I Didn't Think You Existed

by Hazel Ro

Genres: African American Urban

Synopsis

Four lives … three relationships … one real love. What relationship will remain and which one will crumble?
Tiffany Tate works hard for the life she has—one that others would kill for—the only thing missing is a ring and a husband, which she desperately wants. That's why, when her long-distance boyfriend, David, asks for her hand in marriage, she
thinks God has finally answered all her prayers. She doesn't hesitate to give up all she has in St. Louis to begin her new life in Texas with her fiancé.
Tiffany soon discovers that David is not the same person she's come to know over the past three years as his many secrets slowly surface. She is forced to face the hard reality that he can never give her the life she truly desires.
On the outside, Terrence Montgomery has the picture-perfect life with his wife Patricia. On the inside, he's struggling. Is their love enough to see them through?
Both David and Patricia are trying to keep their relationships intact by any means necessary. When their partners cross paths, everything changes, turning everyone's worlds upside down …

Release date: August 3, 2021

Publisher: Urban Books

Print pages: 288

Sample

My three-bedroom, ranch-style home was just the way I liked it—clean, cozy, and peaceful. After a long and hectic day, I’d rushed home to my place of safety and serenity. Now after washing and putting away the dishes from dinner, it was finally time to relax. The only thing that awaited me was a nice, hot bubble bath to soak all my cares away. I’d already begun to run my bathwater filled with scented salts and oils. Then, afterward, I planned on curling up in my queen-sized mahogany bed to finish the latest novel by my favorite author, Carl Weber. First things first, I needed to pour myself a glass of chardonnay to assist in my unwinding.

As the water ran, I turned on my Pandora to the Lalah Hathaway station. I thought about how I couldn’t believe I was about to give all of this up. David Allen, the man I’d had a long-distance relationship with for the past three years, finally asked me to marry him, and I’d gladly accepted. The weird thing was that I always thought I would have a completely different feeling about it. For some reason, I had thought that whenever that special someone God had created specifically for me entered my life, I would know without a doubt that he was the one. However, with David, I still had a ton of reservations.

We’d met three years ago in one of my favorite restaurants. My best friend and I needed a girls’ day out, which included pigging out on some good ol’ Southern cuisine at St. Louis’s own Sweetie Pies. It didn’t matter how many times I went there, I never grew tired of their food, especially since no one came close to making collard greens and cornbread like my mother except them. It had grown to be my home away from home, and I couldn’t wait to get there.

When we arrived, the restaurant was filled with nothing but women, except for one lonely man sitting off by himself at a table in the corner. That in itself made me curious, but my growling stomach told me to just sit down and enjoy my meal. My best friend had other plans for me though, seeing that I had been single well over a year before that day.

“Tiffany, girl, he’s kind of cute. You should go over there and introduce yourself to him,” she suggested while waving me in his direction.

“Keisha, why are you always trying to play matchmaker? First of all, he’s not my type. And secondly, I’m sure he has to be with one of these women in here.”

“Look, if he were with someone, then why is he sitting all alone? And there’s nothing wrong with a simple introduction. Besides, you won’t know if he’s your type unless you get to know him.”

Physically, I wasn’t attracted to David. He was a lot shorter than I liked. Based on my eye test, he appeared to be between five foot eight and five ten, and even that was a stretch. His complexion was a caramel brown, and I was more into dark chocolate. He was also a little on the pudgy side, which was all right, but not my taste. I didn’t want to come across as shallow, but I also felt that a person had to be at least a little attracted to whoever they were pursuing. None of that stopped Keisha, however. She was determined to hook me up by any means necessary. After I’d begged and pleaded with her to leave it alone, we still found ourselves enjoying the rest of our lunch in Mr. David Allen’s presence.

We learned that he drove a tour bus on a weekend women’s retreat, which explained why he was the only man in a roomful of women. He said they were from Dallas, Texas, and would be in St. Louis for the weekend. His conversation was cool, and he really didn’t seem that bad of a guy, but still, he wasn’t the guy for me. Not to mention, I’d never dated someone long distance or even someone his age, for that matter. David was twelve years my senior, although he didn’t look a day over 35.

We finished up our small talk and lunch, but I was still starved from trying to eat daintily instead of totally pigging out. That was when David caught me by surprise.

“So, Tiffany, do you think I can call you or even see you again sometime?”

