried to hold my composure as he watched me eat. He had his eyes on every piece of food that slid through my lips.

I looked up at him. “What?” I blushed, licking the sour cream from my fingers.

“Y . . . You have a little sour cream on your lips. . . .” He put his hands on my face, swiping the sour cream from my lips with his fingertips.

I watched him as he licked the sour cream that he took from my lips from his fingers. Charlie had herself one sexy man, but for whatever reason, he felt the need to come to me. What wasn’t she doing for him that had him coming to me that night?

Aaron kept watching my lips.

I looked at him. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”

“What, I can’t look at you?” Aaron’s eyes searched my face. “I haven’t seen you in months. . . .”

I tried not to smile. Over his shoulder, I caught a glimpse of a picture of Charlie on his refrigerator. I looked back at him. That picture snapped me out of my trance. I had no business there with him that night. “Why’d you drive so far to talk to me? Since when do me and you ever hang out, Aaron?” I asked.

Aaron cleared his throat. “I . . . ummm . . . I asked Charlie what she thought about marriage a few days ago.”

I instantly lost my appetite. I placed the nacho that I was about to pop into my mouth right back in the bag. I looked at him as I wiped my fingertips on a napkin. I just knew that whatever he was about to say was something I really didn’t want to hear.

“The thing is, as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I thought about you . . .” Aaron looked at me.

My heart jumped in my chest. “You . . . You thought about me? Why?” I was stunned. Definitely not what I expected to hear from him.

“I . . . ummm . . .” Aaron was nervous as hell. He was struggling to find the words to whatever it was he had to tell me. “I’ve been avoiding you, trying to hook you up with my boys, trying to spend as much time as I could with Charlie, trying my hardest not to look at you when you come around.... From the moment that I met you junior year, I wanted to ask you out. I wanted you bad as hell, but I didn’t think you wanted the same thing, so I never approached you.”

I nearly swallowed my own tongue. I hopped up from the bar stool, shaking my head, not believing my ears. “No, no, you can’t be telling me this now, Aaron!” I wanted to cry and punch that muthafucka at the same damn time. “You’re my best friend’s boyfriend, and you’re telling me right now—today—that you have feelings for me? Why the hell would you want me when you have someone as beautiful as Charlie? You have got to be joking! Is this some type of sick, cruel joke?”

Aaron got up from the stool, reaching for my hand. “Baby, calm down and just hear me out.”

I pulled from him. “No! You shouldn’t have told me this!”

“It doesn’t even matter how I feel about you—it ain’t like you feel the same way. It’s not like you ever talked to me. You haven’t so much as tried to carry on more than a three-word conversation with me. You don’t look at me, you don’t talk to me, you don’t laugh with me, and you don’t acknowledge me. I know I’m wrong for saying this, but I wouldn’t have ever gotten to know Charlie if you would have taken some interest in me. You had to feel me staring at you the day we met. The fact that I was dancing with you and not her at our senior prom didn’t ring a bell? I only got to know Charlie to get to know you, but you never let me,” Aaron explained.

I wasn’t going to let that boy make me cry. The words that came from his lips stung like a muthafucka. “So, what did my best friend say when you asked her to marry you?” I looked up into his face.

Aaron looked down at me. “I didn’t ask her to marry me. I just told you that I asked shorty what she thought about marriage. I asked her if she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me. I asked her if she was still in love with me, and do you know what the girl did? She laughed at me. She said she was too young to be thinking about spending the rest of her life with anyone. She said she loved me, but marriage was the furthest thing from her mind. I felt stupid as fuck for even bringing the shit up—I should have stuck with my first mind and kept the shit to myself. She doesn’t feel for me the way that she used to. At first, I thought she was just being cold because her uncle just passed away, but I know that wasn’t it, because she left me that night and went out to the club with her girls. Yeah, I feel for the girl, but a part of me can’t help but wonder what it would have felt like to be with you. That’s why I call you Heaven. I know that heaven is what it would have felt like to be with you.”

My heart fluttered in my chest. I wanted to be angry with him, but my heart wouldn’t let me.

“Don’t be mad with me, Heaven. I just have regrets. I’ve been with Charlie going on two years now, and I know I’m not who she wants to be with. I know that she isn’t the girl who I want to be with either. I don’t even know why we’re dragging this relationship out, because it’s not going anywhere. In high school, she was funny, she was flirty, she was sexy, she was popular, she was interested, and we looked good together. Knowing her helped me get on the basketball team as quickly as I did. Knowing her helped me get scholarships and grants to college. I think she used me just as much as I did her.” Aaron paused a moment, then said, “She doesn’t love me, Heaven, and I don’t love her.”

I shook my head. “Aaron, I don’t need to be hearing this,” I whispered.

“I’m sorry if I’m not supposed to be talking to you about any of this, but I couldn’t hold in the way that I felt anymore. When I asked Charlie about marriage, I knew in my heart that I wanted her to say exactly what she said. Charlie and I don’t belong together, but me and you? I know we could work something out.” Aaron spoke softly.

My eyes began to water, and I knew the tears were coming. “You could have anyone in the world, Aaron—why would you choose me? Why would you choose your girlfriend’s best friend?”

Aaron’s eyes traced my lips. “Because you complete me.”

I shook my head. “Complete you? You don’t know anything about me.”

Aaron grinned. “Your favorite color is blue. I know because every time you get dressed up, you wear royal blue all the way from your hoop earrings to your stilettos. Your favorite restaurant is IHOP. You always order scrambled eggs with extra cheese, turkey bacon extra crispy, two pancakes, and hash browns. You don’t hang out with your girls as much as you used to in high school. You’d rather kick it in the library, in the farthest corner, just you and your Dell laptop. Your favorite candy is Haribo Gummy Bears—you go through at least two packs in a day. You were raised by your aunt and Miss Campbell. Your mom is in prison. You haven’t seen your sister since you were thirteen. Your brother passed away. Your first boyfriend was a dude named Jamie—you dated him for about two years until he moved to Memphis, Tennessee, the summer before your sophomore year. You’re shy. You keep to yourself. You’re not easily persuaded. And you wish people would know the way that you feel without you having to open up your mouth to say a word. Now, wouldn’t you say I know a little something about you?”

I just looked at him. He didn’t hit the nail on the head exactly, but he was close enough. I don’t even think Charlie paid me that much attention. For someone who only saw me once in a blue moon, he sure did pay close attention to details. “How . . . How did you know. . .