Before I answered, I looked over at Keisha, who gave me the evil eye and kicked me underneath the table. After a couple of moments of contemplation, I figured that a simple phone call would be all right. Especially after realizing how much I missed conversing with the opposite sex.

“Well, I guess a phone call wouldn’t hurt—”

“Great! I plan on taking the ladies to the Galleria Mall and then to the riverfront, but I can give you a buzz sometime after that.”

“Sounds good,” I said with a partial smile on my face. I gave Keisha the same evil eye she’d given me before.

David called around eight that evening. There was no denying my nervousness, because I hadn’t conversed with a man in that way in a long time. So that I wouldn’t come across too forceful or anxious, I allowed him to take the lead, and let things flow naturally from there. To my surprise, it turned out to be one of the best conversations I’d had with a man in a long time. David had the greatest sense of humor, and I laughed the entire time. We actually stayed on the phone until three the next morning like a couple of high school teenagers. Neither of us wanted to let the other go, to the point that we both fell asleep on the phone.

Needless to say, he turned out to be a really good guy who I didn’t mind hanging out with whenever he came into town. Little did I know he would come that very next weekend just to see me, then the weekend after that and the weekend after that. We started to enjoy each other’s company so much that he visited me twice a month, and I, in return, visited him in Texas twice a month. That was all of three years ago, and now, only one month ago today, he’d asked for my hand in marriage.

I was overjoyed, to say the least, at the mere thought of being married, although it would require me relocating to Texas. He’d already made it very clear that St. Louis wasn’t somewhere he could ever consider home, so I would make the sacrifice and move there instead. Even though I still had my inhibitions, I decided to go along with the whole idea. In my mind, I felt I wasn’t getting any younger with 40 approaching only two years away. Not to mention the fact that my family had grown to adore David. Besides that, I was also ready for a change and new scenery with the recent loss of my mother. Everything here reminded me of her and kept me in a state of depression. So I needed to do something drastic, and moving to Texas was definitely drastic.

With all of that in mind, I assumed any jitters I felt were because I was leaving my comfort zone. I tried to talk myself into believing that anything I felt unsettled about would reveal itself once I was there with him. In the meantime, I laid my head back in my Jacuzzi-style bathtub and began to talk to God.

“God, I’m so scared and confused. I truly need to hear from you. Please talk to me and tell me if David is the one for me before I make what might be the biggest mistake of my life. I mean, I love him but . . . Wait, there really shouldn’t be a but, huh? Anyway, God, please talk to me, even if it may not be what I want to hear. Please tell me what I need to hear.”

That was the very last thing I could recall before I was awakened by a loud, thunderous sound. My eyes shot open wide, and my body trembled, frightened and shaking from the now ice-cold water. Thinking that someone had to be inside of my home, I jumped out of the tub, wrapped my bathrobe around me, and grabbed my bat from my hallway closet. Slowly, I began to search the house.

No one was there, and I giggled at myself when I realized it must have been a bad storm outside. Even after all these years of living alone, the slightest noise still scared the hell out of me. I went and looked out my window to see how bad it was outside, but oddly enough, I saw nothing but the dry ground. Walking toward my master bedroom, I felt completely puzzled. Things were strangely just as quiet and peaceful as before, other than the sound of the water that dripped from my bathroom faucet.

Right away, tears began to stream down my face as I remembered the last thing I heard with the exuberant sound. The voice that now replayed over and over again in the back of my mind said, David is not for you.

I pulled my black Cadillac Escalade up to my four-bedroom, three-bathroom home and sat there, sinking my head back into my plush leather seat. It had been such a long day. Actually, all my days were long. They normally started around three in the morning, when I had to get up to be at my first job with the Texas Department of Transportation. After that, I would race to my second job by three in the afternoon at North Dallas High School, where I coached and mentored the varsity football team. By the time I finished up with practice, games, and all of my paperwork, it would be around eleven at night. I wouldn’t make it home until well after midnight. Then if all went well, I could try to hit the sack no later than one in the morning, only to be up by three to do it all over again. That was if all went well.

However, it had become a normal routine of arguing with my wife, Patricia, once my feet hit our living room floor. Night after night, I would come in and immediately be hit with, “Who is she? Why is she making those comments on your pictures? Why can’t you just delete her?”

Needless to say, Facebook and other forms of social media had started to take over her mind as well as ruin our marriage. If it wasn’t that, then she stressed me about our kids. Biologically they were hers, but I’d stepped up to the plate the minute we began dating since their father was such a deadbeat. The boys needed a man in their lives, and whether they liked it or not, I was it.

The oldest was Kendall. He was 20 years old. He’d dropped out his first year of college and couldn’t seem to find a job. Patricia made excuse after excuse for him, but I knew good and well it was only because he couldn’t seem to pass a drug test. Then there was Keith. He was 16 and seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, although he came out of the closet a few months ago. Now his only goal in life was to be a model, in a men’s magazine, no less. So as one would expect, there was always some type of drama that I had to come home to.

Patricia and I had only been married for the past two and a half years, although we’d known each other for at least eight. Things actually started off great between us. We always laughed and talked, went on dates, and not to mention, had some of the wildest sex you could imagine. But as crazy as it sounds, all of that seemed to change the very minute we said, “I do.” After the wedding, we started to go out less and less. Our conversations became voicemails or text messages. And the sex . . . well, let’s just say there was always some type of excuse, whether it was a headache, the boys might hear us, or her very favorite, that time of the month. Either way, I wasn’t getting any, so that combined with our daily arguments had started to become more than a notion.

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t happy. She hadn’t worked in the past year since her last job relocated. Besides that, she didn’t have to worry much about money since I brought in decent income to support us with my two jobs. I purchased this house just for her and the kids and made sure there were two luxury cars available for our leisure. Although we weren’t rich by a long shot, we lived a good, modest life, and she had nothing to want for.

Even with all of that, Pat still wasn’t happy. Her only focus was on who I might be flirting with on social media. She bypassed all my suggestions like getting a part-time job, writing a book, or better yet, furthering her education. Instead, every night, I came home to her in flannel pajamas, a scarf or bonnet on her head, and her laptop on her lap as she surfed Facebook.

That was the very reason I now sat in my truck contemplating going to a hotel for the night. There was no way I could stand another night of arguing over something I wasn’t doing. All I wanted was a hot bath and a peaceful three hours of sleep, but even that seemed too much to ask for. A few more minutes passed before I decided to go inside and face whatever fate I was dealt for the night. That was until my phone started buzzing across the center console of my truck. I looked down and let out a huge, aggravated sigh. “Damn, here we go again.”

Terrence, where are you? Why aren’t you home yet? We need to talk about this chick Sasha who’s been commenting all over your pictures on your Facebook page! Who is she, and where do you know her from? I want you to delete her!

I barely finished reading the text before I realized that I’d started my ignition. It didn’t even matter where I went as long as I was far away from Patricia and her nightly antics. I turned off my cell phone and drove toward the nearest Best Western.

“Tonight, I’m going to get some rest even if it kills me. God, please help me.”

Terrence hadn’t answered my calls or texts, and it was driving me crazy. He should have been home by now, and I started to feel like I was losing my mind thinking that he might be with her.

“Who in the hell is Sasha anyway? And I swear you’d better not be with her right now, Terrence Montgomery, or you’ll have hell to pay!”

Pacing back and forth, I dialed his number again only to hear that his voicemail was now full. Not being able to leave a message pissed me off even more. If I knew where to start, I had the right mind to go out there and look for him, in pajamas, bonnet, and all. Instead though, I shot him yet another text, making sure he knew I meant business whenever he finally decided to come home.

You need to get home, Terrence! I’m not playing. You’re going to tell me who the hell Sasha is, or you won’t hear the end of it from me! I promise that!

Throwing my phone down on the bed, I thought back to the day we first met. I could tell he was younger than me, but he was extremely sexy, so I bypassed the age difference. His skin was dark and creamy, his body was built like a professional athlete, and he had so much swag that it made me crave to know more about him. I’d learned that he was somewhat down on his luck at the time, after losing everything from his previous marriage, but I didn’t care. I could help pick up the pieces while training him to be the perfect man for me. We’d both worked extremely hard to get us to the point we were now. It took some doing, but we did it together, and here we were. Of course, we weren’t completely where we desired to be, but we were comfortable, and that was all I could have asked for—until now.

I had no idea where things started to go wrong between us though. Our relationship used to be so good. We enjoyed one another and had fun building a life together. Then out of nowhere, it all seemed to change. Terrence tried to say it was I who’d changed. However, I didn’t see it that way. In my eyes, he wanted to keep up the exact same behavior after we’d married as before, and I no longer felt like I had to. The facts were that I was ten years older than him, and my days of having sex anywhere or satisfying him orally all the time were over.

Also, being a Southern man, he was accustomed to those Southern women before me who believed in catering to their man’s every need. Well, I was far from that. In case he hadn’t noticed, I had two boys I needed to devote my time and attention to. I was the one who had the responsibility of forming them into good, well-rounded black men. I was all they had, and they were with me before him and would be here long after him if it ever came to that point. So if that meant I’d changed, then so be it.

I, on the other hand, felt that the distance between us was because of the lack of attention and affection he gave. He always worked. Then if he wasn’t working, he was tired. Then if he wasn’t tired, he was with those damn children at the school. There was always something else that took priority over me. He didn’t take me out anymore. He didn’t send me flowers or anything. And when it came to intimacy, any thought of foreplay was nonexistent. The whole act was all about him getting his and then rolling over to go to sleep. I felt like I didn’t even know my husband anymore. In fact, we barely saw one another or even talked.

Basically, if I wanted to find out how things were with him, I had to go to one of his many social media accounts and stalk those. That, however, would lead to an argument because of his many so-called female friends. It seemed like every day several new ones were added. They made comments on everything, liked his pictures and statuses, and even posted pictures to his page with hardly any clothing on. These women obviously didn’t give a damn that he was married, and I wouldn’t stand for it. It was all so disrespectful, yet in his eyes, I was the one overreacting. He said it was only social media and I was reading way too much into things. His concern was more with me getting a job or going back to school, which I would only do when I was good and ready, not a minute before. The whole point of getting married was so that the man would be the head, so I took full advantage of that philosophy. Not to mention, I needed help with these boys, which I had to admit, Terrence was great with. His only flaw was that he was still somewhat a youngster himself and needed a little guidance in being the perfect man and husband for me.

“Dammit!” What in the world had I done? And how on earth was I going to tell Tiffany that I didn’t want to get married or have her move to Texas—all within the next few days? True enough, I’d grown to love her, but marriage for me was plainly out of the question. I absolutely loved the freedom I had as a single man, or better yet, an unmarried one. The more I continued to think about it, I wasn’t ready to give that up—not for Tiffany or anyone, for that matter.

As I thought of it, I didn’t understand why she had to go and push this whole marriage issue anyway. In my mind we had something great going with the long-distance thing, so I failed to understand why she wanted to go and mess things up. It was as if, all of a sudden, she started to harp on marriage over and over again, so much so that I practically felt my hand was being forced in the matter. Day in and day out, all I heard was, “David, I’m not going to be your girlfriend forever,” or, “If you love me the way you say you do, you’ll make an honest woman out of me.” She even went biblical by reciting that verse from Proverbs that says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” Yeah, I wasn’t a deeply spiritual guy at all, but I knew that verse backward and forward now as much as I started hearing it from her.

Despite my true feelings, I didn’t want to lose her or what we shared. So without thinking, I did the only thing I felt there was left for me to do. Just over a month ago, I had the bright idea to go ahead and ask for her hand in marriage—in front of her entire family at that. Damn. Now that I thought about it again, that had to be the dumbest thing I’d ever done in life. My thought was that I could merely give her the proposal and a ring, and that would be that. I was sure that was all she wanted anyway, to be able to show off to her friends and family. Then, afterward, I planned on us having a very long, extensive engagement until I figured out my next move. That was what I came up with because I was willing to do almost anything to keep Tiffany. She was really a wonderful woman with a lot going for herself.

But now that the ball was rolling, I realized how stupid it was, because I didn’t want to get married or need her all the way here in Texas with me. There was still so much that she didn’t know and probably would never understand. Sometimes men had to do the unthinkable for their daily survival, and there was no way Tiffany would agree with that. With that in mind, I had to find a way to stop her, and I had to do it sooner rather than later.

Tiffany was an extremely determined woman though, so it would be extremely hard to sway her. She was not the type to accept the word no without some type of explanation. In her world, what she wanted she got, and that was that. I only needed to come up with a clever way of making her think she was getting what she wanted, without actually having to give it to her.

Despite the answer I’d received from God, the day had come for me to start my new life in Dallas, Texas. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe God or fully trust in Him, but I guessed my own personal desires far outweighed my better judgment. Not only that, but St. Louis had become so mundane to me that I desperately longed for a change of atmosphere.

David, surprisingly, didn’t seem as enthusiastic about today as I’d thought he would. He’d been acting so strange and distant for the entire past week that it made me quite nervous. Keisha continued to suggest that I shouldn’t read too much into his strange behavior though. She said that he probably had the same insecurities as I did, seeing that this would be new to both of us. Still, something in my gut said things just didn’t feel all the way right.

Giving a look around my beautiful home one last time, I picked up my cell phone and called my fiancé, hoping that his disposition had changed.

“Hello?” he answered, still with the same dryness in his voice that had been there all week.

“Hey, baby! I’m about to hit the road in a second. I can’t wait to see you and start our new journey together!” I said pleasantly while trying to hide my fear and anxiety.

“Uh, actually, I won’t be there, baby. Um, a trip came up last minute, and you already know that I really can’t afford to turn it down.”

“Are you serious, David? I know money is a little tight right now, but you couldn’t turn down one trip this once? I mean, this is a really big step for you and me, yet you’re deciding to go on a trip?”

“I know, I know, but this is my only means of income. I can’t just turn down trips like that. So, look, how about you wait, and come here when I get back instead?”

I paused and wondered if God was trying to get His point across yet again. Even if that were the case, I felt it was way too late for me to back out now. Everything was already in place for the move.

“David, I can’t do that. I’m scheduled to start my new job on Monday morning. What am I supposed to do, call them up and say, ‘Hey, I can’t make it’?”

“Why are you so damn stubborn, and why does everything always have to be your way? Would it really kill you to wait until next weekend?” he asked with his voice in a raised tone. “I’m sure your job can find a replacement for one week!”

I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it with the side-eye since he wasn’t standing in front of me. I didn’t know what was going on with him, but he was starting to push me to call off the move, the marriage, and any dealings with him altogether. The only thing standing in the way was the fact that I’d already quit my job and scheduled Keisha to take over my lease to my home. Everything was in place, so whether he was there or not, I was making this move.

Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and tried to soften up before I spoke. “David, honey, please tell me what’s wrong. This is a huge step for both of us, but you act like you’re upset with me and resent me coming there. I thought you wanted this as much as I do. You did ask me to marry you, remember?”

“Look, I do want this, baby. I just have a lot on my mind,” he said in a much calmer tone.

“Well, I hate to put more on your mind, but at this point, I really need to know. Do you still want to marry me, David? Do you still want me there with you?”

The phone fell silent for a moment or two while my heart almost thumped through my chest. I feared what he was thinking or what was about to come from his mouth. A few more moments passed before he finally answered.

“Tiff, yes, I still want to marry you. It’s like you said. This is a huge step for the both of us.”

Letting out an enormous sigh of relief, I tried to adjust my approach. “David, trust me, I’m sure we both share the same fears, but it’s not going to help if we start taking things out on each other. Now it may not have been my desire for you to have a trip on the day that I’m coming there, but I guess I understand. We both have to try to make the best of the situation.”

“You’re absolutely right, babe. Hey, how about I leave the key under the mat for you and you let me know when you’ve made it, okay? I’ll also text you the code to the security system.”

“All right, sounds good to me.”

“Good. I’ll see you when I return.”

“Okay and, David, I love you.”

There was that deadened silence that brushed over the phone again. Then, moments later, he struggled to say, “I love you,” back and told me to drive safely. That was the extent of it, which made me more afraid of what I was in store for. I only hoped that everything would somehow turn around and magically work out for the best when I arrived. Right now, I wasn’t very hopeful.

I couldn’t recall the last time Terrence had upset me to this magnitude, but I was steaming hot. It had been an entire week and he still hadn’t explained where he’d been or who he was with the night he didn’t come home. All he did was stroll up in here the next night, take a shower, and go straight to sleep without uttering a single word. To repay his behavior, I decided to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms until he chose to come clean. There was no way I was about to lie next to a liar and a possible cheat, so sleeping in separate rooms was beginning to become the norm in the Montgomery household.

Today was his day off, and I could smell the aroma of the breakfast he was preparing downstairs in the kitchen. I actually would have loved to sit down and have a nice, pleasant meal with my dear husband, but of course, that was out of the question. Instead, I darted downstairs, still in my pajamas, to see if he was ready to talk to me face-to-face.

“Good morning.” I crossed my arms and stared at him as he placed everything neatly onto his plate. It all looked and smelled amazing, and since he was a great cook, I was sure it tasted the same. When I thought about it, I was glad to have a hu. . .